How do I handle shame and failure?
April 3, 2019 12:09 PM   Subscribe

I came to the US 9 years ago and am now going to leave and return to my home country without having achieved much or done much. I am so weighed down by shame and pain about it and a deep sense of failure. I want to be able to handle it in a healthy manner without internalizing myself as a failure.

Background: I grew up a sensitive child with a mom who didn't know better and was very strict and judgmental with me. In addition, I was a very good student and she cared about competing with other parents so I was always under a lot of pressure to perform well academically. At 14 I broke and instead of being a top student became a mediocre student. In my world that meant I failed and no longer deserved love. I simply internalized it as self-loathing. I went through the rest of school and then college as a shallow, ambition-less person who didn't care about much. Due to some events, at the end of college I started trying to find a goal for my life. There was strife with my parents because they wanted me to follow a path they'd chosen for me which they considered safe. Eventually though I prevailed and came to the US to study for my Masters degree from a very highly reputed university.

That's where my downfall really began. All kinds of self-loathing and anxiety came up when I came to the university. I felt incapable and undeserving of being there. I thought everyone was better than I am and that my presence was a downer and a burden for everyone. I constantly felt scared and ashamed. It affected my studies, how much I engaged in any activities or clubs or anything. I made very few friends and constantly felt I wasn't good enough for anyone or anything here. It was a nasty cycle that kept me forever trying and forever hating myself. I saw how other people could advocate for themselves and I couldn't. I genuinely cared about my chosen field though: environment.

I got my degree with an ok GPA and then struggled with the same issues in the job search - self loathing and anxiety. Looking for a job is essentially saying "hey, I'm worth hiring" but I felt entirely unworthy of anything and everything though I didn't recognize that. It was baffling how much I struggled to apply for jobs even though my logical mind could see what I needed to do. I didn't understand what was wrong with me and why everything hurt so much, and I decided that if I ever got a job, I would enlist the help of a psychologist because I didn't want to be this person who keeps sabotaging herself.

Eventually, after a year and a half, I got a job in the industry I was interested in though not to do with the environment. The whole job search thing was terrible but I won't go into details here.
As I'm not a US citizen or resident, I was running up against visa timelines so I took the job. I figured that I would gain industry experience and then find a job with more of a focus on environmental issues.

My first year at my job was great. I did well, people liked me, I was learning a lot about a very complex industry. I was on track to get a promotion after my second year, though I planned to spend much of my second year looking for a more environment focused job. None of that happened though.

I had started therapy secretly hoping to learn tips and tricks in 3-6 months to stop getting in my own way. Therapy turned out to be very different from what I expected. It was so much about feelings and emotions and giving space and compassion to yourself. None of which I did or understood. I argued with my therapist all the time about her showing me too much kindness, and prided myself on only talking and giving her information and never being upset or low or crying. Eventually though all the sadness and self-hate I'd kept in came out and somehow it plunged me into a deep depression. This was one year into my job.

The 4 years since then have been about trying to recover. My parents can't stay with me in the US though they have come for a couple of times and I've been back home a few times. I didn't have a community of my own in the US. I was an anxious person who considered herself a burden on anyone she met and I didn't make friends. Depression made it worse and I couldn't bring myself to ask for any help or support. I do have a couple of great friends in my life who helped anyway but now they've left. My parents begged me to come back to my home country but I kept refusing because I kept thinking I would be a burden to them.

So I stayed in the US, kept my full-time job, did poorly at it, got that promotion 2 years after expected, didn't move to an environment focused job, and now I'm nearly 5 years into doing this job that is highly specialized, takes a lot of brains and effort. I lost all desire and drive to build anything in my life. I made no new friends, I didn't grow in my career at all, I didn't even learn as much about the industry as one could in 5 years, I made no professional network. I also resorted to food for comfort a lot, gained weight, became more ashamed because of that. I have no romantic life, next to no social life. My main focus was making sure I didn't lose the job because I didn't want to be a burden on anyone.

Over the last year I finally started practicing self-compassion. Now I'm learning to practice good habits for the sake of my well-being, and not out of the idea that unless I do these "good" things I'm a loser and an incompetent adult. It's so much more sustainable when I don't try to do things our of self-hate. I'm accepting that it's okay to need and want love and help and support and that I have denied it to myself for 4 year and it's okay to accept it now. I have also been off medication for about 9 months now. Depressive symptoms are coming back and I am going into a very negative spiral and now its been weeks and I cry all the time, and am exhausted and miserable like when depression first started.

I've finally decided I'm going back to my home country so I don't have to be alone while I try to fight this. I'm completely and entirely exhausted and once I've let love and support in, I now crave it. I don't want to be alone anymore. Plus I have savings and they will last a lot longer in my country.

I'm beset by a HUGE sense of shame and failure though.
I've been in this country for nearly 9 years and the way I led my life is so different from anything I envisioned.
My parents and friends keep trying to comfort me. What bothers me is that it isn't circumstances that were bad. It was all me. My shame, my fear, my depression. I don't know how to let go of the shame or how to cope with the feeling of failure.
I tried all I could but I achieved so little. I could've achieved so so so much more and the only reason I didn't is because of who I am.
How do I become okay with that?
I realized that this feeling of failure is something I internalized as a child when I didn't do well in school and it has affected me in the last 9 years. I don't want the feeling of failure from now to affect me later if I ever manage to find any joy or motivation in life.
How do I cope?
Any advice?

Thank you in advance.
posted by BingBong5 to Health & Fitness (19 answers total) 12 users marked this as a favorite
 
You did the best you could. You had very serious health issues that you succeeded in managing while holding down what sounds like a very challenging job in a different country, all on your own. You should be proud of that. You weren't out there hurting or exploiting other people. Moral failures may be a proper source of shame. Professional failures (if they even were failures)? I think not! Shame over gaining weight, especially when many of the drugs for your condition cause weight gain? Fuck that.

Gently, it sounds like you need to get back on the anti-depressants.
posted by praemunire at 12:14 PM on April 3, 2019 [17 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you praemunire. Yes I've been told I might need to get back on the medication. I am thinking about it.
posted by BingBong5 at 12:25 PM on April 3, 2019


Your question really resonated with me.

I moved to New York some years ago after some personal setbacks with a real plan to be happy and successful. I'd lived there before and really enjoyed it, but the second time was different. I was older, my job was stressful, the money I made went shorter distances, I was finding it impossible to connect with friends, and the attention I did get was unhealthy and unwanted. I withdrew. I gained back every pound I'd lost many years before. With every passing year, I was more miserable and lonely than ever, and with that loneliness came a total sense of failure, and I couldn't imagine anything better for myself. I mean, there's a whole song about if you can make it there in New York, you could make it anywhere, and I was feeling like such a failure that I wouldn't be able to make it anywhere, at least not anymore.

So I made plans to move back home. Which also made me feel like a failure.

What helped me the most was flipping my motivation. I decided I wasn't running FROM New York. I was running TO more time with my family, I was running TO a place where I could save money and eventually travel, I was running TO things like cleaner air and a bigger apartment and more quiet and peace, more breathing room.

It's now nine years later. After about two years of shellshock and spending a lot of time figuring out what I wanted and needed, things started settling down for me. I was able to spend gobs of time with my dad before he passed away, time we otherwise wouldn't have had. My mom and I live 15 minutes away, so we were able to grieve together and build a friendship. I was able to save money. I was able to travel a bit. I was able to get a home of my own. I can drive up into the mountains and sit by the river and feel more connected to the world and my place in it than ever.

My loved ones say that this is the most content they've seen me my whole life. And I don't know if I'd be able to fully appreciate all that I have now if I hadn't gone through such a low point.

Your time was not wasted. You are making a good decision -- it's incredibly hard to figure out the best moment to cut your losses and try something else, but the person who is willing to make that change is the same person who will be willing to make more changes toward a better and happier life for yourself.
posted by mochapickle at 12:35 PM on April 3, 2019 [25 favorites]


Mod note: Hi BingBong5, moderator here; I deleted one of your followups. AskMetafilter isn't a place for back-and-forth discussion or processing, or where you respond to comments. Instead, here you ask your concrete question and that's it -- you can read the answers, and mark the ones you find most useful.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 12:36 PM on April 3, 2019


For me personally I have noticed that trying to shove down or ignore all those negative feelings and critical self-talk has not been helping lately - instead it's just there underneath everything and makes me quick to react with anger or despair. So instead I've been trying to meet this part of me head on. A mindfulness & meditation practice is what helps me most - trying to be more aware of my thought process, paying attention to it, and giving it space. Sometimes I visualize myself sending loving kindness to the "mean" part of me - trying to integrate her, and asking her what she's trying to give me. If you haven't done any meditation, the Insight Timer app is a good place to start. Lots of guided meditations. Try searching for "loving kindness" meditations. If you're going back to therapy, mindfulness-based stress relief may be a good specialty to look for.

Echoing what others have said, it is SO HARD to move to a new place, let alone a new country, and you have managed to live on your own, keep a good job, get a promotion, and save money, all of which are very difficult things to do. Yes, you can work on loving yourself more. Yes, it would help to focus on social interaction. And yet, you have accomplished so much in the past 9 years! Not least in terms of self awareness!

Good luck - so glad you will be near your family, who clearly love you so much. Lots of strangers on the internet rooting for you, too. :)
posted by Isingthebodyelectric at 12:37 PM on April 3, 2019 [2 favorites]


To me, it sounds like you're on the right path towards some healing. I think the breakthrough (that you want love and acceptance now that you've felt it) has led you toward a way to take good care of yourself instead of chasing after outside trappings of success. You're reconnecting with family, moving back to familiar territory, and taking some breathing space. I think that's pretty darned impressive.

If the feelings of self-loathing and dissatisfaction continue to plague you, then talk therapy and potentially medication and treating the disease that is depression/anxiety/etc. is a top priority, and knowing that the work you put into that is as important as the work you put into a career or a move will be key.
posted by xingcat at 12:46 PM on April 3, 2019 [2 favorites]


Is home a populous Asian country with high poverty undergoing significant economic development? The kind where education is a soul-crushing rat race driven by parental desperation around the threat of economic precarity? Even if not you are likely not alone in your feelings.

Second, is your mother still the same person you knew at 14, or have age and circumstance softened her outlook and tempered her expectations? How do the rest of the extended family feel about you? Think about this as rationally as you can, from the perspective of an outsider rather than your own feelings.

I ask because I'm guessing you've done significantly better in their eyes than you might admit. You're not coming back empty handed. You earned the good credential and the desired promotions. All of it by yourself without being pulled up by a partner or a trust fund.

I'm struggling to see where it is you "failed". You judge yourself by your inability to clear a (frankly impossible) bar you set for yourself. From my (and I suspect others) perspective you've soared pretty damn high.

What would you have had to do to be a "success" in your eyes? Would it have been achievable? Would it have been desirable even?
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 1:02 PM on April 3, 2019 [14 favorites]


At 14 I broke and instead of being a top student became a mediocre student. In my world that meant I failed and no longer deserved love.

It seems like intellectually you already know this isn't true. It's hard to turn that knowledge into the emotional truth that you live with. Therapy can help with that, but I'm not here to recommend therapy.

I'm just here to say that you deserve love.

Whatever your grades or professional background, whatever your income or wealth or success or failure, you deserve love.

Whatever you've done or failed to do does not erase the fundamental fact that you are a person with inherent dignity and worth.

You deserve love.

I wish I could give you a hug.
posted by gauche at 1:05 PM on April 3, 2019 [12 favorites]


Are you still interested in environmental issues? Would you still want to pursue a career in the environment?
posted by aielen at 1:49 PM on April 3, 2019


I have two quibbles with your assessment of the situation:

What bothers me is that it isn't circumstances that were bad. It was all me.

No, you pretty vividly describe being taught you were a failure as a child, of being treated as if you were undeserving of love because you did not perform (ultimately did not perform capitalism, specifically) to some standard. So being an adult who struggles to feel like they have value or are deserving of love - especially as this appears to be so intricately tied to your perceived inability to do capitalism to a sufficient standard - is a direct line from that.

Just because lots of people endure that kind of childhood abuse doesn't mean it stops being abuse.

My shame, my fear, my depression.

Okay, those are yours in the sense that you get to decide what to do about them, but you didn't invent them and you didn't install them. It's not an actual crime to be a sensitive kid or sensitive adult. People could have done better by you. The work is pretty much all on you to do the healing and repair, but you didn't cause it. You're not a failure, and I hope that going home doesn't mean being abused like that again.
posted by Lyn Never at 2:20 PM on April 3, 2019 [8 favorites]


Try the book Feeling Good, specifically the chapters on overcoming perfectionism, tying your work to your self-worth, and seeking the approval of others. The book was pretty hard for me to get through, so I got the audiobook version and it was vastly preferable (can just listen to it over and over again). I would probably skip all the parts before that if you want to just cut straight to the chase.

The book is all about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, so you may have strong (and unwanted?) reactions to its therapizing bits, but for me this helped a lot to stop the negative self-talk in my head. YMMV
posted by tinydancer at 2:29 PM on April 3, 2019 [4 favorites]


Oh buddy I empathise with so much of what you've written here. I think there's a couple things that might be helpful, namely, rewriting the narrative, and separating emotions and feelings from judgements.

On the first, change this parsimonious narrative about yourself. You're not a failure. You moved to a foreign country and got a masters degree at a presitigous university, you secured a job in your field and have been promoted. You're now headed back home for a break whilst you reassess priorities.

The same facts, but quite different framing, no? Is not moving to a foreign country at a young age a... Brave thing to do? (it is). You seem to think that you should have done all this without fear or self doubt. Nonsense. Fear is bravery.

I was talking to my daughter about this just last night after she was berating herself for being afraid about something. I asked her if she was brave to have a shower that night. She laughed and said no, of course not. I then asked her, that if she was really really afraid of having showers, would it have been brave to have one? She said yes, and I pointed out that if you're not afraid, no bravery is required.

You have done so much, despite your fear, despite your doubts. You actually have achieved a huge amount in the face of this anxiety. That is true bravery.

And it ties into the second thing, separating emotion from judgment. I'm a pretty anxious dude, no lie. Its something I'm aware of and am always working on. But it also means, knowing I'm an anxious guy, I just accept that these feelings are part of who I am, they are something that happens like a burp, or an old leg injury that flares up now and then.

They are not really connected to the reality of my life necessarily. They do not mean I'm a failure or not measuring up, or whatever any more than a old leg injury does. This means I can accept the feelings as part of my day to day life, without really listening to them, acting on them etc.

And it also means when things are getting a bit too hectic, I feel comfortable looking after myself cause that's just what I need. I try to take the judgment out of it. Because I know, because of how I am, even if I was smashing all of my goals and a complete success, I would still have these feelings of anxiety and self doubt. I know this because by most metrics I am currently, actually, smashing goals and succeeding at life, just like you are. The feelings are not connected to the facts of my life, they are just a thing I live with and don't define me.

I wish I had the power to make people see how others perceive them, because I think you would gasp if you could see what others do when they look at you. You are strong, you are a success, you are worthy of love, of a break, of moving wherever the fuck you want, for whatever goddamn reason you want. You are glorious. That's what I see, anyway.

Best of luck.
posted by smoke at 2:48 PM on April 3, 2019 [6 favorites]


I feel for you so much. I’ve lived in the US for nine years as an immigrant and getting a degree from a prestigious school then getting a job and being promoted and having the courage to go to therapy and take medication sounds to me like the actions of a brave person who’s done really well for herself. I don’t think anything anyone on the internet can say will fix your self esteem but you are not a failure. What you’ve done is not failure you’ve accomplished things many people would struggle to do all while dealing with all the bullshit and invisible adversity that comes with being in a forgein country.

You sound depressed and like your brain is lying to you. I really hope you back to a doctor and get some help and that you give yourself a break.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:55 PM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]


This saying comes to mind: Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.

How many people back home will be jealous of your English language skills, and your experiences of living in the US? You know how stuff works in the US. Can you parlay that into a career back home? Travel agent, ESL tutor, translator, import/exporter?

Life isn't linear, school erroneously teaches people that life is linear, but it's not.
posted by at at 3:00 PM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]


I take issue with you saying you didn't achieve much. You moved to a foreign country, completed a master's degree, got a good job, and werepromoted. That's more than some people achieve in their lives, and eight years is not a particularly long timeframe for that.

I think you have overly high expectations of yourself and I think you are blinded by the challenges you had along the way and your feelings about them. An outsider who doesn't know all those details but just heard the broad outline with your achievements would think your time in the USA was well spent and very impressive.
posted by lollusc at 3:40 PM on April 3, 2019 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: Thank you so much everyone. I've read all of your responses a few times. I can't believe all of you took the time to read my long whine of a post and respond with so much kindness.
Thank you. I'm very very grateful. <3

I do believe you're all being too kind in how you're assessing my "accomplishments" over the last 9 years.
I keep feeling that given all the advantages I've had in life, I could've and should've done more and better.
But I'm also aware that maybe that's a negative perspective I'm stuck in right now. And I also know a capitalistic framework of worth plays into it.

I also wanted to address the question of my mom and whether she's the same person from before. Moms always get a bad rap and I've blamed mine a lot too, but I also want to give her credit. She's not the same as before. Seeing me fall into depression and lose so much of me made her question herself and how she's treated me over most of my life. She's a wonderful woman who has shown so much capacity for change. She's moved from being someone I hid from and avoided all the time to being my best friend and my rock. This change in my relationship with my mother has been my biggest success in the last 4 years. I can't say that on any resume though :( But I feel very very fortunate to have my mom as my mom. She is the biggest reason I'm able to go back home.

Also, I don't know what I will do with myself. I'm exhausted and haven't had any interest in anything or a drive to do anything or learn anything for years now. I'm trying to find some purpose or motivation again. It just makes me hate existing and resent that I'm not closer to dying. I'm hoping a break and rest will help. I hope I'm able to work in the environmental field though right now all I want to do is sleep a lot.

Thank you so so so so so much everyone. You're all too kind. I hope this post is allowed.
posted by BingBong5 at 4:18 PM on April 3, 2019 [7 favorites]


Congratulations on having come to this important and really significant awakening. I think over time, it will continue to unfold for you in powerful ways. And kudos on deciding to move back to get more support and on reaching out now.

I just had two specific ideas, if they're helpful.

1. Reject achievement culture. Embrace the idea that the highest goal in life is to be a kind person who is happy, helps others, and connects authentically with loved ones. You're going to die one day. Who cares whether you're an Executive Vice President or an Assistant Supervising Director or whatever!

By this new perspective, you've made an enormous stride since being here. And this change in your relationship with your mom is also incredible. Those are the things that make life meaningful, sincerely. You'll find a path to work-related fulfillment, too, I'd bet, but resolving your relationship with yourself and your mother -- that's so fundamental. It's an enormous step. That's the kind of stuff that people think about when they look back over their life.

2. Find ways to help your self-hating side leave you in peace. That side has good intentions. It wants to see you succeed so that you'll have the money etc to lead a happy life. But it just doesn't understand how counterproductive it is. I get work-related anxiety, and eventually I realized that if I point out to the anxious side of myself that the anxiety is making me do more poorly at work then I could get the anxious part of my mind to ease up on the perfectionism and throw its support behind a more moderate and confident approach. Similarly, I think you're realizing that self love is the path to a better future, so maybe you can point out to your self-hating side (when it starts to get too loud) that the most helpful thing it can do if it wants you to succeed is to quiet down and help you be compassionate to yourself. No matter what the goal is, an approach of self-hatred, blame, and shame just doesn't help you get there. That super-ego self talk should shift and start applauding you whenever you are kind to yourself.

Anyway, good luck!
posted by salvia at 6:35 PM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]


How do you assess other people’s accomplishments? I look at things my colleagues have done - get degrees from prestigious universities, work really hard and get promoted, cope through difficult personal circumstances. I absolutely think they should be proud of what they have done, and the fact that it’s not a Nobel-winning scientific breakthrough doesn’t ever enter my head.

Either you are setting impossible standards for everyone, or just for yourself, but they’re not helpful.

You have achieved all the things you described in your post and which others are describing more positively. And you’ve achieved them despite active and ongoing sabotage by your depression. I don’t know you at all and I would like to see you happy and content with yourself, which means addressing the depression rather than achieving more surface stuff. You deserve to be comfortable in your own skin.
posted by plonkee at 12:30 AM on April 4, 2019 [1 favorite]


The thing that stands out to me in all this is the depression. It sounds like you really do need to go back on the medication. I want you to know and really believe that that's not a failure or a backsliding. It's as real as any other sickness, and there is help for it, and it's helped you before. I think that treating your depression first will help a lot of the other pieces fall into place. Otherwise, you're just pushing that boulder up the hill again and again -- and it's not necessary! Treat your depression and everything else will seem easier.

Another big internet hug from a stranger <3
posted by fiercecupcake at 7:02 AM on April 4, 2019 [2 favorites]


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