Should I Try to DTR? Or Live with Doubt, But in the Present?

October 11, 2019 12:59 PM

I am 35 years old, and divorced now for a little over 2 years. I've done the rebound, lived to regret it, and taken a step back and evaluated myself. I've removed toxic people from my life, and gotten my shit straight (mostly). When I was least expecting it, I seem to have met someone with a bit more promise than the usual catch and release, and he seems to feel similarly about me. However... it has been a really long time since I have been here, and I've certainly never been here when I've had a healthy perspective on myself and relationships.

So some more specifics about the why I am even messing with a good thing right now. The sex has been incredible, and we have fun, laugh, and seem to genuinely enjoy each others company. I haven't liked anyone enough that has made it this far, to even think about the DTR talk, much less get to the point of having it organically. Most of the dating situations I have been in lately are defined on the front end with the "What are you looking for" conversation, but this conversation never happened with this guy. We've been seeing each other since the end of August, text on pretty much a daily basis, and have seen each other pretty much 2-3 times weekly for the past 6 weeks. We make plans and go on dates, and I've even accidentally met his nieces (that just popped into his place when I was over one evening). To me---it feels decidedly relationship-y, but its been a reeeeeeally long time since I've really done this, so I'm not sure where we actually stand.

He is getting his PhD and is about to get really busy with school and work for the next month, and then will be traveling a lot in November... also Mercury Retrograde is fast approaching and this is definitely not a conversation I want to have during that time. This is making me feel like I need to get an answer to the question of our exclusivity relatively soon, so that I will know how I should behave when we may not see each other much for a while. My potential behavior could vary wildly based on this answer... if we want to see where a relationship goes I'm prone to things like surprise Snacks/Food/Treats during study time, or other such spoiling of a partner... maybe some photos to spice things up while we aren't seeing each other much etc. If not... there will likely be lots of potential flirts happening when out with friends, or hell, even on social media etc. Or there could even be both if an open relationship is his thing (I've been pretty flexible on these ideas as of late in same regard, but am not comfortable making an assumption on any)

I guess ultimately the question is, if it doesn't come up soon organically, is it around time for me to get that DTR clarification? Help me HiveMind, You're my only hope!

posted by Quincy to Human Relations (9 answers total)

I think after seeing someone in a romantic context three times a week over the course of six weeks it's the perfect time to get clarity on whether or not you're exclusive. It sounds like he's a great guy and if that's the case he won't go into the fetal position about being asked to DTR.

However, if he thinks you're exclusive and you don't and you end up flirting/dating/fucking someone else, that might be impossible to come back from.
posted by zeusianfog at 1:15 PM on October 11, 2019 [7 favorites]

If he assumes you are exclusive with no actual adult conversation about it and later holds any other physical activity against you enough that it destroys your relationship, you don't want him anyway.
But I digress.
It doesn't sound like a conversation to lay out the boundaries of your relationship would be inappropriate or unwelcome, but if you are mainly concerned about the upcoming period of busyness, etc., would you feel more comfortable just asking about that? I.e 'hey I know our schedules will be changing soon, how do you see our communication levels/date frequency changing because of that'.
There's never anything wrong with expressing what you want or need, and it sounds like you would respect his answer no matter what, too. That's a great foundation for healthy communication!
posted by PaulaSchultz at 1:45 PM on October 11, 2019 [3 favorites]

Talk to him.

If you have questions or concerns regarding your relationship, what possible good is it to keep those feelings to yourself? He is not a mind reader and neither are you. Defining The Relationship (DTR) doesn't have to be some super serious discussion. It's been 6 weeks which is not a long time but it's not nothing, either. Now is a great time with him starting a PhD program because that does directly affect the amount of time you will be able to spend together.

Talk to him. Find out if you guys are on the same page. If you are not, then it's a good time to find out if there's a possible compromise or some other approach.

Talk to him.
posted by acidnova at 2:04 PM on October 11, 2019 [5 favorites]

I guess ultimately the question is, if it doesn't come up soon organically, is it around time for me to get that DTR clarification?

I am reading this to mean "if he doesn't bring it up soon, should I ask him for DTR clarity?" I think the answer is yes, you should bring it up to him. Also, I would say that it is better to simply ask for what you want directly and assertively. This: "I really enjoy the time we spend together. How do you feel about having an exclusive relationship?" is much more attractive and powerful than: "I need some clarification. Where is this going?" It sounds like a promising start. I wish you the best.
posted by incolorinred at 2:09 PM on October 11, 2019 [7 favorites]

Can I ask what you mean by organic in this case? Just...bring it up.

In a healthy relationship, nobody should be making anyone feel bad for starting a conversation about something that is important to them.
posted by mosst at 2:10 PM on October 11, 2019 [3 favorites]

You don't have to plan the entire conversation--just a casual, "hey, wanted to check in and see if we were on the same page about us" the next time you're on a walk or making dinner together can be a great way to open a discussion. The best relationships I've been in have been the ones where I was free to speak up about my needs and desires and where my questions about our expectations were met with curiosity and generosity. (on preview, what acidnova said!)

And maybe spend some time making sure you're 100% clear on what YOU want. If I've learned anything from my years watching Bachelor in Paradise, it's that when you try to suppress your own needs out of deference for the other person or out of a desire to be a Cool Girl, it always backfires! Be honest with yourself about what you want and THEN broach the conversation.
posted by stellaluna at 2:11 PM on October 11, 2019 [14 favorites]

What is it that you want? Do you know? I am concerned that you are twisting yourself into knots to somehow not scare him off. You seem concerned that asking for a conversation about this healthy, fun new relationship will somehow ... ruin it? Make him run screaming? Like, "Ugh, everything was perfect until you made me acknowledge it!" And while it's good to be open-minded, you're also saying you're okay with being exclusive or not, with being serious or not. That's all well and good, but what you want is just as important as what he wants.

Also, you're saying "if it doesn't come up soon organically..." but what you really mean is, "if he doesn't bring it up." There are two of you in this relationship. Why is his job to bring it up? Don't fall prey to the stereotype that men want to be free-wheeling and women want to tie men down.

At the very least, you all should be discussing these issues because you are having sex regularly. Even if you are using condoms, you should be talking about all this to know the risk level of your sexual contact. (Like, if he's regularly having unprotected sex with other people, that's something you should know, and likewise.)

I get that you really like this guy, and you don't want to ruin a good thing. But take a step back and realize that any adult man who can't handle a conversation like this isn't a great candidate for a long term relationship anyway. You are still learning about him in so many ways. This conversation will be a good indication of how comfortable he is discussing important issues.

"I really enjoy the time we spend together. How do you feel about having an exclusive relationship?"

I want to second that this is an excellent line. You could hem and haw and say, "I like you. What are we doing here?" but letting him set the tone isn't super fair when you're the one who would like to discuss the issue. And it's totally fine that you want to discuss the issue. The fact that you wrote a whole question about this means you should probably raise the issue.

Good luck.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:26 PM on October 11, 2019 [8 favorites]

He is getting his PhD and is about to get really busy with school and work for the next month, and then will be traveling a lot in November

This sounds like it is coming up organically:

My potential behavior could vary wildly based on this answer... if we want to see where a relationship goes I'm prone to things like surprise Snacks/Food/Treats during study time, or other such spoiling of a partner... maybe some photos to spice things up while we aren't seeing each other much etc. If not... there will likely be lots of potential flirts happening when out with friends, or hell, even on social media etc. Or there could even be both if an open relationship is his thing

I think it's really good to spell out expectations. Once you mention these ideas, he may want to mix and match. Open relationship with surprise snacks; partners but too techphobic to share pics remotely; lots of potential conversations about individual likes and dislikes, which may be revisited repeatedly...
posted by Former Congressional Representative Lenny Lemming at 6:47 PM on October 11, 2019 [3 favorites]

Note that if you ask, "How do you feel about exclusivity?" he will assume that you want to be exclusive. Since you're open to nonmonogamy, you should decide whether that's your preference first. If you honestly don't care if you limit your romantic relationships to one person, you can say something more like, "Before you enter into this busy period, I want to talk about whether it's cool with you if I see other people. I'm good with an open relationship, but if it isn't your thing, I'm also good with exclusivity." But I'd be more likely to ask whether they see this as a serious, long-term thing or not; and if the former, segue the conversation into what that means to each of you. (I know that's a more vulnerable starting place though.)
posted by metasarah at 5:56 AM on October 12, 2019 [2 favorites]