Marriage, meet baby
May 28, 2019 2:14 PM Subscribe
I often hear that the first year of parenting is the hardest on a marriage. Has this been true in your experience, and if so, how, and what did you do to work through? I imagine it has something to do with becoming responsible for an entirely dependent creature on very little sleep, but are there more specific things you found challenging, and what did you do to overcome them?
For example, I find (again, perhaps due to loss of sleep), I'm much less patient with my partner. (FWIW, my partner is amazing and I haven't cooked a single meal or done a dish in over a year, I get on-demand shoulder massages (!), etc.) But there's still the mental load of keeping track of diapers, outgrown clothes, etc. that seems to automatically defer to me. I also find that some things just get under my skin--like not using a coaster or taking shoes off just past the place we usually take our shoes off--these are relatively petty and never bothered me before, but I now have a visceral frustration when it happens.
One thing that's helped me (and I perhaps read on MeFi somewhere?) was reframing the idea that what needs doing is no longer 50/50, but instead the shares are now 33/33/33, and our new roommate is unable to help with chores and just makes more of them. Are there other insights you've had that helped you through parenting and marriage, either in the first year or beyond?
For example, I find (again, perhaps due to loss of sleep), I'm much less patient with my partner. (FWIW, my partner is amazing and I haven't cooked a single meal or done a dish in over a year, I get on-demand shoulder massages (!), etc.) But there's still the mental load of keeping track of diapers, outgrown clothes, etc. that seems to automatically defer to me. I also find that some things just get under my skin--like not using a coaster or taking shoes off just past the place we usually take our shoes off--these are relatively petty and never bothered me before, but I now have a visceral frustration when it happens.
One thing that's helped me (and I perhaps read on MeFi somewhere?) was reframing the idea that what needs doing is no longer 50/50, but instead the shares are now 33/33/33, and our new roommate is unable to help with chores and just makes more of them. Are there other insights you've had that helped you through parenting and marriage, either in the first year or beyond?
My wife and I have a wonderful 5.5 month old baby that goes to sleep every evening at like 6:30 PM. When she's asleep, we don't do chores, we don't work, we make time to sit together and watch TV on the couch. We snuggle. We hold hands. It's really helpful to have that time together to relax and reclaim our previous lives.
Sometimes my wife annoys me and I'm sure I annoy her. However, I know that the small annoyances she brings into my life are vastly outweighed by the amazing job she does as a mother and co-habitator; I try really hard to keep up with her, and I'd like to think that she feels the same way about me, but of course I can't be sure.
We each have our own lanes of tasks that we (generally) take on, and while most of the baby stuff (sorting clothes, keeping track of diapers), I pull my load with cleaning and other chores.
So, I'd say balance is key; recognizing that on balance, the things that annoy you are small potatoes compared to the benefits that your partner brings to the table, making sure there is a balance in household tasks, and finding balance between doing things around the house and just relaxing together. It takes work!
posted by Fister Roboto at 2:39 PM on May 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Sometimes my wife annoys me and I'm sure I annoy her. However, I know that the small annoyances she brings into my life are vastly outweighed by the amazing job she does as a mother and co-habitator; I try really hard to keep up with her, and I'd like to think that she feels the same way about me, but of course I can't be sure.
We each have our own lanes of tasks that we (generally) take on, and while most of the baby stuff (sorting clothes, keeping track of diapers), I pull my load with cleaning and other chores.
So, I'd say balance is key; recognizing that on balance, the things that annoy you are small potatoes compared to the benefits that your partner brings to the table, making sure there is a balance in household tasks, and finding balance between doing things around the house and just relaxing together. It takes work!
posted by Fister Roboto at 2:39 PM on May 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
To be honest, the first year post-partum was harder on our marriage than cancer.
And yeah, I had the same visceral frustration where I ended up yelling at my partner for things like not taking his shoes off when doing stuff in the kitchen or the pantry being disorganized -- things that he did before the kid, but were now significantly more irritating. And for context, I could've counted maybe on one hand the number of times I'd even felt real anger at him in the eight years we'd been together before the kid, but I was getting that angry maybe on a daily, every-other-day basis after I gave birth.
And he was the person staying at home with the kid. And doing all the meals. And doing all the laundry, which increased by a factor of three with one (1) tiny kid.
Going to therapy helped, especially with some of the background family radiation that was upping my stress level, but the real thing that helped was time and experience and recognizing that I was in a post-partum hormone rage cloud for like, 18 months afterwards and not always making good choices, so I just needed to step back and reflect before acting on my RAR GRAR INCREDIBLE HULK.
posted by joyceanmachine at 2:42 PM on May 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
And yeah, I had the same visceral frustration where I ended up yelling at my partner for things like not taking his shoes off when doing stuff in the kitchen or the pantry being disorganized -- things that he did before the kid, but were now significantly more irritating. And for context, I could've counted maybe on one hand the number of times I'd even felt real anger at him in the eight years we'd been together before the kid, but I was getting that angry maybe on a daily, every-other-day basis after I gave birth.
And he was the person staying at home with the kid. And doing all the meals. And doing all the laundry, which increased by a factor of three with one (1) tiny kid.
Going to therapy helped, especially with some of the background family radiation that was upping my stress level, but the real thing that helped was time and experience and recognizing that I was in a post-partum hormone rage cloud for like, 18 months afterwards and not always making good choices, so I just needed to step back and reflect before acting on my RAR GRAR INCREDIBLE HULK.
posted by joyceanmachine at 2:42 PM on May 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
I can't strongly enough recommend picking up a copy of The Conscious Parent (it's forward is by the Dalai Lama, if my personal endorsement isn't enough). Her basic premise over and over again in the book is a set of parents coming to her over issues with their kid and it turns out the issues are all about the parents themselves, and how they are playing out the poor parenting they got onto their kid, perpetuating the cycle.
That's what we find ourselves stumbling towards again and again when we don't consciously slow down and re-parent ourselves so that we can be better partners to each other and thereby better parents to our kid. But damn if breaking those cycles isn't Hard Fucking Work.
That, and couples counseling, have been incredibly important for us in his first two years. We've picked up positive tools and methods for managing ourselves and our emotions and our relationship, that were it not for having at our disposal, I'm not sure we'd still be together. We have a long way to go and who knows where it will take us, but we know it's OK to not be OK and it's definitely OK to talk to someone and get help with it.
We work hard to remind each other that we want to be a team...some days we have to muster the energy for it out of pure spite for how we were parented (or more accurate: weren't parented). But we want our house to be free from the anxiety and anger that got put on us and so we have to work hard at this and do a lot of forgiving and letting the bad go. I'm very very thankful we got the opportunity to walk this hard path. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:42 PM on May 28, 2019 [13 favorites]
That's what we find ourselves stumbling towards again and again when we don't consciously slow down and re-parent ourselves so that we can be better partners to each other and thereby better parents to our kid. But damn if breaking those cycles isn't Hard Fucking Work.
That, and couples counseling, have been incredibly important for us in his first two years. We've picked up positive tools and methods for managing ourselves and our emotions and our relationship, that were it not for having at our disposal, I'm not sure we'd still be together. We have a long way to go and who knows where it will take us, but we know it's OK to not be OK and it's definitely OK to talk to someone and get help with it.
We work hard to remind each other that we want to be a team...some days we have to muster the energy for it out of pure spite for how we were parented (or more accurate: weren't parented). But we want our house to be free from the anxiety and anger that got put on us and so we have to work hard at this and do a lot of forgiving and letting the bad go. I'm very very thankful we got the opportunity to walk this hard path. Wouldn't trade it for the world.
posted by allkindsoftime at 2:42 PM on May 28, 2019 [13 favorites]
The bulk of our frustration comes from the fact that there are more things that need doing than two people with full-time jobs can reasonably accomplish. So we both feel like the other isn't pulling their weight, with the end result of a lot of feelings of "FUCK! Can't you even ______ ?!?" where ____ is some petty thing like putting your glass in the dishwasher.
Relatedly and also, a LOT of your coping skills get used up by choosing not to throw your infant/toddler/small child out the window despite the nonstop irrational demands. I definitely noticed when each of our children was born, it took some time for my pool of patience to expand to accommodate the new demands. It was disorienting at first when it was constantly running short. It has grown. And in fact, just yesterday I had a horrorshow of a flight back home, but I was compleeeeeetely chill about it because hey! at least the kids weren't with me! and it turns out that not constantly tracking irrational moving objects in an airport frees up a ton of mental space to ...not freak out.
There was a time when all my attention was taken up by my children (both of whom, at the time, were differently very high needs) and I just did not have a single fuck left to give for my partner. I took care of them. He had to take care of himself. It wasn't great for anyone. The thing, even now, that reminds us that we don't hate each other is time together, outside the house, without our kids. It's difficult to manage, and we don't manage often enough even now that the kids are elementary aged, but it makes such a difference when we do.
It isn't easy, you asked this Ask for a reason, but I do think a little awareness can go a long way. Remember that the extreme difficulty is temporary - it never gets *easy* but it gets *easier* and so it behooves both of you to grit your teeth a little, acknowledge the suckage, and have faith that things will improve, and one day you'll go back to having mental space to not be so annoyed about the coasters.
posted by telepanda at 2:48 PM on May 28, 2019 [24 favorites]
Relatedly and also, a LOT of your coping skills get used up by choosing not to throw your infant/toddler/small child out the window despite the nonstop irrational demands. I definitely noticed when each of our children was born, it took some time for my pool of patience to expand to accommodate the new demands. It was disorienting at first when it was constantly running short. It has grown. And in fact, just yesterday I had a horrorshow of a flight back home, but I was compleeeeeetely chill about it because hey! at least the kids weren't with me! and it turns out that not constantly tracking irrational moving objects in an airport frees up a ton of mental space to ...not freak out.
There was a time when all my attention was taken up by my children (both of whom, at the time, were differently very high needs) and I just did not have a single fuck left to give for my partner. I took care of them. He had to take care of himself. It wasn't great for anyone. The thing, even now, that reminds us that we don't hate each other is time together, outside the house, without our kids. It's difficult to manage, and we don't manage often enough even now that the kids are elementary aged, but it makes such a difference when we do.
It isn't easy, you asked this Ask for a reason, but I do think a little awareness can go a long way. Remember that the extreme difficulty is temporary - it never gets *easy* but it gets *easier* and so it behooves both of you to grit your teeth a little, acknowledge the suckage, and have faith that things will improve, and one day you'll go back to having mental space to not be so annoyed about the coasters.
posted by telepanda at 2:48 PM on May 28, 2019 [24 favorites]
Powdered formula and lowered standards helped our marriage immensely. The research does indeed show a link between breastfeeding and all kinds of positive effects, but (a) it's not a huge difference, despite the hype and (b) the occasional bottle doesn't hurt. Thus, getting the heck out of the house without my spouse did not involve all kinds of preparation on my part, and did not indulge (both our) urges toward taking utter responsibility for everything and telling the other person they were Doin it Rong.
And while we were both obsessed with our little Tootsie Pop, we did not feel the need to entertain her at all times, or buy her much stuff.
I'd say the period between when she was 10 and when she was 15 was harder on our marriage than infancy, but that had more to do with career issues and events in our extended families than the child.
Now that she is grown, we have had to find something else to talk about, so now we talk about the cats. And about the weather. And about her.
posted by Peach at 2:55 PM on May 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
And while we were both obsessed with our little Tootsie Pop, we did not feel the need to entertain her at all times, or buy her much stuff.
I'd say the period between when she was 10 and when she was 15 was harder on our marriage than infancy, but that had more to do with career issues and events in our extended families than the child.
Now that she is grown, we have had to find something else to talk about, so now we talk about the cats. And about the weather. And about her.
posted by Peach at 2:55 PM on May 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
One thing that helped me was checking myself to be sure I was attributing mistakes and annoying things to my partner’s circumstance (“he must be so tired right now”) instead of character attributes (“he’s a slob”). Also, honestly my partner traveling 60% of the time is eye opening. It turns out I make way more of the mess than I thought I did.
posted by CMcG at 3:12 PM on May 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by CMcG at 3:12 PM on May 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
Before kids arrived I felt like our life was mostly in harmony and there weren’t too many conflicting factors. We both worked but really we just had to deal with me, him, and our marriage as the third entity, everything was pretty simple and fluid.
Once baby arrived what suddenly seemed like all the formerly mostly congruent parts of ourselves reveal themselves to be pretty demanding and conflicting needs to be recognized and juggled and balanced. So there were suddenly like a dozen entities jostling in this same little bed:
- Baby’s immediate needs
-Baby’s needs in short to mid term future - different and needed planning and research
- My husband’s needs as a father
- My needs as a mother
- My husband’s needs as a person
- My needs as a person
- My husband’s needs as a career haver
- My needs as a career haver
- Our household as a combined entity
- Our poor disgusting house
- Oh yeah our marriage
So it sort of went from 50-50 to total splinters and it took us a good while before we even both recognized these different needs and neither of us knew how to handle that well.
posted by sestaaak at 3:26 PM on May 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
Once baby arrived what suddenly seemed like all the formerly mostly congruent parts of ourselves reveal themselves to be pretty demanding and conflicting needs to be recognized and juggled and balanced. So there were suddenly like a dozen entities jostling in this same little bed:
- Baby’s immediate needs
-Baby’s needs in short to mid term future - different and needed planning and research
- My husband’s needs as a father
- My needs as a mother
- My husband’s needs as a person
- My needs as a person
- My husband’s needs as a career haver
- My needs as a career haver
- Our household as a combined entity
- Our poor disgusting house
- Oh yeah our marriage
So it sort of went from 50-50 to total splinters and it took us a good while before we even both recognized these different needs and neither of us knew how to handle that well.
posted by sestaaak at 3:26 PM on May 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
I call this issue the Radar Bandwidth.
The thing is, even if everyone is healthy and you're getting enough sleep at night and the house is clean and the errands are taken care of and the laundry is done and the baby is happy and you've had a date night and-
HAHAHAHA -
Even if everything is perfectly a-ok, there is still a LOT going on. All of that above is emotional labor, and I think we've gotten better as a society talking about the fatigue of keeping track of how many clean diapers we have and when is the next doctor visit and how much has the baby eaten today and et al and et al. But I think there's another parenting item we don't take proper account for and that's the Radar Bandwidth.
Because for every second you're taking care of those things, your brain is also constantly scanning for the child's needs. Is the child ok? Is the child safe? Does the child need something? Ping ping ping goes the radar. That's exhausting! And it's never ending! Knowing you have to keep up CONSTANT AWARENESS and be CONSTANTLY AVAILABLE is extremely draining - and not only do babies need a lot of it, for a lot of parents that's also the first time they are turning the radar on.
So in our relationship, the 100% best thing we can do - even more than negotiating chores and emotional labor and checking in with each other - is helping each other's Radar Bandwidth. There is time you need to take that OFF and know that you are NOT in charge, you do NOT have to be pinging the environment, it is now in Someone Else's radar field.
For a long time we made sure each of us got breaks in the sense of oh, I'll take the kids to the park, hey you should go see your friend this weekend, I'm sick and need a nap. Those are good things to do. But they are also occasional, so you end up getting 2 radar-free hours and maybe you're like oh god I'm still tired but I just asked for so much what do I do?? Of course you're tired, you were still on radar duty for 22 hours.
Parents need occasional real time Out of the House or Alone in the House Breaks, but what we also need is to be radar-free.
So we created a system. These two hours today? I'm on Radar Duty. I'm the go-to parent for whatever you might need. These next two hours? Spouse is the parent on call.
That doesn't mean I vanish for two hours. I might be right there, playing a game with the kids for the entire time or reading them a book. Maybe I'm folding laundry in the living room and listening to knock-knock jokes. Maybe I'm reading my own book in my own room - my degree of availability can change based on what I need and the kids & spouse needs. And obviously if there's a genuine emergency I'm jumping in. But for that time? I'm not pinging for issues. Playing a game and kiddo needs a water? I can and will totally get it, but Spouse is there to leap into action. Kiddo falls down? Spouse is there to the rescue. Where are the kiddo's in the house? Spouse knows. Have they been fed and played with and watered? I might be involved, but it isn't my full responsibility to know, Spouse has it!
The spouse who isn't on call isn't totally ignoring the children or failing to do discipline or abnegating from family life. But they can put down the weight. And in a bit, we'll switch, and so we're both totally involved as parents, we're getting regular refreshes for energy to devote to them, we're getting times to just be a person.
It sounds really simple, trading who is on radar duty, but it is life changing in general satisfaction and mental health. I think especially with those "little stresses", like your partner not using a coaster. If your brain has been sending and receiving environmental awareness signals 24 hours a day and handling a thousand new responsibilities, of course it has zero patience left over for lack-of-coasters. Brain is full!! Brain cannot handle more demands!! Dealing with your lack-of-coasters is too much!! But if you take all that radar bandwidth and cut in in half oh goodness do you have so much brain back for joy and deep thoughts and human connection and tolerance for people who don't use coasters.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 3:34 PM on May 28, 2019 [34 favorites]
The thing is, even if everyone is healthy and you're getting enough sleep at night and the house is clean and the errands are taken care of and the laundry is done and the baby is happy and you've had a date night and-
HAHAHAHA -
Even if everything is perfectly a-ok, there is still a LOT going on. All of that above is emotional labor, and I think we've gotten better as a society talking about the fatigue of keeping track of how many clean diapers we have and when is the next doctor visit and how much has the baby eaten today and et al and et al. But I think there's another parenting item we don't take proper account for and that's the Radar Bandwidth.
Because for every second you're taking care of those things, your brain is also constantly scanning for the child's needs. Is the child ok? Is the child safe? Does the child need something? Ping ping ping goes the radar. That's exhausting! And it's never ending! Knowing you have to keep up CONSTANT AWARENESS and be CONSTANTLY AVAILABLE is extremely draining - and not only do babies need a lot of it, for a lot of parents that's also the first time they are turning the radar on.
So in our relationship, the 100% best thing we can do - even more than negotiating chores and emotional labor and checking in with each other - is helping each other's Radar Bandwidth. There is time you need to take that OFF and know that you are NOT in charge, you do NOT have to be pinging the environment, it is now in Someone Else's radar field.
For a long time we made sure each of us got breaks in the sense of oh, I'll take the kids to the park, hey you should go see your friend this weekend, I'm sick and need a nap. Those are good things to do. But they are also occasional, so you end up getting 2 radar-free hours and maybe you're like oh god I'm still tired but I just asked for so much what do I do?? Of course you're tired, you were still on radar duty for 22 hours.
Parents need occasional real time Out of the House or Alone in the House Breaks, but what we also need is to be radar-free.
So we created a system. These two hours today? I'm on Radar Duty. I'm the go-to parent for whatever you might need. These next two hours? Spouse is the parent on call.
That doesn't mean I vanish for two hours. I might be right there, playing a game with the kids for the entire time or reading them a book. Maybe I'm folding laundry in the living room and listening to knock-knock jokes. Maybe I'm reading my own book in my own room - my degree of availability can change based on what I need and the kids & spouse needs. And obviously if there's a genuine emergency I'm jumping in. But for that time? I'm not pinging for issues. Playing a game and kiddo needs a water? I can and will totally get it, but Spouse is there to leap into action. Kiddo falls down? Spouse is there to the rescue. Where are the kiddo's in the house? Spouse knows. Have they been fed and played with and watered? I might be involved, but it isn't my full responsibility to know, Spouse has it!
The spouse who isn't on call isn't totally ignoring the children or failing to do discipline or abnegating from family life. But they can put down the weight. And in a bit, we'll switch, and so we're both totally involved as parents, we're getting regular refreshes for energy to devote to them, we're getting times to just be a person.
It sounds really simple, trading who is on radar duty, but it is life changing in general satisfaction and mental health. I think especially with those "little stresses", like your partner not using a coaster. If your brain has been sending and receiving environmental awareness signals 24 hours a day and handling a thousand new responsibilities, of course it has zero patience left over for lack-of-coasters. Brain is full!! Brain cannot handle more demands!! Dealing with your lack-of-coasters is too much!! But if you take all that radar bandwidth and cut in in half oh goodness do you have so much brain back for joy and deep thoughts and human connection and tolerance for people who don't use coasters.
posted by hapaxes.legomenon at 3:34 PM on May 28, 2019 [34 favorites]
What has helped us through the first year was to have our own therapist. I considered myself a calm, super organized person and with our newborn, my brain just felt so overloaded. So I make it a priority to see my therapist during lunch, once a week. She helps me sort through the frustrations in my brain, and figure out what are core issues that are really bugging me (partner doesn’t help with managing baby’s life necessities) with the “bitch eating crackers” smaller issues (not using a coaster). Then, she encourages me to be explicit about the specific big things I need help with and to let go/do myself/remind him to do the smaller things. I’ve been getting better at handling this myself now and having more sleep certainly helps my brain function better, but still it helps to have someone there.
Also, it helped him to have someone. I hated being the “organizer” and could barely manage everything, but turns out he felt I was so on top of things and he was lost as a new parent. We manage better as a team now.
posted by inevitability at 4:13 PM on May 28, 2019
Also, it helped him to have someone. I hated being the “organizer” and could barely manage everything, but turns out he felt I was so on top of things and he was lost as a new parent. We manage better as a team now.
posted by inevitability at 4:13 PM on May 28, 2019
My priorities were kids, work, husband. I was exhausted and I would say this isn't the healthiest way of coping but I just decided I wasn't going to worry about our relationship or think of leaving until we were out of the baby years.
like telepanda I had nothing left for him. our kids are both in school, it is much easier and I am so happy we are our little family unit. I mean there were times when the kids were little that I hated my spouse and for the life of me now I can't remember why.
Advice is normally to work on your issues or have time together but I had no energy. So I consciously had myself ignore my relationship needs for a while and that worked for me.
posted by biggreenplant at 4:45 PM on May 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
like telepanda I had nothing left for him. our kids are both in school, it is much easier and I am so happy we are our little family unit. I mean there were times when the kids were little that I hated my spouse and for the life of me now I can't remember why.
Advice is normally to work on your issues or have time together but I had no energy. So I consciously had myself ignore my relationship needs for a while and that worked for me.
posted by biggreenplant at 4:45 PM on May 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you didn't read the thread when it went by a couple weeks ago, I'd highly recommend the thread on the Blue about division of labor in a working household with children. Specifically I was struck by sobell's comment:
All to say: there is a massive amount of gendered bullshit around child-raising that you likely never stumbled over before having kids, unless you had close friends with kids who opened up to you about it. That feeling of shouldering the brunt of the emotional labor is not just in your head, and even though it sounds like you have a pretty supportive partner, it's completely valid for you to feel irritated about the unequal ways in which having a small person in your house impacts you. There aren't enough hours in the day to keep the baby happy and healthy AND sleep enough AND keep the kitchen clean AND nurture your relationship with your SO, and that tends to leave everyone in a state of low-grade anxiety all the time. The sleep deprivation and the constant illness-and-sleep-regression rollercoaster are real, and they exacerbate everything and make you question your own perceptions and decision-making, but I'd argue that the biggest reason that the first year is so hard is that you're doing all of this while tacitly renegotiating the terms of a relationship you thought you had figured out years ago. Left unaddressed, that breaks marriages.
Like I said, couples counseling helped us sort through this. I'd recommend it highly, if only for the eye-opening effect it is likely to have on your partner when he hears a frank assessment of what the household division of responsibility looks like from your side.
posted by Mayor West at 5:02 PM on May 28, 2019 [8 favorites]
This was a thing that happened when I was on maternity leave and the shock of my I-thought-he-was-feminist husband just blithely defaulting to the idea that I was both the default parent and the default domestic manager and responsible for pulling in 50% of our household income with my fulltime career did real damage to our marriage.This is 100% a thing that I have seen happen to married couples who lived together blissfully for years before having kids. I know of one marriage it has torpedoed, and I'd venture that fewer than half of the women with children I know are satisfied with the division of labor in their now-baby-filled households. I'd like to think I'm more woke than the average husband, but I am not immune to this: it took some serious couples counseling to get back to a state of relative happiness in our house after kid #2, because it's really easy for men to do what they were raised seeing, and there is shockingly little cultural pushback to us not holding up our end of the child-rearing work.
All to say: there is a massive amount of gendered bullshit around child-raising that you likely never stumbled over before having kids, unless you had close friends with kids who opened up to you about it. That feeling of shouldering the brunt of the emotional labor is not just in your head, and even though it sounds like you have a pretty supportive partner, it's completely valid for you to feel irritated about the unequal ways in which having a small person in your house impacts you. There aren't enough hours in the day to keep the baby happy and healthy AND sleep enough AND keep the kitchen clean AND nurture your relationship with your SO, and that tends to leave everyone in a state of low-grade anxiety all the time. The sleep deprivation and the constant illness-and-sleep-regression rollercoaster are real, and they exacerbate everything and make you question your own perceptions and decision-making, but I'd argue that the biggest reason that the first year is so hard is that you're doing all of this while tacitly renegotiating the terms of a relationship you thought you had figured out years ago. Left unaddressed, that breaks marriages.
Like I said, couples counseling helped us sort through this. I'd recommend it highly, if only for the eye-opening effect it is likely to have on your partner when he hears a frank assessment of what the household division of responsibility looks like from your side.
posted by Mayor West at 5:02 PM on May 28, 2019 [8 favorites]
We find that date nights can be hard to come by for many reasons, but we still need time to connect, so we started going on coffee dates. We were already up at the crack of dawn with the baby, so it was a good time to go for a walk to a local coffee shop, have something with caffeine and check in. When our toddler was little, there’d be a good chance that he would fall asleep at some point and we could actually focus on each other for a bit. It’s a little harder now that we have a toddler who isn’t content to chill out in a stroller anymore. It’s not enough on its own, but it’s something we can do regularly.
You have to make more of a deliberate effort to spend time with one another when you have a baby, and that was a big shift for us because it was pretty easy before.
posted by Maeve at 5:03 PM on May 28, 2019
You have to make more of a deliberate effort to spend time with one another when you have a baby, and that was a big shift for us because it was pretty easy before.
posted by Maeve at 5:03 PM on May 28, 2019
We've got an almost 6 month old, and things have been surprisingly...fine? Some things that have likely helped:
-Sleep. Ours is a trooper in this respect, and I imagine things get a lot dicier if kid is not sleeping well. But we started with a bedtime routine with a 7pm bedtime around the 12 week mark or so, and now, in general, kiddo is in bed at 7 now, and we have our evenings back, which was huge. We also had/have set schedules overnight--trading off wake-ups when she was little; now we alternate an early/late shift. I'm breastfeeding, and my supply is such that I haven't been wanting to skip any overnight feedings, so even when I'm "off" duty, I'm awake, but rolling over-feed baby-go back to sleep while husband helps get her resettled and handles any diapers works out fine for me. (But formula and/or bottles of breastmilk is an option here!)
-Buying ourselves time, pretty literally, with my husband dropping down to 32 hours a week at his job. I'm also easing back into work (academia; had last semester off), and am fortunate that I don't need to be up to full steam until the fall (I am working now, but am much more flexible about hours, etc). We're very privileged to be able to do that, but if you can swing it, do it.
-"Radar Time", as discussed above, on weekends. We both have 2 or 3 hours where we are "off duty", and it was sanity saving when we started that around maybe week 6 or so. We also sort of informally do this on the evenings during the week, and explicitly tag in/out of baby duty (usually trading off dinner prep, etc.)
-Also on weekends, when we have time, similarly to Maeve, a stroll downtown with baby for brunch. There are a lot of coffee shops/diners around here, so we've been doing some exploring.
-Lots and lots of discussion of emotional and real labor before baby was born. I think the housework is still unequal, with me doing more, but Husband has made a very real effort to make sure he's doing 50%, and also keeping track of things like doctors appointments, day care paperwork, etc.
posted by damayanti at 5:23 PM on May 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
-Sleep. Ours is a trooper in this respect, and I imagine things get a lot dicier if kid is not sleeping well. But we started with a bedtime routine with a 7pm bedtime around the 12 week mark or so, and now, in general, kiddo is in bed at 7 now, and we have our evenings back, which was huge. We also had/have set schedules overnight--trading off wake-ups when she was little; now we alternate an early/late shift. I'm breastfeeding, and my supply is such that I haven't been wanting to skip any overnight feedings, so even when I'm "off" duty, I'm awake, but rolling over-feed baby-go back to sleep while husband helps get her resettled and handles any diapers works out fine for me. (But formula and/or bottles of breastmilk is an option here!)
-Buying ourselves time, pretty literally, with my husband dropping down to 32 hours a week at his job. I'm also easing back into work (academia; had last semester off), and am fortunate that I don't need to be up to full steam until the fall (I am working now, but am much more flexible about hours, etc). We're very privileged to be able to do that, but if you can swing it, do it.
-"Radar Time", as discussed above, on weekends. We both have 2 or 3 hours where we are "off duty", and it was sanity saving when we started that around maybe week 6 or so. We also sort of informally do this on the evenings during the week, and explicitly tag in/out of baby duty (usually trading off dinner prep, etc.)
-Also on weekends, when we have time, similarly to Maeve, a stroll downtown with baby for brunch. There are a lot of coffee shops/diners around here, so we've been doing some exploring.
-Lots and lots of discussion of emotional and real labor before baby was born. I think the housework is still unequal, with me doing more, but Husband has made a very real effort to make sure he's doing 50%, and also keeping track of things like doctors appointments, day care paperwork, etc.
posted by damayanti at 5:23 PM on May 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
We also constantly got the date-night advice, which was stupid because leaving the house was an enormous shitshow. What worked for us was finding one weekly TV show we really liked that was on after the kids were in bed -- with our first kid it was Parenthood, with our third it's been Game of Thrones -- and just watching that show together. That's it. Just enjoying an hour as a couple doing a grown-up thing. (With infants, doing that while holding or nursing the baby, but still the focus is OUR thing, not the kids.)
For the last season of GoT we added a cheese plate & bottle of wine and that is definitely the way to do it! (We'd just pick up a supermarket cheese plate.)
When you sort through the clothes that don't fit, keep a diaper box near the dresser/laundry area/closet/whatever, and throw them all in there. When it's full, label it "3 months," tape it closed, and either drop it at Goodwill (neatly labeled!), or stack it in storage for the next baby, or hand it off to whatever friend or relative's baby is just behind yours size-wise. It saves a LOT of the "sorting the entire dresser at once" if you can just drop things in a box as you fold laundry or pull out a shirt and realize it's too small. (And if you're not sure if there's going to be another baby, you've got all these neatly labeled and stacked boxes sitting in storage that you can grab when the time comes, or when you decide you're done can just get shipped off to donate with no further sorting or work on your part.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:32 PM on May 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
For the last season of GoT we added a cheese plate & bottle of wine and that is definitely the way to do it! (We'd just pick up a supermarket cheese plate.)
When you sort through the clothes that don't fit, keep a diaper box near the dresser/laundry area/closet/whatever, and throw them all in there. When it's full, label it "3 months," tape it closed, and either drop it at Goodwill (neatly labeled!), or stack it in storage for the next baby, or hand it off to whatever friend or relative's baby is just behind yours size-wise. It saves a LOT of the "sorting the entire dresser at once" if you can just drop things in a box as you fold laundry or pull out a shirt and realize it's too small. (And if you're not sure if there's going to be another baby, you've got all these neatly labeled and stacked boxes sitting in storage that you can grab when the time comes, or when you decide you're done can just get shipped off to donate with no further sorting or work on your part.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 8:32 PM on May 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
Honestly I didn’t find it as hard on our marriage as I’d been led to expect. But I think this was due to our pre-baby circumstances: we’d already gone through a rough time with a lot of arguments that gave us decent practice at communicating and not-hating-each-other skills, and then I had a hellish pregnancy, so the baby wasn’t so much a disruption to our previous lives as a welcome relief from that.
What was useful to get through the harder bits:
- Not doing competitive tiredness. You’re both exhausted, don’t get into a fight about who has more right to the word.
- Taking sleep disruption seriously and not making it one person’s burden to carry alone. I probably did 75% of the night wakeups (maternity leave + breastfeeding), but on the bad nights we took shifts or tagged each other in. I know several couples who fell into a pattern where Dad got an uninterrupted 8+ hours every night, weekends included, while the baby’s mother was on her knees with exhaustion. Nope.
- similar: making sure both parents have a realistic idea of just how much WORK it is to care for a small baby, especially if one of you’s at home when the other is out at work.
- making time for each other: this is a tough one. On the one hand, yes it’s important you don’t forget each other, and so on. But on the other hand, when you’re both exhausted, it can feel like another goddamn chore to do. And there’s a level of cultural guilt-tripping around it: not just “make sure you do things together you enjoy”, but “you HAVE to get out for date nights during which you must be fun and witty and sparkly and pretend like you’re still your pre-baby selves, otherwise your marriage will collapse and your husband will run off with the neighbour.” For me, I already felt like the baby needed me so intensely it was draining all the energy I had, and if I’d also felt like my husband was in the background for those early months tapping his foot and looking impatient it would have bred massive resentment.
So we did spend time together, but we didn’t do date nights because the practicalities didn’t really work out for us. We went to a lot of places with the baby and we stayed in and got pizza and watched TV. And we reminded each other it would not be this exhausting forever and we’d have more time for just us to do couple stuff in the future, and in the meantime we still loved each other and were in this for the long haul.
posted by Catseye at 3:27 AM on May 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
What was useful to get through the harder bits:
- Not doing competitive tiredness. You’re both exhausted, don’t get into a fight about who has more right to the word.
- Taking sleep disruption seriously and not making it one person’s burden to carry alone. I probably did 75% of the night wakeups (maternity leave + breastfeeding), but on the bad nights we took shifts or tagged each other in. I know several couples who fell into a pattern where Dad got an uninterrupted 8+ hours every night, weekends included, while the baby’s mother was on her knees with exhaustion. Nope.
- similar: making sure both parents have a realistic idea of just how much WORK it is to care for a small baby, especially if one of you’s at home when the other is out at work.
- making time for each other: this is a tough one. On the one hand, yes it’s important you don’t forget each other, and so on. But on the other hand, when you’re both exhausted, it can feel like another goddamn chore to do. And there’s a level of cultural guilt-tripping around it: not just “make sure you do things together you enjoy”, but “you HAVE to get out for date nights during which you must be fun and witty and sparkly and pretend like you’re still your pre-baby selves, otherwise your marriage will collapse and your husband will run off with the neighbour.” For me, I already felt like the baby needed me so intensely it was draining all the energy I had, and if I’d also felt like my husband was in the background for those early months tapping his foot and looking impatient it would have bred massive resentment.
So we did spend time together, but we didn’t do date nights because the practicalities didn’t really work out for us. We went to a lot of places with the baby and we stayed in and got pizza and watched TV. And we reminded each other it would not be this exhausting forever and we’d have more time for just us to do couple stuff in the future, and in the meantime we still loved each other and were in this for the long haul.
posted by Catseye at 3:27 AM on May 29, 2019 [2 favorites]
We did a lot of discussion beforehand - we both agreed that barring physical limitations the work of parenting should be shared as equally as possible and we talked about what that would mean in practice.
For example, if the mother is breastfeeding and the husband has only a short leave the impulse is to let night time feedings become the mother's responsibility. That seems logical but it sets up a situation where they continue to be mom's responsibility even after she's gone back to work, leading to a lot of resentment. So from the very beginning my husband woke for most wakeups, did all diaper changes, brought the baby to me once we stopped cosleeping, rocked the baby to sleep etc. This sounded harsh, but honestly so was postpartum recovery and learning to breastfeed so I didn't feel too bad. Regarding these middle of the night wakeups, we found that the majority of our arguments happened then. You turned on the light, are you nuts, the baby will never sleep. Why did you bring the baby to bed, I thought we agreed we were crib training and on and on. So it was super important to decide on a course of action the evening before, really memorize what we would do and then just have to execute in the middle of the night. Minimize middle of the night decision making to the extent possible.
There's a lot of mental load on the mom and you should agree on ways to reduce that to the extent possible. For example, when I returned to work I had to pump. This already entailed a large mental load of juggling meetings and coming and going at the right times and making sure the baby had enough to eat. But my husband was made responsible for all the pumping related home activities - washing and drying stuff, freezing the milk, defrosting milk as needed, packing my bag in the mornings. It wasn't equal by any means but it felt like he was sharing the burden and doing his best to make things easy for me, which went a long way.
posted by peacheater at 4:12 AM on May 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
For example, if the mother is breastfeeding and the husband has only a short leave the impulse is to let night time feedings become the mother's responsibility. That seems logical but it sets up a situation where they continue to be mom's responsibility even after she's gone back to work, leading to a lot of resentment. So from the very beginning my husband woke for most wakeups, did all diaper changes, brought the baby to me once we stopped cosleeping, rocked the baby to sleep etc. This sounded harsh, but honestly so was postpartum recovery and learning to breastfeed so I didn't feel too bad. Regarding these middle of the night wakeups, we found that the majority of our arguments happened then. You turned on the light, are you nuts, the baby will never sleep. Why did you bring the baby to bed, I thought we agreed we were crib training and on and on. So it was super important to decide on a course of action the evening before, really memorize what we would do and then just have to execute in the middle of the night. Minimize middle of the night decision making to the extent possible.
There's a lot of mental load on the mom and you should agree on ways to reduce that to the extent possible. For example, when I returned to work I had to pump. This already entailed a large mental load of juggling meetings and coming and going at the right times and making sure the baby had enough to eat. But my husband was made responsible for all the pumping related home activities - washing and drying stuff, freezing the milk, defrosting milk as needed, packing my bag in the mornings. It wasn't equal by any means but it felt like he was sharing the burden and doing his best to make things easy for me, which went a long way.
posted by peacheater at 4:12 AM on May 29, 2019 [4 favorites]
We have a 3.5 year old and now an 8-month old. Having the first kid involved a lot of tough times, so did having the second. Sleep was a big deal with our kids - neither one was a great sleeper until 8-9 mo. The new one is starting to sleep better now, so it feels like we're coming out of the woods a bit.
We've always been good about assuming each other is acting in good faith, but it became even more important post-kids. If the laundry doesn't get done or plates don't get put away, the assumption isn't that it happened out of laziness or spite - something else probably came up. And when we have had anything approaching an argument, it usually comes in the form of "When you do X, it makes me feel like Y, so could you do Z?"
Taking care of the kid is pretty baked-in; make sure you spend some time thinking about how to take care of the marriage. Date nights can be good for this, but more generally, make it a point to thank your partner for doing nice things, and to show genuine concern for them.
Make sure you're both getting kid-free time to do what you need to do. And also look for ways to incorporate the kids into things you like to do. Infants are surprisingly portable - weekend brunch at a restaurant shouldn't be off the table. They can travel too.
When it comes to household tasks, read the massive emotional labor thread, and remember that asking someone to do something is still "work" of its own. Jump in and do things without being asked or without being formally "tasked" with them.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:35 AM on May 29, 2019
We've always been good about assuming each other is acting in good faith, but it became even more important post-kids. If the laundry doesn't get done or plates don't get put away, the assumption isn't that it happened out of laziness or spite - something else probably came up. And when we have had anything approaching an argument, it usually comes in the form of "When you do X, it makes me feel like Y, so could you do Z?"
Taking care of the kid is pretty baked-in; make sure you spend some time thinking about how to take care of the marriage. Date nights can be good for this, but more generally, make it a point to thank your partner for doing nice things, and to show genuine concern for them.
Make sure you're both getting kid-free time to do what you need to do. And also look for ways to incorporate the kids into things you like to do. Infants are surprisingly portable - weekend brunch at a restaurant shouldn't be off the table. They can travel too.
When it comes to household tasks, read the massive emotional labor thread, and remember that asking someone to do something is still "work" of its own. Jump in and do things without being asked or without being formally "tasked" with them.
posted by craven_morhead at 11:35 AM on May 29, 2019
This hasn't been true for us. We have a 6-month-old and the past ~1.5 years (pregnancy + post-baby) have probably been the most fun for us. Here is why I think this has been the case:
- Lowered expectations - we both thought parenthood would suck way more than it does! Turns out the joys actually do outweigh the hard parts.
- In Canada, we have a 12 to 18 month parental leave which allows me to stay home for at least a year.
- My husband also took 3 months off after the baby's birth to stay home with us. To be clear, this was unpaid leave for one of us, but 100% WORTH IT. This meant that he got to be involved in childcare from the very beginning, and realizes how much work it is. There is NOTHING that I know how to do with our baby that he doesn't. In fact, there are some things that he is better at, like bedtime.
- Baby is formula fed. This means my husband can also take night feedings, which he does. We alternate waking up. We don't take turns; it is just based on who is more tired. How do we know? We just do based on who is more able to get up. Either of us can say at any time "Hey, I'm too tired, can you get the baby?"
- Despite being back at work full-time now, my husband continues to do childcare in the evening, on weekends, and at night. Again, this isn't really turn-based; it's just who is up to it on a specific day - who wants to give baby the bath, who wants to make dinner, or do we want to order in 'cause we are tired and one person needs a shower/nap/some alone time. In the evenings, one person is on baby duty, the other person is either on dinner duty or completely OFF.
The way we see it is my husband works from 9 to 6 outside the home (taking into account commute time), but I work inside the home from 9 to 6. My job is baby care. My job is not cleaning the house, washing dishes, cooking, taking care of other domestic stuff; because we both work in the day, the house stuff is divided equally in the evenings and weekends just like it would be if we were both working outside the home.
- Because my husband is equally involved in childcare, he is involved in every single decision. We make every single decision about childcare related stuff and home stuff together. To co-sleep or not co-sleep, to keep breastfeeding or not (this one was more me because it involved my body), to start sleep training or not, WHEN to start sleep training, what sleep training will look like, when to start solids, etc. Everything. We decide together, so we are on the same page and so it's not just one person making all the decisions and the other person just implementing them.
- We both have plenty of family around and we rely on them for babysitting help for date nights and such. We also are lucky to have friends who are understanding that it's harder for us to get out now, and are willing to come to us to hang out with us at least some of the time. This means that I haven't been as socially isolated as I could've been.
- We do have a cleaning person. They come once a month for 3-4 hours.
- As much as possible, we shop online! Most of my clothes and baby's clothes are bought online. We order groceries and household goods online and then just pick them up once a week.
- We play to our strengths! For example, I do not mind doing more of the emotional labour like writing thank you cards or organizing our social life (i.e. dates with friends and family). Why? Because my husband is bad at responding to people's texts and I am just more plugged in that way. I also do not mind tasks like scheduling the doctors' appointments, sorting baby's clothes, putting away the outgrown ones, buying new clothes online, etc. But my husband then does the physical legwork of packing up the baby for the appointment and putting the boxes in deep storage and going to drop the bag of clothes off to donate. That's because I hate driving. The only exception to this is groceries which he orders and picks up.
- We don't get mad about the small things. Turns out I was annoying my husband by leaving the scoop in the formula box instead of in the lid of it where there is a place for it. He just told me "Hey, can you not do this anymore?" and I said "Okay, I won't", and now I do my best to not do that thing. Similarly, he annoys me by keeping dirty diapers near the change pad instead of in the garbage pail where they belong, and I just ask him to please throw them away. He says "Sorry, I forgot, I'll keep that in mind." Neither of us get annoyed about it.
posted by spicytunaroll at 2:25 PM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
- Lowered expectations - we both thought parenthood would suck way more than it does! Turns out the joys actually do outweigh the hard parts.
- In Canada, we have a 12 to 18 month parental leave which allows me to stay home for at least a year.
- My husband also took 3 months off after the baby's birth to stay home with us. To be clear, this was unpaid leave for one of us, but 100% WORTH IT. This meant that he got to be involved in childcare from the very beginning, and realizes how much work it is. There is NOTHING that I know how to do with our baby that he doesn't. In fact, there are some things that he is better at, like bedtime.
- Baby is formula fed. This means my husband can also take night feedings, which he does. We alternate waking up. We don't take turns; it is just based on who is more tired. How do we know? We just do based on who is more able to get up. Either of us can say at any time "Hey, I'm too tired, can you get the baby?"
- Despite being back at work full-time now, my husband continues to do childcare in the evening, on weekends, and at night. Again, this isn't really turn-based; it's just who is up to it on a specific day - who wants to give baby the bath, who wants to make dinner, or do we want to order in 'cause we are tired and one person needs a shower/nap/some alone time. In the evenings, one person is on baby duty, the other person is either on dinner duty or completely OFF.
The way we see it is my husband works from 9 to 6 outside the home (taking into account commute time), but I work inside the home from 9 to 6. My job is baby care. My job is not cleaning the house, washing dishes, cooking, taking care of other domestic stuff; because we both work in the day, the house stuff is divided equally in the evenings and weekends just like it would be if we were both working outside the home.
- Because my husband is equally involved in childcare, he is involved in every single decision. We make every single decision about childcare related stuff and home stuff together. To co-sleep or not co-sleep, to keep breastfeeding or not (this one was more me because it involved my body), to start sleep training or not, WHEN to start sleep training, what sleep training will look like, when to start solids, etc. Everything. We decide together, so we are on the same page and so it's not just one person making all the decisions and the other person just implementing them.
- We both have plenty of family around and we rely on them for babysitting help for date nights and such. We also are lucky to have friends who are understanding that it's harder for us to get out now, and are willing to come to us to hang out with us at least some of the time. This means that I haven't been as socially isolated as I could've been.
- We do have a cleaning person. They come once a month for 3-4 hours.
- As much as possible, we shop online! Most of my clothes and baby's clothes are bought online. We order groceries and household goods online and then just pick them up once a week.
- We play to our strengths! For example, I do not mind doing more of the emotional labour like writing thank you cards or organizing our social life (i.e. dates with friends and family). Why? Because my husband is bad at responding to people's texts and I am just more plugged in that way. I also do not mind tasks like scheduling the doctors' appointments, sorting baby's clothes, putting away the outgrown ones, buying new clothes online, etc. But my husband then does the physical legwork of packing up the baby for the appointment and putting the boxes in deep storage and going to drop the bag of clothes off to donate. That's because I hate driving. The only exception to this is groceries which he orders and picks up.
- We don't get mad about the small things. Turns out I was annoying my husband by leaving the scoop in the formula box instead of in the lid of it where there is a place for it. He just told me "Hey, can you not do this anymore?" and I said "Okay, I won't", and now I do my best to not do that thing. Similarly, he annoys me by keeping dirty diapers near the change pad instead of in the garbage pail where they belong, and I just ask him to please throw them away. He says "Sorry, I forgot, I'll keep that in mind." Neither of us get annoyed about it.
posted by spicytunaroll at 2:25 PM on May 31, 2019 [2 favorites]
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posted by stillmoving at 2:26 PM on May 28, 2019