Ignoring my direct messages but tagging me privately on social media?

June 6, 2020 12:34 PM

Dear Askmefites, i'd like you to share your opinions (other than asking me to move on which is what my goal is) on what i find a puzzling situation. Basically, I am now in the post-break up for a short-term but intense dating/relationship: instead of replying to my messages, Dude decides to tag me privately on social media with song lyrics of always remembering someone, citing a romantic movie plot about lovelorn lovers to describe how the male protagonist loves the female protagonist. What could this be about? Gentle repeat: i'm not asking for comments along the lines of "move on and stop thinking about it", as i am clear that moving on _is_ my goal; am in the midst of processing the pain and grief and i'd say i'm still in the early stages of moving on. It's just that i also welcome any interpretations of this puzzling behaviour.

Ok please don't scoff but i met what looked like my soulmate a month ago. He messaged me on social media and we started writing to each other what would be the version of letters - two long texts exchanged daily - connecting over our appreciation for the same authors, overlapping passages in the books we love, the same postrock songs not known to many, and far many coincidental experiences and eeriely similar sentiments that i guess only another too-similar soul would share.

After writing to each other daily for a two weeks, we met in person and it went from not only an intense emotional connection but also a physical one. On hindsight, there was a lot of what looks like love-bombing, and fast-forwarding as he often said i was "all unique" in the world to him, and he imagined us living together or being married - just 3 times after we met. He also often asked me if he was just one of many guys i dated (i never shared my dating history with him) as he said he was sure many guys would be attracted to me, and hence he would not be as special to me as he says i am to him, as if to ask for an assurance.

With reference to the terms "love-bombing" and "fast-forwarding" - i do not mean to label him as a narcissist as i haven't gotten to know him long enough to conclude so but i went to do some internet-reading and realised that these are some common moves by a narcissist.

Because of my past dating experience, i was wary but at the same time swept up by the depth of emotional and intellectual connection we had that i haven't experienced with anyone else. However, a couple of red flags showed after we started getting closer with daily normal texting replacing the long letters. One day, he suddenly replied "have a good life" after i said i was going to rest early that night. Obviously that set my alarm bells. He then ignored my frantic messages to ask what was up, to which there were a couple more passive-aggressive messages and i put my foot down and said this isn't going to work out if he's going to be like that so early on. He then agreed and said he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend but it's better to "let me go" for my sake. I took him seriously and decided to cut things off. Long-story short, he apologised and said he was at fault. We were okay again.

A week later, something similar happened which again set off my spidey senses and my aversion to inconsistency and in general, signs of manipulation and control. He wanted to buy me my favorite snacks and send them to my place in person and i I told him i wasn't comfortable with him doing that until things between us progressed to be in the long-term. He seemed ok with it until he started what i felt were again paggro behaviour such as telling me the next day he was feeling gloomy, signalling that my preference to not accept his gestures in the time being was also sparking his insecurities. The frequency of his daily texts - short ones very few hours completely halted the next day. When i reached out, he texted, "i have something i need to talk about but first i wish to know if you will go against all odds for us, or am i just easily replaceable" - i was really uncomfortable reading that as it made me feel like he was making a mountain out of a molehill and he wanted me to "prove" myself so early in the relationship when i had been doing my best to reply him daily between our meetings. I then said that this isn't something that depends on one person in a relationship, and that it takes two to tango, and only time will tell.

The next day, there was no word from him for the entire day (at some point it felt like the silence was jarring and deliberate) and it triggered my fears for flight. Although the whole experience has been so consuming in that meeting him and having what felt like an unparallelled level of soul-connection was such as special thing, i couldn't help but sense that this was something that would ultimately fail or be unneccessarily dramatic in the long run if he could react so passive-aggressively so early into dating.

I decided to write him a long text (as our primary mode of communication other than meeting up) was through text. In it i basically wrote that i don't think i'm able to give him the level of attention/speed of reciprocation that he needs. i mentioned that i wasn't going to reply him even if he does send me a reply as i've decided we should end things. The message was shown as "read" and there was no reply (fair enough of course) for a couple of days. However, i missed him so much and gave in to my feelings, I decided to send another message a few days later as a disclaimer to let him know that if he really had something to reply but felt that he couldn't because i told him i wouldn't reply, i would love to hear his thoughts but would understand if he chooses to hold his peace. Again, there has been zero reply to my text.

4 days has passed. He tagged me on a private post on social media and shared it only with me. In the post, he said that he would miss and love someone no matter what, and quoted song lyrics about remembering someone.

I'm just really puzzled that he chooses to respond by tagging me privately on social media with a song, which is such an indirect way of responding instead of replying me directly.

Just wanted to hear your opinions and guesses on this. No, i am not looking to fix anything or undo the break up. I'd just like to respectfully say that if your reply is going to be "nobody knows the real answer except him so don't bother thinking about it." or "this is the reply that you are looking for"- i have thought about that as well and do agree but i just wanted to hear what the hivemind's interpretations or any thoughts at all on this, or if you or anyone you know have had similar experiences.

Thank you all.

posted by eustaciavye87 to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Sounds like he’s a weenie and a coward.
posted by Grandysaur at 12:40 PM on June 6, 2020 [15 favorites]

He's crazy and he's trying to manipulate you.

I would also suggest that you do some thinking about why building this drama with him was so appealing to you. He was pretty obviously nuts early on, and there was something in there that worked for you. No judgement, I was in an abusive relationship for several years. Part of learning and growing is recognizing how destructive patterns rope you in.
posted by medusa at 12:44 PM on June 6, 2020 [32 favorites]

The saying "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" seems to apply here. I'm glad you're moving on.
posted by nkknkk at 12:45 PM on June 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

This sounds to me like his attempt to keep the drama going, which sounds to me like what he wants/needs/expects out of a relationship. It's supposed to make you feel bad and miss him, and think about how great you too were together, without having to say all that, or take the risk of asking you that in a straightforward manner. He might be hoping you'll be moved to ask him to get back together, at which he would be in the dramatic driver's seat--he could accept your dramatic gesture and enjoy the next honeymoon cycle (with the comfort of knowing you were the one who wanted to get back together), or he could refuse, and enjoy the feeling of knowing that he rebuffed you and you were the one who broke up but then wanted to get back together. Above all, it sounds like he's not interested/capable of being straightforward about his feelings/expectations, and needs/wants/can't help but fill his relationships with bizarre tests to make sure that you still are deeply in love with him enough to hang on your every word and decode every obscure gesture he makes from now until the end of time.

I mean, that's just my impression.
posted by skewed at 12:47 PM on June 6, 2020 [26 favorites]

The other answers have summed it up neatly but I also thought that this part of your story is key:

i was really uncomfortable reading that as it made me feel like he was making a mountain out of a molehill and he wanted me to "prove" myself so early in the relationship when i had been doing my best to reply him daily between our meetings. I then said that this isn't something that depends on one person in a relationship, and that it takes two to tango, and only time will tell.

It sounds to me that this dude is very immature.He's looking for drama and the "idea" of a relationship instead of a real connection with a live human being. When you showed you were not going to play the part he assigned you in his saga, he realized he wasn't going to be able to manipulate you and couldn't handle it. The empty gestures on social media are just a way of keeping some drama alive and making himself feel like he's got some kind of connection to someone.

Tl;dr: time-waster, bullet dodged.
posted by rpfields at 12:52 PM on June 6, 2020 [8 favorites]

I don't know how old either of you are but his behavior screams "teenager" to me which, if he's a teenager that's one thing, but if he's an adult, then wow. Honestly, if you're trying to interpret what's he's doing, I'd just say that he's being immature. I'm glad you're moving on from this.
posted by acidnova at 12:53 PM on June 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

The behavior is purely about manipulation and control, full stop.

Not to freak you out but as an aside, I'm not saying what he's doing right now is stalking, but his overall schtick from the beginning of your interactions has a very pre-stalking vibe. I would not send a single text more and immediately cut off all contact completely, block him everywhere.
posted by Ornate Rocksnail at 12:57 PM on June 6, 2020 [12 favorites]

Some people are simply addicted to drama and intense emotions. And they will go out of their way to create said drama.

Playing the victim so you could fawn over him and massage his ego? That is never okay.

Those messages are his way of stringing you along so his life can be more “complicated” and filled with drama.

I bet his hoping you’ll beg his forgiveness.
posted by Neekee at 12:57 PM on June 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

He also often asked me if he was just one of many guys i dated (i never shared my dating history with him) as he said he was sure many guys would be attracted to me, and hence he would not be as special to me as he says i am to him, as if to ask for an assurance.

Oh, and one more thing to add. Based on this vibe, I would be very excited about the opportunity to bet my entire life savings, including money for this month's rent, utilities and medical insurance on the existence of an ex-girlfriend who has now moved on with her life and with whom he is still in love with.
posted by skewed at 1:15 PM on June 6, 2020 [11 favorites]

tagging me privately on social media with a song, which is such an indirect way of responding instead of replying me direct

He's not interested in giving you an opportunity to speak or even in addressing your feelings or questions. He does not want to listen to you; he does not care what you want. He just wants to make his gestures. It's a kind of performance (drama, as others have said); and like all drama it requires an audience (you.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 1:17 PM on June 6, 2020 [23 favorites]

If you want to know why he reached out to you in this way, consider why and how you acted inconsistently when you told him you wanted to end things and would not reply to anything he said, but then you broke down and messaged him when he simply did as you asked.

You both are very drawn to eachother because you both have a very similar communication style. You are both being very inconsistent and speaking to one another (and yourselves) in coded messages.

Many years ago, I behaved this way in a relationship. I said I wanted to end things, but I did not. I wanted to keep the relationship but I wanted the person I was in a relationship with to change their behavior. Instead of asking for It like an adult, I drew a line, ended the relationship, and then waited for the romantic comedy moment where he stood outside of my window with a sign that said "I was wrong!!!"

I was being manipulative. And he responded in kind, sending me weird signals on social media and such.

This relationship sounds unhealthy and codependent and also very not done to me. If you really want this cycle to end you have to stop thinking of yourself as the good one who sometimes makes mistakes and him as the bad one who sometimes does good.

You are both humans who are manipulating one another. You can stop at any time.
posted by pazazygeek at 1:24 PM on June 6, 2020 [19 favorites]

I'm someone who has suffered from agitated depression at several points in my life and during those times (and also a couple of times when I managed to avoid it, but was in the zone, as it were) I have experienced and displayed what your ex shows: abandoment panic, uncertainty, overwhelming emotions and lack of control, a preference, at times, for oblique communication of intimate stuff via media allusions.

I congratulate you on managing to tear yourself away from this entanglement, I know it's tough when you feel like someone is your soul mate. i wish we lived in a culture that recognized that someone CAN be your soul mate for a week, no more, and that subsequent events don't take away from your experience, however fleeting. But I would block him, so you cannot see his comms any more, otherwise an indirect dialogue might continue which won't help you heal (and won't help him, either).

Shame on you Metafilter, for bringing out the judgement and contempt for someone who may have a mental illness for all you know. BTW, I can see myself at various times in my life in the OP's description, and I am a 45-year-old woman.
posted by doggod at 1:24 PM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

gross. he's being weird. just block it all.
posted by megan_magnolia at 2:07 PM on June 6, 2020 [4 favorites]

he's behaving the same way he has since you "met" him. he has a set of weird rules for romantic interactions that boil down to doing things his own incomprehensible way. you aren't supposed to understand it, that's not why he's doing it. it's performance, not communication, and the audience is himself. this is fun for him, who knows why. but also, who cares.

do you happen to remember how many of those so-unique books & songs that you two just happened to share a passion for were things that he listed on his profile or was the first one to bring up? he wasn't, just for instance, agreeing that everything you said you liked was great? because it's easy to look up someone else's favorites & become a quick expert on them. real easy.

try not to be impressed by this kind of thing. it's hard, I know, and I'm serious. if you fall in love with someone worthwhile, you can always get him to read your favorite book and talk to you about it then.

--also, just don't do this (what's quoted below). it isn't cool and it's the same kind of thing he's doing now:

.i mentioned that i wasn't going to reply him even if he does send me a reply as i've decided we should end things. The message was shown as "read" and there was no reply (fair enough of course) for a couple of days. However, i missed him so much and gave in to my feelings, I decided to send another message a few days later as a disclaimer to let him know that if he really had something to reply but felt that he couldn't because i told him i wouldn't reply, i would love to hear his thoughts but would understand if he chooses to hold his peace.

from your end I'm sure it didn't feel like jerking him around and playing games. maybe what he's doing doesn't feel like that from his end, either. but you can see the similarity from the outside.
posted by queenofbithynia at 3:02 PM on June 6, 2020 [9 favorites]

He’s manufacturing drama, just like you are. You can’t control him, so if you want this to stop you need to start controlling yourself.
posted by a box and a stick and a string and a bear at 4:47 PM on June 6, 2020 [6 favorites]

He's in the Nowhere Country between your obviously diminished attention on him and not having a new person to love-bomb yet. Once he finds a new target whose real attention outweighs the fumes of your attention, he will ignore you completely.
posted by cocoagirl at 6:36 PM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

Throughout your recap of the relationship, he is pretty consistently manipulative and passive-aggressive. Now after you dumped him, he is continuing to be manipulative and passive-aggressive.

Looking for why someone you broke up with acts strangely is what Chump Lady calls untangling the skein of fuckupedness. It's a coping mechanism to focus your attention all on him rather than sitting with yourself and feeling your feelings.

It doesn't matter why he is doing these things. What really matters is how they make you feel (annoyed, guilty, unnerved, manipulated, involved in something you are trying to leave behind?) and how you are going to take care of yourself and your feelings from this point on.
posted by See you tomorrow, saguaro at 6:38 PM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

I'd say this person has strong feelings for you that for whatever reason he can't, won't or doesn't know how to directly communicate or act upon. He got just as caught up in chemistry/romance as you. It happens. It's fun. It's real. Sometimes it leaves room for the real people living underneath those feelings. Sometimes it doesn't. I suspect you're both running on the fumes of the idea of each other. Again. It happens. That's how most love stories start.

The Big However: He's not dealing in any way that resembles average human adult. Hence the creepy, manipulative and controlling vibe. Do pay attention to that. Do not get caught up in fixing it, analyzing it or maneuvering it. You know everything you need to know to grieve, mourn this loss, be sad ... and move on. Take care.
posted by space_cookie at 8:16 PM on June 6, 2020 [2 favorites]

fingersandtoes nailed it! He's looking for attention from you. He's saying, "Look at me! Look at me!" That's entirely all there is to it.

He has no interest in listening to you, responding to you, respecting your feelings, treating you like a person, or even recognizing that you exist outside of being a set of eyes which can be commanded to look at him whenever needs attention.
posted by MiraK at 9:40 PM on June 6, 2020 [5 favorites]

Something happened that damaged this guy’s ability to participate in intimacy with another person. He craves it as we all do, but he can’t allow himself to be vulnerable to you. It’s nothing to do with you, though, and it’s all unconscious for him. Perhaps because of a trauma he received at a young age, his emotional development stopped at some point in childhood, and he risks disintegration if he opens himself up in an authentic way. That’s what’s required in an adult relationship, but he can’t do that—so he’s a massively insecure power tripper instead.

He’s emotionally unavailable because he’s bleeding from his psychic wound, whatever it is, and you can’t possibly fix this for him. Wounded people have to attend to themselves constantly and exclusively, in order to keep from falling apart. That’s why there’s mothing left over for anyone else. It’s sad, but you can’t change it. Maybe he’ll get therapy someday, but it won’t be soon enough for you.

You did the right thing by calling it off. Stop communicating immediately and block him so you don’t have to deal with what he’s doing now. You will find someone who can be real with you. Keep listening to your intincts, and good luck!
posted by cartoonella at 11:47 PM on June 6, 2020 [3 favorites]

So I have had a few dating experiences that might be relevant. First, in general I’ve learned to limit extensive messaging before meeting up and ascertaining chemistry in person. I’ve made the mistake of having way too high expectations after a lot of messaging before meeting. This kind of communication can create a false sense of intimacy and false expectations. You can’t really know someone well via writing when you haven’t met in person.

Next, I dated a guy for a few weeks a few years ago. I saw a few red flags and was trying to puzzle through a few things and understand it. I was trying to understand him. I met with my therapist one day and told her about some of these red flags and she was pretty horrified. She basically explained that I didn’t have to understand him or his reasons for behaving that way or know why. I think I had some idea that if I could understand his behavior, then I’d really know if it was right to break up. But I didn’t need to know why he was displaying red flags in order to see them and act on them.

Finally, I’ve found one of the hardest relationships to get over to be one that was short and intense, that I thought was going to be something long term and real. It took me a long time to get past my hope and to move on even though I ended it.

My best advice for getting past something like this: disconnect on social media and via text. Delete his number if you need to for self-control. More information will only make it harder because you’re never really going to get satisfying answers to these questions. You’re already showing that your boundaries are poor.

It sounds like you started messaging a month ago and only met in person about two weeks ago. That’s so much drama for such a young relationship.

It could be that this guy has an anxious attachment style and drums up drama because of it. Read up on that and see if it resonates. But don’t contact him. It’s time to let go and move on.
posted by bluedaisy at 1:29 AM on June 7, 2020 [7 favorites]

Drama llama continues to drama llama.
posted by like_neon at 2:02 AM on June 7, 2020

This guy's got more issues than National Geographic, that's what's going on. He's not able to communicate in a healthy why, which is why he's making these social media posts. He's trying to send you a message and get you to reach out to him again. Don't fall for this manipulation. I would block everywhere.

I've seen people mention on ask mefi this "soul mate" connection with others. They said that they've learned to be wary of this feeling of off the charts chemistry right off the bat - it usually means trouble. I think your post is a good illustration of this phenomenon. Why does it happen? My guess is that we all have issues, so we're drawn to other people who have issues that are somehow complementary to ours, and not in a good way. I guess we have these experiences so we can learn something from them. What that is will be different for everyone.
posted by foxjacket at 12:23 PM on June 7, 2020 [2 favorites]

Boundary pushing, he's "respecting your wishes" by not contacting you "directly". Ignore the posts, but pay attention to the red flag they are sending.
posted by yohko at 1:26 PM on June 8, 2020