How to say "no" enabler edition
April 3, 2019 11:13 AM Subscribe
Tips sought on how to say "no" to an enabler without feeling terrible about it.
This is a person who does almost nothing for themselves in terms of self-care, setting boundaries with others, or anything they deem remotely as being for themselves and not for others. They also do not self-reflect or see a therapist. They do make themselves responsible for others who have untreated mental issues, to the point that this person gave their money and prospects for the future to the welfare of these other people. The result is that this person has nothing of their own and always needs help. They lean on others, including myself, to get the needs met of the people they are (IMO) enabling to continue dysfunctional behavior. I tolerate this, to a certain extent, but get angry when they start asking what I feel is too much when it does little for this person's own wellbeing and everything for those they are enabling. But it's hard for me to say, no, when it's "just a small favor" andI feel badly for their circumstances, even though I feel they made their bed and refuse to push back against those who are taking advantage of them. Please give me a script on how to say "no" gently but firmly to requests such as, I need a ride (specifically a ride that is an hour each way.) I am caught between anger at their refusal to help themselves and pushing me to get what they need done, done, and sympathy because of the circumstances that led to this person's being an enabler (which are awful, long story, not relevant here.)
Thanks.
This is a person who does almost nothing for themselves in terms of self-care, setting boundaries with others, or anything they deem remotely as being for themselves and not for others. They also do not self-reflect or see a therapist. They do make themselves responsible for others who have untreated mental issues, to the point that this person gave their money and prospects for the future to the welfare of these other people. The result is that this person has nothing of their own and always needs help. They lean on others, including myself, to get the needs met of the people they are (IMO) enabling to continue dysfunctional behavior. I tolerate this, to a certain extent, but get angry when they start asking what I feel is too much when it does little for this person's own wellbeing and everything for those they are enabling. But it's hard for me to say, no, when it's "just a small favor" andI feel badly for their circumstances, even though I feel they made their bed and refuse to push back against those who are taking advantage of them. Please give me a script on how to say "no" gently but firmly to requests such as, I need a ride (specifically a ride that is an hour each way.) I am caught between anger at their refusal to help themselves and pushing me to get what they need done, done, and sympathy because of the circumstances that led to this person's being an enabler (which are awful, long story, not relevant here.)
Thanks.
I think the replies definitely rely on the circumstances. In terms of rides, you can state that you're unavailable for the time, or need to do something for yourself. If it's money, then you can say you're watching your pennies, etc.
A lot of the time, "I'm not able to do that right now" is all you need to say. They may demand explanations or justifications, but with favors/loans/rides/etc., it's not up to the requester to set the parameters as to whether or not your ability to give is justified.
posted by xingcat at 11:16 AM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
A lot of the time, "I'm not able to do that right now" is all you need to say. They may demand explanations or justifications, but with favors/loans/rides/etc., it's not up to the requester to set the parameters as to whether or not your ability to give is justified.
posted by xingcat at 11:16 AM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
Have you had a larger discussion with the enabler about the issues you raise here? If not, I think that’s worth having, because then the enabler has the context to understand why you don’t want to do various favors, rather than hearing a series of one-off “no” answers from you.
Something like, “As your friend, I care about you a lot. Of course you have the right to do what you want with your time and money, and I want you to be happy. But it seems to me like you’re not taking care of yourself in a way that’s harmful to you. You’re depleting yourself because of other people’s problems to the point where you need to come ask for help to make up for how much you’re giving to others. This makes me really sad and I don’t think it’s right to contribute to this problem by pitching in in the ways you ask. I’m always here for you to talk to and I don’t mean to be overly controlling or bossy—it’s your life. But please don’t ask me for favors you only need because you can’t say no to other people. I’ve worked on setting boundaries like that in my life and if you ever want to talk about setting boundaries and how to do it, I’m here for you.”
posted by sallybrown at 11:46 AM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Something like, “As your friend, I care about you a lot. Of course you have the right to do what you want with your time and money, and I want you to be happy. But it seems to me like you’re not taking care of yourself in a way that’s harmful to you. You’re depleting yourself because of other people’s problems to the point where you need to come ask for help to make up for how much you’re giving to others. This makes me really sad and I don’t think it’s right to contribute to this problem by pitching in in the ways you ask. I’m always here for you to talk to and I don’t mean to be overly controlling or bossy—it’s your life. But please don’t ask me for favors you only need because you can’t say no to other people. I’ve worked on setting boundaries like that in my life and if you ever want to talk about setting boundaries and how to do it, I’m here for you.”
posted by sallybrown at 11:46 AM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Rather than simply saying no to favors, you can articulate what you are willing to do.
I am willing to take you out for coffee if you need to chat. I can help you by babysitting your kids once a month. I can help pick up an extra box of detergent for you while I at the store. I would love to have you over for dinner.
And then be clear that you cannot do favors for anyone else, even indirectly.
However, I am not able to help X. I simply don't have the bandwidth or means.
posted by brookeb at 11:56 AM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
I am willing to take you out for coffee if you need to chat. I can help you by babysitting your kids once a month. I can help pick up an extra box of detergent for you while I at the store. I would love to have you over for dinner.
And then be clear that you cannot do favors for anyone else, even indirectly.
However, I am not able to help X. I simply don't have the bandwidth or means.
posted by brookeb at 11:56 AM on April 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
Best answer: It feels like you are asking how to stop enabling an enabler. You want to set (sensible) boundaries with a friend that won't set any boundaries for themselves.
Am I right in guessing that the favors are doing things for the person your friend is trying to help, directly or indirectly? That is, the ride is for the other person, or is for your friend to run errands for or get to the other person? In that case, you can think of it as setting the boundary with the other person that your friend won't set.
Boundaries are hard. Saying no is hard. (I'm procrastinating now!) I don't think there are magic words though.
posted by JawnBigboote at 11:59 AM on April 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
Am I right in guessing that the favors are doing things for the person your friend is trying to help, directly or indirectly? That is, the ride is for the other person, or is for your friend to run errands for or get to the other person? In that case, you can think of it as setting the boundary with the other person that your friend won't set.
Boundaries are hard. Saying no is hard. (I'm procrastinating now!) I don't think there are magic words though.
posted by JawnBigboote at 11:59 AM on April 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
What brookeb said!
posted by JawnBigboote at 12:00 PM on April 3, 2019
posted by JawnBigboote at 12:00 PM on April 3, 2019
Yeah, it sounds like you are enabling this person yourself. What do you wish this person would say to the people who are asking them for help? Is there some way you can make that script work for your situation. (Anecdotally, I find I get the most frustrated at people who are doing the thing that I am also doing and wish I could stop doing. It sometimes helps to take that step back and realize that part of my frustration is actually at myself, not the other person.)
posted by lazuli at 1:15 PM on April 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by lazuli at 1:15 PM on April 3, 2019 [1 favorite]
I found Emotional Blackmail to be incredibly helpful in leaving a very unhealthy relationship with a master manipulator. Susan Forward lays out the tactics and counters in a very straightforward fashion.
posted by elmay at 3:01 PM on April 3, 2019
posted by elmay at 3:01 PM on April 3, 2019
Best answer: They lean on others, including myself, to get the needs met of the people they are (IMO) enabling to continue dysfunctional behavior.
You are part of this system that helps them exist and are, in your own way, enabling it. Not that that is terrible, certainly, but it might help you put up a stronger wall because you can clearly see the negative consequences of this behavior for this person, so you can see that your own role in it needs to change.
So agree with others, some of this depends on your relationship. Family members (in my mind) need/deserve a little more in terms of support and feedback than a friend who is just sort of mooching off of you.
So it can be helpful to explain what you will offer (a sympathetic ear, help finding a therapist, help with maybe local rides or something) and what you will not offer (two hours worth of free driving, at the minimum, money etc). Part of it, as you've learned is that it's not just the no, it's the second round of "No, seriously" but at some level it can be helpful to remember that they can not make you drive them. So the important part of just to say no until the time passes and then you're done. You could even help them find rides etc.
Ultimately part of this is leading with no, not leading with "Oh not right now" which opens the door to "OK when?" Those sort of polite refusals work with people who share a common view of etiquette. If that is not shared you can both be apologetic but also firm "I'm sorry but I can't do this drive for you anymore"
posted by jessamyn at 4:40 PM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
You are part of this system that helps them exist and are, in your own way, enabling it. Not that that is terrible, certainly, but it might help you put up a stronger wall because you can clearly see the negative consequences of this behavior for this person, so you can see that your own role in it needs to change.
So agree with others, some of this depends on your relationship. Family members (in my mind) need/deserve a little more in terms of support and feedback than a friend who is just sort of mooching off of you.
So it can be helpful to explain what you will offer (a sympathetic ear, help finding a therapist, help with maybe local rides or something) and what you will not offer (two hours worth of free driving, at the minimum, money etc). Part of it, as you've learned is that it's not just the no, it's the second round of "No, seriously" but at some level it can be helpful to remember that they can not make you drive them. So the important part of just to say no until the time passes and then you're done. You could even help them find rides etc.
Ultimately part of this is leading with no, not leading with "Oh not right now" which opens the door to "OK when?" Those sort of polite refusals work with people who share a common view of etiquette. If that is not shared you can both be apologetic but also firm "I'm sorry but I can't do this drive for you anymore"
posted by jessamyn at 4:40 PM on April 3, 2019 [3 favorites]
I think you might want to reconsider the second part of your question. It’s probably going to feel bad at first and there’s not an easy way around that. But just know that it will get easier and also the person will stop asking after a while if you keep your boundaries firm. And, remember, your boundaries are yours to define and hold. They honestly have nothing to do with the other person and you don’t need their permission or help to have them.
posted by dawkins_7 at 4:43 PM on April 3, 2019
posted by dawkins_7 at 4:43 PM on April 3, 2019
Tips sought on how to say "no" to an enabler without feeling terrible about it.
Not immediately achievable; it's going to take training and practice. So you need to expect and accept that when you do start saying No, which is a necessary thing that you absolutely do need to do, it's going to feel terrible.
Do it anyway, and when you feel terrible afterwards, run repeatedly in your head through all the perfectly good reasons that you already know you have for needing to say No, and keep doing that until the terrible feeling has gone away, which it will. Also remind yourself about how increasingly terrible you've been feeling after way way way too much Yes, and that changing a habit is never easy even when it's completely necessary to do that.
If you're consistent with this, you will most likely find that you grow the skill of being able to say No without feeling terrible about it in no more than a few months. In fact you'll more than likely find that you end up feeling really good about acting as a successful role model for your enabler friend.
posted by flabdablet at 8:21 AM on April 4, 2019
Not immediately achievable; it's going to take training and practice. So you need to expect and accept that when you do start saying No, which is a necessary thing that you absolutely do need to do, it's going to feel terrible.
Do it anyway, and when you feel terrible afterwards, run repeatedly in your head through all the perfectly good reasons that you already know you have for needing to say No, and keep doing that until the terrible feeling has gone away, which it will. Also remind yourself about how increasingly terrible you've been feeling after way way way too much Yes, and that changing a habit is never easy even when it's completely necessary to do that.
If you're consistent with this, you will most likely find that you grow the skill of being able to say No without feeling terrible about it in no more than a few months. In fact you'll more than likely find that you end up feeling really good about acting as a successful role model for your enabler friend.
posted by flabdablet at 8:21 AM on April 4, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
[they push back, say how much they need whatever]
"I hope it works out. I gotta go. Good luck!"
-fin-
[eta: I have an old friend who is always in a terrible situation, largely because she refuses to change her circumstances. In the beginning our whole circle tried to help her in various ways. Now when she complains we say "I'm sorry. That sucks." And that's all. Because we love her and it does suck and we're sorry she's in it, but there's nothing we can do to change it for her, including pointing out to her how she's bringing it on herself.]
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:15 AM on April 3, 2019 [12 favorites]