Do I cancel this trip?

November 8, 2019 12:08 PM

I was going to visit someone romantically. Then I find out this person is dating our mutual friend when I thought otherwise. Do I cancel the trip?

I have been getting to know someone well who lives in a different city, "Sutton."

However, we have a mutual friend who I met her through, "Avery." Initially, Avery was interested in her. Then Sutton made it clear she was interested in me. I asked Avery if it was ok we explored things, and Avery gave permission.

Fast forward two months. Sutton flew up to see me, and we had a great time. Sutton was very forward about her interest and finding another time to hang out. We've been talking almost every day. Sutton says that she is not interested in Avery. I make plans to fly to her city.

Then I let Avery know I am going to visit her (as more of a FYI). Avery tells me that Sutton has also been talking and that they were talking about a date.

I call Sutton and she confirms but says it's "ambiguous" and assures me that we are more compatible.

Overall I find the situation super weird. I don't care if we date other people - the issue is that it's not what I thought the situation was based on Sutton's communication. And I definitely don't want to date someone my mutual friend is dating.

I am not sure how to move forward. I think I need to cut my losses and not go on this trip anymore. It's a big bummer as I found a lot of things about her really interesting...but I would feel very uncomfortable seeing her. Am I overreacting?

posted by pando11 to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Eject eject eject!
posted by praemunire at 12:09 PM on November 8, 2019 [31 favorites]

Best answer: Yes, I think I wouldn't make this trip.

This year, for the first time in my life, I've been seeing a therapist to work on myself. One of those things I'm working on is trying to get better at recognizing that my emotions about certain events are quite good guides about what does and does not qualify as a red flag. The way you're asking this question seems like you may be getting the feeling that the honesty/concealment angle of this situation is a red flag. If that's how you feel about it, that is indeed a sensible way to feel.

That said, avoiding this trip doesn't necessarily mean that your only option is to drop out of contact with Sutton. It may mean, simply, that something doesn't feel right enough to make this trip right now.
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 12:12 PM on November 8, 2019 [32 favorites]

I would cancel the trip.
posted by dobbs at 12:13 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Sutton, while allowed to handle her dating life how she wants, seems less interested in you than you are in her. On top of that, since you find the situation very uncomfortable, it seems that there isn't really much you'd be getting out of this visit except more frustration and discomfort.

You could keep talking to her and reschedule your trip for when the situation brings you less discomfort and confusion. Right now does not seem like a good time to go.
posted by Everydayville at 12:13 PM on November 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

Well, no-one has had the Exclusivity Conversation yet, and you all know about each other, so this is... kinda standard for dating these days?

I'm not seeing an objective problem, and (to be blunt), you've got to be in it to win it. But if you're not comfortable, then bail.
posted by Capt. Renault at 12:15 PM on November 8, 2019 [4 favorites]

Not overreacting to me. I personally would not go because it seems like Sutton hasn't been entirely straightforward with you.
posted by anderjen at 12:20 PM on November 8, 2019 [5 favorites]

Sutton is setting you up to feel like you're competing for her attention. At best its immature and thoughtless and at worst this is how Sutton deals with everyone because she's incapable of or uninterested in honesty and authentic relationships with people she views as equal to herself.

I wouldnt go, in fact I'd probably not talk to Sutton again. She seems like a big headache.
posted by fshgrl at 12:30 PM on November 8, 2019 [9 favorites]

Unless Sutton is a spectacular catch (and I’m not getting that from what you’ve written) you would be risking a lot of drama for a questionable gain. Probably best to walk away.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 12:31 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Wow this is some obvious triangulation and I would not be a fan. I would cancel.
posted by Young Kullervo at 12:39 PM on November 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

Then Sutton made it clear she was interested in me. I asked Avery if it was ok we explored things, and Avery gave permission. ... Sutton says that she is not interested in Avery. ... Avery tells me that Sutton has also been talking and that they were talking about a date. ... I call Sutton and she confirms but says it's "ambiguous" and assures me that we are more compatible.

This is definitely confusing. It sounds sort of like Sutton has a monogamous framework but isn't dating exclusively right now. If you are going to date non-exclusively, it would be good to be able to have open, honest conversations about that. I get why it's awkward to be dating someone who is dating a friend of yours. So communication is really important.

It does sound like Sutton is playing the field a bit. Maybe she's not super interested in Avery but likes Avery's interest in her. It's hard to say. But I would probably give it one more chance via a conversation before I made a decision.
posted by bluedaisy at 12:44 PM on November 8, 2019

It seems like Sutton is being kind of shitty to Avery, and maybe Avery is not being very nice to you either. I mean, you asked her permission to pursue things with Sutton, then she kind of went behind your back when it was her turn.

I also think this is how you wind up with a girlfriend who is also stringing someone else along in an "ambiguous" relationship (aka a "side chick".) And maybe this is what Avery gets as well (after all, Sutton may be telling her that her relationship with YOU is ambiguous.)

This sounds like a recipe for drama, heartache and broken friendship down the road. If I were you I would not go unless and until you are satisfied that all parties are on the exact same page about what is going on, and then only if you feel comfortable about competing with a possibly-underhanded friend romantically.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:14 PM on November 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

Avery seems on the level but Sutton seems to be a game-player. non-exclusive dating is not a/the problem, but this 'failure to communicate' is a red flag.
posted by supermedusa at 1:44 PM on November 8, 2019 [8 favorites]

this feels so high school. unless you are in fact in high school i would just write this shit off.
posted by poffin boffin at 2:04 PM on November 8, 2019 [20 favorites]

A (future) relationship can't be made based on game playing. As someone above wrote, "feels so high school." These sort of things we allowed to happen to ourselves in high school etc. before we got mature enough to say, "No." If it were me in your situation, I'd say "No." and not just to the trip. There's nothing good to be gained from a continued relationship with a person who doesn't know his/her own feelings. And a lot bad. Move on.
posted by tmdonahue at 2:22 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

It’s rare that there’s such a clear cut answer to a question on this site but this is one such occasion. No, no, no. There is no good outcome that can eventuate from moving forward with this situation and potential for so many hurt feelings, broken friendships and drama.
posted by Jubey at 2:32 PM on November 8, 2019

Sutton says that she is not interested in Avery. I make plans to fly to her city.

Then I let Avery know I am going to visit her (as more of a FYI). Avery tells me that Sutton has also been talking and that they were talking about a date.

I call Sutton and she confirms but says it's "ambiguous" and assures me that we are more compatible.

Not sure how much time has elapsed here but I would find the conflict between "I am not interested in Avery" and Sutton confirming the date to be either outright disingenuous or that maybe Sutton doesn't know their own mind. Which is fine, things happen, but if you're investing in plane tickets and are looking for more of a serious thing, this may not be for you.

I guess I'd also ask: where does Avery live? Because if both of you are long distance to Sutton then I might be more on the fence (though wondering if Sutton also saw Avery when they visited you) but if Avery and Sutton live in the same place and you don't? I wouldn't continue getting involved.

I agree with others, this does seem sorta normal in the "dating around" world but also totally understand why you wouldn't want to be involved in this. I think I'd let Avery know "Hey, I don't want to be dating Sutton if you are sating them also" and then see where it goes from there but presume that you might be wrapping things up with Sutton.
posted by jessamyn at 3:20 PM on November 8, 2019 [2 favorites]

I would go on the trip. Sounds like Avery and Sutton have chemistry, but things are developing more seriously with you. Go on the trip, see if you want to date exclusively, and if you do, do that. I don’t see why it’s wrong for Sutton to flirt and I think she’s being up front when she says she likes you more. I just don’t see this as a crisis point or even that dramatic, I guess.
posted by rue72 at 3:38 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I reconnected with Sutton and told her I wasn't comfortable with going on the trip anymore. Then Avery called saying that there is a misunderstanding and that this impending date wasn't really one, etc. etc. It's a very big reversal from yesterday, and it doesn't reassure me that Sutton was ready to engage and just yesterday said it was "ambiguous."

As I type this, I know it sounds super high school. And I am wondering if I should still cut my losses with this new information...
posted by pando11 at 3:45 PM on November 8, 2019 [4 favorites]

Still cut them and go on a nice weekend away by yourself imo
posted by Chrysalis at 4:22 PM on November 8, 2019 [6 favorites]

Yeah nah. These are some mind games to throw you off or I have no idea why they think this is cool. Forget it.
posted by Young Kullervo at 4:57 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

There’s a crowd, and Sutton is long-distance anyway. Having to compete against your friend for this woman’s affections sounds like the plot of a bad movie starring Chris Pine. It would be a bullshit situation even if you didn’t have to pay hundreds of dollars for a plane ticket to participate in it. No thank you.

It sucks to click with someone and then be immediately disappointed, but better now than further down the road when you’re more emotionally invested.
posted by Autumnheart at 5:28 PM on November 8, 2019 [7 favorites]

Are you usually someone who bails too soon or gets invested too quickly? If you sometimes bail too soon and feel like you don’t give things a chance, I’d say to give it a shot and go. If you’re someone who usually over-invests too quickly, maybe step back.

If you go, you’ll probably have a fun time and can talk about these things and see if this has potential. If you don’t go, you’ll never know.
posted by bluedaisy at 8:46 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

Your heart is important. You should not bet it on this person/these people, who, yeah, are acting like flakey high schoolers. You’re an adult, you deserve an adult relationship.
posted by blueberry at 9:38 PM on November 8, 2019 [1 favorite]

I suspect this may be more par for the course among queer women than in straight dating circles.FWIW. This post feels.... Familiar.

BUT.

"When people tell you who they are, believe them." --Maya Angelou.

Signing up to date Sutton is signing up for a certain amount of uncertainty and, yes, maybe drama. If you're ok with that, go! If you're not ok with that, cancel! We can't read her mind nor know what your boundaries are, but it sounds from your tone like this isn't something you're comfortable with.
posted by athirstforsalt at 10:32 PM on November 8, 2019 [7 favorites]