How can my husband help?

February 24, 2006 6:24 AM

What can my husband do to help my depression?

I have depression. It's pretty bad most of the time, and when it gets especially severe, my husband keeps asking me what he can do to cheer me up. He feels helpless and frustrated because I can't tell him what to do to make things better. Because I cannot think of a single thing he can do or say to make anything even the slightest bit better, because nothing can or will make any difference. I'm already doing everything that I'm supposed to do to make this hell go away, and none of it is working. I'm seeing a psychistrist, I'm undergoing assessment for therapy, I'm continuing to get out of bed and go to work even though it's the last thing I want to do. I'm even exercising to the point of sweaty exhaustion five times a week (running and aerobics). Nothing makes the slightest bit of difference.

My main anxiety/worry is that I'm between medications at the moment, because my psychiatrist wants to try Prozac. So I have two weeks of weaning off the Cymbalta, and then it'll be another month before the Prozac starts to do anything at all. Assuming it does anything - five different SSRIs have all failed on me before. Things are getting very difficult for me right now in terms of the severity of my depression, and I'm worried about the effect this is going to have on my husband's own emotional wellbeing. I feel so guilty that this is so difficult for him. Can anyone suggest simple, concrete things that I can tell him to do either for me or for himself that will at least help him to feel like he's doing *something*?

posted by talitha_kumi to health (23 comments total)

Speaking as a former sufferer, I've come to realise that depression makes you a selfish, difficult person (not that you can help it, but you can't care for others when you're going through a particular low). One thing I found to be very helpful was to have my partner act normal: go out and do the things he wanted to do, socialise with mates.

It took the pressure off of me to try to be happy - or worse - entertain others and my partner. He was able to have some semblance of a life. Seeing him act as he would normally meant that I had a healthy role model and that he wouldn't enable me to feel sorry for myself. It also meant that he and I could take small baby-steps when I was getting better.

Best of luck. It's a long, hard road, but you will get through it.
posted by katiecat at 6:34 AM on February 24, 2006

Is he speaking with your shrink, too?
Living with a depressed spouse can be very taxing. Especially if the depressed person is still in the process of finding the correct meds. Getting the spouse involved with the therapy might help.
posted by Thorzdad at 6:37 AM on February 24, 2006

Hi. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Depression truly does suck. Even though you're excercising a lot, I think that you and your husband should work on keeping active in a gentle sort of way. Just get out of the house. Go for a walk. Talk if you feel like it. Keep it simple, it doesn't have to be long, just so long as the two of you are out together briefly in the outside world.
posted by Sara Anne at 6:38 AM on February 24, 2006

I think it depends on what you have the most trouble with, but here are some ideas:

If you have trouble keeping your living space clean and that stresses you out, ask him to clean it for you or help you clean it.

If you have trouble getting yourself out of bed and to work, ask him to order you around step by step (get up, go shower, put on a pair of pants...), drag you around, etc. It feels really good to know somebody cares whether you get up or not.

If you're feeling suicidal, ask him to remind you over and over how much he cares about you and to give you lots of reasons and examples. It might not make you feel better about life, but it might make you want to hang in there more.

If you're having a lot of irrational negative thoughts, ask him to let you tell you all of them. Keep the mood light and wail and be melodramatic when you say things like "the world is a disaster and everything's horrible and nobody likes me." Ideally you both should end up laughing about this, even though these are thoughts that really do run through your head. Also, ask him to relentlessly contradict these irrational thoughts.
posted by nevers at 6:39 AM on February 24, 2006 [1 favorite]

Tell him you love that he's so concerned for you, but to carry on with his own life (work and fun activities) as best as he can. Tell him you're making a huge effort to be as functional as possible and you really appreciate that he's cutting you some slack. You could give him some little supportive tasks. If I were you, I'd use the opportunity to score a nightly massage;-)

Your problem is kind of like a knee injury in that it's something you both need to work around. You do your best to keep going, he does little things to accomodate you, but otherwise you live life as normally as possible, rather than making your disability the centre of your relationship.
posted by orange swan at 6:39 AM on February 24, 2006

You can't change people. Your husband is already "there for you", the question is - are you there for him? You say you don't even have the motivation to get up and go to work in the mornings, that's pretty severe.

Is this same mood invasive throughout your day, even expressed when you are disconnected from work and other sources of stress and attempting to enjoy his company? That would probably be why he's asking what he can do to help - you don't seem to be doing enough for yourself.

As you say: I feel so guilty that this is so difficult for him. Can anyone suggest simple, concrete things that I can tell him to do either for me or for himself that will at least help him to feel like he's doing *something*?

You feel guilty, yet he's the one who needs an adjustment becuase he feels helpless? Be there for him, be a real honest emotional person - not someone between anti-depressants, not someone on their fifth "try" at medication - not someone who was "too tired to get up to goto work in the morning" when you get home. It'll be like night and day.
posted by prostyle at 7:06 AM on February 24, 2006

Prostyle, when things get bad (about two days in three, lately) the only emotions I have are despair, guilt, desperation and self-hatred. It's not something I can turn off when I feel like it. I already do everything I can possibly think of to act like a normal person. What I was asking for was some way I can help my husband by being able to give him an answer the next time he cuddles me with puppy-dog eyes whilst I'm trying not to suffocate with crying and asks me to tell him what to do. Rest assured that if I was able to snap out of this, I'd have done so two years ago when it first started. I"m not like this because I enjoy it, you know.
posted by talitha_kumi at 7:12 AM on February 24, 2006

prostyle, that was un-called-for. If the poster could do more for herself, she would, that's clear enough, and a depressed state is not something one can switch on and off, believe me. Her husband is desperate to help and feels powerless.

talitha, I'd emphasise how much he already is helping, if I were you. I've been through a similar situation and it was really horrible for both of us, but telling him that he was already being helpful was useful sometimes. I'm better now.
posted by altolinguistic at 7:17 AM on February 24, 2006

His concern for you already says that he's doing what he needs to. He just needs to be there for you when you're ready to let him help. From experience. I know just how you feel, but I can't imagine the pain and suffering my SO and family went through whilst I was wallowing in my pit of self loathing. The best thing my partner did for me was to be there throughout, dealing with all the day to day stuff that was just too much for me to cope with without complaining that I wasn't doing it. And for her still be there when I finally began to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck with your journey.
posted by hmca at 7:19 AM on February 24, 2006

Does he exercise with you? Maybe get a beginner-level yoga tape/DVD (assuming you're both beginners) to do together; just moving in tandem with your partner creates a sense of teamwork and intimacy without taxing your emotional resources. If nothing else, the stress-relief benefits might do him some good and the flexibility might help your running.

Like the others have said, he needs to be encouraged to do his own thing some of the time. It's very easy for him to make his entire life about you, and that's not going to do him or you any good. Preventing burnout is important.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:20 AM on February 24, 2006

I was not trying to be flippant or suggest something as inane as "your depression stems from your depression". Just look at what everyone is saying - give him room, be a little more flexible, etc. None of this has any root with the affliction itself or her behaviour. I've lived with incredibly depressed people, "diagnosed" bi-polars, and manic depressive schizophrenic individuals. I've lost many of them to self destructive actions centered around their afflictions.

I do not take psychological issues lightly and would not make a comment in derision of her (or the spouses) character. There is a large amount you can do with your overall mental pattern that has nothing to do with drugs or the renovation of your social atmosphere and everything to do with your outlook. I apologize if you thought my message was caustic, feel free to ignore it.

What I was asking for was some way I can help my husband by being able to give him an answer the next time he cuddles me with puppy-dog eyes whilst I'm trying not to suffocate with crying and asks me to tell him what to do.

He can't change you, nobody can. You are the answer.
posted by prostyle at 7:33 AM on February 24, 2006

I would agree with the stressing he continue to live as normal. I've been through some pretty bad bouts of medicated depression myself, though probably not to your extent, so I can at least imagine where you're coming from. As for having him talk to your psychiatrist, you could bring it up with the doc, but mine wouldn't do it. Her viewpoint on the matter was that it would mess up our patient/doctor relationship as if we saw her together there could be the chance I'd think she was taking sides and if my wife saw her by herself, I'd start to think the same thing.

Of course, since this was my psychiatrist talking, she probably just knew how my messed up brain worked :) If your doc has the same thoughts as mine, you might suggest your husband look into some books on being married to a severely depressed person.

Oh, and I would also disagree with about half of nevers' suggestions. When I was depressed, if my wife had ordered or dragged me around or tried to get me to laugh at my negative thoughts, I'd wind up being quite resentful of her. Then again, that's probably exactly what my doctor would say :)

So just tell him the best things he can do for you are to stay normal, stay happy, and keep his eye on your family stuff (bills, cleaning, dealing with people). Not that he needs to take over the family stuff, but that there will be times you'll have to let it slide.
posted by Moondoggie at 7:33 AM on February 24, 2006

Sounds to me like she knows that, porstyle. That's why she's not asking for thingsher husband can do to fix her - she's asking for things she can tell him he can do so that he feels like he's helping. She doesn't want to be fixed by him and she doesn't want to be fixed by us. She just wants to make sure her spouse is taken care of. Plus, at least with me, it's nice to be able to tell them anything just so they won't ask again. It can be really frustrating to have someone ask to help you when you don't know any ways that they can. Being the depressed person is a lot different than being the person in love with the depressed person.
posted by Moondoggie at 7:37 AM on February 24, 2006

It can be really frustrating to have someone ask to help you when you don't know any ways that they can.

Yup. I've been in this position too. I remember saying, "I know you feel bad that I don't feel better," and she said, "Yes, exactly!" (She was having trouble articulating it herself.) The thing is, on top of dealing with my own issues, knowing that it was causing pain for someone else added to my own depression, which in turn made her feel bad, which in turn...and so on.

All in all, I think the advice of telling your husband to just try to act as normal as possible is good advice. He's not going to stop worrying about you, but maybe if he understands that the worrying and the fussing is actually adding to your anxiety, he will be able to help by pulling back a bit.

He should still feel free to ask how you're doing, though, and he should be very much in the loop with regard to your meds, your therapy, your routines. And if you should start exhibiting any serious signs like not going to work or not taking your meds, he should know to step in rather than look the other way.
posted by Gator at 7:50 AM on February 24, 2006

Is he speaking with your shrink, too?
posted by Thorzdad at 2:37 PM GMT on February 24 [!]

When TK got stuck in a yoyo position between an external psych doing admissions and an internal psych trying to discharge, he told them they couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery and was asked to refrain from attending again. He didn't even get angry.

Being told to keep out of the theraputic system did very little to improve his opinions of said system.
posted by twine42 at 8:06 AM on February 24, 2006

Tell him what he is already doing that you appreciate, and tell him that it helps you. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know exactly what will make me feel better, but your love and support help a lot."

As far as "acting normal" - I would phrase it more as "encourage him to do things he enjoys and that make him happy." I'm not saying that he should "act happy" for you - but seeing him feel good probably helps you to feel good.
posted by KAS at 8:10 AM on February 24, 2006

There's much good advice here for how to make this painful situation a little easier for your partner. You didn't mention how extensively you've talked with him about what it means to have depression- I don't mean about the sadness you feel, but how much he knows about depression as an illness, how the various drugs work, what the options are- and I wondered if that might help. Even very caring and savvy partners can benefit from knowing more about symptoms, diagnosis, treatment options, etc. It's often a relief for them to understand in a substantive way that a) this is an illness, not a personality problem and b) like any serious and complicated illness, it's not uncommon to have to try a bunch of things before you can find one that works. This can alleviate some of the guilt and helplessness people feel when thay want to make someone feel better and they can't.

Other than that, I'd second most of what's been said here, (with the exception of prostyle's comment, which is astoundingly irrelevant to your situation, and sounds like something lifted from archives of Dr. Laura). One thing people haven't yet mentioned is that make sure he knows- well, actually, make sure both of you know- that Cymbalta withdrawal can be particulalry tough. Many psychiatrists don't have a good grasp on how difficult it can be to get off of many anti-depressants, and don't prepare patients (or their partners, for that matter) properly for coping. Cymbalta withdrawal can make the depression (seemingly) much worse than it was before, and you may have scary thoughts and behaviors that you didn't have before (such as paranoia and extreme anxiety). You may feel that these are signs that you've finally gone over the edge, but it is crucial that he understand- and be able to remind you- that these are **temporary** symptoms of withdrawal, **not** further decline. So be merciful and compassionare with yourself, and help him help you do that. You haven't mentioned suicidal thoughts, but if you have them you should go to an emergency room so you can get help, quick and no shame allowed, to bridge the gap between now and when things get better (for a very honest- and potentially helpful- account of one person's survival of a depressive crisis, in between failing medications, you can read Heather Armstrong's blogging of her time in the hospital at dooce.com).

In the agonizing meantime, consider together the next six weeks as a finite length of time, after which you will have more information about what works and what doesn't. The analogy is an imprecise one, but one strategy is to think of how you two might prepare for, say, a six-week recovery from a surgical procedure. Remind yourself to eat, for example, by asking him to do the shopping and Chinese food ordering to be sure you have food you like in the house. And there are a few strategic things you can do for yourself- if you don't have a NetFlix subscription already, start one now, and feel no shame when all you can do get through the next two hours is to pop a Benny Hill DVD in as soon as you wake up. Followed by nine straight hours of same. Without shame. Whatever your film tastes, keep it light. Absolutely no Fassbinder. Your goal is to get through the day by whatever means necessary. Keep up your extraordinary effort to make it to the gym everyday- it may not make you feel better, but it will help prevent you from feeling worse and it's good to leave the house at least once a day when you can (which is why I think the in-house excercise DVD has its drawbacks). I'm not sure what your work situation is, but consider what elements of external stress you can reduce or defer for the time being. These suggestions, I know, may seem inadequate, and offer only marginal relief. But what you're looking for is anything that will offer any degree of relief, even if its marginal. Strategies of minimization don't make things ok, but they can make things a little bit easier.

And while you haven't mentioned some of the broader issues involved- such as specific drugs, medical history, and how you feel about your doctor- remember that there are pscyhiatrists who specialize in what's called "treatment refractory" depression, and that many otherwise perfectly competent shrinks are sometimes reluctant to admit that they need a second opinion. You may, for example, have a varation on depression that requires a completely different class of drugs- and which would explain why the SSRI's haven't helped you, and you may want to ask your doctor why he's asking you to hold out for the Prozac when you are feeling so terrible when you've had such bad luck with SSRIs. And that's the other part. There are other drugs that take effect much more quickly than the SSRIs, and- if your doctor really beleives that it's going to be Prozac that does the job- will at the very least will help you bridge the gap. You may have many more options than you think, and you deserve to know what they are.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 8:23 AM on February 24, 2006

Good luck on the Prozac. I hope it is the one that ends up working, bc I know depression sucks.

In no particular order, I brainstormed a list of concrete things he can do:

* Clean out the car
* Pack your lunch for tomorrow
* Get all the alcohol out of the house (dunno if this is an issue for you, but alcohol always seems like a good idea to me when I'm depressed and usually isn't)
* Get all the junk food out of the house (see above)
* Do something to brighten up your physical surroundings, even if it seems stupid - ie, if you think yellow is a cheerful color get him to paint a wall yellow. Or just buy some fresh flowers. Sounds stupid now, but a bunch of little things can sometimes help.
* Research full-spectrum lights and get one for you

For you: mentally scan your life and identify those areas where you think, "oh, man, I really don't want to deal with THAT." Taxes spring to mind at this time of year, but you know what's in your life now. Make up a list of tiny tasks associated with those items and give him the list. That way he has things to do and you feel like the business side of life is progressing, even in areas you can't deal with now.
posted by selfmedicating at 10:56 AM on February 24, 2006

He could get involved in a spouses and partners support group. I don't know about depression, but for bipolar there is BPSO (bipolar significant others). This would give him an opportunity to meet other people who have been through the same experience.
posted by Lazlo Hollyfeld at 12:16 PM on February 24, 2006

I have no help for your hubby issue but...

and then it'll be another month before the Prozac starts to do anything at all.

Well if it makes you feel any better the odds are this is not the case. While it'll take that long for the prozac to 'settle in' and be fully effective, a large number of people (myself among them) report some improvement in under a week. When you're lugging around 400lb even having 100 taken off your shoulders feels better.
posted by phearlez at 1:07 PM on February 24, 2006

BTW get into some natural sunlight if you can. I don't have seasonal depression but I am bipolar, and the doc told me sunlight really does help with depression in general. He was right.

Hey, tell your hubby to research depression for you on the net. There might actually be some helpful suggestions out there plus he will feel like he is actually doing something concretely helpful.
posted by konolia at 1:23 PM on February 24, 2006

My wife suffered from Depression for a few years, no matter what I done nothing worked. She does anti-depressants, so did both of her brothers and her parents did. So for her whenever she was down she relied on them.

However, she was taking medication. We had a good talk about getting off the medication, at first it was bad but I just gave her as much loving and caring as possible. After a few months she was fine, personally I think the medication doesnt help as it just numbs the person taking it.

Take life head on and try and not reply on medication that makes you worse (unless you have attempted suicide).

4 years has passed now and my wife is fine in herself. Her family still takes the anti-depression drugs and whenever she is down they try and get her to go on them again. She is strong enough now to enjoy life without being numb.
posted by spinko at 3:03 PM on February 24, 2006

spinko, while I respect the position that there are alternatives to medications for depression, for some people this is simply not a viable alternative. I am prone to depression. At times in my life, I have been able to pull myself out of oncoming depression with exercise and other "natural" means, but at other times, I required medication just to function as a normal human being. Making people feel shameful or guilty about relying on medication is not helpful for anyone. Believe me, when I have to go on medication, my goal is to get well enough to give them up. For some people, they will need medication for the rest of their lives. Medication does not add anything extra to someone's body, it replaces something that isn't there in the first place.

Also, kudos to you for supporting your wife through what must have been a very difficult time. I'm sure your support was able to make a difference for her. Unfortunately, the most loving spouses are not able to pull all of us out of that terrible void.
posted by kamikazegopher at 7:59 PM on February 24, 2006