Everything but the man
May 23, 2019 5:52 PM Subscribe
I am 36, female and haven’t had a boyfriend for 13 years due to reasons (see inside). I’m wondering if I am too late to meet someone,
get married and have children, and what I can do to improve my chances of that happening. I’m in a small city and outside the US but still within the English speaking world.
I was involved in a traumatic event at age 26 and it led to me developing a mental illness which had to be treated with hospitalisation, medication and time off work, and I only fully got it under control a few years ago (around age 33).
While I was sick I stopped socialising and meeting new people because I am an introvert and it was just too stressful, so for a long time my life was just work, eat, sleep.
However now I have managed to put together a modest social life, have a good job which is full time and in my field of interest but which does not require long hours like for example medicine or law would. I bought my own flat a year ago and am living alone after many years with housemates. I really love my little flat and do not miss my housemate days. The only thing missing is a partner.
Despite being single I do not believe I am needy or lonely, and I enjoy being single in many ways. But I would still like to meet someone, get married and have children if possible before it’s too late.
I joined two dating apps late last year, Bumble and OkCupid, but I haven’t been on a single date. I have matched with some men, but I find when I do, the conversation fizzles out quickly and we never find enough in common for it to be worth meeting up. For many years I thought “just live your life, the right man will come,” but that didn’t work, so I tried the dating apps. I was uncertain about them but gave it my best shot and I truly believe my profile has some nice photos and a bio which reflects who I am. I really believe I have a lot to offer a man, I’m intelligent (top 2%) independent, interesting, considerate, physically attractive and so on.
I guess what I’m asking is, has being ill at a critical time meant I’ve missed the boat? Am I going to be too late to have children? Will my relative lack of sexual experience put guys off? What can I do to improve my chances of meeting the right guy?
I was involved in a traumatic event at age 26 and it led to me developing a mental illness which had to be treated with hospitalisation, medication and time off work, and I only fully got it under control a few years ago (around age 33).
While I was sick I stopped socialising and meeting new people because I am an introvert and it was just too stressful, so for a long time my life was just work, eat, sleep.
However now I have managed to put together a modest social life, have a good job which is full time and in my field of interest but which does not require long hours like for example medicine or law would. I bought my own flat a year ago and am living alone after many years with housemates. I really love my little flat and do not miss my housemate days. The only thing missing is a partner.
Despite being single I do not believe I am needy or lonely, and I enjoy being single in many ways. But I would still like to meet someone, get married and have children if possible before it’s too late.
I joined two dating apps late last year, Bumble and OkCupid, but I haven’t been on a single date. I have matched with some men, but I find when I do, the conversation fizzles out quickly and we never find enough in common for it to be worth meeting up. For many years I thought “just live your life, the right man will come,” but that didn’t work, so I tried the dating apps. I was uncertain about them but gave it my best shot and I truly believe my profile has some nice photos and a bio which reflects who I am. I really believe I have a lot to offer a man, I’m intelligent (top 2%) independent, interesting, considerate, physically attractive and so on.
I guess what I’m asking is, has being ill at a critical time meant I’ve missed the boat? Am I going to be too late to have children? Will my relative lack of sexual experience put guys off? What can I do to improve my chances of meeting the right guy?
There is no boat to miss. Sometimes metaphors are not helpful. You need to play a numbers game. You may need to focus on demonstrating your interest more effectively--just a guess, but a common issue with people.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:59 PM on May 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 5:59 PM on May 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you want to go on dates, you should probably ask men to go on dates. Fairly simple. Happens to work.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:03 PM on May 23, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:03 PM on May 23, 2019 [11 favorites]
Just a thought, consider divorced guys. I’d take a divorced dad over a “In my 40s and never been married” guy hands down. It’s not scientific it’s just my experience.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:04 PM on May 23, 2019 [15 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:04 PM on May 23, 2019 [15 favorites]
And no you haven’t missed any boat... there’s a guy out there wondering where his smart cute woman is. It truly is just trial and error.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:06 PM on May 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 6:06 PM on May 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
"What can I do to improve my chances of meeting the right guy?"
meet a lot of guys. say no to as many as you want without meeting if you don't feel it. say yes to a second date with the ones you like.
posted by zippy at 6:14 PM on May 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
meet a lot of guys. say no to as many as you want without meeting if you don't feel it. say yes to a second date with the ones you like.
posted by zippy at 6:14 PM on May 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
I don’t think you’ve missed the boat but you need to treat it a little more seriously. Talk to your doctor about fertility. A friend of mine at your age froze her eggs. At 44, she just had her first baby and used one of those eggs. Read “Taking Charge of Your Fertility.” I think that’s still a recommended book. I found it very educational and informative.
How’s your mental health now? Do make sure you are prioritizing that if things still feel shaky.
I agree with the above that chatting too much on dating apps as opposed to meeting up and seeing how things go may be holding you up. Consider the first “date” actually a zero date. If you like each other enough after a low stress encounter then make a first date. There was a professional matchmaker some years ago who felt like you needed to know 2 things to make a match: religion and feelings on family/children. The point being that being granular in your dating profile isn't as important as basic values and wishes for family. See what you think of that when you look at profiles - what are my basic values and how can I get coffee with others who match my basic values?
And just be up front about no casual sex. “I would love to meet for coffee and see if we gel enough to make another date. Just FYI, I’m taking things slow in the bedroom so if you’re looking for a quick hookup, I won’t mind if you keep looking. Here’s some days/times that work for me to meet, how about you?)
posted by amanda at 6:19 PM on May 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
How’s your mental health now? Do make sure you are prioritizing that if things still feel shaky.
I agree with the above that chatting too much on dating apps as opposed to meeting up and seeing how things go may be holding you up. Consider the first “date” actually a zero date. If you like each other enough after a low stress encounter then make a first date. There was a professional matchmaker some years ago who felt like you needed to know 2 things to make a match: religion and feelings on family/children. The point being that being granular in your dating profile isn't as important as basic values and wishes for family. See what you think of that when you look at profiles - what are my basic values and how can I get coffee with others who match my basic values?
And just be up front about no casual sex. “I would love to meet for coffee and see if we gel enough to make another date. Just FYI, I’m taking things slow in the bedroom so if you’re looking for a quick hookup, I won’t mind if you keep looking. Here’s some days/times that work for me to meet, how about you?)
posted by amanda at 6:19 PM on May 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
Any chance you could move to a large city with more men? Could you transfer offices? An extreme measure, but perhaps worth it if it helps you meet a suitable partner sooner
posted by shaademaan at 6:20 PM on May 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by shaademaan at 6:20 PM on May 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
If you change locations it isn’t necessary to change to a bigger city, just one with a better ratio of men in the age range you’re targeting to women in the corresponding age range for marriages in your region. When dating divorced men I do ask them what they learned from their experience. It’s a good filter for me but know what you’re looking for when you ask your filter questions.
Put yourself in position to meet as many people as often as you are comfortable doing so. A solid way to meet a partner is through friends and acquaintances so making more friends and acquaintances is also worthwhile.
posted by bilabial at 6:52 PM on May 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
Put yourself in position to meet as many people as often as you are comfortable doing so. A solid way to meet a partner is through friends and acquaintances so making more friends and acquaintances is also worthwhile.
posted by bilabial at 6:52 PM on May 23, 2019 [3 favorites]
Numbers, numbers, numbers. Make dates as early as you feel comfortable with with the online dudes (though do not ignore any red flags!), meet a lot of them, wish you were dead a few hundred times, eventually you find someone.
posted by praemunire at 7:03 PM on May 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 7:03 PM on May 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
I guess what I’m asking is, has being ill at a critical time meant I’ve missed the boat? Am I going to be too late to have children? Will my relative lack of sexual experience put guys off?
No way. An independent woman with her own successful career? You're a catch.
What can I do to improve my chances of meeting the right guy?
I'm not an expert by any means, but I would be direct and forthright about asking people out. I would wait a few dates before bringing up that you want marriage and children in your future, and that your window is limited.
I would spend real time on your profile. Make sure you have a pic you like, etc. I would do some research in this regard. I have some female friends who have some rules of thumb for weeding through potential dates online : no guys with photos from hotel rooms or cars, nothing sexually suggestive, etc.
Also: Consider having a kid on your own? I have a friend that did this via a sperm donor and it really worked out for her. Another thing to consider is freezing some eggs, though you should understand it's not a sure thing.
posted by xammerboy at 7:34 PM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
No way. An independent woman with her own successful career? You're a catch.
What can I do to improve my chances of meeting the right guy?
I'm not an expert by any means, but I would be direct and forthright about asking people out. I would wait a few dates before bringing up that you want marriage and children in your future, and that your window is limited.
I would spend real time on your profile. Make sure you have a pic you like, etc. I would do some research in this regard. I have some female friends who have some rules of thumb for weeding through potential dates online : no guys with photos from hotel rooms or cars, nothing sexually suggestive, etc.
Also: Consider having a kid on your own? I have a friend that did this via a sperm donor and it really worked out for her. Another thing to consider is freezing some eggs, though you should understand it's not a sure thing.
posted by xammerboy at 7:34 PM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
What's your biggest priority? If it's to get married and have kids, yes, I'd move to a bigger place. I have been in your shoes geographically and there simply was not hidden dating pool of eligible and excellent people that well-wishes (who were never single themselves) claimed there must be somewhere.
If you're committed to staying local, then be open to all types of men of different ages and backgrounds. I agree that a single dad could be an excellent match! Even if you're not seeking it out, be open if you meet someone awesome who happens to be a parent. Be open to guys who live within a hour's drive, too, because will also improve your numbers. How important is physical appearance to you? If it's not a big deal, then you have better chances; if it is, listen to your gut and don't feel guilty for being picky. If your main goal is to have children, then you can look into having one on your own, either biologically or through adoption.
Kudos for getting through a rough time to now thrive, and for enjoying the single life while also being open for marriage and kids. As others have said, you sound like a real catch! There are probably people interested in you who don't even realize you're looking. Definitely ask guys out if you have any interest, and don't be afraid to ask a near-stranger even if it means risking rejection. Also, remember that we all have our histories with ups and downs, especially age age 36. These stories are not "baggage" or negatives but rather experiences that make us who we are and make us more interesting and appealingly human.
Finally, this last bit is about me, not a critique of you in any way, but I share it just for the perspective. I am your age and had ups and down in my past and did serial monogamy for a long time. I always said I wanted to find a partner to marry and have kids with and I kinda did BUT my actions told me otherwise. Rather than get down on myself for the wrong priorities, I have accepted that while I'm open to a traditional life, that's probably not what I actually want. I think that, were I to meet a truly great match, I might think differently; if not, that's OK, too. However, after twelve years in a small town, I realize that I needed to leave so I had better options to even consider whether or not I wanted a family. I have maybe ten years left that I might be able to have children biologically: you never know though because it's possible you'd get pregnant right away at age 40 or possible that you couldn't have gotten pregnant even at 20. I hear you on the age thing and how the timeline is real. I also think that everything will work out and you'll meet someone great very soon!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:42 PM on May 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
If you're committed to staying local, then be open to all types of men of different ages and backgrounds. I agree that a single dad could be an excellent match! Even if you're not seeking it out, be open if you meet someone awesome who happens to be a parent. Be open to guys who live within a hour's drive, too, because will also improve your numbers. How important is physical appearance to you? If it's not a big deal, then you have better chances; if it is, listen to your gut and don't feel guilty for being picky. If your main goal is to have children, then you can look into having one on your own, either biologically or through adoption.
Kudos for getting through a rough time to now thrive, and for enjoying the single life while also being open for marriage and kids. As others have said, you sound like a real catch! There are probably people interested in you who don't even realize you're looking. Definitely ask guys out if you have any interest, and don't be afraid to ask a near-stranger even if it means risking rejection. Also, remember that we all have our histories with ups and downs, especially age age 36. These stories are not "baggage" or negatives but rather experiences that make us who we are and make us more interesting and appealingly human.
Finally, this last bit is about me, not a critique of you in any way, but I share it just for the perspective. I am your age and had ups and down in my past and did serial monogamy for a long time. I always said I wanted to find a partner to marry and have kids with and I kinda did BUT my actions told me otherwise. Rather than get down on myself for the wrong priorities, I have accepted that while I'm open to a traditional life, that's probably not what I actually want. I think that, were I to meet a truly great match, I might think differently; if not, that's OK, too. However, after twelve years in a small town, I realize that I needed to leave so I had better options to even consider whether or not I wanted a family. I have maybe ten years left that I might be able to have children biologically: you never know though because it's possible you'd get pregnant right away at age 40 or possible that you couldn't have gotten pregnant even at 20. I hear you on the age thing and how the timeline is real. I also think that everything will work out and you'll meet someone great very soon!
posted by smorgasbord at 7:42 PM on May 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
Others have some great suggestions and perspective on the dating aspect but I think your question is broad enough that I can caution you on this - I made the worst mistakes of my life because I was afraid of "missing the boat".
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:06 PM on May 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by bonobothegreat at 8:06 PM on May 23, 2019 [7 favorites]
Tell people you know that your interested in finding a mate and that you'd welcome their help, e.g., introducing you to their eligible acquaintances, friends and family. Too often people let awkwardness or pride prevent them from seeking help and miss out on prospects as a result. FWIW, this internet stranger thinks you sound great: self-aware, independent and kind.
posted by carmicha at 8:13 PM on May 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 8:13 PM on May 23, 2019 [4 favorites]
So are you set on having a partner first, or would you consider having a child via sperm bank and parenting single?
Time is against you, not just because of fertility but because giving birth and chasing a toddler around and so on demands a lot from your body. And if you want to have more than one, even more so
Now you could also find someone with existing kids; would that be ok?
You have two separate goals and you need to figure out what your most pressing desire is. You don't need a husband to have kids. You don't need to birth kids yourself.
The thing to not do is marry someone just to reproduce. Marriages need more than that as a foundation. But the time pressure you are under can warp a potential relationship or make you settle. Don't take that path.
posted by emjaybee at 8:16 PM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Time is against you, not just because of fertility but because giving birth and chasing a toddler around and so on demands a lot from your body. And if you want to have more than one, even more so
Now you could also find someone with existing kids; would that be ok?
You have two separate goals and you need to figure out what your most pressing desire is. You don't need a husband to have kids. You don't need to birth kids yourself.
The thing to not do is marry someone just to reproduce. Marriages need more than that as a foundation. But the time pressure you are under can warp a potential relationship or make you settle. Don't take that path.
posted by emjaybee at 8:16 PM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Guys with whom you have a nice time but don't click are a potential source of prospects too. I met one of my great loves after a meh date with his brother. At the end of the evening he said, "I hope you don't think this is weird, but I have a strong intuition that you and [brother] would really hit it off and I'd like to introduce you." He was right.
posted by carmicha at 8:18 PM on May 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 8:18 PM on May 23, 2019 [5 favorites]
I’m in a small city
Online dating is SUPER tough in a small city. The interesting, single 30 somethings are easier to find in bigger cities. I agree with smorgasbord's suggestion of expanding your distance filter.
You may also want to add Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel to your dating app list. Those are two other popular dating apps in most areas. Tinder kinda deserves the repuatation it has but there are tons of people on there looking for serious relationships.
posted by mundo at 8:32 PM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Online dating is SUPER tough in a small city. The interesting, single 30 somethings are easier to find in bigger cities. I agree with smorgasbord's suggestion of expanding your distance filter.
You may also want to add Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel to your dating app list. Those are two other popular dating apps in most areas. Tinder kinda deserves the repuatation it has but there are tons of people on there looking for serious relationships.
posted by mundo at 8:32 PM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]
Many of things people are saying above are right on; to avoid duplication I'll add: get someone who can be frank with you to critique your photos, move your acceptable age range up, and most importantly abandon the idea that romantic compatibility scales with common interests. Many (most?) happy marriages consist of men and women who spend the large majority of their lives apart pursuing distinctly different interests and obligations, and their time together eating, watching television and doing whatever chores they share.
posted by MattD at 9:28 PM on May 23, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by MattD at 9:28 PM on May 23, 2019 [9 favorites]
A book which has been recommended in here a few times and which seems to match your situation is "It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons why you're still single" by Sara Eckel (free chapter at www.saraeckel.com if you subscribe to her free newsletter, you can always unsubscribe right away). I found the book had a very warm and comforting tone especially for people who were later bloomers.
posted by AuroraSky at 10:12 PM on May 23, 2019
posted by AuroraSky at 10:12 PM on May 23, 2019
It would be helpful to me to know if you are in Europe? You say “flat” so I think Europe? I’ve lived in a “city” in a more rural area in the UK and found it hard to meet men. I online dated all over the country. If I had to go back to that time and try again then I would have got involved with more nature hobby groups, made friends and then ask around discreetly about if anyone knew some nice eligible bachelors. No, you haven’t missed the boat. I got serious about meeting someone great and having kids when I was 33/34... started dating slightly older than me guys who were also getting serious about settling down and I was successful.
If you are in our part of the world then pm me and I will have more specific advice!
posted by catspajammies at 2:41 AM on May 24, 2019
If you are in our part of the world then pm me and I will have more specific advice!
posted by catspajammies at 2:41 AM on May 24, 2019
You sound awesome. I believe you’ll meet someone but I also believe that dating is a numbers game and you basically just need to keep putting yourself out there. I think it’s hard to stay positive if you’ve been single for a while so I’ll tell you my approach and you can see if this resonates with you. A lot of my happily settled friends were scaremongering me, the whole, oh you’re in you’re thirties now, aren’t you terrified of never meeting anyone and missing your chance? (Nice, right?).
I told them - and I sincerely believed it - that it was the exact opposite. I had no doubt that pretty soon, I would meet my person and in a few years I’d be married with kids and single life would be over. There would be no more first kisses, no more anticipation of a first date or wondering where it would go. It would eventually ease into the comfortable, predictable love that you get with knowing this is it for life but all the exciting firsts that you get with dating, well, that would be over.
With that in mind, I enjoyed the heck out of being single, because it wasn’t going to last. Because I assumed Mr Right was out there, I wasn’t desperate, there was no whiff of having to make that date work, I just treated it like one step closer to my future husband. And sure enough, it pretty much panned out just how I thought it would. But I think my attitude had a lot to do with it. Enjoy being single, being single is fun! It won’t last forever and then it will eventually lead to a lifelong kind of happiness with the person you’re meant to be with.
posted by Jubey at 2:55 AM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
I told them - and I sincerely believed it - that it was the exact opposite. I had no doubt that pretty soon, I would meet my person and in a few years I’d be married with kids and single life would be over. There would be no more first kisses, no more anticipation of a first date or wondering where it would go. It would eventually ease into the comfortable, predictable love that you get with knowing this is it for life but all the exciting firsts that you get with dating, well, that would be over.
With that in mind, I enjoyed the heck out of being single, because it wasn’t going to last. Because I assumed Mr Right was out there, I wasn’t desperate, there was no whiff of having to make that date work, I just treated it like one step closer to my future husband. And sure enough, it pretty much panned out just how I thought it would. But I think my attitude had a lot to do with it. Enjoy being single, being single is fun! It won’t last forever and then it will eventually lead to a lifelong kind of happiness with the person you’re meant to be with.
posted by Jubey at 2:55 AM on May 24, 2019 [8 favorites]
One last thought... If you're at all susceptible to the romance novel notion that each of us must find our One True Love, fight it. While of course you shouldn't settle, it remains true that there are many people in the world with whom you could share a happy and fulfilling life, build a family, and enjoy mutual love and support for as long as you both shall live. Love is a verb.
posted by carmicha at 6:37 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 6:37 AM on May 24, 2019 [3 favorites]
What zippy said. Also, I live in a European city. In the US, OK Cupid worked well for me. Here in Europe, I have had much better luck with Tinder. I am roughly twice your age and looking for different things and even so I have faith that if you treat this like a numbers game and are open to meeting lots of different people, and have the fabulous attitude suggested by Jubey, you can find a fabulous partner because there is more than one out there for you. As someone who could not get pregnant, I’m not going to promise you children because you won’t know about that until you get closer to trying it. But I hope that you can get all the things you want. Many people do.
posted by Bella Donna at 9:21 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by Bella Donna at 9:21 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
Definitely not too late. I met my long term boyfriend right before I turned 38 and had a baby at 42. While I wouldn't really recommend waiting quite that long, it is not impossible to get the family you desire in the later half of your 30s.
I was also in a smaller town and was lacking in relationship experience. I recommend meeting as many guys as you can through dating apps, not spending too much time chatting on line. Nthing those who say be open to divorced guys and look at traveling a few miles outside your city. Maybe not lay everything out on the first date, but being upfront about why you were single for so long early in the relationship can weed the jerks.
Good luck!
posted by weathergal at 9:26 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
I was also in a smaller town and was lacking in relationship experience. I recommend meeting as many guys as you can through dating apps, not spending too much time chatting on line. Nthing those who say be open to divorced guys and look at traveling a few miles outside your city. Maybe not lay everything out on the first date, but being upfront about why you were single for so long early in the relationship can weed the jerks.
Good luck!
posted by weathergal at 9:26 AM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
I am also in the UK, and I met my partner on OK Cupid. Several of my friends have met people through online dating, although I think Tinder is more the thing than OK Cupid now. You probably need to find out which apps are popular in your location. You could either ask around places you know, or peruse more general forums that people in your country live to see what dating apps people are talking about.
One of the other things I've heard of good results from is 30s/40s rambling groups. These attract both women and men, and mainly people are 35+. Lots of people seem to join them after a divorce or serious relationship breakup (rather than when they're currently coupled up).
Whether you need to move to expand your options depends a lot on the kind of small city you live in. Using the UK as an example, if you live in somewhere like Middlesbrough, then yes you most likely need to move. If it's Bath maybe not but widen your search to include Bristol. If it's Edinburgh you may as stay where you are. If you're willing to move but you like a smaller vibe, then look at a town within a near and easy commute to eg Manchester, Leeds, Bristol or possibly Birmingham, Glasgow, or Newcastle. You can probably extrapolate for other English speaking countries.
posted by plonkee at 12:10 PM on May 24, 2019
One of the other things I've heard of good results from is 30s/40s rambling groups. These attract both women and men, and mainly people are 35+. Lots of people seem to join them after a divorce or serious relationship breakup (rather than when they're currently coupled up).
Whether you need to move to expand your options depends a lot on the kind of small city you live in. Using the UK as an example, if you live in somewhere like Middlesbrough, then yes you most likely need to move. If it's Bath maybe not but widen your search to include Bristol. If it's Edinburgh you may as stay where you are. If you're willing to move but you like a smaller vibe, then look at a town within a near and easy commute to eg Manchester, Leeds, Bristol or possibly Birmingham, Glasgow, or Newcastle. You can probably extrapolate for other English speaking countries.
posted by plonkee at 12:10 PM on May 24, 2019
I met my husband on Tinder at age 30. I basically had a strategy where a) I met up with people really quickly, like within a day or two and b) I was extremely clear that I wasn't interested in casual sex. If anyone seemed like that's what they wanted, I would unmatch with them straight away. By that stage of my life, and having come out of an 'open' relationship with a commitment-phobe, I wasn't interested in mucking around and reading mixed signals/waiting for casual sex to turn into something more. I was super clear about this and also willing to walk away if I needed to.
What happened was that I went on 3 dates with 3 really nice guys in 3 days. Lunch, drinks and brunch. It was great, and I got really lucky in that one of them happened to be my future husband. One of the other ones was nice but we had no chemistry and the other one was really nice and I would have probably dated him again if I hadn't already fallen head over heels with date #2.
So yeah, that's what I would do if I were you. Date lots of men and also be very, very clear in your own mind about what you are after. Another thing that I found really helpful was to write a list of the attributes of my ideal partner (this was something I did in therapy while getting over the previous relationship). My list really helped clarify what kind of person I wanted and what kind of life I wanted, too, and it meant that when someone came along who resembled the imaginary list guy I recognised him straight away.
And no, 36 is not too late at all.
posted by thereader at 1:21 PM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
What happened was that I went on 3 dates with 3 really nice guys in 3 days. Lunch, drinks and brunch. It was great, and I got really lucky in that one of them happened to be my future husband. One of the other ones was nice but we had no chemistry and the other one was really nice and I would have probably dated him again if I hadn't already fallen head over heels with date #2.
So yeah, that's what I would do if I were you. Date lots of men and also be very, very clear in your own mind about what you are after. Another thing that I found really helpful was to write a list of the attributes of my ideal partner (this was something I did in therapy while getting over the previous relationship). My list really helped clarify what kind of person I wanted and what kind of life I wanted, too, and it meant that when someone came along who resembled the imaginary list guy I recognised him straight away.
And no, 36 is not too late at all.
posted by thereader at 1:21 PM on May 24, 2019 [4 favorites]
Someone suggested this for me, and it worked, so now I suggest it to others: relax your criteria on your profile, but keep your personal criteria where it is. Like others have said, it's a numbers game, so if you aren't too strict in your matching criteria, you'll match more people, and then you'll have the opportunity to screen out, not the website's algorithms. Obviously don't relax what is super important. Like for me, the men I matched with had to be single or divorced, no "it's complicated" or "separated" or whatever. But I relaxed my age criteria, and almost immediately matched with my husband. He was one year outside of my boundary, and when we talked and met (quickly, as others said), that one year made zero difference at all.
And 36 is not late at all! A good friend met her husband at 39 and they just had a baby at 41!
posted by BlueBear at 2:34 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
And 36 is not late at all! A good friend met her husband at 39 and they just had a baby at 41!
posted by BlueBear at 2:34 PM on May 24, 2019 [1 favorite]
If you're still in Canberra I'm not super surprised that the apps haven't been a home run. It's a small city for that. On the bright side, you have a somewhat itinerant population working for you and a takeover thriving social scene of interesting people.
What are you doing for hobbies? Hobbies that involve lots of people can be a good way to meet others eg team sports once a week like touch football or something. Basically anything where you see a largish number of people semi regularly. ANU film club maybe?
It is absoutely not too late for you. I have a friend in canberra who met a guy there when she was your age: she just had a baby a couple of months ago. Another friend after years and years of being single just got engaged last week, he and his fiance are 38.
Keep plugging away, you'll get there. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 3:15 PM on May 24, 2019
What are you doing for hobbies? Hobbies that involve lots of people can be a good way to meet others eg team sports once a week like touch football or something. Basically anything where you see a largish number of people semi regularly. ANU film club maybe?
It is absoutely not too late for you. I have a friend in canberra who met a guy there when she was your age: she just had a baby a couple of months ago. Another friend after years and years of being single just got engaged last week, he and his fiance are 38.
Keep plugging away, you'll get there. Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 3:15 PM on May 24, 2019
Not at all too late. I met my wife through a dating site when she was 38, were engaged within days, now four years later we have two kids together.
posted by tillsbury at 6:58 PM on May 24, 2019
posted by tillsbury at 6:58 PM on May 24, 2019
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posted by needs more cowbell at 5:58 PM on May 23, 2019 [15 favorites]