How can I learn to be less set in my ways?

June 15, 2019 4:42 PM

How can I learn to be less set in my ways?

People don't usually think of me as introverted because I am really social, but I can only really fully recharge through alone time. I'm in my 30s and as I've gotten older, I've grown to prefer my own society more and more.

I have houseguests periodically (family) and right now have a relative staying with me for 3 weeks because of unforeseen circumstances. I'm really fond of my family but having to share my space with someone throws me off every single time. It doesn't help that my apartment is really small. It's difficult for me not to have my space to myself; my usual methods of recharging aren't available to me if someone else there. I've grown used to having my flat a certain way, of relaxing in a certain way (i.e. with the TV off, by myself, in my PJs). Having people around interferes with those goals because of the layout of the apartment etc.

This has made me consider if there is work I have to do in learning to roll better with changing circumstances. What if I ever enter into a serious relationship or have kids or something? How am I ever going to cope if I can only really relax and feel recharged when I am by myself and I have things just so? How can I learn to be a bit more flexible and not get so worked up and grumpy every time my routine changes?

Answers like not letting my family visit won't be very helpful in my particular circumstances. I come from a non-Western family-orientated culture and in most other ways the family-oriented cultural norms of my background have been positive influences in my life.

posted by unicorn chaser to Human Relations (12 answers total)

You can get a good bit of mileage out of using the circumstances to practice compassion and gratitude. It will feel ridiculous at first, trying to convince yourself to be grateful for the company of your visitor even when they're hogging the bathroom or disrupting your post-work down-time (and that's not to say you can't ever set a boundary - boundaries are good things too!) but it gets easier every time you work that muscle. It really is "practice" in the full sense of the word; you will not be good at it instantly.

Sometimes I think of it as "banking" the energy required for someone else to put up with my tedious ass at a later time. Like maybe if I work to be less annoyed by this circumstance today, I will be less annoying to someone else in similar circumstances in the future.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:00 PM on June 15, 2019 [11 favorites]

I try to take a deep breath and ask myself whether what's going on is actually bad. The TV is on and there's another human present, but is the TV awful or does the person actually require interaction -- and if so, maybe not very much? Could I in fact change into pajamas and just kind of politely pretend they're not there for a bit? Or maybe even engage a little with the new situation and, like, read my book on the couch next to them while totally ignoring the television? Often the situation is much more malleable than it initially feels, and I can still carve out a quiet piece of it for myself even though it's not my ideal. (Having a kid has indeed required honing this ability quite a lot.)
posted by teremala at 5:11 PM on June 15, 2019 [3 favorites]

I AM SO THIS. Love being alone. Love having people visit. Also become a twitchy fidget when people visit for long, because I am out of my element. So I try to do a few things...

1. Making sure I am getting enough basic needs met like eating ok, sleeping ok, staying clean (I can sometimes overfocus on other people and never really take the time to be like "OK I have to go to bed now" if someone else is up and talking and not going to bed).
2. Space out my alone-times a little. So instead of having "read with a book" every morning which is my preference, I can have a "go out for coffee on my own with a book" once in a week or once during a visit
3. Learn to sit with the discomfort I have and not feel the need to immediately go in to self-soothing patterns like pajamas, getting in bed, media consumption, whatever
4. Manage my own anxiety generally. For me, though maybe not for you, the routine is a very calming practice but it's not strictly necessary as much as it just FEELS that way. So if I am happy and relaxed with my friends/family, I am usually happier about what is going on. If I am not happy with my friend/family, it's ok to go do something else, somehow reset the interaction. So checking in to ask "Hey how am *I* feeling? Do I need to do somethign different?" and not wait until it's too late and you are out of sorts.
5 Make other people aware of some of these things "Hey it's 4;30, I usually have coffee about now. Do you want to go get coffee?" and if someone says "No" you can still go do your thing anyhow because it's okay to continue to do your thing

So try to think a little on what the routine signifies for you. Control? A reduction in anxiety? A way to make sure you're getting your food/sleep/hygiene needs met? A way to get your energy back? Time for a self-debrief? And then think if there are other ways to sort of speed-get those things for the time your family is there. And just being aware that family visits are a choice, that you like and choose these visits, can be part of accepting that even if they can be stressful they are also, on balance, worth it.
posted by jessamyn at 5:22 PM on June 15, 2019 [15 favorites]

I'm the same, and mindfulness, concentrating on gratefulness, etc, are great ideas that, unfortunately, just don't work for me at all. I have to instead adopt the well worn tactics of sneaking in alone time in socially acceptable ways, like running errands for people, retiring to bed early but not *suspiciously* early, and coming back from home a bit later having gone for a quiet walk.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 5:52 PM on June 15, 2019 [2 favorites]

I feel exactly the same as you and worry about the same thing. I’ve started trying to be more aware of my instinctive reaction to limit time with others and hold back my reflexive “no” reaction so I can think it over* and decide how I truly feel. For example, I had to swing by a friend’s this week and she asked if I wanted to stay for dinner—my first reaction was that I really wanted to go home, make the dinner I had planned, and read my book, plus I didn’t want to put her out, I didn’t like what she was making for dinner, etc. Instead I took a couple beats and decided it would be nice to stay, so I did it and we had a great time.

During longer events, I try to be mindful of my own wishes—on big group vacations, I usually wake up early to go explore and find coffee for a little alone time.

*at first I tried saying “yes” more often and that just led to a string of later flaking out that is NOT at all the way I want to act.
posted by sallybrown at 6:21 PM on June 15, 2019 [5 favorites]

I'm a big old introvert and need tons of alone time to recharge. But I've only ever lived alone for a single year and that was in a college dorm single, so it didn't totally count. How do I do it? Well for a few years there I didn't particularly. But for more than ten years I've been cohabitating with my best friend. Have you ever had the experience of realizing that someone in your life no longer counts as a person? Not in the devaluing way, but in the way that them being beside you no longer really drains you. It's really special!

My best friend and I do need plenty of space and time apart, but we can do it in separate rooms rather than separate living situations. And there's plenty of time when we spend time together doing separate stuff, like one of us will read while the other plays with the cats, or I'll be working on a craft project and he'll be playing a videogame that I use as background sound. Eating together doesn't stress me out because I don't need to be "on" for him in any way, even out at a restaurant. I've dated a few people I've felt like this with, so I know it's not exclusive to my best friend, but it's unusual and takes time to happen.

So hopefully as you form intimate relationships with people you'll find someone special you can live beside without them draining you. In fact, I think this is a perfectly good way to gauge if it's time to take further steps with someone or not. Basically, don't fret so much about being able to cope because being able to cope will be a sign that you'll be able to handle more.

I do think your goal as stated in this question is a good one, though. Becoming comfortable with a little chaos is a good idea and worth the effort. Try to figure out what aspects of your routine you really respond to. You mention the TV being off. Would it be possible for you to ask your guest to use headphones? Could you handle the tv being on if it didn't have sound? PJs at home is totally reasonable regardless of company - maybe you're not comfortable in your PJs as they are now but you could buy some very comfy but more modest ones to wear when guests are around? A robe? Or maybe you really need to be physically alone, but it doesn't have to be in your apartment - is there a park nearby you could go to and be quiet in, by yourself? Or a little-used room in a library? Maybe a combination of different things will work for you. But the way to become more flexible is to try different things and find other ways through experience, since all of us are different.
posted by Mizu at 7:18 PM on June 15, 2019 [6 favorites]

I'm biased seeing as I just came from a performance but, take an Improv class. Part of the training is to let go of your preconceived notions of how things are supposed to go and just be in the moment and gracefully what your scene partners are offering.

It is by no means a magic elixir, but is it good practice in accepting the novel and the new.
posted by mmascolino at 8:51 PM on June 15, 2019

I think you might not have anything that needs fixing. Temporary disruptions to your rituals upset everyone--especially little kids! You'll get used to a new routine when you make a life change, just like you get used to a new apartment when you move. I live with my family and am an extrovert and still find houseguests disruptive, even the ones who keep out of my way.

I think you don't sound more bothered by this kind of thing than anyone else, and I don't think it's going to hold you back from anything. When you have a partner and/or kid, you will (probably) be able to relax with them around. If not, you'll build a life that fits what you need; you understand your needs, and that's what's important.
posted by gideonfrog at 9:16 PM on June 15, 2019 [4 favorites]

I read somewhere that lack of flexibility indicates a lack of intelligence in younger people but paradoxically is associated with intelligence in older people. It makes sense intuitively - youngsters aren't well served by cutting themselves off from new info, but people who have seen it all aren't well served by pursuing a strategy that's different from the optimal one they've already chosen. So whenever I am grumpy and irritable I tell myself "I am obviously a genius" and try to roll with it.
posted by selfmedicating at 7:25 AM on June 16, 2019 [4 favorites]

As a student I took a single, 10-week yoga class. The most unexpected thing that I learned was how to deal with the experience of holding myself at the edge of discomfort, without pulling away. This was eye-opening because my normal reaction to even the possibility of discomfort on the horizon was to get as far away from it as possible as soon as possible. It helped me separate the mental (anticipation of discomfort) from actual physical discomfort (which I wasn't actually experiencing). I haven't done yoga since, but the lesson has remained.
posted by heatherlogan at 10:45 AM on June 16, 2019 [2 favorites]

I was like this - it’s control issues. Oddly enough getting a cat solved it for me.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 4:53 PM on June 16, 2019

It sounds like you don't watch much tv, you could get rid of it. Put something else in the space that doesn't imply it's missing a television in case a guest takes it as a hosting gift suggestion.

You might find that getting rid of the annoyance of a tv you aren't watching makes everything else much easier.
posted by yohko at 2:01 AM on July 3, 2019