Why aren’t I better yet?
July 17, 2020 11:13 AM Subscribe
I’ve gone through a lot of stress in the last few years. It’s mostly over, but I still can’t get anything done. I can’t focus. I’m not myself. How do I get better?
A lot has happened in the last few years. I went through a crazy amount of stress. I've always procrastinated, but never what I had in the last year with constant headaches and throwing up from anxiety. But the sources of my work stress are (mostly) gone and I’ve spent most of shelter in place doing very little, mostly only working a few hours a day. It was very much needed.
But I still can’t muster up much enthusiasm and I don’t feel like myself. I’m frustrated. I keep telling myself it’s over, you had your time to rest, now it’s time to kick back into gear. It's been months and months!
I’ve always prided myself on being responsible and hard working, but now I can’t help avoiding things. I get asked by work to do things and I wait until the last possible moment to do the minimum. I avoid emails. I avoid talking to people. I avoid coworkers and work friends. I don’t enjoy really much of anything. Most of my time is just numbing myself out and distracting myself by binge watching TV and the internet because I can work from home. I’m in therapy and I’m on meds. I just want to feel normal again. I feel like I’m drowning. It's been months of this. I want to feel better so badly! And my job needs me to feel better, I have so much to do. I go through a week or two of working normally and then I crash and just can't keep going. I saw this Ask from 12 years ago but I worry it's beyond that now, I don't know how to snap out of it once the circumstances are already improving.
I don’t know if it’s also linked to potential abuse.
In the last few months, I’ve realized that my former boss was intensely emotionally and verbally abusive, and even though they are gone now, I struggle to engage with work again. I used to work so hard and love it, but I haven't enjoyed it in years, and now I just feel unable to. It’s also been a lot to process that my high tolerance for that comes from (surprise!) growing up in a family that was also emotionally abusive into adulthood. I never let myself think of it as abuse before and I’m still working through that to be honest. I have a lot of issues with people pleasing and being assertive, so much so that even friends make a point of encouraging me. I’m also so confused about abuse and trauma now. On and off, I feel so sure that my long-term partner may be abusive to me but also I feel like maybe I am the abuser, like they say, and it’s my fault. I can't stop thinking about it. I used to think I have no choice but to work and do well and forced myself, and now that I'm trying to internalize that yes, this is a choice and there is so much freedom and potential good in life, I'm frozen in place.
What do I do now? How do I move forward?
A lot has happened in the last few years. I went through a crazy amount of stress. I've always procrastinated, but never what I had in the last year with constant headaches and throwing up from anxiety. But the sources of my work stress are (mostly) gone and I’ve spent most of shelter in place doing very little, mostly only working a few hours a day. It was very much needed.
But I still can’t muster up much enthusiasm and I don’t feel like myself. I’m frustrated. I keep telling myself it’s over, you had your time to rest, now it’s time to kick back into gear. It's been months and months!
I’ve always prided myself on being responsible and hard working, but now I can’t help avoiding things. I get asked by work to do things and I wait until the last possible moment to do the minimum. I avoid emails. I avoid talking to people. I avoid coworkers and work friends. I don’t enjoy really much of anything. Most of my time is just numbing myself out and distracting myself by binge watching TV and the internet because I can work from home. I’m in therapy and I’m on meds. I just want to feel normal again. I feel like I’m drowning. It's been months of this. I want to feel better so badly! And my job needs me to feel better, I have so much to do. I go through a week or two of working normally and then I crash and just can't keep going. I saw this Ask from 12 years ago but I worry it's beyond that now, I don't know how to snap out of it once the circumstances are already improving.
I don’t know if it’s also linked to potential abuse.
In the last few months, I’ve realized that my former boss was intensely emotionally and verbally abusive, and even though they are gone now, I struggle to engage with work again. I used to work so hard and love it, but I haven't enjoyed it in years, and now I just feel unable to. It’s also been a lot to process that my high tolerance for that comes from (surprise!) growing up in a family that was also emotionally abusive into adulthood. I never let myself think of it as abuse before and I’m still working through that to be honest. I have a lot of issues with people pleasing and being assertive, so much so that even friends make a point of encouraging me. I’m also so confused about abuse and trauma now. On and off, I feel so sure that my long-term partner may be abusive to me but also I feel like maybe I am the abuser, like they say, and it’s my fault. I can't stop thinking about it. I used to think I have no choice but to work and do well and forced myself, and now that I'm trying to internalize that yes, this is a choice and there is so much freedom and potential good in life, I'm frozen in place.
What do I do now? How do I move forward?
There's no schedule for these things. I've been working through some stuff lately too, and it's always irritating to discover that Maladaptive Behavior X is easily traceable all the way back to my childhood and why haven't I just dealt with it already?!
But that's not a useful question, because I don't have a time machine to go make Past Me brush up her toes. Even if I did, would she? (Kinda doubt it. She was pretty stubborn.)
All I can do is kindly, persistently help Present Me get closer to what I'd like her to be. And it does take kindness, and it does take persistence... and it doesn't happen on a schedule. It's not always clear where she's going, even -- and I see some of that same questioning in your ask.
Re abuse: Find a second perspective, third perspective, however many it takes. I am so grateful to people who have told me "no, humbug, that's not actually okay, that's messed up," because I usually assume that whatever's wrong is my fault. ("It's fine to feel/think/do as you do!" is also a handy bit of perspective, for that matter.) Perspective can come from a therapist, but in my life it's been friends who have their heads on straight.
Much love to you. This sounds hard.
posted by humbug at 12:14 PM on July 17, 2020 [7 favorites]
But that's not a useful question, because I don't have a time machine to go make Past Me brush up her toes. Even if I did, would she? (Kinda doubt it. She was pretty stubborn.)
All I can do is kindly, persistently help Present Me get closer to what I'd like her to be. And it does take kindness, and it does take persistence... and it doesn't happen on a schedule. It's not always clear where she's going, even -- and I see some of that same questioning in your ask.
Re abuse: Find a second perspective, third perspective, however many it takes. I am so grateful to people who have told me "no, humbug, that's not actually okay, that's messed up," because I usually assume that whatever's wrong is my fault. ("It's fine to feel/think/do as you do!" is also a handy bit of perspective, for that matter.) Perspective can come from a therapist, but in my life it's been friends who have their heads on straight.
Much love to you. This sounds hard.
posted by humbug at 12:14 PM on July 17, 2020 [7 favorites]
It sounds to me like your body needs a loooot of rest. Your family was emotionally abusive into adulthood, your former boss was very abusive, and your partner may also be abusive (if they’re saying to you that you’re abusive in response to you saying they’re abusive, that’s a HUGE red flag that they are actually abusive. This is a common tactic in the abuser’s handbook. Please read “why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft – there are free PDFs of it online). It’s no wonder you don’t feel like yourself. It sounds like you’re still recovering from everything you’ve been through, and this isn’t something where there’s a finish line or a clear end where you say “yes, I’m ok again.” It’s a lifelong process. You tell yourself that it’s over, but maybe it’s not. Maybe the immediate sources of abuse are gone (or not, re: your partner), but I honestly think you need way more time to heal. Capitalism tells you you’re only worth something if you’re working and making money. If you’re not, you’re lazy and a mooch on society. You’re a beautiful person and you’re worth something, ok? You’ve been through a LOT of trauma. It’s ok to feel like crap, or numb, because of it. Please be gentle with yourself. In addition to therapy/meds, I would try doing some exercise/yoga/meditation and journaling or some other creative outlet.
posted by foxjacket at 1:22 PM on July 17, 2020 [10 favorites]
posted by foxjacket at 1:22 PM on July 17, 2020 [10 favorites]
It's trauma, and it takes a while to recover. Therapy. Lots of positive affirmations. Recognizing that your world has had a lot of broken people, but that you can be whole in spite of them. And all the basic mental health stuff. Good nutrition, time in nature, exercise. If you know anyonewith a dog or cat, they are often therapeutic.
posted by theora55 at 7:43 PM on July 17, 2020
posted by theora55 at 7:43 PM on July 17, 2020
Even if you only had the recent work trauma in play, my personal experience has been that these things always take much longer to heal from than we feel they should. Adding in the only-just-becoming-consciously-aware-of-family-trauma angle stretches out the recovery time for "better" even further.
I know from experience how immensely frustrating it can be to not feel "better", "normal", "done", "whole" again (or for the first time) even when it also feels like you've been doing everything you should to recover in terms of rest, therapy, self-care etc. My own journey was something like:
I've come to the conclusion that it's going to be a lifelong journey, which is depressing as hell on one level (I had no choice over the circumstances of my birth and get to spend most if not all of my one precious life profoundly impacted by the sack of emotional garbage that my parents hemmed me into growing up, what a crappy roll of the dice) and liberating as hell on another (it's a journey, and I get to fuck it up along the way and still have another crack at it; my upbringing was not at all conducive to building a growth mindset but fuck them, I'm going to draw even though I'm bad at it, I'm going to try even though I'll probably fail at some stuff and that won't be the end of the world etc.).
I'm intrigued by your framing of "better" in this question. If you mean "all the way better", then that's probably going to take a really long time, possibly a most-of-your-life long time. If you mean "better than I felt last year/last month/yesterday", that's a lot more tractable. So the bad news is that "all the way better" is unlikely to happen any time soon and you probably have a lot of intense, painful work to do on the way there. But the good news is that doing that work makes "better than last year/last month/yesterday" happen all the time along the way.
Right now I'm trying to lean into the long term nature of this process, rather than getting bent out of shape because there isn't a quick fix. I've learnt enough about myself in doing this work so far and grown enough as a person that I feel hopeful and excited to at least some extent about learning more about myself and growing more as a person, which wasn't true before I started doing this work. I've written here before about the ways I used to feel about myself before I did this work, and it's much less fraught to be myself and live in the world after having done some of this work, even if I do still feel resentment sometimes at the sheer amount of the same work that lies before me if I want to knock that list of trauma behaviours down into single digits some day.
Good luck - it's a long hard road, but it's definitely better to start walking it than to stand stuck at the beginning for years at a time because the length and difficulty of the road seem overwhelming. I realise you're anonymous but I would be happy to chat more about this stuff if you ever want to memail.
posted by terretu at 2:44 AM on July 18, 2020 [8 favorites]
I know from experience how immensely frustrating it can be to not feel "better", "normal", "done", "whole" again (or for the first time) even when it also feels like you've been doing everything you should to recover in terms of rest, therapy, self-care etc. My own journey was something like:
- No surface awareness that the way my family raised me was abusive & deeply dysfunctional, but lots of trauma responses, severe mental illness that seemed to come from nowhere etc. (mid-teens to early-mid twenties)
- Gradual awareness through early attempts at therapy that my family of origin was indeed abusive & dysfunctional, still with severe mental illness & increasing trauma-related symptoms (mid-twenties)
- Serious engagement with trauma-focused therapy, with severe mental illness more under control but trauma symptoms still causing significant functioning issues (late twenties)
- Trauma symptoms more under control but still present to some extent, severe mental illness mostly under control but still plenty of maladaptive coping mechanisms and leftover trauma responses present in my daily life, not currently in therapy and feeling kind of burnt out on self-improvement but aware that there is more that will probably need to be addressed in the future (early thirties, i.e. now).
I've come to the conclusion that it's going to be a lifelong journey, which is depressing as hell on one level (I had no choice over the circumstances of my birth and get to spend most if not all of my one precious life profoundly impacted by the sack of emotional garbage that my parents hemmed me into growing up, what a crappy roll of the dice) and liberating as hell on another (it's a journey, and I get to fuck it up along the way and still have another crack at it; my upbringing was not at all conducive to building a growth mindset but fuck them, I'm going to draw even though I'm bad at it, I'm going to try even though I'll probably fail at some stuff and that won't be the end of the world etc.).
I'm intrigued by your framing of "better" in this question. If you mean "all the way better", then that's probably going to take a really long time, possibly a most-of-your-life long time. If you mean "better than I felt last year/last month/yesterday", that's a lot more tractable. So the bad news is that "all the way better" is unlikely to happen any time soon and you probably have a lot of intense, painful work to do on the way there. But the good news is that doing that work makes "better than last year/last month/yesterday" happen all the time along the way.
Right now I'm trying to lean into the long term nature of this process, rather than getting bent out of shape because there isn't a quick fix. I've learnt enough about myself in doing this work so far and grown enough as a person that I feel hopeful and excited to at least some extent about learning more about myself and growing more as a person, which wasn't true before I started doing this work. I've written here before about the ways I used to feel about myself before I did this work, and it's much less fraught to be myself and live in the world after having done some of this work, even if I do still feel resentment sometimes at the sheer amount of the same work that lies before me if I want to knock that list of trauma behaviours down into single digits some day.
Good luck - it's a long hard road, but it's definitely better to start walking it than to stand stuck at the beginning for years at a time because the length and difficulty of the road seem overwhelming. I realise you're anonymous but I would be happy to chat more about this stuff if you ever want to memail.
posted by terretu at 2:44 AM on July 18, 2020 [8 favorites]
If you are in therapy and not feeling like it's getting you to where you need to be, perhaps it's worth pausing with your current therapist, while you try something else for a bit?
There are so many options out there to try, and if you find something that REALLY works for you, then it could be well worth the upheaval of changing up for a bit.
Example: I have always used CBT for depression, but when PND coincided with wintertime to create a hideous period of mental health, what worked was a more talk therapy approach, coupled with EMDR for PTSD (from birth trauma).
It was a huge game changer for me, and a reminder that there are so many tools out there, they all work differently, and that's not even to mention that all therapists take a slightly different approach too.
For example, your therapist may be a great listener, but you need proactive advice rather than just a listening ear. Or the opposite! Your therapist may be the sort who wants to let you come to conclusions in your own way, where you may need or want a firmer approach where they challenge you a bit more. Or the opposite. There are so many variables, and so many ways to find a different fit for you and your situation.
By all means disregard this if you have a really good think going with your therapist, but it's something to bear in mind.
posted by greenish at 5:17 AM on July 18, 2020
There are so many options out there to try, and if you find something that REALLY works for you, then it could be well worth the upheaval of changing up for a bit.
Example: I have always used CBT for depression, but when PND coincided with wintertime to create a hideous period of mental health, what worked was a more talk therapy approach, coupled with EMDR for PTSD (from birth trauma).
It was a huge game changer for me, and a reminder that there are so many tools out there, they all work differently, and that's not even to mention that all therapists take a slightly different approach too.
For example, your therapist may be a great listener, but you need proactive advice rather than just a listening ear. Or the opposite! Your therapist may be the sort who wants to let you come to conclusions in your own way, where you may need or want a firmer approach where they challenge you a bit more. Or the opposite. There are so many variables, and so many ways to find a different fit for you and your situation.
By all means disregard this if you have a really good think going with your therapist, but it's something to bear in mind.
posted by greenish at 5:17 AM on July 18, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
The problem is that once you've gotten beaten up enough (in any sense of the word) your brain never stops being on the lookout for the next one, and while it's exhausting, it's perfectly understandable. And it sounds like you've been through a lot, for a long time. Your brain is just trying to keep you safe. It's not something you can just snap out of. What you're experiencing is a normal, expected, tale as old as time reaction to what happened to you, not something you're failing at.
Keep taking as much rest as you can, and try to gently notice any little moments when you feel like you're enjoying being at rest. Then you can slowly work your way up to enjoying more things, at your own pace.
posted by bleep at 12:02 PM on July 17, 2020 [5 favorites]