How do you stay motivated in a job search when your job is exhausting?
April 30, 2019 6:08 AM   Subscribe

I'm a project manager at a software company. About a year ago I started working at a company that had a great reputation; the work lined up for my position sounded really interesting, the compensation was fair, the work-life balanced promised to be very good. Instead it's been an exhausting deathmarch and the promised room for advancement has vanished in a reorg. In theory I should be search for a new job. In practice, I come home every day ready to collapse. How do you maintain the energy to do an effective job search when the job you're trying to escape is a huge drain?

The hours expectations are actually quite reasonable - Nobody expects me here before 9, nobody (here) cares if I go home at 5 (Our clients are another matter). But every single day is emotionally draining; my client is insanely demanding and constantly angry; my team is miserable and demotivated and sniping at one another. Everybody at the company agrees that this is atypical and really a shame but nobody with any power seems inclined or capable to actually fix anything. My boss expresses a lot of sympathy but otherwise has basically given up and left me to my own devices. So basically I do whatever I can from 9 to 5, leave with a longer to-do list than I started with, then go home and desperately try to stop obsessing about how awful the next day will be.

I can just about make it from one day to the next, but I absolutely don't have the energy to work my network, send out resumes, be chipper and positive with recruiters, sell myself on interviews, etc. I've already tried once, and it was a disaster because I was so obviously burnt out.

I've already taken a (short) vacation to try to reset and get my groove back. It failed miserably, and I couldn't stop stressing about how shitty my client was going to be when I got back.

I have a fair amount of schedule flexibility to go take off a morning or afternoon as-needed to actually do interviews. If I could adjust my personal emotional state at will, I could absolutely execute a job search. I just have nothing resembling the energy or motivation to actually do it, certainly not without coming off really negatively.

I know I'm not the first person to be in this kind of position, though. So: How do you do it? How do you 'trick' yourself into actually putting the work in when you just want to curl up and cry every day at 5pm? This is something I'm honestly unused to; I'm normally really positive and energetic and excited about my career, and this level of burnout and energy drain has me totally at a loss.

A couple of pieces of potentially relevant context:
* I've already exhausted the (limited) possibilities for staying at the company and getting replaced on this project.
* I live & work in a major city where my skills are in demand enough that I shouldn't have too hard of a time finding something, but it realistically might take a few months to find a decent fit. For family reasons relocation is off the table.
* I absolutely cannot afford to quit and take time off without having something else lined up. I'm saving up to get to that point but it's still a long ways off.
posted by anonymous to Work & Money (21 answers total) 27 users marked this as a favorite
 
Do your written job search activities in the morning. Schedule as many networking and interview activities on Monday morning (coffee/lunch).

But mostly you need, paradoxically, to fill your soul with non-work you. Are you a parent? If so I have different advice. But if you are not, leave at five and do something, anything, physical and nature related - walk, run, bike, swim, yoga. Every day. You need to de-adrenalize before then doing something you love (cook, read, knit, game, build, etc.) once or twice a week, bonus if it is with friends. If you have kids update!
posted by warriorqueen at 6:18 AM on April 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


If your work hours aren't closing in on you, then what has worked for me is finding something that renews my energy (or spirit, even sometimes) because I love it. For me, it's theater, but it can be almost anything that you can do that won't suck more energy out of you. Maybe it's music, or exercise, or sports, or family, or ... I think you get where I'm going.

Also, I have found that re-casting the Horrible Workplace as sort of a very dark sitcom that I can regale my friends and family with can do a lot of good in realizing that it only really feels hopeless without any distance. It's so easy (and crushing) to be in the weeds of a bad job, but knowing that it's not a permanent thing, especially if you're able to muster a few applications per week, can help to make Awful Client Who Yells into Supporting Character In Cringe Funny Stories, sometimes.
posted by xingcat at 6:31 AM on April 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


Your client will be angry no matter what you do. There is no magic phrase, deliverable, strategy, etc., that will not make them angry, so put them aside in your mind.

I have been job searching for a year and it has been really demoralizing at times. What's worked for me is a daily meditation and gratitude practice and making time for myself outside of work/job searching.

And a weekly scheduled time for job stuff. Find a few hours during the week or weekend that work for you and that is your scheduled time for job stuff. For me, it's Sundays from 1pm to 5pm. I aim to get three job applications in but sometimes the roles are so similar that I do 4+.

You're probably thinking, that sounds so easy, but I can't do that because of X valid reason or Y valid reason. I thought that way too. I futzed around for 6 months because I was working 60 hour weeks (and I'm so tired, my laundry isn't done, just one more episode and then I'll get started). But I'm putting in the work now and finally getting interviews, and I have to tell you, it feels so good. The job searching and applying work is so, so worth it. Keep your goals in mind and just get started.

Good luck to you!
posted by pumpkinlatte at 6:32 AM on April 30, 2019 [10 favorites]


Is there no way you can sack that client? The company would clearly be better off providing services to somebody else who isn't actively attempting to burn its employees to the ground.
posted by flabdablet at 6:40 AM on April 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Mod note: From the OP:
1) I don't have kids, but I do have a generally supportive partner.
2) Answers along the lines of "Get your company to fire the awful client" are not helpful. Please believe me when I say I've more than done my homework regarding improving the current situation. This is about successfully leaving, not making the awful job better. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 7:01 AM on April 30, 2019


If you’re in a major city, I recommend meetups. Go for the free pizza, product demos, and light networking. If your company uses any open source products, see if you can work up a 20-40 minute talk about what you’re working on. Shop it around to meetup organizers who are often desperate for speakers. Keep in contact with people you strike up conversations with at meetups. Drop them a line when you see a new meetup that you think would interest them. Ask how things are going on their offices.

Watch YouTube videos of talks related to projects you want to join. Think about the qualities of your favorite client(s) and explore ways to get an in house gig there. Compare those qualities to the broader facts about the client you don’t feel valued by. Steer clear of that type of organization.

Start a blog. Review products you use, compare products you’ve considered (GUI, time management things, ticket trackers,) etc, write a post or two about motivating your team and managing client expectations. Write 500 words a week about the job you want and the PM role you aspire to have, as though in your mind you’re in it.

Tell your extended tech network that you’re interested in looking at a transition. Visit the sites of folks who have looked at you via LinkedIn.

Check out the Two Hour Job Search (maybe it’s four hour?) and follow the instructions exactly. Do one step each week. Find the people who are vaguely connected to you who might provide an introduction. Have a set of current material to show off when you start getting nibbles.
posted by bilabial at 7:41 AM on April 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


The way most of the recruiting works right now seems to be twofold: private messages on LinkedIn and emails, very occasionally phone calls. Set yourself a window 2-3 times during the day to "go for a walk" and respond to these on your phone.

Every morning before work just go touch your resume on LinkedIn, Indeed, and if you have another industry place you put it do it there too, so it's got a fresh timestamp. Reply to any emails, confirm appointments for phone interviews/reviews during your walk windows.

That's really it, you just tell them you're only available at X, Y, or Z time and let them figure it out. I find they are generally prepared to be really flexible because they know people have jobs.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:54 AM on April 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Ugh, so sorry. This was me 4 years ago. My last job was soul-sucking to the nth degree. I would get home physically, emotionally and psychologically exhausted every damn day. It was a relentlessly toxic work environment. The thought of then getting onto a computer for the soul-crushing experience of job searching was, well, just too much for me M-F.

I spent about four hours every Sunday afternoon dedicated to job searching. I averaged about 5 resume/applications each Sunday. It took me about 4 months, 170 resumes sent out, about 25 first interviews, 10 2nd interviews and 2 3rd interviews that landed me what I believe karmically was my reward in a fantastic position now.

I made myself a deal that I wouldn't stress it during the week but treated it like an ultra-part-time job on Sundays to scour the job boards and not spend all Sunday on it. Some days were more productive than others.

You can do this. it seems like you have flexibility to intervew during the week, so leave that time for interviews (which can be exciting knowing someone wants to see you!) and leave the applying for weekends. It's going to suck for a while, but believe in the karmic payoff.
posted by archimago at 8:09 AM on April 30, 2019 [7 favorites]


Oof. This is so hard. Give yourself every kindness. Some people derive a lot of self-worth and fulfillment from their professional lives, and some people punch-out and go live their “actual” lives after 5pm. Sounds like you’re the former, since you say you’re usually excited about your career and this is stressing you out so much. You need to develop strategies to live like the After Work Crew until you can get the hell out. It won’t feel natural, but it’s only temporary and will leave you with energy outside of work to use on your job search.

Make hamburgers: Cooks on a diner line sling hamburgers all day. They grill patties, plop on cheese, and throw on toppings. They do NOT think about every hamburger because their brain would collapse. You need to make hamburgers. Go on auto-pilot as much as you can. Some tasks can’t magically be brainless, but reduce active thought where you can. Deploy conscious attention strategically.

Care less about the result: Do less work! Do less in a day. Do things less well. For someone like you who super cares about their job, this is really difficult. But screw your awful job, and screw your miserable jerk of a client. Doing 20% less or doing your work 20% less well will NOT get you fired, will NOT jeopardize your chance of getting a great new job and will NOT change the support of your references. Devote the LEAST amount of effort possible to accomplish your work, and be worse at your job (temporarily)!

It’s not personal: If you didn’t take your miserable job so personally, it wouldn’t drain you as much. Is that client being ridiculous to you? Sure! Is your boss unsupportive and unhelpful? Yep! But these things have NOTHING to do with your self-worth, your value, your sparkling skills and tremendous energy you will bring to your next role. Your replacement will be in this exact same position (shudder) because the problem lies with the job, not with you. So don’t allow it to drain you so much. You’re a project manager? You’re a problem solver! But this is one problem you can’t mitigate. Working harder or smarter won’t make this job less awful.

Create a post-work ritual: At 5pm, do the same thing every day on your way home. Listen to your best pump-up song or wind-down music. Repeat the same mantra (“The day is over. Fuck that place. I will not think about work until tomorrow. My job is not me. My path is longer and brighter than that miserable hell hole.”) Make intentional space between your work and the rest of your day. Then, make your brain stop thinking about work. Everytime work pops up in your head go “hey silly brain, not now. We can think about this tomorrow at 9am.” And then keep redirecting your thoughts.

Can you and your partner find room in your budget to make life a little easier? Can you get a housecleaner in once a week, or do take-out once a week, or get you a massage? Make your life a little more indulgent and reduce administrative tasks to free up more time. If you have vacation time for interviews, do you have time for job-hunting, too? Can you take a half day to work on your resume or meet someone for networking, etc? If you have vacation time, use it. Finally, this isn’t forever. You got this.
posted by missmary6 at 8:13 AM on April 30, 2019 [13 favorites]


I am in an analogous situation, and have been for three YEARS.

It's really, really emotionally difficult. You just have to find ways to force yourself to do it. Get your friends to help cheer you on for tasks like writing cover letters.

Since your job is Sisyphean anyway, don't work so hard at it. Lower your standards for "good enough." Carve out some extra time to do some job search stuff during your workday, and even get some petty satisfaction out of taking care of yourself on company time. Is this the most morally upstanding position to take? Eh, no. But you do not owe your employer your soul, just because they pay you.
posted by desuetude at 8:29 AM on April 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


I hear you! I have a pretty decent job I like right now, but I"ll need to move on relatively soon - when I think about doing a job search, just the *idea* of it is overwhelming...

What I remember about my last job search (done while not employed) was that breaking it up into manageable bites made it easier to do. So maybe think about the steps, what you could do in 30 minute chunks maybe 2 times a week? Like on Tuesdays and Thursdays, you have to a) identify 3 jobs you would apply to and b) draft one cover letter. If you have schedule flexibility, use that to do some bits and pieces of job searching. Start small, and as you move forward, increase the time committed, when it feels manageable to do so.

Your job sounds awful, but also sounds like you can be in it for awhile - so their is on rush looming over your head.

I also bet that, if you can just start taking very small steps toward leaving, you might feel able to handle the stress/anxiety more easily.
posted by RajahKing at 8:40 AM on April 30, 2019


Schedule a conference room or some time to go on a coffee break, and do the work you need to find work at work. This way it becomes a part of your routine. It can help to find a comrade in arms, too. Schedule time with a friend that's also interested in looking, and you can look together at a coffee shop. At the least, don't look for jobs from home. Go to the library or somewhere where you're forced to buckle down.
posted by xammerboy at 8:56 AM on April 30, 2019


I was in a similar situation not that long ago and it's really, really rough. It took me over 18 months to find a new job. What added an additional layer of difficulty was that my overall mood was so dark and grim and so every single job posting I read just looked like more of the same old tired bullshit and I just could not work up a drop of enthusiasm for any of it.

I tried to automate as much of it as possible. Yeah, it's not a terribly effective method, to be sure, but it broke through the initial ennui: I set up alerts on all the job sites and had the results emailed to me so I could just scan down a list each day, open whatever ones looked interesting, get ideas for similar titles, be alerted to new companies I hadn't heard of, paid attention to the postings that DID spark my interest even a little bit and refined my alerts based on that, etc. That way I felt like I was at least making SOME forward motion and was engaging with the process even on nights where I felt completely beat to hell. Then on days when I had more energy, I would do further research, send emails out to my contacts, go to networking events, and so on.

If you haven't already brushed up your resume and cover letter, I'd recommend working with a resume writing service or career coach to do so. It'll be a couple hundred dollars but it removes another massive barrier to entry and that way I didn't lose any momentum to actually apply because I had all my documents basically ready to go. They'll give you back a version you can easily customize to different openings, or you can send them some possible job postings and they'll do keyword optimization for you. They can even brush up your LinkedIn, too, so everything looks nice and consistent and up-to-date.

Good luck!
posted by anderjen at 9:17 AM on April 30, 2019 [2 favorites]


Can you rearrange your work schedule to work four 10-hour days? Or could you take off a number of Fridays in a row? I think sometimes it takes one day to detox, and one day to do chores, so having a three day weekend would let you have one day per week to ramp up your job search while you're getting your resume updated and getting a few cover letter templates written.
posted by salvia at 10:39 AM on April 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


If nothing else update your LinkedIn profile and set your status to "looking for opportunities" or whatever (don't worry, only recruiters see this).

If you're in IT, in a major city, recruiters will start approaching you, promise, that's all it takes. Do put some time in on the profile however, make it decent.

Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 1:52 PM on April 30, 2019 [1 favorite]


I was once in a very similar position. I opted for early retirement. Which, unfortunately, doesn’t sound like an option for you. BUT - it seems like you’re planning for the future, and that is a good thing.

I wish I had something more concrete to offer than this: I’ll bet you $1.00USD that you’re not the only person in your team who’s considering a new job. All kinds of gedankenquestions with that: What happens when one or more key employees leave the company? What happens when *you* leave? What would be the consequences if your boss notices you’re looking for a new job?

Also: can you call in any favors from people at other companies? When I think back, it seems like *most* of the successful job-changes I know of happened because they had a contact at the new company.

I guess I’m a morally suspect kind of person, because I *totally* agree with desuetude above.

This really seems like a question for askamanager.org
posted by doctor tough love at 3:04 PM on April 30, 2019


Let recruiters do some of the legwork for you.

Get a list of ~5 recruiting agencies in your city. Browse their list of jobs. Send in an application for one; if you are a good match then you'll get a call from a recruiter to discuss. Once you have them on the phone, describe what typea of roles you are looking for and tell them you are very motivated to switch jobs. Hopefully that puts you at the top of their pile of applicants they present to any orgs that are hiring.

Not all recruiters are created equal, so some you have to hound, and some will keep you posted on new roles that come up. But browsing a recruiter's job site is much easier to do than looking at all the jobs on LinkedIn or Glassdoor, plus applying is easier: "Hi recruiter, I'm interested in job X on your site, could we chat on the phone to discuss?" You already have a relationship, and they will apply for you so no need to worry about writing the perfect cover letter or whatever.

+1 to making sure that your LinkedIn says you're open to opportunities. That alone will make recruiters find you and approach you for jobs! That's how I landed my current role.
posted by tinydancer at 3:19 PM on April 30, 2019 [4 favorites]


I was in exactly your position. Now I’m two and a half weeks into my new job.

What worked for me was working with a recruiter - one who came highly recommended by a friend, who understood the industry, who could do the legwork for me. Working with him effectively forced me to make time for interviews and follow-ups, even when I really didn’t want to.

Here’s the thing - I didn’t end up at a job that he found for me. Once I figured out how to make time for his stuff, I found time to start scanning the Indeed app once or twice a week. Then I found time to apply - one app a week, for any job I’d bookmarked. And hey, here I am, at a new job.

I’m going to recommend *against* the LinkedIn flagging - I found that it created a LOT of noise that I had to sort through. But for me at least, the recruiter made all the difference.

Good luck!
posted by okayokayigive at 4:24 PM on April 30, 2019


I've been in this situation too. I found that my biggest challenge was trying to write cover letters in the evenings after work. Because who wants to come home from a mentally demanding day at the office to fire up your word processor and craft a customized cover letter?

What worked well for me was to create a routine in which I did easy job searching tasks on weekday evenings, followed by the actual work of tailoring my resume, writing cover letters, and filling out any tedious forms on the weekend. So, M-F I just looked for jobs using key search terms on Indeed and/or LinkedIn and emailed myself any that looked interesting. All emails with job postings went in a separate "Jobs" folder in my email account. I also kept a spreadsheet of job boards that are relevant to my field or companies that I'm specifically interested in working for. In addition to looking on Indeed/LinkedIn, I also reviewed these sources once per week (Friday nights worked well for me so I could see everything posted during the week, but you could pick whatever weekday works best for you). On Friday night or Saturday morning, I looked at all the jobs I found during the week, and picked anywhere from 1-3 that I'd actually apply for over the weekend.

For me, it really helped to carefully review the jobs I emailed myself during the week, and prioritize the top 1-3 that seemed like the best match or for which I was the most excited about. I would be overwhelmed if I tried to apply for every job that remotely piqued my interest. I know many people say job searching is a numbers game and you should aim to apply for hundreds of jobs, but I've had success limiting myself to positions that are a strong fit and taking the time to write a targeted cover letter and adjust my resume based on the job description.

I also found that if I started an application over the weekend, but didn't have time to finish it for some reason, the fact that I at least started gave me much more motivation to complete it on a weeknight. So, just the simple act of getting started on the weekend might provide the momentum to finish the application a few days later.

In short, maybe try setting up a weekly "routine" and focusing on quality over quantity in your applications and see how that goes. And I agree with cutting yourself some slack. Set reasonable goals, and don't get too down on yourself if you aren't cranking out a dozen applications a day. If you aim for a couple of high-quality applications per week, you should still have time to fit in other non-work/non-job search activities.

Good luck!!
posted by oiseau at 5:45 PM on April 30, 2019 [3 favorites]


On this May Day in the year of our Bog 2019, amidst the accelerating collapse caused by capitalism, I give you permission to:

1) Conduct a full-on job search during work hours. Bring your own device and if you use the company Wi-Fi, get and use a reliable VPN.
2) Respond to every one in five of that shitty client's communiqués, preferably using a polite non-response. "yes, we're conținuing work on project X and will keep you posted."
3) Line up some solid references on the off chance you're let go. Sounds like no one at your company is minding the store except for you, so I bet that if even all that you do is the minimum, your job will still be safe. If you're let go, you'll get unemployment.

This job isn't worthy of you, and remember that they are taking your time and energy to deal with this garbage. Fuck them. Really.
posted by Sheydem-tants at 5:54 AM on May 1, 2019 [8 favorites]


This may be a nonstarter, but can you get a job with the client?

I didn’t see it mentioned above - but I’ve personally seen someone do this. They became a liaison to the company they left.
posted by doctor tough love at 1:52 PM on May 1, 2019


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