Eulogy help

July 3, 2019 8:56 AM

My grandfather died unexpectedly early into a long-term illness. I have been asked to speak on behalf of "the grandchildren" for "a few minutes". I have no idea what to say.

My grandfather passed away after a brief illness that would only have gotten much worse. He was married to my grandmother for 56 years, had four children, five grandchildren, and was a wonderful man. There is a celebration of life being held at the local Legion this weekend and I have been asked to speak on behalf of the grandchildren. There will be four other people speaking, I think before me, so I don't want to do a long bio section or cover the same ground, and it has to be only a few minutes.

I have never seen a eulogy or a celebration of life before. What do people say at these things?

Some brief bio details in case it helps: married his high school sweetheart, 40+ year union construction worker, built a cottage with his own hands, loved to tinker, quiet man, great moustache, watched all kinds of late night talk shows and Saturday Night Live, played guitar, bit of a hardass. Deeply loved.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (19 answers total)

I did this at my grandmother's funeral. It was one of the hardest and most rewarding things I've ever done. My approach was to think and remember very deeply about the ways that she affected me and my cousins throughout our childhood. I didn't sugarcoat it (she was a bit of a hardass too!), which people really liked, but I mostly focused on her EXTREMELY net positive effects on us -- she was a lifelong educator, and taught her grandchildren with patience and vigor.

I told a couple of meaningful stories that I thought her kids and grandkids would enjoy hearing (my family is into repeating stories), talked about how amazing she and my grandfather were as a team, and just generally reveled in remembering how much she mattered to all of us.

It was hard to give the performance, but I just took a deep breath and focused, and only cried a little. In the end, I'm so grateful to have had the opportunity to do this, and you will be too I bet.

And remember -- everyone there loves you, and loved him too, and will be super happy to hear your memories and thoughts. Good luck!
posted by nosila at 9:02 AM on July 3, 2019 [12 favorites]

Best answer: Since you are speaking on behalf of the grandchildren, can you contact any of the other grandchildren and ask for some stories? Then you can tell a meaningful but brief series of anecdotes about him from the memories of your generation.
posted by epanalepsis at 9:04 AM on July 3, 2019 [15 favorites]

For both eulogies I gave (for my parents, I'm an only child, and we were the only 3 in Canada), I just talked about special memories I had with them. I did small bios, but nothing long.

My mother lived with us (husband, and my two children) so I talked about how Nana influenced them, about how they get to feed the birds now (and while they will hate it, they'll do it in memory of her), how she always had tennis on (and how we will watch Wimbledon Finals in honour of her). Of her idiosyncrasies that drove them crazy (she said "CHEEWWWSday" or " MICdonalds") Her strong belief in Unions and how that influenced the kids. How we would go on without her, but the loss was immeasurable. How my husband would miss fighting politics with her.
posted by Ftsqg at 9:08 AM on July 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

I went to my grandpa's funeral in college and as the oldest grandkid I felt I should say something, but to be honest I hadn't really known him that well. But as a grandkid, I felt like I had something unique to add to the anecdotes about the man himself that everyone was sharing: namely, that he and my grandma had created an extended family of incredible people that I felt really lucky to be a part of. His values, intelligence, and humor had been passed down and magnified and were still in the world through all the people in attendance, and had helped shape me even though I didn't know him well, and I would always be grateful for that. It went over very well with his kids/my aunts and uncles.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:19 AM on July 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Yes, I echo the above: my bubbe died recently and I was nominated to speak for the family. My siblings and I sat down and shared some of our favorite memories/stories, and I basically just talked about those for a few minutes. The rabbi gave a longer speech with details from her life etc, so I focused on stuff that was more personal to us.
posted by leesh at 9:31 AM on July 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

Talk to the other grandchildren and ask what memories or thoughts they would like to be shared.You don’t have to include them all but it might be helpful.
posted by bunderful at 9:32 AM on July 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

definitely go the personal route, telling stories and how you and the other grandkids were influenced by him. generally the facts of his life will be handled by whoever is doing the service.

One of the best eulogies i have ever heard was from the life long friend of one of my cousins. She told several stories about their times together growing up from the perspective of how their adventures and my cousins outlook on life shaped the way she viewed the world. It was a wonderful tribute.
posted by domino at 9:38 AM on July 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

A sentence or three of what each grandchild wants to remember/be said (name each grandchild), then a brief story you remember/was important to you. That allows each one of you to give input, and makes it easier for you as well. People love to hear stories as it can make them feel even closer to the deceased.

Laughter is ok and provides relief. My best friend gave the best eulogy at my mom’s memorial. I don’t remember what she said, but I remember it was funny, and I was thankful for that.
posted by MountainDaisy at 9:52 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

In a similar circumstance, we had an email out to all the grandchildren asking for stories or anecdotes by X date. A nice way to do it is to pick an anecdote that you think is characteristic of his best qualities and use it to talk about them.
posted by sallybrown at 10:00 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Best answer: I gave the "grandchildren's eulogy" at my grandma's funeral last year. I sent a FB message to my sibs and cousins, asking them for a story or feeling that would always stay with them about grandma. Once I had their replies, I wove the stories and idea fragments together into a five minute reading. I started the reading by saying, "I asked my siblings and cousins to share theirs favorite memories of grandma. Here's what they had to say."

Take time to really focus on what your grandparent meant to the younger generation. Everyone else will cover the bio elements. Don't be afraid to share funny stories or phrases -these are what makes us human.

Last thing: several people noted how moved they were by the fact that throughout the talk I always used the phrase "our grandma" vs. "my grandma" - I think it really helped the memories feel cohesive and collaborative. You're going to do a wonderful job!
posted by WaspEnterprises at 11:13 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

I have never seen a eulogy
Captain Awkward put hers for her grandpa in this post. Get your kleenex ready, you've been warned.
posted by foxjacket at 11:17 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

People come to a memorial service because they loved the person, so I suggest you talk about the specific window of that love that being a grandchild gives you. You'll have a different view than a spouse or an army buddy, for example. Don't worry about how well you did or didn't know him, there will definitely be people who knew him better and you can enjoy hearing about what he was like when he wasn't seen through the grandpa lens.
posted by BeeDo at 12:50 PM on July 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

I organized my mother's funeral and I'm of the age where I've been to quite a few. My experience leads me to say that speaking from the heart is great as long as you know a memorial service is there to celebrate the life of the deceased and help everyone there remember them fondly. Which it sounds like you do. You can't go wrong. I agree with contacting the other grandchildren for fond or funny memories.

Where I have seen many a memorial go haywire is when someone uses it as a time to settle feuds, complain about other people, straighten anyone out, or in any other way make themselves the center of the story.

On the other hand, it wouldn't be a celebration of life (or a wedding, or a bar/bat mitzvah) without creating another awful story to be told at family gatherings.
posted by Peach at 12:53 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

My uncle spoke "for the [5] children" at my grandfather's funeral service. He introduced with a sentence saying his dad was a great dad because he was consistent and ethical. Then he told a quick story to illustrate: uncle was banned from driving for a punishment. Granddad caught uncle sneaking out to the car, asked what he thought he was doing. Uncle explained a friend called, drunk, needing a ride. Granddad got behind the wheel and took uncle to rescue friend. Super short, super poignant, and super memorable. Done. I still get weepy about it, in a good way.
posted by AliceBlue at 1:47 PM on July 3, 2019 [4 favorites]

(and, I am sorry for your loss.)
posted by AliceBlue at 1:47 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

At one funeral, a young woman in a similar situation began with "We always knew there was something dangerous about Uncle Teddy." It got straight to the point:how was this person different and special.
posted by SemiSalt at 6:05 PM on July 3, 2019 [2 favorites]

I think folks have given quite good advice. I have one tiny bit to add: write down what you want to say so you can polish it until you are pleased and don't try to stretch it. Three minutes from the heart beats ten minutes of tortured prose. Also, I have seen people overcome by emotion when delivering a eulogy, so don't be surprised if it affects you strongly. Good luck.

Speaking as a (younger) grandfather, I am sure yours would be very pleased by your effort. Sorry for your family's loss.
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:37 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Just to give you a framework to get started (you may discard it, but having it in your head will help you talk to the other grandkids), pretend your speech outline looks like this:

"All of us grandkids have a different favorite memory about him."

Then name the grandkids (or a subset) one at a time, with a summary of what that grandkid shared with you, like "[Grandkid A] remembers when [brief story summary]. [Grandkid B] once told me about [brief story summary], and you should ask her about it, because she loves to tell it better than I could."

Then dive deep into your own story with "For me, [personal story]".

Then wrap it up with "He gave all of us these unique memories, but there is one memory that all of us share, and will never forget:" and summarize the common thread.

Sorry for your loss, and however you write it, the most important thing to everyone there is that you are there and took the time and care to write anything at all.
posted by davejay at 7:16 PM on July 3, 2019

My grandmother just passed away and we had a couple speakers (including grandkids) and then an open mic where people could talk about their memories of her. The grandkids who spoke mostly told stories about her and her impact on their lives and on our family. One of them had a visual aid - a gift she'd given them when they were younger that made an impact on them into their adult life. There was some overlap between what was said by different people giving speeches and talking at open mic but it didn't matter too much. One of my relatives pointed out that one of the good things about speaking at a funeral is that people expect you to choke up a bit. Good luck - I'm glad I went to my grandmother's memorial - made her passing seem a bit more real - and that I worked up the nerve to speak during open mic even if I bowed out of a full speech myself.
posted by knownfossils at 9:14 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]