Expressing anger in a healthy way

July 2, 2019 4:16 PM

How do you express anger in a healthy way? I don’t always have time to write in my journal, and assertiveness isn’t always appropriate eg if I’m angry at myself, so what else can I do? Please don’t suggest therapy - that is not an option I’m willing to consider- thanks.
posted by EatMyHat to Grab Bag (19 answers total)

a lot depends on why you're angry and where/to whom you wish to express it

physical activity is the only thing I've found that a) actually dissipates anger and b) doesn't leave you feeling like an asshole afterward. taking a walk seems to work just as well as smashing rocks or whatever.

don't go to therapy if you're not interested in therapy, but do examine your angry feelings and try to figure out where they're coming from, whether or not they're rational, what you could do to alleviate them, etc. if you're full of weird inchoate anger that has no source or remedy you can think of, please consider finding some objective, professional third party to check in with in re: your mental health. best of luck to you.
posted by prize bull octorok at 4:27 PM on July 2, 2019 [8 favorites]

For me, anger manifests in an intense surge of energy desperate for an outlet (I feel like I'm going to burst). Playing music helps me - and by that, I mean banging on the piano or singing along to loud music. Or headbanging. The more angry I feel, the more intense the music. This is my own version of burning off that excessive energy in the moment. Others like to use exercise which is also great. If you can't get outside, you can try running up some stairs. Obviously, it's very dependent on where you are in that moment and what works for you.
posted by acidnova at 4:31 PM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

I heard once that anger is a reaction to a boundary being violated. Ever since I heard that when I feel angry I try to think through what I'm actually angry about. All that energy you feel is your body getting all worked up to defend itself. Ok, from what? Is there anything I need to do about this? Should I tell someone about this? If so, who, when? Am I in the right? Can I take steps to stop this from happening again? Letting my body know that the problem is being addressed helps me calm down.
posted by bleep at 4:38 PM on July 2, 2019 [38 favorites]

Also if you're angry at yourself, if you feel like you made a mistake and screwed something up, be gentle with yourself. Mistakes are so easy to make. First forgive yourself and accept that what's done is done. Then think through how you can do things differently next time. And try to keep those lessons in mind going forward.
posted by bleep at 4:42 PM on July 2, 2019 [11 favorites]

I start manually controlling my breathing before I have the physiological anger response. The adrenalin surge makes all human organ systems need more oxygen and glucose, heart muscle, the brain the lungs this is why humans yell. Anger is usually an autonomous response to a stimulus of some sort. It is very useful to short circuit anger as a habitual response, and fear too. Habitually angry people become victims of the illusion that aggression is going to keep annoyances away, it only exacerbates annoyances, and leads to ill health. Taking the time to take over your operating system is well worth it. If it is adrenalin you want then get regular exercise, but let it make you happy. Train yourself to let the manual intake of breath make you happy and relaxed. It is the ultimate power trip.
posted by Oyéah at 4:50 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

I go someplace people can't hear me (usually my car) and swear like a sailor. Loudly. I also have sat in my car and hollered at the person who made me angry, who is importantly NOT in the car with me.

The hollering goes a long way toward stripping the anger away and leaving me with objective words like, "Please listen to me next time" that I can use if/when I address the issue.
posted by kimberussell at 4:55 PM on July 2, 2019 [2 favorites]

I'll punch the air or wave my arms around like a muppet (in private), which helps dissipate the energy but also makes me feel ridiculous, and that helps me get into a mood where I can actually question think about what's really going on and if there's any way for me to address it.
posted by dinty_moore at 4:59 PM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

For me I'll often as "What are you afraid of?" because a lot of my self-anger is more fear-of-something, though not always. Other things

- distraction - via exercise or a complicated task or interacting with a friend
- expression - journaling, complaining, expletives. I was a child who sort of "wasn't allowed" to be angry at my drunk/narcissist parents, or even express anger generally, so now just being like "GODDAMNIT THAT HURT" when I stub my toe feels oddly freeing
- kindness/mindfulness - just because people were often angry at me doesn't mean I deserved ANY of their anger, terrible family can stop with me. I love my imperfect friends, why don't I love me when I am being an imperfect friend to myself... and then try to let it go or "radically accept" my feelings.
posted by jessamyn at 5:17 PM on July 2, 2019 [6 favorites]

When I'm angry and I can find no immediately productive way to employ or focus that anger, I first note and acknowledge to myself that I'm currently angry and would rather not be.

Next, I listen to myself to find out what story I'm currently telling myself, then I look for a different story or a different angle on the same story that I know isn't going to re-trigger my anger. Flipping the story around so that the "victim" character is somebody other than me is often a useful move for the latter.

Finally, I focus on my breathing and the bodily feelings raised by the anger while repeatedly telling myself my new story, until the anger dissipates to the point where it's no longer a distraction.

Physical exercise makes the last stage go faster.
posted by flabdablet at 5:24 PM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

Physical activity is my go-to. A brisk walk goes a long way to getting rid of that fight-or-flight adrenaline.
posted by Aleyn at 5:33 PM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

I eat chips with incredibly hot salsa.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 5:45 PM on July 2, 2019 [4 favorites]

i solve this problem with kickboxing and weightlifting (especially love that last 25% of the deadlift where the bar gets to your knees and then you just let it slam down triumphantly). more recently, i'm getting into weirder fitness stuff like swinging a steel mace onto a giant tire, which i did last week and got worn out REALLY fast. i had no energy left to be mad after swinging that thing enough.

my partner solves this problem by playing metal/hardcore on the drums or by driving around listening to that kind of music
posted by zdravo at 6:06 PM on July 2, 2019

I read the book Non-violent Communication which reframed for me what my anger is. Now when I’m furious I try to stop myself and think, “what do I need that I’m not getting, that’s driving this anger.” And usually my anger is really sadness or a feeling of unfairness that I can think through and do something more concrete to change.
posted by sallybrown at 8:15 PM on July 2, 2019 [9 favorites]

There's a book called "When Anger Scares You." I haven't read it yet but when I get around to it I expect/hope it will be helpful.

I sometimes talk to someone who's unrelated to whatever's making me angry. I try not to vent at them because that can be a lot of work for the recipient, but just talk through it. "My boss did X today. I felt like Y, because Z. I guess the best course of action for me is probably A."

Expressing anger in intense ways tends to make me feel worse, YMMV.
posted by bunderful at 8:41 PM on July 2, 2019 [1 favorite]

I find journalling really good for this: I like to write reams and reams of angry writing and shed a few angry tears. It really helps and there is a satisfaction in finding the right words to express my feelings. If I don't have time to sit down at my desk with my journal, I just use the Notes app in my phone (and find a quiet corner to type it all out- bathrooms are good for this if I am not at home)
posted by unicorn chaser at 4:32 AM on July 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

It took me years to realize that I don't have an anger problem. I have an anxiety problem. I had followed the poor example of adults in my life who react to anxiety by just hulking the fuck out and either making it everyone else's problem or having a pretty destructive round of self-condemnation.

I had treated my anger like bad weather: completely beyond my control and to be endured as best as I (and the people around me) could manage. Understanding that most of my anger was really expressing anxiety was liberating. "How can I be less anxious about this?" or "How can I minimize my exposure to this thing that makes me anxious?" or even "Can I just admit that this thing makes me anxious so that other people can help me?" are much more manageable challenges than "Why won't [people/the world] stop pissing me off?"

It's treating the cause not the symptom, and it has helped me enormously.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 7:14 AM on July 3, 2019 [8 favorites]

N-thing all of the above. In sum:

1) Exercise.
2) Anger may not be actually anger (you might be dealing with other emotions by getting angry; for me therapy with a good therapist in roughly a CBT model was really helpful here, but you can do this through introspection or a CBT workbook too)
3) Recognize triggers (for me, the big one is hunger) and avoid them (I keep food bars around always).

When I was younger, my anger controlled me. Now I control it, and it is thus much more powerful when it is the right tool (very rarely).
posted by nat at 8:43 AM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

Expressing anger isn't healthy for me personally so I don't. I reflect on why it is that I'm angry and work through it until I am no longer angry. This is because I have realized that being angry, or expressing anger, has never improved my life in any way whatsoever and it's an emotion I don't like having.

It's been kinda like strengthening a muscle in that now anger is an emotion I rarely experience.
posted by ToddBurson at 8:46 AM on July 3, 2019 [3 favorites]

I was recently listening to the Dear Prudence podcast and a letterwriter had a really gruesome personal situation (dead fiance who'd been cheating on her and no one knew and she didn't want everyone to remember him as a dirtbag). The guest host recommended that if you go in the shower and throw ice at the wall it feels almost like you're smashing dishes but without the messy cleanup.
I haven't had a good temper tantrum since getting that advice but you can bet I've filed it away for future reference!
posted by dotparker at 1:54 PM on July 3, 2019 [1 favorite]