Mompathy: will it change over time?
June 11, 2020 4:28 AM Subscribe
I've always been a fairly empathetic person and feel for people when bad things happen. But ever since having a child, that empathy dial has ratcheted up to about a twelve. Will this tone down or change over time?
I've never been able to watch horror movies or scenes of animals being injured they make me wince. But now, any sort of image of injury or harm--even if not explicit, very fake, and/or in a comedic context--really turns my stomach, and I absolutely cannot bear any sight/sound/news of a child being injured (or worse). Even just a kid crying about being bullied on a TV show, for example, makes me want to cover my eyes and ears. Reading that George Floyd cried "Mama" when he was being murdered has brought me to tears over and over again, and hurts me in a visceral way that I think is different to before I became a mother.
I don't think that being empathetic is a bad thing, but I am so, so sensitive to harm now--especially to children. Did you experience this, and did it change over time? Anything you did to sort of modulate it?
I've never been able to watch horror movies or scenes of animals being injured they make me wince. But now, any sort of image of injury or harm--even if not explicit, very fake, and/or in a comedic context--really turns my stomach, and I absolutely cannot bear any sight/sound/news of a child being injured (or worse). Even just a kid crying about being bullied on a TV show, for example, makes me want to cover my eyes and ears. Reading that George Floyd cried "Mama" when he was being murdered has brought me to tears over and over again, and hurts me in a visceral way that I think is different to before I became a mother.
I don't think that being empathetic is a bad thing, but I am so, so sensitive to harm now--especially to children. Did you experience this, and did it change over time? Anything you did to sort of modulate it?
Mine are 13 and 8, and it’s never gone away but it’s easier to work around now. I definitely avoid true crime shows where kids are hurt, but if it’s “cartoon violence” it’s more ok. I could probably watch Home Alone now, if I wanted to.
I definitely find that if I’m already anxious, this increased sensitivity is a leading indicator, for what it’s worth.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:40 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I definitely find that if I’m already anxious, this increased sensitivity is a leading indicator, for what it’s worth.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 4:40 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Echoing above, it gradually dies down a bit hasn't gone away completely yet (kids currently 8 and 4).
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:46 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 4:46 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
This happened to me, too. I guess it’s less now, now that I think about it (Little e is seven), and that’s oddly discomfiting!
Incidentally, a coworker with a slightly older child told me about his experience of this phenomenon while I was pregnant, and I thought to myself, “well now that just sounds made up.” It absolutely was not.
posted by eirias at 4:51 AM on June 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
Incidentally, a coworker with a slightly older child told me about his experience of this phenomenon while I was pregnant, and I thought to myself, “well now that just sounds made up.” It absolutely was not.
posted by eirias at 4:51 AM on June 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
It stayed forever for me, and now includes grandkids. But I was a very sensitive child to begin with.
posted by mermayd at 6:10 AM on June 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by mermayd at 6:10 AM on June 11, 2020 [3 favorites]
Yes, my emotional sensitivity was very heightened for the first few years of my child's life. It's toned down since then (little one is now 7), but it remains higher than before.
I feel the weight of the world more than I had previously (although this is, of course, compounded by the actual current state of the world). And I tend to avoid heavy movies and violent media as a result.
As for modulating: I've gradually gotten familiar with the new intensities and learned to hold them alongside other more familiar ways of feeling. This doesn't make me less sensitive, but it does enable me to navigate the new inner landscape so that strong feelings don't disrupt everyday life too much (random breaking into tears is much rarer now than it was at first, or at least I think it is!).
For me, over time, there have been good things about this shift too: feeling more strongly has made me a bit more fierce. I'm glad for that part.
posted by marlys at 6:29 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I feel the weight of the world more than I had previously (although this is, of course, compounded by the actual current state of the world). And I tend to avoid heavy movies and violent media as a result.
As for modulating: I've gradually gotten familiar with the new intensities and learned to hold them alongside other more familiar ways of feeling. This doesn't make me less sensitive, but it does enable me to navigate the new inner landscape so that strong feelings don't disrupt everyday life too much (random breaking into tears is much rarer now than it was at first, or at least I think it is!).
For me, over time, there have been good things about this shift too: feeling more strongly has made me a bit more fierce. I'm glad for that part.
posted by marlys at 6:29 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm a stepdad to three kids. They're all over 18 now. This effect is still there. Much like the Floyd story, I was watching "Saving Private Ryan" recently, for the first time since it came out. There's a scene in the opening sequence with a mortally wounded soldier shouts "mama" as well, and good lord did it hit me hard. If even fiction triggers me while my kids are young adults, I'm guessing that this is just how I am now.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:32 AM on June 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 6:32 AM on June 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'm not a parent, but I always remember this answer from an ask in 2016 and read it to new-mom friends when they ask the same. That question isn't similar to yours but the answer rings true. I hope it helps.
posted by kimberussell at 6:42 AM on June 11, 2020
posted by kimberussell at 6:42 AM on June 11, 2020
I have a young child and have experienced this change as well, starting in late pregnancy.
I’ve thought about it, and my conclusion is that after you have gone through the experience of pushing your mind and body to its limits to create and foster new life, you just have a different relationship to seeing other lives threatened or stolen. You know what it costs.
I’m not saying mums are morally superior (and I really resented being told that while I was pregnant). I’m just saying that intense life experiences will naturally change the way you look at things, and this is one of them. I see events in a different way than other people because I plan them professionally - it’s like an amped up version of that.
posted by Concordia at 7:20 AM on June 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
I’ve thought about it, and my conclusion is that after you have gone through the experience of pushing your mind and body to its limits to create and foster new life, you just have a different relationship to seeing other lives threatened or stolen. You know what it costs.
I’m not saying mums are morally superior (and I really resented being told that while I was pregnant). I’m just saying that intense life experiences will naturally change the way you look at things, and this is one of them. I see events in a different way than other people because I plan them professionally - it’s like an amped up version of that.
posted by Concordia at 7:20 AM on June 11, 2020 [2 favorites]
Individual circumstances will affect if it ebbs or ratchets up and the biggest factor is your physiology.
You might lose the intense empathy when you decide that midnight feedings is making your life a living hell.
It might be a blip that lasts only as long as the new baby smell.
You might experience burn out and significant empathy failure.
You might lose the empathy the day your child gets a diagnosis of having special needs and you realise with deep shame and anger that you are not equipped to meet those needs and that your survival needs are opposed to the needs of your child.
You might learn to set boundaries enabling you to over ride empathy when it made you miserable.
You might become agonizingly close and protective to your child if they suffer adverse life experiences that means they require closer and more protective parenting and end up living in a sustained state of empathy where the concept "feeding tube" becomes a permanent occupant of your working memory.
You might find that this empathy is the best thing that every happened to you, is the best high that ever there was, and gives you the sense that you can do something and have something to contribute, that little things matter and this means that the little things you can do are not only worthwhile but critical.
You might find the empathy ebbs the more you ask for help and the less you get.
You might find that it ratchets up when your kids hit later adolescence as for some parents it increases at a time when grand kids may appear. This uptick might hit when you eldest starts puberty, or when your youngest completes post graduate studies.
You might become a habitual parent and problem solver for others and find that habit spreads beyond your own household, so that you are reflexively sympathetic to anyone who signals the need for assistance.
You might find it peaks in response to how much physical contact you have with the kids, highest during the period when there is the most skin to skin contact to raise oxytocin levels, notable dropping when you stop nursing and further when your kids enter a stage where they are less huggy.
You might find that you hate being this empathetic as it makes you more vulnerable and count it, like a saggy pelvic floor and urinary incontinence as one of those wounds that having children gave you, or you might find that this increased empathy is invaluable to you as you go through life and need to answer the question, "What can I do with my life and time and resources that actually matters?"
You might go through multiple variations of these possibilities with different kids and with differing times and circumstances during your on-going development as a person.
There are a number of similar questions about parenting, such as "Will I bond with my kids?" or "Will this turn out to be the best choice I have ever made?" and the answer to those questions will always turn out in retrospect to have been "Maybe," "Probably," "Sort of" and "You have no idea how much more intense this is going to get or what will turn out to be the intense parts."
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:56 AM on June 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
You might lose the intense empathy when you decide that midnight feedings is making your life a living hell.
It might be a blip that lasts only as long as the new baby smell.
You might experience burn out and significant empathy failure.
You might lose the empathy the day your child gets a diagnosis of having special needs and you realise with deep shame and anger that you are not equipped to meet those needs and that your survival needs are opposed to the needs of your child.
You might learn to set boundaries enabling you to over ride empathy when it made you miserable.
You might become agonizingly close and protective to your child if they suffer adverse life experiences that means they require closer and more protective parenting and end up living in a sustained state of empathy where the concept "feeding tube" becomes a permanent occupant of your working memory.
You might find that this empathy is the best thing that every happened to you, is the best high that ever there was, and gives you the sense that you can do something and have something to contribute, that little things matter and this means that the little things you can do are not only worthwhile but critical.
You might find the empathy ebbs the more you ask for help and the less you get.
You might find that it ratchets up when your kids hit later adolescence as for some parents it increases at a time when grand kids may appear. This uptick might hit when you eldest starts puberty, or when your youngest completes post graduate studies.
You might become a habitual parent and problem solver for others and find that habit spreads beyond your own household, so that you are reflexively sympathetic to anyone who signals the need for assistance.
You might find it peaks in response to how much physical contact you have with the kids, highest during the period when there is the most skin to skin contact to raise oxytocin levels, notable dropping when you stop nursing and further when your kids enter a stage where they are less huggy.
You might find that you hate being this empathetic as it makes you more vulnerable and count it, like a saggy pelvic floor and urinary incontinence as one of those wounds that having children gave you, or you might find that this increased empathy is invaluable to you as you go through life and need to answer the question, "What can I do with my life and time and resources that actually matters?"
You might go through multiple variations of these possibilities with different kids and with differing times and circumstances during your on-going development as a person.
There are a number of similar questions about parenting, such as "Will I bond with my kids?" or "Will this turn out to be the best choice I have ever made?" and the answer to those questions will always turn out in retrospect to have been "Maybe," "Probably," "Sort of" and "You have no idea how much more intense this is going to get or what will turn out to be the intense parts."
posted by Jane the Brown at 7:56 AM on June 11, 2020 [5 favorites]
My kids are 17 and almost 14 now and it's gone way down in the last year or 2. I absolutely experienced it when my kids were little.
posted by selfmedicating at 8:07 AM on June 11, 2020
posted by selfmedicating at 8:07 AM on June 11, 2020
I'm sure some of the pregnancy and birth hormones produced by your body exacerbate this. Oxytocin especially.
posted by theora55 at 8:39 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:39 AM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I had to stop watching "The Sopranos" when my first baby was born, because it suddenly was too violent for me. I've never gone back to watching realistically-violent TV shows and my kids are in high school.
> any sort of image of injury or harm--even if not explicit, very fake, and/or in a comedic context-
I'm fine with that now, although I wasn't for years. Dragons, set in outer space, or cartoony and it's okay with me.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:28 AM on June 11, 2020
> any sort of image of injury or harm--even if not explicit, very fake, and/or in a comedic context-
I'm fine with that now, although I wasn't for years. Dragons, set in outer space, or cartoony and it's okay with me.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:28 AM on June 11, 2020
My kids are 13 and 15 and I have found this sensitivity to be permanent. My husband has to screen lots of movies for me first because they can’t have torture of anyone and no serious harm of animals and children. There are a few times I’ve pushed past my discomfort to finish movies (Ray, Syriana) and I kind of wish I hadn’t.
posted by victoriab at 1:21 PM on June 11, 2020
posted by victoriab at 1:21 PM on June 11, 2020
I absolutely experienced this. It was worst when my kids were babies and toddlers, but they are now four and seven and I still have it to a pretty extreme degree.
I've had some confounding factors (some emotionally difficult years, especially last year) but I am pretty sure there is an independent effect of having kids that is separate from those. I just can't see or deal with violence or bad things without imagining my kids as the victims, and that just wrecks me. It's worst when it involves people near their age -- that recent video of the little girl who was maced by the police made me actually feel ill -- but there's a strong generalization to being really bothered by all trauma no matter who it's done to.
I find it interesting because I never had that generalization from things that actually happened to me: for instance, I've been violently mugged but have no problems watching similar muggings. But based on imagining things applying to my children -- yeah, I just can't deal.
posted by Babbling Blatherskite at 3:18 PM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I've had some confounding factors (some emotionally difficult years, especially last year) but I am pretty sure there is an independent effect of having kids that is separate from those. I just can't see or deal with violence or bad things without imagining my kids as the victims, and that just wrecks me. It's worst when it involves people near their age -- that recent video of the little girl who was maced by the police made me actually feel ill -- but there's a strong generalization to being really bothered by all trauma no matter who it's done to.
I find it interesting because I never had that generalization from things that actually happened to me: for instance, I've been violently mugged but have no problems watching similar muggings. But based on imagining things applying to my children -- yeah, I just can't deal.
posted by Babbling Blatherskite at 3:18 PM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
I’m a father, not a mother, and I find my empathy levels are maxed out when I’m dealing with situations where the kid involved is at the same stage as my (currently 9 year old) daughter. But, the window shifts as she gets older. Bad things to kids younger or older don’t affect me, but that’s based on what younger or older is compared to her at that point in time.
posted by sideshow at 10:20 PM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by sideshow at 10:20 PM on June 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
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