Good get to know you questions

October 29, 2019 3:27 AM

So I have had two dates with a new man and it is looking promising, so I am considering going down to visit him in his city next weekend. What are some good conversation starters and get to know you questions I can use to keep the conversation flowing, as so far we have sometimes found it a bit hard. Context: both mid 30s, hetero and met on online dating app.
posted by EatMyHat to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Best answer: Personal recommendation: 36 questions that lead to love - we did these questions over multiple days on a car trip, and spoiler alert we're married!
Article has the science behind it, scroll down for the questions. There's also the one question at a time kind of 'romantic' vibe http://36questionsinlove.com/.

They start pretty general and get to know you and get deeper as they go on.
posted by freethefeet at 3:59 AM on October 29, 2019 [6 favorites]

The city itself can be a great way to do this. You’re visiting his city, so ask to go hang out in places he likes there—his neighborhood, coffee shop, restaurants he likes. Ask about where he goes and why, what he likes about those places, why he picked his neighborhood, how long he’s been there and why he moved and from where, his neighbors and friends and where they live, what he does day to day and on the weekend, etc. Answers to all those questions branch out into lots of other life stuff like his family, his work, what his life is like now and has been like in the past few years, his tastes in food, people, hobbies, etc. And they’ll give you a good sense of him as a person—what does he do on the weekend or for fun? Does he know his neighborhood well, is he a homebody, or does he travel and go on weekend trips instead? What do he and friends do for fun? Etc.
posted by sallybrown at 8:52 AM on October 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

Had a bad experience with those 36 questions on a third date (in my opinion, they build false intimacy) and cannot recommend for an early date. Think the idea about talking about the city is very smart; I also like to talk about hobbies and mutual interests on dates: books, news, etc.
posted by k8lin at 8:57 AM on October 29, 2019 [7 favorites]

One I really like: bring paper & pencils, and draw a floor plan of your dream house / supervillain lair. Do it on the spot, and talk about why you'd set it up that way. Can be fun & silly if you both do it--and also revealing about priorities, how you both spend downtime, etc. It's kind of like flight-or-invisibility questions, but more informative. (Assumes you're both OK drawing stick figures & not anxious about drawing; I know not everyone is.)
posted by miles per flower at 9:00 AM on October 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

I dont if this works for a date, but when I meet new people I ask them what's a problem they're trying to solve. I get a lot of neat answers that vary hugely. I learned a lot about some social causes, but usually it's more personal. One person talked about a woodworking project, someone talked about a work account, one person was having all kinds of trouble with their cable provider, and another person was trying to find a way to get the last credits they needed for an MA degree. Rightly or wrongly there is a lot that could be read into an answer but at a minimum it let's you know where someone's thoughts are going.
posted by dstopps at 9:59 AM on October 29, 2019 [5 favorites]

Best answer: Ask personal questions that feel relatively mundane (read: psychologically safe) but are still unexpected enough to cause the other person to pause and think instead of relying on pre-digested responses.

Examples:

* What was a really unexpected/funny/kind thing that happened to you this week/recently?
* What was a really unexpected/funny/kind thing you did for someone this week/recently?
* What was a really memorable/adventurous/daring choice/trip you've made recently?
* When was the last time you experienced a really heart-warming conversation with a friend/loved one?
* What was a truly striking piece of art [movie, architecture, music, etc.] you've come across?

Ask something that taps into a positive emotion or novel experience (instead of a rant or a damaging experience) where they can feel good about sharing and can do so in an honest way.
posted by Goblin Barbarian at 3:58 PM on October 29, 2019 [5 favorites]

Ask them questions about their friends and what they like to do for fun. You learn a lot!!!
posted by fshgrl at 9:05 PM on October 29, 2019

Best answer: I like speculative conversations when I'm getting to know someone. E.g. if you are out and about, imagining the lives of the people you see, or what they are doing today, etc. Or what are other directions your life might have taken if you'd made choices differently? Did you ever think about what you'd be doing right now if you had been born a century earlier/later/to a different family?

Doesn't have to be about yourself either. What do you think your town will be like 100 years from now?
posted by lollusc at 10:46 PM on October 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Kind of an off-the-wall take, but I saved this reddit thread last year because user loyalantar's prompts were so fascinating.
posted by girlstyle at 8:55 PM on October 30, 2019

Response by poster: Hi girlstyle, just wanted to let you know I get an error message when I click on the link. Can you tell me the name of the thread so I can google it?
posted by EatMyHat at 1:34 AM on October 31, 2019

Best answer: "What are some good weird questions to ask someone to get to know them better?"

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/7rmd0j/what_are_some_good_weird_questions_to_ask_someone/
posted by RainyJay at 9:11 AM on October 31, 2019