How do I get the intimacy back?

March 4, 2006 12:21 PM

I've been going out with my partner for almost 5 years, about 2 1/2 years ago she told me she'd been sexually abused as a child. I've supported her through her counselling and depression ever since, ironically she wouldn't have been able to unpack a lot of her issues without the safe enviroment I've provided for her for the first time. I'm in counselling myself, my partner pursuaded me that I needed some help to keep myself standing, and it has really helped. But I'm starting to loose hope that things are ever going to be better again.

We haven't had sex in about 3 years, bar a few times when she was drunk enough to be relaxed about it, which didn't exactly make me feel very good about things. She says she's making progress in her counselling but I have trouble seeing the evidence in her behaviour.

My question to people who've gone through this, do people and relationships recover from this and how did you survive the process? How did you go about starting to make sex ok again as opposed to a huge issue? I'm just looking for a few words of wisdom to help keep the faith that things will get better.

posted by anonymous to human relations (8 comments total)

That's very strange. She started off having sex with you, and then stopped six months after she told you she had been abused?

I know from listening to "loveline" that people who have been abused sort of go through phases where they're very sexual and then very asexual. She might go through another phase change, but I think it's basically random, or at least pretty hard to predict.

Other then that, I don't know what to tell you. It's not a relationship that I would stay in. Since you're obviously not having sex with her now, what would be the difference between no longer dating her, but only being a supportive friend?

You can still provide a safe environment for her, while trying to sate your earthly desires elsewhere, in my opinion.

Are you a lesbian by the way? I also heard (from listening to loveline) that 1) lesbian couples often start off having sex, and then stop having sex. And that 2) usually one of the girls in a lesbian couple had been abused as a child.

Also, you called her your 'partner' and I don't think many men could go three years without having sex!
posted by delmoi at 12:34 PM on March 4, 2006

I know several (het) couples who deal with similar issues, in varying degrees of severity. In at least one of them, the man, who is a sexy devil and all around good guy, has resigned himself to having sex once or twice a year, often accompanied by alcohol (which his partner enjoys, but also has issues with due to her being an adult child of an abusive alcoholic).

At first, I was like, "how can you stand that?" but we chatted about it a lot. It appears that the answer is that he loves her.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:40 PM on March 4, 2006

loveline doth not credibility make (gasp). this isn't just a lesbian thing (gasp). relationships can mean more than sex (gasp). as long as you aren't staying out of pity, you're fine. there's always the chance that you can't go about making sex okay again, but that it has to happen organically. that said, maybe setting plateaus of 'how far you will go' (going by bases is a cheap starting point) and increasing them slowly over a span of time as your partner becomes more comfortable with each step (if it happens at all). don't worry, though, if your bond is strong enough and your relationship is otherwise healthy, just have faith. "time heals all wounds" isn't a saying for nothing.
posted by soma lkzx at 12:51 PM on March 4, 2006

If you are trying to "make" sex okay again, chances are your partner is going to feel some performance anxiety. I have found that when one partner is having trouble sexually for whatever reason, it helps to let go of being goal-oriented. Just find relaxed, sensual/sexual ways to be together that are comfortable and safe.

Showering together and other time spent naked together can help, as can "foreplay" with no expectation of sex. Is she comfortable having you masturbate around her? This can be a nice way for partners to share a sexual experience that is very low-pressure.

I wouldn't be offended by the fact that she is most comfortable with sex when drinking. Don't take it personally - it seems like alcohol is relaxing her enough that she can find the experience pleasurable.

And I would hold off on thinking about ending the relationship for now. Try adopting a different attitude about physical intimacy (together) and see what happens.
posted by mai at 2:38 PM on March 4, 2006

I also heard (from listening to loveline) that 1) lesbian couples often start off having sex, and then stop having sex. And that 2) usually one of the girls in a lesbian couple had been abused as a child.

Delmoi, you should probably employ a little more scrutiny in deciding how informed &/or biased your sources of information are. Childhood sexual abuse has almost no correlation between adult sexual orientation; it does, however, correlate with an increased number of sexual partners as an adult.

Is she comfortable having you masturbate around her?

Be careful with this. With a non-participatory partner it can inadvertently lead to the feeling of objectification (since she's still presumably a source of sexual arousal for you), which is the last thing you want & the last thing that'll make her feel more sexually comfortable. That said, I think this is an excellent way of being sexual together if it's done carefully and doesn't take the place of more mutually participatory types of sexual interaction.
posted by soviet sleepover at 5:53 PM on March 4, 2006

My take is that intimacy isn't the issue: her (and possibly your) security/safety/comfort with sexuality is. if you're both comfortable with working toward sex, then mai's comment is great. But it seems more likely that she still is dealing with things that make that hard.

I would look into sex therapy type books and see what they say. Maybe you could get couples counseling about it?

But it also sounds like maybe you just want reassurance.

Be assured: things can change for the better. But you have to work for it.
posted by Furious Fitness at 7:03 PM on March 4, 2006

Anon, have you discussed the sex issue with your significant other? Perhaps you two need to visit a counselor together and address the specific issue of your sex life. If it can't be remedied, and the lack of sex is a dealbreaker for you, perhaps you should cease to be a couple and just be best friends instead.

Incidentally, regarding Loveline: I haven't listened to the show in a while, but they're not as uninformed as you'd think. Dr. Drew Pinsky is an addiction medicine specialist (and a physician), and he bases his observations and opinions on treating patients over the past 20+ years, research/experiments published in medical/psych papers, and speaking to callers for about 25 years. They've spoken to tens of thousands of callers over the years and have developed an intuitive sense of the issues surrounding their listeners. They used to play a game where they'd gamble on the childhood issues a specific caller had, just based on their voice/cadence and question (which oftentimes had nothing to do with their childhood), and most of the time either Drew or Adam managed to guess roughly (and sometimes very accurately) what had happened to the caller as child. I'm not saying a radio show is the definitive word on the subject, but Loveline isn't as hokey as most call in shows hosted by clueless "experts".
posted by Devils Slide at 8:45 PM on March 4, 2006

Anon, I am so sorry that this has happened to your partner, and that your relationship with her is affected as well.

I'm not a professional in this area, but I have had personal experience with survivors, and I don't think it is strange that your partner stopped having sex with you soon after she told you about her childhood abuse. Once a person chooses to unbury the trauma, and starts telling others, then it is physically and emotionally out in the open and s/he has to start dealing with it. Sometimes this can result in flashbacks or unpleasant/unbearable feelings and thoughts during sex, even though the partner is not the abuser and the sex is not forced.

If you'd like to talk, you can contact me directly at the email in my profile. Confidentiality is assured.
posted by initapplette at 10:47 AM on March 6, 2006