It’s a beautiful day in the castle, and you are a horrible princess...

June 19, 2020 11:14 AM

I could use advice on building a fictional antagonist: Imagine you are an absolute brat and terror of a princess (think fantasy / historical rather than contemporary), and you finally have a lady-in-waiting. What do you have her do from the mundane (fixing your hair, getting you dressed) to the inane, the ridiculous, the horrid, and the impossible?
posted by kyliej to Writing & Language (23 answers total)

- Make her say "no" to someone who has more power- tell the prime minister that the princess is not available, which will anger them, etc.
- Make her carry your aggravating messages- return a meal to the chef four times for different nitpicky reasons.
- Lots of things, actually, that would boil down to "make her an unwilling accomplice to your bad behavior, in a way that will be socially difficult". These can also serve the purpose of alienating her from potential allies, by making the servant appear to be unpleasant herself.
- Let a pet urinate/defecate on the floor on purpose. Make her clean it.
- Go somewhere very hot/cold/smelly/unpleasant and fetch (trivial object). Never mind, take it back.
- Stand for a long time in the sun on a hot day, holding a parasol to shade Princess, who is sitting with a cool drink. This could lead to fainting/heat stroke. How dare you embarrass her by fainting!
posted by Adridne at 11:25 AM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]

Demand that she runs the princess a bubble bath with precisely 1,000 bubbles, carefully counted.
posted by mochapickle at 11:28 AM on June 19, 2020 [4 favorites]

Make her cut off all her own lustrous long hair to make you a wig. Wear it once and then throw it away.
posted by nantucket at 11:40 AM on June 19, 2020 [4 favorites]

Make her an unwilling accomplice in pranks (putting a spider in the queen's bed, etc.) and then letting the blame fall entirely on her
posted by daisystomper at 12:21 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

I imagine just changing your clothes a lot more than is socially required, or having unrealistic expectations about the timeliness/quality of the laundry would be pretty awful for someone who has to attend to those things, if you want your antagonist to be more oblivious-awful than vindictive.
posted by janell at 12:25 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

I demand my lady-in-waiting clean the birdcages daily (because of course I keep of flock of various exotic breeds); she must shovel out and change the horse bedding twice daily, and keep the palace floors and surfaces absolutely speck-free. If she fails in these duties, I will thwart any romantic hopes she has towards the village handsome guy.
On second thought, I would thwart her romantic hopes as a matter of principle. She can live only for ME.
posted by BostonTerrier at 12:29 PM on June 19, 2020 [3 favorites]

Find me a left-handed monkey wrench.
posted by BungaDunga at 12:39 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

Model her after Ivanka Trump, thinks she's capable, has a heart, is loved. *cough*
Model her after editor(Anna Wintour) in The Devil Wears Prada.

Princess demands immediate attention for a trivial matter when Assistant is on the phone getting terrible news. (this happened to me)
Thoughtlessness. Princess demands that Assistant wear newly designed uniform, which is wool, and pays no attention to hot weather. Complains that assistant is red in the face and sweating.
Assigns tasks during palace staff dinner time, Assistant is always missing meals.
Goes to some location, sends Assistant on pointless errand, leaves without Assistant, who is stranded.
Princess routinely hands gross things to Assistant - used chewing gum, etc.
Oh I started my period; that chair needs to be cleaned. more than once.
posted by theora55 at 1:09 PM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]

Constant gaslighting. Ask for a bowl of cherries, when they arrive, scold the lady in waiting for not being able to tell the difference between cherries and gooseberries which was what was originally asked for.

LiW might one day break and accidentally think that a basket of poisonous asps were a basket of baby ducklings.
posted by porpoise at 1:19 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

The lady-in-waiting is probably a noblewoman herself rather than a servant so the socially embarrassing demands rather than menial tasks would be more likely and more damaging.
posted by Botanizer at 1:36 PM on June 19, 2020 [10 favorites]

Can you sort this jar of mixed pink and purple glitter into a pile of pink and a pile of blue glitter?

Go to the flower district tomorrow at 5am and get six dozen roses color matched to this swatch of pink fabric. I want to take a bath with rose petals that match my bathmat.

Reserve the Egypt room at the Met for tomorrow. I want brunch served for 75. And get Beyoncé to perform.

What do you mean you can’t get Mallomars in July?

I don’t like that ten foot tall hedge. Have it replaced this afternoon with something evergreen.

I don’t like the sign on that hospital you can see from the patio, please call them and have them remove it.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:22 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

I’m sorry, could you come in and change the HVAC filters. Yes, I know you’re at your mother’s birthday.

Can you scrapbook my sweet sixteen birthday party by three this afternoon?
posted by sciencegeek at 2:24 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

Smell my breath
posted by amtho at 2:28 PM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]

Tell my father that I will not go to the ball in my honor unless he disinvites his aunt.
posted by sciencegeek at 2:40 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

The Favourite is full of this sort of thing, running the whole spectrum from "bratty needling that reminds you there's a power differential" to "outright abuse that exploits that power differential," between a lot of different royal, aristocratic, and common characters. It's not the fairy-tale mood it sounds like you might be going for, but it might still have good ideas in it.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:06 PM on June 19, 2020 [3 favorites]

I guess I'm thinking of it in particular because it has a lot of interactions that would be hilarious if they weren't abusive — just total, obvious, outrageous, ridiculous displays of flamboyantly, theatrically bratty not-giving-a-shit about someone else's well-being.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:09 PM on June 19, 2020 [2 favorites]

have her dispose of the contents of your chamber pot, which apparently has precedence
posted by brujita at 3:40 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

Man I’m dirty and y’all so pure. My first thought was something lacking in dignity to the men of the court - get her to embarrass herself by unwittingly wearing something slightly untoward or socially inappropriate (use her to stab at other people I hate), get her to take the fall for my affairs Etc.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:58 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

Can the horrible princess also be at the same time really charismatic and lovable when she wants to be so that her long-suffering maid feels conflicted about hating her?

I also like the idea of horrible princess playing with the feelings of noble prince from the kingdom next door (for whom the maid also harbours secret tender feelings and it's hard for her to see him toyed with).
posted by unicorn chaser at 6:20 PM on June 19, 2020 [1 favorite]

Bridezilla/MOHthra stories seems like it fits that dynamic
posted by fluttering hellfire at 7:06 AM on June 20, 2020 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: y’all are terrible and i love it! each and every answer here is helpful. thank you!

@mochapickle and @fluttering hellfire: these are great and inspired me to look up rock stars’ wildest rider provisions as well!

@botanizer: i’m not too tied to the definition—it seems to shift a bunch based on region/culture; i’m going for somewhere in between straight “servant” and the more traditional “lady in waiting”, just not sure of the right term to use yet.

@unicorn chaser: yes! there’s definitely more to this antagonist than meets the eye, and the protagonist is kind of a little shit in their own right.

thanks everyone, and i’m still happy to take more suggestions!
posted by kyliej at 9:48 AM on June 20, 2020 [1 favorite]

I want to read this book
posted by fluttering hellfire at 12:37 PM on June 20, 2020 [3 favorites]

Maybe watch “The Great” on Hulu for some inspiration? Catherine’s servant/maid is a former member of the court who was demoted due to her father’s actions (lots to mine in that element). But overall, the behavior and demands of Peter could give you ideas.
posted by jenquat at 12:57 PM on June 20, 2020 [2 favorites]