Considering hiring an au pair - what to look into?
March 9, 2019 11:04 AM Subscribe
My family is considering hosting an au pair and would like to hear experiences and advice.
My family has two kids who are early elementary age. We are considering the possibility of hosting an au pair - I'd say we are in the early stages of considering it. I haven't found much online apart from ads for agencies. We don't know a lot of people who have done this, so would like advice from those who have, either as host families or working as an au pair (in the US).
Some specific questions:
- What agency did you use and how did you choose an agency?
- What did you look for in screening candidates?
- How did you set expectations (both for the family and the au pair) to avoid disappointment?
- What do you think is most important to do to make the process successful?
My family has two kids who are early elementary age. We are considering the possibility of hosting an au pair - I'd say we are in the early stages of considering it. I haven't found much online apart from ads for agencies. We don't know a lot of people who have done this, so would like advice from those who have, either as host families or working as an au pair (in the US).
Some specific questions:
- What agency did you use and how did you choose an agency?
- What did you look for in screening candidates?
- How did you set expectations (both for the family and the au pair) to avoid disappointment?
- What do you think is most important to do to make the process successful?
Au pair, as a concept, is just as much a language and culture learning experience for the au pair as it is a child care service for the family. I’m a study abroad advisor, so naturally I’m way into the cultural experience idea, but I am massively uncomfortable with the idea of a person caring for my children who doesn’t speak enough English to interact with an ambulance crew, for example. Personally, I would only hire someone whose English was advanced to stellar, even if I wanted them to speak to my kids in their own language.
posted by Liesl at 4:56 PM on March 9, 2019
posted by Liesl at 4:56 PM on March 9, 2019
I live in a city and work in an environment with many, many families who have live-in childcare arrangements in which a woman from a poorer country in the region comes to work for the family. By law, the workers cannot change jobs easily without returning to poverty at home and their status in society is very low, so there’s a lot of exploitation.
The domestic workers I have met who say they have the best arrangements have told me:
- they earn much more than the domestic-worker minimum wage (much lower than the normal one!) so they were able to pay off their debts and then save up/invest in their families back home
- their employers provide them with their own safe, lockable space (usually a room of their own)
- their employers cover their healthcare fully, including sexual health, and do not moralise about where the worker goes/who the worker meets in their free time
- they earn enough to be supported in developing their other skills, from learning better English to supporting new arrivals
- dads and mums being involved in childcare as well makes life far easier for everyone
- schools being willing to communicate with the worker makes everything faster - if the worker is doing a school pick-up, they need to be able to manage and communicate a quick chat with a teacher, for example. or sign a permission slip
- homework can be part of the picture, but also parents should not be surprised if the worker has their own way of helping a child complete it based on their own logic, education or upbringing
- parents and the worker need to be 100% on the same page regarding discipline and rules on everything from who wipes a kid’s nose after a sneeze to who gets to decide bedtime
- on the same note, parents must not undermine the worker in front of the children - from there comes a dynamic in which the children bully and even threaten the worker
posted by mdonley at 5:16 PM on March 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
The domestic workers I have met who say they have the best arrangements have told me:
- they earn much more than the domestic-worker minimum wage (much lower than the normal one!) so they were able to pay off their debts and then save up/invest in their families back home
- their employers provide them with their own safe, lockable space (usually a room of their own)
- their employers cover their healthcare fully, including sexual health, and do not moralise about where the worker goes/who the worker meets in their free time
- they earn enough to be supported in developing their other skills, from learning better English to supporting new arrivals
- dads and mums being involved in childcare as well makes life far easier for everyone
- schools being willing to communicate with the worker makes everything faster - if the worker is doing a school pick-up, they need to be able to manage and communicate a quick chat with a teacher, for example. or sign a permission slip
- homework can be part of the picture, but also parents should not be surprised if the worker has their own way of helping a child complete it based on their own logic, education or upbringing
- parents and the worker need to be 100% on the same page regarding discipline and rules on everything from who wipes a kid’s nose after a sneeze to who gets to decide bedtime
- on the same note, parents must not undermine the worker in front of the children - from there comes a dynamic in which the children bully and even threaten the worker
posted by mdonley at 5:16 PM on March 9, 2019 [5 favorites]
Our family has hosted au pairs in our home for almost two years now, but our experience is a bit different as our child is younger (close to three.) IMO there are definite pros and cons to the experience, but a lot of that will really come down to your expectations for the experience and the personality/maturity level of your au pair. A few thoughts -
-There are many different agencies you can use, and unless you are looking to find an au pair who can work with medical issues/special needs, there isn't a lot of difference in their fee structure or process. You will pay one large fee to the agency to cover the au pair's visa and travel arrangements to the US, and then you pay a weekly stipend to the au pair as well as cover costs including food, cell phone, education costs up to a certain dollar amount (for us it was $500), and possible extras like car/gas if you have your au pair drive. It's not cheap but it's also not much more than having, say, a nanny (but all those extra costs can certainly add up.)
-Most of the agencies will represent au pairs from a variety of countries. We found the selection process was easiest when we focused on very specific criteria - we were looking for au pairs who were on the older side (25+), from Central or Southern America, and who had relatively strong English speaking skills.
-The selection process can take a LONG time. It's a lot like online dating; your family has a profile, the au pairs have profiles, and everyone is looking at each other before you even have a phone or video call. The au pairs who speak English well are often pretty heavily courted by families, some who promise a lot of extras (use of car, for example, is a BIG draw.)
-Your geographic location will matter. Depending on where your au pair is coming from, they may be most interested in a big city. Or mountains. Or a beach. Whatever. It's important to include information in your profile about where you live, what's great about the area, and information on activities/fun features that are nearby, especially if your au pair WON'T be driving. Our au pairs have never driven, FWIW, but we live really close to parks, a library, a small "village" and we're one block from a bus line that she can take into downtown.
-They live with you. All the time. One really important personality trait our family actively sought was independence. We asked the au pairs during our interview process if they would prefer to spend weekends with us or exploring/hanging out with friends. Our personal preference is to know that the au pair will be comfortable doing some amount of solo or group exploring without our family so that we can also have some "free" time (and again this is where I think maturity of the au pair helps.) Some host families LOVE doing things all the time with their au pair. YMMV.
-Set boundaries and firm expectations around things like curfews, expectations of cleanliness, how much you want them to help with things like chores, pets, etc. We have never asked anything in the way of housework of our au pair beyond child-related laundry, dishes, etc and in fact it's in violation of policy to do so. A lot of people treat their au pairs horribly. Don't do that.
-Our agency allows up to 45 hours per week with a limit of no more than 10 hours per day and a requirement of 1.5 days off per week consecutively. We change our schedule week to week and LOVE the flexibility.
-Our au pairs (we've had 3) have never been super involved in any kind of education of our child. I mean, they read to him and take him to activities, etc. but they aren't like proactively teaching him any new skills or anything. And we are totally ok with that, but some people have high expectations. As someone else mentioned, au pairs are childcare providers but not educators and often I think their childcare experience has been exaggerated (even though it is verified to some extent.)
I could write a novel but I'll stop - I think I've hit most of my key thoughts. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
posted by DuckGirl at 10:30 AM on March 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
-There are many different agencies you can use, and unless you are looking to find an au pair who can work with medical issues/special needs, there isn't a lot of difference in their fee structure or process. You will pay one large fee to the agency to cover the au pair's visa and travel arrangements to the US, and then you pay a weekly stipend to the au pair as well as cover costs including food, cell phone, education costs up to a certain dollar amount (for us it was $500), and possible extras like car/gas if you have your au pair drive. It's not cheap but it's also not much more than having, say, a nanny (but all those extra costs can certainly add up.)
-Most of the agencies will represent au pairs from a variety of countries. We found the selection process was easiest when we focused on very specific criteria - we were looking for au pairs who were on the older side (25+), from Central or Southern America, and who had relatively strong English speaking skills.
-The selection process can take a LONG time. It's a lot like online dating; your family has a profile, the au pairs have profiles, and everyone is looking at each other before you even have a phone or video call. The au pairs who speak English well are often pretty heavily courted by families, some who promise a lot of extras (use of car, for example, is a BIG draw.)
-Your geographic location will matter. Depending on where your au pair is coming from, they may be most interested in a big city. Or mountains. Or a beach. Whatever. It's important to include information in your profile about where you live, what's great about the area, and information on activities/fun features that are nearby, especially if your au pair WON'T be driving. Our au pairs have never driven, FWIW, but we live really close to parks, a library, a small "village" and we're one block from a bus line that she can take into downtown.
-They live with you. All the time. One really important personality trait our family actively sought was independence. We asked the au pairs during our interview process if they would prefer to spend weekends with us or exploring/hanging out with friends. Our personal preference is to know that the au pair will be comfortable doing some amount of solo or group exploring without our family so that we can also have some "free" time (and again this is where I think maturity of the au pair helps.) Some host families LOVE doing things all the time with their au pair. YMMV.
-Set boundaries and firm expectations around things like curfews, expectations of cleanliness, how much you want them to help with things like chores, pets, etc. We have never asked anything in the way of housework of our au pair beyond child-related laundry, dishes, etc and in fact it's in violation of policy to do so. A lot of people treat their au pairs horribly. Don't do that.
-Our agency allows up to 45 hours per week with a limit of no more than 10 hours per day and a requirement of 1.5 days off per week consecutively. We change our schedule week to week and LOVE the flexibility.
-Our au pairs (we've had 3) have never been super involved in any kind of education of our child. I mean, they read to him and take him to activities, etc. but they aren't like proactively teaching him any new skills or anything. And we are totally ok with that, but some people have high expectations. As someone else mentioned, au pairs are childcare providers but not educators and often I think their childcare experience has been exaggerated (even though it is verified to some extent.)
I could write a novel but I'll stop - I think I've hit most of my key thoughts. Feel free to PM me with any questions.
posted by DuckGirl at 10:30 AM on March 12, 2019 [1 favorite]
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- Read the fine print of what their visas/programs allow. Some can only work a certain number of hours. This may work out if your goal is just after school care.
- Some (many) au pairs are not childcare professionals and some may in fact not be great with kids. Elementary age should be fine, but I would not recommend an au pair coming as primary childcare for an infant or toddler.
- Some want to take community college or other courses.
- Many au pairs are young adults. Having a young adult in your home is likely to be an adjustment. Thinking seriously about what you want that to look like is key. Can they have overnight guests? What about friends over in general? Can they drink or smoke in your home? What about while watching the kids? Do you care what time they come home? How will food work out? How "off duty" are they when you are home and they are in the home too? What are the consequences if they violate your home policies?
- I've heard that au pairs work best when you have a MIL apartment whereby they can have their own space. At the very least a private bedroom and bathroom is key.
posted by k8t at 12:27 PM on March 9, 2019 [2 favorites]