stormwater, horse-falling-off

August 4, 2020 12:04 PM

Every so often, I'll sort of fall off a cliff and get plunged into a very disturbing sense of vulnerability and inadequacy. I try not to paper over the feeling with reassurance-seeking and distraction, but those are the only things that seem to bring relief (along with time). What else can I do?

For me, this can be triggered by a number of things. I experience a "falling off the horse" scenario maybe once a month, in terms of I can feel my mental health teetering a bit with weird sleep schedule stuff, maybe an intense physical experience (even a positive one!), trying to restart online dating, thinking about body/sex/sexuality things, etc. Sometimes I can ride out the imbalance, and sometimes, bye horsey hello dirt!!

If I fully fall off the horse (such as in the last 48 hours), I can feel really despairing and worthless and out of control. Just lots of crying and thinking about/noncommittal planning of suicidal actions/etc. I am able to access little safe spaces of support and hope in a, say, spending time chatting with a friend or playing a game together, or being outside for a moment, but it's just this fleeting little island of "I can endure" and then i'm back in despair place, and it scares me how unfulfilling or remote even those experiences can feel. (I'm planning to go back to therapy after a year off, FYI, starting next week. Thank god.) I can't seem to grab onto anything that would make me feel "you are worthwhile" -- I feel inescapably worthless in that scenario.

I guess my question for you all is, do you find value in a "well, I guess I'm in this storm, time to ride it out!" mentality? Or another approach? I feel like I've done lots of reading and thinking about mental health over the years and my understanding is that (1) mindfulness and/or healthy distraction will help ride out seemingly inescapable intense feelings without crumbling and (2) strategically cultivating those safe harbors/solid ground relationships and places and methods will help me steer towards them. I guess I'm not entirely certain if that's just how it is -- those comforts may not feel fully fulfilling or solve the problem, but they'll be something. (I realize I've combined storm/water and horse-riding metaphors here, but it's too late to change!!)

Anyways, I know those coping mechanisms abstractly, but I would love to just, I don't know, cultivate a more enduring sense of worth and/or not feel this really intense dynamic of "ahhh I need somebody to say they care about me so much right now, but I can't put that on other people, that's unfair to them, I'm so worthless and meaningless, bfdkalsf, want to die." Any wisdom about how to wrangle/ride/endure/persist through this all? I guess I'm here today, but sometimes it feels insurmountable. Thank you.

posted by elephantsvanish to Human Relations (15 answers total)

I can relate to this cycle, and the flawed-but-growing place I'm at in my journey is to tell myself "you always come out the other side" and then sleep for too long. Definitely a ride out the storm mentality, or like enduring a flare up. This is obviously not the best way to deal, but telling myself I always come out the other side carries more weight than like trying to convince my depression I have worth as a human.

I'm looking forward to other answers that are more helpful than mine.
posted by Grandysaur at 12:34 PM on August 4, 2020

I've been seeing an ACT therapist for about a year and a half. A big part of my motivation for starting to see him was that, in a time of many major life upheavals, I would periodically "lock up." I don't want to call these lock-ups "breakdowns," because I think that word is outdated and ambiguous, but that's how I'd describe them at the time. Using the language I've learned in therapy, in those moments I'd very seriously and completely lose touch with the present, with this very moment. I would be in a loop of ruminations about the past, about my powerlessness in the face of these upheavals, about the unpredictable nature of fortune and the future, on and on.

In the time since I started therapy, I've definitely leaned most on (2), specifically cultivating practices that variously ground me in the moment while my mind is reeling (sometimes I literally sit in a chair, feel the ground under my feet, the seat under my butt, pay attention to the cycle of my breathing, and do a simple repetitive gesture that I'm in control of--like clenching my fists tightly for 10 seconds, relaxing them for 10 seconds, and repeating). Grounding exercises, and honestly a lot of the ACT exercises, sound and feel and look kinda woo when you first get exposed to them. But, hey, there they are, all backed up in the literature with evidence and reproducibility. If you're interested and don't already have insight into ACT and techniques like this, I highly recommend grabbing a workbook like this one (that I use) and giving it a go yourself.

It's definitely not unfair to other people to turn to them for help getting yourself back on good footing when you need it. I worried about this so much--I mean I still worry about it but I've also felt the help it's brought to my life. To lapse into therapy-speak again, that's nothing more than looking for coregulation--when you're overwhelmed and can't regulate your own response to difficult feelings, some of us find great assistance turning to someone else to help us find that regulating influence. It's friggin' awesome that we can do this. I'm an outgoing, touchy-feely people person. I didn't realize all those years when I was not the one going through crises that this is what I was doing for/with other people. When my friend came over after a horrible breakup and I let him push his face into my shoulder and sob while I sat quietly with him, rocking a little bit and rubbing his back? Coregulation, happily given. When my stepdaughter came to me red-faced and panicked that she was about to be outed as trans and didn't want her bioparents to know yet, and I held her hand while we talked out a plan for me to be the voice that could say those first words for her until she could pick up the thread and talk to them? Coregulation, happily given. When I needed (NEEEEEEEDED) a friend to lie in bed with me so I could fall asleep after weeks of insomnia after my annus horribilis got into full swing? Yep, coregulation, a favor gingerly called in but, thankfully, eagerly returned. We're people and this is what we do with/for/among our true friends and family who have the skills and temperament for it.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:36 PM on August 4, 2020 [12 favorites]

A close friend of mine could have written this, verbatim, right down to the feelings of worthlessness and crying and contemplating suicide. In her case, she ended up seeing a psychiatrist, receiving a diagnosis, and is now taking medication.

She has repeatedly told me how grateful she is that she sought help and didn't need to ride out these monthly pits of despair anymore, and that the medication she is on has been life-changing. I can see the change, too. When you're in it I think it's hard to realize how bad it is until you can get out. YMMV but maybe it's worth bringing up medication with your therapist next week (good for you!).
posted by stellaluna at 12:52 PM on August 4, 2020

I often experience these kinds of feelings to a slightly lesser intensity. I've noticed for me that they seem to be at least partially connected to my menstrual cycle. Based on your post history I'm guessing you're not AFAB so this may not be relevant to you, but it might be worth investigating whether there's some chemical/biological trigger for these feelings. For me, even just knowing the cause helps me get through the episode.

Also, successfully doing a skill I'm competent at can help alleviate the feelings a bit -- though admittedly it's hard to feel competent at things when I'm feeling this way.
posted by mekily at 12:56 PM on August 4, 2020 [2 favorites]

If you are doing any kind of mindfulness meditation, try adding loving-kindness and compassion meditation into the mix. You can find lots of good recordings, videos, books and podcasts. Sharon Salzberg and Tara Brach especially have lots of good resources on this. It may feel silly at first to keep saying “may I be happy” but after a while it can shift some things.

And if your brain needs medications to support your health, please take them.
posted by matildaben at 1:01 PM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]

It seems like you may be having an emotional flashback. They are truly awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

>I guess my question for you all is, do you find value in a "well, I guess I'm in this storm, time to ride it out!" mentality?

Yes. Getting through these storms is the hardest thing I have ever done and ever will do. Getting through them means staying alive. Getting through them means living on to fight to be healthier and happier and fix whatever is going on in my brain. And I have been getting better. There are fewer, shorter storms.

What has helped me, a fellow emotional flashback sufferer, is to develop strategies to cope with them in the moment (I figured some strategies out myself, and others I figured out with a mental health professional), and strategies for day to day okay-ness and emotional regulation. On top of that, I'm working hard with a therapist to heal, so I don't have to deal with those storms anymore. You're right that you need something else to permanently fill that black hole in your chest, that missing sense of worth. You can do this with your therapist, a lot of work, and some time.
posted by Stoof at 1:07 PM on August 4, 2020 [5 favorites]

To me this sounds a lot like a "shutdown" and/or "meltdown". The following YouTube video (which I just watched yesterday...) describes some aspects of the experience(s) so that you can see if they resonate with what you feel, and discusses strategies to avoid them and to get out of them when they happen: Becca's Backyard LIVE (6/2/20): Let's Talk Shutdown & Burnout....

Please don't be put off by the host's mannerisms; she is autistic.
posted by heatherlogan at 1:21 PM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]

I don't know your age, but this sounds a lot like me after I went off the pill in my mid-30's. I had a lot of hormone fluctuations, including insomnia, weird aches and pains, and feelings of despair. Then it would get better for a while, and come back. Do you think it could be something like PMDD?

I didn't get a lot of help from doctors, maybe due to the time that I was experiencing this stuff (years ago), but maybe that is something you could bring up with your doctor, if you feel that it resonates with your experience.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 2:03 PM on August 4, 2020

Oh man, this is me. I’ve struggled with depression and self-esteem most of my life and managed to get by somehow until a year or so ago. I fell off the horse HARD and the horse ran away completely. It’s really good that you’re getting back in therapy, and that you’ve found an available therapist. Here are just a few of the things I’ve been trying: meditating every morning, listening to Jack Kornfield, taking no-THC CBD for sleep, watching the birds, writing down 3 good things at the end every day, reminding myself that bad things happen in life and we humans suffer, reading distracting books, listening to a nice English man reading classic children’s books, calling friends, seeing them however I can, listening to podcasts, going to physical therapy, signing up for an art class, reading Ram Dass, doing as many volunteer shifts as I’m physically able at a local park, getting outside, riding my bike, and listening to old NFL games on You Tube. All of these things help patch me up, but ultimately I’ve realized that medication is what I need. For reasons, I had gone off of my antidepressants in 2018 and I was ok for a while. But not now. I don’t know if that will be your answer, but it sounds like you’re strong, aware that you need help, and you’re looking in the right directions.

Something else that is often recommended here on the green is cognitive behavioral therapy. I found that to be quite helpful as well and used a lot of the resources on David Burns’ website.

Hang in there and I wish you the best of luck.
posted by Gusaroo at 3:33 PM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]

It helps to know it's not "real". This is a thing that happens to me sometimes, it's not a reflection of the real world, it's not forever, it's just an experience I'm having. So yeah - riding out the storm helps as a mindset.
posted by Lady Li at 4:29 PM on August 4, 2020 [1 favorite]

This used to happen to me a lot, and the sensation of falling off a cliff emotionally is still a pretty visceral memory. At its worst, a single small cliff-fall of this nature could trigger a months- or years-long depressive episode.

The single biggest thing that's helped was doing therapy specifically focused around my early life trauma. I didn't go into that process aiming to solve this specific problem, but it did largely solve it anyway. I still very occasionally fall into a despair-hole but it's much briefer and less catastrophic, and I have better tools for getting out of it and talking to myself gently while I'm in it.

Someone above mentioned emotional flashbacks, and these were a big part of what ultimately drove me to trauma-focused therapy. I've written elsewhere on AskMe about the slow process of coming to realise that trauma was the root cause of the things that felt deeply wrong with me throughout my teens and early-mid twenties. If trauma doesn't immediately resonate as the root cause (it certainly didn't for me right when I was starting out trying to get on top of this stuff), it might be worth sitting with the source of where your bad feelings and need for external validation are coming for and probing (gently) at the bits that hurt, potentially with an attitude of "could it be trauma?", and then spending some time there with a professional if you think it might.

(It might not be, but it took me such a long time to connect the dots between "I feel terrible even when I'm not experiencing crippling mental illness of no obvious origin" and "my early life and the house I grew up in were messed up in a bunch of ways that I have strongly repressed in order to survive" that I feel duty-bound to suggest trauma-not-yet-identified-as-trauma as a potential root cause when people are stuck in the "I feel crappy much of the time but don't know why" hole.)
posted by terretu at 3:13 AM on August 5, 2020

I have this. It's called cyclical depression, and it manifests similarly to bi-polar in that the downturn comes suddenly and hard, and need not be triggered by external issues. You just dont get the manic episodes as a counterpoint.

I tried every mindfulness practice and reached out for help for decades. But hen it hit, I could just not pull myself out of the pit, and sometimes they would last for months. So now I'm on Lamotrigin, which has literally given me back my life. I dont fall off my horse anymore. I might slide around a bit, but I never fall off.

Best of luck. This sucks and there is no shame in trying medication if your self-care isnt working.
posted by ananci at 7:04 AM on August 5, 2020

Hang in there, this sounds really hard. I have been there. Saying the Serenity prayer, like a mantra, has helped this particular atheist. Reminding myself that “this, too, will pass” has helped at times. My best therapist asked me to try to imagine bobbing on top of the sea of my emotions if possible in those moments when I felt like I was about to drown in my emotions.

I did/do self-soothing activities as needed and without guilt. When my brain gives me misinformation (classic example: “living is too hard; not living would be better”) I pull out all the distractions and self-soothing tools I have. If you don’t have many self-soothing tools, search for DBT or dialectical behavioral therapy and “self soothing” to get ideas.

When my brain gives me terrible information, as it does on occasion, I’m usually able to recognize that it is terrible information and respond accordingly. But sometimes it’s not that dramatic. I just have feelings that feel shitty and sometimes sitting there in discomfort is the fastest way through the experience. I do remember, most of the time, that I have been in this uncomfortable place before. And that helps me hang on until I am in a better place emotionally.

I'm not entirely certain if that's just how it is -- those comforts may not feel fully fulfilling or solve the problem, but they'll be something.

It has been my experience that basically I needed all the things to help me keep it together or pull myself back together after I had fallen apart. I was in my 50s before I discovered what emotional regulation was. I couldn’t actually do it without pharmaceutical help but before that I didn’t even understand it as a concept. Today I don’t need to use emotional-regulation tools as often as I once did because of a newish antidepressant I went on six months ago. I’ve had suicidal ideation three times in the six months since I started this new medicine; before I was having it about once a week, which sucked majorly. I consider myself incredibly lucky to have listened to my psychiatrist and tried a drug I wasn’t interested in. Because I went from being miserable half or more of the time to being emotionally something close to maybe, potentially normal. Still, not all drugs work and lots of people never find one or more drugs that help them in the way that I have been helped.

Thanks for asking this question; I am super excited to hear that you are seeing your therapist next week. You may be many things, but you are absolutely not alone in facing these issues. And your friends and family want you to reach out to them when you need affirmation or validation. Good luck!
posted by Bella Donna at 9:29 AM on August 5, 2020 [2 favorites]

I deal with it by reminding myself that feeling like I'm totally not coping, while somehow still managing to stay breathing, is just what actually coping with a bad patch feels like. It's fucking horrible. But it always does go away, and the less effort I waste on trying to make it hurry up and just fucking do that already, the faster it does.

If I have any spare bandwidth I'll try to do bits and snatches of trying to recall the path by which I landed in this place again, to see if there's anything I can learn about how to step off it a bit earlier next time.

The result of these repeated researches has led to the discovery that the main thing, for me, has always boiled down to sleep. If I'm not getting enough of it, I go backwards both mentally and physically (I hurt). If I keep not getting enough, I start going backwards very very fast. So I've learned to prioritize good sleep above every other mental health preservation tactic.

And as it turns out, I need a lot of good sleep - ten hours a day on a sustained basis, or eleven if I can't achieve my preferred mid-afternoon waking time. Took many years of beating myself up for being a lazy bastard before I got to a place where I could accept that this is just how my body works and this is what I need to do to stay healthy.

I realize I've combined storm/water and horse-riding metaphors here

Any horse in a storm.
posted by flabdablet at 6:53 AM on August 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

Which reminds me: there was one of these episodes that dragged on for fucking months after having otherwise recovered from pneumonia, and the thing that eventually got me started on the way up and out from that was an afternoon spent in a paddock just hanging about with horses. Not doing anything with them, just being near them in a green paddock on a mild spring day in the sun.

Horses are good people.
posted by flabdablet at 7:00 AM on August 6, 2020 [1 favorite]