Thinking about suicide

March 20, 2006 5:13 PM

I keep thinking about suicide.

I think about suicide in some form or another when going about daily life. Jumping in front of a car, from a bridge or variations on those -- never hanging myself, or overdosing on drugs though. The thing is, I immediately discount at and know I would never do such a thing... The thoughts that occur at the same time are along the lines of "Will people actually miss me?". Is this a question everybody asks themselves with such regularity? If so, is it common to link these thoughts with being missed after a suicide? I score fairly low on the Beck Depression Inventory... So is anything actually wrong with me?

Thanks in advance.

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (23 comments total)

Don't know if there's anything "wrong" with you, but I can tell you I'm in the same boat. I think about it often, but in a detached kind of way, and the answer's always "no, doesn't seem like a good idea." I'm not thinking about whether I'd be missed, though, just sort of appraising the idea.

If it starts interfering with other things, or feels like it's ruling your life, that's when I reckon it's begun to be a problem.
posted by Wolfdog at 5:29 PM on March 20, 2006

"Jumping in front of a car, from a bridge or variations on those -- never hanging myself, or overdosing on drugs though. "

Some people, for example, fear heights because they're afraid that in their nervousness they'll throw themselves off. Perhaps you have a similar issue, along with an over-active imagination about people missing or not missing you?

Or maybe you really are thinking of suicide, but like Fred Nietzsche, who noted that "[i]t is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night."
posted by orthogonality at 5:30 PM on March 20, 2006

I think about it a fair bit, also not as something I want but just as something that occurs to me. When I was younger, it used to be having to try to say words backwards, or to think of all the possible meanings of a word, or to take any number I saw and do something with it (room 248 was 2x4=8, things like that).... Recently I've been turning more and more towards things like "what are the people around me thinking? What evidence do I have of that? What other meanings could that expression have?" All while trying not to stare, natch.

I think my brain's maybe just a little too eager to have something to work over; I don't know how typical my experience is.

As for whether people will miss me, when I call friends and family I can usually hear it in their voice that they're happy to hear from me, so I'd assume yes. But I think it would be a natural enough question following thoughts of mortality, since people tend to miss friends and family who've died.

Is it possible you're thinking of mortality in general for some reason? Is it an intellectual curiosity? Something else?

I am not a psychiatrist, ymmv, etc.
posted by Tuwa at 5:34 PM on March 20, 2006

It's hard to say. The "Will anyone miss me" thoughts are a little worrying though -- it sounds like you're lonely, if nothing else.
posted by tkolar at 5:46 PM on March 20, 2006

Edgar Allan Poe referred to that destructive little inner voice as "the imp of the perverse".

We stand upon the brink of a precipice. We peer into the abyss – we grow sick and dizzy. Our first impulse is to shrink from the danger. Unaccountably we remain. By slow degrees our sickness, and dizziness, and horror, become merged in a cloud of unnameable feeling. By gradations, still more imperceptible, this cloud assumes shape, as did the vapor from the bottle out of which arose the genius in the Arabian Nights. But out of this our cloud upon the precipice's edge, there grows into palpability, a shape, far more terrible than any genius, or any demon of a tale, and yet it is but a thought, although a fearful one, and one which chills the very marrow of our bones with the fierceness of the delight of its horror. It is merely the idea of what would be our sensations during the sweeping precipitancy of a fall from such a height. And this fall – this rushing annihilation – for the very reason that it involves that one most ghastly and loathsome of all the most ghastly and loathsome images of death and suffering which have ever presented themselves to our imagination – for this very cause do we now the most vividly desire it. And because our reason violently deters us from the brink, therefore, do we the more impetuously approach it. There is no passion in nature so demoniacally impatient, as that of him, who shuddering upon the edge of a precipice, thus meditates a plunge.

posted by Steven C. Den Beste at 5:46 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

Obligatory: "There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy." --Camus

It's a question worth considering. So, in general, no--particularly if you're low on the depression score. (Not that it's not worth considering even then, just that one's conclusions are likely to be quite skewed.)
posted by mookieproof at 5:48 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

I'm with Tkolar in that the "Will anyone miss me?" is probably more of an issue than the thoughts of suicide (if, at least, you are immediately discounting these suicidal thoughts.) I think a lot of people might tamely think about suicide in the abstract when they are waiting to cross a busy road or on the roof of a tall building.

If suicide is preoccupying your thoughts (and this question might indicate that it is) then you should probably seek help. If you now and again think about suicide when confronted with a dangerous situation, and wonder how people might think of you in death, I would say it is natural. You will know how often you get these thoughts and how serious they feel.
posted by fire&wings at 5:57 PM on March 20, 2006

I post this in comments routinely. Art Kleiner's How Not to Commit Suicide may be the best thing I've ever read.

You deserve to feel better. You don't have to feel bad. I've considered suicide many times, and recognize it as a sign that I'm badly depressed. I've been badly depressed over and over again. I am incredibly thankful for the Prozac class of anti-depressants, which help me live my life. Not only do you deserve to feel better, but you can and will feel better, if you get good help.

Good luck.
posted by theora55 at 5:57 PM on March 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

There was a fascinating MetaFilter thread on How Not to Commit Suicide last week.
posted by kirkaracha at 6:10 PM on March 20, 2006

That's called "suicidal ideation" and it MAY actually be a bona fide symptom of a mood disorder.

Why not get it checked out? Maybe it's nothing, but if it is something, it could get worse. And of course if the thoughts become intrusive, or if you are afraid you might act on them, then definitely seek medical help as soon as possible.

Of course, it may be nothing, but better safe than not.
posted by konolia at 6:30 PM on March 20, 2006

Ever since thinking about topping yourself got labelled "suicidal ideation", it's become a deeply unfashionable pastime.

If all you're doing is thinking about the consequences of your no longer being here (as opposed to making serious plans to do yourself in), and you're not depressed, you have no problem.

I occasionally ponder the same topic, and my BDI score was 2 last time I checked, FWIW.

As ikkyu2 has pointed out elsewhere, the BDI is a way to explore the shape of an existing depressive illness - not a tool for diagnosing whether depression exists. Scoring high on one or two BDI questions isn't grounds for worry.
posted by flabdablet at 6:32 PM on March 20, 2006

I find that I often have an inner voice that I've dubbed my Inner Dread Pirate Roberts ("You've done a good job today, Plinth, but I'll likely kill you tomorrow."). I can easily shake it off on most days, but when it happens (and especially with high frequency), it is an indication that something needs attention. In my personal case, I find it's an indication of repressed or unacknowledged/unexpressed emotions. Cognitive therapy is very effective in treating it and my IDPR goes away.
posted by plinth at 6:51 PM on March 20, 2006

I don't think there's anything unusual about thinking about suicide in this way. I certainly do it. I think anyone who truly gets the innate futility of existence has to go there from time to time. I'm almost tempted to say it might actually be healthy.

Don't do it though, mate. You'll hurt someone who doesn't deserve to be hurt.
posted by Decani at 6:59 PM on March 20, 2006

In thinking about this for a while, I realized what was bugging me about the original post: self-diagnosis of depression is notoriously slippery.

The BDI is not meant as a sit down, self answer test. Although some self-test versions have been produced, they are extremely unreliable.

Having remembered that, I would say: repeated suicidal thoughts trumps having taken an unreliable test on-line that indicates you might not be depressed.

My revised advice is to get thee to a therapist and at least have a professional evaluation done.
posted by tkolar at 7:10 PM on March 20, 2006

See also this AskMe.
posted by CunningLinguist at 7:13 PM on March 20, 2006

I would get it checked out. I would schedule an appointment with a therapist or a psychiatrist and get evaluated for depression. Unless you absolutely can answer that you aren't depressed: That you get happiness out of daily life, that you have no disturbances of sleep and/or appetite, that you have no sense of sadness, guilt or anxiety that is intrusive and coloring your experience of life. The Beck is heavily weighted toward recent change in a lot of these things, if your symptoms have been more chronic the Beck may not pick it up. My guess is that if you're thinking about suicide as often as you are then some of those things are probably also present.

This is not to suggest that thinking about suicide makes you suicidal. Many, many people think about suicide and would never progress beyond the thought, but persistent thoughts of suicide, which is what your brief description presents, can be an indicator that there is something else going on that can easily be treated, leading to a better life.
posted by OmieWise at 7:30 PM on March 20, 2006

These can also be OCD-related thoughts.
posted by availablelight at 7:44 PM on March 20, 2006

How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying To Kill Me by Susan Rose Blauner is an excellent book that deals with this. Blauner's gone through something similar, so there's no pedantic language or holier-than-thou attitude that marks so many other suicide prevention books.

Also, instead of focusing on suicide prevention itself, she addresses suicidal ideation addiction. In other words, she addresses people who constantly think about suicide regardless of their psychological fitness.

I would recommend at least flipping through this book at your local bookstore. You may have to order it. It's not well known.

And, no, I am not Susan Rose Blauner, though I do hope to meet her someday.
posted by hercatalyst at 8:47 PM on March 20, 2006

When I was learning to drive in high school, I occasionally found myself going 65 mph on the highway and wondering what would happen if I shifted into reverse. I never did, but having the shifter on the steering wheel column made it so...tempting. Could this be something similar?
posted by A dead Quaker at 9:23 PM on March 20, 2006

These can also be OCD-related thoughts.

Yes, yes, yes. What availablelight said. My initial reaction to your post was to wonder if perhaps you are confusing OCD with depression. Suicidal ideation (or self-harm or harm of others) are common obsessions for some with OCD.

I just googled for OCD tests and came up with these:

OCD Tests

You might also want to take a look at The Obsessive Compulsive Foundation.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 9:52 PM on March 20, 2006

Having remembered that, I would say: repeated suicidal thoughts trumps having taken an unreliable test on-line that indicates you might not be depressed.

Amen. Having attempted it once myself, I can say that those thoughts started out innocuously enough but then a certain comfort level with those thoughts, started to settle in. Pretty soon it was beyond a plan and just a matter of where and when. Where I crossed that line, I don't know and that was the scary part.

The BDI is good indicator but should be administered in conjunction with a battery of tests (not sure if the MMPI is used anymore but that one was usually a good indicator) by people qualified to interpret the results. An evaluation with a professional would not hurt you in any way and seems like a good idea if only to clear things up.

I hope all goes well with you.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:53 PM on March 20, 2006

KevinSkomsvold Rocks! Seriously.
I would distinguish between a normal pattern for you, (you've always had these thoughts and are now wondering if this is normal -maybe OCD?) and something that has been growing in frequency (get thee to a therapist!)
5 years ago I suffered from a reactive depression which I tried to hide. I started having these thoughts you describe. If I was walking along the side of the road and a bus was coming towards me I could visualise me tripping on a stone and falling under the bus. In tecnicolour! These were not the ways I was thinking of commiting suicide, I had begun to make plans involving medications, etc., They were just a series of quite gruesome catastrophic thoughts that I could not seem to stop. What worried me was when I started having the same thoughts about my children. If my son climbed a frame in the park, I would "see" him fall and split his head open. I became incredibly protective and wanted to never leave the house. I believe they would have gained in frequency and gruesomness if I hadn't received help from my family doctor. I was lucky I got help.
Please don't ignore the possibility that this is a symptom of depression because at the moment you are still able to reach out and ask for advice/help.
Depression has a way of sneaking up on you and ruining that ability, so please, please seek help now.
posted by Wilder at 3:17 AM on March 21, 2006

Look, there's no diagnosing anyone from the brief description presented in the question. Because what you're thinking about is suicide, versus say twinkies, you should get yourself assessed by a competent professional in person.
posted by OmieWise at 5:15 AM on March 21, 2006