how to break up without tragedy?

February 26, 2006 7:23 PM

I'm having serious doubts about my 8-year relationship, but my SO is going through a really rough time right now--& may even be suicidal. I think I want out, but I'm afraid it could drive him over the edge.

Throughout the relationship there have been problems, but in the past I've felt that I could deal with them, that my feelings for him made it worth it. But now I'm just exhausted, & less naive about things getting better eventually, & despite my efforts not to, have built up resentment for the sacrifices--I've spent so much time focusing on him that I don't know who I am anymore, what I want. & for some reason over the past few weeks, a growing sense of complete, trapped panic.

He's had alot of mental health issues, various diagnoses but is basically very unstable, possibly bipolar. He's threatened suicide in the past if I left--which I realize is very emotionally manipulative, but something I have reason to take seriously.

Right now, he's on the recovery path from a series of devastating crises--financially, academically, mentally--triple-whammy within a period of about a month. I've been there for him & things are starting to look up, he's in therapy finally & starting to get back on his feet. But still financially & emotionally dependant in a lot of ways. & horribly, for some reason the nagging 'flee!!' voice in my head has reached an overwhelming level--it's tearing me apart.

Is there any way to extricate myself from this horrible situation without massive trauma for both of us? He's very insecure, has picked up on my misgivings before (before I was willing/able to admit them to myself) & has told me I should just leave if I had any doubts at all. I just convinced myself & him that everything was fine. Now the timing is so much worse, and I can't seem to beleive that anymore. I feel completely awful, guilt-ridden, full of dread, & I think I have valid reasons to believe both his safety & maybe my own might be at stake if I broke up with him, especially now. He's had a violent history & friends of his have told me before that if I ever left I should cut all ties, totally move, basically go into hiding--I feel so overwhelmed by that prospect, I'm not sure if I could pull that off logistically right now. I love & care about him, and don't know if I could face the guilt if he did something to himself. & I know at very LEAST this will probably have a horrible impact on his life, at what seems like a crucial time for him--he's close to finishing his degree, beginning learning to cope with his issues, etc. I guess my instincts are to stick it out awhile longer until things seem more stable, make preparations secretly to bolt, but if I'm honest with myself I've felt like that for awhile. This also is making me feel just awful though, like I'm living a lie, betraying him every minute, it's triggered some hard-core depression & is definitely taking a toll on me. We've been together so long and the more I think about leaving, the more impossible it seems--but I don't know how I can keep living this way either!
any insights? I really don't know what to do.

posted by anonymous to human relations (32 comments total)

my heart goes out to you, anon, it really does -- you're in a truly agonizing situation. I think it's clear that the only question here is not if you end the relationship, but simply when and how. Given the threats of suicide and violence on his part, I think it's especially important that you tread carefully -- definitely have an action plan in place once you break it off: have all your financial ducks in a row, give relevant friends/family/coworkers a heads-up ahead of time that this is happening, have new cell phone/email accounts in place, and of course have a secure place to stay lined up. You may want to consider self-defense, too -- don't go out and buy a gun unless you're already trained in firearm use/safety, of course, but you may want to look around for some basic women's safety courses at places like the YMCA, etc.

I also think that as you start to prepare your plan, you need to seek out therapy for yourself -- the depression and fear and dread and anger and everything else you're feeling are very real and have taken a very real toll on you. A therapist can help you map out a step-by-step strategy to address the specifics of the situation with your SO while also helping you to take care of yourself emotionally -- something that's absolutely crucial right now. Also, a therapist would likely have good info on local resources for self-defense, etc.

Leaving and starting your life anew may indeed be difficult, but I promise you it's not impossible. I wish you all the very, very best. Email's in profile if you'd like to be in touch.
posted by scody at 7:46 PM on February 26, 2006

oops, part of that sentence got cut off whilst editing -- I meant to say: Leaving and starting your life anew may indeed be difficult, but I promise you it's not impossible -- it's unlikely to happen immediately, and may even take many months until the situation is stabilized enough for it to be a safe prospect, but your future really can be different.
posted by scody at 7:50 PM on February 26, 2006

Does he have a reliable network of family or friends in place? Anyone who can come in to watch after him, once you leave?

My thought, reading your description of your SO, is that there will never be a good time to leave him. Whenever you leave, it will trigger the crisis and the trauma you fear. You shouldn't be held hostage by that prospect any longer.

My recommendation is that you ask around and find a really good psychologist who can advise you on this situation. This is a situation that demands professional advice.
posted by jayder at 8:07 PM on February 26, 2006

Another thing I meant to say (sorry to triple-post!) about leaving this relationship is that one of my best friends ended her 14-year-marriage a couple of years ago under circumstances extremely similar to this one. For her, the turning point was that she literally woke up one morning and realized that she wasn't responsible for her SO's happiness or mental health -- he was. Likewise, even though your SO has genuine mental health issues (with which I genuinely sympathize), the fact is that he's an adult, not a child -- and you were not put on this earth to sacrifice your own life, happiness, and well-being for his sake.

This doesn't mean that you don't love him, don't care for him, don't support him in his struggle with his illness, etc. But your love, caring, and support can not fix him (for want of a better term), nor are they being given in a relationship in which you receive back even a comparable measure of love, caring, and support. This is a relationship in which your most basic needs are not being met, nor appear to have the potential to be met in the future. It doesn't make him the villain for not being able to meet your needs, and equally it doesn't make you the villain for wanting to live a life in which your needs aren't constantly sacrificed and your own fundamental sense of self isn't destroyed.
posted by scody at 8:11 PM on February 26, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

You don't really expect anyone here to tell you not to break up with him, right?

It would be nice to know which years those eight where. Were you high school sweethearts? Did you fall in love in your 20s? 30s?

You said he might be bipolar, is he on any medication? The reason I ask is that a friend of mine just started taking anti-depressants and OMG the change was incredible. It really is like a totally different (and much more fun) person got plopped down in his body with his memories. A little unnerving, actually.

If he's interested in trying medication, and isn't at the moment you could try to see if things work out.

But obviously the best course of action is for you to dump him. You could wait a month or two for him to get back on his feet after this 'triple whammy' but set a date and stick too it. Work on setting things up so that it will be easy for you to leave at the right time.

Anyway, good luck.
posted by delmoi at 8:36 PM on February 26, 2006

there will never be a good time to leave him. Whenever you leave, it will trigger the crisis and the trauma you fear. You shouldn't be held hostage by that prospect any longer.

I think that is a very good way of summing it up. You should not wait. Just rip the band-aid off in one quick motion and start the healing process for both of you. Neither of you are really going to benefit from keeping the illusion of a relationship. And it won't truly be a relationship if you feel you're there out of some sense of sacrifice or pity or whatever it is that keeps you when you know you don't want to. He's got a therapist now, that is not your job.
posted by Rhomboid at 8:39 PM on February 26, 2006 [1 favorite has favorites]

Yes, I believe you should leave. You might want to contact his therapist and let them know that you are planning to move on so that they are aware and can take appropriate action regarding your SO. Realistically, you have no responsibility for him at all. You can't live his life for him and it has gotten to the point that you aren't living your life for yourself either.

If it seems credible that he might do something to you, there are many shelters and other avenues that can be a short term solution to housing. Look into that. You may also need to consider changing jobs, etc. This is a big move and don't let the fact that it seems tough and overwhelming keep you in a very negative relationship.

I must repeat that you have no responsibility for your SO. You've done more than enough to support him and you should carry no guilt about doing what is best for yourself. Of course you will still feel guilty, as you are a caring person. But think of the advice you would give someone else in the same position. Move on as soon as you safely can. Start getting things in order now.

When you are extricated you can decide later how you want to handle contact with him. For now, move on and cut yourself loose. You will get an amazing amount of perspective once you are outside of the situation.

I wish you the best and hope you take the advice of this not being your responsibility to heart. It's not. You are doing the better thing for both of you by moving out
posted by qwip at 8:39 PM on February 26, 2006

From reading your posting, I agree with others that this is a matter of when, not if. It may go easier for your thought processes if you set a date -- say three months out -- when you are ready to make the cut.

When you do, make it clean and don't look back. You are, to be brutally frank, not that important to the process he is currently going through. If he's headed for suicide, he will commit it with you or without you.

But now I'm just exhausted, & less naive about things getting better eventually, & despite my efforts not to, have built up resentment for the sacrifices.

You're doing well. I was exhausted and resentful by the 6 year mark, but it took me another 4 years get less naive.

Just to give you an idea of what's to come if you leave:

First there will be grief and upset as you change your life. That will be big for a few months.

Then one day there will come a feeling when you realize that all of the muscles that had gotten progressively more tense over the N years of your relationship are starting to relax. This is a good time to have massages if you can afford them.

You will probably be distracted and somewhat clumsy the first year. The only two car accidents I've had in my life (both bumped walls in parking garages) were in the year after I split with my longterm S.O. This was offset by the fact that absolutely everything about my life was more pleasant and, best of all, _easier_, because I wasn't intimately tied to a person in the throes of depression.

After a year or so, your friends will be telling you it's time to get back into the game. Ignore them.

After two years have passed, you might feel like dipping your feet back in.
posted by tkolar at 8:47 PM on February 26, 2006

You may consider counseling for yourself. And yes, it is manipulative of him to threaten suicide if you leave. He can't hold you hostage.

Recognizing that is step one. Leaving is step two.

Is there any way to extricate myself from this horrible situation without massive trauma for both of us?

I'm afraid not. You're in an unhealthy relationship with an unhealthy person. Ending it is going to cause significant amounts of pain for you both. Hanging on will not be any more helpful, though, not for either one of you.

Again, I'd recommend talking to a counselor, but my personal experience (and I am not a doctor or counselor or anything other than just a regular guy, so take this with a shakerful of salt) is that those who preemptively threaten suicide are acting out, using suicide as a way to jockey for some semblance of security or perhaps make an audible cry for help. Usually (again, this is limited to my own personal experience) those who are serious about it don't telegraph the fact beforehand. So on the face of it, I have doubt that his threats are credible.

Regardless, your life is your own and you should not spend it held hostage to someone you have no desire to be with.

Seriously, talk to an expert on this and ask about the best way to go about ending it.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:55 PM on February 26, 2006

Just get out NOW. Get away from this guy and don't let him mess with you any longer. Don't waste time worrying when or how to do it.
posted by dagnyscott at 9:03 PM on February 26, 2006

Leave immediately. If you have any reason to think he might do you harm, contact the police and tell them the whole story. They should take you seriously. If they don't, call a lawyer if you can, or a local domestic violence hotline.

If you need to, get a restraining order against the guy, and get as far away from him as possible. You are absolutely not responsible for anything he does as a result of your leaving him. You are only responsible for your own actions.

His threats to commit suicide are nothing more than a way to control you. Listen to the inner voice, and flee. Now.

I wish you the best of luck.
posted by cerebus19 at 9:14 PM on February 26, 2006

Everyone seems to agree that it's a question of when, not if. Good. Then I'll disagree.

I think I want out...

Be sure. Be damn sure. Y'know that platitude about, "You can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself." Well, the reverse is true, too: If you're not happy, ending your relationship won't magically cure you any more than jumping into one would.

If you read through similar threads on AskMe, the vast majority attract a slew of responses chanting, "Dump the loser," or "Kick 'im to the curb, girlfriend." People online seem eager to encourage others to end relationships. Without speculating as to why, I'd suggest you check similar threads for yourself to see whether you agree with that assessment — and if you do, judge replies here accordingly.

If the relationship isn't going to work for you, then leave. Don't be held hostage by your mate's instability. As others have said, it's only a question of "bad now" or "bad later," so you may as well act now and give both parties the gift of not wasting another X days/months/years.

But eight years...? If you're unhappy, it may not necessarily be the relationship; and if it is, the problem may not necessarily be impossible to solve. If you need to walk away then so be it, but be sure. Be damn sure.
posted by cribcage at 9:25 PM on February 26, 2006

I've been there for him & things are starting to look up, he's in therapy finally & starting to get back on his feet. But still financially & emotionally dependant in a lot of ways. & horribly, for some reason the nagging 'flee!!' voice in my head has reached an overwhelming level--it's tearing me apart.

It seems that there is a possibility that your own security in the relationship is attached to his troubles, and now when he is getting it together you're panicking. Perhaps you should investigate your own motives and interests in this relationship and have an honest talk with him, and create a situation that may be painful but is not completely destructive for either of you.
posted by semmi at 9:28 PM on February 26, 2006

The person you are describing (in my case, my ex wife) actually left me (for another man), and what others are saying about the muscles relaxing etc. is absolutely true. I felt/feel free.
posted by Quartermass at 9:38 PM on February 26, 2006

"e's threatened suicide in the past if I left--which I realize is very emotionally manipulative, but something I have reason to take seriously."

You should absolutely take this seriously, and not keep it to yourself. For the most part, people threatening suicide are seriously contemplating it, and even those who make manipulative attempts sometimes inadvertently succeed. If it occurs again, take immediate action.

I strenuously agree with those who recommended you contact his therapist if it occurs again. Counseling could be beneficial for you in sorting out your feelings and responsibilities. Another option is contacting a suicide hotline for advice.
posted by Manjusri at 10:51 PM on February 26, 2006

Please get in touch with a domestic violence hotline. I don't know if you're in the states, but here it's: 1-800-799-SAFE ndvh.org.

Be well.
posted by brujita at 11:05 PM on February 26, 2006

I would say your decision would be base don two things: Firstly, does his depression look to be temporary or long-term, and, secondly, how badly do you want out of the relationship?

If the answer is "long-term" or "very badly," go ahead and end it now. But if you think his depression -- although chronic -- may be less intenseonce this particularly dreadful period is over, and if you can stomach remaining in the relationship, even if it's less than ideal, I say wait it out. Set a reasonable deadline, after which you will make a firmer decision.

It's a sacrifice, yes, but one that might be worth making, if it will keep from compounding an already miserable decision. Ultimately, the relationship may be doomed, and so be it, but there's no crime in picking the time when the ending will be most endurable.

That being said, if there's any chance that his threats of suicide are meant to bully you out of making such a decision, ignore my advice.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:18 PM on February 26, 2006

And let me add that I am very sorry to hear about your circumstance. All my best to you.
posted by Astro Zombie at 11:19 PM on February 26, 2006

If you read through similar threads on AskMe, the vast majority attract a slew of responses chanting, "Dump the loser," or "Kick 'im to the curb, girlfriend." People online seem eager to encourage others to end relationships.

Those threads only show up when people want support for dumping someone. That's why they're posted.
posted by delmoi at 12:10 AM on February 27, 2006

cribcage wrote...

If you read through similar threads on AskMe, the vast majority attract a slew of responses chanting, "Dump the loser," or "Kick 'im to the curb, girlfriend." People online seem eager to encourage others to end relationships. Without speculating as to why, I'd suggest you check similar threads for yourself to see whether you agree with that assessment — and if you do, judge replies here accordingly.

I actually kinda agree with this suggestion. Reading through the questions that other people have asked about their abusive/emotionally manipulative/mentally ill SOs, and considering what advice you would give to them.

You'll have to poke through the results a bit, but here is a good place to start.
posted by tkolar at 12:58 AM on February 27, 2006

It's really a horrible dilemma to be in, but the overriding rule for nearly every situation like this is, for sure, leave. As soon as possible. The sooner the better -- propping him up will make things worse in the long run.

Your friends & family should and I'm sure will help you out -- people will understand. You've definitely put in all the time that any reasonable person would expect to in this situation, and then some.

I disagree with people who say that you should even consider waiting it out -- you have, already. There's always the future, if he makes a serious recovery and things are well and good. Your presence encourages him to be dependent, and that dependency will only increase as time goes.

If he's telling you that you need to cut off ties, move away, and 'go into hiding' -- that is threatening you, and there are people who can help you out and protect you, as people have mentioned... That might not be necessary right away, though. Pick one (or two, etc) of your most stable, good friends or family and tell them the situation. Tell them you need to get out.

I hope you'll be alright.
posted by blacklite at 3:13 AM on February 27, 2006

As a bipolar person myself-one who has been suicidal as well-let me assure you that if he did kill himself it would be HIS RESPONSIBILITY and choice not yours. On a practical level, if he threatens suicide again call 911. This is considered a psychiatric emergency, and if memory serves he can be held and evaluated for 72 hours. (Assuming he doesn't persuade them he was kidding, in which case, oh heck yes, manipulation.)

And take his friends' warnings seriously. If he is bipolar his impulsivity (it goes with the territory) could be very dangerous. I don't want to scare you but just recently a bipolar man came in to work and shot a woman he had been having an affair with-she was breaking it off. I certainly hope your SO is not the type to do such a thing but better safe than sorry. (And again, I don't blame the bipolar-I blame the man. )

If there is a shred of hope for the relationship you could always tell him a condition for your working things out would be him getting evaluated and on meds. But that is up to you. If you want out, you want out.
posted by konolia at 4:48 AM on February 27, 2006

I disagree with cribcage, your question is quite clear about the troubles in your relationship, the length of time that you've sacrificed to trying to make it ok, and the toll that it's all taking on you. If what you're describing is true, you're completely justified in leaving and making a better life for yourself. I say this as someone who generally believes that it's better to try to make it work than to cut and run at the earliest opportunity.

I would certainly be concerned about the suicide threats, many people just mean to "cry for help" and then inadvertently succeed in killing themselves. This is a well understood aspect of suicide assessment, where impulsivity and opportunity are weighed more heavily than anything as nebulous as genuine desire. I would make a call as you are leaving to parents or friends of his to let them know that you are leaving and that your ex-SO needs looking after.

I'd point out something from your post that jumped out at me: his threat of suicide. You will, of course, make your own decision about leaving, but it's worth considering that feeling suicidal does not authorize using that suicidality as emotional manipulation within the relationship. It's one thing to say, "Baby, I feel horrible today, I'm even having suicidal thoughts." It's quite another, and pure manipulation, even if true, to tie a threat of suicide to your presence or absence. It turns the issue from depression to control, with you as the object of control. The single thing most explanatory of your trapped feelings in your post would seem to be that kind of manipulation.
posted by OmieWise at 6:24 AM on February 27, 2006

His threats to commit suicide are nothing more than a way to control you.

The threats definitely are manipulative, but who can say whether or not there's "nothing more" to them? I know of two women who left suicide-threatening boyfriends and, immediately afterwards, both boyfriends DID kill themselves.

Which is NOT to say I think you should stay in the relationship. I don't. Nor am I in any way implying that, if he does wind up killing himself, you would be at fault. You wouldn't be.

But if he says he'll kill himself, you should take that seriously. Are you equipped to cope if he does? Make sure that YOUR support-system is in place BEFORE you leave him. Tell your family/best-friend/therapist (I highly recommend you enter therapy!) that you're ABOUT to leave a suicidal man who has specifically threatened suicide if you leave him.

I also don't think you should have to stand by and listen to him threaten suicide. Next time he does so, ask him, "Are you seriously feeling suicidal?" If he says yes, then tell him he needs to check himself into a psych ward NOW. If he won't, then tell him that you're sorry, but you're not trained to handle a suicidal person -- so he either needs to stop burdening you with these thoughts or to seek professional help.

My thoughts are with you!
posted by grumblebee at 6:52 AM on February 27, 2006

I might consider letting him down easy...

Tell him you need to take a break in the relationship, that you're worn out. Take that break - say three months. If you still feel the way you do - end it. It's not like he won't see it coming this way. Talk to him before you leave, and if you feel he is a risk, contact his therapist.
posted by xammerboy at 7:35 AM on February 27, 2006

I don't think it's a bad rule of thumb to say that if you're scared of the consequences of leaving someone, you shouldn't stay with them.
posted by crabintheocean at 7:50 AM on February 27, 2006

Run and don't look back, because something could be gaining on ya, as Satchel Paige said. Life is short and there are so many better things you could be doing with it, like being happy and not being subjected to someone's horrifying madness. Love is hard but it doesn't have to be like this.
posted by johngoren at 9:53 AM on February 27, 2006

"I've spent so much time focusing on him that I don't know who I am anymore" and "making me feel just awful though....triggered some hard-core depression...the more I think about leaving, the more impossible it seems."

Oh wow. This relationship sounds really hard on you, anonymous.

I spent two years getting into an increasingly manipulative relationship, and two more years getting the will to leave. It's a long process. Here's what helped me:

-- I started monitoring how happy and strong I felt and doing things that made me feel happier and stronger, like exercising, looking nice, spending time with good people, going to parties even...

-- Ever heard the phrase "the hand teaches the heart" (aka "fake it till you make it")? I knew in my head his moods weren't my responsibility, that I should just make myself happy. But I didn't internalize this idea until I started physically putting my own happiness first. When I saw myself teetering out of a happy mood or getting pulled into the muck, I would find a way to politely walk away. It felt absurd, (e.g., getting out of a car mid-fight and taking myself to a movie), but it only took a few times.

-- For me, it was illuminating to read (non-fluff) about codependence (apologies for the Christian bent of that link, chosen for its thoroughness).

And the suicide risk? Let others keep him from killing himself. Sounds like you have plenty to worry about already. Worst case, the therapist can get him put on 24-hour suicide watch at a hospital. A friend of mine left two people threatening suicide -- calling their friends or therapists as she left -- and neither did.

Good luck. Email me if you want to talk.
posted by salvia at 11:38 AM on February 27, 2006

His threats to commit suicide are nothing more than a way to control you.

Unless it's his way to reassure you because you require reassurance, as your posting would indicate. No relationship exist in a vacuum, it's been built by both of you during the 8 years you were together.

It's hard to imagine what you expect from a posting like this, offering a one dimensional side of a story, other than attention. In any case, if the matter is as serious as you say, you could do better with professional help than with the fluff you inevitably get here.
posted by semmi at 12:11 PM on February 27, 2006

Two other small comments:

still financially & emotionally dependant in a lot of ways

Just because he can't stand on his own, why should you be the crutch? It's counterproductive even for him, right?

I know at very LEAST this will probably have a horrible impact on his life, at what seems like a crucial time for him

In my bad relationship, things were always either on the verge of getting better or else in a crisis that I thought needed my help.

I wouldn't worry about the timing's effect on him. You've probably already helped him so much in pursuing his goals. You've probably done more than your share, and now that you're feeling "complete, trapped panic," shouldn't you focus on what you need?
posted by salvia at 12:39 PM on February 27, 2006

Anon...
I am right in the middle of exactly the same situation. I had to take my teen daughter and move out several months ago. My soon-to-be- ex wife and I are in divorce proceesings.

There is NO easy way to do it. But I guess it's better after 8 years, than waiting until after 20 years, like I did.

I would be happy to share my experience with you if it would be helpful. Just e-mail me at the address in my profile. (It's more than I want to post here, but I don't mind sharing with someone whom it could help.)

I feel for you. From someone who knows, you are in a truly sucky, difficult situation. I wish you the best.
posted by The Deej at 7:04 PM on February 27, 2006

Your relationship is in crisis. Is this really the best time to decide whether to end it? After all something has kept you together for a good part of the eight years. The guy you liked once may still be in there somewhere. And he may be no happier with the current situation than you are, while not having a clue what to do about it except be manipulative.

You can achieve much by moving out, agreeing to meet for conversation or therapy, and making it clear that you need and expect big changes. Within a pretty short time if the guy is at all perceptive he'll work out that any attempts at manipulation are doing his cause no good whatsoever. If he doesn't then dump him.
posted by thayerg at 11:47 PM on March 1, 2006