Boyfriend wants me to move in w/ him; I want him to move in with me.
February 24, 2020 11:43 AM   Subscribe

Boyfriend owns a home in a rural area. I rent a nice abode in a safe, walkable neighborhood, one in which stores, parks, gym, library, etc, are close trips on foot or via my bicycle. He wants me to move in with him. If I did, I would have to forfeit the walkability/bicycle-ability, and would have to drive everywhere. I would also have to give up having a garage, which I find to be extremely convenient. He does not want to rent out his home and move in with me (I have plenty of room) as he does not want to forfeit the rural atmosphere and his garage. He is not open to us renting a home with a three-car garage. If I don't move in with him, he plans to dissolve our relationship. Thoughts?
posted by SageTrail to Human Relations (52 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
how long have you been together? how strong do you feel your relationship is? can you find a middle ground where you're both happy?

it seems that if he is completely unwilling to compromise on this point, you may have many other issues after moving in together with compromising. i feel, from how you've phrased this question, that if this is the hill he wants to die on, so be it.
posted by koroshiya at 11:48 AM on February 24, 2020 [30 favorites]


Rural/Urban living preferences are an important incompatibility. Ultimatums are an important red flag.
posted by fritley at 11:50 AM on February 24, 2020 [140 favorites]


If I don't move in with him, he plans to dissolve our relationship. Thoughts?

Byebye boyfriend!
posted by bahama mama at 11:50 AM on February 24, 2020 [164 favorites]


There was a thread not long ago where a woman moved to a place that she did not want to live in order to stay with her husband and she was utterly miserable. She was already married.

The way I see it you have the option to skip making that mistake. DTMFA. As above, red flags abound here.
posted by Medieval Maven at 11:52 AM on February 24, 2020 [27 favorites]


Oh, he gets to both live in the only house he wants to live in and keep sole use of the garage which won't accommodate both of you otherwise he'll break up with you?

Gee, he sounds super fair and accommodating.
posted by jacquilynne at 11:52 AM on February 24, 2020 [72 favorites]


You had me until the last line.

This is a normal quandry in what I'll assume is a normal relationship. That is not a normal response to solving it. That is a nuclear bomb. That is not a harbinger of respectful, good-faith negotiation.

Without mitigating info, I lean towards -- good riddance.
posted by Dashy at 11:52 AM on February 24, 2020 [28 favorites]


Bye Felicia.
posted by mccxxiii at 11:53 AM on February 24, 2020 [14 favorites]


If I don't move in with him, he plans to dissolve our relationship.

Yeah, I would be deeply uncomfortable with this kind of ultimatum about something as important as choosing a place to live. It doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise - is that accurate? Without more detail, this reads like a situation where he's not showing any respect or concern for what you want - I would not be interested in continuing a relationship like that.

(I was also about to add something about the recent question that Medieval Maven alluded to, but on preview, she's already mentioned it so I'll just second that that's what your question made me think about - here is the question if you'd like to read it).
posted by DingoMutt at 11:54 AM on February 24, 2020 [6 favorites]


I was in a similar situation where I lived on a boat and really didn't want to give that up, and my girlfriend (later wife) did not want to live on a boat. We actually went through two houses in quick succession because the first got nailed by a hurricane, but we found one that worked for us. "Us" being the key word. If you can't agree on a place and he is making it a condition, I'd say you are lucky to learn he's not right before moving in. Definitely do not move someplace you hate for this guy.
posted by BeeDo at 11:55 AM on February 24, 2020 [5 favorites]


If I don't move in with him, he plans to dissolve our relationship. Thoughts?

Put his shit in a box on the curb.
posted by DarlingBri at 11:56 AM on February 24, 2020 [55 favorites]


Fuck him?

I mean, this one seems pretty easy. He loves his house more than he loves you. It’s not going to get better from here.
posted by HotToddy at 11:57 AM on February 24, 2020 [20 favorites]


I'd say you take matters out of his hands and dissolve the relationship yourself. Mature adults capable of healthy relationships are typically willing to compromise and not make threatening ultimatums. If they realize they need to walk away from a relationship, they do so kindly. At the very least, your partner does not know how to be kind during major conflict.
posted by Everydayville at 11:58 AM on February 24, 2020 [16 favorites]


This will hurt, but I think it's time to (silently) thank him for showing you his true colours and end the relationship. Quality of life stuff is a values-based decision.

Given his unwillingness to compromise, it sounds like he doesn't value your values AT ALL.

I'm thinking about the recent question where a Mefite was deeply unhappy moving from a larger centre to a smaller college town.

Give yourself the gift of ending this relationship now so you don't have to post a follow up question asking how to manage your misery in this new situation.
posted by Juniper Toast at 12:00 PM on February 24, 2020 [6 favorites]


You came up with a fair compromise and he declined it. You did your best but he has made his decision. Don't get trapped out in the country with someone who is ok with forcing you to give up everything and get nothing.
posted by bleep at 12:00 PM on February 24, 2020 [15 favorites]


I am sympathetic to not wanting to move out of a house that he owns over renting. Not so much to the ultimatum. Another vote for dumping. It sounds like you're not really compatible around lifestyles anyway - those are very different situations and it sounds like (even setting aside the ultimatum) one of you would be unhappy with the living arrangement anyway.
posted by jzb at 12:01 PM on February 24, 2020 [6 favorites]


I wasn't clear about your preference order, other than that your first choice would be for him to move in with you. There seem to be two possibilities:
1) If he chooses not to move in with you, you'd prefer to break up. If that's the case, he refuses to move in, so you should break up.
2) If he doesn't want to move in, you'd be OK with compromising by continuing to date while living apart. In this case, he is refusing to compromise. You probably should break up with someone who's not willing to compromise and issues ultimatums.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 12:11 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]


Communication, mutual accommodation, and working on finding solutions that are acceptable for both parties are the healthy way to solve these sorts of things. Rigidity and ultimatums are pretty much the polar opposite. If he’s not interested in finding a solution that at least tries to make you both happy I would worry under any circumstances, but the real red flag is the ultimatum. In my observation, ultimatums generally mean that the relationship is already over.
posted by Quinbus Flestrin at 12:14 PM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]


It's hard to say from the brief descirption in your question, but it sure does sound like he is unwilling to compromise on this. Of course, we all have some things we are unwilling to compromise on, and it is not always the worst thing in the world to give in to a committed partner who is not willing to compromise, if it is something you don't feel that strongly about, and they are willing to make other compromises. For example, if rural homeownership were so important to him, he could make space for you in the garage - or even build another garage!

His overall unwillingness to compromise and his ultimatum make it sound like he doesn't really value you or your desires, and it would seriously make me rethink the relationship.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:16 PM on February 24, 2020 [4 favorites]


I know several people in LTRs who live in separate places. I don't know anyone in an LTR who drops ultimatums like this and refuses to compromise.

DTMFA.
posted by aspersioncast at 12:23 PM on February 24, 2020 [7 favorites]


I was reading along yeah, yeah, sounds like the usual difference of opinion that could be rationally worked out and then at the end I involuntarily said "fuck him."

This isn't about specific living accommodations. Or a preference for rural living. This is about forcing you to live under his control in a remote area without your accustomed access to civilization. Bowl forking shirt. Ask me, he's trying to see if you're groomable.

Answer's no.
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:23 PM on February 24, 2020 [13 favorites]


It’s ok to put a high importance on where you live—it’s a huge part of life. It’s totally reasonable to break up rather than move to the country, if that’s the choice your partner has forced. (While I dislike ultimatums, I can also see why the boyfriend might prefer to break up rather than move into town, and not see a future in a relationship where you have opposite housing desires.) It’s a nice and romantic sentiment, but “home is wherever you are” isn’t the case for a lot of people!
posted by sallybrown at 12:25 PM on February 24, 2020 [4 favorites]


He is not open to us renting a home with a three-car garage.

Fair enough. What sort of compromise is he suggesting then?

If I don't move in with him, he plans to dissolve our relationship.

Ah, I see. Red flag city.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:27 PM on February 24, 2020 [13 favorites]


Not being willing to compromise on a major life decision with a partner to find something that makes you both happy is a huge old red flag to me. Making my way or the highway demands is an even bigger red flag. I can see why he might want to stay in a house he owns, but making no concessions while making ultimatums is a huge warning sign. Also sounds a lot like he's trying to isolate you which is never a good sign either. Could also be that weird thing guys do where they make outrageous demands because he wants to break up & wants you to be the bad guy. All of this is a whole color guard of red flags.
posted by wwax at 12:37 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]


Neither of you sound like you are willing to compromise. I am in a similar situation. Gf lives in the city and has for 20+years same apartment. I have been in the suburbs for same time. I do not like the city.

We spend time in each place. It is my contention that the best L-T solution is to get a new place that is 'ous'. Is it binary? Why does it have to be one place or the other?

It is easy for someone not in the relationship to say dump the guy. Easier than trying to work through a difficult situation. I would continue to try and find a third way.
posted by AugustWest at 12:39 PM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]


I think it can be very hard to move in to someone else's territory and feel like an equal partner. An old friend of mine moved in with a guy who'd lived in his place alone for a long time. I was visiting after she'd lived there for at least a couple of years, we were chatting in the living room, he came in and said to her "get your feet off my sofa". I went home thinking that I could never live like that. My brother's ex moved in to his house and moved out again within 24 hours after a colossal 'cat making a mess in his perfect house' incident.

There's a risk that, aside from the garage / location / suitability, you would perpetually feel insecure and at a disadvantage. Plus if he really cares more about the house than living with you but is kind of pressuring you into it... I'm not sure I'd be keen. I hope you can take as much time as you need to decide this either way, it's a lot of work and stress to undo.
posted by ElasticParrot at 12:51 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]


This was me, and we split up. Living alone in my bikeable, walkable neighborhood was much better than living in the country with him as a partner would have been.

Eventually I joined forces with my current partner who also likes bikeable, walkable neighborhoods. We're so much more compatible, and not just regarding city vs. country living preferences.
posted by Orange Dinosaur Slide at 12:58 PM on February 24, 2020 [14 favorites]


A person who "negotiates" via ultimatums isn't someone who I'd want to be in a long-term relationship with. If he's given no indication that he understands your concerns and is willing to work on some sort of compromise that would help preserve your happiness, then I don't think there's a way forward in this relationship.
posted by Aleyn at 1:00 PM on February 24, 2020 [4 favorites]


Partnerships require negotiation and compromise. You present little evidence of either in this situation.
posted by epo at 1:02 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]


His attitude might be understandable if you were being equally uncompromising, but you suggested a compromise—so you're not.

He is in the more flexible position, as he can rent his house but you'd have to give up your rental.

Ultimately, you may want to live with each other but you want different kinds of lives.
posted by snuffleupagus at 1:04 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]


Even without the ultimatum, the question of "where will we live?" is something that reasonable people who otherwise get along great can fail to reach a compromise on.

With the ultimatum, he's saving you the trouble. I agree with everyone else.
posted by adamrice at 1:16 PM on February 24, 2020 [4 favorites]


If you move in with him and ultimately decide it's not working out, you will be the one without a home, scrambling to get back into your old beloved neighbourhood. Picture that.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 1:39 PM on February 24, 2020 [26 favorites]


I was about to suggest Living Apart Together (LAT) until I got to your last line.

This sounds untenable. He does not sound willing to compromise.
posted by fiercecupcake at 2:02 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]


Kiss and say goodbye.

After you're done being bummed it may be a relief.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 2:16 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]


If you move in with him, the next time he tries to control you with another ultimatum - because he will - you will be the one without a home, scrambling to get back into your old beloved neighbourhood. Picture that.
posted by Jubey at 2:22 PM on February 24, 2020 [11 favorites]


I have sort of been your boyfriend in this instance and in retrospect the reason I was so (internally) intractable about compromising was because I was not actually THAT invested in the person I was dating. (But I realized this and we broke up in a reasonable manner.)
posted by Countess Sandwich at 2:35 PM on February 24, 2020 [9 favorites]


He might stand to have a significant financial loss by trading a house he owns for one with a bigger garage or to take on the risks of being a landlord while renting. We don't know enough about what you are really asking him to do, but I am sympathetic to someone who may have achieved a stable financial and living situation not wanting to regress in that regard. I get that walkable coffee shops are neat but he may value being able to save for retirement or something and to me that would indicate a mature and stable partner who is very desirable.
posted by cakebatter at 2:44 PM on February 24, 2020 [5 favorites]


Neither of you cares more about the relationship than your current living situations. Ignore the ultimatum, make the choice you want to make, let the chips fall.
posted by theora55 at 3:42 PM on February 24, 2020 [5 favorites]


In divorce court, this is what is known as "irreconcilable differences". Save yourself the lawyer fees.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:22 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]


He doesn’t care what he’s asking you to give up and isn’t willing to give up anything? No.

Give him up and stay in your awesome neighborhood.
posted by bile and syntax at 5:21 PM on February 24, 2020 [2 favorites]


The world is full of people who are kind, generous and open to compromise. It is less full of neighborhoods that have everything you want within your price point and preferred modes of living. Keep the rental in the great neighborhood, lose the intractable person who can’t make a compelling case for what they’re adding to your quality of life.
posted by sobell at 6:27 PM on February 24, 2020 [4 favorites]


I was very much team DTMFA but I think there's a lot of info missing from his side. Does he have family nearby he needs to care for? Would getting the house ready for a renter cause significant financial hardship? Is becoming a landlord something that's just beyond his scope?

If it's truly just that he likes his house and is unwilling to compromise, then yeah DTMFA
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 6:32 PM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]


Yeah, this is a pretty bad place to be. For the sake of completeness, I thought it might be useful to offer marriage researcher John Gottman's take on gridlocked conflict. Bottom line is, what's driving the conflict is the ideas you have about what your current situation means and what change might bring. What are each of you trying to achieve in your preferred living situation? What are you fearful about with the prospect of change? Did you guys talk about stuff on this level at all, in a productive way?
posted by Sublimity at 6:48 PM on February 24, 2020 [1 favorite]


I think it’s completely normal and appropriate to not want to sell a home (or rent it out) in order to progress a relationship to the next level. Especially when the alternative is to move to a rental.

I also think it is completely normal and appropriate that BF prefers to break up rather than sell his house. If you find out that your SO’s preferences for living together are diametrically opposed to your own, then what are the choices? Date and live separately in perpetuity, or break up. BF is choosing to break up. That is a completely rational choice based on a fundamental incompatibility. This is exactly what dating is supposed to do—show you whether you’re suitable together for the long term.

I don’t consider this an “ultimatum” the way those are usually perceived. This is a lifestyle question, on the order of kids/no kids, dog/no dog, vegan/meat eater. In these situations, one of you has to give up something they find really fulfilling in order to meet the needs of the other. That sucks. Nobody’s happy doing that. It’s better to discover this now than for one of you to move and be unhappy. Break up and date a fellow city-dweller who enjoys the same kind of residential environment that you do.
posted by Autumnheart at 6:52 PM on February 24, 2020 [14 favorites]


for the first year of our relationship, my fiance and I lived in my city apartment during the week and spent weekends at his rural place. It was nice.

But that wasn't a product of ultimatums, that was us just getting used to kind of living together and figuring things out. We were both renting and we eventually moved in together to a place that worked for both of us, having ascertained that we were going to get married and that we had compatible priorities on housing. I'm not sure that's what's going on here.

Also don't move out to the boonies where you'll be bored and isolated because some guy threatened to dump you if you won't. It's not unreasonable of him not to want to sell his place, but why the rush to dump you?
posted by fingersandtoes at 7:55 PM on February 24, 2020 [4 favorites]


Yeah, plus one for dump him, but also plus one for, this seems like a reasonable hill for the two of you to die on.

I don't know if any of this is true, but it wouldn't be unreasonable if he didn't want to be with someone with whom he can work out some series of compromises to allow him to stay in his home. Maybe he wants to be with someone who's excited to move out into the middle of nowhere with him and...I don't know, whatever people do out there. Hike the mountain range in his back yard.

People have deal-breakers. You two have the good fortune of discovering yours up front.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 8:54 PM on February 24, 2020 [3 favorites]


Your boyfriend has done nothing wrong (yet, xylothek has good advice). He has explicitly communicated the things that are important to him.

You have also done nothing wrong but have your own list of goals and desires. That they don't match is the very definition of the "irreconcilable differences" that people divorce over every day.
posted by AndrewStephens at 7:50 AM on February 25, 2020 [7 favorites]


You are both two very different people, with vastly different priorities and lifestyles. Your demand is no more reasonable than his, so it's quite understandable for him to recognize that the relationship cannot go further than it has, and state that this issue is a dealbreaker.
posted by stormyteal at 10:27 AM on February 25, 2020 [3 favorites]


He is not open to us renting a home with a three-car garage. If I don't move in with him, he plans to dissolve our relationship.

Red flag alarm bells! If he's unwilling to meet you partway on this, there's much more trouble ahead. If you stay together, marry, etc. in the future, there will be significant decisions to be made about children, the purchase of a home/car/etc. that he will be just as difficult to work with on, if not more so. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself and your future children?

I'd tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.
posted by chatelaine at 1:27 PM on February 25, 2020 [2 favorites]


thoughts? he is one giant dick trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants based on your fears about breaking up. DTMFA
posted by megan_magnolia at 6:28 PM on February 25, 2020 [4 favorites]


Your boyfriend wants a country girl. This isn't Green Acres. Move on to a relationship that is compatible with your chosen lifestyle, because country vs. city is a long stretch. He's right to draw a line in the sand if dealing with all the hustle and bustle and lack of privacy gives him indigestion.

Also, what others have said about the hardship of finding a new fun urban neighborhood if waking with the chickens isn't your thing. It's -- really -- quiet in the country, except for the damn birds chirping next to your bedroom window hours before sunrise. And the deer eating your vegetable garden. And avoiding the neighbor's cattle when they knock down the barbed wire fence and get into the dirt road on your 45-minute drive back home after work, with the ice cream melting in the Styrofoam ice chest (freeze some two-liter soda bottles of water).
Don't get me started about satellite dishes and DSL internet.
It's a different lifestyle.
"New York is where I'd rather stay. I get allergic smelling hay!"
posted by TrishaU at 2:56 PM on February 26, 2020 [3 favorites]


From how you've written this question, it sounds like your boyfriend is issuing an unreasonable and rather controlling sounding ultimatum to either move in with him or break up.


But you know other things that you haven't included here, you'll have to think about whether this is more of a dating requirement on his end, people are allowed to have deal breakers -- And if what he wants is to be in a relationship with someone who's willing to live with him on the rural land he owns, it's perfectly reasonable of him to say that he would like to break up if you are not interested in this. It's not clear from your question, but living here might be really integrated into his life, such as how he makes his living, or that the land has something to do with his family in some way, or he might have to give up a beloved horse to move to the city.

It sounds like one of the main things that you don't like about moving to his property is that you wouldn't have a garage? is it possible to build another garage on the property so you have one for yourself? If you're otherwise willing to move, ask if he'd be willing to have another garage built.
posted by yohko at 5:22 PM on February 26, 2020 [1 favorite]


I think a larger garage was a synecdoche of what a third, new rental property could enable.

But that wasn't really BF's objection.

Regardless of who is being more intransigent (it's him), the reactions about divergent goals are more to the point.

He's potentially displaying other red flags, but the analysis doesn't have to get that far, which might make it easier on everyone.

Skip the recriminations: you really dig each other, but want different things out of life. Break up, give it some time, maybe wind up solid friends later based on the connection you do have.
(MAYBE. First, if you still want that. Then, if he does too.)
posted by snuffleupagus at 8:27 PM on February 26, 2020 [1 favorite]


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