Can I turn on the love for my cat?
October 16, 2019 5:11 AM Subscribe
We have had my cat, Yancy, for about 3.5 years, becoming her fourth family in as many years. We thought we could fix this cat. We can not fix this cat. A big move is coming and I need to decide how to serve us all the best.
I don't even know where to start with this. We adopted her after my husband's beloved cat passed away, we were her fourth family that adopted her from this shelter and my husband was smitten, being experienced cat owners her problems seemed addressable and we hated the idea of her maybe eventually being put down. Somehow, I became her "person" and yet I have never really bonded with her AND her pre-existing issues have not been resolved.
The shelter told us she had been returned twice for inappropriate elimination and once for "didn't like her personality". What kind of monster doesn't like a cat's personality? We thought. The shelter explained that the other families had her almost a year each and that she'd would urinate on soft items, but only occasionally, having periods of months with no issues. The shelter said she didn't have that issue with them, so it was perhaps a matter of just stress. She stayed in her own little room with a little window and a table with a tablecloth with her food under there. We decided that we could definitely find a way to balance her need for quiet and her need for socialization. Our experience with her urination tracks to the above, she goes periods of time where she is ok, then a find a secret pee spot. IT IS KILLING ME. I have a two year old and you know what they love? Making nests on the ground, laying on pillows, and blanket forts. I have gone to elaborate efforts to provide her with private cubbies, high ground, diverse and interesting water options, nice urinary health food, treats, pets, playing, my two year old is now an expert fishing pole type toy player. and yet, I just went to get my socks and she had climbed in a sock bin and peed. I thought it I kept everything picked up and no high pile rugs around we were ok, but nope, she'll just find a way to pee on something else.
I know she does this because she is uncomfortable and not because of some kind of spite or "badness". It still sucks. She has a tentative diagnosis of FLUTD, but intermittent I guess. There are no crystals in her urine.
Next, the behavior thing. She isn't bad, she is just maybe broken? I am a fan of Jackson Galaxy, if you are you will know what I mean. She has never ever ever ever blinked back at me, not after pets or food or play. I get blinks every day from the ferals I talk to on the way to work. The cat that lives in my home? Nothing. Her behavior remains unchanged from the week after we brought her home to now. She hasn't learned, hasn't adapted, hasn't done any degree of warming off or cooling down. Anyone could walk in and she would relate in exactly the same way. I've never had a cat like this and I have had many cats or been with partners who have adopted cats.
I do wonder if something switched in my brain when I had my baby. I do feel a lot of frustration at the amount of time I spend cleaning up pee from one or the other. Yancy seems to not be able to tell when my child is actually asleep, so since birth, almost daily, I lay down with the baby, baby starts being still, Yancy jumps up and yells loudly while stepping on the baby like she has no idea it is alive. My husband was a special ed teacher and he thinks of her like on his students, they may not ever make progress and that is ok. That makes me want to cry, doesn't help that he is gone almost six months of the year now. (He was around all the time when she decided I was her person)
Here is the question, finally, we are leaving Japan for San Diego in July. In the very best circumstances moving a 9 year old cat across the world is hard. There is a no-kill shelter here that would take her and care for her as long as needed if she wasn't adoptable. I could also look to re-home her privately with another experience cat owner who didn't have a toddler and had more patience. How do I make that call, we committed to her.
My husband would be horrified if he knew I was considering leaving her here. He knows how I feel about everything and understands, but also thinks we can't break that commitment. So in that case, the question I would very gladly seek answers to is, how do I help her with the urination issues? I will entertain any suggestion, even if it seems basic. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, so maybe there is something I am missing.
I don't even know where to start with this. We adopted her after my husband's beloved cat passed away, we were her fourth family that adopted her from this shelter and my husband was smitten, being experienced cat owners her problems seemed addressable and we hated the idea of her maybe eventually being put down. Somehow, I became her "person" and yet I have never really bonded with her AND her pre-existing issues have not been resolved.
The shelter told us she had been returned twice for inappropriate elimination and once for "didn't like her personality". What kind of monster doesn't like a cat's personality? We thought. The shelter explained that the other families had her almost a year each and that she'd would urinate on soft items, but only occasionally, having periods of months with no issues. The shelter said she didn't have that issue with them, so it was perhaps a matter of just stress. She stayed in her own little room with a little window and a table with a tablecloth with her food under there. We decided that we could definitely find a way to balance her need for quiet and her need for socialization. Our experience with her urination tracks to the above, she goes periods of time where she is ok, then a find a secret pee spot. IT IS KILLING ME. I have a two year old and you know what they love? Making nests on the ground, laying on pillows, and blanket forts. I have gone to elaborate efforts to provide her with private cubbies, high ground, diverse and interesting water options, nice urinary health food, treats, pets, playing, my two year old is now an expert fishing pole type toy player. and yet, I just went to get my socks and she had climbed in a sock bin and peed. I thought it I kept everything picked up and no high pile rugs around we were ok, but nope, she'll just find a way to pee on something else.
I know she does this because she is uncomfortable and not because of some kind of spite or "badness". It still sucks. She has a tentative diagnosis of FLUTD, but intermittent I guess. There are no crystals in her urine.
Next, the behavior thing. She isn't bad, she is just maybe broken? I am a fan of Jackson Galaxy, if you are you will know what I mean. She has never ever ever ever blinked back at me, not after pets or food or play. I get blinks every day from the ferals I talk to on the way to work. The cat that lives in my home? Nothing. Her behavior remains unchanged from the week after we brought her home to now. She hasn't learned, hasn't adapted, hasn't done any degree of warming off or cooling down. Anyone could walk in and she would relate in exactly the same way. I've never had a cat like this and I have had many cats or been with partners who have adopted cats.
I do wonder if something switched in my brain when I had my baby. I do feel a lot of frustration at the amount of time I spend cleaning up pee from one or the other. Yancy seems to not be able to tell when my child is actually asleep, so since birth, almost daily, I lay down with the baby, baby starts being still, Yancy jumps up and yells loudly while stepping on the baby like she has no idea it is alive. My husband was a special ed teacher and he thinks of her like on his students, they may not ever make progress and that is ok. That makes me want to cry, doesn't help that he is gone almost six months of the year now. (He was around all the time when she decided I was her person)
Here is the question, finally, we are leaving Japan for San Diego in July. In the very best circumstances moving a 9 year old cat across the world is hard. There is a no-kill shelter here that would take her and care for her as long as needed if she wasn't adoptable. I could also look to re-home her privately with another experience cat owner who didn't have a toddler and had more patience. How do I make that call, we committed to her.
My husband would be horrified if he knew I was considering leaving her here. He knows how I feel about everything and understands, but also thinks we can't break that commitment. So in that case, the question I would very gladly seek answers to is, how do I help her with the urination issues? I will entertain any suggestion, even if it seems basic. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, so maybe there is something I am missing.
Can the cat be confined to a room or space, so that you only need to control a limited area in terms of places she can pee, and she can’t jump up or meow and wake the baby when you don’t want her to? To me, confining her to a room in your house, at least temporarily while you work on behavior issues, is preferable to sending her back to a shelter.
posted by amro at 5:31 AM on October 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by amro at 5:31 AM on October 16, 2019 [7 favorites]
I have a cat who had intermittent FLUTD issues for years and I empathize with how maddening it can be. After dozens of other treatments had failed, putting her on Prozac helped dramatically. It's formulated as a lotion that I rub inside her ear- much easier than giving her a pill every day - and now she only pees outside the box like once a year, which is much easier to live with.
posted by introcosm at 5:53 AM on October 16, 2019 [21 favorites]
posted by introcosm at 5:53 AM on October 16, 2019 [21 favorites]
I'll say something unpopular here - you and your baby are more important than the cat that lives and pees in your house. I love cats, but this one is making you miserable. Home it in the no-kill shelter and get on with your life. You already have love for the cat, or it would already be gone from your house. You tried with this cat. Internet stranger is giving you permission to remove it from your life.
posted by mzurer at 6:00 AM on October 16, 2019 [90 favorites]
posted by mzurer at 6:00 AM on October 16, 2019 [90 favorites]
Miko wrote....
It sounds like you're a little fried from the solo caregiving (your husband gone for 6 months of the year and you with a 2 year old?)
I’m not of the school that pet adoption is no-holds-barred permanent, but I think your current state of mind is an important factor to consider. Is it likely your husband will be around to share toddler/cat duties when you get to the states?
Also, perhaps due to being a bit fried, you’ve described a small contradiction. If she’s stuck in stasis and unresponsive, how do you know that you are her "person"? She must be a little more interactive than you describe.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:06 AM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
It sounds like you're a little fried from the solo caregiving (your husband gone for 6 months of the year and you with a 2 year old?)
I’m not of the school that pet adoption is no-holds-barred permanent, but I think your current state of mind is an important factor to consider. Is it likely your husband will be around to share toddler/cat duties when you get to the states?
Also, perhaps due to being a bit fried, you’ve described a small contradiction. If she’s stuck in stasis and unresponsive, how do you know that you are her "person"? She must be a little more interactive than you describe.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 6:06 AM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
I'm going to be unpopular as well. In my view, we are permitted to remove both humans and animals from our lives that are beyond our capacity to both hang onto and be mentally well. You've found a place for the cat to land, which is your responsibility, having come to this conclusion. Be well.
posted by girlpublisher at 6:34 AM on October 16, 2019 [34 favorites]
posted by girlpublisher at 6:34 AM on October 16, 2019 [34 favorites]
I also think the no-kill shelter sounds like your best option here. Traveling to the states and living in a new place is going to be extremely stressful for the cat. Also, have you looked into what might be required in terms of quarantine?
My husband would be horrified if he knew I was considering leaving her here. He knows how I feel about everything and understands, but also thinks we can't break that commitment. he is gone almost six months of the year now
Is he going to continue to be gone almost half the year? While his wanting commitment to the cat is admirable, it's unreasonable for him to volunteer you for almost all of the work involved. The no-kill shelter will give your cat a permanent home, and I'm not sure that it will make much difference to the cat that it's staying at its fifth home instead of its fourth.
posted by FencingGal at 6:34 AM on October 16, 2019 [11 favorites]
My husband would be horrified if he knew I was considering leaving her here. He knows how I feel about everything and understands, but also thinks we can't break that commitment. he is gone almost six months of the year now
Is he going to continue to be gone almost half the year? While his wanting commitment to the cat is admirable, it's unreasonable for him to volunteer you for almost all of the work involved. The no-kill shelter will give your cat a permanent home, and I'm not sure that it will make much difference to the cat that it's staying at its fifth home instead of its fourth.
posted by FencingGal at 6:34 AM on October 16, 2019 [11 favorites]
I wouldn't judge you for taking her to the no-kill shelter (with a decently big donation to help) but honestly I think the first conversation to have is with your husband. If he's going to be around full time now, this needs to become his responsibility. It's unfair that he thinks you can't break the commitment but you're doing all the hard work.
posted by brilliantine at 6:38 AM on October 16, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by brilliantine at 6:38 AM on October 16, 2019 [13 favorites]
I'm always on the side of doing whatever it takes to support mental health of moms with kids in the house.
This is your misery vs the cat's change of circumstances. It's no contest. She isn't even bonded with your family; the no-kill shelter will be just fine for her. (And I'm guessing you have bigger fish to fry re family work responsibilities and negotiating them with your husband, than either of you spending yet more resentful energy on a cat you don't even like.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:39 AM on October 16, 2019 [13 favorites]
This is your misery vs the cat's change of circumstances. It's no contest. She isn't even bonded with your family; the no-kill shelter will be just fine for her. (And I'm guessing you have bigger fish to fry re family work responsibilities and negotiating them with your husband, than either of you spending yet more resentful energy on a cat you don't even like.)
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:39 AM on October 16, 2019 [13 favorites]
This sounds awful. Having the cat not give you blink kisses... whatever. But the peeing sounds like a nightmare, especially where you have a toddler. And you aren't getting any snugs out of the deal to soften the outrage at the peeing. I normally would be "You adopted them, you have a responsibility to them" but you ALSO have a responsibility to your child that trumps the kitty. I can "hear" the frustration in what you wrote, and I truly get the sense that you are regretful over this. I have to agree that this isn't a situation that can continue. It breaks my heart, but I feel it would be acceptable to surrender the cat to a no-kill shelter. I would also include a substantial monetary donation to help cover the costs of food for the cat while it waits to be adopted out again, but also to just support the shelter and the work they do there.
Sincerely,
Mama to four rescue cats
Small aside: Your experience with Yancy (minus the peeing) is not that uncommon and I suspect is the cause for the "Cats are standoffish unfriendly demons" stereotype. Standoff-ish, grumpy, unfriendly cats were all I knew until I adopted my rescues. I am now basking in the endless snuggles, purrs, blink kisses, and love of four extremely loving cats. Yancy's temperament isn't your fault.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:40 AM on October 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
Sincerely,
Mama to four rescue cats
Small aside: Your experience with Yancy (minus the peeing) is not that uncommon and I suspect is the cause for the "Cats are standoffish unfriendly demons" stereotype. Standoff-ish, grumpy, unfriendly cats were all I knew until I adopted my rescues. I am now basking in the endless snuggles, purrs, blink kisses, and love of four extremely loving cats. Yancy's temperament isn't your fault.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:40 AM on October 16, 2019 [12 favorites]
I generally come down pretty hard on the side of trying to exhaust all options to honor the commitment to keeping a cat, but in this case, I think your upcoming huge move is a big factor here. No matter what, this cat is about to get uprooted and go through a stressful life change. Given that, I'm not sure that "go through a stressful and traumatic move and then get used to a whole new home with someone who doesn't like her much" is a better option than "low-key move to a new home with new people, minus the stressful cross-global travel, maybe get a family who loves her unreservedly or at least caretakers who don't resent her." Seems like almost a toss-up. Your husband's the X factor here, I think - if he's going to be the one pushing hard to keep her, he needs to be around more and step up to give more of the care.
So, you and he have some hard conversations ahead, but I don't think you need to feel a lot of guilt either way you go - the cat's going to have a big life change either way, the cat will be okay as long as you do commit to getting her to a responsible new home and taking care of her medical needs while you have her.
All of that said, you have to be able to live with her while you work through this. With my intermittent pee-er, we've mostly come to a workable arrangement. She has to have a litterbox in the living room or she'll pee out there. I don't love it, but it is what it is. That's where we spend most of our time and apparently she wants to pee near us and not have to go away from us to pee. If she has a box in the living room, she will pee in it 99% of the time, so that's what we do. She still about twice a year decides to boycott the box and pee on the floor near it instead, but if we swap it out with a different-style box from the other room where the other boxes are, she'll go back to using it. She's a jumpy little thing and I have a vague theory that if she gets spooked while using the box - loud noise, one of her brothers bothers her, whatever - she blames the box, but then is fine using a different box.
If your cat is peeing in all different places this may not work for you, but if she has a preferred spot or two, you might try just giving in and putting a box there and seeing if that is enough of a solution that you can live with it for the remaining time you have left in this apartment / with this cat.
posted by Stacey at 6:46 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
So, you and he have some hard conversations ahead, but I don't think you need to feel a lot of guilt either way you go - the cat's going to have a big life change either way, the cat will be okay as long as you do commit to getting her to a responsible new home and taking care of her medical needs while you have her.
All of that said, you have to be able to live with her while you work through this. With my intermittent pee-er, we've mostly come to a workable arrangement. She has to have a litterbox in the living room or she'll pee out there. I don't love it, but it is what it is. That's where we spend most of our time and apparently she wants to pee near us and not have to go away from us to pee. If she has a box in the living room, she will pee in it 99% of the time, so that's what we do. She still about twice a year decides to boycott the box and pee on the floor near it instead, but if we swap it out with a different-style box from the other room where the other boxes are, she'll go back to using it. She's a jumpy little thing and I have a vague theory that if she gets spooked while using the box - loud noise, one of her brothers bothers her, whatever - she blames the box, but then is fine using a different box.
If your cat is peeing in all different places this may not work for you, but if she has a preferred spot or two, you might try just giving in and putting a box there and seeing if that is enough of a solution that you can live with it for the remaining time you have left in this apartment / with this cat.
posted by Stacey at 6:46 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
Sidenote, when you get settled in your new home and if you decide you want a new cat, look at rescue organizations instead of shelters. It has been my experience that kittens that have been fostered in actual homes are MUCH better socialized. Plus, you can see them out and about and get a better sense of their personality, compared to the cats in cages in shelters. This is PURELY anecdotal and is not meant as a diss against shelters in any way, but my rescue kittens that were fostered in a volunteer's house are foolishly loving and snuggly compared to the various shelter cats I have had in my lifetime.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:47 AM on October 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:47 AM on October 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
There are two big issues here: the continence, and the continents. For the health and well-being of both of you, I'd look to re-home her.
It's hard, but you have to do what's best for the whole family: which includes the cat and you.
posted by vitout at 6:49 AM on October 16, 2019 [11 favorites]
It's hard, but you have to do what's best for the whole family: which includes the cat and you.
posted by vitout at 6:49 AM on October 16, 2019 [11 favorites]
Currently sitting with two cats in bed, both of whom have had periods of improper elimination that I have been able to ultimately figure out how to resolve, but it took YEARS. I spent more money than I care to remember on vet visits, new litter boxes and litters, replacing destroyed furniture, enzyme cleaners, pet vacs, tried prozac, and MOVED twice. It was hell.
I am deeply bonded to my cats, met them ahead of their eyes opening, adopted them at 6 weeks old, and bottle fed them. It's also a high probability that I will never have a cat again after these two due to how much I went through and the anxiety I continue to feel about whether or not they could go sideways again. My decisions are heavily influenced by them, my finances are impacted, and while I love them very much, the cost vs benefit analysis is very tenuous - and my cats LOVE me. If they weren't complete love bugs, I would have 100% given up and found another option.
This is all to say - do not feel bad if the right solution for you is to find a new home for this cat. You deserve to be happy too, and she isn't happy with you anyway.
posted by amycup at 6:50 AM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
I am deeply bonded to my cats, met them ahead of their eyes opening, adopted them at 6 weeks old, and bottle fed them. It's also a high probability that I will never have a cat again after these two due to how much I went through and the anxiety I continue to feel about whether or not they could go sideways again. My decisions are heavily influenced by them, my finances are impacted, and while I love them very much, the cost vs benefit analysis is very tenuous - and my cats LOVE me. If they weren't complete love bugs, I would have 100% given up and found another option.
This is all to say - do not feel bad if the right solution for you is to find a new home for this cat. You deserve to be happy too, and she isn't happy with you anyway.
posted by amycup at 6:50 AM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
Your main responsibility and your most essential commitment as a caregiver is to your child. If the cat is stressing you out this much, on top of all the stressors of a big move and all the other hard conditions and changes in your life, then your ability to parent (often without support) is compromised.
If you don't feel ok leaving the cat for your own comfort level, it's ok to realize that you'll be a better parent when you are happier. It's ok that you need to be able to let your kid flop freely onto a pillow in your home without worrying that it's going to be covered in cat pee.
You got the cat before you had a baby. Having a baby does, indeed, change your priorities, your needs, and the hierarchy of your responsibilities. In an ideal world none of us would have to re-think our previous commitments after having a baby, but it's just not the case.
You of course want to make it as easy on the cat as possible. But from what you've said it's not even clear that the cat was unhappier in the nice, quiet no-kill shelter where you got it.
posted by nantucket at 7:35 AM on October 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you don't feel ok leaving the cat for your own comfort level, it's ok to realize that you'll be a better parent when you are happier. It's ok that you need to be able to let your kid flop freely onto a pillow in your home without worrying that it's going to be covered in cat pee.
You got the cat before you had a baby. Having a baby does, indeed, change your priorities, your needs, and the hierarchy of your responsibilities. In an ideal world none of us would have to re-think our previous commitments after having a baby, but it's just not the case.
You of course want to make it as easy on the cat as possible. But from what you've said it's not even clear that the cat was unhappier in the nice, quiet no-kill shelter where you got it.
posted by nantucket at 7:35 AM on October 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
How attached to the cat is your toddler? Your child is moving away from everything familiar except her parents. Will this be an additional loss? It's possible your child has formed an attachment that would be painful to lose, and at two might not be able to talk to you about it.
In your shoes I would talk to a vet/cat trainer and see if there are interventions that could make a real difference. Could you give the Prozac option a try? Adopt other interventions a behaviorist suggests? I would pull out the stops before coming to a family consensus, including your husband who should be part of this. If additional real efforts to change the cat's behavior are not successful, I'd seek a family conclusion that the cat sadly, cannot move with you.
And when you talk to your cat behavior experts, I would seek strategies that would transition the cat if you do end up taking her with you. The cat's behavior might not ever completely go away - you and your husband both should agree on a goal - but I would try whatever experts suggest to substantially minimize it. You and he will then feel more comfortable making a dual decision to either move her with you or re-home her.
posted by citygirl at 8:01 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
In your shoes I would talk to a vet/cat trainer and see if there are interventions that could make a real difference. Could you give the Prozac option a try? Adopt other interventions a behaviorist suggests? I would pull out the stops before coming to a family consensus, including your husband who should be part of this. If additional real efforts to change the cat's behavior are not successful, I'd seek a family conclusion that the cat sadly, cannot move with you.
And when you talk to your cat behavior experts, I would seek strategies that would transition the cat if you do end up taking her with you. The cat's behavior might not ever completely go away - you and your husband both should agree on a goal - but I would try whatever experts suggest to substantially minimize it. You and he will then feel more comfortable making a dual decision to either move her with you or re-home her.
posted by citygirl at 8:01 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
You are clearly a thoughtful and loving person, and you will continue to be, whether this cat moves with you or no.
posted by Ausamor at 8:12 AM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Ausamor at 8:12 AM on October 16, 2019 [5 favorites]
If you have time, try Prozac and possibly Feliway, which people rave about for all sorts of unhappy cat issues. If you don't have time, I would work with the no-kill shelter to see if they can try Prozac and/or Feliway. I agree that your child is a stressor for the cat, who almost certainly is aware that it is a baby and seems not to care. You have put in a lot of effort, but I would not move a cat in this situation to a new country, certainly not when there's a good option available. The cat is stressed, so a child-free scenario sounds like it would be happier for her.
posted by theora55 at 8:34 AM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 8:34 AM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
I already have a lot of horror of what it takes to move an animal across continents, and honestly it seems cruel to do this to a cat who doesn't seem to have a strong comforting bond to any of you AND seems to be inflexible and slow to change.
I think my choice here would be the no-kill shelter with a monthly donation for the rest of her life.
Yes, you made a commitment. Circumstances that you couldn't anticipate mean you need to change the commitment, because that's how life works. Responsibly choosing a decent set of new circumstances for her IS honoring the commitment. Dumping her in the countryside or moving and leaving her behind in an empty house or similar would be a failure to honor the commitment.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:05 AM on October 16, 2019 [8 favorites]
I think my choice here would be the no-kill shelter with a monthly donation for the rest of her life.
Yes, you made a commitment. Circumstances that you couldn't anticipate mean you need to change the commitment, because that's how life works. Responsibly choosing a decent set of new circumstances for her IS honoring the commitment. Dumping her in the countryside or moving and leaving her behind in an empty house or similar would be a failure to honor the commitment.
posted by Lyn Never at 9:05 AM on October 16, 2019 [8 favorites]
I had a cat with some similar issues, and I am also on team no-kill shelter. My cat abruptly died from fatty liver and the grief so quickly was overtaken by sheer relief, a release of guilt, a sense of freedom - I loved her but she made my life so much worse.
My love of cats didn't change but the ideas I had about commitment to them did. I think that in the end you are committed to this cat and can show it by finding her a spot where she won't be hassled by a transpacific move, an ever-changing child, and soft surfaces that aren't supposed to be hers. And all of that can be found in a shelter, especially if you give her alongside a nice donation so the shelter people can provide her a lifetime's supply of old towels to destroy.
posted by Mizu at 9:25 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
My love of cats didn't change but the ideas I had about commitment to them did. I think that in the end you are committed to this cat and can show it by finding her a spot where she won't be hassled by a transpacific move, an ever-changing child, and soft surfaces that aren't supposed to be hers. And all of that can be found in a shelter, especially if you give her alongside a nice donation so the shelter people can provide her a lifetime's supply of old towels to destroy.
posted by Mizu at 9:25 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
I moved from the US to Argentina with my cat. It was expensive and the preparation was very stressful but I also feel 150% happy with my decision. We've had our challenges but she's adjusted well and is playing on the floor as I type this. I've had cats with the issues you mention, although they're also sweet, and know how frustrating it can be. Add a toddler to the mix and it sounds completely exhausting and hard. I'm sorry!
That said, I feel 100% confident that you should leave your cat at the local no-kill shelter instead of bringing her with you from Japan to the US. You can give a big donation to help Yancy and other kitties there; it's possible Yancy would even be happier surrounded by more cats than humans.
I love animals but always put people first. However, leaving your cat is also the best option for Yancy, too. Such a long journey is stressful for even the healthiest of pets, and specific diagnosis or not, it's clear Yancy has some big health and behavioral issues. Bringing a cat under the seat is a lot of work and strain, especially when you're focusing on your child (as you should!) Shipping a pet is incredibly stressful for them and is kinda a last resort. My cat and I are very close but she's not a cuddler and doesn't even like to sleep on my bed much. But, lemme tell you, she spent nearly the entire duration of both flights secretly tucked under a blanket, curled up on my lap or chest, hugging on for dear life. If you do take Yancy, you may find she becomes a little cuddlier than before, but it's more likely that she goes crazy and becomes destructive towards herself and others. I practiced traveling with her for a long time; she found the plane easier than the car. I chose not to sedate her and am glad I didn't. I brought two mini-litterboxes for my cat to use during our layovers: the first time she didn't but the second time she did. If you go this route, let me know and I can tell you the materials.
If this becomes a huge issue in your marriage, you can agree to take the cat with you BUT that your husband take on 100% of the responsibility for Yancy, both during the preparation and during the flight itself while you focus on your daughter. I think it's great that he's so committed, and because of that, he may find the huge amount of work involved to be quite rewarding or at least acceptable.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:49 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
That said, I feel 100% confident that you should leave your cat at the local no-kill shelter instead of bringing her with you from Japan to the US. You can give a big donation to help Yancy and other kitties there; it's possible Yancy would even be happier surrounded by more cats than humans.
I love animals but always put people first. However, leaving your cat is also the best option for Yancy, too. Such a long journey is stressful for even the healthiest of pets, and specific diagnosis or not, it's clear Yancy has some big health and behavioral issues. Bringing a cat under the seat is a lot of work and strain, especially when you're focusing on your child (as you should!) Shipping a pet is incredibly stressful for them and is kinda a last resort. My cat and I are very close but she's not a cuddler and doesn't even like to sleep on my bed much. But, lemme tell you, she spent nearly the entire duration of both flights secretly tucked under a blanket, curled up on my lap or chest, hugging on for dear life. If you do take Yancy, you may find she becomes a little cuddlier than before, but it's more likely that she goes crazy and becomes destructive towards herself and others. I practiced traveling with her for a long time; she found the plane easier than the car. I chose not to sedate her and am glad I didn't. I brought two mini-litterboxes for my cat to use during our layovers: the first time she didn't but the second time she did. If you go this route, let me know and I can tell you the materials.
If this becomes a huge issue in your marriage, you can agree to take the cat with you BUT that your husband take on 100% of the responsibility for Yancy, both during the preparation and during the flight itself while you focus on your daughter. I think it's great that he's so committed, and because of that, he may find the huge amount of work involved to be quite rewarding or at least acceptable.
posted by smorgasbord at 10:49 AM on October 16, 2019 [3 favorites]
Seconding a closed off room or space for the cat if possible. Don't let her have access to jump on the baby or pee in a sock drawer. She didn't do this inappropriate elimination at the shelter when she was secluded. Prozac for her might help too. I get what people are saying but it doesn't sound like you've kept her secluded (maybe its not possible, I admit I don't know your setup). She sounds nervous to me.
posted by agregoli at 11:09 AM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by agregoli at 11:09 AM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
And also unpopular I'm sure...but I don't really agree that she should be rehomed yet again. Poor sweetie has had too much upheaval in her life. If you can't care for her I would consider euthanizing her. I know that option sucks too but I think it might be kinder in the long run...especially if her new family has the same feelings and returns her yet again to the shelter.
posted by agregoli at 11:12 AM on October 16, 2019
posted by agregoli at 11:12 AM on October 16, 2019
Response by poster: Thank you everyone. I have a lot to think about and I do love her even if I don't always like her, but isn't that the way it is with everyone? We paid for the move here to Japan two years ago, so I am prepared for those logistics the opposite way if that is how we proceed. I made a new album for Cat tax.
posted by stormygrey at 11:14 AM on October 16, 2019
posted by stormygrey at 11:14 AM on October 16, 2019
I had a rescue cat from a small kitten with the same issue - which I have written about here before. Any piles of towels or blankets, rugs or carpets within range were more or less guaranteed to be peed on. On one occasion she ruined an upholstered sofa.
I really do sympathise, it's hard for people to empathise with how shitty (and honestly, angry) it makes you feel to have another creature befoul your home, while you are powerless to get through to them, or manage their behaviour successfully, no matter how hard you try.
We kept her through her life and grew to love her very much. She was a beautiful, gentle and affectionate creature - with a single terrible habit. I don't think we could have reached that state of zen without having changed our habitat to accomodate her - door at the bottom of the stairs, carpets lifted and floors finished to wooden boards in the downstairs area (where she was allowed to stay, never allowed upstairs). No super expensive furniture in the parts of the house she could reach.
We had small children at the same time - it worked out ok, but took a little work and discipline to manage the space she was in. It became so much easier to love her once the risk of damage had been managed out.
posted by bifter at 12:42 PM on October 16, 2019
I really do sympathise, it's hard for people to empathise with how shitty (and honestly, angry) it makes you feel to have another creature befoul your home, while you are powerless to get through to them, or manage their behaviour successfully, no matter how hard you try.
We kept her through her life and grew to love her very much. She was a beautiful, gentle and affectionate creature - with a single terrible habit. I don't think we could have reached that state of zen without having changed our habitat to accomodate her - door at the bottom of the stairs, carpets lifted and floors finished to wooden boards in the downstairs area (where she was allowed to stay, never allowed upstairs). No super expensive furniture in the parts of the house she could reach.
We had small children at the same time - it worked out ok, but took a little work and discipline to manage the space she was in. It became so much easier to love her once the risk of damage had been managed out.
posted by bifter at 12:42 PM on October 16, 2019
One of our cats we've had since he was five weeks old - we bottle fed him, cuddled him, he sleeps with our (sleeping) kid. And still...he's standoffish, bitey, and doesn't like pats. He's otherwise an ok pet I guess. He likes to sit and hang out in the same room mostly. Anyway, just in the last few weeks, he climbed into my husband's lap while we were watching TV for the first time. He's FOUR. So, it may take longer than a year. One thing we ended up doing was getting him a super chill little sister to play and cuddle with, and he's very happy with her. As he's grown out of his youth hes also bonded with our older cat. YMMV, of course. He's a cats cat, not a people cat.
Also, yes - my cats were my *babies*. Until I had an actual human baby. And the two we adopted after kiddo was born I've not bonded with like our other one. They're largely extra work. So much of my time and affection is taken up by the kid, and since he's always around me and the cats sorry if avoid him...yeah. Kid is five now and it's getting better, but I do feel differently than before I had kids and the kid himself gets in the way of spending time with them.
posted by jrobin276 at 2:02 PM on October 16, 2019
Also, yes - my cats were my *babies*. Until I had an actual human baby. And the two we adopted after kiddo was born I've not bonded with like our other one. They're largely extra work. So much of my time and affection is taken up by the kid, and since he's always around me and the cats sorry if avoid him...yeah. Kid is five now and it's getting better, but I do feel differently than before I had kids and the kid himself gets in the way of spending time with them.
posted by jrobin276 at 2:02 PM on October 16, 2019
Medication is well worth a try (amitriptyline is helpful for many cats like her), but honestly, inappropriate urination is one of the most common (if not THE most common) reason for surrender or euthanasia, and is by far the most common behavioral complaint about cats. Given the way you're describing it (assuming there aren't other secret pee spots you haven't found yet), it sounds like there is a medical or stress trigger for her issue. If you aren't using a Feliway diffuser in every room, you should be, that can help.
Good info here
posted by biscotti at 3:03 PM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Good info here
posted by biscotti at 3:03 PM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
Anything I could suggest has already been posted, but I did want to note that I have a strong belief that it is possible for cats to non-neurotypical in the same way as humans. I had a cat that I swear was somewhere on the Autism spectrum. He was constantly anxious, he did repetitive vocalizations and movements, he did not speak cat with the other cats - had no understanding of feline social cues. He would have freakouts which could only be controlled by me grabbing him and holding him as tightly as possible while reducing other stumuli.
I think maybe your cat is similar.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 4:12 PM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think maybe your cat is similar.
posted by ereshkigal45 at 4:12 PM on October 16, 2019 [1 favorite]
I don't have specific advice but just wanted to say that I have a 2 year old and two cats. Before we had a baby, I would cuddle the cats and love on them daily. In the past two years I've cuddled them maybe a handful of times, and i get annoyed when i have to feed them (that's always been, and continues to be mostly my husband's job). So yea, something changed. I still love them, in theory, but just don't have it in me to love on them like before.
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 5:40 PM on October 16, 2019
posted by never.was.and.never.will.be. at 5:40 PM on October 16, 2019
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Your husband is right; maybe this is the cat she is. That's all right.
It sounds like you're a little fried from the solo caregiving (your husband gone for 6 months of the year and you with a 2 year old? That would make me want to cart anyone to the curb) and lack of help with house chores, and that's really what's making this critical. I suggest you sit down with your husband and discuss your stress, the needs of the house, and your plan going forward. The cat is an issue, but that seriously doesn't sound like the central issue. Meanwhile, you took responsibility for this cat and you should accept that. There's very little chance a cat like that is going to find another home, especially not as a solo cat. Work on your division of labor and home-management issues, consider getting a house cleaning service and/or a pet behaviorist and/or a professional organizer to set up the environment in a way that works.
posted by Miko at 5:21 AM on October 16, 2019 [11 favorites]