How long to wait before unmatching?

August 5, 2020 1:57 PM

I've been dating online across a number of platforms with varying degrees of success for years. One thing that confuses me is when to unmatch when I accept that the conversation is going nowhere. My therapist and friends all have different answers.

For example: I have three matches on Hinge. I have not heard from any of them since July 25. Previously, I had asked each of them if they were still interested in getting to know one another. Each responded affirmatively, and provided a reason.

1. "My kid is visiting until Monday. Will reach out after that."
2. "Sorry I was camping, I am generally off grid on weekends."

I thanked them for their responses and let them know I look forward to hearing from them, smiley face, because as a female I'm supposed to be fun, friendly, and approachable.

But this feels like a waste of time. To me, no response in almost two weeks IS a response. They're not interested. Move on. If it's not a fuck yes, it's a no.

My therapist suggests waiting. I'm confused because don't we teach people how to treat us? I don't want to teach somebody that not communicating for 12+ days is okay. I am matching their level of investment and do not want to reach out again.

As a 37 year old woman I don't have a ton of options. I RARELY get matches. But communication is a core value of mine. Yes, dating in a pandemic is weird. But these men are all 40+ and I want a partner who communicates well.

posted by Juniper Toast to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Bleh, just unmatch now. If someone wants to get to know you, they will keep in touch. Trust your gut.
posted by Kitchen Witch at 1:59 PM on August 5, 2020 [35 favorites]

You should totally move on and not give them a second thought.
posted by Alensin at 2:00 PM on August 5, 2020 [9 favorites]

I was talking with a friend today who is doing pandemic dating.

She mentioned that it feels urgent to be direct, and that she's frontloading talks that she would normally wait longer to have - like, while you are asking people how they are doing social distancing, mask wearing, etc., why not ask them how they get along with their families? Why not ask whether they want kids? There's no casual dating right now.

I think that if this is true for you, you should totally unmatch.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 2:04 PM on August 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

Move on. Not responding enthusiastically=not interested. Both men and women would rather eat glass lie than have to tell someone directly that they're not interested.

And that's often justified; well, not the lying, but when you have to tell someone gently that you're not interested, you run the risk of having crazy come back at you, and that can be very, very crazy. So, people just lie. It sucks, but then all of dating sucks.
posted by Melismata at 2:10 PM on August 5, 2020 [7 favorites]

your therapist is super wrong, you are right for all the reasons you mention. Unmatch.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:13 PM on August 5, 2020 [4 favorites]

What's your goal here? Are you wanting to keep chatting as a primary mode of communication until the pandemic is over, or do you eventually want to move on to phone/video/in-person dates?

If you want to move on to a different kind of communication/meeting, and you're still interested in them, you should propose that.

I'm someone who gets bored very quickly chatting with online dating matches who I haven't met in person, even if I'm interested in them. If the other person doesn't propose meeting up eventually, I'll either propose it myself or just stop replying. Not because I'm not interested, but just because I don't like messaging very much and I find the conversation flows much more easily when chatting in person.
posted by mekily at 2:14 PM on August 5, 2020 [8 favorites]

I get that “If it’s not a fuck yes, then it’s a no,” but it might help to remember that these people don’t actually know you in real life. There’s a chance they would be “fuck yes” after meeting you in person or even over video.
posted by dianeF at 2:19 PM on August 5, 2020 [8 favorites]

Are you "still interested in getting to know one another"?
Thanks for responding and "I look forward to hearing from" you :)


This phrasing that you said you used seems super passive-aggressive to me. Why not just, "Want to meet for a beer in the park one night this week? Let's bring picnic blankets and sit 6' apart." If they don't respond to that, leave it sitting there for ~two weeks and then, sure, unmatch them. I don't know why you need to actively unmatch, though?

Also, as a female you aren't "supposed" to be anything. Be the best authentic version of you.

When I did online dating, sometimes I would ignore someone for weeks (I was in my 20s and was overwhelmed by the inbounds). But then when I got back to them, I would say, "Hey, wanna meet up for a drink this week? On me since I was so MIA" (with an explanation of why I or my inbox was busy). If they've been distant, look for an assertive invite to meet in person soon after they get back in touch. Anything else is stringing you along.

12+ days is a lot, but 4-5 days of no contact should be fine.
posted by amaire at 2:23 PM on August 5, 2020 [22 favorites]

Personally, I just let them scroll down the page - I'm not sure that keeping someone matched on a dating app really reaches the level of "teaching others how we want to be treated".
posted by sagc at 2:24 PM on August 5, 2020 [6 favorites]

Either they want to be with/know you/etc or they don't. There's no middle ground.
Don't ever waste time on anyone who doesn't obviously want to be with you.
posted by signal at 2:27 PM on August 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

I don't think there's an obvious answer here. If you're willing to meet with people in person during the pandemic, suggest that when you first start talking to someone, because I think that meeting will make it much clearer to both of you whether you want to continue. Or, if you want to only date virtually, suggest a phone or video call early on. It's true that their lack of response after chatting means that they might not be interested. But the way these apps are designed to keep people swiping, I don't think that's necessarily a given. If you're interested in talking to any of your current matches again, reach out and ask how they are and if they want to talk on the phone. I don't think you're teaching them "that not communicating for 12+ days is okay" when you're not even in a relationship. If they don't reply, feel free to unmatch. On the other hand, it seems like it doesn't really matter if they keep sitting in your list of matches and you never talk again, since you can still ignore them and move on. If you happen to hear from someone later and they're your soul mate, great, but you don't have to wait for them.
posted by pinochiette at 2:38 PM on August 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

>"I do not want to reach out again"
Unmatch. Ignore the clarity and simplicity of your internal voice at your own peril.
posted by cocoagirl at 2:47 PM on August 5, 2020 [14 favorites]

The only thing I would add is that yes, we teach people how to treat us, but we do so when we already have some sort of connection with them. I would consider matching a "protoconnection," not quite a connection yet. You're not a real human being to many people until you've actually met, or at least spoken on the phone. If you feel strongly about not reaching out again, that is totally your prerogative, but in my view, that particular line of reasoning does not yet apply. I'd reach out one more time (and only one more time) if you are 37, rarely get matches, AND are interested in a relationship.
posted by namesarehard at 5:32 PM on August 5, 2020 [3 favorites]

I am matching their level of investment and do not want to reach out again.

I get you, except that these people do not know you and there is little for either of you to be invested in at this point. I think it can feel flattering when people are high contact but it doesn't actually mean that the person is invested OR interested, it could mean that they are bored. I don't think online dating, pandemic or not, lends itself well to teachable moments, either.

I do think you could have replied to either of those responses a bit more assertively but I'm not actually sure you are/were still interested, or were just validating your sense of whether there was interest or not from their side.

I'd be interesting in knowing why your therapist advocates waiting, though.
posted by sm1tten at 5:35 PM on August 5, 2020 [7 favorites]

There are a lot of possibilities for why they have not reached out again. Some are in line with your thinking, and some are completely external to it. You brush off the pandemic as a factor, but from my perspective right now we are all a bit tired, and less certain. I can relate that as I guy in your dating demographic it can be really hard to even reach back out when feeling that way - especially as more time goes by. Just as you described feeling a need for the smiley face in your message, a lot of us men have been acculturated to feel like our romantic interest is only 'valid' when we are on the top of our confident, competent and composed game. Recent events have made many folks feel anything but.
I'm not sure why you feel a need to unmatch at this point, unless you find it is psychologically causing you to look for messages you aren't receiving. From my point of view, reaching back out again on your part is perfectly valid. Good communication isn't always one and done. But, only you know where the balance is, and if you have already emotionally written these men off then there is no harm in following that up with the technical unmatch as well.
posted by meinvt at 6:04 PM on August 5, 2020 [8 favorites]

You’ll get a variety of answers here too. I’d also be interested to know why your therapist thinks you should wait. In the situations you’ve described, if you want to unmatch, unmatch. You could also leave them in your match queue forever while also completely forgetting about them. It happens all the time that you match with someone, the conversation falls off for a gazillion different reasons. At that point, unmatching them or not has very little bearing on the interaction.

Now if they said something offensive, and you unmatched right away, that would be an instance that would send a message.

as a female I'm supposed to be fun, friendly, and approachable.
I sense a tinge of resentment here? It’s also totally ok to reach out again after Monday, or after the camping weekend. I know you want someone who communicates well, but there could be a ton of reasons why they didn’t reach out. If you’ve only exchanged a few messages at that point, it’s easy to forget who you’ve been communicating with because you barely know each other at that point. It's way too early in the interaction to judge.

As a 37 year old woman I don't have a ton of options.
Is this only because of your age? Because 37 is still young (in my eyes). Or is it due to your geographical location or some other factor?

I RARELY get matches.
If you feel up to it, post your profile here as another question and we can provide feedback.

Anyway, online dating is really hard so I sympathize.
posted by foxjacket at 6:10 PM on August 5, 2020 [1 favorite]

Anecdata: M4F here on a couple different apps, and starting in the last few weeks I'm suddenly getting matches at a rate I've never seen -- like about 10x what I'd seen ever before -- but matches never replying to a friendly opening message. I mean, "normal" response rate to opening chats was already dismal for most people to start with, but this is worse. There's some strange dynamics going on these days.

It kind of seems to me like everyone needs a little more attention and validation than normal right now, but also has a lot less energy to get over the initial hump with someone or make pro-active plans. That's just a guess, everybody's situation is different, but it lines up with my experience at least. Am I gonna be in the mood for a spritely video chat with a lady I'm attracted to after work tomorrow? Who knows, it might depend on whether I accidentally glance at the news and have to scream myself to death between now and then.
posted by churl at 6:20 PM on August 5, 2020 [10 favorites]

I guess I don't get why you need to unmatch at all? Just go do other things and if they resurface and apologize profusely and exhibit some real enthusiasm, why not meet up with them if you are interested and feel like it. Or just leave it and don't respond. I don't bother unmatching unless someone has actually offended me in some way. I feel like if it really was disinterest on their part they don't contact me anyway.
posted by knownfossils at 6:28 PM on August 5, 2020 [5 favorites]

Just start swiping again, and talking to new matches. You can both not wait around for someone, while also not eliminating them as an option entirely.

I don't fully agree that someone's unreponsiveness on an app indicates disinterest in you per se. They're probably busy with other things, or people. However, it also doesn't make sense to wait around and expect them to come back. Just meet other people. If someone from the past "comes back", you can decide at that point whether you want to engage again, if they seem sincere.

*note: this only goes for people you're chatting with on an app. If you've already met and they've gone unresponsive for a long time, then obviously that's not cool*
posted by bearette at 6:42 PM on August 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

37 year old woman... these men are all 40+

a. don't exclusively date men several years-and-up older than you. younger women are not prizes but men often think they are, and men who think they have scored a prize do not treat you like one--bad enough--they treat themselves like prizewinners. a different and worse thing.

I am matching their level of investment

b. what a powerless position to voluntarily put yourself in. why not decide what you want to do, instead of carefully monitoring what they want to do so you can match it? if you are more interested than they are, you aren't going to get anywhere by hiding it. you probably aren't going to get anywhere by showing it, either. but things will at least move faster to whatever end they arrive at.

the reason you get different advice from everybody is because they can only tell you what they would do, and what you ought to do is what you would do. You should unmatch when you decide you would no longer be interested in going out with a guy if he did suddenly pop back up and ask you to. the "rule" for when that happens is found inside your own head, nowhere else.
posted by queenofbithynia at 10:57 PM on August 5, 2020 [8 favorites]

I thanked them for their responses and let them know I look forward to hearing from them, smiley face, because as a female I'm supposed to be fun, friendly, and approachable.

jesus, why bother with fake shit like that? I am not talking out of my ass from on high here, I am highly unapproachable and no fun, both online and for real (but I am also a woman, not "a female", so results may vary.) but no amount of anecdotal evidence about how this works for me or feminist rhetoric about why this is self-defeating can equal the sheer power of the fact that this seething imposed niceness is not working for you.

if the real-life results you're getting from a behavior don't live up to the cultural party line you think you've received about how you're "supposed to" act, maybe re-evaluate who is doing the supposing. make it you.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:08 PM on August 5, 2020 [15 favorites]

Until I've actually met someone, I don't know at all if I'm interested in them, text isn't really a predictor so I don't really think I have any kind of connection with them until we've met in person.

Until we do meet in person, I will be prioritising the people who are already in my life and I already have a connection with, ie friends, family, other commitments. Prioritising someone I *haven't* met yet and have little reason to believe at this stage will be any kind of meaningful connection over them, wouldn't be very loyal to the people I already know, if that makes sense?

At some point that's convenient, we meet up, and then evaluate whether there *is* any connection, it's a lotto ticket. At which point it is most likely obviously not a match, or looks hopeful enough that I start prioritising them in my life as a connection I want to build.

I wouldn't unmatch someone for not being around at the before-we've-met stage, but that's because I wouldn't really care at this point, I'm not emotionally invested, and it sounds like you are, because it's bothering you so much?

And we all have our own approaches to dating, and that's perfectly grand, communication is a priority, so filter on that, but again, it seems to be bothering you enough that it might indicate it is a bit early to get emotionally invested?
After you've met them at least.
posted by Elysum at 11:19 PM on August 5, 2020 [4 favorites]

I wonder if you are actually upset about something else. Or just tired. We're all tired as has been mentioned, and it does make me decide consciously to be a little more patient with making decisions - because I know my impulse is to be impatient just to get the decision DONE and not have to spend cycles on it any more. I see some of that from you - not even two weeks, no dates, and you're wanting an enthusiastic decision from someone else about their interest in you. Kind of like you're looking for someone else's enthusiasm to overcome your own ennui.

I don't know you and I'm probably projecting some here, but in case it's a helpful lens.
posted by Lady Li at 7:15 AM on August 6, 2020

I too picked up on the undercurrent of frustration and resentment in your comment about having to sound fun, friendly, and approachable at all times, even when you are feeling irritated or disappointed with your texting partners! However, consider the differences between these two responses:

M: Sorry, I was camping, I am generally off the grid on weekends.
W: OK, well, I look forward to hearing from you when you have the time! :-)

M: Sorry, I was camping, I am generally off the grid on weekends.
W: Oh nice! What campground did you go to?

I would posit that the latter response is *genuinely* more fun, friendly, and approachable than the former, and if you aren't feeling inclined to write these kinds of responses that pick up and continue the conversation in a natural way, maybe you aren't really feeling the connection with them either.
posted by clair-de-lune at 1:34 PM on August 6, 2020 [8 favorites]