A steaming plate of birthday beans
March 26, 2019 10:46 AM Subscribe
I have a significant birthday this year. I'd like to celebrate it with my friends in some manner, which is not a thing I've really done a lot as an adult for complex reasons mostly around self esteem and perceived worthlessness. I'll be sad and disappointed in myself if I let this one pass without marking it socially, but I feel super anxious about various logistical/practical elements of organising a party. Talk some sense into me please.
I'm turning 30 in July, and, importantly, I no longer seriously hate myself or believe I'm totally worthless (thanks, therapy). I would like to mark the occasion with a low-key gathering of around 20 close friends/family where we hang out and eat delicious food.
Originally I was planning to hire out a private room at the back of a pub in the nearest city to where I live that does decent food, put on a playlist and let the evening work itself out. As part of this model, I was expecting people to order what they want from the pub menu and ultimately pay for what they ate/drank. This is pretty normal based on other people's birthdays that I've been to, but when I mentioned the idea to my mother (who is older and at least somewhat out of touch) she got super pearl-clutchy about inviting people to a thing and then expecting them to pay for their own dinner, and now I'm super anxious about the idea and feel like it's incredibly rude to a) ask people to turn up at all to celebrate my existence and b) ask them to pay for their own dinner while they're at it.
I also got in touch with the pub I had in mind recently and they mentioned they'd need a minimum £25/head spend per guest and a £10/head deposit now-ish. I also feel super awkward about inviting people to a thing where they're expected to spend a minimum amount on food and drink - how would I even communicate this to my guests without dying of embarrassment? Another burning question if I do go ahead with this plan is how to deal with payment - should I expect to front the cost and get people to pay me back after the fact, or do we go through the excruciating dance of trying to make the bill for ~20 people add up on the night? And if I've paid a deposit, do I eat that cost or try to claim it back from people? I hate asking people for money, so all of these options sound stressful.
Another option is to hire a room somewhere and get catering. Under this model I would be paying for the room hire & buffet, and this is likely to come in around £400-500. I can technically afford this but it's not how I'd prefer to spend the money; in some ways it feels like I'd be paying a several-hundred-pound embarrassment tax to avoid having to ask my friends to pay for dinner. Most of the room hire options I've looked at so far seem aimed at either much larger or much more formal parties than what I'm envisaging.
I could also go even-low-keyer and either book a table at a less expensive restaurant (feel less guilty about making people pay money to hang out on my birthday, but it would probably be a less special/intimate vibe and I'd feel more guilty about asking people to travel to attend), or I could throw a party at my own house (space/capacity might be an issue, I'd feel stressed about organising it and about there being enough food and about my house being clean enough, and I live vaguely in the middle of nowhere and I'd again feel guilty about making people drive out of town to my house just to eat a cupcake and be at my house or whatever).
Unfortunately I don't have anyone I'm close enough with who'd be willing to take on the burden of organising this, and right now all of the options feel super stressful and high-stakes. I also think I still have a lingering bit of "I'm a garbage person and it would be a crime to make people burn money and time and energy celebrating me" going on in the background, which is increasing the guilt/stress/embarrassment feelings. I want to invite people who might have to travel to my city in order to attend, so I want the event to feel meaningful enough that they didn't waste their time travelling. As I said earlier, I'll also feel very sad and disappointed in myself if I do nothing to celebrate, so that doesn't feel like a meaningful option. Right now I feel paralysed by organisational anxiety and I'm looking for thoughts on how to get through this.
I'm turning 30 in July, and, importantly, I no longer seriously hate myself or believe I'm totally worthless (thanks, therapy). I would like to mark the occasion with a low-key gathering of around 20 close friends/family where we hang out and eat delicious food.
Originally I was planning to hire out a private room at the back of a pub in the nearest city to where I live that does decent food, put on a playlist and let the evening work itself out. As part of this model, I was expecting people to order what they want from the pub menu and ultimately pay for what they ate/drank. This is pretty normal based on other people's birthdays that I've been to, but when I mentioned the idea to my mother (who is older and at least somewhat out of touch) she got super pearl-clutchy about inviting people to a thing and then expecting them to pay for their own dinner, and now I'm super anxious about the idea and feel like it's incredibly rude to a) ask people to turn up at all to celebrate my existence and b) ask them to pay for their own dinner while they're at it.
I also got in touch with the pub I had in mind recently and they mentioned they'd need a minimum £25/head spend per guest and a £10/head deposit now-ish. I also feel super awkward about inviting people to a thing where they're expected to spend a minimum amount on food and drink - how would I even communicate this to my guests without dying of embarrassment? Another burning question if I do go ahead with this plan is how to deal with payment - should I expect to front the cost and get people to pay me back after the fact, or do we go through the excruciating dance of trying to make the bill for ~20 people add up on the night? And if I've paid a deposit, do I eat that cost or try to claim it back from people? I hate asking people for money, so all of these options sound stressful.
Another option is to hire a room somewhere and get catering. Under this model I would be paying for the room hire & buffet, and this is likely to come in around £400-500. I can technically afford this but it's not how I'd prefer to spend the money; in some ways it feels like I'd be paying a several-hundred-pound embarrassment tax to avoid having to ask my friends to pay for dinner. Most of the room hire options I've looked at so far seem aimed at either much larger or much more formal parties than what I'm envisaging.
I could also go even-low-keyer and either book a table at a less expensive restaurant (feel less guilty about making people pay money to hang out on my birthday, but it would probably be a less special/intimate vibe and I'd feel more guilty about asking people to travel to attend), or I could throw a party at my own house (space/capacity might be an issue, I'd feel stressed about organising it and about there being enough food and about my house being clean enough, and I live vaguely in the middle of nowhere and I'd again feel guilty about making people drive out of town to my house just to eat a cupcake and be at my house or whatever).
Unfortunately I don't have anyone I'm close enough with who'd be willing to take on the burden of organising this, and right now all of the options feel super stressful and high-stakes. I also think I still have a lingering bit of "I'm a garbage person and it would be a crime to make people burn money and time and energy celebrating me" going on in the background, which is increasing the guilt/stress/embarrassment feelings. I want to invite people who might have to travel to my city in order to attend, so I want the event to feel meaningful enough that they didn't waste their time travelling. As I said earlier, I'll also feel very sad and disappointed in myself if I do nothing to celebrate, so that doesn't feel like a meaningful option. Right now I feel paralysed by organisational anxiety and I'm looking for thoughts on how to get through this.
Happy birthday! Personally, I think house parties are the best. Just a more relaxed, freewheeling atmosphere.
Here's my advice, based on what has worked for me:
*Hold the party at your house so that you don't have to worry about booking a place.
*I personally like sending out paper invitations to people's home addresses because I think everyone takes those more seriously than evites. Send them as early as possible, at least a good six weeks before the party if you can swing it. On the invitations, specify 1. what people should bring 2. whether it's OK to still come if they don't have anything to bring (I assume it is, but it's good to say that straight out) 3. if it's OK for them to bring more guests as well 4. any obvious transportation/parking issues 5. for invitations to specific people who you'd be fine crashing for the night at your place (like out of town guests, etc), let them know that that's an option. 6. tell everyone to please RSVP.
*Get PLENTY of snacks (PLENTY -- always better too much than too little). Set up the food before anyone gets there, and then basically forget about it, aside from glances to see if anything has totally run out. Serve drinks to guests as they arrive, but don't worry about buying alcohol. People will bring a bottle of wine or a six-pack as your "gift" (include this on your invitations) and that should take care of it.
*Reach out to your friends who you think might have trouble getting a ride to/from your house and let them know what the carpooling or other transportation options are. Be explicit, so nobody is silently stressing out about that and allowing it to keep them from your party.
*Plan some kind of theme (doesn't have to be super specific -- could be "springtime" or whatever) and go as wild with the directions as is practical.
*Make sure that you can hook up your phone or computer (or CD player) to your speakers for the music, but otherwise, I don't think you need a specific playlist beforehand. Some of the men at the party will probably take over the music selection anyway, there's always a group of guys like that.
*Tidy up the day of and make sure your bathroom has towels/TP/etc, but don't get too worried about cleaning. Your place is going to get messy over the course of the party anyway.
*Dress up, get excited, and HAVE A GOOD TIME :D
My parties (in the US) generally cost $250~, between decorations, stamps/invitations, food, party clothes, and all that. But you can probably cut that in half pretty easily.
posted by rue72 at 11:21 AM on March 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
Here's my advice, based on what has worked for me:
*Hold the party at your house so that you don't have to worry about booking a place.
*I personally like sending out paper invitations to people's home addresses because I think everyone takes those more seriously than evites. Send them as early as possible, at least a good six weeks before the party if you can swing it. On the invitations, specify 1. what people should bring 2. whether it's OK to still come if they don't have anything to bring (I assume it is, but it's good to say that straight out) 3. if it's OK for them to bring more guests as well 4. any obvious transportation/parking issues 5. for invitations to specific people who you'd be fine crashing for the night at your place (like out of town guests, etc), let them know that that's an option. 6. tell everyone to please RSVP.
*Get PLENTY of snacks (PLENTY -- always better too much than too little). Set up the food before anyone gets there, and then basically forget about it, aside from glances to see if anything has totally run out. Serve drinks to guests as they arrive, but don't worry about buying alcohol. People will bring a bottle of wine or a six-pack as your "gift" (include this on your invitations) and that should take care of it.
*Reach out to your friends who you think might have trouble getting a ride to/from your house and let them know what the carpooling or other transportation options are. Be explicit, so nobody is silently stressing out about that and allowing it to keep them from your party.
*Plan some kind of theme (doesn't have to be super specific -- could be "springtime" or whatever) and go as wild with the directions as is practical.
*Make sure that you can hook up your phone or computer (or CD player) to your speakers for the music, but otherwise, I don't think you need a specific playlist beforehand. Some of the men at the party will probably take over the music selection anyway, there's always a group of guys like that.
*Tidy up the day of and make sure your bathroom has towels/TP/etc, but don't get too worried about cleaning. Your place is going to get messy over the course of the party anyway.
*Dress up, get excited, and HAVE A GOOD TIME :D
My parties (in the US) generally cost $250~, between decorations, stamps/invitations, food, party clothes, and all that. But you can probably cut that in half pretty easily.
posted by rue72 at 11:21 AM on March 26, 2019 [8 favorites]
You totally deserve to be celebrated! In my social circle (USA, early thirties/late twenties, wide range of salaries) the best option would be saying “hey, please come and celebrate my bday at BAR. I’ll be there at TIME.” I’d also reach out to a closest person or two and ask them to arrive early so that I have a people buffer. Bars are used to people having their own tabs and it’s relatively easy. Extra points if they also serve food.
posted by raccoon409 at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by raccoon409 at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2019 [6 favorites]
I’ve been to multiple birthdays in the UK with groups of this size where we paid for our own food, and usually covered that of the birthday person. If you can budget for the more expensive option, why not use this to cover the difference if the £25 per head spend isn’t met?
It’s really stressful organising things like this so be kind to yourself. I’ve also done this with Facebook or email invitations, requesting definite RSVPs because it’s a meal.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:33 AM on March 26, 2019
It’s really stressful organising things like this so be kind to yourself. I’ve also done this with Facebook or email invitations, requesting definite RSVPs because it’s a meal.
posted by ellieBOA at 11:33 AM on March 26, 2019
I think it would be helpful just to take a step back from logistics for a second because I think this some of this framing must be really emotionally challenging! First, what is your budget? Your budget is what can / do you want to spend to host your birthday party. To host your birthday party and gather the people you wanna spend time with, not how much you can afford to spend to avoid having to ask your friends to pay for dinner or how much can you spend to feel less guilty about making people pay money to hang out on your birthday.
And secondly, I would try to tamp down the frantic anxious internal calculator of whether your invitation meets or exceeds some unknowable but finite limit/quota of time or money or energy or travel that you think people are willing to give for your birthday and for you. They are your friends, you are suggesting and offering a way for them to come spend time with you and hang out and eat delicious food. It is not high stakes, and I mean that kindly. THEY will not think it's high stakes. They love you and are happy you are having a birthday. And they are grownups who can decide for themselves what their limits are and act accordingly and politely and in a friendly way.
That said, I think there's a very simple happy medium here between asking people to pay for everything vs footing a £400-500 bill to rent a full room with catering, which is to basically pick that pub you like, pre-pay the £10/head deposit (so £200, which it sounds like you can afford), and everyone foots the remainder of their own balance of what they eat and drink on their own. You basically say to them you've rented a private room at my favorite place and taken care of the guest deposit - "cash bar" with minimum £15 per person.
Pre-paying the deposit is not an embarrassment tax. It is the cost you're paying to HOST YOUR FRIENDS in the way that you can.
posted by sestaaak at 11:35 AM on March 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
And secondly, I would try to tamp down the frantic anxious internal calculator of whether your invitation meets or exceeds some unknowable but finite limit/quota of time or money or energy or travel that you think people are willing to give for your birthday and for you. They are your friends, you are suggesting and offering a way for them to come spend time with you and hang out and eat delicious food. It is not high stakes, and I mean that kindly. THEY will not think it's high stakes. They love you and are happy you are having a birthday. And they are grownups who can decide for themselves what their limits are and act accordingly and politely and in a friendly way.
That said, I think there's a very simple happy medium here between asking people to pay for everything vs footing a £400-500 bill to rent a full room with catering, which is to basically pick that pub you like, pre-pay the £10/head deposit (so £200, which it sounds like you can afford), and everyone foots the remainder of their own balance of what they eat and drink on their own. You basically say to them you've rented a private room at my favorite place and taken care of the guest deposit - "cash bar" with minimum £15 per person.
Pre-paying the deposit is not an embarrassment tax. It is the cost you're paying to HOST YOUR FRIENDS in the way that you can.
posted by sestaaak at 11:35 AM on March 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like you’re being very considerate of your friends. I agree that splitting a tab 20 ways is a lot. In my social circles (in the USA), raccoon409’s advice is spot on. Alternatively, providing pizza/bbq at a free public space, like a park, gives you the ease of a house party without the need to clean your house.
posted by tinymegalo at 11:38 AM on March 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by tinymegalo at 11:38 AM on March 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
Your mother is wildly out of touch, to the point of being actively socially inappropriate. Me: 30s, female, UK - never, ever, ever have I been invited out for a birthday meal and expected that the birthday girl (or boy) would be paying for it. Most usually there is a quick hushed conversation while birthday girl is in the loo about our various financial situations and how much of her meal we will pay for (all, if we can afford it).
Option: make a Facebook event or group (private) called "It's my 30th!". Invite all the people you want to be there. Strip out all the self-hatred from this post, and lay out the options for your friends eg "Hey all, I'm turning 30 soon and I'd love to see you all! I don't know how everyone's set up with finances and transport, so wanted to know what people thought about a couple of ideas? We could go out to a restaurant [insert possibilities here], but for all of us I'd need to get a deposit off you all before booking, which is a faff; or you could all come round to mine, but I know it's not that easy to get to." Then put a poll underneath with the options on it. Go with the highest number of votes, be firm that you need confirmed RSVPs, and no-one can blame you re:transport/money/whatever because you went to the trouble of asking beforehand. And if it turns out that, say, five people really can't afford to come or can't get transport, then you know who they are and you can arrange a mini-shindig with them at a different date.
Also: ignore any and all social advice from your mother from this point on.
posted by Vortisaur at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
Option: make a Facebook event or group (private) called "It's my 30th!". Invite all the people you want to be there. Strip out all the self-hatred from this post, and lay out the options for your friends eg "Hey all, I'm turning 30 soon and I'd love to see you all! I don't know how everyone's set up with finances and transport, so wanted to know what people thought about a couple of ideas? We could go out to a restaurant [insert possibilities here], but for all of us I'd need to get a deposit off you all before booking, which is a faff; or you could all come round to mine, but I know it's not that easy to get to." Then put a poll underneath with the options on it. Go with the highest number of votes, be firm that you need confirmed RSVPs, and no-one can blame you re:transport/money/whatever because you went to the trouble of asking beforehand. And if it turns out that, say, five people really can't afford to come or can't get transport, then you know who they are and you can arrange a mini-shindig with them at a different date.
Also: ignore any and all social advice from your mother from this point on.
posted by Vortisaur at 11:49 AM on March 26, 2019 [15 favorites]
Just want to float some other in-between options that might feel better/easier to you to execute because I agree that the bill at the end is a bit of a downer and a clusterfuck when it's above a small group, but also think it's nice to hang out in a private room at a reasonably nice place with your friends and food. These can be mixed and matched as appropriate.
- You foot the bill for the food, but ask people to pay for their own drinks from the bar while they are there. My guess is that you'll hit your minimums without issue.
- Work with your place to do a laid out buffet meal, and/or drinks in pitchers or whatever. That way you know the cost up front with out without having to deal with divvying the bill or being surprised later.
- See if your place will do a limited set menu at a set price per head for your group. We did this for our rehearsal dinner pre-wedding - I think it was 1 salad, could choose from 3 entrees, 1 dessert? - and it was great.
- You can mention to people when you invite them that if they want to paypal/venmo/pass you a contribution of £20-25, they can if they want but no big deal. Then you can decide not to follow up with anyone if you wish.
- You can ask your Mother With All The Opinions to foot the bill as a birthday gift to you.
posted by vunder at 11:59 AM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
- You foot the bill for the food, but ask people to pay for their own drinks from the bar while they are there. My guess is that you'll hit your minimums without issue.
- Work with your place to do a laid out buffet meal, and/or drinks in pitchers or whatever. That way you know the cost up front with out without having to deal with divvying the bill or being surprised later.
- See if your place will do a limited set menu at a set price per head for your group. We did this for our rehearsal dinner pre-wedding - I think it was 1 salad, could choose from 3 entrees, 1 dessert? - and it was great.
- You can mention to people when you invite them that if they want to paypal/venmo/pass you a contribution of £20-25, they can if they want but no big deal. Then you can decide not to follow up with anyone if you wish.
- You can ask your Mother With All The Opinions to foot the bill as a birthday gift to you.
posted by vunder at 11:59 AM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Happy early birthday! I think it is fabulous that you are doing this for yourself, and I also think sestaaak has the perfect solution of prepaying the deposit now to secure the space. I've attended a bunch of parties like this where the birthday boy or girl rented out a party room in a bar or restaurant and it was super easy (and expected) for everyone to get their own food and drink upon arrival. I expect everyone else will hit the rest of the required minimum easily.
Also with respect to Vortisaur, I have a friend who likes to plan parties by committee via Facebook and it never goes particularly well and just leaves everyone kind of frustrated and unwilling to fully commit to the occasion because it seems too open-ended. I would not recommend this approach if you are already struggling with anxiety and overthinking. This is your birthday party and what you want sounds completely reasonable so far, don't overcomplicate it further by voluntarily introducing lots of other people's opinions and preferences when you are already worrying about pleasing / not inconveniencing your guests. You are much, much better off just setting your plan and sending out invites based on that plan.
Finally, it sounds like we have the exact same mom and I am really sorry she made you feel that way. I'm turning 38 this year and it's only been within the last couple years that I've been able to easily and successfully brush off her unhelpful feedback like the kind she gave you. You will get there, too.
posted by anderjen at 12:05 PM on March 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
Also with respect to Vortisaur, I have a friend who likes to plan parties by committee via Facebook and it never goes particularly well and just leaves everyone kind of frustrated and unwilling to fully commit to the occasion because it seems too open-ended. I would not recommend this approach if you are already struggling with anxiety and overthinking. This is your birthday party and what you want sounds completely reasonable so far, don't overcomplicate it further by voluntarily introducing lots of other people's opinions and preferences when you are already worrying about pleasing / not inconveniencing your guests. You are much, much better off just setting your plan and sending out invites based on that plan.
Finally, it sounds like we have the exact same mom and I am really sorry she made you feel that way. I'm turning 38 this year and it's only been within the last couple years that I've been able to easily and successfully brush off her unhelpful feedback like the kind she gave you. You will get there, too.
posted by anderjen at 12:05 PM on March 26, 2019 [3 favorites]
Agreed with other posters that you don't have to rent a pub room for your birthday, but respectfully disagree also - this is a very reasonable type of party to throw, and OP should do this if this is the party they want.
Check in again with the pub and see how they usually handle it, because words are so subject to interpretation, and what you describe $25 minimum and $10 deposit (sorry I have to use $ because I am lame with knowing my currencies symbols on my keyboard) could mean a few things, and sounds like you didn't interpret it the way I might (specifically reclaiming your deposit).
Consider: you give the bar $200 ($10 deposit for 20 ppl). 20 people show up, and they order an average of $18, and pay through their server as they usually would (ask the bar if parties usually do single check or individual tabs, but guests and bar handle all the money, it doesn't go through you explicitly). Then at the end of the night, the bar comes to you and says, we've got ($18*20ppl = $360) and the total tab for the night is ($25*20=$500) of which you've already paid $200, so here's your $60 change. Important thing to ask - if only 15 people show up, is the total tab for the night $25*20 or $25*15? If 23 people show up, will they have seats? Should ask about deadline to change the reservation (if someone adds/cancels morning of vs day before) and cosnider that in relation to how reliable your friends are. Consider also what's the pub menu like - if friend Pat buys a pint and a sandwich, is that $10 or more like $20? You should consider where the $25 level falls with respect to the average amount someone might naturally spend (and does your friend group average 3 pints or 0.5?)
Also consider the frame you're putting on this. Is your goal to get your deposit back, or are you basically ok with spending a certain amount on hosting. i.e. that $200 covers you not cleaning your flat or cooking anything. If you're ok with just spending the $200, then I'd encourage you to pre-order some snacks for when people are arriving. Maybe some of your friends will slip you a $5 to chip in at the end, maybe others will attempt to make their whole meal off free apps, but that depends on your friends.
My longwinded point is, there are a lot of ways in which this is a great party. It may not be your mother's style, but that's okay. You say you don't have a close friend who you can ask to do the organizing, but do you have a friend whose social opinion you trust, who can give you a reality-check vs your mother's expectations? Talk them through your idea and see what they think of it, in the context of knowing the invitees.
posted by aimedwander at 12:11 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Check in again with the pub and see how they usually handle it, because words are so subject to interpretation, and what you describe $25 minimum and $10 deposit (sorry I have to use $ because I am lame with knowing my currencies symbols on my keyboard) could mean a few things, and sounds like you didn't interpret it the way I might (specifically reclaiming your deposit).
Consider: you give the bar $200 ($10 deposit for 20 ppl). 20 people show up, and they order an average of $18, and pay through their server as they usually would (ask the bar if parties usually do single check or individual tabs, but guests and bar handle all the money, it doesn't go through you explicitly). Then at the end of the night, the bar comes to you and says, we've got ($18*20ppl = $360) and the total tab for the night is ($25*20=$500) of which you've already paid $200, so here's your $60 change. Important thing to ask - if only 15 people show up, is the total tab for the night $25*20 or $25*15? If 23 people show up, will they have seats? Should ask about deadline to change the reservation (if someone adds/cancels morning of vs day before) and cosnider that in relation to how reliable your friends are. Consider also what's the pub menu like - if friend Pat buys a pint and a sandwich, is that $10 or more like $20? You should consider where the $25 level falls with respect to the average amount someone might naturally spend (and does your friend group average 3 pints or 0.5?)
Also consider the frame you're putting on this. Is your goal to get your deposit back, or are you basically ok with spending a certain amount on hosting. i.e. that $200 covers you not cleaning your flat or cooking anything. If you're ok with just spending the $200, then I'd encourage you to pre-order some snacks for when people are arriving. Maybe some of your friends will slip you a $5 to chip in at the end, maybe others will attempt to make their whole meal off free apps, but that depends on your friends.
My longwinded point is, there are a lot of ways in which this is a great party. It may not be your mother's style, but that's okay. You say you don't have a close friend who you can ask to do the organizing, but do you have a friend whose social opinion you trust, who can give you a reality-check vs your mother's expectations? Talk them through your idea and see what they think of it, in the context of knowing the invitees.
posted by aimedwander at 12:11 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
So, your mother is not exactly wrong about the etiquette and inviting people to things but expecting them to pay, but she isn't exactly right, either.
In traditional etiquette, inviting people to someone but expecting them to pay would be very bad. Just not done. But most younger people have never experienced the traditional concept of hospitality where the host foots the bill for a whole party like this, so they will not expect it and won't get pearl clutchy when asked to pay. In fact, my experience is that if you throw a party in a restaurant that you intend to pay for but do not say so explicitly, younger people will assume they will be asked to pay and some of them will decline because they can't afford the restaurant you chose.
I think, though, with half of your budget, and the room minimums, you can get to a happy path that you want without paying out your whole budget. Make the reservation, and use your budget to pay the deposit that they are looking for -- that's $200 (pounds, I know, but I don't want to go looking for how to make a pound symbol on a Canadian multi-lingual keyboard). Dedicate that money to a bunch of appetizer platters to be shared among the guests.
Then, on the night of, have drinks and other food orders be individual bills or cash-and-carry, depending on the preferences of the pub. People who want more to eat can order food and pay for their own. People who are drinking will order drinks. On the very, very unlikely chance that 20 friends don't managed to run up the other $300 worth of the bill, you can cover the shortfall out of the rest of your budget, but that is certainly super unlikely to happen.
Now you've both shown hospitality to your guests (your mom will be half-pleased) and not spent all your money on this party (your wallet will be half-pleased). Your friends got some free chips or whatever, and bought their own drinks which they were no doubt expecting anyway.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:12 PM on March 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
In traditional etiquette, inviting people to someone but expecting them to pay would be very bad. Just not done. But most younger people have never experienced the traditional concept of hospitality where the host foots the bill for a whole party like this, so they will not expect it and won't get pearl clutchy when asked to pay. In fact, my experience is that if you throw a party in a restaurant that you intend to pay for but do not say so explicitly, younger people will assume they will be asked to pay and some of them will decline because they can't afford the restaurant you chose.
I think, though, with half of your budget, and the room minimums, you can get to a happy path that you want without paying out your whole budget. Make the reservation, and use your budget to pay the deposit that they are looking for -- that's $200 (pounds, I know, but I don't want to go looking for how to make a pound symbol on a Canadian multi-lingual keyboard). Dedicate that money to a bunch of appetizer platters to be shared among the guests.
Then, on the night of, have drinks and other food orders be individual bills or cash-and-carry, depending on the preferences of the pub. People who want more to eat can order food and pay for their own. People who are drinking will order drinks. On the very, very unlikely chance that 20 friends don't managed to run up the other $300 worth of the bill, you can cover the shortfall out of the rest of your budget, but that is certainly super unlikely to happen.
Now you've both shown hospitality to your guests (your mom will be half-pleased) and not spent all your money on this party (your wallet will be half-pleased). Your friends got some free chips or whatever, and bought their own drinks which they were no doubt expecting anyway.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:12 PM on March 26, 2019 [4 favorites]
A bunch of my friends have done some version of: pick a place for a larger group to meet on your celebration day at 8 or 9 PM and grab dinner before that with a small group of close buds. (Not only will they be happy to pay for their dinners, they’ll most likely want to cover your meal as well, because it’s your birthday!) Send an email out to your larger group about two weeks in advance saying “hey guys, I’m celebrating my 30th at Bar ABC on [date] and I’d love to celebrate with you! Please come by anytime after X PM.” Then send a reminder out a couple days before the event.
posted by sallybrown at 12:46 PM on March 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by sallybrown at 12:46 PM on March 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
If your mother is very insistent, ask her to sponsor the party.
posted by AugustWest at 12:52 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by AugustWest at 12:52 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
I agree completely with jacquilynne, but I just wanted to add that you might try a slightly different tack with restaurants/pubs. Instead of asking about renting a room, just ask about making a reservation for a party of 16-18 (some people will not show up, even if they RSVP positively). In my experience (in the US) this is completely normal, and the venue will simply reserve a private room (if they have one) for you. You also see "mandatory gratuities" of 18-20% added to the bill for parties that large, but you shouldn't have to worry about that in the UK, I don't think... Perhaps this strategy doesn't work in non-tipping cultures?
In any case, if you want to completely avoid any assumptions that you are footing the bill, you can enlist your closest friend to send the invitations on your behalf saying something like "Join us in celebrating terretu's 30th at blah blah..." This should make it crystal clear that folks will be paying their own way.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:56 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
In any case, if you want to completely avoid any assumptions that you are footing the bill, you can enlist your closest friend to send the invitations on your behalf saying something like "Join us in celebrating terretu's 30th at blah blah..." This should make it crystal clear that folks will be paying their own way.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:56 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
The pub shouldn't charge you more for the room if you have more people show up. The room should have a flat cost. Trying to pay for anything upfront as a per-person cost is quite confusing. You don't really know how many people will show up, especially if they can bring guests.
I'd recommend re-approaching the pib that you want to hold the event at. Ask them what the food and beverage minimum is (not per person, just the cost for the room) to reserve the room. Find out what the maximum amount of people allowed in the room. Then ask what they need for a deposit (flat fee, not per person).
For example they may say that the food & beverage minimum is £500, with a £200 deposit.
If I were in your shoes, I'd pay for that £200 up front, and expect that your friends will be able to cover the £300 in their own payments on the day-of. If there's a shortfall, then you should anticipate paying it. But if all goes well, does that mean that the deposit comes back to you?
(Sometimes the deposit is the first part of the payment; sometimes 'deposit' is returned to you afterward, as if to protect the bar from any potential damages.)
But honestly, it might be easier to just find a space in a park or at your house and hold a pot-luck or order a bunch of pizzas or thai food. For the same £200, you could get a fair amount of food. If your house is tight on space, maybe have an 'open house' where people may be more likely to come and go?
posted by hydra77 at 1:14 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
I'd recommend re-approaching the pib that you want to hold the event at. Ask them what the food and beverage minimum is (not per person, just the cost for the room) to reserve the room. Find out what the maximum amount of people allowed in the room. Then ask what they need for a deposit (flat fee, not per person).
For example they may say that the food & beverage minimum is £500, with a £200 deposit.
If I were in your shoes, I'd pay for that £200 up front, and expect that your friends will be able to cover the £300 in their own payments on the day-of. If there's a shortfall, then you should anticipate paying it. But if all goes well, does that mean that the deposit comes back to you?
(Sometimes the deposit is the first part of the payment; sometimes 'deposit' is returned to you afterward, as if to protect the bar from any potential damages.)
But honestly, it might be easier to just find a space in a park or at your house and hold a pot-luck or order a bunch of pizzas or thai food. For the same £200, you could get a fair amount of food. If your house is tight on space, maybe have an 'open house' where people may be more likely to come and go?
posted by hydra77 at 1:14 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Another vote for fronting the deposit. Sounds like that's your preferred option, you have some financial flexibility and that would be a nice way to do it for both you and your friends. Then they only have to spend 15 pounds instead of 25, and there's less stress for everyone.
It would be nice if that total (dinner money collected) went over, if the restaurant would reimburse you for the upfront part but that's probably unlikely.
I just read a thing about birthday anxiety last night (guess who also has one coming up??) and it said that you should definitely make plans in advance and mark the day with others. So, stick to your instincts, and have a great party in the reserved room.
(Also on re-read, depending on where you live, check around for other pubs and see if they have different minimum costs etc- but only if you want to!! You have the friends, finances, and location, just do exactly what you want to do).
posted by bquarters at 1:48 PM on March 26, 2019
It would be nice if that total (dinner money collected) went over, if the restaurant would reimburse you for the upfront part but that's probably unlikely.
I just read a thing about birthday anxiety last night (guess who also has one coming up??) and it said that you should definitely make plans in advance and mark the day with others. So, stick to your instincts, and have a great party in the reserved room.
(Also on re-read, depending on where you live, check around for other pubs and see if they have different minimum costs etc- but only if you want to!! You have the friends, finances, and location, just do exactly what you want to do).
posted by bquarters at 1:48 PM on March 26, 2019
You should absolutely have a party! I encourage you to do so and wanted to chime in that in my late thirties experiments it’s totally absolutely normal to be invited and pay ones own way at these kinds of parties. The only times I’ve been invited and treated by the host have been really small family events where the person hosting is much older and richer. Among friends it’s normal to be invited to a certain bar or restaurant and have to buy food/drinks and unless it’s a crazy expensive place nothing I’d think twice aboit. I hope you have a really lovely party and enjoy the time with your friends and family.
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:30 PM on March 26, 2019
posted by SpaceWarp13 at 2:30 PM on March 26, 2019
FWIW I think the idea that of paying for all your party invitees is a relic from a time when people could afford homes and saw upward wage growth and had no massive educational debts and it was just a different damn time. I will clutch pearls about my peers having parties where their guests pay for dinner when my peers have the same relative economic power our previous generation had.
posted by sestaaak at 3:22 PM on March 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by sestaaak at 3:22 PM on March 26, 2019 [2 favorites]
Happy Birthday!! I love your party idea. I would totally come to it if I knew you. I would pay for my own food, very gladly indeed. I would chip in to pay for yours too. I would buy you a drink, and you'd add it to the others that you haven't got around to drinking yet because _everyone_ has bought you a drink. Then we'd all sing Happy Birthday, and you certainly wouldn't have to make a speech or any other nonsense from the Olden Days. Your mum will have fun too, even if she thinks it's a load of young people who are Doing It Wrong, because hey - things are different now & it's still fun, no-one even has pearls to clutch any more.
But, maybe ask some different pubs? Some charge for their room hire, some don't. Some set minimum spend levels per head, some don't. Some have a great big table in the back where you could all sit, and you don't need a private room at all, just go the to the bar & order. Ask three or four places, and I'm sure some of the logistic trickiness will melt away & you can focus on it being a lovely time with your friends.
You should so do it. It'll be such a fun night.
posted by rd45 at 3:38 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
But, maybe ask some different pubs? Some charge for their room hire, some don't. Some set minimum spend levels per head, some don't. Some have a great big table in the back where you could all sit, and you don't need a private room at all, just go the to the bar & order. Ask three or four places, and I'm sure some of the logistic trickiness will melt away & you can focus on it being a lovely time with your friends.
You should so do it. It'll be such a fun night.
posted by rd45 at 3:38 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
Happy birthday! I attend big group meals in pubs in England to celebrate things often enough to know, and would feel confident in saying that:
In terms of making people clear about what they order and making that bit go smoothly, I'd say it's a very good idea to circulate the menu to the WhatsApp group of invitees the day before and talk about it, so everyone's thought about it ahead of time, and ordering the food and enjoying each other's company don't clash too much with each other.
posted by ambrosen at 4:30 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
- Your deposit will be credited to the bill.
- They'll likely add a service charge to the bill but hopefully your friends are good enough to take that into account when calculating their share.
- They will happily take the card machine round the table for everyone to pay their bit.
- As long as everybody has a main, and a reasonable amount of drinks and starters, if it's a little bit under the per head minimum, it'll probably be OK.
- Everyone I know would totally be OK with paying their own way.
In terms of making people clear about what they order and making that bit go smoothly, I'd say it's a very good idea to circulate the menu to the WhatsApp group of invitees the day before and talk about it, so everyone's thought about it ahead of time, and ordering the food and enjoying each other's company don't clash too much with each other.
posted by ambrosen at 4:30 PM on March 26, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Those giant group birthday dinners are kind of a drag for all the reasons you've considered, including puzzling out the bill at the end of the night. 20 people is a LOT for that kind of thing. What about scaling your dinner idea down to your ten closest friends? Or is there a reason you can't go REALLY low-key and just ask people to meet you at a bar somewhere? Maybe there's a bar you like that serves food and/or allows you to get pizza delivered? That is about as easy as it gets.
(I never like to throw parties for myself either, but I did have people over for a small party on my 30th birthday, and it was great!)
posted by cakelite at 11:08 AM on March 26, 2019 [2 favorites]