Money makes everything easier
June 19, 2020 8:59 PM Subscribe
Tell me everything you know about raising money to give to someone who is getting out of a domestic abuse situation. Are we talking GoFundMe here, or something else?
To be brief - far flung friends (many of whom don't really know each other) are trying to raise around $10k to get a woman out of a very very bad situation. There are two kids involved. My instinct is a quiet GoFundMe that we could just pass from hand to hand, but what other options are there?
To be brief - far flung friends (many of whom don't really know each other) are trying to raise around $10k to get a woman out of a very very bad situation. There are two kids involved. My instinct is a quiet GoFundMe that we could just pass from hand to hand, but what other options are there?
It's not clear if you are looking for fundraising platforms or ways to maximize support for the survivor and their children, but there are resources for survivors of domestic abuse listed on the MeFi Wiki ThereIsHelp page that may be able to provide emotional, logistical, and financial support. Navigating things like address confidentiality programs, as well as finding free legal assistance, may all be supported by local organizations that are typically connected to national networks. Very bad situations may require more than financial support, and there is help.
posted by katra at 9:12 PM on June 19, 2020
posted by katra at 9:12 PM on June 19, 2020
If everyone is somewhat connected to each other and you don’t expect internet strangers to contribute, you’d save some money having one person collect the money through Venmo, bank transfers, etc. and pushing out email or social media updates on their own. Gofundme charges a fee of around 3% so $300 on the amount you’re raising
posted by horizons at 9:13 PM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by horizons at 9:13 PM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Just to clarify - we have the legal and emotional support parts largely handled. The issue at this point is that she will need funds to hire an attorney and pay for some logistics in her escape. A number of people have offered to give money toward that. Those people don't really know each other. We're trying to figure out the best way to provide a central donation point. No "internet strangers" per se, but a number of people whose only common point is the woman in question.
posted by anastasiav at 9:18 PM on June 19, 2020
posted by anastasiav at 9:18 PM on June 19, 2020
Just to clarify, you may not want to assume that $10,000 would be enough to pay out of pocket for a 'very bad' DV case with children. One of the reasons that free legal assistance can be available (e.g. through VAWA grants) is so that survivors aren't limited by financial considerations when making decisions about their case. Your friend may be eligible for free legal assistance, which could give them more power and control over their situation, and then the funds raised by friends could help secure basic needs like housing, etc, which could be relevant and helpful in a custody case. It may be helpful to first determine whether your friend is eligible for free legal assistance and whether the money you are raising can be used to strengthen their case in other ways. Organizations that support survivors of domestic violence often network with organizations that provide free legal assistance, and then can work together to support the survivor during their case, if the survivor wants that support.
posted by katra at 9:28 PM on June 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by katra at 9:28 PM on June 19, 2020 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Katra, we're aware of the free legal options for her here in Maine, and the pros and cons of them. Thank you.
posted by anastasiav at 9:33 PM on June 19, 2020
posted by anastasiav at 9:33 PM on June 19, 2020
If the potential donors don't really know each other, it may be better to use GoFundMe or other centralized donation repository. I don't know that I personally would feel comfortable handing over money to an unknown party and hoping they will use it as they state they will. At least with GFM and the like, you can see how much has been donated and by whom (though some can be anonymous).
I'm assuming it wouldn't be safe or reliable for the woman to receive donations directly, but maybe an account could be set up for her, which only she would be allowed to withdraw from, and people could directly deposit to that account. She could then access it after she moves to a safer location.
posted by nirblegee at 2:05 AM on June 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm assuming it wouldn't be safe or reliable for the woman to receive donations directly, but maybe an account could be set up for her, which only she would be allowed to withdraw from, and people could directly deposit to that account. She could then access it after she moves to a safer location.
posted by nirblegee at 2:05 AM on June 20, 2020 [2 favorites]
It seems like a stealth GoFundMe would work.
I will say that I have done this for an online friend (less than $10k, though), and we just did it on the honor system, through one person. I took PayPal donations into my PP account--I think it ended up being around $800--and PPed them to the person we were collecting for. But I was a longtime member of the community who had met some other members in person, so I had enough social capital to be trustworthy (and had donated money in other situations myself).
Thank you for helping this person.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:16 AM on June 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
I will say that I have done this for an online friend (less than $10k, though), and we just did it on the honor system, through one person. I took PayPal donations into my PP account--I think it ended up being around $800--and PPed them to the person we were collecting for. But I was a longtime member of the community who had met some other members in person, so I had enough social capital to be trustworthy (and had donated money in other situations myself).
Thank you for helping this person.
posted by gideonfrog at 7:16 AM on June 20, 2020 [1 favorite]
From personal experience, there is a very good chance that money given directly to her will end up in the abuser’s hands. She isn’t in a safe space to recieve it right now. So pay the providers directly with instructions that refunds go to the donors and not her in case she goes back again. Circulate the name of the lawyer she has chosen and people can wire/etransfer/mail Cheques directly to the lawyers office for the retainer. If you are renting a moving van one person can write the cheque/wire/etransfer from their own account and just ask others in the group to contribute. Gofundme and the fees they take are overkill in this situation, and it is safer for her if it is decentralized/kept offline.
Legally, the best thing is to get into a women’s shelter - judges tend to take claims of abuse more credibly if the woman gives up so much of her life that a shelter is the only option she feels she has. It also hooks her into a lot of supports she will need as well as saving money. For a lot of middle class women they resist the shelter route to their own detriment.
(To be clear, I am not judging her about handing that rescue money to the abuser, but if the abuser gives her the choice between her/her children’s lives or the money she is absolutely going to hand it over. And then her shame will stop her for asking for help again, and the reluctance of friends to put out more money leave her even more isolated. Don’t put her in the position of having to hand that money over and be even more fucked, please. Abuse is a hell of a mindfuck for everyone involved).
posted by saucysault at 11:12 AM on June 20, 2020 [7 favorites]
Legally, the best thing is to get into a women’s shelter - judges tend to take claims of abuse more credibly if the woman gives up so much of her life that a shelter is the only option she feels she has. It also hooks her into a lot of supports she will need as well as saving money. For a lot of middle class women they resist the shelter route to their own detriment.
(To be clear, I am not judging her about handing that rescue money to the abuser, but if the abuser gives her the choice between her/her children’s lives or the money she is absolutely going to hand it over. And then her shame will stop her for asking for help again, and the reluctance of friends to put out more money leave her even more isolated. Don’t put her in the position of having to hand that money over and be even more fucked, please. Abuse is a hell of a mindfuck for everyone involved).
posted by saucysault at 11:12 AM on June 20, 2020 [7 favorites]
I have in this situation sent payments directly to the lawyer, landlords etc and done a monthly cash payment for groceries etc. The situation tends to be chaotic and involve returns and it’s easier to do direct payments to vendors in a sense.
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:15 PM on June 21, 2020
posted by dorothyisunderwood at 4:15 PM on June 21, 2020
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Consider, what to do with the dough if the victim never leaves? Ex chose to individually contact all donors and return the money.
a) I'm just saying what happened, I have no idea if this was right, then or now.
b) Using 'victim' seems one dimensional. Sorry, I know this is a real person you are talking about.
posted by j_curiouser at 9:11 PM on June 19, 2020 [3 favorites]