How do I manage/approach/deal with my friend’s frustrating behavior?
February 26, 2020 12:07 PM Subscribe
I have a friend who I’ve known for a couple years now. We are calling him Pete, okay. We have grown close in many ways — we throw events together regularly now, after a while of hanging and talking and realizing we had shared interest and desire to make some things happen. He is at base a very sweet guy, but he has a suite of behaviors that I’ve found very challenging. I’m looking for some perspective on these kinds of things and any help figuring out how best I can not get super annoyed or frustrated.
Here’s the kinds of things that happen:
I’m someone who is very sensitive to relational energies, both in that I pick up on others’ energies very easily and I really want others to pick up on mine. So these behaviors are incredibly frustrating for me!
I’ve had some folks who have or do work in mental health suggest that he may be non-neurotypical — I’m not particularly interested in diagnosis from afar, but it definitely helps me feel less frustrated to think of these as just the way his brain works. But it is still often difficult for me to be around, especially when we’re day-of and working to get things done together.
So MeFi: any perspective thoughts ideas suggestions here? I’m considering trying to discuss this with him directly, not to change him but just because if we have a shared language and understanding about these experiences I will feel a lot less alone and alienated. Does that seem possible, like a good idea? I am lost!
Note we are both cis men in our 30s
Here’s the kinds of things that happen:
- If we’re hanging out and I throw out an idea for the next event (“inflatable goldfish!”) he’ll think for a second then say “okay, is that what we’re going to do?”
- expected responses: “ooh interesting I love that because of A B C”; “hm I like that idea but it’s going to be tough because of X Y Z”; “waaaiit no what if we had inflatable CROCODILES”
- in other words, I’m looking for a creative exchange here but he often will go immediately to the “answer” (do we do it/not)
- At an event he comes up and asks me if we have a specific thing from the venue yet. I say “No” and he immediately turns around and goes to find it, while I’m starting to say “I talked to them and they’re going to get it”. I have to go run him down to tell him.
- expected behavior: I’m not sure but this was real weird to me! With other folks the navigation from “No” to “They’re going to get it” would have been much smoother.
- When walking together on the sidewalk he will not pick up on adjustments/changes that other people do. ie I turn down our street or stop to take a pic or look in a shop window. Other people will intuitively pick up on this energy and slow down, check in with the other person to see what’s stopping them, see that we’re walking a different direction now etc. Pete will just keep walking straight and I will have to holler to him or run after him.
- He often will not pick up on conversational movements that don’t seem to trip other people up. For instance I might in the course of a conversation switch back to something we were discussing a few minutes ago. While with other people there’s sometimes a “wait what is that about?” moment, with Pete those moments happen way way more often. I regularly (a few times in an evening hang) have to stop and get him on board with what I’m talking about after a conversational move, walking through each piece of the conversation. Similarly, there are just logical relationships that seem to take him longer to get his mind around and I have to walk him through.
- Today we have a plan to get dinner. We have a location but hadn’t planned on a time yet. I get a text from him in the afternoon that says “I’m going to get off work at 6 and get to the restaurant around 7. I’ll let you know my ETA.”
- expected communication: “Hey it looks like I can get to the restaurant around 7 if I leave right from work, does that work for you?”; “I’m thinking 7 for dinner, does that work?”; or just “hey when works for you for dinner tonight?”
I’m someone who is very sensitive to relational energies, both in that I pick up on others’ energies very easily and I really want others to pick up on mine. So these behaviors are incredibly frustrating for me!
I’ve had some folks who have or do work in mental health suggest that he may be non-neurotypical — I’m not particularly interested in diagnosis from afar, but it definitely helps me feel less frustrated to think of these as just the way his brain works. But it is still often difficult for me to be around, especially when we’re day-of and working to get things done together.
So MeFi: any perspective thoughts ideas suggestions here? I’m considering trying to discuss this with him directly, not to change him but just because if we have a shared language and understanding about these experiences I will feel a lot less alone and alienated. Does that seem possible, like a good idea? I am lost!
Note we are both cis men in our 30s
But it is still often difficult for me to be around, especially when we’re day-of and working to get things done together.
You don't have to click with everyone. If him being himself makes you feel "super annoyed or frustrated," then just cut back on how much time you spend with him. None of the things you list above seems to rise above "personal quirk" IMO, so I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this with him. Even if you're not trying to change him, you'll likely leave him feeling insecure about his basically harmless quirks, which isn't cool.
Go let him be himself elsewhere. Go be friends with people who share your energy.
posted by shb at 12:26 PM on February 26, 2020 [36 favorites]
You don't have to click with everyone. If him being himself makes you feel "super annoyed or frustrated," then just cut back on how much time you spend with him. None of the things you list above seems to rise above "personal quirk" IMO, so I don't think it's appropriate to discuss this with him. Even if you're not trying to change him, you'll likely leave him feeling insecure about his basically harmless quirks, which isn't cool.
Go let him be himself elsewhere. Go be friends with people who share your energy.
posted by shb at 12:26 PM on February 26, 2020 [36 favorites]
I used to act very much like this. (Your scenarios are a trip down memory lane) I was in a relationship with a very emotionally intelligent guy (cis guy myself) who was always frustrated by my monotask approach to life and seeming lack of ability to pick up on social nuances and conversational context. He tolerated it for a couple years because like you, I seemed very sweet and mild-mannered at my core. But it eventually devolved into heated arguments and a deteriorating relationship due to the constant stress it placed on everyday life. What eventually did work for me to correct these behaviors? Lots of therapy (made me realize my family and friends were aware of these behaviors for many years and simply always tolerated them/looked the other way), a fair amount of cannabis at times to just get practice at having free-flowing conversations and observing body language and (this is important) having jobs (restaurants, landscaping crew) and repeated volunteer work (with dogs) that took me out of my office comfort zone into a world where picking up on social cues and body language was paramount. It made me look at how my inward behaviors and yes/no conversation style created awkward pauses and emotional discomfort for those around me. This process took several years. YMMV and one needs to be self-motivated to accomplish it. From your details, it doesn't seem that he's at a point in life where he would be receptive to your proposed discussion.
posted by caveatz at 12:29 PM on February 26, 2020 [9 favorites]
posted by caveatz at 12:29 PM on February 26, 2020 [9 favorites]
Well... do you want to be friends with him? I read through your question a few times, and I can't tell. Like, you know that if you throw out a crazy idea, he'll run with it. So if you instead want to have a creative exchange of ideas, you'll need to tell him explicitly what you want. When he asks you if you have a thing from the venue, instead of answering his question, rephrase it by saying "so-and-so will be bringing it by in the next few minutes." When you change directions, give him a heads up. Does 7:00 tonight not work for you? Respond and tell him that, and suggest an alternative time. Or respond to confirm.
It's okay if you don't want to do those things, but it sounds like this is how this guy is. I think it's a kindness if you recognize that this is how he rolls and expend a little emotional labor on his behalf.
posted by disconnect at 12:39 PM on February 26, 2020 [23 favorites]
It's okay if you don't want to do those things, but it sounds like this is how this guy is. I think it's a kindness if you recognize that this is how he rolls and expend a little emotional labor on his behalf.
posted by disconnect at 12:39 PM on February 26, 2020 [23 favorites]
Whether he is on the spectrum or this is an example of ask/guess, who knows? But there are for sure things you can do to communicate more clearly to him.
1. Before you throw out ideas, tell him you would like to brainstorm and toss ideas around. If he still has trouble engaging, maybe he's just not a good person to do that with. But at least you've made yourself clear.
2. If he doesn't listen past "no", don't say no. Say "Mary is looking after that, it's under control" or whatever.
3. As you stop, put your hand on his arm or touch his shoulder or something and say "hang on a second, I want to look at this". Or if touching seems inappropriate, just use your words.
4 and 5 are harder. I am honestly not sure there is much you can do about 4 except to try prefacing your return to an earlier topic with something like "hey, remember we were talking about aliens a minute ago? I just thought, what about if aliens..." this might not work though, some people just have more straightforwardly linear ways of thinking.
For 5 you might need to have the conversation and just ask him to check to see that something works for you before making a decision.
I guess just also try to think about it from his point of view. You clearly have all these expectations of how interactions should go, but how is he supposed to know them? Have you ever been frustrated by someone having expectations of you that they didn't tell you about? That kind of thing.
Good luck!
posted by Athanassiel at 12:40 PM on February 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
1. Before you throw out ideas, tell him you would like to brainstorm and toss ideas around. If he still has trouble engaging, maybe he's just not a good person to do that with. But at least you've made yourself clear.
2. If he doesn't listen past "no", don't say no. Say "Mary is looking after that, it's under control" or whatever.
3. As you stop, put your hand on his arm or touch his shoulder or something and say "hang on a second, I want to look at this". Or if touching seems inappropriate, just use your words.
4 and 5 are harder. I am honestly not sure there is much you can do about 4 except to try prefacing your return to an earlier topic with something like "hey, remember we were talking about aliens a minute ago? I just thought, what about if aliens..." this might not work though, some people just have more straightforwardly linear ways of thinking.
For 5 you might need to have the conversation and just ask him to check to see that something works for you before making a decision.
I guess just also try to think about it from his point of view. You clearly have all these expectations of how interactions should go, but how is he supposed to know them? Have you ever been frustrated by someone having expectations of you that they didn't tell you about? That kind of thing.
Good luck!
posted by Athanassiel at 12:40 PM on February 26, 2020 [13 favorites]
Well, if you're looking for ways to be less irritated: either adjust your expectations or, preferably, take on some of the work of communicating proactively. He's not picking up on subtle cues, so be less subtle. For example:
If we’re hanging out and I throw out an idea for the next event (“inflatable goldfish!”) he’ll think for a second then say “okay, is that what we’re going to do?” ...
in other words, I’m looking for a creative exchange here but he often will go immediately to the “answer” (do we do it/not)
Start more broadly. "Do you have any ideas for the next event?" If he doesn't, then offer up two: "I was thinking about inflatable fish, but what kind of fish? Goldfish? Or maybe barracudas?"
At an event he comes up and asks me if we have a specific thing from the venue yet. I say “No” and he immediately turns around and goes to find it, while I’m starting to say “I talked to them and they’re going to get it”. I have to go run him down to tell him.
When he asks if you have the thing: "It's taken care of; Matilda is on the way." In this case, you are answering his question literally, but he isn't asked if you have the thing; he's asking if he should go get it.
When walking together on the sidewalk he will not pick up on adjustments/changes that other people do. ... Pete will just keep walking straight and I will have to holler to him or run after him.
Give him a heads up: "Hey, hang on, I just want to check out this window."
He often will not pick up on conversational movements that don’t seem to trip other people up.
"Hey, so can we circle back to our conversation about crocodiles earlier?"
Today we have a plan to get dinner. We have a location but hadn’t planned on a time yet. I get a text from him in the afternoon that says “I’m going to get off work at 6 and get to the restaurant around 7. I’ll let you know my ETA.”
My only suggestion for this is to state your needs. "Can't make it at 7, so does 7:30 work?"
If your friend is irritating you that much, I do think taking a step back is a good idea. I also don't think it matters why this is happening. He has a different communication style than you. Life is a rich mosaic.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:41 PM on February 26, 2020 [15 favorites]
If we’re hanging out and I throw out an idea for the next event (“inflatable goldfish!”) he’ll think for a second then say “okay, is that what we’re going to do?” ...
in other words, I’m looking for a creative exchange here but he often will go immediately to the “answer” (do we do it/not)
Start more broadly. "Do you have any ideas for the next event?" If he doesn't, then offer up two: "I was thinking about inflatable fish, but what kind of fish? Goldfish? Or maybe barracudas?"
At an event he comes up and asks me if we have a specific thing from the venue yet. I say “No” and he immediately turns around and goes to find it, while I’m starting to say “I talked to them and they’re going to get it”. I have to go run him down to tell him.
When he asks if you have the thing: "It's taken care of; Matilda is on the way." In this case, you are answering his question literally, but he isn't asked if you have the thing; he's asking if he should go get it.
When walking together on the sidewalk he will not pick up on adjustments/changes that other people do. ... Pete will just keep walking straight and I will have to holler to him or run after him.
Give him a heads up: "Hey, hang on, I just want to check out this window."
He often will not pick up on conversational movements that don’t seem to trip other people up.
"Hey, so can we circle back to our conversation about crocodiles earlier?"
Today we have a plan to get dinner. We have a location but hadn’t planned on a time yet. I get a text from him in the afternoon that says “I’m going to get off work at 6 and get to the restaurant around 7. I’ll let you know my ETA.”
My only suggestion for this is to state your needs. "Can't make it at 7, so does 7:30 work?"
If your friend is irritating you that much, I do think taking a step back is a good idea. I also don't think it matters why this is happening. He has a different communication style than you. Life is a rich mosaic.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:41 PM on February 26, 2020 [15 favorites]
I sympathize with Pete. Why are you veering off different streets suddenly, and changing the subject mid-conversation to something 10 minutes ago, and not being clear about your expectations for a part of your collaboration (aka brainstorming)? What's wrong with meeting at 7pm? As bluedaisy said above, "Life is a rich mosaic" and I hope you're open to taking some of the responsibility for the frictions you describe.
posted by nkknkk at 1:26 PM on February 26, 2020 [28 favorites]
posted by nkknkk at 1:26 PM on February 26, 2020 [28 favorites]
Whether he's non-neurotypical or not, all of these things are within what I'd consider acceptable social tolerances. That is to say, if I had a friend that I valued, I'd adjust for the things. Maybe I'd say something about something in particular was hard to work with, very lightly. Like "oh, I thought we were still figuring out the time since we hadn't agreed on one."
I’m looking for a creative exchange here
But are they looking for that, and is it clear to them? I often find "creative exchange" exhausting. I just want an answer. Much of the time I really don't much care what the activity is, I just care who I'm doing it with. So if somebody throws out an idea I'll glom onto it and want to get it set in stone, because I like concrete plans. It sounds like they do as well.
I think you ask yourself "do I really like this person, minor frustrations aside?" and then if the answer is "yes" then try to shed expectations or at least voice them.
posted by jzb at 1:57 PM on February 26, 2020 [11 favorites]
I’m looking for a creative exchange here
But are they looking for that, and is it clear to them? I often find "creative exchange" exhausting. I just want an answer. Much of the time I really don't much care what the activity is, I just care who I'm doing it with. So if somebody throws out an idea I'll glom onto it and want to get it set in stone, because I like concrete plans. It sounds like they do as well.
I think you ask yourself "do I really like this person, minor frustrations aside?" and then if the answer is "yes" then try to shed expectations or at least voice them.
posted by jzb at 1:57 PM on February 26, 2020 [11 favorites]
Pete is not doing this to you. Pete is being Pete. I think you gotta ask yourself if you actually like him or not, because his actions aren't that awful as a person. He sounds a little preoccupied and aloof, possibly on the spectrum.
Pete is who Pete is, if I had a friend like him I'd just adjust my behaviors to lovingly account for his particular quirks.
posted by nikaspark at 2:17 PM on February 26, 2020 [11 favorites]
Pete is who Pete is, if I had a friend like him I'd just adjust my behaviors to lovingly account for his particular quirks.
posted by nikaspark at 2:17 PM on February 26, 2020 [11 favorites]
Sounds like you just have different personality types. You find these things about Pete annoying. Pete may (or may not) find some things about you annoying. I don't think either way of being is "right" per se. Sometimes people are just different.
posted by dgeiser13 at 2:26 PM on February 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by dgeiser13 at 2:26 PM on February 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
My ADHD boyfriend is like this. My super-uptight (as I am!) sister is not. Both of them are a joy to be around for different reasons. I really really enjoy people being able to sort of sense the ambient mood in the air and respond to it (my sister and I have fun cooking together because we can just ballet around the kitchen). That said, I am a stress ball a lot of the times and my boyfriend has a calm center and gentle manner that are delights.
I think learning to work with how Pete is will make you happier. However, you can also learn some slightly different communication styles that may make your interactions go simpler. And it's OK for you to be like "Hey Pete, you choosing the time for dinner without asking doesn't work for me" and work out another arrangement. In my partner's case, he spends a lot of intellectual overhead just making sure he can get places more or less on time and/or keep track of things, so we have a few "standing" dates and times for things (send me an email by 2 pm, text me when you wake up) so he can just get used to routines with me and not have to make a new plan each time which he may struggle to remember.
You may need to commit to a little more emotional energy than you are used to to keep Pete "on task"so you may want to think about where his strengths lie so you can try to find ways to balance this out.
posted by jessamyn at 3:16 PM on February 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
I think learning to work with how Pete is will make you happier. However, you can also learn some slightly different communication styles that may make your interactions go simpler. And it's OK for you to be like "Hey Pete, you choosing the time for dinner without asking doesn't work for me" and work out another arrangement. In my partner's case, he spends a lot of intellectual overhead just making sure he can get places more or less on time and/or keep track of things, so we have a few "standing" dates and times for things (send me an email by 2 pm, text me when you wake up) so he can just get used to routines with me and not have to make a new plan each time which he may struggle to remember.
You may need to commit to a little more emotional energy than you are used to to keep Pete "on task"so you may want to think about where his strengths lie so you can try to find ways to balance this out.
posted by jessamyn at 3:16 PM on February 26, 2020 [7 favorites]
I’m looking for some perspective on these kinds of things and any help figuring out how best I can not get super annoyed or frustrated.
Everybody in the world needs to find their own balance between being helpful and annoying to other people. You've been friends for years. Next time you find yourself becoming irritated by one of his quirks, spend a moment reflecting on the tolerance he continues to display for all of yours.
posted by flabdablet at 3:48 PM on February 26, 2020
Everybody in the world needs to find their own balance between being helpful and annoying to other people. You've been friends for years. Next time you find yourself becoming irritated by one of his quirks, spend a moment reflecting on the tolerance he continues to display for all of yours.
posted by flabdablet at 3:48 PM on February 26, 2020
2. I don't think this sounds all that odd, for running an event there's a lot of time pressure. When one answers a yes or no question with a "yes" or "no" that's usually taken to be the answer that's needed when someone is busy. Don't start your answer with the word yes or the word no if there's more information to be given, just give the additional information that's needed without the preliminaries.
5. sounds like Pete is a lot more interested in nailing down the specifics of plans than you, and figured that if dinner is today someone should pick a time already. That it's not phrased as a question seems sort of like an ask/guess kind of thing, if you need to do it at a different time just say so.
1. Maybe you should preface your brainstorming sessions by announcing that you're going to do brainstorming and would like his thoughts on your ideas. How is Pete supposed to know that you are open to his input about the inflatable goldfish, rather than incredibly attached to the idea of the inflatable goldfish and will be upset if he shoots it down? you need to give more context for what you're looking for in a response on this.
posted by yohko at 4:54 PM on February 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
5. sounds like Pete is a lot more interested in nailing down the specifics of plans than you, and figured that if dinner is today someone should pick a time already. That it's not phrased as a question seems sort of like an ask/guess kind of thing, if you need to do it at a different time just say so.
1. Maybe you should preface your brainstorming sessions by announcing that you're going to do brainstorming and would like his thoughts on your ideas. How is Pete supposed to know that you are open to his input about the inflatable goldfish, rather than incredibly attached to the idea of the inflatable goldfish and will be upset if he shoots it down? you need to give more context for what you're looking for in a response on this.
posted by yohko at 4:54 PM on February 26, 2020 [4 favorites]
Maybe Pete really isn’t the kind of person you want to spend your energy on and just need to move on.
Life is a rich mosaic, and there are people out there to be with who don’t cause this kind of annoyance.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:11 PM on February 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
Life is a rich mosaic, and there are people out there to be with who don’t cause this kind of annoyance.
posted by Pirate-Bartender-Zombie-Monkey at 8:11 PM on February 26, 2020 [2 favorites]
He sounds a little fixed in his quirky ways and you sound a little fixed in your quirky expectations; maybe it would help you be more chill if you try to recognize that you're both being a little bit set in your quirky ways. Maybe he's a bit clueless, maybe you're a bit uptight? (me too, no hate). Neither is bad.
(Except #5, that one is kinda rude, and it would annoy me a bit too. I would probably address it in a jokey way, with a quick text reply like "you might wanna ask me if 7pm works for me too ... or else you're gonna be pretty lonely in that bar! + laugh emoji")
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:07 PM on February 26, 2020
(Except #5, that one is kinda rude, and it would annoy me a bit too. I would probably address it in a jokey way, with a quick text reply like "you might wanna ask me if 7pm works for me too ... or else you're gonna be pretty lonely in that bar! + laugh emoji")
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:07 PM on February 26, 2020
You are describing deep personality traits and possibly some kind of diagnosis. He’s not going to be able to change these things for you, so bringing them up would mostly just be mean and pointless.
posted by hungrytiger at 11:46 PM on February 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by hungrytiger at 11:46 PM on February 26, 2020 [1 favorite]
I’m not particularly interested in diagnosis from afar, but it definitely helps me feel less frustrated to think of these as just the way his brain works.
Well, I mean, you can ignore the "diagnosis" elements from your friends or anyone here, and just recognize, sit with the idea, that this is just how his brain works. In a sort of anti-diagnosis, nothing you've described sounds particularly out of bounds for neurotypical people - some folks are just really focused, y'know? Heck, I can remember myself behaving like both/either of you at various times, depending on context and circumstances and mood.
Other folks have given you some useful scripts and ideas about how to communicate with him better, but along the lines of "that's just how his brain works" I'm sensing a pretty strong subtext of "He's Doing Thinking Wrong", which I encourage you to examine - freewheeling creativity is not the only and certainly not necessarily the best way to approach all the things all the time. As others have pointed out, maybe put yourself in his shoes a little, think about how your behavior appears to him.
when we’re day-of and working to get things done together.
Uh, it seems to me that you have a potentially great set up for a classic division of labor and responsibilities, where each of you brings something to the table that the other one may be lacking - his strengths fill in your weaknesses and vice versa.
I mean, you're the Big Picture Guy, the one brainstorming the wacky ideas, the creative . . . but maybe you're a little unfocused and disorganized and even a little flighty. And he sounds like the kind of guy where once you decide, "Inflatable Goldfish!" - Boom! He's on it. He'll research the best source of inflatable goldfish for the budget, he'll make all the ordering and delivery arrangements, you don't have to devote any brain power to it anymore, you let him run with it and the inflatable goldfish will show up at the right time and the right place for the right money.
You seem frustrated that he won't ping pong creative ideas back and forth with you, and maybe he's not the right guy for that, but consider what he can do well with the way his mind works, and how you two can use that to make events go more smoothly. Maybe the two of you can come up with definitive "To-Do" lists for him for future events that will allow him to use his focus to take responsibilities off your hands.
(And if his mode of thinking continues to create a lot of frustration for you in social situations outside of the events you do, I think it's OK to maybe back off a little on the socializing outside of the events - he doesn't have to be your best buddy to be a good business partner/friend.)
posted by soundguy99 at 5:52 AM on February 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
Well, I mean, you can ignore the "diagnosis" elements from your friends or anyone here, and just recognize, sit with the idea, that this is just how his brain works. In a sort of anti-diagnosis, nothing you've described sounds particularly out of bounds for neurotypical people - some folks are just really focused, y'know? Heck, I can remember myself behaving like both/either of you at various times, depending on context and circumstances and mood.
Other folks have given you some useful scripts and ideas about how to communicate with him better, but along the lines of "that's just how his brain works" I'm sensing a pretty strong subtext of "He's Doing Thinking Wrong", which I encourage you to examine - freewheeling creativity is not the only and certainly not necessarily the best way to approach all the things all the time. As others have pointed out, maybe put yourself in his shoes a little, think about how your behavior appears to him.
when we’re day-of and working to get things done together.
Uh, it seems to me that you have a potentially great set up for a classic division of labor and responsibilities, where each of you brings something to the table that the other one may be lacking - his strengths fill in your weaknesses and vice versa.
I mean, you're the Big Picture Guy, the one brainstorming the wacky ideas, the creative . . . but maybe you're a little unfocused and disorganized and even a little flighty. And he sounds like the kind of guy where once you decide, "Inflatable Goldfish!" - Boom! He's on it. He'll research the best source of inflatable goldfish for the budget, he'll make all the ordering and delivery arrangements, you don't have to devote any brain power to it anymore, you let him run with it and the inflatable goldfish will show up at the right time and the right place for the right money.
You seem frustrated that he won't ping pong creative ideas back and forth with you, and maybe he's not the right guy for that, but consider what he can do well with the way his mind works, and how you two can use that to make events go more smoothly. Maybe the two of you can come up with definitive "To-Do" lists for him for future events that will allow him to use his focus to take responsibilities off your hands.
(And if his mode of thinking continues to create a lot of frustration for you in social situations outside of the events you do, I think it's OK to maybe back off a little on the socializing outside of the events - he doesn't have to be your best buddy to be a good business partner/friend.)
posted by soundguy99 at 5:52 AM on February 28, 2020 [3 favorites]
My partner of over a decade is like this and I am more like you, and just recently we have made some progress on meeting in the middle. It took a lot of explicit conversations about what would feel supportive. Like, really explicit. “When I am upset about X, please just listen without solving it for me.” “When you say you want an answer but then you really want to talk about an answer it’s frustrating.” “I am trying to be supportive by not jumping to an answer but instead listening to you talk it through.”
When I really need to bat ideas back and forth, I find someone else who can fully participate instead of carefully repeat the phrases we practice, and I expect he probably enjoys working with other people he can just make 3 second decisions with instead of collaborate on the problem solving, but at least now we are both aware of the issue and can work around it together.
posted by instamatic at 8:32 PM on February 29, 2020
When I really need to bat ideas back and forth, I find someone else who can fully participate instead of carefully repeat the phrases we practice, and I expect he probably enjoys working with other people he can just make 3 second decisions with instead of collaborate on the problem solving, but at least now we are both aware of the issue and can work around it together.
posted by instamatic at 8:32 PM on February 29, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
This is actually a goal in Buddhism. Your mind is running on complexity, full of many possibilities, but his is much more straightforward.
I do know exactly what you mean about how nice it is for someone to have a meta-connection when even though they’re walking they’re also aware of the energy of the situation — that’s something I enjoy a lot — but he is oriented differently. To him it must feel like you’re asking for telepathy.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:21 PM on February 26, 2020 [18 favorites]