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May 25, 2020 9:20 AM

Online dating just sucks. I hate it. I'm trying to understand all my weird identities and I never know how much info to put in a profile. What are some ways you've found to date when normal dating isn't working?

On the surface it would seem like online dating would be so great to help people who are just very weird in their dating needs to meet each other. I'm finding that it is just SO HARD. I really want to meet people in person, but since my dating needs are so specific and I already having hardships with doing anything in person (disability/low income/lack childcare) it seems online dating could help. I've been singe for 12 years though I dated one person for 4 months fairly recently somewhere in there.

I'm a huge romantic but I've been through a lot of trauma. I'm kinky but I've never explored that with a partner. I've been through a lot of therapy but I haven't been in a relationship to explore that side of things if it makes sense. To be honest I don't know about exploring sex with a partner. I can't have sex like a normal person as I just lie there and I mostly want to have submissive sex. However I tried some kink websites and I'm totally overwhelmed with all the porn and dick picks everywhere. I don't like porn at all. I don't want to have sex right away but I want to meet people that I can talk to about sexual weirdness pretty early on. last time I didn't talk to the guy about it until later and I think it was a mistake.

I feel like I just want to meet people and flirt with them, but I find myself not liking typing to people on dating apps at all. Has anyone ever used like online dating events to meet people? And if you're kinky but super vanilla about being kinky, are there any kink dating websites that are a little less in your face about porn and constant doms telling you they will be your new master? I feel like I'm not sure there are people I can relate to on the kink websites since I'm really just looking for a normal relationship with occasional play in the bedroom, not like 24/7 being told what to do by someone.
So far I have gotten so many messages of people (ok guys) telling me I need to practice beings a sub, I need to give blowjobs, I need to obey male authority. Like it's almost traumatic just trying to date! I feel like if you mention an interest in submission it's like men think you have agreed to verbal sexual coercion and domination when you haven't even met. Why is it so horrible?

So confused about it!
How soon do you tell people you struggle with having normal sex when meeting new dates?
Are there any websites for people on the asexual spectrum that are free? So far the two I found acted free and then were not really.
Are there any kink websites that have less porn and casual sex focus?
Are there any websites that let you meet singles in online chat, has anyone ever used them and how weird is it?
I'm terrified of kink events, are there ways to meet kinky people that don't involve sex parties?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (6 answers total)

However I tried some kink websites and I'm totally overwhelmed with all the porn and dick picks everywhere.

One of the best pieces of dating advice I've gotten is "Fetlife is not Sex Tinder, it is Sex Facebook." There are kind, thoughtful people with social skills on it, but they're often kind of quiet and they're almost never using the site to pick people up.

If you've been to some IRL kink events, made some friends, and want to keep up with them, Fetlife is great for that. If you want to join a practical discussion group around some topic like "Where to buy high-quality rope," Fetlife is great for that. If you're looking for dates or hookups, look elsewhere — to IRL events if you can manage those, or to ostensibly-vanilla dating sites, where there are in fact plenty of kinky people too.

(For all its flaws, Fetlife is still way, way less shitty and sex-obsessed than other kink sites I've been on. It's an incredibly low bar, but still.)

I'm terrified of kink events, are there ways to meet kinky people that don't involve sex parties?

I know you said you're not up for much IRL activity, but if you're open to an occasional IRL event, the word you want is "munch." Munches are public, clothes-on, everyone-act-normal discussion groups that meet in public places, usually for a meal. Sometimes you eat dinner and talk about kink. Sometimes you eat dinner and talk about Star Trek. They range from nice and inviting to super awkward, but in my experience they're mostly good about enforcing bare-minimum norms like "Don't aggressively pursue people" and "Don't act like 'I'm a sub' means 'I'm submitting to you'."

Most kinky people I know attended munches until they met other kinky people they could date or make platonic friends with, and then bailed out of the munch and just hung out with those partners and friends. So don't worry that you'll be spending every Tuesday and every Third Thursday in the back room of the IHOP until the end of time. It's just a thing you might decide to do for a little while, until you get to know people.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:47 AM on May 25, 2020 [7 favorites]

“Munch” is a word for a gathering of kinky people that doesn’t involve sex/kink play — usually a casual get-together at a restaurant/café/bar. (Obviously not right now, but you know, in normal times.) It can be a good way to dip your toe into meeting kinky people, keep an eye out for that word in whatever event listings you’re looking at (Fetlife is one place to look).
posted by mekily at 9:50 AM on May 25, 2020

As someone who’s looking for an LTR, I would never ever mention my kinks or sexual preferences on a typical dating website, as a woman who dates men, because then I’ll receive a steady stream of sex-only messages and stuff from people with extreme kinks. That’s an invitation to instant and complete objectification on mainstream websites, and guarantees messages exclusively from dudes who want a casual sex hookup and nothing more. It doesn’t make sense, but that’s been my experience time and time again.

Sex compatibility Is something I bring up only after I establish there’s a connection and non-sexual interest. I don’t mean to be dismissive of your issues or traumas or anxieties in any way, but to me, your sexual needs (that you want to be fully submissive) don’t seem “out there“ enough for a woman that you would need to warn people in advance of a few coffee dates to establish compatibility. I could be very wrong, though. Just a gut feeling that many guys would be fine with that.

If you don’t think it’s ethical to coffee date someone without letting them know what you need sexually, I think you should at least keep it off your profile and in messages after you’ve matched
posted by shaademaan at 10:22 AM on May 25, 2020 [8 favorites]

Agreed that Fetlife is marginally better than some other sites, and is mainly useful for finding the local munches/discussion groups (and by 'local', I mean 'less than two hours' drive', depending on where you live). However, it also has discussion groups for non-kink subjects (ie, "Kinky & Geeky" for gamers and nerds) - perhaps you might make some contacts in one of those?
posted by Mogur at 10:59 AM on May 25, 2020 [2 favorites]

you have a genuine sexual identity that is not reducible to a string of buzzwords and if you try to so reduce it, the Bad Element will be attracted. if you are looking for a certain amount of chivalry, consideration, and regular kindly protectiveness along with whatever else, which is extremely normal to want if not equally normal to get, sex website guys are not going to understand that from "submissive." they are going to choose to understand the opposite, and they are not going to necessarily ask first or apologize after. this is a real shame and a willful misapprehension on their part, but it is the case.

sex aside, I understand the desire to pre-emptively weed out those who can't deal with trauma. but there is only one kind of dating-site guy who actively goes looking for people with trauma advertised right up front. it is not a good kind of guy.

you should mention children and scheduling limitations up front, but you do not have to explain any gradations of your attraction patterns or unusual things about your sexuality to someone until you have decided you might like to sleep with them if they're willing. Even if that happens early on for you, which is fine, it's not before you meet them.
posted by queenofbithynia at 1:40 PM on May 25, 2020 [3 favorites]

Are you only attracted to cis men? Or are you into women/trans/non-binary ppl as well? If the latter, I feel like the Lex dating app would be right up your alley (if you are also not a cis guy). I think you can use it to make friends as well too. I haven't tried it myself, but I follow their Insta.
posted by foxjacket at 3:21 PM on May 26, 2020