Help me get over my secret shame

March 2, 2020 9:11 AM

NB: Please be kind in your answers; I already feel huge shame about this, and it’s taking me a great deal of courage to ask this, even anonymously. I’m an adult in my 30s, and I still pick my nose and eat what comes out (when I’m in private). For health reasons, I want to stop this gross habit (even without considering nose contents, it is a disease vector to put my fingers in my nose and mouth on a regular basis). Have you successfully stopped this or a similar habit in adulthood? How did you do it?

I have brought this up with therapists before and unfortunately got more shaming rather than strategies for change; even therapists are really grossed out by this.

I do basic things to appropriately and hygienically clear my nose (blowing it in the shower; keeping tissues available), but noses have stuff in them often, and the satisfaction/comfort I get from this habit make it hard to stop.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (33 answers total)

Manicures. Specifically, the powdered build up kind (clear coat, dip in powder, repeat).

Makes your nails pretty, sure (there are also skin tone shades) but thicker and less comfortable for that activity. Helps with nail biting too.
posted by tilde at 9:16 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

Do you want to get over your shame (your title) or stop doing it (the question you ask)?

Bodies are hella weird, and people are fucking gross in ways that may test even the breadth of the expansive wasteland of the internet. You say youre not doing this in public so it isnt about disrupting your routine or relationships with people. If this is purely about your concerns about the health risks posed, wouldnt they be largely minimized by washing your hands well both before and after? IANAD but id think that unless you are in really unusually concerning environments this isnt a major health risk.

I guess what im saying is that in a world where Dr fucking Pimplepopper and My Feet are Killing Me are majorly popular forms of mass entertainment, maybe just assume everyone else is into weird gross private stuff too.

I apologize is this comes off as cold or dispassionate, but i hope it might help to hear one internet stranger say that i dont think this is that gross, and definitely dont think you are super gross for doing it, and what the fuck were those therapists even on.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 9:24 AM on March 2, 2020 [47 favorites]

As an interim harm-reduction measure:

wash your hands very thoroughly with soap and running water, then stand in front of a mirror, and use cotton buds [also called cotton swabs] to clean out any bits of snot that are uncomfortable or unsightly.

Throw the cotton buds in the rubbish bin immediately, DO NOT EAT WHAT IS ON THEM.

Wash your hands very thoroughly again.
posted by Murderbot at 9:26 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

OK, so...

I don't think that this is as gross as you think. Picking your nose is an almost universal habit, even among adults. Wikipedia says that 91% of adults admitted to picking their nose in a survey. They don't say anything about how many adults eat their boogers, but that's also common enough that some researchers theorize that there's some benefit to the immune system.

I find it appalling that your therapists would shame you for this. A therapist should be educated enough to know that this is pretty common behavior. And also how to not shame their clients, ffs.

That said, touching your nose and your mouth a lot can be a way to get sick, especially if your hands aren't clean.

I don't think that trying to get rid of a near-universal, instinctual physical habit is all that reasonable. It's like ... trying to never scratch an itch. Some people will scratch a pathological amount or will have a health issue that makes scratching more dangerous, and for those people, trying not to scratch makes sense. But for most people occasionally scratching an itch is completely normal and nothing to fret over. I think the real problem here is your shame.

If I were you, I'd just work on making sure that I only pick my nose at home with clean hands, and maybe stop trying to eat the boogers. Eating the boogers is the most stigmatized part of the behavior and is probably causing you the most shame. But you sound pretty normal to me.

And I'd get a different therapist.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 9:26 AM on March 2, 2020 [30 favorites]

i still do this, and it's either because my nose is always, always congested, which i just started tackling, or a stim, which i didn't consider till someone else said they did it to stim the other day, or a combination. in my case, the tackling the congestion or finding a replacement stim will hopefully help me stop doing it compulsively. on preview, yeah, i don't prioritize stopping it completely, cause i think it's pretty normal and harmless with hand washing
posted by gaybobbie at 9:29 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

I honestly don’t think this is that gross and it’s a lot more widespread than you think. (Whatever therapist shamed you about this is a jerk and weird!).

I definitely don’t think quitting this is so beyond the norm that it’s different than quitting any bad habit. It took me a long time to “quit” biting my nails (and I definitely still backslide sometimes). What worked for me was realizing (a) I used this behavior to cope with anxiety or as a vent for stress, so trying to work on that in other ways, and (b) a lot of the nail biting was opportunistic, in the sense that if my nails had been nicely shaped to begin with, they wouldn’t have been as tempting a target. The key to that part was to do regular maintenance. Converting that to your nose, I would think you should watch out for times when you’re likely to collect a lot of dried gunk in there (or those spiky boogers!) and be good about removing them in whatever ways you find proper—taking a tissue into the bathroom stall instead of in your office, or whatever. I see old people reaching up to dig for gold using a handkerchief or tissue all the time. We all get boogers and they don’t all blow out easily!

Which brings me back to my point that this is really not that uncommon, so maybe it’s the way you’re doing this that’s bothering you—does it make you feel furtive, maybe? Worried someone will see you? Or is it more internal like you feel compelled to do this? All of these things aren’t really about the boogers and they’d be good work for therapy if you found a therapist who’s not a jerk.
posted by sallybrown at 9:31 AM on March 2, 2020 [3 favorites]

I swear quite a bit. It's not cool.

One way i get myself to shake the habbit (for awhile at least) is just to wear a rubber band and snap it on my wrist every time I cuss. Sounds sort of moronic, but it works really quickly. Maybe it'll work for you when you catch yourself rooting around for a booger?
posted by speakeasy at 9:37 AM on March 2, 2020

I sucked my thumb until around age 12, partly due to some anxiety, partly just habit I guess. Anyway, I tried a bunch of things to stop it, but my grandfather rubbed some jalepenos on my thumb (with my grudging permission), and it worked so well that afternoon that I eagerly kept it up for 2-3 days. This doesn't really get at the shame aspect, but if you're just looking at something to disrupt your habit, you could try something like this.
posted by skewed at 9:43 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Saline nasal spray may help. When you get the urge to pick, give yourself a spray. Wait a few minutes and then blow your nose. This is basically trying to establish a different habit that may give you similar physical relief.
posted by ewok_academy at 9:50 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

I can't tell from your post if this is a semiconscious thing you do that you want to stop, or part of a ritual, or compulsive behavior, or what. The fact that you've seen multiple therapists about this suggests this is pretty serious for you. I'd suggest looking for a new therapist and going from there.

I'm also specifically uncomfortable with the other responses suggesting you substitute some mildly painful action for the nose-picking. That could evolve into something much worse than what you're doing now, depending on what's underlying this behavior for you.
posted by bright flowers at 9:54 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

Nthing that I don't think this is really all that gross. And certainly not that uncommon. As you say, there's stuff up there, and sometimes a finger is just about the only way to effectively get it out. I wonder if you could split the difference: cut yourself slack for picking your nose, but work on wiping the products of said nose-picking on a tissue, or rolling them up and flicking them on the ground, or whatever, if eating them is causing you intolerable shame. Realize this is not quite an answer to your specific question—sorry!
posted by toomuchkatherine at 10:03 AM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]

Add me to team "What the hell was wrong with your therapists?" There is some really gross shit that people do with their bodies and this doesn’t even make the top ten.

I am currently unintentionally but quite effectively getting out of the habit of unconsciously touching my eyes by handling cut jalapeños. I expect it would work for the nose as well.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 10:14 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

The only part of this I find gross is the eating part. And if you're not doing it in public, I don't care. I pick my nose, because I'm a human being with boogers. I feel no shame about that? Would it help to just stop one part of the activity, the eating? Like, if you always have a little packet of tissues with you, you could put the boogie there?

Also fuck those therapists for shaming you. They shouldn't be doing that.
posted by purple_bird at 10:15 AM on March 2, 2020

I pick and eat, though I don't make a show of it. To hell with your therapist.
posted by seanmpuckett at 10:17 AM on March 2, 2020 [6 favorites]

Bitter-tasting nail polishes that are meant to keep you from biting your nails could be as effective here. Most of them are not really a polish at all, they're just a liquid in a polish-type bottle that you could easily swab your fingertips with and you would get the bitter taste as soon as your finger hits your mouth. The only caveat is that if you're eating anything with your hands the taste could rub off on them (this happened to me when I used one to stop biting my nails--it had the side effect of breaking me from mindless snacking because I had to wash my hands to get rid of the polish anytime I wanted to eat some chips or similar snacks).

Combine this with establishing a nose-clearing routine (blowing your nose when you wake up, in the shower, when you wash your face) and the incentive (boogers) will be gone and a deterrent (the bitter polish) will be there if temptation strikes.
posted by Fuego at 10:27 AM on March 2, 2020

I had to break myself of this as a kid... but I still pick sometimes. I just don't eat. (Anyone who NEVER picks their nose, I have to idea how they deal with the horror of Sharp Boogs!) I highly recommend just trying to switch to that, and washing your hands after. And carry tissues so that if you're overcome and not near a bathroom, you can do it stealthily and have a place to deposit the evidence that isn't your mouth.

And if you feel like you often have uncomfortably solid boogers, consider using humidifiers in your living and working spaces. It could help!

I'm so sorry you were shamed for this! It's "impolite" but it doesn't make you a bad person or anything!
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:39 AM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

I am on team "you are fine." People do all kinds of shit, man. People eat mattress foam. People eat their foot calluses. Who among us has not eaten a dried scab? We are basically big smart monkeys, for chrissakes.

Do wash your hands, though.
posted by athirstforsalt at 11:01 AM on March 2, 2020 [4 favorites]

First of all figure out why you are doing it, and then work backwards from there.


Try to observe yourself when you do it to see just what the payoff from doing it is. It's something like a guilty pleasure, but the shame you feel while you do it is probably making it too hard to observe the build up and the release that happens when you do it and is making it hard for you to observe when you are about to do it before you actually begin. Additionally shame over doing it may make you so anxious that you desperately need the comfort of some oral stimulation.

You need to know if you do it because you've already done it before you notice and are not in time to stop yourself, or if you do it because you are unable to stop yourself while you are doing it, even though you have observed what you are doing.

If you are unable to stop yourself while in progress there is anxiety involved and you will want to meet your oral cravings to self soothe. Carry around something else to put in your mouth instead of the dried snot and/or your fingers. Instead of putting snot in your mouth try to get aware enough to intercept before you do and put gum or something like that in your mouth instead. If you can figure out a small salty treat to eat instead of gum that would be even better. A corn chip is about the right idea. Then you can satisfy the urge to eat something tiny and salty and satisfy the urge to pop something in your mouth, which you probably started from social anxiety because you wanted to hide the snot you had fished out of your nose before someone saw you touching your boogers and shamed you for that. Eating a corn chip instead of the snot particle means you don't have to keep your self control through an incomplete self-care and anxiety soothing ritual.

Come up with a ritual for when it has just happened. Something like taking a piece of tissue and wiping your fingers on it and then throwing out the tissue, is an ideal sort of ritual. Do this even when the fragment of snot is gone; go through the ritual anyway. This will help you transition to grabbing a piece of tissue and wiping the snot off your finger onto it, if you find yourself in the middle of nose picking and eating. Take it out of your mouth to put it into the tissue if you have to.

Once you have trained yourself to do a post or during nose-picking tissue wipe, work on catching yourself earlier and earlier.

The inside of your nose may feel unbearably itchy with a piece of dried snot it in it. Try to experience that feeling so you learn to observe it when it is happening, before your hands make a move. Periodically through the day stop and consider the state of the inside of your nose. You want to learn to feel when it is not quite itchy enough to pick, but nearly, and take steps to clear it in a socially acceptable way before the snot builds up to a dry and irritating level.

Hydrate well, and use a humidifier. Dry snot in your nose of the kind that you can pick is a sign of nasal passages being too dry. If the inside of my nose feels like that and I have crumbly or gummy bits of snot in there instead of slime, I know I am likely to get a nosebleed because my passages are too dry. A neti pot or snorting some salt water from the palm of your hand may help, but drinking more water and using a humidifier can ensure you never get to the point where your nose is bugging you enough that your hands do their thing.

You'd be surprised how many people do this. You are not alone. I know two people who pick and eat still, both older than you, and I did this myself until I was in later elementary school. I was very deeply ashamed before I got control of the habit and am still extremely embarrassed that I ever did. Some people who do this only do it in their sleep. Picking your nose and eating it is only unhygienic the same way blowing your nose noisily or licking your fork isn't hygienic. It may gross people out but it doesn't spread germs to locations where other people will catch them. It's no worse than scratching your nose. The basic instinct making you do this is actually a clean one. Nobody is going to catch germs from snot you have swallowed, not even you, but they could catch germs from picking up a dirty tissue that falls out of your pocket. So please don't be hard on yourself. You are worthy, acceptable, decent. This is a little social thing, not an ethical thing, or a dirty thing.
posted by Jane the Brown at 11:17 AM on March 2, 2020 [3 favorites]

We naturally swallow most of the mucus our body produces, I believe. Therefore, I’d guess that your biggest risk for introducing disease to yourself is if you’re picking your nose with dirty hands. Reactions of disgust aren’t often logical, and I’m sorry that your therapists made you deal with their reflexive reactions.

I don’t struggle with this particular problem, but it has made a big difference to me to treat myself kindly and gently after I engage in habits I’m ashamed of. I couldn’t say for sure whether this has actually led to a reduction of said habits, though I think it has. (After all, I’m finding alternate ways to give myself some of the comfort the habits provide!) But they definitely take up a lot less space in my mind/self-image.

I also started reading Cheri Huber’s books after seeing them recommended many times on Metafilter. “There Is Nothing Wrong With You” is her foundational book and a great place to start, but you might also get something out of “Making a Change For Good” which focuses on compassionate habit change and building an awareness of how self-criticism/self-hate traps us in failure.

Good luck with this, and thanks for being brave enough to post.
posted by ceramicspaniel at 11:20 AM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Can you maybe make a two-stage attempt to stop? Use your own disgust to help you.

After "picking a winner", wipe it on the underside of your shoe. Maybe between in front of the heel, so at least you're not making booger prints (hey, great sock account name) on the floor. OK, great, not eating it.

But then think about what your finger just touched - the bottom of your shoe! Yecchh! That'll make you want to wash your finger before you send Pinkie back up and over the wall for more trench warfare.

I mean, as noted many times above, we all go nose-diving in private. Maybe you can't break yourself of that. But at least having an alternate canvas for your green paint, one that is pretty fuckin' gross to transfer back to the schnoz, can break you of the habit.

(and barring that, instead of chowing down, at least the inseam of your jeans is a great place to "hide" the nuggets.)
posted by notsnot at 11:24 AM on March 2, 2020

I just came back from a meeting while enduring my constantly draining sinuses. My goal was to sit there and to meet the coronavirus guidelines of not touching my head or face for an hour. To do this I needed a lot of tissues and at the ready hand sanitizer. I was actually surprised at how easy it was.

I see nose picking as an easy response to a problem (draining sinuses)) rather than the problem itself. Now that I know the problem could kill me (and others), I have to change my response. My current goal is to avoid any direct hand to face contact (other than eating or nose blowing) an hour at a time. It's ironic to say, but in this case the coronavirus can be your friend.
posted by Xurando at 11:29 AM on March 2, 2020

In the flood of coronavirus coverage, I've realized that I touch my face *a lot* in public and don't always wash my hands when I get home. My fear about the virus (mainly fear of contaminating older relatives who are at very high risk) has completely changed my habits. Maybe try carrying tissues.
posted by pinochiette at 11:30 AM on March 2, 2020

nth-ing 'not weird', 'therapist should be ashamed', 'health benefits of the collected dust and bacteria being torn apart in your stomach before informing your immune system via your gut'.

...but that doesn't help the 'I want to stop and how do I do it?'

* drink more water so your sinuses don't dry out as much (there's a knock-on to this, yes)
* carry disposable paper tissues and blow, or wipe out your nose instead and discard the waste
* the smoker's challenge for 'what to do with my hands when they're idle?' -- different things work for different people. spin a pen or fidget spinner, maybe doodle in a notebook, take up desktop drumming... (maybe not that, then)
posted by k3ninho at 11:35 AM on March 2, 2020

It's a form of picking disorder and fairly common. Probably mildly Obbsessive-Compulsive. Many primates, including humans, engage in self grooming or mutual grooming for hygiene and soothing. I believe picking is a form of this and is likely a genetic trait. Like other habits, you can change it.

Nail polish, short nails, bitter cherry on nails make it harder to engage in the habit. Carry a handkerchief, keep your nose clean. Take up knitting or otherwise keep your hands busy. Fidget spinner, worry beads. Wash your hands often.

Start a rewards chart on a paper calendar. Set goals. X on each day of meeting goals, 3 Xs gets a star, 3 stars gets a sticker, 3 stickers gets a small tangible award. Reward charts make you feel like you're a goofy 9 year old, but visual progress charting is effective, rewards, even tiny ones, are effective.

Shame can affect behavior, but is far from a very effective way to change behavior, and it's mean. You have a not-uncommon, very human habit. It's not like you did anything terrible, like ordering Hawaiian pizza or using facebook as a verb or anything.
posted by theora55 at 12:45 PM on March 2, 2020 [1 favorite]

Also on team "this is extremely common and not really that gross at all," but also I know how hard it can be to stop picking. Especially if you have allergies or another condition that makes your nose snotty! Try coating the inside with Aquaphor or Vaseline, which can help you stop picking and also rehab the inside of your nose and allow it to heal.
posted by radioamy at 12:45 PM on March 2, 2020

My feeling is that germy fingers in nose and mouth is the truly gross part. I don’t believe that eating the mucous makes it any worse, health-wise. Hand washing would get rid of most of the bacteria, AND possibly cut down on the picking by causing a delay between the desire and the execution. And once you’re at a sink, there will be tissues/toilet paper/paper towels at hand so you can de-booger without picking if you want to. I used to be a frequent nose picker, but since I’ve developed better hand-washing habits I never put an unwashed finger on or in my face.
posted by wryly at 1:03 PM on March 2, 2020

Do NOT put jalapeno or any capsaicin-containing anything on your fingers because it will get under your fingernails and stay there no matter what you do. It will absolutely KILLLL and the pain will last for DAAAAYZZZ and nothing stops it and it makes it impossible to think about anything else and, just in order to feel a different pain, you'll probably segue from nosepicking to finger chawing and the latter is arguably barely harmful and thus more harmful than nosepicking, which is on the continuum between barely barely harmful and not at all harmful.

I remember being a nosepicker and boogereater as a preschool child and that the boogers were supersavory. I now get grossed out unto gagging by even the memory of doing this, but the disgust, like my fear of roaches, which developed slowly over about a year after we moved to Florida and I observed everybody else freaking out about them, is clearly aftermarket learned behavior. Before I was taught that they're disgusting, I vividly remember relishing booger umami. >Hurk! ...bleaaaaargh...<

I think if you dodged learning to be grossed out by something your own body produces that isn't inherently sick-making, that's a huge boon. Your having hung on to the capacity to enjoy little nose snacks is like a superpower.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:54 PM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

Yes, we should all be touching our faces less right now. Carry some hand sanitizer with you and leave it in places where you do this--hand sanitize before and after. I'm betting your hands are way dirtier for you than your boogers, but you still don't want to leave boogers around for other people. Or spit.

But overall I agree that this is something that is nearly universal. I have made jokes about this at public speaking appearances--when I refer to something people claim they never do, I often say, "It's like we all say we don't pick our noses when we're alone in the car!" Usually there's laughter, not of judgment--but of recognition.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 2:02 PM on March 2, 2020

The first thing I thought of when you told me that your therapists shame you is that they do it themselves and are embarrassed which is why they’re lashing out and deflecting the shame on you. Don’t wear it and consider getting another therapist because their way of approaching this is not helpful at all.

In terms of disgusting things that people do, this barely rates a mention. Everyone is giving you good strategies to manage this but my strategy is to be kind to yourself and think that the people who are shaming you are actually carrying It themselves, maybe this will make you feel better. It’s a bodily fluid. Everyone gets boogers.
posted by Jubey at 3:31 PM on March 2, 2020

From a MeFite who would prefer to remain anonymous:

I broke myself of exactly this habit, and at the same age, after years of failure and shame. One day I put it in my mouth without thinking, then caught myself and, for the first time... took it back out. I don't know why that simple step was magic, but it completely interrupted the subconsciousness of it all, and I haven't even had to remind myself not to do it since. I hope it helps you just as much!

posted by jessamyn at 5:30 PM on March 2, 2020

Not a doctor here, but IMO you're more likely to introduce pathogens into your nose by picking than introducing pathogens to your stomach by eating the boogers. Stomach acid is pretty awesome. And you'd be a world-class digger if more nasal mucus went down the front path than the back that we all use whether we know it or not.

I'm not particularly grossed out by people eating boogers and I venture to say we've all done it from time to time. I guarantee that everyone knows what their boogers tastes like.

You aren't worried about other people's judgement since you're doing it in private. You're only judging yourself. What you're doing is no big deal! Maybe when you accept that you'll stop beating yourself up about it. Or maybe when you realize that it's no big deal, the compulsion won't be so acute!

But let's be clear--especially now!--hands are often filthy. You should avoid touching your face in any way and wash your hands whenever possible and for 20 seconds at least. When? Well, first, whenever the opportunity presents itself. Always before eating. After arriving home. After using the restroom (though this is more for other people's benefit; your germs are your germs already). After using public transit. I've read that the germiest things are gas pump handles and escalator rails. So maybe use the complementary paper towels at the filling stations to hold the handle and maybe lean your elbow instead of using your hand on the escalator handrails (studies need to be done on the relative merits of this; escalator falls can be terrible!).

But IMO your greatest problem here is your hands and not your buggers. Wash your hands well and then enjoy your buggers in private guilt-free. There's nothing to be ashamed of and if your hands are clean the risks are slim.
posted by sjswitzer at 9:02 PM on March 2, 2020 [2 favorites]

I'm not going to say whether or not I pick and eat, but I will say that I find nothing abnormal about the behavior. I think the inability to break the compulsion might be more distressing than the act itself.
posted by slogger at 10:31 AM on March 3, 2020

Just know that there are a ton of Mefites reading this who are struggling with whether or not to publicly admit that they also do this. I promise this is not as unusual as you think.

It's not that gross. Keep it in private, just like scratching your butt. Use clean hands when possible.

You're a human. Your human body is no grosser or weirder than anybody else's. It's OK.
posted by beandip at 9:24 AM on March 4, 2020