something to talk about

January 21, 2020 9:43 AM

People are gossiping about me and a friend. Everyone thinks we're secretly dating. It really bothers me to think that people are talking about me. How do I address this?

I have a platonic relationship with a friend of the opposite gender. We're not dating - nothing remotely romantic has ever happened between us. We are both single. They are conventionally attractive and I am not. I don't think that we would work as a couple - we're at different stages of our lives, want different things and have different values - and I don't want to date them. We have an affectionate, emotionally intimate and supportive relationship with lots of disgustingly adorable in-jokes etc but there isn't a whiff of anything sexual. If we were dating it wouldn't be a big deal, but we are not.

My question is about the way our mutual friends quiz and tease me about it endlessly. I constantly get hassled about this person - "oh, you LOVE them"; "you two seem VERY chummy"; "so what's going on between the two of you anyway?" - and various other comments. I've lost count of the number of times people have asked me about our relationship. I always say, "We're not dating, I don't think of them that way, we are good friends". But people don't believe me. (I don't know if people hassle my friend the same way - I'm embarrassed to bring it up!)

This bothers me a lot and part of the reason - I know this is ridiculous - is that back when I was in school people spread rumours that I was crushing on a friend of mine. It became the talk of the school and he found it so embarrassing he stopped being friends with me. (I was not a cool kid.) Also, sometimes I wonder if the reason people seem so invested in figuring out what's going on between us is that my friend is far more eligible and attractive than I am.

But more generally, I am a private person, despite being quite open and extroverted, and I dislike the idea of people talking about me behind my back. I dislike the idea of people watching us interact and analysing what our feelings must be. We do most of our socialising in groups but also do a lot of social media interaction so everything between us is out in the open.

So... (1) How do I address people asking me repeatedly if we are dating? I am calm and consistent in my responses and I worry that getting annoyed would signal to them the opposite - that there IS some big romantic secret that my friend and I are keeping from everyone for no reason. And (2) how do I stop feeling worried about people talking about me? I hate the idea, but I know that I can't stop people from thinking what they will think.

posted by unicorn chaser to Human Relations (24 answers total)

How do I address people asking me repeatedly if we are dating? I am calm and consistent in my responses and I worry that getting annoyed would signal to them the opposite.

"No, we're not. There's nothing sexual between us but I'm constantly surprised how many people assume men and women can't just be friends. I wouldn't have thought you were one of those people. Huh.

Anyway, how's work?"

I can't help you with the second half of your question because that isn't something that would bother me; sorry.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:56 AM on January 21, 2020 [6 favorites]

(1) what DarlingBri said (and honestly, maybe consider getting better friends)
(2) therapy, seriously, but it can also help to remind yourself that they're not thinking about this as much as you are, and that it doesn't actually affect your (good and valuable) friendship
posted by wintersweet at 10:04 AM on January 21, 2020

"Nope! And in fact I'm 100% available so if you have anyone you want to set me up with, send them my way."

You may not be comfortable with that last part, but I feel like instead of just a denial it's a denial and a redirection of their attention, which would be more effective because they start thinking about "you and guy X" instead of "you and this guy."
posted by DoubleLune at 10:08 AM on January 21, 2020 [17 favorites]

"That's the 4th time you've brought up Joe this week. What's your interest in his love-life?"
posted by thenormshow at 10:13 AM on January 21, 2020 [16 favorites]

I was thinking exactly what DoubleLune said -- redirect into identifying yourself or your friend as single and looking. Maybe express some concern that people are seeming to get the impression that you and friend are coupled up, because that might be getting in the way of either or both of you getting dates. This only works for you if it works for you, but I think it'd be convincing.
posted by LizardBreath at 10:18 AM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

The "nth time" thing is perfect on its own; no need to add anything they can debate like speculation about their motivations. It was used on me in a different situation and it was excruciating just to think that they'd been counting, and I am never going near that conversational topic with its wielder ever again even though I think I was within typical social boundaries but had inadvertantly stumbled into something extra-sensitive.
posted by teremala at 10:20 AM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

I have certain friends who are asked this multiple times a day, constantly. You really can't stop this from happening, at least until one of you starts dating someone else. People are gonna see what they want to see there.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:21 AM on January 21, 2020

"What is this, middle school?"
"Did I stutter?"
"Objection, your honor, asked and answered."
posted by Flannery Culp at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

Also, sometimes I wonder if the reason people seem so invested in figuring out what's going on between us is that my friend is far more eligible and attractive than I am.

I just want to validate this feeling. I am an unattractive single person and I have experienced this multiple times in my life. People assume that if you are spending time with a man who is "out of your league" (imagine me rolling my eyes as I say that) it must be because *you* are secretly in love with him. I don't think it's necessarily conscious and malicious -- more an outward expression of misogynist society.

I don't have any advice on what to do -- but I wanted to let you know that you are not crazy and wrong to wonder if that's the case.
posted by jacquilynne at 10:32 AM on January 21, 2020 [11 favorites]

When people do this sort of thing, they're sometimes trying (clumsily) to express concern for your happiness. They care about you! They think you deserve love and could make a partner really happy! — and those caring thoughts are making them get their hopes up about a partnership you're not even interested in.

Which, like, they're expressing it in a really shitty way even still, and they could mind their own business. But maybe thinking of it as a misguided expression of care and admiration, rather than Step One of a nasty prank, will make it easier to stay calm about.
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:36 AM on January 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

Ugh, how obnoxious.

Sadly, I don't really see how you could handle this any better than you already do. Calmly and consistently repeating your position seems the best approach. Will it stop the gossip? Probably not; these people seem stuck in High School. But at least it won't fan the flames.

As to caring about it a bit less/framing the issue somewhat productively, some things to consider:

1) There's very likely a natural end-point to this sort of speculation, when either your friend or you get together with someone else. Maybe it won't die down completely, but at least people will likely stop saying that to your face. So keep reminding yourself: this too hall pass.

2) If your friend's the type to ditch you because of being embarrased about this association, you want to find out sooner than later, before you get too emotionally invested.

3) My kneejerk reaction is that your friends sound annoying (for all they know they might be right and you're secretly pining in vain and they'd be rubbing it in). But some people find it useful to always try for the most charitable reading. You've expressed your impression that your friend is more conventionally attractive than you are. Someone might hear that as "they're out of my league". Maybe your friends think that's the only reason you're not going for it, and don't share that impression and this is their clumsy way of trying to encourage you?

I don't know how close you actually are with these people, but if there's someone among them you can have a real conversation with, you might try to get at the root of that in a more round-about way. Just in the most general sense - do they feel you lack self confidence and need encouragement in the dating department? Turn it back on them - what makes them think that? Reassure them, that if you're really into someone, you'll absolutely take the risk.
posted by sohalt at 10:45 AM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

I would tell the people asking you that this bothers you. You don’t have to go into the backstory if you don’t want but something along the lines of stating it doesn’t feel supportive to have your friends talking about you behind your back could really help draw your boundaries clearly.

Also I’m sorry that guy in high school proved to not be a very good friend. I would talk to your current friend your concerns and that you value their friendship and hope this doesn’t come between it. Let this person be a true friend.
posted by Pretty Good Talker at 10:53 AM on January 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

I want to address #2, with some gentle push-back on the assumptions underlying this worry. My own anecdata: for most of my life, I was not seen as especially attractive in my social milieu. I was an awkwardly kinda masculine, pretty fat, supposedly straight "woman" in mostly cis het spaces, and while I always had friends, cis men did not see me as a romantic prospect for the most part. During this time, I always had close male friends and almost no one ever thought there was anything romantic between us. Over the last couple of years, I've come out as queer and non-binary, and am mostly in queer spaces. I am suddenly seen as a sexual/romantic prospect in these spaces, and people are constantly asking me what's going on between me and various friends. Hell, I'll talk to a new person at a party for 10 minutes and a friend will ask if I got her number.

My point is that if so many people think you're an item, then you are probably more of a romantic prospect than you think.

And actually, in an echo of your question, at first it was really frustrating for people to do this, because I was so used to feeling unattractive that this prying felt ... sort of condescending. Like they thought I needed propping up. Or if the other person was really attractive, it felt ridiculous to even consider that we might be an item. Like you, I had terrible experiences as a teenager with guy friends freaking out if they thought I was interested in me. Which resulted in me feeling for a long time like it was just humiliating for anyone to think I was romantically interested in someone else.

So if people think there's something going on with you, and these are actually your friends who want what's best for you, it may not be for the reasons you think. I'm not going to invalidate your feelings, because I know keenly how frustrating that can be, but it may also be that other people just don't see you the same way as you see yourself in terms of your ability to attract a partner. I'm not even necessarily saying that you're not as unattractive as you think you are (though if you are female, there is actually research to show you are probably more attractive than you think), just that other people may not think your respective levels of attractiveness precludes the two of you being together.

I would really suggest therapy because, even though you're not interested in this particular person, I know from personal experience that traumatic experiences like the one you had in high school can really fuck with your head in ways that can make it hard to have healthy relationships with people you are interested in.
posted by the sockening at 11:10 AM on January 21, 2020 [16 favorites]

There comes a point where you have to tell people, "Stop, I am tired of being hassled about this. I said no, I mean no, you need to respect my boundaries on this and stop talking about it to me or anyone else."

Use consent words, hopefully your friends are decent people who will realize that what they thought was a fun game was actually mean and shitty and feel bad and correct their course.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:15 AM on January 21, 2020 [11 favorites]

It's way confrontational and over the top, but I offer it as part of a the spectrum of responses you are considering: "This is getting gross. I've told you repeatedly that nothing romantic or sexual is going on. Please respect me and [his name] and our actual friendship and stop exploiting us for your silly fantasies."
posted by BrashTech at 11:25 AM on January 21, 2020 [2 favorites]

This happened to me at work, people thought my coworker was cheating on her spouse with me. Frankly, we just leaned in, seriously trolled people about it because it was so stupid and immature. We would often go to happy hour together and we intentionally made sure it was obvious we were going to grab a drink after work. I forget what else we did but it got really cartoonish and people were embarrassed so they stopped gossiping. The fact that we were unbothered by their shenanigans freaked them out more than the idea of us getting drinks after work, apparently.

I also deeply disliked most of them so YMMV with this method, but more or less do exactly what you want to do and let these people sort themselves out. It sounds like you have a normal friendship and they have a maturity problem.
posted by Medieval Maven at 12:15 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

I used to try to talk people out of teasing me about things that embarrassed me. I’ve had better luck steering into the skid. In this case I’d say something like “I can’t keep lying about this. Bob and I are a thing and you were right all along.” And then I’d keep adding details until it got so ludicrous they had to catch on. Like we’re secretly married with 10 kids and he likes to do this weird thing with chicken feathers and a fondue fork but we’re in therapy about it.

Another thing that’s worked is saying very seriously and calmly, “you’ve asked me about this multiple times and I’ve told you truthfully that we’re not romantic and I’m uncomfortable at the suggestion. Why is this still a topic of conversation?”
posted by bunderful at 12:33 PM on January 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

Seconding Lyn Never. This sounds incredibly obnoxious and I don't think you're doing anyone favors by softballing. Tell them "this is starting to make me actually want to hang out with you less. It's not fun to be friends with someone who feels like an investigator."

The second tactic is to ask them increasingly personal questions back.
posted by nakedmolerats at 12:58 PM on January 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

It depends on whether you think these friends are actually well-meaning. If so, I would say “Hey, wait a second. This is the tenth time you’ve asked me this / made this joke in a month. No matter what I say, you don’t drop it. So what’s the deal with that? I’m being honest with you, the least you can do is be honest with me. You’re my friend, and right now you keep making me uncomfortable for no good reason, which sucks. What are you trying to say with this joke—just tell me directly.”

If it’s something like what’s suggested above—“We just think you’re so cute and Taylor’s so cute and we want you to be happy!!”—you can say, “you guys pressuring me like this is not only not making me happy, it’s making me unhappy and uncomfortable! It doesn’t make me want to get flirty with anyone, it makes me want to avoid you.”

But I suspect these people aren’t that well-meaning. That either they think you do have a crush no matter what you say, and they’re trying to force you to admit it (so they can tease you and gossip about you), or they’re jealous of your relationship with your friend and trying to turn something that makes you happy into a thorn in your side. All you can do with people like this is call them out. “Oh this again—what, your life is so boring you’re back to dwelling on mine? Seems like you want to talk about Taylor a lot, since you keep insisting I must like them...are you sure you aren’t the one who has the crush?”
posted by sallybrown at 1:48 PM on January 21, 2020 [4 favorites]

Also, I think you should talk to your friend about it. Honestly, if you want to make a real splash, talk to your friend in front of the meddlers: “hey Taylor, come here. Chris and Sam are back on their bullshit again bugging me about us being friends. Do they do this to you too? Guys look, we’ll pinkie swear for you that we’re BFFs and not having a torrid romance. Good enough for you?”
posted by sallybrown at 1:55 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

Not that this excuses the behavior, but just a way of framing it. Many people dont have a single relationship (platonic or romantic) in their lives they can truthfully describe as affectionate, emotionally intimate, and supportive with lots of disgustingly adorable in-jokes. Many are probably are some mix of jealous, curious and/or nostalgic for better times and this is their intrusive and clumsy way of showing it. They long to have that intimacy.
posted by hotcoroner at 1:55 PM on January 21, 2020 [1 favorite]

The next time they ask you, turn the question back on them
“You think we’re together? That’s funny, because everyone’s talking about how you and Married Colleague Foo are really into furries/naked basket weaving/intergalactic spaceporn. What’s your problem, I thought we were asking creepy personal questions about co workers and it was my turn?”

Some people don’t appreciate what boundaries are until they have to experience it themselves.
posted by Jubey at 2:53 PM on January 21, 2020

This...
We have an affectionate, emotionally intimate and supportive relationship with lots of disgustingly adorable in-jokes etc but there isn't a whiff of anything sexual.

contrasts a bit with this...
I don't know if people hassle my friend the same way - I'm embarrassed to bring it up!

Why embarrassed? If this person is your friend and you are acknowledged friends with no possibility of dating, then I think it would be okay to talk about this to your friend. If you've never discussed the nature of your relationship and you are in each other's potential dating pool, I get why your friends might be getting a flirty vibe from you all.

Having said that, it's okay to be direct and ask them to stop: "No, we aren't dating. You've asked me about that quite a few times, and it makes me uncomfortable. Please don't ask me about it anymore. ... How was your trip to the museum this weekend?"

As for whether or not people are talking about you: you can't control what they are doing and saying with other folks, and it would be great to figure out a way not to stew about this.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:23 PM on January 21, 2020 [3 favorites]

"Don't you think I'd tell you?"
posted by rhizome at 1:22 AM on January 22, 2020