How can I help my disabled and neglected father remotely?
August 7, 2020 1:17 PM Subscribe
My father, a disabled veteran, was removed from his housing the week by social services. He's been living with my brother who has been neglecting him. I live in a different state and cannot go down there to help him (for non-Covid reasons). How can I get him assistance remotely? (More inside, c/w neglect and bugs)
My father is a double amputee and moved by himself to South Carolina about 8 years ago. I live in Boston. For the last several years he's been living with my half-brother, who has been acting as a caretaker, especially since my dad's second amputation a few years ago. Due to lots of complicated and trauma-related issues I have only had intermittent contact with my dad over this time period, and after a hospital scare a few months ago I've been making more of an effort to be aware of what's going on down there. Apparently this scare also brought him to the attention of social services, who removed him from his house.
According to the social worker, the house was disgusting, my father was covered in bed bugs and there were roaches everywhere. It's become clear through conversations with my dad that the situation with my brother has become untenable. He refuses to clean the apartment which led to this, he's spending all my dad's VA money, leaving him alone in the house for hours at a time, has women coming in and out staying with him, etc. He has, as of now, not physically abused my father but has neglected him and is letting him live in filth.
Due to previously mentioned complicated traumatic reasons, I cannot go down to South Carolina to assist my dad in the many things that need to get done. And there are MANY thing we need to handle. So my primary question is how I can get him an advocate who can help him with all of this. Right now there is no money for a lawyer, but in a few months there might be. I'm looking for info about any resources people know about that he could leverage through the VA or social services, or if there are any charities that might be able to provide resources or legal assistance for abused/neglected/disabled veterans?
In order to get my father back into his house, it's going to take many steps. He purchased the home within the last few months with a VA grant, and so abandoning it at this point doesn't really seem ideal. We need to evict my brother first. Then get the place cleaned + exterminated. Then get approval from the VA for a live-in caretaker. In the meantime, social services is still searching for placement for my father. They think they can maybe get him an apartment with a live in caretaker, which would be ideal, but if not they will have to put him in assisted living. Given the Covid situation I would prefer to avoid that but obviously we may not have a choice. Then there are the animals. If my brother gets evicted, my dad has 3 dogs and a bunch of chickens who will need to be cared for on a daily basis. And he recently purchased a vehicle that we fear my brother may have put under his name instead of my father's. So lots of issues to untangle and deal with one by one here.
If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Primarily I am interested in finding a local advocate for him, but I welcome anyone to offer expertise on any of the other issues as well. Sorry if this question comes across as a bit rambly but it's obviously a complicated situation. Let me know if I can answer any questions. Thanks.
My father is a double amputee and moved by himself to South Carolina about 8 years ago. I live in Boston. For the last several years he's been living with my half-brother, who has been acting as a caretaker, especially since my dad's second amputation a few years ago. Due to lots of complicated and trauma-related issues I have only had intermittent contact with my dad over this time period, and after a hospital scare a few months ago I've been making more of an effort to be aware of what's going on down there. Apparently this scare also brought him to the attention of social services, who removed him from his house.
According to the social worker, the house was disgusting, my father was covered in bed bugs and there were roaches everywhere. It's become clear through conversations with my dad that the situation with my brother has become untenable. He refuses to clean the apartment which led to this, he's spending all my dad's VA money, leaving him alone in the house for hours at a time, has women coming in and out staying with him, etc. He has, as of now, not physically abused my father but has neglected him and is letting him live in filth.
Due to previously mentioned complicated traumatic reasons, I cannot go down to South Carolina to assist my dad in the many things that need to get done. And there are MANY thing we need to handle. So my primary question is how I can get him an advocate who can help him with all of this. Right now there is no money for a lawyer, but in a few months there might be. I'm looking for info about any resources people know about that he could leverage through the VA or social services, or if there are any charities that might be able to provide resources or legal assistance for abused/neglected/disabled veterans?
In order to get my father back into his house, it's going to take many steps. He purchased the home within the last few months with a VA grant, and so abandoning it at this point doesn't really seem ideal. We need to evict my brother first. Then get the place cleaned + exterminated. Then get approval from the VA for a live-in caretaker. In the meantime, social services is still searching for placement for my father. They think they can maybe get him an apartment with a live in caretaker, which would be ideal, but if not they will have to put him in assisted living. Given the Covid situation I would prefer to avoid that but obviously we may not have a choice. Then there are the animals. If my brother gets evicted, my dad has 3 dogs and a bunch of chickens who will need to be cared for on a daily basis. And he recently purchased a vehicle that we fear my brother may have put under his name instead of my father's. So lots of issues to untangle and deal with one by one here.
If anyone has any advice, please let me know. Primarily I am interested in finding a local advocate for him, but I welcome anyone to offer expertise on any of the other issues as well. Sorry if this question comes across as a bit rambly but it's obviously a complicated situation. Let me know if I can answer any questions. Thanks.
Given what's happened, I think you need to determine who should have power of attorney, particularly for financial stuff. I don't know if that's a level of involvement you want to have, but it is critical that your half-brother no longer has access to VA checks, or can try to open credit cards, or put a second mortgage on the house, etc.
I think starting with the South Carolina Department of Aging would be good. Another, not obvious, place to consider checking in on is Jewish Family Services; they often provide a range of supports and do not limit their services to people based on faith. The one in my community provides refugee resettlement services, domestic violence services, etc.
posted by brookeb at 1:37 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
I think starting with the South Carolina Department of Aging would be good. Another, not obvious, place to consider checking in on is Jewish Family Services; they often provide a range of supports and do not limit their services to people based on faith. The one in my community provides refugee resettlement services, domestic violence services, etc.
posted by brookeb at 1:37 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
I would encourage you to first ask you dad what he needs. He knows best, and he should be treated with complete respect. He should be given as much power to determine his path forward as possible. Even if you think something he wants to do is ill-advised, it's much better to let him do the ill-advised thing and then help him deal with the consequences than to forbid him his own personal power to determine his own fate. As a trauma survivor, you know personally that the experience of powerlessness is one of the most lasting, debilitating consequences of trauma. Anyone who helps a traumatized person has to begin by restoring their sense of power and autonomy to the maximum possible extent.
Second, figure out the limits of your ability to be involved in rescuing your father. Define those limits. Write them down. Own them. How much money can you spend? How much time can you commit to making phone calls and filling out paperwork on your dad's behalf? How many and which social contacts are you willing to call on (and potentially burn) in the fight against your brother? Are there any circumstances under which you would be willing to travel over there, and if so, how long? You need to have a very good idea of your own boundaries before you start throwing yourself at this problem. This is in order to protect yourself, yes, but more importantly, it is to protect your dad from collecting another caregiver who may fail him at a critical juncture after making explicit or implicit promises. You have to be cruel to be kind: make your boundaries well known to your dad. "Dad, I am going to do my best to help you through this. You said you want to ABCD first and HIJK after that. I can spend two hours this week making phone calls to help you make ABCD happen, and as for HIJK, you might need to look for someone else to help you. Shall I get started?" ---> That's a way to gently and kindly make only the promises you can keep without rejecting or abandoning him.
Third, focus most of your efforts - however much it might be - towards building him a support community. Social workers, case workers, healthcare workers, mental health workers, neighbors, friends, relatives, churches, etc. That will have the highest impact on his eventual wellbeing, and it will be the biggest bang for your effort-buck. Rather than purchase a meal delivery subscription for him, connect him with a local food assistance group and arrange for his transportation to them (or theirs to him). Rather than hire a lawyer to evict your brother, research local domestic violence shelters and connect your father with their lawyers. This is the "teach your dad to fish" strategy, and it ties into the first concern re: empowerment and restoring autonomy. Your dad will be much better off when he has local sources of support to rely on in the long term whom he can engage with on his own terms, rather than have you perform a remote rescue operation for him.
Advocates for him can be potentially found via:
- the social worker
- domestic violence shelters
- his faith group
- your other relatives? (trustworthy ones)
posted by MiraK at 1:53 PM on August 7, 2020 [10 favorites]
Second, figure out the limits of your ability to be involved in rescuing your father. Define those limits. Write them down. Own them. How much money can you spend? How much time can you commit to making phone calls and filling out paperwork on your dad's behalf? How many and which social contacts are you willing to call on (and potentially burn) in the fight against your brother? Are there any circumstances under which you would be willing to travel over there, and if so, how long? You need to have a very good idea of your own boundaries before you start throwing yourself at this problem. This is in order to protect yourself, yes, but more importantly, it is to protect your dad from collecting another caregiver who may fail him at a critical juncture after making explicit or implicit promises. You have to be cruel to be kind: make your boundaries well known to your dad. "Dad, I am going to do my best to help you through this. You said you want to ABCD first and HIJK after that. I can spend two hours this week making phone calls to help you make ABCD happen, and as for HIJK, you might need to look for someone else to help you. Shall I get started?" ---> That's a way to gently and kindly make only the promises you can keep without rejecting or abandoning him.
Third, focus most of your efforts - however much it might be - towards building him a support community. Social workers, case workers, healthcare workers, mental health workers, neighbors, friends, relatives, churches, etc. That will have the highest impact on his eventual wellbeing, and it will be the biggest bang for your effort-buck. Rather than purchase a meal delivery subscription for him, connect him with a local food assistance group and arrange for his transportation to them (or theirs to him). Rather than hire a lawyer to evict your brother, research local domestic violence shelters and connect your father with their lawyers. This is the "teach your dad to fish" strategy, and it ties into the first concern re: empowerment and restoring autonomy. Your dad will be much better off when he has local sources of support to rely on in the long term whom he can engage with on his own terms, rather than have you perform a remote rescue operation for him.
Advocates for him can be potentially found via:
- the social worker
- domestic violence shelters
- his faith group
- your other relatives? (trustworthy ones)
posted by MiraK at 1:53 PM on August 7, 2020 [10 favorites]
Response by poster: Sorry if this is a dumb question, but have you pushed the social worker about what resources are available?
Not dumb at all, I have not been able to have an in depth discussion with the social worker, right now she's focused mostly on finding my father placement. We talked earlier today and will have a more in depth discussion next week where I intend to figure out what resources we have available through DSS, but I'm hoping people here might have dealt with similar situations and might have some insight.
posted by JimBennett at 1:53 PM on August 7, 2020
Not dumb at all, I have not been able to have an in depth discussion with the social worker, right now she's focused mostly on finding my father placement. We talked earlier today and will have a more in depth discussion next week where I intend to figure out what resources we have available through DSS, but I'm hoping people here might have dealt with similar situations and might have some insight.
posted by JimBennett at 1:53 PM on August 7, 2020
I'm looking for info about any resources people know about that he could leverage through the VA or social services, or if there are any charities that might be able to provide resources or legal assistance for abused/neglected/disabled veterans?
Statesidelegal.org offers legal help for military members, veterans, and their families, and information, including for health and safety issues. Online resources include a Veterans Legal Help Navigator, which "helps veterans' caseworkers and advocates across the country find the right fit legal help for veterans."
In addition, the American Bar Association offers a Directory of Legal Programs for Military Families, including "military legal assistance offices, legal aid and pro bono organizations, lawyer referral and information services, and military-specific programs where available."
There is also the e-VETS Resource Advisor (DOL), which offers assistance to Veterans, Service Members, and those who support them "to navigate information and resources, including Benefits and Compensation, Education and Training, Employment, Family and Caregiver Support, Health, Homeless Assistance, Housing, Transportation and Travel, Other Services and Resources, and State-Specific Information and Resources. This online service integrates with the National Resource Directory (NRD), a web-based directory of more than 11,000 national, state and local services and resources for Veterans, Service Members, and their families and caregivers."
The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans also offers a list of resources on its website, and notes, "If you experience difficulties getting results or locating services in your local area, call the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans at 1-800-VET-HELP."
via the MeFi Wiki Get a lawyer, ThereIsHelp, and Homeless Survival Guide pages
posted by katra at 2:34 PM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]
Statesidelegal.org offers legal help for military members, veterans, and their families, and information, including for health and safety issues. Online resources include a Veterans Legal Help Navigator, which "helps veterans' caseworkers and advocates across the country find the right fit legal help for veterans."
In addition, the American Bar Association offers a Directory of Legal Programs for Military Families, including "military legal assistance offices, legal aid and pro bono organizations, lawyer referral and information services, and military-specific programs where available."
There is also the e-VETS Resource Advisor (DOL), which offers assistance to Veterans, Service Members, and those who support them "to navigate information and resources, including Benefits and Compensation, Education and Training, Employment, Family and Caregiver Support, Health, Homeless Assistance, Housing, Transportation and Travel, Other Services and Resources, and State-Specific Information and Resources. This online service integrates with the National Resource Directory (NRD), a web-based directory of more than 11,000 national, state and local services and resources for Veterans, Service Members, and their families and caregivers."
The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans also offers a list of resources on its website, and notes, "If you experience difficulties getting results or locating services in your local area, call the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans at 1-800-VET-HELP."
via the MeFi Wiki Get a lawyer, ThereIsHelp, and Homeless Survival Guide pages
posted by katra at 2:34 PM on August 7, 2020 [4 favorites]
There are resources for disabled veterans, including subsidized housing or nursing home placement. Severity of disability increases the disability "score", and if the disability is service-related the score improves.
Whatever resources may be available, it takes some effort to find out about them and connect. Perhaps you can find out, from Boston, what organizations might be in place to help him connect. A social worker would be ideal. There are particular resources for homeless vets, which your father might actually qualify for. Unfortunately, there is a considerable bureaucracy, so if you can connect your dad with a savvy advocate, with a vet organization or again, perhaps a social worker, they can try to push things along. It sounds like he needs a significant amount of support.
posted by citygirl at 4:04 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
Whatever resources may be available, it takes some effort to find out about them and connect. Perhaps you can find out, from Boston, what organizations might be in place to help him connect. A social worker would be ideal. There are particular resources for homeless vets, which your father might actually qualify for. Unfortunately, there is a considerable bureaucracy, so if you can connect your dad with a savvy advocate, with a vet organization or again, perhaps a social worker, they can try to push things along. It sounds like he needs a significant amount of support.
posted by citygirl at 4:04 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]
VA can be a bureaucratic nightmare, but they do have resources available if you’re persistent. Ask the SW if your father can be assigned his own case manager (through the VA). Also talk to the VA about housing options—vet homes are available, though need is high and wait is long. Would still try to get on the waiting list.
Also was your brother reported to APS? He was neglectful and financially abusive.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 5:30 PM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also was your brother reported to APS? He was neglectful and financially abusive.
posted by namemeansgazelle at 5:30 PM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
The VA has social workers who should be able to help with this very situation. My ex is a VA social worker. This is part of what she does. Start with the VA. Cost is nothing for a vet.
posted by AugustWest at 5:35 PM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by AugustWest at 5:35 PM on August 7, 2020 [2 favorites]
I am not a social worker in that state. There are a bunch things here
1.) The safety situation. Someone is involved to establish safety, and it seems that they have decided that the only immediately available solution is for him to live somewhere else .
This means he will be unable to pay the mortgage on his property unless he has significant wealth. If you must evict your brother and return the property to habitable condition prior to him moving back in, if there are any barriers in the process, he is likely to default on the mortgage, if he hasn't already due to financial mismanagement by your brother. Adult protective services has little leverage in these situations to protect your father from financial reprocussions.
2.) The level of neglect described here may or may not be a crime to be persued by local police authorities, this is something to find out now.
3) if your parent is nondecisional he can be assigned a law guardian. This is through the states attorney office where I am, but it may be slightly different. You don't actually have to take over if you can't.
4) there is VA case management and funding, you may want to try and link up with them ASAP, especially if the mortage loan is VA backed.
I'm sorry that this situation is happening, and i hope that local on the ground resources can give you the support you need for an ideal outcome, which you say is that your dad gets to move to his property with appropriate care. Here in IL, I think the most likely outcome would be assisted living in which his current benefits would pay for rent, utilities and care. The house would eventually be sold, most likely as-is or foreclosed on by the bank. If there is any monetary gain from the sale, it would be used for ongoing health care costs .
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:25 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
1.) The safety situation. Someone is involved to establish safety, and it seems that they have decided that the only immediately available solution is for him to live somewhere else .
This means he will be unable to pay the mortgage on his property unless he has significant wealth. If you must evict your brother and return the property to habitable condition prior to him moving back in, if there are any barriers in the process, he is likely to default on the mortgage, if he hasn't already due to financial mismanagement by your brother. Adult protective services has little leverage in these situations to protect your father from financial reprocussions.
2.) The level of neglect described here may or may not be a crime to be persued by local police authorities, this is something to find out now.
3) if your parent is nondecisional he can be assigned a law guardian. This is through the states attorney office where I am, but it may be slightly different. You don't actually have to take over if you can't.
4) there is VA case management and funding, you may want to try and link up with them ASAP, especially if the mortage loan is VA backed.
I'm sorry that this situation is happening, and i hope that local on the ground resources can give you the support you need for an ideal outcome, which you say is that your dad gets to move to his property with appropriate care. Here in IL, I think the most likely outcome would be assisted living in which his current benefits would pay for rent, utilities and care. The house would eventually be sold, most likely as-is or foreclosed on by the bank. If there is any monetary gain from the sale, it would be used for ongoing health care costs .
posted by AlexiaSky at 4:25 AM on August 8, 2020 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by small_ruminant at 1:35 PM on August 7, 2020 [3 favorites]