How to thrive after a decade with depression?

February 25, 2020 6:36 PM

I have been depressed since I was about 12. I am now in college and struggling to do much beyond survival and basic crisis management (no social bonds to speak of, little motivation to focus on assignments other than avoiding failure, and most notably, an overly obsessive attachment to a guy which I am extremely embarrassed about). Please help.

My favorite explanation is that "my parents fucked me up" (good people who failed in little ways that unfortunately turned me into a big mess). My condition hasn't been effectively treated despite several therapists and antidepressants, and I've used isolation as a primary coping mechanism.

Having depression (or rather, how I've coped with it) has not really bothered me until now, but recently I've started seeing/sleeping with/romantically considering a guy I've known for a few months. He is not depressed. In fact, he has a very healthy self-regard which I desperately lack. It makes me extremely ashamed of myself whenever it becomes apparent that my coping mechanisms are faulty. For example, I have not made any friends in the month that I've been at my college. He senses that I am overreliant on him for company, so he suggests that I join a club, stressing that "socializing is important."

Whenever I get a healthy suggestion like this, I feel so ashamed I want to die. I feel like a coward and a failure for being resistant to changes that would benefit me. It seems like I would rather complain about being miserable than actually change anything. He is very focused on getting his degree and implies I should do the same instead of 'begging him for attention' (my term). He knows about my condition and fully believes that I am capable of improving it. On the one hand, I do need someone to remind me to stop ruminating and act. But it also hurts my feelings to an incredible and irrational degree because it feels like criticism. I'm not sure he is capable of understanding the layers of suffering, cognitive distortion, ingrained habits, etc. involved in a condition that has lasted this long. Or if he can understand, he may not be able to empathize with or forgive it.

I need someone like him to prod me into wanting to live instead of subsist in the same way I have for most of my life, but it hurts so much to be constantly reminded of how abnormal and dysfunctional I am. It's not even the words he's saying that makes me feel this way, it's what I hear (that my condition is my fault, I should have been able to fix it, it's disgusting that it's lasted this long and gotten this bad). I am afraid of people and of making changes that would enable me to live a "normal" life. I feel guilty for not acting because of my fear. If I were braver I would not suffer, therefore my suffering is my fault.

I want to see him all the time, but he is very busy. I tell him I miss him very often, and then he suggests I find something else to do (for my benefit). He cares about how I'm doing because he is a kind person (and also because he's sleeping with me...), but he's not capable of the hand-holding I feel I need to get from someone. I have a new therapist I'm just starting to see but I would really love to have the support of someone I care about. I feel like I'm expecting too much from someone who has a limited amount of attention, time, and patience to give, but I can't help "begging" him. When I promise myself I won't text him for the week, I end up texting him every other day anyway.

Should I just cut myself off from him? Is it good that I am hurting if it results in some incremental changes in the way I cope with my depression? Is there something wrong with me? Being around someone who is healthy and functional makes me want to kill myself. Most of the time I don't believe it will ever get better.

The things I am doing "right": seeing a therapist, taking medication, trying to do reasonably well in school so I can graduate and build a life for myself.
Things I am doing "wrong": everything else.

I'm so miserable that I don't know what to do anymore. More than half of my life has been lost to this predicament. Is there hope?

posted by hnl_u to Human Relations (12 answers total)

Remember that this is a disorder and it's not your fault. If you can depersonalize yourself from the depression, maybe it will make it feel a little better and less like a personal failing. I know that's a tall order (heck I struggle with it myself), but it's important to remember that you're more than a ball of "failures and disorders", that you aren't defined by this disease. I have chronic pain and I struggle often. I remind myself that I'm a "well person with pain." Maybe you can consider that you're a "well person with depression." Maybe get evaluated for other things too (blood tests etc) that haven't been ruled out.
Also, if you've been in this college for a month: give yourself a break!! You've got time to make friends. You will. Good luck.
posted by erattacorrige at 7:15 PM on February 25, 2020

I was severely depressed when I was in college and continue to deal with depression on a regular basis. But this was in the 90s and I did not have the vocabulary to describe what I was going through. You do, and you’re doing the things I would tell my college self. Therapy and medication are a good place to start. So is making some friends. Your friend is right to suggest getting out there. If your college is anything like my son’s then you have a myriad of options. Maybe there’s a nice, low key activity you can try out. Maybe a walking group or book club. Your RA probably knows how to go about getting involved. There are probably people hanging out in your residence hall right now that you could pop in on. Bring your homework or something busy like knitting or coloring so you can be there but not put yourself out there more than you feel comfortable.
As for your friend, is he helping you or hindering you? Is this obsessive feeling healthy? I spent my whole senior year crushing on one of my professors and wasted a lot of time and energy on him. I could have been doing a million other things besides obsessing over a guy who was never going to fall in love with me.
I feel for you. I know how all encompassing these feelings of self loathing and shame can be. Go easy on yourself. Practice self care. Buy a cool journal and nice pens to track your mood. Take time to enjoy your favorite foods. Treat your body and mind to healthy sleep patterns. Maybe buy a light box if you think your depression is seasonal. (I have one and it really works if I make a commitment to use it every day.)
Hang in there. You are crushing the academic part of college, which is great. Continue therapy (and use the words you’ve used here. Sometimes folks are too shy to be open with their therapists or think they’re being too dramatic so they downplay their symptoms.) Work with your psychiatrist on your medication regime. It takes about 6 weeks to know if an antidepressant is working. Consider with your dr. if you might have bipolar disorder. Bipolar depression can be intractable and does not respond to most antidepressants. Treat your relationship with your care team as a collaborative one.
If you want to me-mail me go ahead. Take care.
posted by Biblio at 7:26 PM on February 25, 2020 [2 favorites]

Have you ever been evaluated for AD(H)D? You've just described textbook rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is not something most people can just decide to not have anymore. It might also be why antidepressants and therapy for depression haven't helped much, because they're the wrong type of medication and treatment modalities. (You may very well have comorbid depression, and anxiety, but that's an entirely different framework when ADD is in the mix.)
posted by Lyn Never at 7:35 PM on February 25, 2020 [9 favorites]

I have struggled with depression all my life, which is very closely tied to all the ways I was not parented well. So, I'm learning how to parent myself as an adult. One thing that I've been thinking a lot about for myself (and sticks out to me in your post), is learning how to fill your own love tank. It sounds like you are looking outside yourself to provide the feelings of love or motivation you want in your life. If you can slowly find ways to provide this for yourself, I think you'll feel better -- more self-sufficient and balanced in how you approach relationships with others.

For me, I keep a busy schedule, carve out time to build connections with new women friends, find a project (like cooking or crafting) to work on for a couple hours, and pay attention to how I treat myself. I also do my best to limit negative self talk -- meditation can help with this. Personally, I've chosen not to date while I recalibrate how I interact with myself. Kinder self talk and self care take a while to learn, but it's well worth doing.
posted by pdxhiker at 8:18 PM on February 25, 2020 [16 favorites]

For me, an important step was breaking the cycle of hating myself for hating myself. I sort of adopted the mantra "love your neuroses" (it was a while ago...) to kind of kid myself out of that self-reinforcing nastiness. I think it was important... once I stopped getting caught there I could address the rest of it.

One thought too was that it was a survival mechanism to get me through what felt like (and might have been, at least in some sense) a life-threatening situation. If it was me, I could eventually fix it, something like that. And you did survive! That's really outstanding.

Anyway, after that, I did some of the things you're doing... exercise helped. Also I started studying and practicing Zen. Zen, among other things, has a few hundred years of some really smart people trying hard to find ways to help others live happily and fully now, and stop sabotaging themselves. There's a certain "don't ask why, just do it" flavor that I found helpful.

Best to you, you can do it, you are worth it (even if it rarely feels like it) and there are people out here, myself among them, who care about you. Feel free to drop me a line if you like.
posted by emmet at 8:25 PM on February 25, 2020 [4 favorites]

seconding what emmet said... so much of depression is negative habitual thought cycles driven by some deeper cause (maybe past trauma, maybe body chemistry) - finding ways to undercut those thoughts was key for me - basically the thoughts are lies and with practice and time, you can cut them short and build up positive thought cycles

you are worthwhile
you are capable

i say 'i love you' to myself often - it took me a while to believe it - and it's still hard when I'm in the middle of a crisis - find ways to generate for yourself the same kind of love, care, and concern you would offer a close friend or romantic partner - compassion is necessary

mediation with the guidance of a teacher had been my primary tool in this for me

exercise helps me a lot - doesn't matter what you do as long as it's something that brings you happiness (i.e. not something you have to force yourself to do) - doesn't mean you'll always want to do it but it needs to be something you can get into even when you are down and don't want to

pay attention to foods that set off depression and cut them out (for me it was sugary things and especially chocolate)

another thing i feel is true about depression... it has a cause, it has a reason (beyond just neurochemistry) - many times my depressive episodes felt like they were there to get me to see something (though usually i couldn't see what while in the depression and it was the process of crawling out that might shed some light) - something i needed to change about my life in order to be truer to myself (maybe it was just that I needed to take actions to feel in charge of my life and any action would do)

finally, let the past go - you can't do anything about it - we get the body we have and have to work with it - i used to beat myself up terribly after every depressive episode and that was wasted energy that i could have used to change habits if i had known that was possible and had the tools to do it (which i didn't)

you can do this because it's your life and you're the only one who can (tho we need help along the way)

happy to talk more if you want to memail
posted by kokaku at 3:56 AM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

Unfortunately, depression kills relationships. And relationships do not cure depression. I learned that one the hard way. It is a terrible, horrible, had-to-hit-rock-bottom truth to accept, but it is, unfortunately, true that only you and you alone can take charge of your life and make it better. It feels deeply unfair but any relationship entered into under the terms you’ve described will eventually devolve into unhealthy codependency or heartbreak.
posted by stockpuppet at 5:01 AM on February 26, 2020 [7 favorites]

Here's a concrete suggestion about your romantic involvement that's not directly about overcoming depression.

Instead of texting him things like "I miss you", "I want to see you" (in your words, "begging him for attention"), put the onus on yourself to come up with a fun plan and propose it to him. Ok, maybe the plan is simply sex, but you can still make a specific proposal, e.g. "how about I come over to your place tonight at 9?" If outside-the-bedroom hangs are on the table, think of something fun that you'd like to do, and ask if he'd like to join you. This also has the benefit of possibly decreasing the amount you text him, because you have to do the work of coming up with a plan first before reaching out!

I used to always let other people make the plans for me due to a lack of self-confidence, and once I started asking myself "what would I like to do with my time?" and inviting other people to join me, it was a huge perspective shift for me and very empowering. When you're depressed it can be hard to find things that sound fun, I know. In that case, try doing something you've never done before but sounds possibly interesting -- going for a hike, ice skating, weird indie movie night at the local theater.
posted by mekily at 6:54 AM on February 26, 2020 [4 favorites]

Hey! There is totally hope for you! I could have written this exact question 15 years ago. In my case, I have been unbelievably lucky - my college boyfriend was patient and loving and gave me mental space to sort my stuff out, while being a supportive partner. We have been married over a decade and we are doing great. I am still on medication, and sometimes I'll go through a rough patch emotionally and have a few sessions with a therapist, but overall I feel like I'm doing fine.

My advice - get professional help. You have a big problem, and fixing it on your own is a tall order. There are professionals who specialize in this stuff. If you had a broken leg, you'd go to a doctor. Same deal. I found that the student therapists-in-training available through my university were crap (for awhile I thought it was just me, but no, they were overworked and under-trained and I needed more help than they could give). Things really turned around when I went outside the university system and starting seeing actual mental health professionals. Not a GP doctor, but actual psychiatrist and therapists.

Things to repeat to yourself:
1. Boyfriend is not your therapist. This was hard for me for a long time but it's important. He can love you and support you but he is not your therapist and it's not fair to put all your emotional needs on him. Not his job to fix you.
2. Treat yourself with kindness. Like, if you had a sister or beloved friend in your shoes, you wouldn't hate her. You'd be kind and loving to her, and encourage her every day to be good to herself and do what she needs to do. You can be that person for yourself. Practice positive self-talk.
3. College isn't forever. It's a weird intense time, but it's temporary. Squeeze through and get your degree and a full time job and you might find that things look a lot different.
4. (This one sounds dumb but it has helped me) Feelings aren't facts. You might feel like a hopeless mess but I promise you're not. You're a good person, and you're going to be OK.
posted by beandip at 9:44 AM on February 26, 2020 [1 favorite]

If I'm reading this right, you've been at this school only a month? I hope this doesn't come off as discouragement, but it took me about two years in college before I made any lasting friendships. The first few months in particular were rough because everyone from my family/hometown kept asking about "all the new friends" I was making and I hated lying to them.

I think you're doing the right thing by getting into therapy. You already know you don't want to be leaning on your boyfriend for all social interaction and that's good. One month in, you're still learning the lay of the land and rejection is going to be somewhat frequent. (I tried joining a church group early on despite being nonreligious... like, why??) I know it's hard when everyone around you seems effortlessly social; keep in mind you aren't seeing all the other people who prefer to stay bunkered in their rooms too. You definitely aren't the only one.

Anyway while I don't want to minimize your mental health struggles, I hope this normalizes the college experience a bit for you; I seriously thought about leaving the school I was at because I felt so out of place there at first. Depression lies to you about how "bad" you're doing. Keep up your good work and best of luck!
posted by saramour at 10:43 AM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]

The first months of college are really hard. It’s a huge adjustment. You’re doing ok in classes, you’re taking meds and seeing a therapist AND you’ve met someone you like enough to start a relationship with. This is huge. These are big accomplishments. I give you a lot of credit for doing even one of those things, and you’ve done all of them. I didn’t feel semi-comfortable in college for at least a year, and I was coming from a relatively good mental health state with supportive family I could call anytime.
I’m proud of you.
posted by areaperson at 5:47 PM on February 26, 2020

Whenever I get a healthy suggestion like this, I feel so ashamed I want to die. I feel like a coward and a failure for being resistant to changes that would benefit me. It seems like I would rather complain about being miserable than actually change anything.

So, I have anxiety, not depression, but this still sounds very familiar to me. When I was in the midst of an intense anxiety spike, none of the advice people give you (exercise! meditation! distractions!) really worked. They help me now, but that's only because I got my acute anxiety under control (that took medication, for me). So my advice to you is not to worry about any of those suggestions until you and your doctor(s) are able to get your depression under control - once that's happened, you may find that you have the space to practice them as preventative measures.

I'm sorry your depression has been resistant to treatment so far - that's tough, and it happened to my cousin when he was about your age. I hope you have a doctor who's actively working with you to find something that helps. For my cousin, that was ultimately ECT, which sounds WAY scarier than it is, and worked like magic when medication didn't. But it may be a process to find something that works for you, especially since you're at an age when your brain is still changing. I wish you all the luck in the world - I've seen a number of people come out the other side of this, so it's totally possible.
posted by Ragged Richard at 4:17 PM on February 27, 2020 [1 favorite]