Worried about moving away from my elderly mother for 1-year
November 17, 2019 1:45 AM Subscribe
I've recently accepted a great job opportunity, but it's about 5 hours away from where I currently live. I'm excited for it and it's only for 1-year. However, I'm starting to worry about a specific scenario that could happen to my elderly mother while I'm away and I've been thrown into an anxiety spiral.
So, my mom is in her mid-70s and for a variety of reasons (untreated mental illness, my father passing away a few years ago) she's basically a shut-in. She begrudgingly leaves the house to go to her doctor's appointments every 3 months, but that's pretty much it. She's takes care of her basic needs pretty well, considering everything. Her lack of independence is frustrating as a lot of stuff falls on me.
I buy her groceries, her bills are automatically paid, etc., seems to be happy frittering away her time at home doing word searches, playing on her ipad, and watching the weather network.
I was all excited to move and thinking I had everything in place. I'll probably be visiting the city once every two weeks, so it all seemed to be going well, until... I wondered what would happen in a REAL medical emergency.
She doesn't have any major medical issues, but she had a very weird medical emergency (won't go into the details)... but she called me panicked about something that was happening, didn't know what to do, I ended up driving home and calling EMS who took her to emerg to get everything sorted out. I was there with her from the evening to the early hours of the morning, and eventually took her home. It turned out to just be a freak thing that happened, there were further tests that didn't show anything "wrong," so who knows if that would specifically happen again, but she's getting older and something COULD happen again. I'm stumped at creating a plan that would make me worry less about this situation.
What really complicates everything is that my mom has no close friends/family here. For the past 20 years, she's really alienated any close friend/relatives she's had in the area. There is really no one else for her to depend on and I'm kind of freaking out. What would we do in that scenario if I was living 4.5 hours away? When I was on my way (barely 15 minutes away) she refused to call 911 for help! It was so irritating, I was the one that had to do it!
Like, in all reality she should be living in an assisted living facility, but she won't hear of it so there's not much to do on that front.
I do have some current co-workers that I'm close with, who I think I'm considering asking if they'd be willing to help if there was a medical emergency with my mom, but... that might be kind of weird? Two of her neighbours have been her neighbours since, well, forever... so I'm also wondering if it would be appropriate to approach them and tell them that I'm moving away for a year and... i guess if there's an emergency could they let me know and vice versa?
In this scenario, I guess I'm oddly worried about how she'd get HOME from the hospital. Like, what if she didn't have enough cash, or she forgot to grab cash, or whatever for a cab? Senior transport services need to be booked days in advance. Could I arrange an uber for her from a distance? I rarely take uber myself, so I'm not sure if I trust them.
I was so excited for my job opportunity and thought everything was in place, but now I cannot stop worrying about this situation that may or may not even happen. I know I would feel a lot less anxious if I had a concrete plan set up.
So, my mom is in her mid-70s and for a variety of reasons (untreated mental illness, my father passing away a few years ago) she's basically a shut-in. She begrudgingly leaves the house to go to her doctor's appointments every 3 months, but that's pretty much it. She's takes care of her basic needs pretty well, considering everything. Her lack of independence is frustrating as a lot of stuff falls on me.
I buy her groceries, her bills are automatically paid, etc., seems to be happy frittering away her time at home doing word searches, playing on her ipad, and watching the weather network.
I was all excited to move and thinking I had everything in place. I'll probably be visiting the city once every two weeks, so it all seemed to be going well, until... I wondered what would happen in a REAL medical emergency.
She doesn't have any major medical issues, but she had a very weird medical emergency (won't go into the details)... but she called me panicked about something that was happening, didn't know what to do, I ended up driving home and calling EMS who took her to emerg to get everything sorted out. I was there with her from the evening to the early hours of the morning, and eventually took her home. It turned out to just be a freak thing that happened, there were further tests that didn't show anything "wrong," so who knows if that would specifically happen again, but she's getting older and something COULD happen again. I'm stumped at creating a plan that would make me worry less about this situation.
What really complicates everything is that my mom has no close friends/family here. For the past 20 years, she's really alienated any close friend/relatives she's had in the area. There is really no one else for her to depend on and I'm kind of freaking out. What would we do in that scenario if I was living 4.5 hours away? When I was on my way (barely 15 minutes away) she refused to call 911 for help! It was so irritating, I was the one that had to do it!
Like, in all reality she should be living in an assisted living facility, but she won't hear of it so there's not much to do on that front.
I do have some current co-workers that I'm close with, who I think I'm considering asking if they'd be willing to help if there was a medical emergency with my mom, but... that might be kind of weird? Two of her neighbours have been her neighbours since, well, forever... so I'm also wondering if it would be appropriate to approach them and tell them that I'm moving away for a year and... i guess if there's an emergency could they let me know and vice versa?
In this scenario, I guess I'm oddly worried about how she'd get HOME from the hospital. Like, what if she didn't have enough cash, or she forgot to grab cash, or whatever for a cab? Senior transport services need to be booked days in advance. Could I arrange an uber for her from a distance? I rarely take uber myself, so I'm not sure if I trust them.
I was so excited for my job opportunity and thought everything was in place, but now I cannot stop worrying about this situation that may or may not even happen. I know I would feel a lot less anxious if I had a concrete plan set up.
My mother did this for years with her own mother. She lived and worked 6 hours away. It was exhausting and difficult and there were countless emergencies.
There are differences in the situations, but I want to reassure you that it's possible to weather emergencies from a distance. It's not easy or pleasant. But you will find a way to deal with it, IF it happens. You will.
A few times my mother did lean on her own friends for help. Driving to a doctor's appointment or home from the hospital. It WAS uncomfortable for my mom to ask for this, but that's what friendship is about. Not always fun and roses. They did it for her (my mom) and it created a deep gratitude that will always exist in their friendship. You know my mother would bend over backwards to help them, if she ever felt she could do something similar.
You should talk to the neighbors and let them know you're not going to be around. The only thing I would ask of them would be to maybe go over and check on her if you're having trouble getting a hold of her. To be in contact if they notice anything strange. If they help, maybe thank them and give them a small gift to show your appreciation.
I'm sure others will have great advice to help you set up a plan. But, in my experience medical emergencies ignore the F out of your plans, so I'd encourage you to familiarize yourself with your options/resources and then trust yourself to Handle it when/if the time comes.
Lastly, even if you gave up your job to stay there, that's definitely no guarantee that you can stave off disaster if disaster wishes to strike. I'm sure you know that!
posted by hannahelastic at 3:54 AM on November 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
There are differences in the situations, but I want to reassure you that it's possible to weather emergencies from a distance. It's not easy or pleasant. But you will find a way to deal with it, IF it happens. You will.
A few times my mother did lean on her own friends for help. Driving to a doctor's appointment or home from the hospital. It WAS uncomfortable for my mom to ask for this, but that's what friendship is about. Not always fun and roses. They did it for her (my mom) and it created a deep gratitude that will always exist in their friendship. You know my mother would bend over backwards to help them, if she ever felt she could do something similar.
You should talk to the neighbors and let them know you're not going to be around. The only thing I would ask of them would be to maybe go over and check on her if you're having trouble getting a hold of her. To be in contact if they notice anything strange. If they help, maybe thank them and give them a small gift to show your appreciation.
I'm sure others will have great advice to help you set up a plan. But, in my experience medical emergencies ignore the F out of your plans, so I'd encourage you to familiarize yourself with your options/resources and then trust yourself to Handle it when/if the time comes.
Lastly, even if you gave up your job to stay there, that's definitely no guarantee that you can stave off disaster if disaster wishes to strike. I'm sure you know that!
posted by hannahelastic at 3:54 AM on November 17, 2019 [4 favorites]
In a similar situation one of the neighbours was willing to take on some caretaking (shopping, cooking, distributing medication, fetching the doctor if necessary) in exchange for a small stipend. If the neighbours you know are of a similar age, maybe they know someone in the neighbourhood who does similar errands for other elderly people? In our case the neighbour also has the keys and can hold down the fort until the 24 hours or so it can take one of us to get there.
posted by I claim sanctuary at 4:09 AM on November 17, 2019
posted by I claim sanctuary at 4:09 AM on November 17, 2019
In a similar situation, a friend of mine talked to a local cab company and they developed a relationship where I think it was one or two drivers would provide transportation for appointments as well as (in her case) transportation to a weekly activity (bingo). It was set up like a corporate account.
In my city there are also community organizations that will set up seniors wellness calls/visits, so you could look into that.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:42 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
In my city there are also community organizations that will set up seniors wellness calls/visits, so you could look into that.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:42 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
My mother ended up at the hospital, in her nightie, no shoes or wallet or house keys once. The hospital managed to get in touch with me so that I could open her door and be there to let her in when she arrived, scrounged clothes for her from a bin they keep at the hospital and even found shoes and sent her home in a taxi.
Now this was Canada, so I don't know if your hospital keeps a small bin of second hand clothes for stranded people in their nighties, or if they have a taxi fund like our hospital does, but I can absolutely assure you that hospitals deal with people who have no idea how to get home after being brought in, in an emergency all the time. Just because you don't know how she will get home doesn't mean that she won't get home. There are almost certainly procedures of some kind that they follow when these situations happen. But you're probably in the States and from everything I've heard I can't swear that your hospital will look after her. For all I know they would refuse to discharge her in order to rack up more fees.
Contact your local social worker department and ask them what would happen if this scenario took place. Contact your local home-care assistance company and ask them what they can provide - a weekly person to check in? An escort home on short notice? Put sufficient cash money to get her home from the hospital in an envelope and magnet it to the fridge. Taxi drivers wait warily outside while someone runs in for money all the time. Set up an account for her at your local taxi company, so she can charge cabs, if the envelope of taxi fare home doesn't sound like it will work. Blackmail your mother into agreeing that if you demand she call 911 she will do so, on threat of you sending social workers to do a home assessment and remove her from her home. (Phrase it more tactfully, of course, "Mum, we need to keep you able to live at home as long as possible...")
You will soon be at the point that your mother will need more help than you can provide while still holding down a job. You've been doing fine, there has been no urgency to get this kind of back up set up, but it's time to look into things and start. If not this year, within five years you will have to start having outside help.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:07 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Now this was Canada, so I don't know if your hospital keeps a small bin of second hand clothes for stranded people in their nighties, or if they have a taxi fund like our hospital does, but I can absolutely assure you that hospitals deal with people who have no idea how to get home after being brought in, in an emergency all the time. Just because you don't know how she will get home doesn't mean that she won't get home. There are almost certainly procedures of some kind that they follow when these situations happen. But you're probably in the States and from everything I've heard I can't swear that your hospital will look after her. For all I know they would refuse to discharge her in order to rack up more fees.
Contact your local social worker department and ask them what would happen if this scenario took place. Contact your local home-care assistance company and ask them what they can provide - a weekly person to check in? An escort home on short notice? Put sufficient cash money to get her home from the hospital in an envelope and magnet it to the fridge. Taxi drivers wait warily outside while someone runs in for money all the time. Set up an account for her at your local taxi company, so she can charge cabs, if the envelope of taxi fare home doesn't sound like it will work. Blackmail your mother into agreeing that if you demand she call 911 she will do so, on threat of you sending social workers to do a home assessment and remove her from her home. (Phrase it more tactfully, of course, "Mum, we need to keep you able to live at home as long as possible...")
You will soon be at the point that your mother will need more help than you can provide while still holding down a job. You've been doing fine, there has been no urgency to get this kind of back up set up, but it's time to look into things and start. If not this year, within five years you will have to start having outside help.
posted by Jane the Brown at 5:07 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
First, let me say that I admire and respect you for your response to this situation. Whatever you decide to do, you are amazing and deserve all possible praise.
Second, my two cents:
If you are in the U.S. (no idea how this works elsewhere), investigate local (to your mother) geriatric care services. It may not be the exact solution you need, but it could lead to other resources available to your mother.
Ime, an annual fee and an interview (with you and your mother) will get you on their list. The interviewer will be the person who deals with your mother, so you get to interview them too. Services they supply are billed by the quarter hour. But wow, when you need them, you need them.
I'd never heard of these services until I met with an attorney who specialized in geriatric law. She and her sister had used a geriatric care service for their mother. I've since shared this info with other adult caregiver friends. Knowledge is power, particularly if you are a caregiver.
Anecdote:
My mother was in an assisted living facility. Two weeks after I registered her with a geriatric care service (Pathfinder in Minneapolis, and I cannot recommend them highly enough), I was out of town (at a funeral) when the facility called an ambulance and sent my mother to the hospital. The facility called me. I called the geriatric care service. The registered nurse who was my mother's caseworker went to the ER and dealt with everything. She made sure my mother knew she was being taken care of properly. She got my mother settled (in the renal care unit) and communicated with the hospital staff (better than I could have, I suspect) for the 30 hours it took for my brother to drive there from Tennessee and take responsibility.
I think the total bill for the RN's services was about two hundred dollars, and the annual retainer was two hundred dollars, but this was eight years ago, so now lord knows. But I would have paid a lot more than that for the peace of mind it bought me until I could get home.
Good luck!
posted by no prediction available at 5:09 AM on November 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
Second, my two cents:
If you are in the U.S. (no idea how this works elsewhere), investigate local (to your mother) geriatric care services. It may not be the exact solution you need, but it could lead to other resources available to your mother.
Ime, an annual fee and an interview (with you and your mother) will get you on their list. The interviewer will be the person who deals with your mother, so you get to interview them too. Services they supply are billed by the quarter hour. But wow, when you need them, you need them.
I'd never heard of these services until I met with an attorney who specialized in geriatric law. She and her sister had used a geriatric care service for their mother. I've since shared this info with other adult caregiver friends. Knowledge is power, particularly if you are a caregiver.
Anecdote:
My mother was in an assisted living facility. Two weeks after I registered her with a geriatric care service (Pathfinder in Minneapolis, and I cannot recommend them highly enough), I was out of town (at a funeral) when the facility called an ambulance and sent my mother to the hospital. The facility called me. I called the geriatric care service. The registered nurse who was my mother's caseworker went to the ER and dealt with everything. She made sure my mother knew she was being taken care of properly. She got my mother settled (in the renal care unit) and communicated with the hospital staff (better than I could have, I suspect) for the 30 hours it took for my brother to drive there from Tennessee and take responsibility.
I think the total bill for the RN's services was about two hundred dollars, and the annual retainer was two hundred dollars, but this was eight years ago, so now lord knows. But I would have paid a lot more than that for the peace of mind it bought me until I could get home.
Good luck!
posted by no prediction available at 5:09 AM on November 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
Is there a person who lives relatively near your mother that you can pay a monthly fee to check in on her?
For example when I have to go away, I pay someone to stay at my house and look after the cat. I pay her 50 bucks if nothing happens (she likes staying here as it’s a break from her roommates, so I just leave her $50, a bottle of wine, and some snacks)... and then I add an additional $50 (or a negotiated rate) each time she has to deal with any issue- like if she needs to call a repair person or whatever.
What if you put a neighbour on retainer:
for $200 a month, they drop in to see her twice, and on each visit they
- Phone ahead to see if she needs prescriptions or groceries
- Shop and bring groceries (you can give them a credit card just for her needs)
- Hang out with her for half an hour
- Facilitate a video chat with you while they’re there, or text you a photo and update
- And maybe they also phone her every 3 days or so, for a 5 minute wellness chat.
- And they check their messages to be “on call” for her.
If there’s any kind of emergency, they take care of her same way you would, and that flips to an hourly rate.
Also, Uber is great, and yes, rides can be arranged remotely although I’m not sure what the max distance for that is. Try using it a few times to build trust and familiarity with the app before you need it in an emergency.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:39 AM on November 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
For example when I have to go away, I pay someone to stay at my house and look after the cat. I pay her 50 bucks if nothing happens (she likes staying here as it’s a break from her roommates, so I just leave her $50, a bottle of wine, and some snacks)... and then I add an additional $50 (or a negotiated rate) each time she has to deal with any issue- like if she needs to call a repair person or whatever.
What if you put a neighbour on retainer:
for $200 a month, they drop in to see her twice, and on each visit they
- Phone ahead to see if she needs prescriptions or groceries
- Shop and bring groceries (you can give them a credit card just for her needs)
- Hang out with her for half an hour
- Facilitate a video chat with you while they’re there, or text you a photo and update
- And maybe they also phone her every 3 days or so, for a 5 minute wellness chat.
- And they check their messages to be “on call” for her.
If there’s any kind of emergency, they take care of her same way you would, and that flips to an hourly rate.
Also, Uber is great, and yes, rides can be arranged remotely although I’m not sure what the max distance for that is. Try using it a few times to build trust and familiarity with the app before you need it in an emergency.
posted by nouvelle-personne at 6:39 AM on November 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
You can absolutely put in place supports that you need to in order to take this job. Without knowing your location I can't give you specific recommendations (maybe contact a mod and ask them to add a location to your post?) Groceries and transportation have been discussed already but there's also Medical Alert Systems for emergencies if your mom falls or needs help and can't get to a phone. I got this for my semi-recluse ipad-addicted mom who lived a plane ride away from me and it gave me extra peace of mind. Oh, and now that I think about it, I also remember calling a cab company, giving them my credit card, and having them charge me for her trips to the doctor/grocery/whathaveyou.
posted by girlpublisher at 7:53 AM on November 17, 2019
posted by girlpublisher at 7:53 AM on November 17, 2019
My mom is a little younger than yours, but she's widowed now and lives alone. I live outside of the state, am frequently in another country, and am the only child. I worry about her a lot. She frequently pushes herself to her physical limits, had a TIA a few years ago, and has the annoying habit of not answering her cell or home phone.
When my stepfather died last year, I installed a bunch of Ring cameras around the property because she felt unsafe alone. She also got one setup indoors to watch the dog when she's at work. I'm secretly glad about the indoor one because since she can be difficult to get a hold of, I can check the outside cameras and the indoor one to make sure she hasn't fallen or something. I can also generally take a look at her physical state, since asking how she is only results in "I'm fine." The cameras also have an audio feature where I can listen and talk. I didn't expect using Ring this way, but I'm really glad I can visually check up on her. Is this, or something similar, and option for you to install?
My mother's coworkers and neighbors play a huge role in caretaking. I never asked them to do so, they just are really close with my mom and stepped up. I would totally reach out to your own coworkers and your mother's neighbors and ask them for help.
Does your mom's neighborhood have any grocery delivery? Some supermarkets offer this service directly, without being affiliated with an app.
posted by vivzan at 8:23 AM on November 17, 2019
When my stepfather died last year, I installed a bunch of Ring cameras around the property because she felt unsafe alone. She also got one setup indoors to watch the dog when she's at work. I'm secretly glad about the indoor one because since she can be difficult to get a hold of, I can check the outside cameras and the indoor one to make sure she hasn't fallen or something. I can also generally take a look at her physical state, since asking how she is only results in "I'm fine." The cameras also have an audio feature where I can listen and talk. I didn't expect using Ring this way, but I'm really glad I can visually check up on her. Is this, or something similar, and option for you to install?
My mother's coworkers and neighbors play a huge role in caretaking. I never asked them to do so, they just are really close with my mom and stepped up. I would totally reach out to your own coworkers and your mother's neighbors and ask them for help.
Does your mom's neighborhood have any grocery delivery? Some supermarkets offer this service directly, without being affiliated with an app.
posted by vivzan at 8:23 AM on November 17, 2019
Every part of the US has an Area Agency on Aging; find yours, get advice. They should be able to put you in touch with any services available.
- Start getting some groceries delivered just to get her used to the idea.
- Make sure she has supplies like canned soups, ginger ale, cold meds.
- Ask people for help in advance so it's easier to call when it's urgent.
- The camera idea is a possibility.
Get her a smartphone and teach her to use skype or any video chat; she will be happier with face-to-face calls. A smartphone seems better value and more versatile than other devices, and unless she is impaired, get a regular one. And set it up to be very easy - charger next to the bed, and another at her favorite chair. I'm in my 60s, had a fall 2 years ago that was really scary, though I was okay. I try to stay in reach of the phone. Send pictures via text, or other fun stuff; that's how she'll learn to use it.
Safety. Make sure there are flashlights, smoke/ carbon monoxide alarms, make sure area rugs are secured. On my idiotic stove, it's hard to see if a burner is on; I used red nail polish on the knobs to correct that. Grab bar in the shower, handheld shower attachment, maybe a stool if the shower's big enough - the bathroom has lots of danger potential.
Thanks for taking such good care of her.
posted by theora55 at 8:37 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
- Start getting some groceries delivered just to get her used to the idea.
- Make sure she has supplies like canned soups, ginger ale, cold meds.
- Ask people for help in advance so it's easier to call when it's urgent.
- The camera idea is a possibility.
Get her a smartphone and teach her to use skype or any video chat; she will be happier with face-to-face calls. A smartphone seems better value and more versatile than other devices, and unless she is impaired, get a regular one. And set it up to be very easy - charger next to the bed, and another at her favorite chair. I'm in my 60s, had a fall 2 years ago that was really scary, though I was okay. I try to stay in reach of the phone. Send pictures via text, or other fun stuff; that's how she'll learn to use it.
Safety. Make sure there are flashlights, smoke/ carbon monoxide alarms, make sure area rugs are secured. On my idiotic stove, it's hard to see if a burner is on; I used red nail polish on the knobs to correct that. Grab bar in the shower, handheld shower attachment, maybe a stool if the shower's big enough - the bathroom has lots of danger potential.
Thanks for taking such good care of her.
posted by theora55 at 8:37 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
One thing I wished I had when going through an emergency with my aging parent was a checklist or flowchart of things to take care of. Thinking logically in an emergency can be difficult, and in a heightened state it’s easy to miss a few things that can come back and be a real hassle later on. When my dad was recently hit by a tow truck, my mom, brother and I all showed up on the scene but didn’t manage to get the driver’s car insurance policy information. We all assumed someone else had done it, and getting the information from the police report took several days, which delayed us from being able to book my dad’s follow-up doctor’s appointments.
Could you come up with a list of actions to take, people to contact and information to collect in case of an emergency? For example, could you have a list of people (neighbors, coworkers and elderly caregivers) to contact with their phone numbers at the ready? Have you scanned the backs and fronts of all of her ID and medical cards, and could you have these organized into a file so you could easily email them to somebody if you needed to? If it’s an accident involving cars, have you tasked one person with collecting the other driver’s insurance information and getting the information of the police precinct from which you can get a report? Can you have an emergency bag packed and ready for your mom so that someone can just grab the bag and bring it to your mom at the hospital so she’ll have her immediate needs covered? Could you leave a large sign inside the house and close to the entrance that says “in the event of an emergency, please call x at y and grab the emergency bag located here,” perhaps with an envelope containing her medical cards and ID, some cash for a cab, and a list of important people and phone numbers?
Care.com might also be a decent option for finding immediate care for your parent. You can find caregivers that specialize in elderly care there, and the site provides star ratings and profiles so you can get a sense of whether they’d be a good fit. If I were you, I’d contact a few caregivers in your area, interview them (maybe with your mom present), and let them know that you might contact them in the event of an emergency. Then I’d have three or four of these people on speed dial so at least one of them could help on short notice.
posted by saltypup at 11:29 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Could you come up with a list of actions to take, people to contact and information to collect in case of an emergency? For example, could you have a list of people (neighbors, coworkers and elderly caregivers) to contact with their phone numbers at the ready? Have you scanned the backs and fronts of all of her ID and medical cards, and could you have these organized into a file so you could easily email them to somebody if you needed to? If it’s an accident involving cars, have you tasked one person with collecting the other driver’s insurance information and getting the information of the police precinct from which you can get a report? Can you have an emergency bag packed and ready for your mom so that someone can just grab the bag and bring it to your mom at the hospital so she’ll have her immediate needs covered? Could you leave a large sign inside the house and close to the entrance that says “in the event of an emergency, please call x at y and grab the emergency bag located here,” perhaps with an envelope containing her medical cards and ID, some cash for a cab, and a list of important people and phone numbers?
Care.com might also be a decent option for finding immediate care for your parent. You can find caregivers that specialize in elderly care there, and the site provides star ratings and profiles so you can get a sense of whether they’d be a good fit. If I were you, I’d contact a few caregivers in your area, interview them (maybe with your mom present), and let them know that you might contact them in the event of an emergency. Then I’d have three or four of these people on speed dial so at least one of them could help on short notice.
posted by saltypup at 11:29 AM on November 17, 2019 [1 favorite]
Congratulations on the new job! I think you could hire an assistant for the coming year, someone to do the grocery shopping you're now doing for your mother. Some type of Medic-Alert system for your mother is also an excellent idea, and would be even if you were staying local -- she was able to call you for the weird emergency, but that's not always an option and she does live alone.
Speaking of living alone: would your mother be open to a boarder? Someone who would take on some household tasks in exchange for reduced rent? One of my neighbors is doing this right now; her roommate is a nursing student. The roommate rents out the spare bedroom, gets the trash bins to the curb, and runs a couple of regular errands throughout the month.
I'm not sure how your mother's untreated mental illness and current avoidance behaviors would color her interactions with someone new. Whether she's agoraphobic, misanthropic, or something else, if her doctor is not aware of her limited day-to-day activities, please inform them; at the very least, she made need Vitamin D supplementation. You may be looking for someone in a more traditional trained, caregiver role, rather than an assistant or lodger.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:14 PM on November 17, 2019
Speaking of living alone: would your mother be open to a boarder? Someone who would take on some household tasks in exchange for reduced rent? One of my neighbors is doing this right now; her roommate is a nursing student. The roommate rents out the spare bedroom, gets the trash bins to the curb, and runs a couple of regular errands throughout the month.
I'm not sure how your mother's untreated mental illness and current avoidance behaviors would color her interactions with someone new. Whether she's agoraphobic, misanthropic, or something else, if her doctor is not aware of her limited day-to-day activities, please inform them; at the very least, she made need Vitamin D supplementation. You may be looking for someone in a more traditional trained, caregiver role, rather than an assistant or lodger.
posted by Iris Gambol at 1:14 PM on November 17, 2019
If in the US there are tons of programs for seniors without lots of social support targeted at various demographics to keep them at home longer. Some of them are just social programs where somebody comes by once a week and chats for an hour, some of then are meal delivery programs, some of them include health aids or homemaker services that complete basic errands.
Some of these programs are covered by medicaid (see home based community waivers in your state for US details) some of these programs are volunteered based and some people pay hourly.
In a real emergency you'll call EMS and find a way to get there. There will be a delay but you will be able to be involved. For the day to day stuff you can work on getting her connected to something that just checks up on her every once in awhile.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:18 AM on November 18, 2019
Some of these programs are covered by medicaid (see home based community waivers in your state for US details) some of these programs are volunteered based and some people pay hourly.
In a real emergency you'll call EMS and find a way to get there. There will be a delay but you will be able to be involved. For the day to day stuff you can work on getting her connected to something that just checks up on her every once in awhile.
posted by AlexiaSky at 6:18 AM on November 18, 2019
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If your mother calls you with a medical emergency you call the emergency services. It is irrelevant if you’re down the road or overseas.
You could absolutely arrange a ride to the dr, from the hospital etc remotely if required. Also check with the hospital social worker. They have to discharge elderly people who live alone regularly.
You can also arrange food delivery to her house.
posted by koahiatamadl at 2:08 AM on November 17, 2019 [17 favorites]