How to be friends with people you feel inferior to?
February 23, 2020 1:23 PM Subscribe
My life has been a disaster since I graduated college in 2016. I haven't socialized with almost anyone since then because I feel too ashamed of myself and inferior to my friends.
Since 2016, I have struggled with low-wage, health-ruining work, bankruptcy, student loans, and everything else. Honestly, I don't believe I'll ever have a career, my own place to live, etc. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever, so I just take more and more anti-depressants to cope with the pain.
All my friends, on the other hand, have careers, houses, vacations, etc. Their lives are so much better than mine, and they have achieved so much more than I have.
The thought of hearing about how great their lives are when mine is a shipwreck feels like too much.
However I realize I can't isolate myself forever. But I loathe being asked questions like, "How have you been?" "How's work?" and other small-talk questions, because they make me reflect on my own life, and I am ashamed of my life and who I am.
How do I overcome my own feelings of shame, failure, and utter disappointment so that I may connect with friends again?
I understand completely that THEY might not care, or at least not judge me. The problem is that I judge me. The only thing that helps me is to not think or talk about my life.
Since 2016, I have struggled with low-wage, health-ruining work, bankruptcy, student loans, and everything else. Honestly, I don't believe I'll ever have a career, my own place to live, etc. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever, so I just take more and more anti-depressants to cope with the pain.
All my friends, on the other hand, have careers, houses, vacations, etc. Their lives are so much better than mine, and they have achieved so much more than I have.
The thought of hearing about how great their lives are when mine is a shipwreck feels like too much.
However I realize I can't isolate myself forever. But I loathe being asked questions like, "How have you been?" "How's work?" and other small-talk questions, because they make me reflect on my own life, and I am ashamed of my life and who I am.
How do I overcome my own feelings of shame, failure, and utter disappointment so that I may connect with friends again?
I understand completely that THEY might not care, or at least not judge me. The problem is that I judge me. The only thing that helps me is to not think or talk about my life.
“The thought of hearing about how great their lives are when mine is a shipwreck feels like too much.”
Definitely discuss this in therapy or try to work on his. This is how things are at this moment in time. You don’t know if things will stay great for them and terrible for you- but it’s important for friends to be happy for each other, and believe it or not- it is COMPLETELY possible to be happy for friends who have good stuff going on even if you don’t. Everyone goes through tough times and they will too one day, so be happy for them NOW. In the wheel of fortune it will be you too one day and being happy for others is a reminder of the POSSIBILITY that good things (whatever) are part of your future too.
posted by catspajammies at 2:10 PM on February 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
Definitely discuss this in therapy or try to work on his. This is how things are at this moment in time. You don’t know if things will stay great for them and terrible for you- but it’s important for friends to be happy for each other, and believe it or not- it is COMPLETELY possible to be happy for friends who have good stuff going on even if you don’t. Everyone goes through tough times and they will too one day, so be happy for them NOW. In the wheel of fortune it will be you too one day and being happy for others is a reminder of the POSSIBILITY that good things (whatever) are part of your future too.
posted by catspajammies at 2:10 PM on February 23, 2020 [9 favorites]
I've been you. For the greater part of my adult life. Eventually I found myself focusing on the things I *did* bring to the friendship - giving of myself, being amusing, listening to people's problems, doing what favors are in my capability, and generally the more intangible things. Slowly I began to accept that my friends genuinely liked having me around, despite the fact that I wasn't their socioeconomic equal; otherwise they wouldn't keep hanging around.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:37 PM on February 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 2:37 PM on February 23, 2020 [7 favorites]
You might find relief if you can find time to do something helpful for people less fortunate than you.
For example, I spent time doing things for seniors, older people who couldn't do things like change a lightbulb or pull weeds, and it was very rewarding and helpful to my sense of self. I haven't reconnected with most of my past friends, but have grown more recent friendships where I don't feel that embarrassment over my failures.
I also spent some time helping unhoused people find homes through a local non-profit. In both these situations the people who I helped were so pleased that some of their happiness rubbed off on me.
posted by anadem at 2:42 PM on February 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
For example, I spent time doing things for seniors, older people who couldn't do things like change a lightbulb or pull weeds, and it was very rewarding and helpful to my sense of self. I haven't reconnected with most of my past friends, but have grown more recent friendships where I don't feel that embarrassment over my failures.
I also spent some time helping unhoused people find homes through a local non-profit. In both these situations the people who I helped were so pleased that some of their happiness rubbed off on me.
posted by anadem at 2:42 PM on February 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
Yup, Catspajammies has it right. Everyone takes a turn in the shit seat. Everyone. Some are in it longer than others but it's impossible to get through life without experiencing setbacks, disappointments, bad luck - the whole shebang. All those shiny happy people you are currently holding up as examples of everything you're not will one day feel the wrath of life. If they don't already. What you see is absolutely not what's real. Especially if you're on social media. Dude, if you are on social media, put your life vest on now and BAIL. Social media will take these feelings of not measuring up and jack them up to ultra-toxic levels.
Since a lot of how you're focusing your sense of failure is through the lens of comparison and how other people see you, maybe now is a good time to get some new friends. You can keep the old ones, of course, although maybe keep a low profile with those who seem super shiny right now. But, having some new friends to make new memories and associations with can give you a social outlet without the burden of the automatic comparisons.
Since many of us form friendships based on shared life experiences, it's natural that when those life experiences have a trajectory - graduating, finding a job, moving out of your parents' house, getting married, having children, yada, yada, yada - it's super easy to fall into the trap of comparing where you are in the trajectory to everyone else and feel that you're not measuring up. New friends who are not part of the original launch group can give you a social outlet minus the self-imposed where-am-I-in-the-trajectory stress.
Finding new friends is easier said than done but you don't need a ton of newbies to get started. You may even have some acquaintances in your orbit already through work, your neighborhood, the dog park, etc. Start small with at least weekly activities with anyone who seems open and fun. (This is the time to be super careful not to form any insta-friendships with the similarly unhappy. Misery loves company and will generally do what it can to keep that company miserable with it.) New friends who have no pre-conceived notions of where you should be in your life (you know that's really your brain doing the shit-talking, right?) can give you some breathing room.
Start small with humans who seem kind, interesting, and fun. Volunteer, try meet-up groups, chat with the lady who walks her dog by your house every day. Just make a few connections and see how you can grow them. You don't have to reinvent yourself socially overnight. Having a few regular social activities to keep you connected to other humans can help you as you heal from this really tough time.
posted by MissPitts at 2:49 PM on February 23, 2020 [14 favorites]
Since a lot of how you're focusing your sense of failure is through the lens of comparison and how other people see you, maybe now is a good time to get some new friends. You can keep the old ones, of course, although maybe keep a low profile with those who seem super shiny right now. But, having some new friends to make new memories and associations with can give you a social outlet without the burden of the automatic comparisons.
Since many of us form friendships based on shared life experiences, it's natural that when those life experiences have a trajectory - graduating, finding a job, moving out of your parents' house, getting married, having children, yada, yada, yada - it's super easy to fall into the trap of comparing where you are in the trajectory to everyone else and feel that you're not measuring up. New friends who are not part of the original launch group can give you a social outlet minus the self-imposed where-am-I-in-the-trajectory stress.
Finding new friends is easier said than done but you don't need a ton of newbies to get started. You may even have some acquaintances in your orbit already through work, your neighborhood, the dog park, etc. Start small with at least weekly activities with anyone who seems open and fun. (This is the time to be super careful not to form any insta-friendships with the similarly unhappy. Misery loves company and will generally do what it can to keep that company miserable with it.) New friends who have no pre-conceived notions of where you should be in your life (you know that's really your brain doing the shit-talking, right?) can give you some breathing room.
Start small with humans who seem kind, interesting, and fun. Volunteer, try meet-up groups, chat with the lady who walks her dog by your house every day. Just make a few connections and see how you can grow them. You don't have to reinvent yourself socially overnight. Having a few regular social activities to keep you connected to other humans can help you as you heal from this really tough time.
posted by MissPitts at 2:49 PM on February 23, 2020 [14 favorites]
Also, your friends may not be quite the shiny successes you think they are, especially if your main exposure to them now is social media or small talk. Many is the person posting glowing images on Insta who is privately struggling. Don't judge your interior by their exteriors.
The kind of thinking you're displaying here--catastrophizing, mostly--suggests to me that your depression is not actually being effectively treated. Unless you spent the last few years procuring for Jeffrey Epstein, I assure you, you are NOT a "shame, failure, and utter disappointment." I would go back to my doctor, show him this post, and ask him about switching meds or adjusting dosages.
posted by praemunire at 3:01 PM on February 23, 2020 [15 favorites]
The kind of thinking you're displaying here--catastrophizing, mostly--suggests to me that your depression is not actually being effectively treated. Unless you spent the last few years procuring for Jeffrey Epstein, I assure you, you are NOT a "shame, failure, and utter disappointment." I would go back to my doctor, show him this post, and ask him about switching meds or adjusting dosages.
posted by praemunire at 3:01 PM on February 23, 2020 [15 favorites]
" this ain't no disco" my advise is to forget the friends for right now. You need to get some 'power'. This is not money or possessions. The kind of power you need is more spiritual. Pretend what you perceive as your life is a movie to be edited. To edit you need to see what you have as total footage and decide what to edit out and what to keep in. Edit out the shit and keep in what feels like 'power ' or what you like. This needs to take place now, wherever you are. For example, the very act of deciding to make decisions gives you 'power'.
posted by JohnR at 3:19 PM on February 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
posted by JohnR at 3:19 PM on February 23, 2020 [3 favorites]
Have this issue too, except I'm older than you. Maybe make less status conscious or less mainstream successful friends? People who have had hard times may be less judgemental.
posted by greatalleycat at 4:12 PM on February 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by greatalleycat at 4:12 PM on February 23, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm going to ignore the bigger picture mental health aspects here, god knows I'm not qualified to answer. Just thinking of strategies to get through the day to day interactions, well, today.
Keep in mind if you're only seeing/hearing about other's people's lives through social media or snippets, they're only talking about the the things that make them look good. Their careers? You can make any career sound lovely when in reality they're just doing the low paid grunt work that's sapping their will to live. Their houses? They're not talking about the days their roof started leaking and the hot water tank blew up and the dog chewed a hole in the floor. Their vacations? Quite possibly put them into even more crippling piles of debt and they have nothing to show for it except a sunburn and some fading memories. Long story short - don't assume their lives are any better than yours just by the pics online or from what you hear. Meanwhile - start crafting your own story!! Take the small everyday wins and celebrate them. Take pictures of cool trees and sunsets and put them on the insta. Post pics of that random meal your made yourself that somehow looks amazing (no need to tell everyone you also burnt the potatoes... you're eating low carb!!) Go for a walk and find people walking their dogs and post goofy pics of their dogs (with permission) - everyone loves pet pics!
And then you can use these small wins to answer the "how are you doing" questions. These questions are just obligatory questions that people ask to start a conversation - they dont mean a damn thing. Quick answer, then turn it back to them. "How's the job? "Meh, it's a job, but omygosh I saw the cutest puppy on my way home, totally made my day. Do you have any pets?" "How you been?" "Not bad - tried cooking [whatever] the other day. Totally destroyed the potatoes but the veggies turned out awesome. Have you made any new culinary discoveries lately?"
Basically, think of these interactions as a branding exercise. Everyone else is too. Everyone's dealing with their own piles of shit, the trick is to pretend it smells like roses for a bit.
posted by cgg at 4:40 PM on February 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Keep in mind if you're only seeing/hearing about other's people's lives through social media or snippets, they're only talking about the the things that make them look good. Their careers? You can make any career sound lovely when in reality they're just doing the low paid grunt work that's sapping their will to live. Their houses? They're not talking about the days their roof started leaking and the hot water tank blew up and the dog chewed a hole in the floor. Their vacations? Quite possibly put them into even more crippling piles of debt and they have nothing to show for it except a sunburn and some fading memories. Long story short - don't assume their lives are any better than yours just by the pics online or from what you hear. Meanwhile - start crafting your own story!! Take the small everyday wins and celebrate them. Take pictures of cool trees and sunsets and put them on the insta. Post pics of that random meal your made yourself that somehow looks amazing (no need to tell everyone you also burnt the potatoes... you're eating low carb!!) Go for a walk and find people walking their dogs and post goofy pics of their dogs (with permission) - everyone loves pet pics!
And then you can use these small wins to answer the "how are you doing" questions. These questions are just obligatory questions that people ask to start a conversation - they dont mean a damn thing. Quick answer, then turn it back to them. "How's the job? "Meh, it's a job, but omygosh I saw the cutest puppy on my way home, totally made my day. Do you have any pets?" "How you been?" "Not bad - tried cooking [whatever] the other day. Totally destroyed the potatoes but the veggies turned out awesome. Have you made any new culinary discoveries lately?"
Basically, think of these interactions as a branding exercise. Everyone else is too. Everyone's dealing with their own piles of shit, the trick is to pretend it smells like roses for a bit.
posted by cgg at 4:40 PM on February 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Another way to frame this is you’re not giving your friends a lot of credit. Do you think they only want to socialize with people who own a home and have money?
If that’s true, then I think they sound like materialistic snobs and you’re right to not talk to them! But if that’s not true, then you could think about giving them a chance to be a friend to you. It could be awkward and you may feel bad comparing your financial situation to theirs, but it still might be worth a try. Even if it turns out there’s only one person you still enjoy talking to or socializing with, that could be a meaningful connection.
I can relate to dreading the whole “how have you been?” small talk. My best advice is to start a conversation over text or email. Reach out with a “haven’t seen you in forever!” Invite then to an activity. Ask them lots of questions about them. Tell them honestly you want to hear about them.
This is a sad question. I feel sad you’re judging yourself so harshly. I hope you can find an opportunity to have a little bit of fun doing something you enjoy- with those friends or without. I think the above recommendation to try a volunteer job is a really good one.
posted by areaperson at 5:22 PM on February 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
If that’s true, then I think they sound like materialistic snobs and you’re right to not talk to them! But if that’s not true, then you could think about giving them a chance to be a friend to you. It could be awkward and you may feel bad comparing your financial situation to theirs, but it still might be worth a try. Even if it turns out there’s only one person you still enjoy talking to or socializing with, that could be a meaningful connection.
I can relate to dreading the whole “how have you been?” small talk. My best advice is to start a conversation over text or email. Reach out with a “haven’t seen you in forever!” Invite then to an activity. Ask them lots of questions about them. Tell them honestly you want to hear about them.
This is a sad question. I feel sad you’re judging yourself so harshly. I hope you can find an opportunity to have a little bit of fun doing something you enjoy- with those friends or without. I think the above recommendation to try a volunteer job is a really good one.
posted by areaperson at 5:22 PM on February 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
Getting your life in order within the first 5 years of graduating college is typically the exception these days, not the rule. It sounds to me like your friends are really unusually lucky, not that you're doing unusually poorly or that you won't ever get your life under control.
posted by waffleriot at 5:35 PM on February 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by waffleriot at 5:35 PM on February 23, 2020 [2 favorites]
My life has been a disaster since I graduated college in 2016. I haven't socialized with almost anyone since then because I feel too ashamed of myself and inferior to my friends.
So you’ve been feeling like this since 2016? Assuming they graduated the same year then this predates any post-college successes they’ve had.
Honestly, I don't believe I'll ever have a career, my own place to live, etc. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever, so I just take more and more anti-depressants to cope with the pain.
You are depressed. Reading as someone who has spent far too much time there it screams out from every sentence.
You need to be in therapy and you need someone prescribing your psych meds who is paying attention to how well they’re working.
The possibility of hope and optimism exists for you, and if you won’t pursue them for yourself at least consider that they would be of value to your friends.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:44 PM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
So you’ve been feeling like this since 2016? Assuming they graduated the same year then this predates any post-college successes they’ve had.
Honestly, I don't believe I'll ever have a career, my own place to live, etc. Nothing I do makes any difference whatsoever, so I just take more and more anti-depressants to cope with the pain.
You are depressed. Reading as someone who has spent far too much time there it screams out from every sentence.
You need to be in therapy and you need someone prescribing your psych meds who is paying attention to how well they’re working.
The possibility of hope and optimism exists for you, and if you won’t pursue them for yourself at least consider that they would be of value to your friends.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:44 PM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure if this resolves your question, but I really wanted you to know that you are not alone. When I was going through a rough patch, I only stayed in touch with 1-2 of my very closest friends while I rebuilt my life for a while. For social time, I had meetings with a counselor at the time, and made new friends/acquaintances.
I only reconnected with my older friends after I felt like I had resolved most of my shame by working soo hard and repairing the things in life that I left I felt I had messed up. I am not sure if they thought much of it at the time honestly. But fixing my life was my first priority at the time and for me a lot of things started to fall back into place once I start repeatedly taking steps slowly in the right direction.
Be patient and gentle with yourself please. Bad luck does not mean you are bad or inferior. Humbling things happen to literally all of us. If you graduated in 2016 you still have so much time ahead of you and if you make good choices starting now you will probably have a very bright future.
posted by existentialwhale at 7:11 PM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
I only reconnected with my older friends after I felt like I had resolved most of my shame by working soo hard and repairing the things in life that I left I felt I had messed up. I am not sure if they thought much of it at the time honestly. But fixing my life was my first priority at the time and for me a lot of things started to fall back into place once I start repeatedly taking steps slowly in the right direction.
Be patient and gentle with yourself please. Bad luck does not mean you are bad or inferior. Humbling things happen to literally all of us. If you graduated in 2016 you still have so much time ahead of you and if you make good choices starting now you will probably have a very bright future.
posted by existentialwhale at 7:11 PM on February 23, 2020 [4 favorites]
You say your friends won't judge you, but that YOU judge you, so I think the question is how to cope with (what sounds like depression and) self-criticism? There are a lot of ways to work on this: therapy obviously, and possibly some kind of medication, but also exercise and meditation.
That said, for the stuff that is bothering you, I would definitely give a look into lovingkindness meditation, which is a practice where you wish comfort, wellness and ease -- first on yourself, then on a beloved person, then on a neutral person, then on a difficult person. A study on lovingkindness with highly self-critical people found that the practice "significantly reduced self-criticism and depressive symptoms" and it has other positive benefits too like increasing positive emotions and decreasing chronic pain. (If you're not feeling the voice in that first lovingkindness recording, there are a ton more free lovingkindness tracks on Insight Timer, including this one in a Scottish accent.)
You might also try "self-compassion" meditation, a practice particularly aimed at reducing self-criticism; self-compassion work has also has been shown to have myriad other benefits.)
Whatever you decide to try, I hope you find ways to feel better soon.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:21 PM on February 24, 2020
That said, for the stuff that is bothering you, I would definitely give a look into lovingkindness meditation, which is a practice where you wish comfort, wellness and ease -- first on yourself, then on a beloved person, then on a neutral person, then on a difficult person. A study on lovingkindness with highly self-critical people found that the practice "significantly reduced self-criticism and depressive symptoms" and it has other positive benefits too like increasing positive emotions and decreasing chronic pain. (If you're not feeling the voice in that first lovingkindness recording, there are a ton more free lovingkindness tracks on Insight Timer, including this one in a Scottish accent.)
You might also try "self-compassion" meditation, a practice particularly aimed at reducing self-criticism; self-compassion work has also has been shown to have myriad other benefits.)
Whatever you decide to try, I hope you find ways to feel better soon.
posted by hungrytiger at 12:21 PM on February 24, 2020
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by catspajammies at 2:05 PM on February 23, 2020 [7 favorites]