How to move close to parents... but not too close?
January 21, 2020 5:23 PM Subscribe
We currently live a very long way away: multiple days’ drive, or a full day of flying. We want to be much closer. We would not be completely unopposed to moving back to our hometown, but would need a pretty strong case made for that to happen. Have you moved back to your smallish hometown (or close to it) and loved it? Have you done this and regretted it?
We’d like to be close to our parents as we start our family. We are from a small college town in the tri-state area of Iowa-Illinois-Missouri where both of our sets of parents live. We are in our early 30s.
We don't have strong ties to our hometown besides our parents -- most friends have moved away. My wife lived under 2.5 hours from our hometown while working after she graduated from college, and loved being able to decide on a whim to go home for a weekend.
We are also starting a family and from sibling's experience know that traveling much farther than 5 hours with young ones can be prohibitive sometimes. Is there a distance/time when making a weekend trip become almost impossible with children? Or when does the inertia become too much for either party (us or our parents)?
Additional snowflakes to help answer an obvious follow-up of "where to live in a 3ish hour radius": I’m a librarian at a university so would fit most naturally at a college or university, but wouldn’t mind pivoting to public librarianship. She also has experience working as staff at a college. Our current grad school town is the largest town my wife has ever lived in, and we tend to like the slower pace, open country way of living.
Our ultimate dream is to buy a home with some land to have a few animals on. We are happy to defer this dream for now, as it probably doesn’t make sense financially.
We’d like to be close to our parents as we start our family. We are from a small college town in the tri-state area of Iowa-Illinois-Missouri where both of our sets of parents live. We are in our early 30s.
We don't have strong ties to our hometown besides our parents -- most friends have moved away. My wife lived under 2.5 hours from our hometown while working after she graduated from college, and loved being able to decide on a whim to go home for a weekend.
We are also starting a family and from sibling's experience know that traveling much farther than 5 hours with young ones can be prohibitive sometimes. Is there a distance/time when making a weekend trip become almost impossible with children? Or when does the inertia become too much for either party (us or our parents)?
Additional snowflakes to help answer an obvious follow-up of "where to live in a 3ish hour radius": I’m a librarian at a university so would fit most naturally at a college or university, but wouldn’t mind pivoting to public librarianship. She also has experience working as staff at a college. Our current grad school town is the largest town my wife has ever lived in, and we tend to like the slower pace, open country way of living.
Our ultimate dream is to buy a home with some land to have a few animals on. We are happy to defer this dream for now, as it probably doesn’t make sense financially.
Best answer: My husband and I moved back to my hometown, to be close to my parents, when our first child was born. (Also Missouri!) Honestly, it has been wonderful, because my parents are really great and have a good relationship with both of us (good boundaries, enjoy spending time with them). They don't provide our day-to-day childcare, but they're frequent babysitters - we've been able to do "date nights" (for free!) every 2-3 weeks over the past few years, which is pretty great, and they have helped us out in emergencies too. Just having a good level of family support...I won't say it's invaluable because I know plenty of people who do fine without being that close to family, but for us it has definitely made the stress of life with small kids significantly easier. And emotionally, I have really enjoyed watching my parents interact with my kids and form their own grandparent/grandchild relationship, and being close geographically has made that easy.
I thought that I would find it off-putting to move back to the town I grew up in, but that has been completely fine. I've kept in touch with a couple of old friends, but I've mostly made new friends through the stage of life we're in now (fellow parents, a church we've joined, etc). I do have to have awkward encounters with people I can't quite place in the checkout line with some frequency.
To answer your question about distance, with our kids I would happily drive an hour once or twice a week to see my parents, and would consider 4 hours or less to be worth it for a weekend trip. But everyone's tolerances will vary.
Having said all that, we are currently in the process of moving after about five years living here, but our reasons are more to do with our long-term plans (including job prospects) and some lifestyle reasons. It's nothing to do with wanting to move away from my parents; in fact, that's what's kept us here for so long. If you already have a pretty good idea you are compatible with the area long-term, it seems like there's not much downside to giving it a try.
posted by cpatterson at 6:31 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I thought that I would find it off-putting to move back to the town I grew up in, but that has been completely fine. I've kept in touch with a couple of old friends, but I've mostly made new friends through the stage of life we're in now (fellow parents, a church we've joined, etc). I do have to have awkward encounters with people I can't quite place in the checkout line with some frequency.
To answer your question about distance, with our kids I would happily drive an hour once or twice a week to see my parents, and would consider 4 hours or less to be worth it for a weekend trip. But everyone's tolerances will vary.
Having said all that, we are currently in the process of moving after about five years living here, but our reasons are more to do with our long-term plans (including job prospects) and some lifestyle reasons. It's nothing to do with wanting to move away from my parents; in fact, that's what's kept us here for so long. If you already have a pretty good idea you are compatible with the area long-term, it seems like there's not much downside to giving it a try.
posted by cpatterson at 6:31 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I don’t know how close your hometown is to Sycamore, Illinois is, but that whole area is good for land/animals/farm, and it’s close to NIU for job prospects.
posted by katypickle at 6:35 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by katypickle at 6:35 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I moved back to my home town (well, city). It's not smallish, but I had no personal ties other than my parents when we moved back. I hadn't kept in touch with school friends or anything or that.
I'm an only child and have always been close with my parents, and I do genuinely like my home town, so it did kind of seem like a no-brainer. We didn't have kids at the time of this decision, but fast forward a few years and...
If your parents are able and willing to help provide child care, it's amazing. I cannot stress this enough. Do explicitly check first though because I've heard a lot of tales of grandparents who implied that they'd help with childcare and then actually what they really meant is "I'll come over and kiss the grandkids every couple of weeks then peace out.."
My mom being retired and living 3 miles away is what has enabled my husband and me to focus on our careers, have date nights, take little vacations, and basically have one major thing struck off our to-stress-about list. She has never watched our son full time, but she helped part time at first to bring down our daycare bill, and now that he's in school she takes him on the billion in service days, or if he's sick and we both really really need to go to work, if there's a snow day that gets called as we are driving to school (happened last year), for sleep overs so me and the husband can adult solo for a couple days etc..... And our kid gets to have something that I never did: grandparents involved in his life. We lived very far from both my parents' families when I was growing up and I never had any relationship with any of my extended family. Kid adores all his grandparents, they adore him, they're all really actively involved in his life and it's great.
My husband's parents are at a bit different stage of life and I wish they'd spend more time here so we could help them more. They have a condo here but live at their other house a couple hours away most of the time and I'm really concerned that something is going to happen with my father in law (just turned 80) and we'll be too far away to help. If we could get everyone in the same place full time that would really be ideal.
posted by soren_lorensen at 8:29 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm an only child and have always been close with my parents, and I do genuinely like my home town, so it did kind of seem like a no-brainer. We didn't have kids at the time of this decision, but fast forward a few years and...
If your parents are able and willing to help provide child care, it's amazing. I cannot stress this enough. Do explicitly check first though because I've heard a lot of tales of grandparents who implied that they'd help with childcare and then actually what they really meant is "I'll come over and kiss the grandkids every couple of weeks then peace out.."
My mom being retired and living 3 miles away is what has enabled my husband and me to focus on our careers, have date nights, take little vacations, and basically have one major thing struck off our to-stress-about list. She has never watched our son full time, but she helped part time at first to bring down our daycare bill, and now that he's in school she takes him on the billion in service days, or if he's sick and we both really really need to go to work, if there's a snow day that gets called as we are driving to school (happened last year), for sleep overs so me and the husband can adult solo for a couple days etc..... And our kid gets to have something that I never did: grandparents involved in his life. We lived very far from both my parents' families when I was growing up and I never had any relationship with any of my extended family. Kid adores all his grandparents, they adore him, they're all really actively involved in his life and it's great.
My husband's parents are at a bit different stage of life and I wish they'd spend more time here so we could help them more. They have a condo here but live at their other house a couple hours away most of the time and I'm really concerned that something is going to happen with my father in law (just turned 80) and we'll be too far away to help. If we could get everyone in the same place full time that would really be ideal.
posted by soren_lorensen at 8:29 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
Parents of two thirty-somethings who never moved farther than walking distance (if I want to walk for more than an hour, but still)....
It's great to see the girls at their jobs, or when they come over, or want us to come to their homes. The deal is that they usually initiate contact.
And my husband has a regular online gaming session with the youngest. She came by tonight and they stalked zombies in the mancave while discussing life and people they know (she's third-generation at the same state agency).
Occasionally we lean on each other for the small difficulties of life: locked out of the car, the washing machine breaks down in the middle of a load, accepting package deliveries, watching each other's properties when on vacation. It's nice to have someone to do the driving after a medical procedure, or make a recommendation about banking. And we do the little things together, like movies and restaurants and festivals.
But what we also do is set limits. They have their adult lives and we try hard not to interfere. This isn't easy. You never stop being a parent. But if they want our advice, they will ask, and then they will proceed to make their own decisions.
I repeat -- keeping out of it is not easy when you live close and know the same people.
If everyone keeps to the rules, it can work.
But keep in mind, you may find out more about your parents' business than you thought possible, too.
This is also about the sandwich generation. Before signing up your parents for "free childcare," consider that we've raised our kids. We deserve a chance to love the grandbabies up, feed them sugar and caffeine, and send them back to you with a smile and a wave. Then spend our vacations someplace stress-free, because raising children is hard.
Not that you won't get offers (usually) for grandparent-time. But again, how much of your early failures at parenting do you want to share with your parents? Some lessons are best learned on your own.
My husband and I live about three hours from where both sets of parents lived, and that was about the right distance to visit, spend the night, and then head home. Other siblings live closer and this has been a mixed blessing. Too much information about what the younger generation was up to, and sometimes hard feelings about it.
Ultimately, the generations are closer and stronger knit that raised their families in the same community. At the same time the grandchildren that moved away due to marriages and divorces have left holes in the family that are hard to accept.
posted by TrishaU at 9:54 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
It's great to see the girls at their jobs, or when they come over, or want us to come to their homes. The deal is that they usually initiate contact.
And my husband has a regular online gaming session with the youngest. She came by tonight and they stalked zombies in the mancave while discussing life and people they know (she's third-generation at the same state agency).
Occasionally we lean on each other for the small difficulties of life: locked out of the car, the washing machine breaks down in the middle of a load, accepting package deliveries, watching each other's properties when on vacation. It's nice to have someone to do the driving after a medical procedure, or make a recommendation about banking. And we do the little things together, like movies and restaurants and festivals.
But what we also do is set limits. They have their adult lives and we try hard not to interfere. This isn't easy. You never stop being a parent. But if they want our advice, they will ask, and then they will proceed to make their own decisions.
I repeat -- keeping out of it is not easy when you live close and know the same people.
If everyone keeps to the rules, it can work.
But keep in mind, you may find out more about your parents' business than you thought possible, too.
This is also about the sandwich generation. Before signing up your parents for "free childcare," consider that we've raised our kids. We deserve a chance to love the grandbabies up, feed them sugar and caffeine, and send them back to you with a smile and a wave. Then spend our vacations someplace stress-free, because raising children is hard.
Not that you won't get offers (usually) for grandparent-time. But again, how much of your early failures at parenting do you want to share with your parents? Some lessons are best learned on your own.
My husband and I live about three hours from where both sets of parents lived, and that was about the right distance to visit, spend the night, and then head home. Other siblings live closer and this has been a mixed blessing. Too much information about what the younger generation was up to, and sometimes hard feelings about it.
Ultimately, the generations are closer and stronger knit that raised their families in the same community. At the same time the grandchildren that moved away due to marriages and divorces have left holes in the family that are hard to accept.
posted by TrishaU at 9:54 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]
If you parents are happy to provide you with free and competent childcare, then 10000% yes, move within a 20 minute drive of them. Getting free childcare from people who love your child? Not having to commute far to obtain that childcare? Priceless. Great for your budget and your marriage and your stress levels and your kids!
Same if their level of health and your relationship means that soon you'll be needing to care for them- if you're dropping in to help them with groceries or yard work or whatever, less time spent driving to do those things makes for way less stress.
If they are not a source of childcare, and are a few years away from possibly needing you to care for them? Then live where you want and just create a generous & affordable budget of cash and time so you can visit them.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:56 PM on January 21, 2020
Same if their level of health and your relationship means that soon you'll be needing to care for them- if you're dropping in to help them with groceries or yard work or whatever, less time spent driving to do those things makes for way less stress.
If they are not a source of childcare, and are a few years away from possibly needing you to care for them? Then live where you want and just create a generous & affordable budget of cash and time so you can visit them.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:56 PM on January 21, 2020
Child care is huge, and if you want your kids to stay in the same school system K-12 then elder care will also be much more convenient if you're close.
I moved cross-country back to my hometown to be near family, and it's one of the best decisions I've made. But perhaps idiosyncratic details: I'm exceptionally bad at keeping in touch with people I can't visit physically, and my hometown is New York, which might be significantly bigger than your hometown.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 10:15 PM on January 21, 2020
I moved cross-country back to my hometown to be near family, and it's one of the best decisions I've made. But perhaps idiosyncratic details: I'm exceptionally bad at keeping in touch with people I can't visit physically, and my hometown is New York, which might be significantly bigger than your hometown.
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 10:15 PM on January 21, 2020
I would absolutely do this but agree -- see really how up for helping out your parents are! I have lovely parents who adore their grandkids but they are not the babysitting/sleepover/help out in a pinch type at all; if I had moved home for help with the hard bits, I would have been sorely disappointed. That said, they are excellent company -- but help, no, and that's a choice they are entitled to make.
posted by caoimhe at 2:17 AM on January 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by caoimhe at 2:17 AM on January 22, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I live about 3 hours from my parents, and it feels like the perfect distance to me -- it's close enough that we can make the trip in either direction whenever we want, but far enough away that nobody's dropping by unannounced (I love my parents, but my husband and I are both introverts who need a break after a family visit). We have a 13 month old. My parents come to visit and give us a date night about once a month. We've gone to them for a couple of random visits and holidays in those 13 months -- it's definitely easier for them to make the trip (semi-retired, no pets, no kids, whereas we have to find a dog sitter and haul the baby gear, and maybe take a day off work).
posted by natabat at 7:36 AM on January 22, 2020
posted by natabat at 7:36 AM on January 22, 2020
My spouse and I moved home (to a city, not small town) to be near family. At the moment we're 10-15 minutes from his parents and about 2 1/2 hours from my mom. Both his mom and mine provided one day of childcare each for four years. It was incredible. It allowed me to work part time and have stay-at home with my kid time. My daughter goes to stay with my mom for a few days at a time and my spouse's parents are usually up for babysitting. We also often all get together for holidays, birthdays, and the occasional dinner or beach day.
I don't tend to feel that 2 1/2 hours is a frequent travel I want to do; most years I probably go out once or twice. (My mom visits me once or twice a month.) But it was close enough that when my stepdad got sick, I went out every month until he died (usually for a few more days than my spouse and kid came for). It's been a gift being able to visit more often, even as I don't find travel or visiting terribly easy.
In all, it's been great living near the family we do. I recommend it.
posted by Margalo Epps at 4:09 PM on January 23, 2020
I don't tend to feel that 2 1/2 hours is a frequent travel I want to do; most years I probably go out once or twice. (My mom visits me once or twice a month.) But it was close enough that when my stepdad got sick, I went out every month until he died (usually for a few more days than my spouse and kid came for). It's been a gift being able to visit more often, even as I don't find travel or visiting terribly easy.
In all, it's been great living near the family we do. I recommend it.
posted by Margalo Epps at 4:09 PM on January 23, 2020
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posted by bluedaisy at 6:21 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]