My [33F] pansexual best friend [35M] is in love with me?
April 21, 2019 10:47 PM Subscribe
My best friend, with whom I trust my life, is pansexual. This past week, he confessed his love for me. And my parents are completely against it, him, and the idea of us being together.
After getting out of a toxic relationship last year (see my previous questions if you're curious) I started grad school again and am living my best life. My best friend has been there through the whole thing, and several other things, over the course of about a decade. We sort of dated years ago, but it didn't work out. We ended up becoming best friends, supporting each other through life's ups and downs and telling each other everything. My parents adore him, and I trust him with my life. Even before rekindling any feelings for him, I felt like we were twins in a past life or something. Soulmates aren't always romantic.
Well this past Monday we were talking and it came out that we had feelings for each other. I told him I was starting to feel that way, and he confessed that he had been feeling that way about me for close to a decade, and that he'd been waiting for the day we'd finally be together.
I was ecstatic. My heart opened up in a way I'd never experienced. Everything just felt right. We talked about it and what our boundaries would be, and I had some concerns based on the last time we dated, and he (having also gotten out of a toxic relationship last year--we have a weird way of going through the same stuff at the same time all the time) was also still trying to figure himself out relationship/monogamy-wise. We weren't sure if it would work out, but we figured we'd give it a try.
In the mean time, I was excited about this development and began telling the people closest to me. Most everyone was supportive until I told my mom. Basically she said it was a bad idea dating a bisexual man because it would lead to heartbreak when he cheated with a man, and that she's only speaking up because she wants the best for me, but that I shouldn't do it.
It bothered me because she was there through that whole thing with my toxic ex, and I guess that was ok because he was doing it with a woman and not a man? It's ok for me to be treated that way by a straight man, but somehow worse if a pan-man or a bi guy does it? We had it out in a big argument where some other things were said, and I'm just completely deflated and having so many conflicting feelings. On one hand, this guy and I fit each other like matching socks. Matching shoes. Matching earrings. We just go together is what I mean. And I'm so happy not only to have him in my life as a friend but happy to hear that he loves me too. I trust him completely, and we're honest with each other on a level I'm not sure I've ever experienced.
But on the other hand, there's now this level of expectation that it's not going to work out, and regardless of whether it's me or him, it will be blamed on his sexuality and not our compatibility as two separate people. We're still testing to see if things work out, which they might not and that's fine. There are just some things we have to think about and figure out on our own before making any big leaps into relationship-ville. But now with this extra layer, I also have to consider the idea that if we do decide to be together, to get married, to have kids, to do any of that, my parents, and possibly my entire family may not come, or he'll be ridiculed by them, or I'll have to walk myself down the aisle, or they won't want to meet our kids. I'm probably psyching myself out a little, but it really hurt to hear that from my mother. I feel like I'll be forced to choose.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle this?
**TL;DR My best friend of over a decade is the most amazing person in the world. He recently told me he has feelings for me, but my mom, despite admitting that he's a great person, completely rejects the idea of me being with him because he's pansexual. I want to chance to get to know him and decide for myself if that's a good idea without this extra layer of pressure from them, and am unsure how to go about it as my mom and I are very close.**
After getting out of a toxic relationship last year (see my previous questions if you're curious) I started grad school again and am living my best life. My best friend has been there through the whole thing, and several other things, over the course of about a decade. We sort of dated years ago, but it didn't work out. We ended up becoming best friends, supporting each other through life's ups and downs and telling each other everything. My parents adore him, and I trust him with my life. Even before rekindling any feelings for him, I felt like we were twins in a past life or something. Soulmates aren't always romantic.
Well this past Monday we were talking and it came out that we had feelings for each other. I told him I was starting to feel that way, and he confessed that he had been feeling that way about me for close to a decade, and that he'd been waiting for the day we'd finally be together.
I was ecstatic. My heart opened up in a way I'd never experienced. Everything just felt right. We talked about it and what our boundaries would be, and I had some concerns based on the last time we dated, and he (having also gotten out of a toxic relationship last year--we have a weird way of going through the same stuff at the same time all the time) was also still trying to figure himself out relationship/monogamy-wise. We weren't sure if it would work out, but we figured we'd give it a try.
In the mean time, I was excited about this development and began telling the people closest to me. Most everyone was supportive until I told my mom. Basically she said it was a bad idea dating a bisexual man because it would lead to heartbreak when he cheated with a man, and that she's only speaking up because she wants the best for me, but that I shouldn't do it.
It bothered me because she was there through that whole thing with my toxic ex, and I guess that was ok because he was doing it with a woman and not a man? It's ok for me to be treated that way by a straight man, but somehow worse if a pan-man or a bi guy does it? We had it out in a big argument where some other things were said, and I'm just completely deflated and having so many conflicting feelings. On one hand, this guy and I fit each other like matching socks. Matching shoes. Matching earrings. We just go together is what I mean. And I'm so happy not only to have him in my life as a friend but happy to hear that he loves me too. I trust him completely, and we're honest with each other on a level I'm not sure I've ever experienced.
But on the other hand, there's now this level of expectation that it's not going to work out, and regardless of whether it's me or him, it will be blamed on his sexuality and not our compatibility as two separate people. We're still testing to see if things work out, which they might not and that's fine. There are just some things we have to think about and figure out on our own before making any big leaps into relationship-ville. But now with this extra layer, I also have to consider the idea that if we do decide to be together, to get married, to have kids, to do any of that, my parents, and possibly my entire family may not come, or he'll be ridiculed by them, or I'll have to walk myself down the aisle, or they won't want to meet our kids. I'm probably psyching myself out a little, but it really hurt to hear that from my mother. I feel like I'll be forced to choose.
Does anyone have advice on how to handle this?
**TL;DR My best friend of over a decade is the most amazing person in the world. He recently told me he has feelings for me, but my mom, despite admitting that he's a great person, completely rejects the idea of me being with him because he's pansexual. I want to chance to get to know him and decide for myself if that's a good idea without this extra layer of pressure from them, and am unsure how to go about it as my mom and I are very close.**
It's not your mom's life and not her decision, even if her objection even made any sense. It's fine that she tried to give you advice, but you're not required to take it. She could change her mind, or you could decide to break up. Your wedding etc is far in the future and anything could happen between now and then.
posted by bleep at 11:03 PM on April 21, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by bleep at 11:03 PM on April 21, 2019 [13 favorites]
I [51M] was introduced to the term "pansexual"only last month when my 12 year old niece mentioned she had a classmate who identified with this label. And the teacher had talked with the class about what that means. I remember being stuck by the progress made on the discussion of such matters in schools since I was that age. But also because it was a term I had to look up myself. I was also impressed by the kid who had managed to upstage all her quotidian classmates who might describe themselves as straight/gay/bi/don't know, etc.
Anyway: I mention this as a way of saying that people of your parent's age may find your friends identification as pansexual as being a novel and potentially unsettling affectation. It really appears to mean "Not willing to set boundaries on the types of people I might be attracted to". But having broad taste does not say anything about the notion of fidelity. If you are worried about exclusivity in your relationship - then that would be something to talk to your friend about - not your parents.
posted by rongorongo at 11:11 PM on April 21, 2019 [27 favorites]
Anyway: I mention this as a way of saying that people of your parent's age may find your friends identification as pansexual as being a novel and potentially unsettling affectation. It really appears to mean "Not willing to set boundaries on the types of people I might be attracted to". But having broad taste does not say anything about the notion of fidelity. If you are worried about exclusivity in your relationship - then that would be something to talk to your friend about - not your parents.
posted by rongorongo at 11:11 PM on April 21, 2019 [27 favorites]
Oh man, do not listen to your mom on this one. Get her voice out of your head. Being bisexual or pansexual has nothing to do with whether someone will cheat. Definitely also don't let thoughts about how things might go in the future wayyyy down the line psych you into or out of a relationship, either. You can't know how it will go, and most likely your parents would come around if you two stayed together for a long time and made a commitment to each other. Go back to being excited about the fact that you and your best friend want to be together and are taking steps to make it happen!
posted by limeonaire at 11:21 PM on April 21, 2019 [19 favorites]
posted by limeonaire at 11:21 PM on April 21, 2019 [19 favorites]
Also: In the future, and I say this gently, maybe don't be so quick to share your would-be partner's sexual orientation with other people, even your family. It's not really your story to tell, and in this case it led to a less than ideal outcome when you told someone who it sounds like doesn't understand what it means to be pansexual. I know you want to share your excitement with your family and others, but I'd say be a bit more careful before you continue to do so.
posted by limeonaire at 11:24 PM on April 21, 2019 [70 favorites]
posted by limeonaire at 11:24 PM on April 21, 2019 [70 favorites]
I wouldn't let your mom's bias mess up your chance at this one. I understand the influence a parent can have and find that those opinions can sometimes be really nice to seek out. But if you have a parent who has strong opinions, it can also be helpful to avoid seeking out those opinions when you already know how you want to move forward, or when you want to figure it out for yourself and need to protect your decision-making space. To me, this seems like one of those times when you already know how you want to move forward.
Since you've already heard her opinion, you're going to have to decide how to navigate this with her, but I don't feel like I know enough about her to think through how to handle that. But you can be confident in disregarding her opinion -- it doesn't sound like it has any basis in reality; it's just prejudice, not anything specific about him.
posted by salvia at 11:56 PM on April 21, 2019
Since you've already heard her opinion, you're going to have to decide how to navigate this with her, but I don't feel like I know enough about her to think through how to handle that. But you can be confident in disregarding her opinion -- it doesn't sound like it has any basis in reality; it's just prejudice, not anything specific about him.
posted by salvia at 11:56 PM on April 21, 2019
Also: In the future, and I say this gently, maybe don't be so quick to share your would-be partner's sexual orientation with other people, even your family.
I assumed since the parents already knew him and they've been BFFs for a decade, this isn't something OP has sprung on them without him knowing it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:02 AM on April 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
I assumed since the parents already knew him and they've been BFFs for a decade, this isn't something OP has sprung on them without him knowing it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 12:02 AM on April 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
It kind of feels like you're both borrowing trouble: she's saying "but look, in the future he might betray you!", which is a risk you would take with anyone else in any kind of relationship, and you're saying "in the future she might not come to my wedding, or she might misbehave at it!", which, assuming you're not getting married tomorrow, is just really building things up to an extreme extent.
So there are two things to deal with. With respect to your mother, it really depends on the type of relationship you have. Are you closely enmeshed in each other's lives? If so then talk with your best friend about it and what they think you all should do. (It sounds like your mother has some ideas about what pansexuality means that aren't necessarily accurate, or maybe she's just been privy to too many details of your friend's sex life over the years, or maybe she just really is queer-phobic and hopefully she can find a way to deal with that. Would she feel better after a conversation with your friend? Is she the type of person who'd feel all right taking her concerns to a therapist?) Aside from that, she's probably scared by your previous bad experiences and wants to somehow ensure that everything will be all right for you in the future, and that could be another angle to work on. And it might be that you'll need to share less with her about the development of this relationship than you're used to, which might be healthy in any case. (If we're already looking ahead to marriage, it can be a real problem for in-laws to know about every little hurt or sore spot or disagreement.)
With respect to you, why do you take your concerns about a hypothetical future so seriously? Sure, parental misbehavior regarding a wedding would suck, but to worry about it before a relationship has even begun is a little much. Does it reflect a general anxiety, or your closeness with your parents, or your own discomfort with your friend's sexuality, or..?
You say that it hurts that you'll be forced to choose between your mother and your friend. Again, that sounds like borrowing trouble (she could absolutely come around over time), but if that hurt is what is really bothering you - the thought that your parent's love might not be unconditional, or that you can't rely on them fully - then it sounds like that would be worth talking about, whether with her, with a therapist, with your father or siblings, or with some combination of the above.
posted by trig at 1:27 AM on April 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
So there are two things to deal with. With respect to your mother, it really depends on the type of relationship you have. Are you closely enmeshed in each other's lives? If so then talk with your best friend about it and what they think you all should do. (It sounds like your mother has some ideas about what pansexuality means that aren't necessarily accurate, or maybe she's just been privy to too many details of your friend's sex life over the years, or maybe she just really is queer-phobic and hopefully she can find a way to deal with that. Would she feel better after a conversation with your friend? Is she the type of person who'd feel all right taking her concerns to a therapist?) Aside from that, she's probably scared by your previous bad experiences and wants to somehow ensure that everything will be all right for you in the future, and that could be another angle to work on. And it might be that you'll need to share less with her about the development of this relationship than you're used to, which might be healthy in any case. (If we're already looking ahead to marriage, it can be a real problem for in-laws to know about every little hurt or sore spot or disagreement.)
With respect to you, why do you take your concerns about a hypothetical future so seriously? Sure, parental misbehavior regarding a wedding would suck, but to worry about it before a relationship has even begun is a little much. Does it reflect a general anxiety, or your closeness with your parents, or your own discomfort with your friend's sexuality, or..?
You say that it hurts that you'll be forced to choose between your mother and your friend. Again, that sounds like borrowing trouble (she could absolutely come around over time), but if that hurt is what is really bothering you - the thought that your parent's love might not be unconditional, or that you can't rely on them fully - then it sounds like that would be worth talking about, whether with her, with a therapist, with your father or siblings, or with some combination of the above.
posted by trig at 1:27 AM on April 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
As a bisexual, I have never cheated on a partner so I could be with someone of a gender my partner was not. I resent the (very common) implication that bi- or pan-sexuality correlates with cheating. Monogamy is monogamy and has nothing to do with sexual orientation. It’s an offensive, hurtful stereotype. Feel free to convey that to your mother.
You want to try this relationship? Great! Go for it! Literally no one else’s opinion on it should matter. And looking for reasons as to why it will end is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re definitely psyching yourself out with the various scenarios that *might* happen, but might not.
posted by greermahoney at 2:22 AM on April 22, 2019 [38 favorites]
You want to try this relationship? Great! Go for it! Literally no one else’s opinion on it should matter. And looking for reasons as to why it will end is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’re definitely psyching yourself out with the various scenarios that *might* happen, but might not.
posted by greermahoney at 2:22 AM on April 22, 2019 [38 favorites]
Maybe this is just the mom in me speaking....but you mention:
You and he became close and developed feelings for each other while in relationships with other people.
He is "figuring himself out monogamy-wise."
Your past post history shows you have a history of dating friends and getting back together with exes and it not working out.
You've referred to him in an extremely idealized fantasy based way many times
You're not even in a relationship with this man yet and you're already discussing it with everyone in your life and stressing over potential future situations in regards to getting married, wedding guests and having kids together and getting yourself quite upset over it.
You may want to hit the emotional breaks on this one... just a little bit? I'm not saying it's not going to work out, just slow yourself down here a lot and take things one at a time.
posted by OnefortheLast at 2:27 AM on April 22, 2019 [63 favorites]
You and he became close and developed feelings for each other while in relationships with other people.
He is "figuring himself out monogamy-wise."
Your past post history shows you have a history of dating friends and getting back together with exes and it not working out.
You've referred to him in an extremely idealized fantasy based way many times
You're not even in a relationship with this man yet and you're already discussing it with everyone in your life and stressing over potential future situations in regards to getting married, wedding guests and having kids together and getting yourself quite upset over it.
You may want to hit the emotional breaks on this one... just a little bit? I'm not saying it's not going to work out, just slow yourself down here a lot and take things one at a time.
posted by OnefortheLast at 2:27 AM on April 22, 2019 [63 favorites]
I offer caution and careful steps. I was together with a close friend and the relationship did not work out. Because of that, I am no longer close with her or able to be friends at all. In retrospect, I wish I still had the friendship and not tried to have the relationship. Something to consider when entering into this.
posted by kokaku at 3:15 AM on April 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by kokaku at 3:15 AM on April 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
My thoughts are in line with what trig is saying. For one thing, you definitely seem to be catastrophizing and possibly twisting what your mom is saying (her concern about new guy cheating means she is ok with how your ex cheating? where does that even come from?). Less than a week into the not-really-even-a-relationship-yet she doesn't think it's a good idea, and so therefore your entire family will boycott the wedding?
But then there's also the issue of treating your mom like your second-best-friend and going to her with this news mere days after you've started exploring the possibility with your friend. Because seeking advice from one's mom is different from seeking advice from a best friend, EVEN IF YOU'RE REALLY CLOSE, due to the inherent imbalance, not-always-aligned interests, and the inability to just walk away and replace that your mom if things sour. Your best friend can give you shit advice from time to time and you can just say "oh, stop it, BF, that's shit advice" and carry right on. If you don't have a relationship with your mom when you can filter, push back, and "take things under advisement," then you might consider creating a little more space between you and your mom to develop as an independent person, and then stepping back in if possible on more balanced footing.
posted by drlith at 4:50 AM on April 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
But then there's also the issue of treating your mom like your second-best-friend and going to her with this news mere days after you've started exploring the possibility with your friend. Because seeking advice from one's mom is different from seeking advice from a best friend, EVEN IF YOU'RE REALLY CLOSE, due to the inherent imbalance, not-always-aligned interests, and the inability to just walk away and replace that your mom if things sour. Your best friend can give you shit advice from time to time and you can just say "oh, stop it, BF, that's shit advice" and carry right on. If you don't have a relationship with your mom when you can filter, push back, and "take things under advisement," then you might consider creating a little more space between you and your mom to develop as an independent person, and then stepping back in if possible on more balanced footing.
posted by drlith at 4:50 AM on April 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
Why is this even a question? You can love your parents while recognizing they are incredibly unreliable advisors who have a very limited view of the world.
"I was ecstatic," says it all. Go for it, or you'll regret it.
posted by eotvos at 5:58 AM on April 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
"I was ecstatic," says it all. Go for it, or you'll regret it.
posted by eotvos at 5:58 AM on April 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
Bi/pan/queer here, in a relationship for 25 years, never cheated. Stuff like this is why I'd be very reluctant to date straight people going forward. One of the consequences of having relationships while bi/pan/queer is a lot of people are placing bets on when and how that relationship is doomed. So part of being in a relationship includes having a thick skin regarding such dire predictions and a willingness to respond with with a strong "MYOB." Yes, your mother is likely reacting on the basis of some anti-bisexual prejudice, and you need to come to terms with that if you want this relationship. If it's not your mom it's going to be someone in your life saying these things.
But it's also worthwhile to pump the brakes a bit. It's only been a week and way too early to start making contingency plans about future weddings.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 5:58 AM on April 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
But it's also worthwhile to pump the brakes a bit. It's only been a week and way too early to start making contingency plans about future weddings.
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 5:58 AM on April 22, 2019 [4 favorites]
Your mom’s biphobia is not your problem to bear.
posted by nikaspark at 6:49 AM on April 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by nikaspark at 6:49 AM on April 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
Thirty-three is really old to be thrown into a tizzy of self-doubt by a casually biphobic comment by your mom. I mean really old. This can't even possibly be the first time you've heard of that ugly old stereotype. Do you think your brain might be waving a STOP sign at you for some other reason?
posted by praemunire at 7:21 AM on April 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by praemunire at 7:21 AM on April 22, 2019 [6 favorites]
Your mom’s biphobia is not your problem to bear.
It's not Socolime's responsibility to change her mother's prejudices. But having and maintaining relationships with family who are less than fully supportive is a stressor that my long-term partner and I have to deal with and talk about on a regular basis. It's really important that we support each other's coming out/inviting in processes (which never really end).
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:52 AM on April 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
It's not Socolime's responsibility to change her mother's prejudices. But having and maintaining relationships with family who are less than fully supportive is a stressor that my long-term partner and I have to deal with and talk about on a regular basis. It's really important that we support each other's coming out/inviting in processes (which never really end).
posted by GenderNullPointerException at 7:52 AM on April 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also have to consider the idea that if we do decide to be together, to get married, to have kids, to do any of that, my parents, and possibly my entire family may not come, or he'll be ridiculed by them, or I'll have to walk myself down the aisle, or they won't want to meet our kids.
I don’t think this at all follows from what your mom is saying. She has an ignorant belief that a pansexual guy will be more likely to cheat on you—she’s saying “I’m worried the chances of you getting hurt are higher in this relationship.” (And obviously she’s wrong.) But you’ve said your parents truly like and appreciate this guy on a personal level. I don’t see any indication that they will angrily take against this relationship as much as worry about your chances of heartbreak increasing.
This makes me wonder...what is driving you to catastrophize here? It would be normal to be stressed about this not working out, given how close of friends you are. I would try to examine my feelings and wonder if this is really stress that I’m feeling about crossing the line into a romantic relationship. It’s okay to be worried about this!
posted by sallybrown at 8:01 AM on April 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
I don’t think this at all follows from what your mom is saying. She has an ignorant belief that a pansexual guy will be more likely to cheat on you—she’s saying “I’m worried the chances of you getting hurt are higher in this relationship.” (And obviously she’s wrong.) But you’ve said your parents truly like and appreciate this guy on a personal level. I don’t see any indication that they will angrily take against this relationship as much as worry about your chances of heartbreak increasing.
This makes me wonder...what is driving you to catastrophize here? It would be normal to be stressed about this not working out, given how close of friends you are. I would try to examine my feelings and wonder if this is really stress that I’m feeling about crossing the line into a romantic relationship. It’s okay to be worried about this!
posted by sallybrown at 8:01 AM on April 22, 2019 [7 favorites]
Now that I think of this some more, it sounds to me like this guy has straight up told you he's probably not monogamous, or at leat jast been, and that he builds and maintains very close friendships with people that he's secretly in love with, over a decade! while concurrently having relationships with others, awaiting an opportunity to make those "friendships" into relationships, and you're not the least bit worried about his ability to be monogamous and faithful in a relationship with you?
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:32 AM on April 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by OnefortheLast at 11:32 AM on April 22, 2019 [3 favorites]
Your mom’s biphobia is not your problem to bear.
I feel like it is though. If I ever dated a straight person again, I'd want them to have my back with their folks.
That said, nthing it sounds like it's still waaay too early for a lot of this. Why not just enjoy it for a while before the big upgrade to weddings and lifetime commitments?
posted by coffeeand at 12:32 PM on April 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
I feel like it is though. If I ever dated a straight person again, I'd want them to have my back with their folks.
That said, nthing it sounds like it's still waaay too early for a lot of this. Why not just enjoy it for a while before the big upgrade to weddings and lifetime commitments?
posted by coffeeand at 12:32 PM on April 22, 2019 [1 favorite]
I think it's a good policy, in families of all kinds, to allow family members a chance to course-correct if they fuck up a response to some news of yours on the first try. You can even say, "I am real unimpressed with that response, but I'm going to give you a few days to reconsider and try again." Not everyone is good at surprises, and it's entirely possible that if she'd had time to consider her response she would have gone with something better (at the very least, keeping her ass opinions to herself, as is her right). She may also have some genuine, good-to-consider reservations that are better expressed with more specificity than her first attempt.
Or, it may be that your family dynamic is that now that y'all have fought about it she'll hold her position until death, but if that's the case you will have to decide what you will and won't live with in your life. If they can't behave, I guess you might have to not invite them to the wedding, but likely you would have ended up in that detente with them regardless of whether it was over this particular situation or some other one.
You will live a simpler life if you leave a little space for that rather than decide that all people's initial responses to you are engraved in marble forever and ever and cannot possibly change. Don't go directly to Doom Forever, especially with people you have an ongoing dialogue with.
But in a similar vein, try to remember you're extremely high on New Relationship Energy right now, it's obvious from the flumes of delight in your post, and that shit is an amazing terrible drug that wears off. The way you feel today is not how you're going to feel forever, and circumstances you think you can totally live with today may turn out to be not feasible for you, OR things will develop beautifully and there will be time for your family to see you in a good healthy relationship with this person.
Give all of it, everyone involved, a little time to air out and develop.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:41 PM on April 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
Or, it may be that your family dynamic is that now that y'all have fought about it she'll hold her position until death, but if that's the case you will have to decide what you will and won't live with in your life. If they can't behave, I guess you might have to not invite them to the wedding, but likely you would have ended up in that detente with them regardless of whether it was over this particular situation or some other one.
You will live a simpler life if you leave a little space for that rather than decide that all people's initial responses to you are engraved in marble forever and ever and cannot possibly change. Don't go directly to Doom Forever, especially with people you have an ongoing dialogue with.
But in a similar vein, try to remember you're extremely high on New Relationship Energy right now, it's obvious from the flumes of delight in your post, and that shit is an amazing terrible drug that wears off. The way you feel today is not how you're going to feel forever, and circumstances you think you can totally live with today may turn out to be not feasible for you, OR things will develop beautifully and there will be time for your family to see you in a good healthy relationship with this person.
Give all of it, everyone involved, a little time to air out and develop.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:41 PM on April 22, 2019 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by thereader at 10:59 PM on April 21, 2019 [35 favorites]