How do you feel okay with
January 11, 2020 7:20 PM Subscribe
I'm dealing with a lot of stress with my job and my finances, and I'm terrified I'm not doing enough. I keep trying to work harder, but I'm so tired that it's hard to motivate myself. I haven't taken any time to speak of for down time in ages, which is probably why I'm so tired. How do I convince myself that I deserve to take time away from work?
This is part of an ongoing issue for me that has worsened over the course of my PhD. Exacerbating this problem is that repeated natural disasters have left me very, very broke, and I feel like a yawning void of neediness and deeply ashamed about needing help. I also keep finding myself compulsively ramping up my expectations for myself even when I know intellectually that they're too much.
Things that have not worked:
Therapy. I apparently cannot figure out how to talk about this in a way that makes any therapist offer solutions. I have switched therapists recently and the new one is helping slightly more, but it's very hard for me to articulate issues on a deep beliefs about me level and I am very very good at sidestepping. I'm autistic, so I process everything cognitively anyway, and something about that thought process does not seem to gel with CBT. I keep feeling like I'm wrestling my brain, and I'm failing.
Lecturing myself about how taking breaks makes me a more productive worker. I know this intellectually, but I keep finding myself ignoring it anyway and insisting that I need to do more and more and more work. It's beginning to take on a tone of self punishing.
Meditation. Can't focus on it. Hate it. My brain doesn't do that, and I associate both meditation and mindfulness with people who ignore the external reasons I'm stressed and act like the stress is my fault.
Things that have been helpful:
Clonidine. Blocking the adrenaline response seems to help with shame, which helps with the cycle of over work.
Square breathing. When I remember to do it. It becomes one more thing to beat myself up about when I don't.
This is part of an ongoing issue for me that has worsened over the course of my PhD. Exacerbating this problem is that repeated natural disasters have left me very, very broke, and I feel like a yawning void of neediness and deeply ashamed about needing help. I also keep finding myself compulsively ramping up my expectations for myself even when I know intellectually that they're too much.
Things that have not worked:
Therapy. I apparently cannot figure out how to talk about this in a way that makes any therapist offer solutions. I have switched therapists recently and the new one is helping slightly more, but it's very hard for me to articulate issues on a deep beliefs about me level and I am very very good at sidestepping. I'm autistic, so I process everything cognitively anyway, and something about that thought process does not seem to gel with CBT. I keep feeling like I'm wrestling my brain, and I'm failing.
Lecturing myself about how taking breaks makes me a more productive worker. I know this intellectually, but I keep finding myself ignoring it anyway and insisting that I need to do more and more and more work. It's beginning to take on a tone of self punishing.
Meditation. Can't focus on it. Hate it. My brain doesn't do that, and I associate both meditation and mindfulness with people who ignore the external reasons I'm stressed and act like the stress is my fault.
Things that have been helpful:
Clonidine. Blocking the adrenaline response seems to help with shame, which helps with the cycle of over work.
Square breathing. When I remember to do it. It becomes one more thing to beat myself up about when I don't.
Best answer: It is probably true that yoga is the only reason I made it through my PhD. More broadly, it was having a regular scheduled time when I had to be in a room without access to my work, doing something with my body in a focused way. Yoga works for me because it is a practice of continual learning and it helps me direct my perfectionism in a better direction (and this tends to be what academics like, so maybe it will also work for you, but maybe not). Yoga can be expensive, but many universities have yoga available through their gyms or fitness programs, YMCAs have classes, and some studios have sliding scale opportunities.
If yoga doesn't appeal, I'd suggest thinking about other forms of physical practice that will get you out of academic-brain and help refresh you, but that will still allow you to feel like you're accomplishing something. Being able to build it into my schedule in a regular way--like, just to say both to myself and everyone around me that I was busy from 5:30-8pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays--was also very important. So even if you're not taking a class or doing something that has that kind of built-in schedule, it might be helpful to block out specific chunks of time that are dedicated to whatever kind of movement you choose. That way you can't forget, and you're less likely to "just work a little bit more" until you've burned through your personal time.
Good luck. This stuff is hard, and academia is an exploitative monster, and we don't talk about enough about either of those realities.
posted by dizziest at 9:07 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
If yoga doesn't appeal, I'd suggest thinking about other forms of physical practice that will get you out of academic-brain and help refresh you, but that will still allow you to feel like you're accomplishing something. Being able to build it into my schedule in a regular way--like, just to say both to myself and everyone around me that I was busy from 5:30-8pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays--was also very important. So even if you're not taking a class or doing something that has that kind of built-in schedule, it might be helpful to block out specific chunks of time that are dedicated to whatever kind of movement you choose. That way you can't forget, and you're less likely to "just work a little bit more" until you've burned through your personal time.
Good luck. This stuff is hard, and academia is an exploitative monster, and we don't talk about enough about either of those realities.
posted by dizziest at 9:07 PM on January 11, 2020 [1 favorite]
Does telling yourself you take breaks to avoid burnout, rather than to be more productive, help?
posted by ellieBOA at 11:03 PM on January 11, 2020
posted by ellieBOA at 11:03 PM on January 11, 2020
Best answer: I took some time off work last year because there was too much happening at once and I couldn't handle it. It was extremely necessary and I didn't feel bad about it, because it was either that or not function at all in any way, so it was a good compromise.
When I'm in times of high stress I just try to take a mental photograph of how I feel and think to myself, self, this is that time, we are overloaded, this feels terrible. This is a little self-IOU that I keep in my brain-wallet until I get some time to cash it in with myself. Then when I do manage to get some down time I remember it and think yes, that was not able to be endured, I was right.
Another thing that helps is knowing how the time off is going to be covered. Do you have a plan for how your income will be increased or your expenses lowered? If so then just focus on how you will be OK during this time. If not, getting together a plan for that might help. Unfortunately in this shitty system of ours if you don't have a plan for it it's probably not a great thing to be doing anyway.
posted by bleep at 12:05 AM on January 12, 2020
When I'm in times of high stress I just try to take a mental photograph of how I feel and think to myself, self, this is that time, we are overloaded, this feels terrible. This is a little self-IOU that I keep in my brain-wallet until I get some time to cash it in with myself. Then when I do manage to get some down time I remember it and think yes, that was not able to be endured, I was right.
Another thing that helps is knowing how the time off is going to be covered. Do you have a plan for how your income will be increased or your expenses lowered? If so then just focus on how you will be OK during this time. If not, getting together a plan for that might help. Unfortunately in this shitty system of ours if you don't have a plan for it it's probably not a great thing to be doing anyway.
posted by bleep at 12:05 AM on January 12, 2020
Best answer: Would a self-care buddy help? It’s hard for me to work without having work buddies so I connect with various friends who also have ADHD and set up mutual work dates, sometimes in person and sometimes remotely. I also do FaceTime yoga with a friend in a different country. We used to do yoga together and then I relocated. It may seem ridiculous, but neither of us have much luck taking the time to do it on our own. So a couple times a week we do it together over FaceTime.
How do I convince myself that I deserve to take time away from work?
I hope you can reframe this question in a way that works for you. Even machines need downtime for repairs or maintenance. You’re a scientist. You know the research. Human beings are not built to be “on” 24/7. Moreover, the research says that people do better work when they take breaks from work. What would you tell a student? Try telling yourself that. And also, just start with 15 minutes. Give yourself a 15 minute break by just walking outside and finding a tree to look at, embrace, or sit under. There is plenty of research supporting the restorative value of exposure to nature. And it doesn’t have to be wilderness. Walking is also good. So maybe start by taking a little walk every morning, or at lunch, or every afternoon. Then start taking longer walks.
Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone. Humans have needs. Do you deserve to breathe? That’s not really the issue. You need to breathe in order to survive and you need to take breaks in order to survive. That may feel annoying or inefficient or frustrating when you feel so overwhelmed by so many demands on your time. I understand those feelings. Nevertheless, allowing yourself to take the breaks you need from work will make your work more efficient and of higher quality than if you don’t. It’s science!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:07 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
How do I convince myself that I deserve to take time away from work?
I hope you can reframe this question in a way that works for you. Even machines need downtime for repairs or maintenance. You’re a scientist. You know the research. Human beings are not built to be “on” 24/7. Moreover, the research says that people do better work when they take breaks from work. What would you tell a student? Try telling yourself that. And also, just start with 15 minutes. Give yourself a 15 minute break by just walking outside and finding a tree to look at, embrace, or sit under. There is plenty of research supporting the restorative value of exposure to nature. And it doesn’t have to be wilderness. Walking is also good. So maybe start by taking a little walk every morning, or at lunch, or every afternoon. Then start taking longer walks.
Thank you for asking this question. You are not alone. Humans have needs. Do you deserve to breathe? That’s not really the issue. You need to breathe in order to survive and you need to take breaks in order to survive. That may feel annoying or inefficient or frustrating when you feel so overwhelmed by so many demands on your time. I understand those feelings. Nevertheless, allowing yourself to take the breaks you need from work will make your work more efficient and of higher quality than if you don’t. It’s science!
posted by Bella Donna at 12:07 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Some of your wording here makes me wonder whether anxiety is a part of this, and whether considering the possibility of meds (or adjustments to same) might buy your brain some quiet and breathing room to start working through things in some of the ways that aren't working for you currently.
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:23 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by quacks like a duck at 1:23 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Best answer: One more thing: I used to believe that I needed to feel like doing something in order to do it. Specifically, in my case, writing. Which is a problem when you write for money. Now I have lots of things in my life scheduled in my phone. They include taking my medicine, work, and appointments. Consider experimenting by putting a walk or a cup of tea or a bath or a day off or whatever in your schedule and then just doing it. Even and especially if you don’t want to do it in that moment. It is uncomfortable, because my brain tries to convince me that I don’t need to do X right then or I should not do X ever or that doing X will hurt me.
In my experience, if I begin doing X the discomfort doesn’t last for more than 15 minutes. It can be hard to stick it out when one’s brain is sending lots of useless information like the examples above or even more insidious messages like, who do you think you are or, you don’t deserve this.
I won’t claim a 100% success rate but I get much more done now, including self-care, because I actually write it down and put it in my schedule. Then I try to stare down the demons when they pop up to interfere. The more I do that, the more often I win.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:47 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
In my experience, if I begin doing X the discomfort doesn’t last for more than 15 minutes. It can be hard to stick it out when one’s brain is sending lots of useless information like the examples above or even more insidious messages like, who do you think you are or, you don’t deserve this.
I won’t claim a 100% success rate but I get much more done now, including self-care, because I actually write it down and put it in my schedule. Then I try to stare down the demons when they pop up to interfere. The more I do that, the more often I win.
posted by Bella Donna at 1:47 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: Sciatrix, I am thinking of you. I came in to say that and to say also that I use a similar idea to Bella Donna's, which is to put self-care items on my task lists. I often make a list for the weekend that has 3 categories and I only let myself put 2-3 items on each one. The categories are: self-care, have-tos, and other. I only put a couple items because if I put too many I get really overwhelmed and can't start on anything (ADHD.) I also set notifications in my phone that pop up and tell me things like, "breathe," "it's okay to be sad," "did you get up and stretch?" "you don't have to be productive today," and the like. They really help me, actually, more than I thought they would. Feel free to reach out to me if you want support.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:48 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by fairlynearlyready at 2:48 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Worrying whether you deserve to take time off is a lot like worrying whether you deserve brakes on your car. You're not deciding _if_ you'll slow down, you're just deciding on whether it will happen smoothly or as part of a sudden catastrophe.
Also -- speaking as manager, employees who can't do time management are a pain in the ass. I end up with sporadically delivered work done by a sleep deprived person. I will happily take 3/4 the amount of work delivered consistently and done by someone with their head on straight. Basically, if you're not managing your time and health then you are almost certainly falling down on the job.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:57 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Also -- speaking as manager, employees who can't do time management are a pain in the ass. I end up with sporadically delivered work done by a sleep deprived person. I will happily take 3/4 the amount of work delivered consistently and done by someone with their head on straight. Basically, if you're not managing your time and health then you are almost certainly falling down on the job.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 2:57 AM on January 12, 2020 [2 favorites]
Best answer: My wife has this problem! When she's feeling especially overworked, she will go looking for additional jobs to apply for. I have had to pry her bodily off of Craigslist a few times. (She also has anxiety and ADHD, so some of the "usual" fixes work for her pretty much like they work for you, which is to say, not at all.) One of her big breakthroughs was accepting that the overwork was, in a weird way, a counterproductive self-soothing trick she'd picked up from her equally-workaholic mother, so making external things the source of the regulation rather than her impulses solved a big chunk of the problem.
Things that have worked:
- Having an agreement where if she wants to add a task or commitment, she has to come talk to me about it first. I don't necessarily say no, but this helps with some of the impulsive-bad-idea situations that she was previously prone to.
- We sit down every few months and look at how many hours she's committed to things. This includes both scheduled stuff (classes, mostly, while she's in school), job requirements (fuzzy and self-directed at the moment, so talking through them really helps), social commitments (we build in time for these because it's important for her emotional well-being) and pet commitments. (Which are a lot.) The first two, including homework/thesis time, should be 40 hours or less. If they're not, we both know perfectly well that she will crash, start failing to meet her commitments, get depressed, and quite possibly end up with a health issue. So this is a pretty firm boundary. Just having a grid of how many actual goddamn hours things take has been very helpful to cross-check her gut feeling that she's not doing enough.
In support of this, too, she is absolutely religious about calendars, timers, and internet blockers. The more she can offload the executive function of managing the schedule, the more controlled it stays.
- We also regularly recheck that the household chores are being distributed according to each of our current capacities, because it varies and can be a source of stress. I'm chronically ill, so my ability to do things around the house ranges from Perfectly Functioning Adult (rarely) to Apologetic Toddler. The way we've been able to make that work is by talking about it explicitly and often, being willing to readjust our standards to the current situation, and agreeing that if it gets too hard to say, maintain a whole house and that my health (or hers) looks like it won't bounce back, we will make big changes if necessary. We're both much happier living in a pit of filth if we know that it's a temporary state that we have an end date for.
- Money stuff is hard. I do the finances in our house because they don't stress me out (they stress Alex out a lot) and I just give her a number that she needs to put in the bank account every month and handle everything else beyond that. As long as she comes up with that number, we're good (enough). That's a cognitive screen that works for us but is probably the least likely thing to translate for you. I sort of feel like finance stuff is a whole other question, though, so I'd start with figuring out how many hours you are committed to spending on the various things you're doing, figure out how to get that to a point where it feels like you at least grok it, and then, if it still seems like it's not working out money-wise, read this finance book and get the big-picture look at whether your income and expenses are even long-term viable.
- Drugs are good, yay drugs. ADHD and anxiety meds are honestly 65% of the solution in our household.
This is all A Lot and I wish you the best of luck with it.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:07 AM on January 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
Things that have worked:
- Having an agreement where if she wants to add a task or commitment, she has to come talk to me about it first. I don't necessarily say no, but this helps with some of the impulsive-bad-idea situations that she was previously prone to.
- We sit down every few months and look at how many hours she's committed to things. This includes both scheduled stuff (classes, mostly, while she's in school), job requirements (fuzzy and self-directed at the moment, so talking through them really helps), social commitments (we build in time for these because it's important for her emotional well-being) and pet commitments. (Which are a lot.) The first two, including homework/thesis time, should be 40 hours or less. If they're not, we both know perfectly well that she will crash, start failing to meet her commitments, get depressed, and quite possibly end up with a health issue. So this is a pretty firm boundary. Just having a grid of how many actual goddamn hours things take has been very helpful to cross-check her gut feeling that she's not doing enough.
In support of this, too, she is absolutely religious about calendars, timers, and internet blockers. The more she can offload the executive function of managing the schedule, the more controlled it stays.
- We also regularly recheck that the household chores are being distributed according to each of our current capacities, because it varies and can be a source of stress. I'm chronically ill, so my ability to do things around the house ranges from Perfectly Functioning Adult (rarely) to Apologetic Toddler. The way we've been able to make that work is by talking about it explicitly and often, being willing to readjust our standards to the current situation, and agreeing that if it gets too hard to say, maintain a whole house and that my health (or hers) looks like it won't bounce back, we will make big changes if necessary. We're both much happier living in a pit of filth if we know that it's a temporary state that we have an end date for.
- Money stuff is hard. I do the finances in our house because they don't stress me out (they stress Alex out a lot) and I just give her a number that she needs to put in the bank account every month and handle everything else beyond that. As long as she comes up with that number, we're good (enough). That's a cognitive screen that works for us but is probably the least likely thing to translate for you. I sort of feel like finance stuff is a whole other question, though, so I'd start with figuring out how many hours you are committed to spending on the various things you're doing, figure out how to get that to a point where it feels like you at least grok it, and then, if it still seems like it's not working out money-wise, read this finance book and get the big-picture look at whether your income and expenses are even long-term viable.
- Drugs are good, yay drugs. ADHD and anxiety meds are honestly 65% of the solution in our household.
This is all A Lot and I wish you the best of luck with it.
posted by restless_nomad at 6:07 AM on January 12, 2020 [8 favorites]
Response by poster: Quick note: my boss is an active component of my "must work more, get more done" pressure, which is part of why reminding myself that productivity is better in well rested people is not working. Negotiating with him is not currently an option.
I'm salaried, so time off will not penalize my finances, but I can't ask my boss for it either. The finances are absolutely not long term stable, but I'm waiting on multiple five figure checks that should eventually help with them from insurance and student loans.
posted by sciatrix at 7:15 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I'm salaried, so time off will not penalize my finances, but I can't ask my boss for it either. The finances are absolutely not long term stable, but I'm waiting on multiple five figure checks that should eventually help with them from insurance and student loans.
posted by sciatrix at 7:15 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh--and generalized anxiety is absolutely an issue, I'm already on meds for that, but also this specific brain thing is a big problem that I need to face down. Med adjustments haven't really helped with it in the past, although less overall stress does seem to.
posted by sciatrix at 7:22 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by sciatrix at 7:22 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
I also respond to overwork stress by thinking of more things I should be working towards and worrying about those. Things I have found helpful include scheduled exercise class (Pilates in my case), latest time to stop working (10pm unless the actual deadline is tomorrow), and latest bed time (1am). I also have some video games that I find very absorbing, and just start playing one on the weekend. All of these things help me limit the amount of time I spend working and thinking about work. I still put in a lot of hours. I basically make rules I must follow, and have a couple of activities that force me to switch out of work brain mode.
posted by plonkee at 7:30 AM on January 12, 2020
posted by plonkee at 7:30 AM on January 12, 2020
Hey OP, my youngest sister was the absolute queen of looking at our dad, nodding yes to whatever bullshit he was demanding, and then going off leaving him with the impression that she had agreed with him while she went off to do whatever she had planned and basically ignore his demands. I get that you cannot do the same thing with your boss. Still, it sounds like a Q to Alison at Ask a Manager or a review of the archives there might be possible. Bosses can ask you to grow feathers and fly but that doesn’t mean you can do it no matter how much they demand it. Alison might have advice on juggling unrealistic demands in a way that reduces stress. Just a thought. We are all rooting for you!
posted by Bella Donna at 11:22 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 11:22 AM on January 12, 2020 [1 favorite]
Lots of likely far more useful suggestions above. But I just wanted to make a quick note about this:
Lecturing myself about how taking breaks makes me a more productive worker.
So, this won't necessarily be the right advice for everyone, but given that it's you... does this approach fit with your fundamental values and politics? Would re-framing it to remind yourself that taking time for yourself and valuing yourself beyond your usefulness/exploitability to your employer is the right thing to do politically be useful? That is, would taking this out of the realm of the personal be more helpful?
For example, one of the things that helped me during some stages of my academic training that involved dealing with difficult people was having a narrative that I wasn't just doing the academic work for me, but that my efforts were part of opening up male-dominated academic fields for women (and academics from more working class backgrounds). Then not only was some of the bullshit more clearly Not About Me, but also the feeling of larger purpose gave me more strength to push through that as well as the stuff that was about me. During times when work-life balance was more of an issue for me, having an anti-capitalist narrative where me setting aside/carefully guarding time for my personal life was a political choice that could have implications for others as well as myself was similarly helpful. Our work-life balance struggles in academia are connected to historical struggles for the 8-hour day, for non-cis/white/able-bodied/male inclusion into public life (economic, as well as intellectual, political, and cultural), etc.(*) Your taking down time and taking care of yourself to not get burnt out is not just about you individually, it's important in significant ways for those like you who will come after you. Or who came before you but thought they couldn't do science despite their interest, and could get motivated by your presence(**).
If any of that is useful and you want readings to kind of back up the political perspective as it specifically relates to the intersection of academia and working class identities, let me know and I can send you recommendations. I can also recommend readings related to being a woman, queer, non-able-bodied, etc. in science, but I suspect you are already at least as well read in these areas as I am. I'm not in your field, but do have some broader experience and contacts and can help research support communities to connect you up with, too, if you'd like. Eg. it's not a short term solution, but we could get something like The Sportula (mentioned in this fpp) organized for folks in your field, or in the sciences more broadly.
(* Connected to pro-capitalist research on productivity a bit, but my new dean (a woman) has a strict policy of not answering email outside of work hours, based on recent research about how people in management positions set expectations around those sort of work-life balance issues through their own actions. This means that often she doesn't answer emails, 'cause there are limited hours in the work day and she has other stuff scheduled. Nothing has fallen apart.)
(** My mother went back to school after seeing an episode of Carl Sagan's Cosmos where they went to ask an astrophysicist about something, and Dr. So-and-So was a young woman - about her age or maybe slightly younger even - who my mother could identify with, and so it was kind of this epiphany moment for her of "oh, that could be me!" But I guarantee you that Dr. So-and-So didn't get on to Cosmos by burning herself out with stress and over-work. Though she probably had a stable financial situation and maybe other advantages that didn't add difficulty on to being a woman in science at the time, I expect.)
posted by eviemath at 2:12 PM on January 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
Lecturing myself about how taking breaks makes me a more productive worker.
So, this won't necessarily be the right advice for everyone, but given that it's you... does this approach fit with your fundamental values and politics? Would re-framing it to remind yourself that taking time for yourself and valuing yourself beyond your usefulness/exploitability to your employer is the right thing to do politically be useful? That is, would taking this out of the realm of the personal be more helpful?
For example, one of the things that helped me during some stages of my academic training that involved dealing with difficult people was having a narrative that I wasn't just doing the academic work for me, but that my efforts were part of opening up male-dominated academic fields for women (and academics from more working class backgrounds). Then not only was some of the bullshit more clearly Not About Me, but also the feeling of larger purpose gave me more strength to push through that as well as the stuff that was about me. During times when work-life balance was more of an issue for me, having an anti-capitalist narrative where me setting aside/carefully guarding time for my personal life was a political choice that could have implications for others as well as myself was similarly helpful. Our work-life balance struggles in academia are connected to historical struggles for the 8-hour day, for non-cis/white/able-bodied/male inclusion into public life (economic, as well as intellectual, political, and cultural), etc.(*) Your taking down time and taking care of yourself to not get burnt out is not just about you individually, it's important in significant ways for those like you who will come after you. Or who came before you but thought they couldn't do science despite their interest, and could get motivated by your presence(**).
If any of that is useful and you want readings to kind of back up the political perspective as it specifically relates to the intersection of academia and working class identities, let me know and I can send you recommendations. I can also recommend readings related to being a woman, queer, non-able-bodied, etc. in science, but I suspect you are already at least as well read in these areas as I am. I'm not in your field, but do have some broader experience and contacts and can help research support communities to connect you up with, too, if you'd like. Eg. it's not a short term solution, but we could get something like The Sportula (mentioned in this fpp) organized for folks in your field, or in the sciences more broadly.
(* Connected to pro-capitalist research on productivity a bit, but my new dean (a woman) has a strict policy of not answering email outside of work hours, based on recent research about how people in management positions set expectations around those sort of work-life balance issues through their own actions. This means that often she doesn't answer emails, 'cause there are limited hours in the work day and she has other stuff scheduled. Nothing has fallen apart.)
(** My mother went back to school after seeing an episode of Carl Sagan's Cosmos where they went to ask an astrophysicist about something, and Dr. So-and-So was a young woman - about her age or maybe slightly younger even - who my mother could identify with, and so it was kind of this epiphany moment for her of "oh, that could be me!" But I guarantee you that Dr. So-and-So didn't get on to Cosmos by burning herself out with stress and over-work. Though she probably had a stable financial situation and maybe other advantages that didn't add difficulty on to being a woman in science at the time, I expect.)
posted by eviemath at 2:12 PM on January 12, 2020 [5 favorites]
Lots of good suggestions about self-care here. I’d like to also look at the other end of the equation to see if something can be done. Not saying that this is necessarily the case for your PhD advisor, but could it be that it’s not a question of working more really and pressuring you to do that, but of prioritizing and finishing certain tasks? From advising PhD students myself and observing others, I see that often a productivity problem is not about not working enough, but working on too many things in parallel and/or getting sidetracked and/or spending a lot of time on improving or even perfecting one part that is already good enough when it would be so much more valuable to finish and submit the whole paper. With any of those reasons, not enough results come out, the advisor gets frustrated and puts on pressure, what seems or, if the advisor hasn’t figured out what hampers productivity, actually is pressure to just “work more”. If I were you (and I’d benefit from doing that myself), I’d look at all the projects I have going on, see if I can just focus on finishing one or two and trying not to start anything new or spreading myself too thin. And check where good enough would be good enough and pushing back on perfectionism if that’s a problem. I hope you get some breathing space soon!
posted by meijusa at 11:46 AM on January 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by meijusa at 11:46 AM on January 13, 2020 [1 favorite]
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posted by Mouse Army at 8:47 PM on January 11, 2020 [4 favorites]