Solo parents, give me your best tips
August 17, 2020 7:01 PM Subscribe
As you can tell from my recent history, my father in law is very ill so my husband flew back home, and I've been solo parenting a 15 month old for 3 weeks, while working full time. I'm surviving, but can't help feeling that I'm one little glitch away from collapse. There are some of you who do this permanently or often. How do you stay sane? How do you keep yourself and your child(ren) safe?
My husband needs to be away at least another month from now, and probably longer (so I'm not even halfway done yet).
It's impractical for me to consider going to my parents or joining my husband for several logistical reasons.
I'm lucky to have a nanny during the 9-5 working day, but I have no other help. I live in a place where Covid is raging away, and my friends are all being cautious about physically meeting, as am I.
I'm looking for emotional advice (how to beat the loneliness, how to stay strong with little sleep and no personal time, how to balance work and childcare), but also practical things like how to ensure that the baby and I are both safe.
At the back of my mind, I worry that one of us will fall or have some sort of accident, or the baby will have a bad allergic reaction, or get an infection, and I'll have to handle a difficult, crucial situation all alone. I don't know if I trust myself to do things right with a kid. I'm very bad at life skills -- I can barely drive a car.
My nightmare scenario is that I'll fall down my stairs far away from my phone (unlikely, I know).
Or that we'll get Covid from the nanny, and then who will take care of the baby, let alone me?
It just feels like a precarious situation where I can manage (with enough willpower) when everything is fine, but any deviation would knock us completely off balance.
But if you're a single parent, you've been going through this for some time (much respect), and perhaps have advice for me?
My husband needs to be away at least another month from now, and probably longer (so I'm not even halfway done yet).
It's impractical for me to consider going to my parents or joining my husband for several logistical reasons.
I'm lucky to have a nanny during the 9-5 working day, but I have no other help. I live in a place where Covid is raging away, and my friends are all being cautious about physically meeting, as am I.
I'm looking for emotional advice (how to beat the loneliness, how to stay strong with little sleep and no personal time, how to balance work and childcare), but also practical things like how to ensure that the baby and I are both safe.
At the back of my mind, I worry that one of us will fall or have some sort of accident, or the baby will have a bad allergic reaction, or get an infection, and I'll have to handle a difficult, crucial situation all alone. I don't know if I trust myself to do things right with a kid. I'm very bad at life skills -- I can barely drive a car.
My nightmare scenario is that I'll fall down my stairs far away from my phone (unlikely, I know).
Or that we'll get Covid from the nanny, and then who will take care of the baby, let alone me?
It just feels like a precarious situation where I can manage (with enough willpower) when everything is fine, but any deviation would knock us completely off balance.
But if you're a single parent, you've been going through this for some time (much respect), and perhaps have advice for me?
Single parent here. My best advice is to prioritize sleep as much as possible, because with a decent foundation of sleep, everything is that much more bearable and without it, everything quickly spirals into the abyss. For me, that means I put my kiddo to bed, do maybe an hour of cleaning and then I go to bed, too. It may feel silly going to bed that early and you may feel like you have so much to do, you need to stay up later. Trust me on this one. Just go to sleep.
The second thing is that I keep things super simple. We eat simple food, we have a simple routine, life is just pared down to the essentials. I think we have a good life and my kid is happy and healthy, so simple isn't bad! It's about working with the resources you have.
I hope this helps! Hang in there. And seriously, sleep. It's the magic answer.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 8:56 PM on August 17, 2020 [28 favorites]
The second thing is that I keep things super simple. We eat simple food, we have a simple routine, life is just pared down to the essentials. I think we have a good life and my kid is happy and healthy, so simple isn't bad! It's about working with the resources you have.
I hope this helps! Hang in there. And seriously, sleep. It's the magic answer.
posted by bighappyhairydog at 8:56 PM on August 17, 2020 [28 favorites]
Addressing just your "nightmare scenario" .. for peace of mind you could get another cheapo device or several, so wherever you are there's a phone nearby. That's what I do with specs (my big necessity) .. I have a load of specs from the dollar store, one everywhere I might need and two in places where I often lose them.
bighappyhairydog has it right: give yourself as much sleep as you can get .. and in general look after yourself: in a sense that's the highest priority because then you can look after your little one better
Good luck, it sounds daunting but you'll truly be fine. Hugs
posted by anadem at 9:07 PM on August 17, 2020
bighappyhairydog has it right: give yourself as much sleep as you can get .. and in general look after yourself: in a sense that's the highest priority because then you can look after your little one better
Good luck, it sounds daunting but you'll truly be fine. Hugs
posted by anadem at 9:07 PM on August 17, 2020
Ooh yeah definitely if you need glasses have extras cause that 9-15 month window is when babies throw glasses to see what happens. Sometimes what happens is they break your damn glasses. I ordered some from Zenni when my current kid hit 6mo for peace of mind.
posted by potrzebie at 9:27 PM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by potrzebie at 9:27 PM on August 17, 2020 [1 favorite]
I totally feel you- it can be really hard to be a single parent and have very little down time, especially when you are very isolated at the same time. I totally agree that keeping things simple is helpful. We ate a lot of raw veg/fruit and things like eggs & toast, spaghetti, etc. I also put on a lot of music for us while doing life and parenting tasks; I think it made me feel less lonely and was a mood booster. Getting outside during nice weather was always really great, my little one loved running around looking at ducks, picking dandelions, and other non-structured things. I find being outdoors really relaxes and recharges me. Kid movie/TV nights can help you feel like you have a bit of personal space, if your kiddo is able to watch for any length of time. I always found I could half-watch and it gave me a bit of room to breathe, think my own thoughts, and take a break from higher level interaction.
I know with Covid everything is hard. One thing you may want to consider is letting one of your friends into your bubble, depending on personal/friend circumstances and where you live.
Try to shake off anxiety about potential accidents or crisis situations, however you normally deal with anxiety. Exercise, breathing, meditation, whatever your thing is. Kids are super resilient and even if something happened yours would likely be fine. My own actually did fall down our very tall staircase when she was your kiddo's age, with no lasting damage. And I bet you would do a great job dealing with a crisis situation; I've observed that people, and especially parents, tend to flip into problem solving mode and do whatever needs to be done. One thing you could do here is to secure some backup. Ask a trusted friend or family member if they'd be able to come support you if something happens while your partner is away. It might make you feel less anxious if you know there is a person you could call on to help, at any time of day/night, if a problem arises that requires it.
Seconding potrzebie, you got this!
posted by DTMFA at 9:31 PM on August 17, 2020
I know with Covid everything is hard. One thing you may want to consider is letting one of your friends into your bubble, depending on personal/friend circumstances and where you live.
Try to shake off anxiety about potential accidents or crisis situations, however you normally deal with anxiety. Exercise, breathing, meditation, whatever your thing is. Kids are super resilient and even if something happened yours would likely be fine. My own actually did fall down our very tall staircase when she was your kiddo's age, with no lasting damage. And I bet you would do a great job dealing with a crisis situation; I've observed that people, and especially parents, tend to flip into problem solving mode and do whatever needs to be done. One thing you could do here is to secure some backup. Ask a trusted friend or family member if they'd be able to come support you if something happens while your partner is away. It might make you feel less anxious if you know there is a person you could call on to help, at any time of day/night, if a problem arises that requires it.
Seconding potrzebie, you got this!
posted by DTMFA at 9:31 PM on August 17, 2020
I was alone with my two kids for long periods of time when they were babies- my ex-husband would come home from working in Europe for 4 days every 2.5 weeks. It was hard, but things that helped were- having a schedule that I never deviated from (even when he came home) kids would have dinner, a bath, books and then bed. I often let my younger child sleep with me so I could get a better nights sleep.
I would see if your nanny could take on some of the household stuff that might make things easier (with compensation of course) Babies laundry? Empty the dishwasher?
I recently have been doing Sun Basket, which is one of those dinner services- and they have the option to have basically fully prepared food delivered- they have do it all yourself, all prepped, and quick meals (which are the ones that come all ready. The other thing that I would do, which wasn't an option when my kids were little, is to get as much delivered as you can- groceries, diapers, wipe, snacks.
In terms of your anxiety about things happening- I had that when my ex traveled. I was so worried about someone breaking in. We ended up getting an alarm system. I never think like that anymore- I think it was a manifestation of the stress I was under. That isn't to dismiss your feelings- just want to share that it is a normal part of parenting young children solo for some.
Finally, just be kind to yourself. It is a lot to work full time and take care of a baby.
posted by momochan at 9:37 PM on August 17, 2020
I would see if your nanny could take on some of the household stuff that might make things easier (with compensation of course) Babies laundry? Empty the dishwasher?
I recently have been doing Sun Basket, which is one of those dinner services- and they have the option to have basically fully prepared food delivered- they have do it all yourself, all prepped, and quick meals (which are the ones that come all ready. The other thing that I would do, which wasn't an option when my kids were little, is to get as much delivered as you can- groceries, diapers, wipe, snacks.
In terms of your anxiety about things happening- I had that when my ex traveled. I was so worried about someone breaking in. We ended up getting an alarm system. I never think like that anymore- I think it was a manifestation of the stress I was under. That isn't to dismiss your feelings- just want to share that it is a normal part of parenting young children solo for some.
Finally, just be kind to yourself. It is a lot to work full time and take care of a baby.
posted by momochan at 9:37 PM on August 17, 2020
I am not a single parent. I am the father of 3 children who were at one point, 1,2,and 3. For reasons, I had all three alone most weekends and for several weeks at a time. One of them is now in the military and away from his wife for months at a time.
The first thing that comes to mind is something our pediatrician, Marc Weisbluth said to us when our first child was a few months old. We were worried about the right way to swaddle, the right way to bathe, and so many other worries about basic things like dropping the baby. He said, "Remember that this is [name] 's first time too. They don't know if you are doing it right or wrong. They just want your love, to be safe and to eat." He also said, "When you drop [name], not if but when, pick them up, comfort them and remember that babies are resilient.".
Dr. Weisbluth really made us relax as parents and made us feel like we had little to worry about. We could be much less than perfect and still be good parents.
One of the other things we were told or discovered is that babies, toddlers, and pretty much all children like routine. It was also comforting to us to follow a routine. Feeding at certain intervals, naps at regular time, bath at a regular time then books and to bed. It made it so that even on days when we were too exhausted to think we were able to do things on autopilot and when we completed a part of the routine a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
Mentally, for me, the key was that we had a routine and that no matter what we did, it was hard to totally screw up. Our babies did not know if we were doing it right or wrong.
Small things too helped my sanity. Taking them for walks around the neighborhood kept us from feeling constrained and claustrophobic.
In terms of what to do in a crisis, I had to take one to the emergency room while watching the other two too. It is amazing what you are capable of when you have to. Also, 911 is your safety net. We told our baby sitters that if there was an emergency, don't call us first, call 911 and then, when you can, call us.
The other advice we got was when the baby naps, you can nap. Lack of sleep is the enemy of mental health.
I am firmly of the belief that children grow up in spite of the best efforts of their parents not because of it. That is a broad generalization, but I hope you get my point.
You and your child can and will thrive.
posted by AugustWest at 10:57 PM on August 17, 2020 [14 favorites]
The first thing that comes to mind is something our pediatrician, Marc Weisbluth said to us when our first child was a few months old. We were worried about the right way to swaddle, the right way to bathe, and so many other worries about basic things like dropping the baby. He said, "Remember that this is [name] 's first time too. They don't know if you are doing it right or wrong. They just want your love, to be safe and to eat." He also said, "When you drop [name], not if but when, pick them up, comfort them and remember that babies are resilient.".
Dr. Weisbluth really made us relax as parents and made us feel like we had little to worry about. We could be much less than perfect and still be good parents.
One of the other things we were told or discovered is that babies, toddlers, and pretty much all children like routine. It was also comforting to us to follow a routine. Feeding at certain intervals, naps at regular time, bath at a regular time then books and to bed. It made it so that even on days when we were too exhausted to think we were able to do things on autopilot and when we completed a part of the routine a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.
Mentally, for me, the key was that we had a routine and that no matter what we did, it was hard to totally screw up. Our babies did not know if we were doing it right or wrong.
Small things too helped my sanity. Taking them for walks around the neighborhood kept us from feeling constrained and claustrophobic.
In terms of what to do in a crisis, I had to take one to the emergency room while watching the other two too. It is amazing what you are capable of when you have to. Also, 911 is your safety net. We told our baby sitters that if there was an emergency, don't call us first, call 911 and then, when you can, call us.
The other advice we got was when the baby naps, you can nap. Lack of sleep is the enemy of mental health.
I am firmly of the belief that children grow up in spite of the best efforts of their parents not because of it. That is a broad generalization, but I hope you get my point.
You and your child can and will thrive.
posted by AugustWest at 10:57 PM on August 17, 2020 [14 favorites]
Your friends are keeping their distance, yes, but in a true emergency you would call them or 911.
If it would make you feel more comfortable, schedule a daily set time for checking in with a friend. That way, if you don’t respond, someone notices.
Keep things simple for now, and call in help. Could a friend drop off a meal? Can you get delivery dinner? Could you hire a house cleaner to come in every week or two so you don’t need to worry about that? Take a walk with the baby if you can. Prioritize sleep.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:42 AM on August 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
If it would make you feel more comfortable, schedule a daily set time for checking in with a friend. That way, if you don’t respond, someone notices.
Keep things simple for now, and call in help. Could a friend drop off a meal? Can you get delivery dinner? Could you hire a house cleaner to come in every week or two so you don’t need to worry about that? Take a walk with the baby if you can. Prioritize sleep.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:42 AM on August 18, 2020 [3 favorites]
I loved like that recently when my boys were 2.5 and 3.5 years old, I went to bed super early with them. They were sleep trained for a 7pm bed time. I didn’t cook and just made them simple things like scrambled eggs or beans on toast. Then I ignored most cleaning but I did vacuum the whole downstairs every evening.
posted by pairofshades at 2:53 AM on August 18, 2020
posted by pairofshades at 2:53 AM on August 18, 2020
I was you. This will sound nuts but set your alarm for 2-3 hours before you need to be up and use that time to meditate, drink coffee, watch the sun rise, or whatever fills your cup. You will start the day rested-and-ready, so getting things done will be less effort-ful, so you actually get more done, and then you hit the pillow tired enough to sleep.
No work/laundry/cooking (unless it's a zen thing for you) and definitely no screens.
Signed, single mom of two who worked full time plus freelancing and is now an empty nester who still gets up at 4:30 for the best part of the day
posted by headnsouth at 6:10 AM on August 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
No work/laundry/cooking (unless it's a zen thing for you) and definitely no screens.
Signed, single mom of two who worked full time plus freelancing and is now an empty nester who still gets up at 4:30 for the best part of the day
posted by headnsouth at 6:10 AM on August 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
seconding bluedaisy - even with being fairly strict about exposure, my friends and I have been delivering meals to one another to help out. I'd even be happy to do laundry for a friend who was feeling overwhelmed. People like to help!
posted by brilliantine at 6:53 AM on August 18, 2020
posted by brilliantine at 6:53 AM on August 18, 2020
I don't have kids and I don't babysit, but I have made it clear to friends that I will watch their children in an emergency. In May, a friend who is a single mom to two 1st graders called me because one of them had an accident and they were on the way to the ER. I picked up the non-hurt child and she stayed with me for two days while the other had surgery. I had been a quarantine purist and this was the first time I'd been around another human in months.
I tell you this to say that while I hear that you feel your situation is very precarious, in an emergency people can step up. It might be calming to think about neighbors/friends/family who can be called upon to help. Perhaps have a conversation with them now and let them know you are feeling anxious?
posted by mcduff at 8:19 AM on August 18, 2020 [8 favorites]
I tell you this to say that while I hear that you feel your situation is very precarious, in an emergency people can step up. It might be calming to think about neighbors/friends/family who can be called upon to help. Perhaps have a conversation with them now and let them know you are feeling anxious?
posted by mcduff at 8:19 AM on August 18, 2020 [8 favorites]
Would it make you feel better to get one of those "help I've fallen and I can't get up" alarm buttons to wear around your neck? I bet you $1,000 that you would never use it, but it might give you peace of mind just to know that you have it, and that would be worth the cost of the service for a few months.
posted by mccxxiii at 2:47 PM on August 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by mccxxiii at 2:47 PM on August 18, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm a single parent. My advice to you is twofold. One, as someone said above -- keep it simple. I'll go further and say, don't sweat the small stuff -- and it's all small stuff. Simple meals. Relaxing fun. No one likes to hear this, but: screen time. Let the dishes go sometimes. The kid doesn't need a bath every day. Maybe you don't either. Maybe that thing you've been putting off can stay put off for a while longer. After all, your partner will be back eventually.
As a corollary, whenever possible, throw money at the problem. Can you get a cleaning person? Can you pay people to help you with chores whenever possible?
Two, try not to worry so much. (Easier said than done, obviously.) If you get covid, your friends will come to help, if friends they are. If it makes you feel any better, try making an emergency list of phone numbers and putting it on the 'fridge. I've been a single parent for almost ten years and haven't yet had any emergency that I couldn't either surprise myself by handling, or get help enough to handle -- and I don't have a ton of friends or anything.
I can manage (with enough willpower) when everything is fine, but any deviation would knock us completely off balance
Well, yes. That is my life, and it has been for years. The secret to not going bananas is allowing things to be knocked off balance sometimes. And they will. And then you make a plan, and figure out how to balance things again. Sometimes it takes a while. That's okay, too.
Loneliness isn't something you can beat. It's just there. And then, it goes away. Like grief, loneliness is a wave. Wait long enough and it'll become solitude again. You can make yourself a list of things to do mid-wave: call a friend or family member, take a bath, watch a comedy special, or just pay attention to the loneliness as it moves through you.
posted by woodvine at 2:49 PM on August 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
As a corollary, whenever possible, throw money at the problem. Can you get a cleaning person? Can you pay people to help you with chores whenever possible?
Two, try not to worry so much. (Easier said than done, obviously.) If you get covid, your friends will come to help, if friends they are. If it makes you feel any better, try making an emergency list of phone numbers and putting it on the 'fridge. I've been a single parent for almost ten years and haven't yet had any emergency that I couldn't either surprise myself by handling, or get help enough to handle -- and I don't have a ton of friends or anything.
I can manage (with enough willpower) when everything is fine, but any deviation would knock us completely off balance
Well, yes. That is my life, and it has been for years. The secret to not going bananas is allowing things to be knocked off balance sometimes. And they will. And then you make a plan, and figure out how to balance things again. Sometimes it takes a while. That's okay, too.
Loneliness isn't something you can beat. It's just there. And then, it goes away. Like grief, loneliness is a wave. Wait long enough and it'll become solitude again. You can make yourself a list of things to do mid-wave: call a friend or family member, take a bath, watch a comedy special, or just pay attention to the loneliness as it moves through you.
posted by woodvine at 2:49 PM on August 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
When my son was three months old, my husband went into the hospital and never came home. He’s almost four and while we do have family nearby, it’s just the two of us. Some things which have helped me:
- One of the first things I did and that first little while was a huge decluttering. Having last to tidy and clean and manage makes a difference. Even now, I run a pretty tight ship in that regard.
- I accepted that some of my disposable income would go toward outsourcing. I pay for grocery delivery. We eat more takeout food then some people do. Whatever helps you get through the day. This past summer, when I was working from home and his daycare was not operational, I finally started paying a cleaning person. I had such limited time to myself, when I did have it I didn’t want to spend it scrubbing the shower!
- We have a life which is very guided by routines, more so than some people do. One of those routines was out we always call my mother before he goes to bed to say good night. This is partly because he loves my mother, but it’s also because I had similar fears as you about what if something happened. If nobody hears from me by bedtime, and it’s been the whole day, people would start looking for me.
- In other areas, I did relax my standards. For example, before we had that cleaning lady, I didn’t really clean the bathroom all that much. I really found what it was hard for me to not have any time to look after myself and if that was all happening after bedtime, so be it and the shower didn’t get scrubbed. One small tip I have for you. Make yourself a technology curfew and don’t go online past a certain hour. It’s easy to stay very busy with little tasks when the computer is on. Make yourself go to bed and then take a book with you. Even if you have chores or other things to do.
- I don’t know what kind of career you have, but the first year my son was in daycare I was working as a substitute teacher. I didn’t get paid if I didn’t work, which was the downside. But the upside was that if I didn’t feel like working, I could just not book a job and it was OK and there was no penalty and I could do that when i wanted to. And sometimes, I did. If I felt like the laundry was piling up and I really needed groceries, I would just not look work that day. I would drop him at day care, take the morning and get my stuff done, and then have a little bit of time to myself. It’s not so bad to take a sick day now and then for your mental health.
Memail me if you have any specific questions or want to discuss any of this some more. Good luck!
posted by ficbot at 6:57 PM on August 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
- One of the first things I did and that first little while was a huge decluttering. Having last to tidy and clean and manage makes a difference. Even now, I run a pretty tight ship in that regard.
- I accepted that some of my disposable income would go toward outsourcing. I pay for grocery delivery. We eat more takeout food then some people do. Whatever helps you get through the day. This past summer, when I was working from home and his daycare was not operational, I finally started paying a cleaning person. I had such limited time to myself, when I did have it I didn’t want to spend it scrubbing the shower!
- We have a life which is very guided by routines, more so than some people do. One of those routines was out we always call my mother before he goes to bed to say good night. This is partly because he loves my mother, but it’s also because I had similar fears as you about what if something happened. If nobody hears from me by bedtime, and it’s been the whole day, people would start looking for me.
- In other areas, I did relax my standards. For example, before we had that cleaning lady, I didn’t really clean the bathroom all that much. I really found what it was hard for me to not have any time to look after myself and if that was all happening after bedtime, so be it and the shower didn’t get scrubbed. One small tip I have for you. Make yourself a technology curfew and don’t go online past a certain hour. It’s easy to stay very busy with little tasks when the computer is on. Make yourself go to bed and then take a book with you. Even if you have chores or other things to do.
- I don’t know what kind of career you have, but the first year my son was in daycare I was working as a substitute teacher. I didn’t get paid if I didn’t work, which was the downside. But the upside was that if I didn’t feel like working, I could just not book a job and it was OK and there was no penalty and I could do that when i wanted to. And sometimes, I did. If I felt like the laundry was piling up and I really needed groceries, I would just not look work that day. I would drop him at day care, take the morning and get my stuff done, and then have a little bit of time to myself. It’s not so bad to take a sick day now and then for your mental health.
Memail me if you have any specific questions or want to discuss any of this some more. Good luck!
posted by ficbot at 6:57 PM on August 18, 2020 [1 favorite]
« Older Sugar Substitute for Coffee while maintaining... | Community Radio Nerds, whither your archives? Plus... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
In general, I listened to "Tightrope" by Janelle Monae a lot in those years. The refrain of needing to keep my balance no matter what - and yes, that feeling that everything was okay today but anything could happen tomorrow and yet I'd still have to figure out how to stay on that tightrope, keep my job, keep my kids alive - hit me so viscerally. Whenever I'd find myself freaking out I'd just tell myself "still tippin' on it." I also wasn't super great at a lot of life skills...but in the years he traveled a lot, I got way better at them. I am a good driver now. I can fend for myself so much better. I have a first aid kit and all the kinds of medicines I might need precipitously for my kids and I know where they are. If you have never taken a first aid and CPR class, they're online now, get certified. Make sure you have emergency food and water, and plans for disasters. If you don't know your neighbors yet, pick one who seems nice and reach out however you can.
The great thing is that you know this will eventually be over, and the nice thing is that all the stuff I'm recommending is stuff you should be doing anyway as a parent. You are going to grow so much from this experience. Being self sufficient with a kid is a crucible.
Memail me anytime. You got this!
posted by potrzebie at 8:24 PM on August 17, 2020 [5 favorites]