Recommend me a book about communication in relationships

December 22, 2019 8:23 PM

Looking for a book that will explain how to communicate well in relationships and some basic Gottman stuff (4 horsemen, etc.). For a couple that can’t, for sundry reasons, go to therapy, and have mutually committed to self directed learning instead. I am interested in why you like particular titles. I’m already familiar with most of the titles and authors themselves, but I’m specifically interested in what is valuable about each title. Don’t lecture me about going vs. not going to therapy, please.
posted by unstrungharp to Human Relations (10 answers total)

Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. I found it helpful in thinking through why people might have very strong reactions to certain situations and statements. An attack on a perennial "raw spot" for the listener may have been perceived as a totally minor comment by the speaker. What is intended isn't what is heard. I am despondent/enraged when I feel like I'm being dismissed or condescended to, and in the majority of cases, that's not the intended message. But it's not just on me to hear correctly, it's also on my partner to take care and consider where those raw spots have yet to be healed and vice versa.
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:51 PM on December 22, 2019

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel totally changed the way I looked at committed monogamous partnerships by taking apart the assumptions and core beliefs about monogamy. I think about that book all the time - it has been so helpful to me and my relationship.
posted by fairlynearlyready at 10:31 PM on December 22, 2019

My partner and I just listened to a new audiobook by Terry Real called Fierce Intimacy. It’s excellent. It explained so much to me about me and my partner as well as current and former relationships. He has a lot of great communication ideas, some of which my partner and I have already started using with success.
posted by bluedaisy at 10:41 PM on December 22, 2019

+1 to Hold Me Tight. My partner and I are in couples counseling with a therapist who uses that framework/process. It has really improved our relationship.
posted by elmay at 7:00 AM on December 23, 2019

We did 8 Dates by the Gottman's but you have to actually talk so I'm not sure if "self directed learning" means you don't want to do that. It was the best relationship experience I've ever had, and I am far better for it. You will learn a lot about why and how people approach the same problem vastly differently due to past experiences in the literature, then you'll explore that with open-ended questions. We had some really surprising breakthroughs, and we'd only been dating for 2-3 months at that point. I suggested we do it to get stronger, not because anything was wrong, and it worked great.

If I had to use an example to show what the book is like, the money chapter opens with a story about two men who have a "we should save" vs. "we should enjoy life" mentality to a big inheritance. When they go on the date, they learn that one person had his father die very young (he wanted to enjoy life) and the other had his parents really struggling financially through hard times (he wanted to save). Their experiences led them very logically to these different places, but once they understood that, they were able to work out a plan that took into account everyone's needs.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:26 AM on December 23, 2019

Definitely not looking for non-monogamy stuff. Seeking a prescriptive how-to guide/framework for how to navigate conflict.
posted by unstrungharp at 7:36 AM on December 23, 2019

The first two chapters of 8 Dates are about trust & commitment and then conflict. Conflict was the best chapter by far, I learned some very important stuff about my partner that she wasn't aware of until we started talking about our childhoods.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:26 AM on December 23, 2019

I’m not the person who recommended it above, but just want to note that Mating In Captivity is not a “non-monogamy” book. It is a book about intimacy in long term monogamous relationships, and depending on the nature of your conflicts could be quite helpful.

Also agree with Hold Me Tight.
posted by jeoc at 5:05 PM on December 23, 2019

I am reading “The Dance of Connection” and it’s great so far, though it’s not just about romantic relationships.
Communication is usually only part of it. I found “Wired for Love” to be a very nice gentle guide to attachment styles in relationships. It’s definitely aligned with the Gottman view of the world. Esther Perel is also fantastic.
posted by 8k at 2:15 AM on December 24, 2019

A new one (to me) - Five-Minute Relationship Repair, by Susan Campbell and John Grey. They go into detail about the processes of co-triggering core fears (and getting further in the Hole, where your partner's words are interpreted through the filter of your worst-case-scenario story). I'm not done reading it, but I think it gives some complementary advice to Hold Me Tight.
posted by spamandkimchi at 6:32 PM on January 1, 2020