Not much contact from my date after sex. Should I be worried?
July 31, 2019 2:28 AM Subscribe
I've been seeing this guy for 5 dates in two months. We live 1.5 hours by car away. When we're together it's good but when we're apart I don't hear from him much. Shoul I be worried?
I met this guy on tinder about two months ago. I'm 26F and he's 24M. We live in different cities about 1.5 hours away but we managed to meet up as I happened to visit his city on a holiday. The first date went very well. We spent 4 hours together, did various activities, kissed when we separated. Second date was two weeks later when I drove down to his place. Stayed over but I slept in his room when he slept on the couch. We made out on second date as well. The third date happened after 3 weeks when he trained for 2 hours to visit me as he doesn't have a car. We spent pretty much the whole weeked together from Friday evening to Sunday morning with going out for movie and dinner, playing boardgames in the house etc. We ended up sharing the bed and doing a lot of sexual activities that weekend as well (fingering, he went down on me). We tried to have full sex but didn't really work out as the condom didn't fit. And on the 4th date which was 2 weeks later I drove down to see him again from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. I was on period that weekend so we just did foreplay but no full sex again. A week later I went to his city to watch rugby with friends and stayed over at his place after the game. This time he found a right size condom and some lube so we finally had proper sex lol. And that was this past weekend.
He did text me on Sunday soon after I left to tell me I left my hair tie behind and I said "it's ok. I have a lot of those. Just take care of them for me haha". He didn't reply to that. When I got home I texted him saying I made it home. After 2 hours he asked how the ride was. And then we texted a little bit more until he's heading off bed and said good night to me. Now it's Wednesday night and I haven't heard from him since.
He's not big at initiating texts from the begining. Before we met we just exchange 1-2 text every 1 or 2 days. After the first one or two dates he actually told me to text him. And everytime after we met he would normally text me soon on the same day. And then we might go quiet for 2-3 days and either he or I would initiate a conversation mid week and later the week. As soon as we text tho we normally try to keep the conversation going until one of us goes to sleep and say good night to each other. He did say something like I'm always welcome round and his house is my house.
On Sunday after we had morning sex I asked him "You're not doing this with other people are you?" with a light and casual tone. He said "No. are you worried?" And I went "No. Just checking." then we just changed the subject. So I guess it was not an exclusive not since we still both still have tinder.
He was still very affectionate after sex tho. Very cuddly and still a lot of kissing and touching. And we did have some meaningful conversations after sex. So I guess I'm just being a little sensitive and insecure after having proper sex with him. I have to admit I did get attatched a little so maybe I won't do it again. And just worry that he might have lost interest or trying to pull back after sleeping with me. Normally if I want to talk to him I wouldn't have problem sending a text to him. But this time I just want to wait and see when he will take the initiative to contact me? Is there a chance he's doing the same thing and just try to play it cool? Is it too soon if I try to talk to him about our communication or even exclucisity at this stage?
I met this guy on tinder about two months ago. I'm 26F and he's 24M. We live in different cities about 1.5 hours away but we managed to meet up as I happened to visit his city on a holiday. The first date went very well. We spent 4 hours together, did various activities, kissed when we separated. Second date was two weeks later when I drove down to his place. Stayed over but I slept in his room when he slept on the couch. We made out on second date as well. The third date happened after 3 weeks when he trained for 2 hours to visit me as he doesn't have a car. We spent pretty much the whole weeked together from Friday evening to Sunday morning with going out for movie and dinner, playing boardgames in the house etc. We ended up sharing the bed and doing a lot of sexual activities that weekend as well (fingering, he went down on me). We tried to have full sex but didn't really work out as the condom didn't fit. And on the 4th date which was 2 weeks later I drove down to see him again from Saturday afternoon to Sunday afternoon. I was on period that weekend so we just did foreplay but no full sex again. A week later I went to his city to watch rugby with friends and stayed over at his place after the game. This time he found a right size condom and some lube so we finally had proper sex lol. And that was this past weekend.
He did text me on Sunday soon after I left to tell me I left my hair tie behind and I said "it's ok. I have a lot of those. Just take care of them for me haha". He didn't reply to that. When I got home I texted him saying I made it home. After 2 hours he asked how the ride was. And then we texted a little bit more until he's heading off bed and said good night to me. Now it's Wednesday night and I haven't heard from him since.
He's not big at initiating texts from the begining. Before we met we just exchange 1-2 text every 1 or 2 days. After the first one or two dates he actually told me to text him. And everytime after we met he would normally text me soon on the same day. And then we might go quiet for 2-3 days and either he or I would initiate a conversation mid week and later the week. As soon as we text tho we normally try to keep the conversation going until one of us goes to sleep and say good night to each other. He did say something like I'm always welcome round and his house is my house.
On Sunday after we had morning sex I asked him "You're not doing this with other people are you?" with a light and casual tone. He said "No. are you worried?" And I went "No. Just checking." then we just changed the subject. So I guess it was not an exclusive not since we still both still have tinder.
He was still very affectionate after sex tho. Very cuddly and still a lot of kissing and touching. And we did have some meaningful conversations after sex. So I guess I'm just being a little sensitive and insecure after having proper sex with him. I have to admit I did get attatched a little so maybe I won't do it again. And just worry that he might have lost interest or trying to pull back after sleeping with me. Normally if I want to talk to him I wouldn't have problem sending a text to him. But this time I just want to wait and see when he will take the initiative to contact me? Is there a chance he's doing the same thing and just try to play it cool? Is it too soon if I try to talk to him about our communication or even exclucisity at this stage?
You're calculating points like this is a game, when this guy has already told you the winning strategy: text him. You want to hear from him, so text him!
posted by DarlingBri at 4:03 AM on July 31, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:03 AM on July 31, 2019 [12 favorites]
You have an established pattern for communication - that you are the initiator of most texts and that sometimes you go a couple of days without - that you are now hoping will magically change literally without saying anything. That is setting him and you up for failure.
I don't think that pattern is all that healthy - It puts a lot of emotional burden on you - so changing it would be good, but going radio silent is not the way to do it.
As for the question of whether it is too early: it is never too early to ask for what you need in a relationship. It isn't clingy or needy to want better communication. If he gets scared off as a result, well, did you really want to date a child who is scared to be asked to text you more often?
posted by jacquilynne at 4:56 AM on July 31, 2019 [9 favorites]
I don't think that pattern is all that healthy - It puts a lot of emotional burden on you - so changing it would be good, but going radio silent is not the way to do it.
As for the question of whether it is too early: it is never too early to ask for what you need in a relationship. It isn't clingy or needy to want better communication. If he gets scared off as a result, well, did you really want to date a child who is scared to be asked to text you more often?
posted by jacquilynne at 4:56 AM on July 31, 2019 [9 favorites]
Is it too soon if I try to talk to him about our communication or even exclucisity at this stage?
No, go for it.
posted by bunderful at 4:57 AM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
No, go for it.
posted by bunderful at 4:57 AM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's never too soon to talk about communication! We sometimes need to re-calibrate with new dates. It's totally normal and talking about it doesn't need to be scary.
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:22 AM on July 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Dressed to Kill at 5:22 AM on July 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
Good news -- I don't see any red flags here! I would text him something sweet/sexy, like "I can't stop thinking about last weekend <3" - but that's me. He might be having similar anxiety about how you're feeling.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:42 AM on July 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by DoubleLune at 5:42 AM on July 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think you should reach out. Still, I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. I too would be bothered by a partner who never initiated texting with me, or who offloaded most of the burden of texting on me. Doesn't mean he's a bad partner or dishonest guy, just that this is a legtimate gripe to have with someone you're serious enough to be sexually involved wtih.
posted by shaademaan at 7:30 AM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by shaademaan at 7:30 AM on July 31, 2019 [3 favorites]
Still, I don't think you're being oversensitive at all. I too would be bothered by a partner who never initiated texting with me, or who offloaded most of the burden of texting on me. Doesn't mean he's a bad partner or dishonest guy, just that this is a legitimate gripe to have with someone you're serious enough to be sexually involved with.
I agree with this. I'm 38 and I date a lot and it's only recently that I've finally been completely honest with myself that a man who doesn't equally share in the burden of text communication is not someone I can remain involved with, no matter what the nature of the relationship is (even something that's casual still needs to demonstrate respect for the other person's time and energy, and confer a reasonable amount of appreciation and enthusiasm for the arrangement). The other person being a crappy texter (or whatever the communication medium is) doesn't make them bad or wrong, but it's something *I* need, and I need to respect that about myself.
posted by anderjen at 7:52 AM on July 31, 2019 [9 favorites]
I agree with this. I'm 38 and I date a lot and it's only recently that I've finally been completely honest with myself that a man who doesn't equally share in the burden of text communication is not someone I can remain involved with, no matter what the nature of the relationship is (even something that's casual still needs to demonstrate respect for the other person's time and energy, and confer a reasonable amount of appreciation and enthusiasm for the arrangement). The other person being a crappy texter (or whatever the communication medium is) doesn't make them bad or wrong, but it's something *I* need, and I need to respect that about myself.
posted by anderjen at 7:52 AM on July 31, 2019 [9 favorites]
No matter what, you shouldn't worry. Because worrying is not good for you, and not helpful. I know- easier said than done! But just pointing out that it's not something that's necessary.
The situation is what it is. Believe me, I feel you- I'm an extremely anxious dater. However what I'm realizing is that picking apart and parsing a dating scenario isn't actually helpful. First of all, focus on what you want and how you feel, and go from there- don't try to just analyze how is he feeling. That's completely secondary.
Second of all, take a step back, try to relax, and then with a calmer mind, see the situation with some perspective. What does your intuition tell you? What do you want? Then go from there. You don't need to be sitting around worrying about un-received texts, ever.
posted by bearette at 11:46 AM on July 31, 2019
The situation is what it is. Believe me, I feel you- I'm an extremely anxious dater. However what I'm realizing is that picking apart and parsing a dating scenario isn't actually helpful. First of all, focus on what you want and how you feel, and go from there- don't try to just analyze how is he feeling. That's completely secondary.
Second of all, take a step back, try to relax, and then with a calmer mind, see the situation with some perspective. What does your intuition tell you? What do you want? Then go from there. You don't need to be sitting around worrying about un-received texts, ever.
posted by bearette at 11:46 AM on July 31, 2019
I say text him, and talk about what you both want going forward on your next date.
You are a reasonable distance apart, will you alternate visits? How often do you need to see one another? All good things to talk about. Are you exclusive? Maybe you won't want to be if he can't commit to visiting you regularly or you have different expectations.
posted by lafemma at 11:58 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
You are a reasonable distance apart, will you alternate visits? How often do you need to see one another? All good things to talk about. Are you exclusive? Maybe you won't want to be if he can't commit to visiting you regularly or you have different expectations.
posted by lafemma at 11:58 AM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
Having to guess his feelings is generally a red flag, in my opinion.
I wasted a lot of time on 'relationships' like this throughout my twenties.
posted by thereader at 7:17 PM on July 31, 2019 [4 favorites]
I wasted a lot of time on 'relationships' like this throughout my twenties.
posted by thereader at 7:17 PM on July 31, 2019 [4 favorites]
I don't think he's showng a lack of interest; infact, I think he's showing the opposite. He told you to text him and has shown that he's not a big texter, but will show interest in other ways.
You don't need to be worried, but you do need to decide if this is okay with you. It wouldn't be okay with me. I'm an anxious person and I would need more consistent contact from my partner in order to feel secure. I would absolutely feel anxious and unsure in your shoes right now.
You can talk to him and see if he'd be able to increase his contact with you if you guys stay together more long-term. If he can't do that, you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker. It's okay if it is. You are absolutely not overreacting; communication styles will make or break a relationship. Good luck!
posted by Amy93 at 9:07 PM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
You don't need to be worried, but you do need to decide if this is okay with you. It wouldn't be okay with me. I'm an anxious person and I would need more consistent contact from my partner in order to feel secure. I would absolutely feel anxious and unsure in your shoes right now.
You can talk to him and see if he'd be able to increase his contact with you if you guys stay together more long-term. If he can't do that, you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker. It's okay if it is. You are absolutely not overreacting; communication styles will make or break a relationship. Good luck!
posted by Amy93 at 9:07 PM on July 31, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hmmm guess I'm not doubting that he WAS interested in me at the begining but I'm just worried he might have lost interest or become less interest after our last date.
posted by yellowpurplered at 2:01 AM on August 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by yellowpurplered at 2:01 AM on August 1, 2019 [1 favorite]
Hmmm guess I'm not doubting that he WAS interested in me at the begining but I'm just worried he might have lost interest or become less interest after our last date.
I invite you to really analyze this thought because it subscribes to the notion that men are only after women for sex; that once they get it, you have no more value; that you therefore should not" give away the milk" when you can make them "buy the cow" and that having a boyfriend or husband is a status prize you win with your vagina.
Absolutely none of that is true. Yes there are men who ghost women after sex; there are likewise women who ghost men after sex. That is probably not what's going on here, but again -- you want to hear from him, so talk to him. Anything else is just game playing.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:45 AM on August 1, 2019
I invite you to really analyze this thought because it subscribes to the notion that men are only after women for sex; that once they get it, you have no more value; that you therefore should not" give away the milk" when you can make them "buy the cow" and that having a boyfriend or husband is a status prize you win with your vagina.
Absolutely none of that is true. Yes there are men who ghost women after sex; there are likewise women who ghost men after sex. That is probably not what's going on here, but again -- you want to hear from him, so talk to him. Anything else is just game playing.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:45 AM on August 1, 2019
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posted by yellowpurplered at 2:49 AM on July 31, 2019