Splitting Up Maternity Leave
May 21, 2019 10:51 PM Subscribe
We are fortunate enough to be able to take 4 months (me) + 3 months (dad) of a combo of paid and unpaid parental leave for our first child, and are trying to figure out how to split it up. A key consideration is that the most important 5 months of my year at work will come right after the due date. I’m considering splitting up my maternity leave to take 6 weeks at the birth, then dad take 10 weeks, and then I take my remaining leave - will it work?
I work for a nonprofit doing lobbying work, and the 4-5 month period after our due date is my prime time - it’s both the most stressful and most exciting part of the year. It’s also a time when it would be hardest for my job to be out, although my CEO would be able to handle it.
I am fantasizing about a parental leave schedule that looks like this:
Birth
2 weeks - both me and dad off
+4 weeks - me off (with my mom helping out for two weeks)
At 6 weeks, I return to work, and dad takes off 10 weeks - I can likely work from home part time during this period but also need to travel 2x/week to the state capital 2 hours away
At 12 weeks (after work slows down), I take off the remaining of my leave
At 22 weeks, child care
The obvious answer might be to see how I feel, and how difficult the pregnancy and early weeks are - but for planning purposes for my job, I’ll need to have an approximate plan up front.
Can anyone who has been there provide some insight on these questions/concerns?
1) Will it be unbearably hard for me to go back to work after 6 weeks? I know many mothers have no choice but to start working even sooner, but given the choice is it a bad idea? My plan would be to breastfeed exclusively (bonus question, how exactly do you deal with pumping if you’re traveling during the day and don’t have access to a fridge?). If you’re a mom who went back to work around 6 weeks, how did you feel?
2) Am I shortchanging dad if he has the 6-12 week shift where the baby is still not very interesting? Dads I know seem to most enjoy paternity leave when the baby is a bit older, and then can bond a bit more. If you’re a dad that took leave, when did you take it and how did it go? Did you instead take 1 or 2 days a week to spread it out over the rest of the year?
3) We also like the idea of overlapping leaves for a month and traveling together with the baby - maybe at 4 months - did you do this? How did it go?
Thank you!
I work for a nonprofit doing lobbying work, and the 4-5 month period after our due date is my prime time - it’s both the most stressful and most exciting part of the year. It’s also a time when it would be hardest for my job to be out, although my CEO would be able to handle it.
I am fantasizing about a parental leave schedule that looks like this:
Birth
2 weeks - both me and dad off
+4 weeks - me off (with my mom helping out for two weeks)
At 6 weeks, I return to work, and dad takes off 10 weeks - I can likely work from home part time during this period but also need to travel 2x/week to the state capital 2 hours away
At 12 weeks (after work slows down), I take off the remaining of my leave
At 22 weeks, child care
The obvious answer might be to see how I feel, and how difficult the pregnancy and early weeks are - but for planning purposes for my job, I’ll need to have an approximate plan up front.
Can anyone who has been there provide some insight on these questions/concerns?
1) Will it be unbearably hard for me to go back to work after 6 weeks? I know many mothers have no choice but to start working even sooner, but given the choice is it a bad idea? My plan would be to breastfeed exclusively (bonus question, how exactly do you deal with pumping if you’re traveling during the day and don’t have access to a fridge?). If you’re a mom who went back to work around 6 weeks, how did you feel?
2) Am I shortchanging dad if he has the 6-12 week shift where the baby is still not very interesting? Dads I know seem to most enjoy paternity leave when the baby is a bit older, and then can bond a bit more. If you’re a dad that took leave, when did you take it and how did it go? Did you instead take 1 or 2 days a week to spread it out over the rest of the year?
3) We also like the idea of overlapping leaves for a month and traveling together with the baby - maybe at 4 months - did you do this? How did it go?
Thank you!
"The obvious answer might be to see how I feel, and how difficult the pregnancy and early weeks are ...."
This.
Every child reinvents the story, so even if you have given birth before, there is no guarantee that your child's health and well being will be at a low stress level by six weeks. If you have the option, take the full maternity leave and give both your child and your own body a better chance to recover.
Mom has the helm during the week. Dad takes a weekend shift of "Mom is sleeping in while Lit'l purplevelvet and I explore the tool aisle at Lowes -- ain't that fun? Yea! And tomorrow -- Harbor Freight! Whee!"
It's nice of you to consider how your non-pregnant partner will cope with their turn at bat, but frankly, that person has not gone through pregnancy, labor and delivery. Your health comes first.
Also... the early months can be mind-numbingly boring. You may be Very Tempted to bring Lit'l purplevelvet to work just to see how they are doing. And this can create mixed messages about you coming back early (or not coming back at all -- and yes, they will have a plan in place for that), with the related confusion and garbled expectations. Give the corporate offices a firm response so that they can plan efficiently, and have a better idea about your goals with their company.
But your body needs this time to recover (repeating myself) and if the corporate offices are okay with giving you maternity leave while they set up a consistent, non-distracted production staff in your absence, then encourage them to keep up the good work. The next office worker on maternity leave will appreciate how they stepped up for you.
Congratulations!
posted by TrishaU at 11:44 PM on May 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
This.
Every child reinvents the story, so even if you have given birth before, there is no guarantee that your child's health and well being will be at a low stress level by six weeks. If you have the option, take the full maternity leave and give both your child and your own body a better chance to recover.
Mom has the helm during the week. Dad takes a weekend shift of "Mom is sleeping in while Lit'l purplevelvet and I explore the tool aisle at Lowes -- ain't that fun? Yea! And tomorrow -- Harbor Freight! Whee!"
It's nice of you to consider how your non-pregnant partner will cope with their turn at bat, but frankly, that person has not gone through pregnancy, labor and delivery. Your health comes first.
Also... the early months can be mind-numbingly boring. You may be Very Tempted to bring Lit'l purplevelvet to work just to see how they are doing. And this can create mixed messages about you coming back early (or not coming back at all -- and yes, they will have a plan in place for that), with the related confusion and garbled expectations. Give the corporate offices a firm response so that they can plan efficiently, and have a better idea about your goals with their company.
But your body needs this time to recover (repeating myself) and if the corporate offices are okay with giving you maternity leave while they set up a consistent, non-distracted production staff in your absence, then encourage them to keep up the good work. The next office worker on maternity leave will appreciate how they stepped up for you.
Congratulations!
posted by TrishaU at 11:44 PM on May 21, 2019 [2 favorites]
In general I think having dad do part of the leave is great. That said, for me weeks 6-10 or so were the hardest in terms of sleep deprivation and hormones. I was probably legit not well during that time for both kids. It’s been long enough that the sleep deprivation has really ground you down and at least I was not physically fully recovered.
So I would think about how you would deal with that ahead of time. If you’re breastfeeding you’ll be up (optimistically) 2-3 times a night- can you pump then as well? Would you be able to give up breastfeeding if it was too logistically difficult or would you be devastated? If you’re still physically not 100% will you be able to perform at work and enjoy the exciting time?
For me, looking back at my two maternity leaves, it would have been a bad idea. But you know yourself better, just make sure you’ve realistically thought through the scenarios. I don’t think you need to assume that everything will go wrong, but you can safely assume that at least something won’t be like you had imagined.
posted by ohio at 11:55 PM on May 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
So I would think about how you would deal with that ahead of time. If you’re breastfeeding you’ll be up (optimistically) 2-3 times a night- can you pump then as well? Would you be able to give up breastfeeding if it was too logistically difficult or would you be devastated? If you’re still physically not 100% will you be able to perform at work and enjoy the exciting time?
For me, looking back at my two maternity leaves, it would have been a bad idea. But you know yourself better, just make sure you’ve realistically thought through the scenarios. I don’t think you need to assume that everything will go wrong, but you can safely assume that at least something won’t be like you had imagined.
posted by ohio at 11:55 PM on May 21, 2019 [4 favorites]
Two colleagues of mine did this type of schedule in the past year. But they were both husbands in heterosexual relationships, so I don't know how their wives experienced it.
posted by praemunire at 12:01 AM on May 22, 2019
posted by praemunire at 12:01 AM on May 22, 2019
About breastfeeding....
We still laugh, 30 years later, about me hopping out of bed to answer our new baby's morning cries -- and shrieking, "THEY'RE FROZEN!!!!" I was naked, it was winter, my breasts were full....
My sweet husband couldn't help it. He was doubled over, laughing, while Honorable Oldest Daughter and I sat up in bed, both crying, while she furiously woofed down her morning meal.
Anyway....
Once the milk comes in, them jugs get big. And babies are voracious suck engines. Not fun when you have another breast that is large and leaking and raring to go, and HOD is cuddled and relaxed and ready to doze off....
Three to five minutes on the first side. Switch breasts. Settle in, and switch again if needed. Enjoy the sight of a dear little baby, warm and dreamy-eyed, furiously sucking... then sighing and giving a grin, letting the nipple fall away... then startling up and rooting for it and furiously sucking again....
Plan for the early morning meal before you leave, even if you have to wake the baby up. Use a breast pump while out of town and throw out the milk, rather than taking a chance on it spoiling or becoming contaminated. Use bottled formula at home to supplement. We had major problems with powdered formula back in the 1980s.
Have a few thin crochet shawls or silky scarves for public breast feeding. Front carriers are very nice. And check for poop in 30 minutes. Pee and poop equals diaper rash. Otherwise, it's sleepy time.
The first tooth signaled the end of breastfeeding for both girls. It was fun while it lasted. Formula and first foods are just fine.
posted by TrishaU at 12:16 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
We still laugh, 30 years later, about me hopping out of bed to answer our new baby's morning cries -- and shrieking, "THEY'RE FROZEN!!!!" I was naked, it was winter, my breasts were full....
My sweet husband couldn't help it. He was doubled over, laughing, while Honorable Oldest Daughter and I sat up in bed, both crying, while she furiously woofed down her morning meal.
Anyway....
Once the milk comes in, them jugs get big. And babies are voracious suck engines. Not fun when you have another breast that is large and leaking and raring to go, and HOD is cuddled and relaxed and ready to doze off....
Three to five minutes on the first side. Switch breasts. Settle in, and switch again if needed. Enjoy the sight of a dear little baby, warm and dreamy-eyed, furiously sucking... then sighing and giving a grin, letting the nipple fall away... then startling up and rooting for it and furiously sucking again....
Plan for the early morning meal before you leave, even if you have to wake the baby up. Use a breast pump while out of town and throw out the milk, rather than taking a chance on it spoiling or becoming contaminated. Use bottled formula at home to supplement. We had major problems with powdered formula back in the 1980s.
Have a few thin crochet shawls or silky scarves for public breast feeding. Front carriers are very nice. And check for poop in 30 minutes. Pee and poop equals diaper rash. Otherwise, it's sleepy time.
The first tooth signaled the end of breastfeeding for both girls. It was fun while it lasted. Formula and first foods are just fine.
posted by TrishaU at 12:16 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
Before I had my now 6 month old, I was a workaholic. I also would have strongly considered prioritising my work in a schedule as you describe if I had to make the choices you have to make.
Now that baby is here I couldn’t give two fucks about work and know that when I go back I will be prioritising me and my family. Don’t feel guilty about maternity leave. Whatever your organisation offers, take it when it is best for you, not for the company. You don’t want to regret rushing back to work early and prioritising your job.
I found the first 4 months HARD and the thought of going back to work in that time makes me shudder.
Breastfeeding can be easy or can be hard. I ended up with low milk supply (confirmed by a lactation consultant) and I was spending so much time pumping, feeding, supplementing that if I had gone back to work it would have had to have been the end of breastfeeding.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 1:36 AM on May 22, 2019 [8 favorites]
Now that baby is here I couldn’t give two fucks about work and know that when I go back I will be prioritising me and my family. Don’t feel guilty about maternity leave. Whatever your organisation offers, take it when it is best for you, not for the company. You don’t want to regret rushing back to work early and prioritising your job.
I found the first 4 months HARD and the thought of going back to work in that time makes me shudder.
Breastfeeding can be easy or can be hard. I ended up with low milk supply (confirmed by a lactation consultant) and I was spending so much time pumping, feeding, supplementing that if I had gone back to work it would have had to have been the end of breastfeeding.
posted by peanut butter milkshake at 1:36 AM on May 22, 2019 [8 favorites]
2) Am I shortchanging dad if he has the 6-12 week shift where the baby is still not very interesting? Dads I know seem to most enjoy paternity leave when the baby is a bit older, and then can bond a bit more. If you’re a dad that took leave, when did you take it and how did it go? Did you instead take 1 or 2 days a week to spread it out over the rest of the year?I took the first 11 weeks (of 12) of my paternity leave immediately with my first daughter and it worked out swimmingly. I took the nights, mom took the mornings, and we were both about as well rested as possible with an infant at home. (Two side notes here: pumping sucks but it will allow you, mom, to sleep, and sleep is super important for your mental health and ability to parent. The "breast is best" people will hammer home breastfeeding's importance, but if you need to supplement with formula, DO IT and don't let anybody guilt you. Have some formula and bottles ready to go in a pinch. Your child will be great. Ours is!) It was a magical time, even though they don't do much -- it was just nice to be at home as a family unit.
With another on the way but increased work responsibilities, I don't think I'd want to go back to work any earlier than 6 weeks. (The first two weeks are the worst. No, the first four weeks are the worst. No, the first six weeks are the worst... you get my point.) It gets significantly better every week until they're 3 months old or so, and then it continues to get better, just less quickly. But really, at 8 weeks was the first time that I really thought "this seems manageable."
Every child reinvents the story, so even if you have given birth before, there is no guarantee that your child's health and well being will be at a low stress level by six weeks. If you have the option, take the full maternity leave and give both your child and your own body a better chance to recover.Fully agreed with this. Also keep in mind that heading back to work is NOT an easy transition after having a child. I was on half-time for the first two weeks I returned home and still had to make liberal use of my office's nap room (I know). My wife had an even harder time of it than I did, and she returned to work after 5 months off and working part-time from home. If you have the ability to give yourself some latitude here, do it. Coming back to work in a busy and stressful time after a major life change is setting yourself up to be very stressed.
One final piece of advice: everybody will tell you stories about how they did it. Just remember that there's no one right way to be a parent: you have to find what works for you. Pick and choose what you want. A couple of my favorite books that helped us: Expecting Better, Cribsheet, The Happiest Baby On The Block, and 12 Hours Sleep by 12 Weeks Old (not guaranteed to work, but useful philosophical framing for sleep).
Congratulations! It's an amazing journey and you will love it, as hard as it is.
posted by kdar at 2:25 AM on May 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
Please ignore me if you've already checked into this but many workplaces require parental leave to be in one contiguous chunk for insurance reasons - that is, you can't go out on leave, come back for some time, and then go out again. Make sure that's not the case for you before you get too far into the planning of the ideal leave.
posted by peacheater at 3:32 AM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 3:32 AM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
I asked a similar question not too long ago! If you're breastfeeding, I would strongly encourage you to take off more than six weeks in the beginning. I found at six weeks I was just beginning to feel physically normal and I was still nowhere close to breastfeeding that was easy or effortless -- for me or the baby. If your husband can split his leave, I would see if he could take six weeks right at once and the rest at the end of your leave. I totally get the sense that you are leaving work at a peak period. I'm a consultant and definitely left in the middle of some massive projects but at the end of the day, I feel like work has to deal and you have to prioritize your family. If you do end up formula feeding, I think six weeks and then going back to work would be do-able, because baby would be used to getting a bottle (presumably from either parent), and you will be physically freer. Congrats on the baby!
posted by neematoad at 4:51 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by neematoad at 4:51 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
To answer your question about how to pump while traveling without access to a fridge - it’s difficult. Pumping in your car is not that bad, especially if you have tinted windows. I would recommend the Spectra S2 pump if your insurance covers most of the cost, because it has a very long lasting battery which is easier than a car plug in (one less thing to carry around and worry about). Storing the milk is another issue. It will last a while in a cooler with ice packs, but not all day. Kelly Mom says it’s ok in a cooler for 24 hours but that never worked for me, the milk got hot and didn’t seem safe after a few hours in a hot car. Pumping around lunch time, storing it in a cooler with ice, then returning home by 5pm to put it immediately in the fridge seems doable.
posted by amy.g.dala at 5:17 AM on May 22, 2019
posted by amy.g.dala at 5:17 AM on May 22, 2019
Your plan sounds great to me!
One thing you'll want to put some thought into is pumping/breast-feeding.
I think if you choose to stop breastfeeding when you go back to work, it will make your life so much easier. Especially if your job is high stress and involves 2hr car trips, you're going to be arranging your whole day around how and where you can pump.
I want you to give yourself permission to stop breastfeeding at 6 weeks if you do end up going back to work. I pumped at my (low stress, quiet, private office) job from 8weeks-12mo and it wasn't AWFUL but it hugely impacted my life. Carting all the stuff around, the pump breaks occasionally etc. There can be so much social pressure to breastfeed for a year, and especially with your first, you can be very vulnerable to that pressure.
posted by tk_zk at 5:36 AM on May 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
One thing you'll want to put some thought into is pumping/breast-feeding.
I think if you choose to stop breastfeeding when you go back to work, it will make your life so much easier. Especially if your job is high stress and involves 2hr car trips, you're going to be arranging your whole day around how and where you can pump.
I want you to give yourself permission to stop breastfeeding at 6 weeks if you do end up going back to work. I pumped at my (low stress, quiet, private office) job from 8weeks-12mo and it wasn't AWFUL but it hugely impacted my life. Carting all the stuff around, the pump breaks occasionally etc. There can be so much social pressure to breastfeed for a year, and especially with your first, you can be very vulnerable to that pressure.
posted by tk_zk at 5:36 AM on May 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
I would recommend having a contingency plan in place in case you need or want to take the entire leave all at once. Or even if you’d want to ease back on a part time basis?
I am passionate about my work, with a supportive partner and local family. My plan was to do 10 weeks full time and then part time for 6 months. When I sat back at my desk at 11 week, I literally said out loud- what the fuck am I doing here. I was on little sleep; I was in an uncomfortable bra with a wire, ugh (was exclusively breastfeeding); and I missed my baby. The best part though was peeing when I wanted and eating hot foods.
I did that day in the office, then I took another 2 months and went part time for the rest of the year. My work involves important policy work at that time. It still got done in my absence. And I’m back, and work is always there. I do not regret my decisions. Especially seeing my crazy toddler now and cherishing the quiet snuggles and stroller walks we had.
Also my partner was there for the first two months. He got plenty of time with her and loved the snuggles, skin to skin, watching her bat at toys. I think you’d be shortchanging him if he didn’t get that early time. He should be involved throughout, its wonderful to see the developmental changes.
posted by inevitability at 6:51 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I am passionate about my work, with a supportive partner and local family. My plan was to do 10 weeks full time and then part time for 6 months. When I sat back at my desk at 11 week, I literally said out loud- what the fuck am I doing here. I was on little sleep; I was in an uncomfortable bra with a wire, ugh (was exclusively breastfeeding); and I missed my baby. The best part though was peeing when I wanted and eating hot foods.
I did that day in the office, then I took another 2 months and went part time for the rest of the year. My work involves important policy work at that time. It still got done in my absence. And I’m back, and work is always there. I do not regret my decisions. Especially seeing my crazy toddler now and cherishing the quiet snuggles and stroller walks we had.
Also my partner was there for the first two months. He got plenty of time with her and loved the snuggles, skin to skin, watching her bat at toys. I think you’d be shortchanging him if he didn’t get that early time. He should be involved throughout, its wonderful to see the developmental changes.
posted by inevitability at 6:51 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I think your approximate plan sounds fine, but don't get super attached to it. It's fine to suggest it to your CEO now, and say, "but of course, this could change." And then accept the change and roll with it. I derive a lot of my identity from my work and was sure I would be very eager to go back and be myself again. I look back on this version of myself and chuckle quietly.
If your primary concern is waiting for work to slow down, don't do that. For real; your work is cyclical, and the world will continue to run without you. But your new baby is only a new baby once. I did twelve weeks right at the beginning and my husband had six. We did them together. My brain was so fried that I don't know how I would have possibly done any work on the lack of sleep in the first couple of weeks. I barely showered. If you plan to return to work at six weeks, know that the baby is not going to be sleeping through the night by then. You will still be up with her if you are breastfeeding. You will not get consecutive sleep hours for a long time. You might need to consider pumping or supplementing with formula for overnights, and a night nurse, if you really need to be sharp for work with a six week old baby.
Your personal risk avoidance policy notwithstanding, I don't know that I would choose to travel with a four month old. They are not fully vaccinated and could be exposed to any number of horrifying pathogens that seem to live on airplanes and airports and people-heavy transit hubs. Like, I'd do it if I had to, but not for fun. The US has an increasing herd immunity problem. People do it all the time, though. Talk to your pediatrician about it.
My husband's parental leave was not for the purpose of bonding with the baby, and parental leave for men is not for a chance to "bond with the baby" and more than yours is. It is for recovery. They are fathers, the bonding will happen. You don't need to try and curate a perfect bonding experience between your husband and your baby. You will need the help - from him, your family, a nurse - and you need to be provided that help full stop. Babies are just not very interesting, full stop. The ennui killed us. It got better over time. My husband and my baby are just starting to have some fun at six months.
posted by juniperesque at 6:57 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
If your primary concern is waiting for work to slow down, don't do that. For real; your work is cyclical, and the world will continue to run without you. But your new baby is only a new baby once. I did twelve weeks right at the beginning and my husband had six. We did them together. My brain was so fried that I don't know how I would have possibly done any work on the lack of sleep in the first couple of weeks. I barely showered. If you plan to return to work at six weeks, know that the baby is not going to be sleeping through the night by then. You will still be up with her if you are breastfeeding. You will not get consecutive sleep hours for a long time. You might need to consider pumping or supplementing with formula for overnights, and a night nurse, if you really need to be sharp for work with a six week old baby.
Your personal risk avoidance policy notwithstanding, I don't know that I would choose to travel with a four month old. They are not fully vaccinated and could be exposed to any number of horrifying pathogens that seem to live on airplanes and airports and people-heavy transit hubs. Like, I'd do it if I had to, but not for fun. The US has an increasing herd immunity problem. People do it all the time, though. Talk to your pediatrician about it.
My husband's parental leave was not for the purpose of bonding with the baby, and parental leave for men is not for a chance to "bond with the baby" and more than yours is. It is for recovery. They are fathers, the bonding will happen. You don't need to try and curate a perfect bonding experience between your husband and your baby. You will need the help - from him, your family, a nurse - and you need to be provided that help full stop. Babies are just not very interesting, full stop. The ennui killed us. It got better over time. My husband and my baby are just starting to have some fun at six months.
posted by juniperesque at 6:57 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
It might be a good idea to really explore your flexibility around breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is terrific, but pumping is very hard, and pumping while traveling is also very hard, and starting to pump when the baby is still very young so breastfeeding isn't super solidly established is plausibly also going to be very hard. And the research seems to keep showing that health benefits from breastfeeding over formula (in a developed country and all that) are somewhere between minimal and really hard to identify at all. If you go in thinking of that as an area where you're completely fine with playing it by ear and seeing what works for you, with no bad feelings about formula, I think it might make it all easier on you.
(If breastfeeding is very important to you, it is, and I don't mean to put pressure in the other direction, of course.)
posted by LizardBreath at 7:07 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
(If breastfeeding is very important to you, it is, and I don't mean to put pressure in the other direction, of course.)
posted by LizardBreath at 7:07 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
I've had three pregnancies/births and would not have wanted to go back to work six weeks postpartum for any of them. I needed longer than that to get settled into a baby routine (particularly with the first where everything was so brand new). My body was still healing and changing and putting on real clothes felt gross. Throwing travel into the mix like you're imagining would have stressed me out so much. YMMV but since you have a choice and asked for my opinion, do not go back at six weeks, particularly if you're looking to breastfeed exclusively. I tried to ease back into work after my first, and drawing it out made it worse. It's easier to just be on a long leave and then not be on leave and build a normal routine again.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:14 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:14 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
I had to go back to work after three weeks with my oldest. It wasn't that bad! However, I was 25, and the birth went fine, and I was so sick throughout my whole pregnancy that I felt great in comparison. With my youngest, being a few years older or something left me much more exhausted, but I think I would've been okay doing it at six weeks. If you end up needing surgery or have trouble breastfeeding and aren't willing to supplement with formula, then you'll likely want more time.
That said, if I were you I would consider only doing this if YOU really want to be part of the busy period at work. If you're doing it to be part of the team, forget that and let them work it out.
posted by metasarah at 7:16 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
That said, if I were you I would consider only doing this if YOU really want to be part of the busy period at work. If you're doing it to be part of the team, forget that and let them work it out.
posted by metasarah at 7:16 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
If you're breastfeeding, I would strongly encourage you to take off more than six weeks in the beginning. I found at six weeks I was just beginning to feel physically normal and I was still nowhere close to breastfeeding that was easy or effortless -- for me or the baby.
This was my experience as well. You won't know how breastfeeding will go until the baby is here and you are trying it, so it will be good to have flexibility with how long you plan to take off. My baby was about 2 months old before he was able to latch well and stay awake regularly for a full feeding. Breastfeeding became easier rather than an exercise in frustration. I know people do it, and it's very personal and personality dependent, but for me six weeks would have felt much too short.
posted by JenMarie at 8:52 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
This was my experience as well. You won't know how breastfeeding will go until the baby is here and you are trying it, so it will be good to have flexibility with how long you plan to take off. My baby was about 2 months old before he was able to latch well and stay awake regularly for a full feeding. Breastfeeding became easier rather than an exercise in frustration. I know people do it, and it's very personal and personality dependent, but for me six weeks would have felt much too short.
posted by JenMarie at 8:52 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is so, so variable, and really, with your first, you don't have any sense of what you're going to want or how your recovery will be. I went back at 12 weeks with my first and was horrifically miserable. With my second I went back at 16 weeks and my husband took 12 weeks. That was a little better but I still wasn't ready and spent a lot of time resentful and angry about it (as well as exhausted!). I do know a couple of women who were happy to go back or wanted to go early....but the VAST majority of women I know with kids wanted more time at home with them before going back. And ALL of them were zombies for the first 3-4 months a minimum, mostly longer, or two years in the worst cases. Also I don't know anyone who was really physically recovered at six weeks; if you have a c-section at 6 weeks you're barely cleared for regular activity (meaning - carrying anything heavier than your baby; any exercise) and you will still be in pain. Sitting in a car for two hours could be really hard. If you're breastfeeding you're still getting that sorted and explosive with milk, you'll be nursing every two hours - or more - and pumping is a PITA (I am pumping while I type this!). You should also know that around 6-8 weeks is prime cluster feeding time, when the baby may be nursing for three, or four, or six hours straight, like from 8pm to 2am. Like just non-stop attached to your nipples.
It's not terribly fashionable to say so, I know you're supposed to say women can do anything, but as a mother, a worker, and someone with professional expertise in perinatal and children's health, I think going back to work at six weeks is a terrible idea, especially if you are going to be doing things that require a lot of attention to detail, focus, etc. You are going to be tired and still recovering no matter what, even if you're bored and raring to go. I'm still incredibly resentful and angry that US culture even acts like this should be a thing, to be honest.
Overlapping leaves is great, and if you can split it, even better. I'd say you'll most want help at the very beginning, and at the end to transition. Agree with the comment above that you may not want to travel much, especially given the measles outbreaks we're dealing with.
posted by john_snow at 9:02 AM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
It's not terribly fashionable to say so, I know you're supposed to say women can do anything, but as a mother, a worker, and someone with professional expertise in perinatal and children's health, I think going back to work at six weeks is a terrible idea, especially if you are going to be doing things that require a lot of attention to detail, focus, etc. You are going to be tired and still recovering no matter what, even if you're bored and raring to go. I'm still incredibly resentful and angry that US culture even acts like this should be a thing, to be honest.
Overlapping leaves is great, and if you can split it, even better. I'd say you'll most want help at the very beginning, and at the end to transition. Agree with the comment above that you may not want to travel much, especially given the measles outbreaks we're dealing with.
posted by john_snow at 9:02 AM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by janell at 11:14 PM on May 21, 2019 [1 favorite]