Learning to get in touch with your emotions
January 4, 2020 4:42 PM Subscribe
My partner has requested my help in finding books on how to get past emotional numbness / unawareness. This has been an on-going issue for him his whole life, as he comes from a family who did not express or talk about emotions. He believes this led him to subconsciously repress all his emotions, to the point that most of the time he feels neutral, numb, or does not know how a situation is making him feel.
He has a hard time recognizing emotions in himself and others, whether positive or negative, especially the subtle cues leading up to a strong emotion. Oftentimes an unrecognized negative emotion will cause him to get upset about other, small things for some time before the deeper issue can be brought to light and resolved. He does deal constructively with his negative emotions, generally by taking space once he recognizes how he is feeling and waiting to re-engage once he is calmer.
Links to hard copy books would be the most useful. He prefers actual books to online reading or courses. Therapy is also not an option, as he lives in a very remote area and resources of this type are unavailable. I have checked past Asks on this topic but the suggestions seem to mostly be focused on dealing with strong emotions or applying emotional intelligence at work.
Thank you MeFites!
He has a hard time recognizing emotions in himself and others, whether positive or negative, especially the subtle cues leading up to a strong emotion. Oftentimes an unrecognized negative emotion will cause him to get upset about other, small things for some time before the deeper issue can be brought to light and resolved. He does deal constructively with his negative emotions, generally by taking space once he recognizes how he is feeling and waiting to re-engage once he is calmer.
Links to hard copy books would be the most useful. He prefers actual books to online reading or courses. Therapy is also not an option, as he lives in a very remote area and resources of this type are unavailable. I have checked past Asks on this topic but the suggestions seem to mostly be focused on dealing with strong emotions or applying emotional intelligence at work.
Thank you MeFites!
It's a breakthrough that he sees the problem with such clarity. He is to be applauded for that step.
I understand and sympathize with the desire to read a book to address this problem. This would once have been my approach as well.
But I don't think studying a book can correct this. In fact, I think his intellectualization of things is a part of what keeps him from perceiving emotions and knowing his own emotional state. He needs a situation where he can perceive and express emotions in a safe place. That, I think, is group therapy.
IANYD.
That being written, I understand that where he lives that may not be an alternative. I can't recommend any of these books, but this Amazon search might be a start.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:24 PM on January 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
I understand and sympathize with the desire to read a book to address this problem. This would once have been my approach as well.
But I don't think studying a book can correct this. In fact, I think his intellectualization of things is a part of what keeps him from perceiving emotions and knowing his own emotional state. He needs a situation where he can perceive and express emotions in a safe place. That, I think, is group therapy.
IANYD.
That being written, I understand that where he lives that may not be an alternative. I can't recommend any of these books, but this Amazon search might be a start.
posted by tmdonahue at 5:24 PM on January 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Might the be open to trying Dialectal Behavior Therapy? This is the workbook my therapist recommended: The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. It has helped me identify my emotions better and work on adjusting my in-the-moment responses.
posted by carrioncomfort at 5:43 PM on January 4, 2020 [4 favorites]
posted by carrioncomfort at 5:43 PM on January 4, 2020 [4 favorites]
This is just an overview, but I think it's a helpful one. Especially the point about allowing oneself to experience and process negative emotions. Also naming and tracking emotions.
Was going to mention the feelings wheel (of which there are many versions) but I see it was covered.
I wonder if he would have any interest in this article? It's about how a gamer used techniques from CBT and DBT to reflect on why he was getting so angry while playing.
The mood log worksheet it references is available here and while it would probably be most useful used in conjunction with actual therapy it's perfectly possible to just use it as its own thing.
Finally, I say this semi-jokingly but also seriously, if your husband is the type to enjoy to watch kids' cartoons, some of what's out there right now is amazing at actually teaching kids how to process feelings. Obviously this depends on whether your husband is going to feel insulted or infantilized by this. But if they do go for this type of pop culture Steven Universe or The Dragon Prince are just two that spring to mind. Yes, the emotions are more simple, it's a kids cartoon, but it is a way to explicitly learn about this stuff.
posted by Wretch729 at 5:53 PM on January 4, 2020 [3 favorites]
Was going to mention the feelings wheel (of which there are many versions) but I see it was covered.
I wonder if he would have any interest in this article? It's about how a gamer used techniques from CBT and DBT to reflect on why he was getting so angry while playing.
The mood log worksheet it references is available here and while it would probably be most useful used in conjunction with actual therapy it's perfectly possible to just use it as its own thing.
Finally, I say this semi-jokingly but also seriously, if your husband is the type to enjoy to watch kids' cartoons, some of what's out there right now is amazing at actually teaching kids how to process feelings. Obviously this depends on whether your husband is going to feel insulted or infantilized by this. But if they do go for this type of pop culture Steven Universe or The Dragon Prince are just two that spring to mind. Yes, the emotions are more simple, it's a kids cartoon, but it is a way to explicitly learn about this stuff.
posted by Wretch729 at 5:53 PM on January 4, 2020 [3 favorites]
The thing that helped me the most was to make it a habit to stop and ask myself (as often as i thought about) What am I feeling right now?. When you aren't used to paying attention to them, the signals can be quiet and easily over looked. The more you ask yourself, the better you get a recognizing what is going to the point that now I sometimes even moderate emotions are strong enough to make me stop and think "oh, I'm having a feeling about this" instead of just having thoughts.
One thing I found helpful was to find a list of emotions to use as a prompt. It is often easier to say "well, it is kind of like this but not quite and it is a little bit of that" instead of trying to come up with a label from scratch. It's OK if he can't the exact word, just practice identifying the right neighborhood is helpful.
Feeling don't have to be strong to count - if he is watching TV, does he feel focused, amused, relaxed, tense, or curious or some combination of something completely different?
In the same way, when he says he isn't having feelings - what does that feel like? Empty? Frozen? Tense? Vigilant?
This article has some nice information about how experts think about feelings. Table 2.1 gives some components to the emotional experience beyond just the subjective feeling. Sometimes thinking about the other parts (what's the action tendency? the appraisal/meaning? the physical response?) can help you figure out more about what the feeling is about.
If you google for feelings wheel, he can find lots of examples and see if any are helpful as prompts. Personally, I like this list from the Nonviolent Communications folks - I find it quicker to scan for the key words and then hone in on what I'm looking for than trying to scan a wheel but whatever works is fine.
posted by metahawk at 5:55 PM on January 4, 2020 [7 favorites]
One thing I found helpful was to find a list of emotions to use as a prompt. It is often easier to say "well, it is kind of like this but not quite and it is a little bit of that" instead of trying to come up with a label from scratch. It's OK if he can't the exact word, just practice identifying the right neighborhood is helpful.
Feeling don't have to be strong to count - if he is watching TV, does he feel focused, amused, relaxed, tense, or curious or some combination of something completely different?
In the same way, when he says he isn't having feelings - what does that feel like? Empty? Frozen? Tense? Vigilant?
This article has some nice information about how experts think about feelings. Table 2.1 gives some components to the emotional experience beyond just the subjective feeling. Sometimes thinking about the other parts (what's the action tendency? the appraisal/meaning? the physical response?) can help you figure out more about what the feeling is about.
If you google for feelings wheel, he can find lots of examples and see if any are helpful as prompts. Personally, I like this list from the Nonviolent Communications folks - I find it quicker to scan for the key words and then hone in on what I'm looking for than trying to scan a wheel but whatever works is fine.
posted by metahawk at 5:55 PM on January 4, 2020 [7 favorites]
Mod note: I'm not deleting anything, in case these suggestions of alternate routes help the OP, but they do ask for book suggestions, so please focus on those from here on out!
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:40 PM on January 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee (staff) at 6:40 PM on January 4, 2020 [1 favorite]
This book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. It discusses how subtle disengagement and distance in childhood can hinder our adult emotional life and how to connect more deeply with ourself and then with others.
In addition I would say reading lots of fiction that has strong emotions, like Flowers for Algernon or The Road would be beneficial.
I would also reccomend he take up the practice of journaling and not share his journal with you or anyone else so that he has the freedom to write about his true feelings and reflect on them.
Together you might read and talk about The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner .
posted by SyraCarol at 8:47 PM on January 4, 2020 [7 favorites]
In addition I would say reading lots of fiction that has strong emotions, like Flowers for Algernon or The Road would be beneficial.
I would also reccomend he take up the practice of journaling and not share his journal with you or anyone else so that he has the freedom to write about his true feelings and reflect on them.
Together you might read and talk about The Dance of Intimacy by Harriet Lerner .
posted by SyraCarol at 8:47 PM on January 4, 2020 [7 favorites]
"House Rules: A Novel - When your son can’t look you in the eye . . . does that mean he’s guilty? Jacob Hunt is a teen with Asperger’s syndrome. He’s hopeless at reading social cues or expressing himself well to others, though he is brilliant in many ways. [...]
The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome - The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is the definitive handbook for anyone affected by Asperger's syndrome (AS). Now including a new introduction explaining the impact of DSM-5 on the diagnosis and approach to AS, it brings together a wealth of information on all aspects of the syndrome for children through to adults."
via
And despite being located in a very remote area, therapy may be available (MeFi Wiki), especially with the rise of telemedicine.
posted by katra at 9:08 PM on January 4, 2020
The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome - The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is the definitive handbook for anyone affected by Asperger's syndrome (AS). Now including a new introduction explaining the impact of DSM-5 on the diagnosis and approach to AS, it brings together a wealth of information on all aspects of the syndrome for children through to adults."
via
And despite being located in a very remote area, therapy may be available (MeFi Wiki), especially with the rise of telemedicine.
posted by katra at 9:08 PM on January 4, 2020
Gary Zukav Heart of the Soul
Very woo BUT has wonderful explanations about how to scan your body and physically feel how you are feeling.
Sometimes people get confused they think feelings are thoughts. Thoughts and feelings are linked but first of all to know how you’re feeling you have to know how your BODY feels. This book helps you do that.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:33 PM on January 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
Very woo BUT has wonderful explanations about how to scan your body and physically feel how you are feeling.
Sometimes people get confused they think feelings are thoughts. Thoughts and feelings are linked but first of all to know how you’re feeling you have to know how your BODY feels. This book helps you do that.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:33 PM on January 4, 2020 [2 favorites]
It's not always Depression by Hilary Jacobs Handel really helped me with this problem. It has a useful model for understanding how emotions are suppressed and how to work back to the core emotions.
posted by crocomancer at 2:46 AM on January 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
posted by crocomancer at 2:46 AM on January 5, 2020 [2 favorites]
I'll second DBT, though it is better in person. When I was in a DBT group (about 2002) we used Marsha Linehan's book. She was the developer of DBT. Here's a newer edition.
I also just looked at the emotion wheel WCityMike posted. I'm so printing that out for myself as naming emotions is something I struggle with. I highly recommend printing it out if he can.
Journeling is also a good idea. I did it a lot when I started therapy for abuse. I'm starting again this year. I'm using Day One (iOS or Mac only) and so far it's going well. You can get a yearly subscription with additional features, but the free version is working well for me right now.
Good luck to him.
posted by kathrynm at 9:27 AM on January 5, 2020
I also just looked at the emotion wheel WCityMike posted. I'm so printing that out for myself as naming emotions is something I struggle with. I highly recommend printing it out if he can.
Journeling is also a good idea. I did it a lot when I started therapy for abuse. I'm starting again this year. I'm using Day One (iOS or Mac only) and so far it's going well. You can get a yearly subscription with additional features, but the free version is working well for me right now.
Good luck to him.
posted by kathrynm at 9:27 AM on January 5, 2020
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posted by Miko at 4:59 PM on January 4, 2020 [4 favorites]