Scooby-Doo, please unmask the anxiety-maker in my home.
July 7, 2019 9:42 AM Subscribe
I've had my feline companions for about seven months now. Signs may indicate that they aren't happy here. How do you make that call?
Sometime around February, my boy (adopted in December) started crying at lights-out time. Initially, we thought it was due to our closed-door policy in the bedroom, which was necessary while my allergic partner adjusted to their dander. After months of attempting to cease the crying (see below), it got so bad that my partner gave in and allowed them both in the bedroom.
Unfortunately, that didn't do the trick. Since then, the boy has taken on his own private ritual of standing on my partner's desk (specifically, on top of the printer), pawing at the corner of the room, and baying loudly. Sometimes he cries at the corner, other times he stares over at us in the bed and cries. There may follow other restless behaviors: jumping on and off of the bed and/or desk, trying to get at the window, etc. The only thing that calms him is if I (specifically me) leave the bedroom and sleep either in my work studio or the living room. This has led to months and months of disrupted and/or uncomfortable sleep, to say nothing of the negative impact on my primary relationship.
We have tried everything, up to and including: routine check-up for other issues, Feliway plug-ins, feline CBD, lights on/lights off, soothing music/no music, white noise machine/total quiet, timed 4am snacking/feeding, windows open/closed, vigorous playtime before bed, self-play toys to stave off boredom, checking litterbox or other voiding problems. I've hired a cat behaviorist, asked their vet, and talked to the folks at the rescue where we adopted them.
It's not a matter of loneliness or separation anxiety, because he has the perfectly clear option of cuddling up, but doesn't. The only thing that's helped so far is to crate him in the living room with blankets over the cage, canary-style, and even then he cries himself to sleep at night and starts up again at first light. Plus, I don't think it's humane, nor should it be necessary, to crate a free animal every single night in perpetuity. He just isn't getting the hint, and/or whatever's upsetting him is so bad that he can't help himself. Also, his sister - always her big brother's copycat - has now started doing the same thing, except she's even more crazy and active (sitting on my face, pouncing on my partner, etc).
Additional data: Round about the time they turned a year old, they both got incurably, irritatingly obsessed with going outside. (Most of their chill stations around the house are in windows.) Now, I have a strict indoors-only policy around cats, for all the usual ethical and health-related reasons, but they started literally busting out screens until I had them replaced with pet screen and reinforced with locks. So, after much experimentation, I devised a collapsible outdoor fence that I was able to put up and take down without violating the "no building" section of our lease. Of course, the little monsters then learned how to jump and/or scale the fence and escape into the neighbors' yards. And when they're inside during the day, it's constant wailing and pining to go back out.
All of which is to say ... as a lifelong cat owner, I know Cats Are Weird™, but I've never had cats who put so much effort into being audibly and visibly unhappy. They seem super-weird and anxious when they're in the house, and then literally scale walls to get away from it when they're outside. (My upstairs neighbor made mention of a ghost or a spirit that visits in the exact spot of our house where the cats freak out, but despite my own beliefs, I know better than to make much of that here at MeFi.) My partner and I both love them, and we have good relationships with the cats unto themselves, but there's just something about this place that isn't working for them.
I'm a volunteer at the shelter where we got them, and they've been intimately involved in helping me troubleshoot all these issues. They've repeatedly said it's OK to return them under the circumstances, since they know how hard we've tried and how much we obviously love them. But doing so would absolutely crush me.
Kitty Prozac is, of course, an option, but I feel like if it's a choice between drugging them against their will and helping them find a better (?) home, the humane option is the only real one. But, y'know. They're my babies.
What now?
Sometime around February, my boy (adopted in December) started crying at lights-out time. Initially, we thought it was due to our closed-door policy in the bedroom, which was necessary while my allergic partner adjusted to their dander. After months of attempting to cease the crying (see below), it got so bad that my partner gave in and allowed them both in the bedroom.
Unfortunately, that didn't do the trick. Since then, the boy has taken on his own private ritual of standing on my partner's desk (specifically, on top of the printer), pawing at the corner of the room, and baying loudly. Sometimes he cries at the corner, other times he stares over at us in the bed and cries. There may follow other restless behaviors: jumping on and off of the bed and/or desk, trying to get at the window, etc. The only thing that calms him is if I (specifically me) leave the bedroom and sleep either in my work studio or the living room. This has led to months and months of disrupted and/or uncomfortable sleep, to say nothing of the negative impact on my primary relationship.
We have tried everything, up to and including: routine check-up for other issues, Feliway plug-ins, feline CBD, lights on/lights off, soothing music/no music, white noise machine/total quiet, timed 4am snacking/feeding, windows open/closed, vigorous playtime before bed, self-play toys to stave off boredom, checking litterbox or other voiding problems. I've hired a cat behaviorist, asked their vet, and talked to the folks at the rescue where we adopted them.
It's not a matter of loneliness or separation anxiety, because he has the perfectly clear option of cuddling up, but doesn't. The only thing that's helped so far is to crate him in the living room with blankets over the cage, canary-style, and even then he cries himself to sleep at night and starts up again at first light. Plus, I don't think it's humane, nor should it be necessary, to crate a free animal every single night in perpetuity. He just isn't getting the hint, and/or whatever's upsetting him is so bad that he can't help himself. Also, his sister - always her big brother's copycat - has now started doing the same thing, except she's even more crazy and active (sitting on my face, pouncing on my partner, etc).
Additional data: Round about the time they turned a year old, they both got incurably, irritatingly obsessed with going outside. (Most of their chill stations around the house are in windows.) Now, I have a strict indoors-only policy around cats, for all the usual ethical and health-related reasons, but they started literally busting out screens until I had them replaced with pet screen and reinforced with locks. So, after much experimentation, I devised a collapsible outdoor fence that I was able to put up and take down without violating the "no building" section of our lease. Of course, the little monsters then learned how to jump and/or scale the fence and escape into the neighbors' yards. And when they're inside during the day, it's constant wailing and pining to go back out.
All of which is to say ... as a lifelong cat owner, I know Cats Are Weird™, but I've never had cats who put so much effort into being audibly and visibly unhappy. They seem super-weird and anxious when they're in the house, and then literally scale walls to get away from it when they're outside. (My upstairs neighbor made mention of a ghost or a spirit that visits in the exact spot of our house where the cats freak out, but despite my own beliefs, I know better than to make much of that here at MeFi.) My partner and I both love them, and we have good relationships with the cats unto themselves, but there's just something about this place that isn't working for them.
I'm a volunteer at the shelter where we got them, and they've been intimately involved in helping me troubleshoot all these issues. They've repeatedly said it's OK to return them under the circumstances, since they know how hard we've tried and how much we obviously love them. But doing so would absolutely crush me.
Kitty Prozac is, of course, an option, but I feel like if it's a choice between drugging them against their will and helping them find a better (?) home, the humane option is the only real one. But, y'know. They're my babies.
What now?
Seconding the idea that there is something outside thats triggering them, most likely that they can hear/smell from the bedroom area. Mice, squirrels, any rodent really? A bird nest just outside? Other outdoor cats?
posted by cgg at 10:00 AM on July 7, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by cgg at 10:00 AM on July 7, 2019 [3 favorites]
Yup. Thirding. My cats go nuts like that over flies or moths!
posted by crw at 10:02 AM on July 7, 2019
posted by crw at 10:02 AM on July 7, 2019
Response by poster: Thanks all. I'll look into humane pest and rodent control today. I'm not sure why it would make a difference if I sleep in one of the other rooms, though. That always stops them.
posted by mykescipark at 10:08 AM on July 7, 2019
posted by mykescipark at 10:08 AM on July 7, 2019
It sounds like he thinks he's protecting you from whatever it is, or that perhaps he thinks you are responsible for eradicating foe. If you more bonded to the cats than your partner is that could be the case.
posted by sockermom at 10:12 AM on July 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 10:12 AM on July 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
On a different note, there’s nothing wrong with taking psych meds. Some cats, like some humans, need that extra support. I’d check out what other people have said above first, but I wouldn’t rule out meds as inhumane, or as a worse option than giving them up.
posted by bile and syntax at 10:51 AM on July 7, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 10:51 AM on July 7, 2019 [8 favorites]
My first thought was rodents as well, or even raccoons. It could even be a sound or shadow that bothers them. This lines up with my personal theory about most “hauntings,” and more germane to this discussion, my own cat’s behavior. If there’s a corner she makes weird noises and motions toward, I know there is or was something there. (One time it was just a ladybug! Maybe it’ll be a cute problem for you too.)
I find that cats aren’t weird at all and I don’t find that a useful explanation for pet problems— they just have limited ways to communicate with us, and different priorities, and it’s a disservice to dismiss unusual behavior that way when they may be under distress, as you have found. For example, when you evacuate the room, perhaps that’s a favorable outcome in cat-world, because you have heeded the cat’s warnings about prey (or a predator, depending on what may be there.) That’s not weird, that’s good catting!
I’d pay more attention to the corner and see what you find. Gorgeous kitties, btw!
posted by kapers at 11:00 AM on July 7, 2019 [7 favorites]
I find that cats aren’t weird at all and I don’t find that a useful explanation for pet problems— they just have limited ways to communicate with us, and different priorities, and it’s a disservice to dismiss unusual behavior that way when they may be under distress, as you have found. For example, when you evacuate the room, perhaps that’s a favorable outcome in cat-world, because you have heeded the cat’s warnings about prey (or a predator, depending on what may be there.) That’s not weird, that’s good catting!
I’d pay more attention to the corner and see what you find. Gorgeous kitties, btw!
posted by kapers at 11:00 AM on July 7, 2019 [7 favorites]
What about a trial of kitty Prozac (agreeing with bile's view above) while working on the behavioral changes. It works in humans. Meds don't have to be an all or nothing thing.
About psych meds... would you say the same thing to a human child who needs help? In that case, giving the meds to a kid could be thought of giving them meds against their will.
The description of "drugging" also bothers me. Would you say the same thing to a human friend?
I guess I don't see the difference between a beloved pet and a family member/friend.
(sorry if this comes off harsh. i don't mean it to be)
posted by kathrynm at 11:52 AM on July 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
About psych meds... would you say the same thing to a human child who needs help? In that case, giving the meds to a kid could be thought of giving them meds against their will.
The description of "drugging" also bothers me. Would you say the same thing to a human friend?
I guess I don't see the difference between a beloved pet and a family member/friend.
(sorry if this comes off harsh. i don't mean it to be)
posted by kathrynm at 11:52 AM on July 7, 2019 [4 favorites]
Since you mentioned that they're obsessed with going outside, I will note that I had the same problem of nighttime caterwauling with a cat who has chilled out significantly since I bought a free-standing completely enclosed cat shelter from Australia. Me mail me if you would be interested in a link. I'm a renter and the landlord seemed fine with it. It seems to have significantly calmed him down and yes he's out there all the time.
posted by whistle pig at 2:17 PM on July 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by whistle pig at 2:17 PM on July 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
A long shot since he's adopted from a shelter, but both cats are properly spayed / neutered and all that, right?
posted by cgg at 4:36 PM on July 7, 2019
posted by cgg at 4:36 PM on July 7, 2019
I agree with medication. You can have them medicated for a few months, while they ‘forget’ the old behaviors and just chill out. Then you can back down the meds and see if the issues come back.
posted by MountainDaisy at 4:43 PM on July 7, 2019
posted by MountainDaisy at 4:43 PM on July 7, 2019
When my cat was sad/nighttime yowly about the transition from outdoor to indoor life, the thing that helped most (like you, I tried a lot of things) was a very tall piece of cat furniture, placed next to a window. I believe this was because it satisfied his desire to climb things and stare at birds while making weird clicky noises, but I can't be 100% sure.
You might also try rearranging the furniture in the corner that they seem to find so troubling, if that's an option.
posted by dizziest at 4:47 PM on July 7, 2019
You might also try rearranging the furniture in the corner that they seem to find so troubling, if that's an option.
posted by dizziest at 4:47 PM on July 7, 2019
Pretty much every other explanation given thus far is more likely-but I wonder if there is some device in your home which might be making ultrasonic noise only the cats can hear, and when you're altering your routine, you're turning something on or off which makes noise. Many electronic devices now use "switching" power supplies which have the potential for emitting high pitched whistling... sometimes they get louder when in use, and some can be louder in standby. Years ago when we had three cats, I prototyped an ultrasonic cat repeller to try to keep our cats out of a particular area of our house. One cat was utterly terrified by it and would flee, one cat could hear the sound (would turn and look) but seemed unbothered, and the third cat couldn't hear it at all. So, different cats may react differently. You could try using an audio spectrum analyzer (not sure if a phone app would be good enough) to check for ultrasonic sounds in your home.
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 6:15 PM on July 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by Larry David Syndrome at 6:15 PM on July 7, 2019 [2 favorites]
I was wondering the same thing as Larry David Syndrome.
posted by oneirodynia at 6:40 PM on July 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by oneirodynia at 6:40 PM on July 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Hi friends. Thank you for all the super-thoughtful suggestions. Lots here for me to think about and try. I feel slightly less hopeless than I did before. (Although, as we don't own our property, I'm a little afraid of what it would cost me to get a four-unit house humanely treated for rodents.)
On the subject of meds, I apologize if I expressed that in a poor or affronting manner. I advocate strongly for (and have been a personal beneficiary of) medications of all kinds, however they will best serve the creature taking them, regardless of species. My differently-wired old lady cat lived to be almost 20, but my recollection is that such medications for cats weren't quite as developed back then, so I ruled them out kinda by force. I haven't had occasion to update my philosophical firmware on the subject until now, but rest assured if that's what he needs, that's what I'll do.
posted by mykescipark at 7:11 PM on July 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
On the subject of meds, I apologize if I expressed that in a poor or affronting manner. I advocate strongly for (and have been a personal beneficiary of) medications of all kinds, however they will best serve the creature taking them, regardless of species. My differently-wired old lady cat lived to be almost 20, but my recollection is that such medications for cats weren't quite as developed back then, so I ruled them out kinda by force. I haven't had occasion to update my philosophical firmware on the subject until now, but rest assured if that's what he needs, that's what I'll do.
posted by mykescipark at 7:11 PM on July 7, 2019 [1 favorite]
I know your lease says no building, but considering it's a mobile structure that could be moved when you move, any chance of installing a nice secure catio and a cat door so they can go out at night but still be safe?
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:33 AM on July 8, 2019
posted by WidgetAlley at 12:33 AM on July 8, 2019
Welcome to my world! We adopted a male tuxedo kitten a few years ago. His name is Kato, and he has just this year calmed down enough that he doesn't sit on the nightstand and meow pitifully in my husband's ear.
The only solution was for my husband to get up and sit in his recliner in the living room, thus, Kato would jump onto the back of his favorite chair (the one with the mushy cushion) and promptly go back to sleep.
He also likes to come and cry at me during the day, especially when I am concentrating on something. If I go sit on the couch, he will bound onto his Snuggie blanket, which he loves to pad and suck on, and I must pet him, but only on the head. If I stop petting, he stands up, stares at me, and taps me on the arm with his paw. I have to do this until he decides to finally settle down for his morning nap.
He is famous for running around, through window curtains and out the other side, and has twice knocked the curtains down, in recent memory.
Kato loves to knock things off of tables. Once, I caught him shoving my husband's empty coffee cup, and caught it just as it was perfectly balanced on the side table. Nudge, nudge, nudge, let's knock it on the floor! Because it's so much fun!
I got Kato a scratching pad, a 3-tiered rolling ball toy, seen in this pic of our calm female cat, Miss MoneyPenny. He quickly tires of ALL toys, thus, I have to play with him using a cat dancer type toy, and wear him out. He will also chase toys and play fetch, but they all get lost, until I do a toy sweep under the furniture with my yard stick. He is so fast, he will be at the precise location where I am aiming a toy, and catch it in mid-air with his paws, which have extra thumbs (making it easier to grab and shove things off of tables).
I have had a few male tuxedo cats, and in my experience, they were more needy than cats of other colors. One had to be picked up every morning, and petted and petted and petted, then maybe I could put him on a soft folded blanket, and he might stay there. Or he might come back and have to do it all over again. Another used to climb onto the back of the couch and pad and suck on my hair (I got him a stuffed dog, which had long fur, and that was his surrogate mommy for a while). We had a black and white cat when I was a child, and when his mommy cat gave birth to another litter, he was right there amongst the kittens, nursing away at 9 months old, a big old glom.
I think Kato and other male tuxedos are just slower to mature than other cats. He is still high energy, races around a few times a day, and yet, he is just so goofy and affectionate, he is adorable. Never hisses or scratches people, enjoys belly rubs, and comes when I call, like a little puppy dog. I'd say give it time, if you are able, because they will grow up, but the baby years for these boys are longer than for other cats (male orange tiger cats seem to lurve sleeping a lot, in my experience, for instance).
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:05 AM on July 8, 2019
The only solution was for my husband to get up and sit in his recliner in the living room, thus, Kato would jump onto the back of his favorite chair (the one with the mushy cushion) and promptly go back to sleep.
He also likes to come and cry at me during the day, especially when I am concentrating on something. If I go sit on the couch, he will bound onto his Snuggie blanket, which he loves to pad and suck on, and I must pet him, but only on the head. If I stop petting, he stands up, stares at me, and taps me on the arm with his paw. I have to do this until he decides to finally settle down for his morning nap.
He is famous for running around, through window curtains and out the other side, and has twice knocked the curtains down, in recent memory.
Kato loves to knock things off of tables. Once, I caught him shoving my husband's empty coffee cup, and caught it just as it was perfectly balanced on the side table. Nudge, nudge, nudge, let's knock it on the floor! Because it's so much fun!
I got Kato a scratching pad, a 3-tiered rolling ball toy, seen in this pic of our calm female cat, Miss MoneyPenny. He quickly tires of ALL toys, thus, I have to play with him using a cat dancer type toy, and wear him out. He will also chase toys and play fetch, but they all get lost, until I do a toy sweep under the furniture with my yard stick. He is so fast, he will be at the precise location where I am aiming a toy, and catch it in mid-air with his paws, which have extra thumbs (making it easier to grab and shove things off of tables).
I have had a few male tuxedo cats, and in my experience, they were more needy than cats of other colors. One had to be picked up every morning, and petted and petted and petted, then maybe I could put him on a soft folded blanket, and he might stay there. Or he might come back and have to do it all over again. Another used to climb onto the back of the couch and pad and suck on my hair (I got him a stuffed dog, which had long fur, and that was his surrogate mommy for a while). We had a black and white cat when I was a child, and when his mommy cat gave birth to another litter, he was right there amongst the kittens, nursing away at 9 months old, a big old glom.
I think Kato and other male tuxedos are just slower to mature than other cats. He is still high energy, races around a few times a day, and yet, he is just so goofy and affectionate, he is adorable. Never hisses or scratches people, enjoys belly rubs, and comes when I call, like a little puppy dog. I'd say give it time, if you are able, because they will grow up, but the baby years for these boys are longer than for other cats (male orange tiger cats seem to lurve sleeping a lot, in my experience, for instance).
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 3:05 AM on July 8, 2019
Can you (even if temporarily as an experiment) totally clear out that corner?
Take everything out and put it elsewhere and see if he still cries in the corner at night. If not, put items back one at a time and see which one triggers him. Probably won't solve it if he was already acting up before you let him into the bedroom, but will at least help you eliminate possible shadows/inaudible-to-you sounds/objects that are upsetting him so you know to look elsewhere.
posted by penguin pie at 4:15 AM on July 8, 2019
Take everything out and put it elsewhere and see if he still cries in the corner at night. If not, put items back one at a time and see which one triggers him. Probably won't solve it if he was already acting up before you let him into the bedroom, but will at least help you eliminate possible shadows/inaudible-to-you sounds/objects that are upsetting him so you know to look elsewhere.
posted by penguin pie at 4:15 AM on July 8, 2019
Younger cats may still have quite a bit of prey drive and desire. Thanks for keeping them in, because domestic cats damage the bird population quite a bit. Can you get any motorized toys to keep them more active, and satisfy their prey drive, give them exercise?
When I had cats they liked plastic toys that skittered across floors - plastic bottle tops, barrettes, ping pong balls, actual cat toys sometimes, feathers. If I tied something to a doorknob with yarn, it would get tons of happy batting about. Just like with kids, I rotated toys because novelty is a thing.
posted by theora55 at 9:42 AM on July 8, 2019
When I had cats they liked plastic toys that skittered across floors - plastic bottle tops, barrettes, ping pong balls, actual cat toys sometimes, feathers. If I tied something to a doorknob with yarn, it would get tons of happy batting about. Just like with kids, I rotated toys because novelty is a thing.
posted by theora55 at 9:42 AM on July 8, 2019
In my experience, letting cats go outside makes them way whinier about wanting to go outside. It subsides somewhat with extended strict no-outside periods, but doesn't seem to go back to pre-outside levels.
Your cats are adorable, and it's understandable that they are bending you to their will. But they are whining and being obnoxious because you have responded to them whining and being obnoxious. I promise that your cat will not be irreparably damaged by being crated overnight. If you can lock them both in a bathroom with water and a litter box, so much the better. Give them some attention and cuddles in the bathroom, then lock them in for the night. Don't respond to meowing at all, day or night. Adult cats only meow to communicate with humans, and they tailor their meows to be as annoying as possible to you. Be strong. A life with you, crated at night, is way better than going back to the shelter for an indeterminate amount of time.
posted by momus_window at 2:39 PM on July 8, 2019
Your cats are adorable, and it's understandable that they are bending you to their will. But they are whining and being obnoxious because you have responded to them whining and being obnoxious. I promise that your cat will not be irreparably damaged by being crated overnight. If you can lock them both in a bathroom with water and a litter box, so much the better. Give them some attention and cuddles in the bathroom, then lock them in for the night. Don't respond to meowing at all, day or night. Adult cats only meow to communicate with humans, and they tailor their meows to be as annoying as possible to you. Be strong. A life with you, crated at night, is way better than going back to the shelter for an indeterminate amount of time.
posted by momus_window at 2:39 PM on July 8, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by bilabial at 9:54 AM on July 7, 2019 [11 favorites]