Should I get involved in a conflict at work?

April 29, 2019 2:01 PM

Should I take sides in a conflict at work between 2 girls

This morning 2 girls who I work with were having some sort of discussion about some accounts. I couldn't hear the whole conversation but it was something to do with a clients accounts. A asked B what she'd done with the account. B said that she'd done such and such (along those lines).

Then A said to B ' 'I'm not happy that you did that and didn't tell me'. A did say this in an accusatory tone. B said 'sorry' but it wasn't a good tone either.

I was the only one in the office apart from A and B because the rest of the Team were at a meeting.

B approached me before lunch when A had to go and get lunch for her boss and I said to B that yes A was out of order and I certainly wouldn't be listening to A if she tried to tell me her side.

I am now wondering if I should have said anything - or if I should go higher up to our boss and keep her in the loop.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

posted by Flowerpower to Work & Money (28 answers total)

If this has nothing to do with you, stay out of it.
I'd also not mention anything to your boss. This doesn't sound very serious.


(And a tiny side note - unless these co-workers are under the age of 13 or so, probably better to call them women.)
posted by k8t at 2:04 PM on April 29, 2019 [101 favorites]

I would stay out of it- this is between A and B, and unless the issue with the accounts directly concerns you (which it sounds like it doesn't) and they speak to you directly, it's not in your camp of things to deal with. Having extra parties involved often just makes things worse when there's co-worker drama.
posted by DTMFA at 2:05 PM on April 29, 2019 [1 favorite]

Are you all 3 approximately equal status? Of course you shouldn't take sides - what do you stand to gain from that? I was gonna ask some more detail about like should B have kept A in the loop but a) you wouldn't know whether or not that's true (even if you think you do, it's possible that there's background that you're not familiar with), and b) it doesn't matter, it's super weird that they would talk to you about this at all, and exceptionally weird for you to say you "certainly wouldn't be listening to A if she tried to tell me her side."

Stay out of it.
posted by brainmouse at 2:05 PM on April 29, 2019

You say that you didn’t hear the whole conversation and you don’t seem to know anything about the underlying conflict, so no, you should not have gotten involved. You definitely should not go to your boss. I would also suggest you stop referring to women coworkers as “girls,” and start trusting that they can work out their own issues in the office.
posted by sallybrown at 2:06 PM on April 29, 2019 [22 favorites]

Best answer: Should I take sides in a conflict at work between 2 girls

Definitely not.

I am now wondering if I should have said anything

It sounds like you allowed B to drag you into this to the extent that you pledged loyalty to her "side" for some reason; it's fine to make sympathetic noises at coworkers who are complaining about other coworkers but no, you shouldn't "say anything."

- or if I should go higher up to our boss and keep her in the loop.

For the love of god, why would you do this? What loop? No.
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:08 PM on April 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: From the sounds of it A was the aggressor - she pulled up B saying that she wasn't happy that B never told her what was happening - where I work everyone is softly softly - it was a shock because the tension was high after. I call them girls because they are both early 20's but A is older than B and is very serious about her work.
I think she takes it too seriously sometimes and has to know everything that's going on.

The reason I'm saying about going to the boss is that I thought that B might go speak to our boss and I might have to go and say what happened.
posted by Flowerpower at 2:12 PM on April 29, 2019

Stay out of it. Work is for work, not friendships or interpersonal drama.
posted by fluttering hellfire at 2:17 PM on April 29, 2019 [4 favorites]

If asked by your boss, tell the truth about what you heard and also be clear that you did not hear all of the conversation. Otherwise, this doesn’t sound even remotely serious enough for you to escalate. Don’t take sides, don’t give this a second’s additional thought, don’t let your coworkers suck you into taking sides on situations you don’t understand, and don’t call your twentysomething coworkers “girls.” I (and maybe your boss) am less inclined to take a story about interpersonal conflicts seriously coming from someone who refers to their grown woman coworkers that way; it makes it sound like you don’t understand appropriate office interaction.
posted by Stacey at 2:19 PM on April 29, 2019 [19 favorites]

I call them girls because they are both early 20's These are women. "Girls" are children.

And like... you are allowed to be annoyed at someone at work if they've done something they shouldn't (or not done something they should). It's never ok to yell or use slurs or things like that, but people are 100% within their rights to be annoyed - publicly - at other people when they are doing something wrong. You don't know the backstory here of whether B was supposed to be keeping A in the loop, and is making her job harder, or if A is being a jerk. Being rude and making people's work/lives harder "softly" is not inherently better than calling them out. Being serious about your work is not a negative. If you are asked about it, talk about it, but stop taking sides or assuming you know what's going on.
posted by brainmouse at 2:22 PM on April 29, 2019 [22 favorites]

A is older than B and is very serious about her work. I think she takes it too seriously sometimes and has to know everything that's going on.

Again, not your business to judge your coworker for taking her work seriously. You don’t seem to understand appropriate dynamics in the workplace. A and B are adults and can handle their own business, you don’t need to meddle.
posted by sallybrown at 2:22 PM on April 29, 2019 [11 favorites]

it's unlikely your boss will ask you anything. It would be extremely inappropriate for her to do so.

It was also inappropriate for you to do anything other than be politely sympathetic and noncommittal to B when she tried to rope you in. How do you know if A was "out of order"? You absolutely don't, and it isn't your business in any case.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:30 PM on April 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

It is okay for there to be conflicts at work, and you do not need to either pledge allegiance or tattle unless you think you're witnessing actual malfeasance, harassment, collusion to defraud, or some kind of safety violation.

I said to B that yes A was out of order and I certainly wouldn't be listening to A if she tried to tell me her side.

Do not do this! Do not! First off, don't get sucked into petty power plays at work. You are neutral. You are Switzerland but without hoarding Nazi gold. You do not have anything to say beyond, "ugh that sucks" (because it sucks to get your hand slapped at work, but it still happens and a lot of times it needed to happen even if the delivery wasn't 100% great) to either one of them.

Chances are good that the person who "takes their work seriously" is actually going to be the one who climbs the ladder there. They're the better person to stay on the good side of, not the whiners. But what you do is mostly stay neutral, keep your loyalties largely to yourself until you need to show a card or two, and spend all your time at work appearing to work rather than play soap opera with the locals. I promise you other people in other positions see this stuff happening even if you think it's all super secret, and opinions are being formulated about you from it. Be very very careful what company you're seen to keep and whose "side" you appear to be on.

Go to work, do your work, don't worry about other people's work until it prevents you doing yours. Do not mistake your management for the teacher or the babysitter or the police.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:35 PM on April 29, 2019 [15 favorites]

Response by poster: Thanks for your comments it's difficult when I thought myself that A shouldn't have said what she said to B. Then after B to talk to me about it. A has not mentioned it but there's still a few hours left till we go home.

So you all think I should just forget about it?
posted by Flowerpower at 2:36 PM on April 29, 2019

yes, forget all about it. not your circus not your monkeys. have a good rest of your afternoon!
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:42 PM on April 29, 2019 [9 favorites]

Why would you voluntarily insert yourself into someone else’s drama at work? The best case scenario is that you have one co worker who dislikes you because you’re taking side against them in something you know nothing about and is none of your business. Then you have to deal with them every day. And that’s the best case scenario. Who needs that at work?
posted by Jubey at 2:43 PM on April 29, 2019 [2 favorites]

I also agree you should forget about it for now, unless asked to report what you saw by a superior.

At the same time, I think you get to take sides whenever the heck you want. I wasn't there, but I've been in situations where I was sure X was out of line when talking to Y, and it would be hard to communicate in an online forum precisely why X was the bad guy, because lots of people know how to be shitty and nasty in ways that are vaguely and plausibly deniable, and there's certainly some history and context here that you know and we don't.

And often, this ends up with Y being bullied and without support, and it sucks, because nobody is willing to stand up for Y, because it's complicated... YMMV, maybe they are both/neither in the wrong here, but I respect the fact that we weren't there, and this stuff can be subtle.
posted by SaltySalticid at 2:44 PM on April 29, 2019

Response by poster: Thank you SaltSalticid. Here's the thing A is always volunteering for work. She's always the first in and last to leave. I don't know 100% what B didn't show her - it's how A pulled her up for it. I thought it sounded aggressive.

A seems to be popular with the managers but she's very confident and always trying to take on more work - I think we're all here to do a job not get promoted. Maybe deep down she rubs me up the wrong way an when B was moaning about her I ended up taking her side.
posted by Flowerpower at 3:11 PM on April 29, 2019 [1 favorite]

If you're all there to do a job, you need to stop worrying about what these women are doing, keep your head down, and avoid entanglement in other people's drama. Learning how to make vague sympathetic noises without knocking people who aren't in the room is an important skill, in work and in life.
posted by basalganglia at 3:24 PM on April 29, 2019 [12 favorites]

Mod note: Hi Flowerpower, moderator here. On AskMe, the way it works is you ask your question and then people answer, and you can mark the ones you find most useful. It's not really a place for back-and-forth discussion. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 3:27 PM on April 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

Given your latest update, it sounds like you have it out for A because she’s ambitious and trying to get a promotion, and the way she’s going about that is...working hard and asking for more work, not anything underhanded. It’s completely normal for people to put hard work into a job to try to earn a promotion. The fact that you’d consider going to your boss to try and highlight some conflict involving A that you’ve admitted you don’t know much of anything about, partly motivated by your dislike of A’s ambition (rather than the actual conflict between A and B) is even more unprofessional than this situation originally seemed.

Leave this situation alone and more generally, leave A alone and stop begrudging her her hard work.
posted by sallybrown at 3:38 PM on April 29, 2019 [29 favorites]

I don't even have to click on the "more inside" to give you an answer.

"Should I take sides in a conflict at work between 2 girls?"

Hard no.
posted by mccxxiii at 6:14 PM on April 29, 2019 [8 favorites]

I think we're all here to do a job not get promoted.

Well......... you can decide what you're at work for, but you can't really determine anyone else's motivation for them.

Another "stay out of it".
If either of them mentions it to you, you can
1) say "it's none of my business, really"
2) listen politely and make sympathetic sounds, but offer no opinions. Say absolutely nothing about one party to the other that you would not say to their face.

Based on what you've said I find it hard to imagine the boss asking you for information but if it comes to that truthfully tell what you know and only that.

Your life will be a million times more peaceful if when other people have conflicts you mind your own business - I speak from experience. (Exceptions for issues of fairness and justice. If A had bulled or harassed B, then it would be appropriate to speak up).
posted by bunderful at 7:18 PM on April 29, 2019 [1 favorite]

You don't actually know that A isn't right to be annoyed. What if that was A's customer's account and nobody is supposed to mess with it without talking to A? And what if B knows that but can't seem to keep her nose in her own business, making it harder for A to know what's going on? And how do you know A hasn't mentioned this numerous times "softly" to B and this is about to get ugly. It might be B about to get what's coming to her.

Farfetched? It's as likely as anything else you know. Stay out, unless it's your responsibility to resolve the underlying dispute.
posted by ctmf at 8:19 PM on April 29, 2019 [3 favorites]

It might be useful for you to imagine that the two people in this situation are young men (who you would almost certainly not call "boys"). Would her ambition bother you so much? I'm guessing no. I think that what's going on with you is that A bothers you because she is a young woman with ambition. We tend to really bother the older men in our workplaces, just by virtue of existing.

You say that A bothers you because she's not doing her job correctly, or -- really, that she doesn't do it the way you prefer. Too ambitious. Let her boss take care of that. That's between her and her boss. Ambition is a quality that a lot of bosses like. In my experience, bosses tend not to like or appreciate when people get bogged down by petty, inconsequential, manufacturered drama--which exactly what you would be doing here, manufacturing drama. A is allowed to be ambitious and to express annoyance at a co-worker. B is allowed to talk to the boss herself if she feels the need to. You don't need to be involved in this in any way. Let the women handle it.

Also, people here are hammering on not calling them girls because that infantilizes these women. This entire question infantilizes them. The word "girls" probably feels natural and not like a deliberate jab, but its use unintentionally reveals some your biases and motives in this situation. It may hurt your feelings a little bit to be told not to call them girls, but having hurt feelings can be a very useful tool: it tells you something's wrong. Ask yourself: if these were two young men, would you call them boys? And would you have the same feelings about the situation? Why or why not? I'd really encourage you to dig deep and think about what is actually going on here for you. It could be very useful.
posted by sockermom at 4:57 AM on April 30, 2019 [13 favorites]

Mod note: A couple deleted. The point about "women" vs "girls" has been made more than once now; please let it be and concentrate on the main question. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 6:57 AM on April 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

Absolutely do not get involved.

This is between A and B. You need to C your way out of it.

Period. End of sentence.
posted by hydra77 at 9:27 AM on April 30, 2019 [2 favorites]

This is not your business. This is your/their boss’ problem to solve. Getting involved is unlikely to end well for you.

The reason I'm saying about going to the boss is that I thought that B might go speak to our boss and I might have to go and say what happened.

If that happens, it happens. You can tell them what you have observed. But don’t initiate it yourself.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:34 PM on April 30, 2019

If there is context here of bullying you've observed, you should report it.. if the argument you saw lacks the context, no.
posted by Mistress at 3:47 PM on April 30, 2019