How do I know if my toddler’s sensory-seeking behaviour is a problem?
May 26, 2020 7:01 PM Subscribe
I’m noticing some things about my three-year-old during this quarantime. How do I know if these things are a problem?
Brief history: he’s the only child and I’m the only parent, so when we have been home during this time, we have had a lot of time together. He’s normally in daycare. He seems to have had a normal experience there. He is liked by the teachers and hasn’t had any huge issues. There was a brief biting stage but he seems past that now. They have expressed to me before that he is seldom the instigator in misbehaviours, but if others are up to monkey business, he will monkey. They moved him to a different class in November because there was another boy who got him really riled up. At home, he is a rules follower who is, for the most part, compliant and obedient. He willingly picks up his toys. He’s a good kid.
What concerns me: I googled a few behaviours I’ve seen and the label ‘sensory seeking’ came up:
- He likes to chew things. He did not stop putting toys in his mouth for a long time. He doesn’t mouth random things anymore but he has a few ‘chewy toys.’ I will offer these when he starts getting hyper, and he will sometimes ask for one. He is very rough on straw water bottles. I only buy thermos ones now because you can buy replacement straws and not have to throw away the bottle. He doesn’t bite people as a rule, but occasionally is he gets overexcited while he’s having a cuddle and is close to me, he’ll nip a little.
- He loves physical contact. He will often climb on me if he can reach. He will grab me from behind and pull my arms around himself for a hug. He loves being tickled. I hate being tickled, and some of his jumps onto my body have ended with him in tears when he hits a ticklish spot, won’t stop, and I have to pry him off me and straight into a time out.
- He likes crashing into stuff. I have tried to humour this and show him how to do it without hurting himself of breaking stuff. He’ll drag couch pillows onto the floor and jump onto them with a hearty ‘boom crash!’ sound effect. Or he’ll ram his ride on toy into the couch (I have asked him not to do this into a wall).
I’ve done enough google reading to know the buzzwords here but it wasn’t enough to tell me if this is a problem. He feels, to me, like a pretty well behaved kid who sometimes gets carried away a little, and when he does, I offer the chewy toy or direct him to active play. But I see that when he’s around other kids, he’s definitely more high energy. So I wonder if this is just the quieter environment at home with just the two of us means he is just trying to find outlets to release that energy, or if what I’m seeing is the early signs of something which could be a problem?
Brief history: he’s the only child and I’m the only parent, so when we have been home during this time, we have had a lot of time together. He’s normally in daycare. He seems to have had a normal experience there. He is liked by the teachers and hasn’t had any huge issues. There was a brief biting stage but he seems past that now. They have expressed to me before that he is seldom the instigator in misbehaviours, but if others are up to monkey business, he will monkey. They moved him to a different class in November because there was another boy who got him really riled up. At home, he is a rules follower who is, for the most part, compliant and obedient. He willingly picks up his toys. He’s a good kid.
What concerns me: I googled a few behaviours I’ve seen and the label ‘sensory seeking’ came up:
- He likes to chew things. He did not stop putting toys in his mouth for a long time. He doesn’t mouth random things anymore but he has a few ‘chewy toys.’ I will offer these when he starts getting hyper, and he will sometimes ask for one. He is very rough on straw water bottles. I only buy thermos ones now because you can buy replacement straws and not have to throw away the bottle. He doesn’t bite people as a rule, but occasionally is he gets overexcited while he’s having a cuddle and is close to me, he’ll nip a little.
- He loves physical contact. He will often climb on me if he can reach. He will grab me from behind and pull my arms around himself for a hug. He loves being tickled. I hate being tickled, and some of his jumps onto my body have ended with him in tears when he hits a ticklish spot, won’t stop, and I have to pry him off me and straight into a time out.
- He likes crashing into stuff. I have tried to humour this and show him how to do it without hurting himself of breaking stuff. He’ll drag couch pillows onto the floor and jump onto them with a hearty ‘boom crash!’ sound effect. Or he’ll ram his ride on toy into the couch (I have asked him not to do this into a wall).
I’ve done enough google reading to know the buzzwords here but it wasn’t enough to tell me if this is a problem. He feels, to me, like a pretty well behaved kid who sometimes gets carried away a little, and when he does, I offer the chewy toy or direct him to active play. But I see that when he’s around other kids, he’s definitely more high energy. So I wonder if this is just the quieter environment at home with just the two of us means he is just trying to find outlets to release that energy, or if what I’m seeing is the early signs of something which could be a problem?
Yep. That’s a three year old. No need to worry.
Technically, being a toddler is all about “seeking” sensations. Life is still new to them, and they’re all about experiencing, well, anything and everything.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:24 PM on May 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Technically, being a toddler is all about “seeking” sensations. Life is still new to them, and they’re all about experiencing, well, anything and everything.
posted by Thorzdad at 7:24 PM on May 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
I recognize a lot of myself in your kid, and also a lot of my youngest. Nothing in your descriptions raises alarm bells, although you might brace yourself for the experience of raising a thrill-seeker. There could well be some age appropriate discussions to be had about risk (and that many if not most people around him are probably more risk averse than he may feel), but all in due time.
I don't mention this documentary to make you panic, but watching "Free Solo" was an eye-opener. My youngest is so willing to throw himself into situations that make my hair stand on end that I always wondered what was at the root of it. By and large he learned to assess and manage those risks with lots of practice and repetition, with plenty of gentle scolding from me about helmets and knee pads (he's a professional skateboarder now at 19). In this documentary you meet Alex Honnold, who is capable of a very extreme version of these calculated risks, and the illuminating part for me was the discussion about just how genetic and baked-in these traits can be. It can be a startling experience for friends and loved ones, but recognizing the immutability of your kid's nature is a beautiful part of the process. You'll be helping him understand that his parent might not be thrilled by the same things that thrill him, I think, rather than trying to coax the thrill-seeker out of him.
And just a quick note to say, dang, I'm envious of you getting to parent through those years. Three-four-five were some of the coolest years to experience.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:25 PM on May 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
I don't mention this documentary to make you panic, but watching "Free Solo" was an eye-opener. My youngest is so willing to throw himself into situations that make my hair stand on end that I always wondered what was at the root of it. By and large he learned to assess and manage those risks with lots of practice and repetition, with plenty of gentle scolding from me about helmets and knee pads (he's a professional skateboarder now at 19). In this documentary you meet Alex Honnold, who is capable of a very extreme version of these calculated risks, and the illuminating part for me was the discussion about just how genetic and baked-in these traits can be. It can be a startling experience for friends and loved ones, but recognizing the immutability of your kid's nature is a beautiful part of the process. You'll be helping him understand that his parent might not be thrilled by the same things that thrill him, I think, rather than trying to coax the thrill-seeker out of him.
And just a quick note to say, dang, I'm envious of you getting to parent through those years. Three-four-five were some of the coolest years to experience.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 7:25 PM on May 26, 2020 [5 favorites]
Sounds like a regular 3yo to me.
My boy was like that -- especially the jumpy-ness. I put him in a kids' jump-around type class (in my area some of the brands are My Gym and Gymboree) just before he was 2 and kept him in it until he was about 5, when we switched to gymnastics. He just **loves** throwing his body around. He's 17 now, and switched out of gymnastics into parkour when he was about 10, because high-level gymnastics either becomes super, super serious or else there's nothing, at least for boys. In short, there are safe and fun ways to encourage that crashing and jumping.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:34 PM on May 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
My boy was like that -- especially the jumpy-ness. I put him in a kids' jump-around type class (in my area some of the brands are My Gym and Gymboree) just before he was 2 and kept him in it until he was about 5, when we switched to gymnastics. He just **loves** throwing his body around. He's 17 now, and switched out of gymnastics into parkour when he was about 10, because high-level gymnastics either becomes super, super serious or else there's nothing, at least for boys. In short, there are safe and fun ways to encourage that crashing and jumping.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:34 PM on May 26, 2020 [3 favorites]
It raises a problem when he starts having sensory meltdowns and/or it starts to interfere with his function.
Are his fine motor skills okay? Is he not having violent meltdowns?
He definitely sounds like a seeker but everyone falls somewhere on the seeker/avoider spectrum and it doesn't become pathological until it starts causing significant problems with their daily function.
posted by Amy93 at 7:58 PM on May 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
Are his fine motor skills okay? Is he not having violent meltdowns?
He definitely sounds like a seeker but everyone falls somewhere on the seeker/avoider spectrum and it doesn't become pathological until it starts causing significant problems with their daily function.
posted by Amy93 at 7:58 PM on May 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
Best answer: On the chewing - my 3yr old seems to go through phases with this (and with tooth grinding). We’re in a phase of it right now, actually. He also sometimes bites me a bit when he gets overexcited during rough-housing. But I’m pretty tuned into the cues of when he’s heading in that direction by now and I can usually redirect him. So, I think that sounds within the range of normal as well.
posted by ewok_academy at 7:59 PM on May 26, 2020
posted by ewok_academy at 7:59 PM on May 26, 2020
Sounds normal to me, too. We used to get our son together with a couple other 3yo boys and learned that both families we hang out with had found a way to accommodate jumping on the furniture. We bought a trampoline and one of those yoga balls for indoors. You can brace the ball in a corner with your knees and then have him stand on the ball, hold your hands and jump up and down.
posted by slidell at 8:14 PM on May 26, 2020
posted by slidell at 8:14 PM on May 26, 2020
Best answer: I have kids with sensory processing issues, and the behaviors you describe they also do. Sensory seeking is a spectrum, and the question is where on the spectrum your son is and whether it's making it hard for him to cope. So what's normal is a matter of degree, not a simple yes/no.
I'd suggest getting an occupational therapy evaluation. That will give you a lot more information on where he is at developmentally and where he is on the sensory spectrum.
posted by medusa at 8:45 PM on May 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'd suggest getting an occupational therapy evaluation. That will give you a lot more information on where he is at developmentally and where he is on the sensory spectrum.
posted by medusa at 8:45 PM on May 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
As a parent, I think it's super natural to ask the question, "Is X a problem?" all the time, in relation to a bunch of stuff. It's just how we are programmed.
The beauty of it is, though, the answer is in the question. Is X a problem? If it's not (and, I think very clearly in this case, it's not. It's not causing you or your child any issues beyond what a person could expect a 3 year old to cause), then it doesn't matter.
If it's a personality thing, a gene thing, a condition with a name etc, is all immaterial if it's not a problem (and, you know, often when it is a problem too if I'm being completely honest).
I know we've all seen some crazy deluded parents when it comes to their kids' behaviour, but back yourself. You'll know when X is a problem. People will tell you, you'll see the impacts.
posted by smoke at 9:10 PM on May 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
The beauty of it is, though, the answer is in the question. Is X a problem? If it's not (and, I think very clearly in this case, it's not. It's not causing you or your child any issues beyond what a person could expect a 3 year old to cause), then it doesn't matter.
If it's a personality thing, a gene thing, a condition with a name etc, is all immaterial if it's not a problem (and, you know, often when it is a problem too if I'm being completely honest).
I know we've all seen some crazy deluded parents when it comes to their kids' behaviour, but back yourself. You'll know when X is a problem. People will tell you, you'll see the impacts.
posted by smoke at 9:10 PM on May 26, 2020 [8 favorites]
Anecdotes: our 8 year old still chews straws and his toothbrush (despite years of gentle reminders to not), where his younger brother doesn't, but the 5 year old is definitely inclined to run into things. Both are huggy boys. They're bright and well adjusted little guys. They both get rough-and-tumble when they're a bit tired, or bored. Sounds like you have it all in one kiddo :)
posted by filthy light thief at 10:39 PM on May 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by filthy light thief at 10:39 PM on May 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
Mommy of two sensory boys aged 4 and 5... they also do a lot of the things you describe. But so do a lot of kids.
So in the beginning of my journey when I was trying to figure things out I asked the kids OT WHY are sensory issues a problem and basically this is what she said:
Sensory behavior is ONLY a problem if it is disrupting his learning and motor planning OR if it causes him distress (which disrupts motor planning)... if it’s not disrupting those things then it’s not really a problem.
For my two sensory issues are impacting on motor planning development and cause distress. My youngest has a tactile defensiveness that causes extreme distress. He would scream at other people because he was afraid of being touched- that impacted on his speech development because he was more worried about being touched and screaming was how he communicated that. Clothing- big problem. Hair washing and hygiene- big problem.
Movement seeking and crashing causes a problem with my older boy in daycare because he was rocking in his chair so much after a stressful day that he knocked other kids... balance was a problem so he bumped into people. He couldn’t concentrate on the activities in daycare.
Kids learn to cope and therapy is awesome but I wouldn’t worry about it beyond monitoring or trying to provide opportunities for your kiddo to bounce and crash. If you want to know how to do this with a bosu ball and some pillows feel free to pm me :-)
But dont worry too much!
posted by pairofshades at 10:41 PM on May 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
So in the beginning of my journey when I was trying to figure things out I asked the kids OT WHY are sensory issues a problem and basically this is what she said:
Sensory behavior is ONLY a problem if it is disrupting his learning and motor planning OR if it causes him distress (which disrupts motor planning)... if it’s not disrupting those things then it’s not really a problem.
For my two sensory issues are impacting on motor planning development and cause distress. My youngest has a tactile defensiveness that causes extreme distress. He would scream at other people because he was afraid of being touched- that impacted on his speech development because he was more worried about being touched and screaming was how he communicated that. Clothing- big problem. Hair washing and hygiene- big problem.
Movement seeking and crashing causes a problem with my older boy in daycare because he was rocking in his chair so much after a stressful day that he knocked other kids... balance was a problem so he bumped into people. He couldn’t concentrate on the activities in daycare.
Kids learn to cope and therapy is awesome but I wouldn’t worry about it beyond monitoring or trying to provide opportunities for your kiddo to bounce and crash. If you want to know how to do this with a bosu ball and some pillows feel free to pm me :-)
But dont worry too much!
posted by pairofshades at 10:41 PM on May 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
My three year old does all of those things, but for me they are a sign that it is time to go outside and burn off some energy on a long bike ride (or football game or whatever). I know exactly what you mean with the climbing and crashing into things, and you are right it is not “normal” play but a sign of pent up energy/frustration/boredom. In my experience more outdoor play fixes it.
posted by tinkletown at 12:16 AM on May 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by tinkletown at 12:16 AM on May 27, 2020 [3 favorites]
Think about all the people you know who chew pencils or their nails but are perfectly functional. Chewing is a pretty normal human behavior.
posted by emjaybee at 6:38 PM on May 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by emjaybee at 6:38 PM on May 27, 2020 [1 favorite]
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