Not losing the plot
December 4, 2019 7:25 AM Subscribe
Are you a person that used to react to what is right in front of you without taking a step back to see things in context? Are you a person that felt a sense of immediacy to address grievances, and couldn't prioritize them but then learned how to do so? Please tell me how you changed this.
I am trying to fix my side of the street in close relationships. I contribute to a negative environment by not picking my battles. I do not think about the bigger picture before I try to bring up a grievance. Everything is always the same level of importance. I've been given feedback that the signal to noise ratio is not conducive to effective listening.
I have promised my partner that I would work on condensing my requests for change, grievances, complaints etc to 2-3 "family meetings" per week and I need help with organizing myself in my thinking and emotions to support containing things in this way vs "this just happened and I'm aggravated and need to address it right now even though my partner just worked 14 hours and is getting a cold and my timing is probably bad." Can you help?
I am trying to fix my side of the street in close relationships. I contribute to a negative environment by not picking my battles. I do not think about the bigger picture before I try to bring up a grievance. Everything is always the same level of importance. I've been given feedback that the signal to noise ratio is not conducive to effective listening.
I have promised my partner that I would work on condensing my requests for change, grievances, complaints etc to 2-3 "family meetings" per week and I need help with organizing myself in my thinking and emotions to support containing things in this way vs "this just happened and I'm aggravated and need to address it right now even though my partner just worked 14 hours and is getting a cold and my timing is probably bad." Can you help?
I guess I am one of those people. I get easily provoked and also feel instant pity for the underdog. One of the ways I am trying to react impulsively to rude and mean people is by promising myself to not get provoked for the next 10 days no matter how strong the provocation. I will extend it gradually.
posted by Lazylord at 7:51 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Lazylord at 7:51 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
I tend to feel like this when there's a bigger need that's not getting met/discussed. It may not be immediately obvious; it can be something pouring over into the relationship like "I hate my job but can't quit" or a specifically relationship thing like "I feel like you're pulling away and need reassurance."
Be extra nice to / patient with yourself and see what shakes out. Keep a list of grievances / when they came up to look for patterns and see if they're still a big deal in a couple days.
posted by momus_window at 8:27 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Be extra nice to / patient with yourself and see what shakes out. Keep a list of grievances / when they came up to look for patterns and see if they're still a big deal in a couple days.
posted by momus_window at 8:27 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Keep a list of grievances / when they came up to look for patterns and see if they're still a big deal in a couple days.
I came to say more or less this. I've set myself a rule that I will not bring anything up unless I've journaled about it and waited at least 24 hours. If I'm not sure it's worthwhile after 24 hours, I wait another 24 and journal some more. It's amazing how often things resolve themselves or simply prove not to be what I thought they were by the end of that timeframe.
If they are important enough to raise, I actually prepare by mapping out some talking points so that my main issues get addressed.
As mentioned above, dealing with the overall level of stress and anxiety in life has also helped. Things like meditation, yoga, etc. that give you some perspective on your own thoughts--so that you can respond rather than just react--might be worth exploring.
posted by rpfields at 9:15 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
I came to say more or less this. I've set myself a rule that I will not bring anything up unless I've journaled about it and waited at least 24 hours. If I'm not sure it's worthwhile after 24 hours, I wait another 24 and journal some more. It's amazing how often things resolve themselves or simply prove not to be what I thought they were by the end of that timeframe.
If they are important enough to raise, I actually prepare by mapping out some talking points so that my main issues get addressed.
As mentioned above, dealing with the overall level of stress and anxiety in life has also helped. Things like meditation, yoga, etc. that give you some perspective on your own thoughts--so that you can respond rather than just react--might be worth exploring.
posted by rpfields at 9:15 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
Something that helped me: think back to your instagrievance of, say, two months ago. What was it? Can you even remember it? Probably not. Something that had you blowing your fuse instantaneously is now something you have no memory of (or maybe have to struggle to remember). Odds are good that you'll feel the same way--or, really, NOT feel--about whatever the affront of the moment is. Take a breath and ask yourself whether you'll care about this in two months.
(I also agree with those above who say this can be a result of untreated anxiety, which can definitely manifest itself as severe irritability.)
posted by praemunire at 9:17 AM on December 4, 2019
(I also agree with those above who say this can be a result of untreated anxiety, which can definitely manifest itself as severe irritability.)
posted by praemunire at 9:17 AM on December 4, 2019
Can you create a reminder of some sort about the fact that you don't actually know what's ultimately for the best, and maybe something that is annoying you could be serving a beneficial purpose that you don't know about yet? Give it time to shake out until the meeting? Lots of things that I've gotten riled up about in the moment and demanded to bend to my will, actually worked out better the way they were going without my intervention-- better for me and better for others. Maybe you could think of a pithy phrase to sum that up for yourself, or carry around a symbol of the idea.
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:19 AM on December 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 9:19 AM on December 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is not a complete solution, but a mind game recommended to me by a therapist is to imagine you're on a reality show that everyone you know watches.
posted by dotparker at 9:27 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by dotparker at 9:27 AM on December 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
This song/idea from Mr. Rogers helps me:
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
Some pragmatic ideas (from the song actually):
- doing a physical activity (like jumping jacks)
- reach out to a friend to do something you enjoy
One other thing: Buddhify taught me a technique where I name the feeling and imagine it as a cartoon character. So you might say “hello frustration” and picture what it is wearing.
Overall, I think I try to remember that there are the facts of what happened and then there are my feelings about it. When I need to react RIGHT AWAY it’s usually because I want to stop feeling what I’m feeling and make someone else feel it instead. It works to stop me feeling all of the feelings, but in the process I’ve been unkind to someone else. Sometimes just remembering this helps me take a beat. I try to think “ok, feel this feeling for 2 minutes.” The feeling never usually lasts that long...
posted by CMcG at 9:42 AM on December 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
I can stop when I want to
Can stop when I wish
I can stop, stop, stop any time.
And what a good feeling to feel like this
And know that the feeling is really mine.
Know that there's something deep inside
That helps us become what we can.
Some pragmatic ideas (from the song actually):
- doing a physical activity (like jumping jacks)
- reach out to a friend to do something you enjoy
One other thing: Buddhify taught me a technique where I name the feeling and imagine it as a cartoon character. So you might say “hello frustration” and picture what it is wearing.
Overall, I think I try to remember that there are the facts of what happened and then there are my feelings about it. When I need to react RIGHT AWAY it’s usually because I want to stop feeling what I’m feeling and make someone else feel it instead. It works to stop me feeling all of the feelings, but in the process I’ve been unkind to someone else. Sometimes just remembering this helps me take a beat. I try to think “ok, feel this feeling for 2 minutes.” The feeling never usually lasts that long...
posted by CMcG at 9:42 AM on December 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
Age helps. And really internalizing that what I was doing was harmful to my ultimate goals (professional advancement, happy family life). You have to truly accept that you need to love your relationship more than you love solving the problem immediately. Once you have just ONE experience in deferring your reaction, you'll start to see how it benefits you, and it will snowball.
posted by schwinggg! at 10:11 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by schwinggg! at 10:11 AM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
My mom is like this. Between a crappy childhood immediately followed by a long and unfulfilling marriage, she has a lifetime of not being seen and not getting things she wants or needs, and that dynamic plays out in her life every single day where she is exceptionally hard on and aggressively uncompromising with people to get what she wants. She and I have talked about how this is a GREAT skill to have when it comes to a customer service department who is jerking you around or whatever, but it's so very unhelpful and alienating when it comes to the people you love and actually want to have around you for a long time to come. I can see her now trying to change the pattern.
posted by anderjen at 11:01 AM on December 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by anderjen at 11:01 AM on December 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
I have been like this. Working on my anxiety helped a lot. Other things that helped include mindfulness meditation so I got more used to the difference between having a feeling/emotion and having to act on that emotion RIGHT NOW. Sitting with your discomfort is a good thing to learn to do, especially within a relationship. And it might work to learn to put grievances in buckets at a basic level. Maybe your partner can help you with this but maybe it's something for you to work out with someone else. So like
- I feel weird/bad about this and I'd like to talk about it when it's convenient
- I feel weird/bad about this and need to resolve some of this before I move on to other things
- I feel weird/bad about this and it's a potentially deal breaking issue
The goal, to my mind is to move things towards the first and last categories with, presumably, very few things in the last category. Because, at some level, you're in this relationship because you like it, not because you're one foot out the door at all time (if that is the case, there is something different going on).
One of the things that literally helped me was "Why don't you just give this a year and see how it goes?" and working on getting comfortable with some of the low-level "You leave your socks around" issues on my own. Granted, especially in cishet relationships, women are encouraged to lump their own feelings in favor of relationship harmony so the two of you need to check that this is not a pattern you are falling into. If that is the problem and you're not able to resolve that sort of thing, couples counseling may be helpful.
posted by jessamyn at 12:29 PM on December 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
- I feel weird/bad about this and I'd like to talk about it when it's convenient
- I feel weird/bad about this and need to resolve some of this before I move on to other things
- I feel weird/bad about this and it's a potentially deal breaking issue
The goal, to my mind is to move things towards the first and last categories with, presumably, very few things in the last category. Because, at some level, you're in this relationship because you like it, not because you're one foot out the door at all time (if that is the case, there is something different going on).
One of the things that literally helped me was "Why don't you just give this a year and see how it goes?" and working on getting comfortable with some of the low-level "You leave your socks around" issues on my own. Granted, especially in cishet relationships, women are encouraged to lump their own feelings in favor of relationship harmony so the two of you need to check that this is not a pattern you are falling into. If that is the problem and you're not able to resolve that sort of thing, couples counseling may be helpful.
posted by jessamyn at 12:29 PM on December 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
My therapist and I talked about having these big emotional reactions. I had some panic attacks a few years ago, and she helped me learn some good techniques for regulating my physical self. She and I recently discussed that these same techniques can work for any strong emotion. So, basically: squeeze and breathe. Contract and release your fists and other muscles, which helps dissipate any adrenaline that's built up in your system; and then focus on breathing to keep your circulation going. Her recommendation was to practice this when I'm not feeling these strong emotions so I can more easily do this when I do have strong emotions.
Making a list and journaling is also tremendously helpful. But also... sometimes when we feel unheard or disrespected, we raise issues and grievances when we feel we have an audience for them. Do you have an anxious attachment style? You might be participating in protest behaviors (like, when your partner gets home after a 14-hour day, you are looking for some acknowledgement and connection, and if you don't get that, you pick a fight to try to get some attention).
So the bigger question is: what are your unmet needs and what you are doing to meet those needs?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:54 PM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Making a list and journaling is also tremendously helpful. But also... sometimes when we feel unheard or disrespected, we raise issues and grievances when we feel we have an audience for them. Do you have an anxious attachment style? You might be participating in protest behaviors (like, when your partner gets home after a 14-hour day, you are looking for some acknowledgement and connection, and if you don't get that, you pick a fight to try to get some attention).
So the bigger question is: what are your unmet needs and what you are doing to meet those needs?
posted by bluedaisy at 12:54 PM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think you should put a moratorium on airing grievances out loud entirely for at least a month, maybe longer. Take them to a notebook or Word document instead, privately, and have that conversation with yourself first and work through it on your own before you bring it to the table. It sounds like you're struggling so much with impulse control that half-measures aren't going to work and you need to take the entire show back to the rehearsal studio for a while. Dig in to the roots of these injustices first, examine them, figure out what you really-really mean and what it is you actually need instead of just "ALERT ALERT I HAVE A FEELING". Prepare your remarks. Do your background work. Present a well-considered topic for discussion.
Sometimes, when people are anxious or insecure in a situation, they become superhypersensitive to any kind of discomfort, so that every papercut is a machete wound. So it can be extremely difficult to use best practices of "sitting with the discomfort" when it all feels like you're dying, but you can strengthen that muscle and get better and better at holding for processing first and reacting after processing. You'll get better at processing, too, as you practice the holding part. I just think that the bright line of "say nothing for right now until you get this better under control" would be the most helpful to you because - though it will suuuuuck at first because you're just bursting with information to deliver - it means there's no decision to make. Every time you take a breath to do this, unless it is literally a matter of safety, don't. Take it to your journal. Being aggravated is not an obligation to share the aggravation.
After a month or so of gathering this data and processing it and looking at the patterns, you will be able to prioritize and you will be able to speak to the important issues that require negotiation with another person, and you might also gain some insight into things that frequently push your buttons but you could fix yourself by reframing.
You have to do the work. It's not a switch you can flip, and it's mostly not a book you can read (I mean, there are definitely thousands of books on interpersonal communication, and workbooks, and therapy, but you will have to engage with that material and process it and put new workflows into place). It's like getting better at a sport or at math or a new language: you have to want to be better at this and do your skill-strengthening exercises on a regular basis.
I strongly suspect that your partner is throwing you a very frustrated bone by negotiating down to multiple scheduled grievance sessions a week, which is entirely too often for an actual functioning relationship. I think you should go back to them and tell them you're going to take it offline for a bit instead, maybe set a date some time in January to have a review talk about the bigger picture instead of every single moment you have a discomfort. This will come as a relief to them, rather than hunkering down to wait for thrice-weekly critique sessions forever.
Couples counseling is really good for communication coaching, teaching the same communication methodology to both of you in the same room at the same time, and might be something to put on the radar for next steps.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:06 PM on December 4, 2019 [16 favorites]
Sometimes, when people are anxious or insecure in a situation, they become superhypersensitive to any kind of discomfort, so that every papercut is a machete wound. So it can be extremely difficult to use best practices of "sitting with the discomfort" when it all feels like you're dying, but you can strengthen that muscle and get better and better at holding for processing first and reacting after processing. You'll get better at processing, too, as you practice the holding part. I just think that the bright line of "say nothing for right now until you get this better under control" would be the most helpful to you because - though it will suuuuuck at first because you're just bursting with information to deliver - it means there's no decision to make. Every time you take a breath to do this, unless it is literally a matter of safety, don't. Take it to your journal. Being aggravated is not an obligation to share the aggravation.
After a month or so of gathering this data and processing it and looking at the patterns, you will be able to prioritize and you will be able to speak to the important issues that require negotiation with another person, and you might also gain some insight into things that frequently push your buttons but you could fix yourself by reframing.
You have to do the work. It's not a switch you can flip, and it's mostly not a book you can read (I mean, there are definitely thousands of books on interpersonal communication, and workbooks, and therapy, but you will have to engage with that material and process it and put new workflows into place). It's like getting better at a sport or at math or a new language: you have to want to be better at this and do your skill-strengthening exercises on a regular basis.
I strongly suspect that your partner is throwing you a very frustrated bone by negotiating down to multiple scheduled grievance sessions a week, which is entirely too often for an actual functioning relationship. I think you should go back to them and tell them you're going to take it offline for a bit instead, maybe set a date some time in January to have a review talk about the bigger picture instead of every single moment you have a discomfort. This will come as a relief to them, rather than hunkering down to wait for thrice-weekly critique sessions forever.
Couples counseling is really good for communication coaching, teaching the same communication methodology to both of you in the same room at the same time, and might be something to put on the radar for next steps.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:06 PM on December 4, 2019 [16 favorites]
I strongly suspect that your partner is throwing you a very frustrated bone by negotiating down to multiple scheduled grievance sessions a week, which is entirely too often for an actual functioning relationship.
This is an excellent point. If you're needing to air grievances or make complaints more often, it's time to take a bigger look at the relationship and your life as a whole. Are you this unhappy in all of your relationships? Then maybe your intimate relationship isn't the particular problem. But if you are chronically unhappy and activated in your most intimate relationship, there's a bigger picture to consider.
Have you read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:16 PM on December 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is an excellent point. If you're needing to air grievances or make complaints more often, it's time to take a bigger look at the relationship and your life as a whole. Are you this unhappy in all of your relationships? Then maybe your intimate relationship isn't the particular problem. But if you are chronically unhappy and activated in your most intimate relationship, there's a bigger picture to consider.
Have you read Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment?
posted by bluedaisy at 2:16 PM on December 4, 2019 [2 favorites]
"react to what is right in front of you without taking a step back"
Yep.
"a sense of immediacy to address grievances, and couldn't prioritize them"
Also yep.
My inability to press pause was due to undiagnosed adhd. Weekly therapy and adhd meds have helped a lot.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 3:17 PM on December 4, 2019
Yep.
"a sense of immediacy to address grievances, and couldn't prioritize them"
Also yep.
My inability to press pause was due to undiagnosed adhd. Weekly therapy and adhd meds have helped a lot.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 3:17 PM on December 4, 2019
I want to underscore the mentions of mindfulness above and suggest specific mindfulness resources. I realize mindfulness is buzzwordy. But as I work my way through the legit mindfulness materials (there's a lot of junk out there), every time something seems about to be super cringey or eye-roll-inducing, it isn't. It often turns out that it applies to me exactly. Also, mindfulness isn't about finding peace. It's about observing what is around and happening without judging and reacting willy-nilly. It's not about being calm. You can be mindful and angry - but you are in control of your self and not mindlessly reacting.
Start with Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living." I listened to it as an audio book and it seemed to be a good way to take it in. Many libraries have it. After that do "Mindfulness for Beginners." I know the order seems wrong, but this is the right way to go.
Also look for MBSR classes, mindfulness based stress reduction. They can be rewarding. Some may be available online. Most use Kabat-Zinn's books, as he started the first MBSR classes.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:29 PM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Start with Jon Kabat-Zinn's "Full Catastrophe Living." I listened to it as an audio book and it seemed to be a good way to take it in. Many libraries have it. After that do "Mindfulness for Beginners." I know the order seems wrong, but this is the right way to go.
Also look for MBSR classes, mindfulness based stress reduction. They can be rewarding. Some may be available online. Most use Kabat-Zinn's books, as he started the first MBSR classes.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:29 PM on December 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Wanting to air grievances 3x a week is A LOT of grievances.... Is it possible your partner’s just an asshole? Seems like they’re giving you A LOT of things to feel upset about!
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:31 PM on December 4, 2019
posted by nouvelle-personne at 9:31 PM on December 4, 2019
Are you a person that used to react to what is right in front of you without taking a step back to see things in context?
Yes. I have the unique experience of a life-changing event that changed our relationship forever (diagnosis of cancer for my partner, ultimate death). This of course is an extreme, but real and intense life situations to navigate together makes you realize regular grievances are a total waste of time and energy. Moving on I have instilled this in friendships and other relationships that what matters most is not the petty arguments. Perhaps personally define what you expect in that other person and instead of burdening them with weekly grievances consider if this is the right person for you. In my current relationship, we maybe have 'grievances' once every few months. Small things are not worth it. It's possible to find that scenario and person, trust me.
posted by hillabeans at 7:35 AM on December 5, 2019
Yes. I have the unique experience of a life-changing event that changed our relationship forever (diagnosis of cancer for my partner, ultimate death). This of course is an extreme, but real and intense life situations to navigate together makes you realize regular grievances are a total waste of time and energy. Moving on I have instilled this in friendships and other relationships that what matters most is not the petty arguments. Perhaps personally define what you expect in that other person and instead of burdening them with weekly grievances consider if this is the right person for you. In my current relationship, we maybe have 'grievances' once every few months. Small things are not worth it. It's possible to find that scenario and person, trust me.
posted by hillabeans at 7:35 AM on December 5, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 7:47 AM on December 4, 2019 [7 favorites]