Help me be assertive
February 28, 2019 10:54 AM Subscribe
My roommate’s mom is staying with us for three weeks. I am not okay with this.
I have two roommates and we’re all in our 30s. We each have our own bedroom and I have my own bathroom.
For the second time since I have been living here (5-6 years), my roommate’s parents (first both, now just her mom) have stayed with us for 3-4 weeks. I find this unreasonable but was notified (not asked) on short notice before both trips. Several years ago I told my roommate that I prefer to limit visitors to one week, but this was either forgotten or ignored.
I have misophonia and our house has very poor sound insulation. Every time someone talks, I hear it. I have the flu and I am kind of in an anxiety spiral right now, sitting here with earplugs in and noise-reducing earmuffs from the hardware store over the top so that I don’t hear anything.
I have very little experience being confrontational. And I’m afraid if I bring this up, my roommate would object to my boyfriend staying over ~three (non-consecutive) nights a week (which she has okayed in the past. I asked to make sure.). Are these situations equivalent?
I genuinely like my roommate, her parents are nice, and I understand that lodging in this area would be prohibitively expensive for a stay this long. But this is affecting my physical and mental health. How to I tactfully handle this, recognizing both our needs and without animosity? Is there a way this can be done while preserving our household community?
Before you say, “Just move out,” please note that I am in a rent-controlled unit and moving into a crappy studio would double my rent. I would like to solve this through diplomacy if possible. If I have to, I will suck it up and spend half my take-home pay on mediocre housing that I can have to myself. But that seems like a substantial price to pay to avoid a conversation.
Anonymous because several people IRL are aware of this situation and I would like to keep my account private.
Thanks!
I have two roommates and we’re all in our 30s. We each have our own bedroom and I have my own bathroom.
For the second time since I have been living here (5-6 years), my roommate’s parents (first both, now just her mom) have stayed with us for 3-4 weeks. I find this unreasonable but was notified (not asked) on short notice before both trips. Several years ago I told my roommate that I prefer to limit visitors to one week, but this was either forgotten or ignored.
I have misophonia and our house has very poor sound insulation. Every time someone talks, I hear it. I have the flu and I am kind of in an anxiety spiral right now, sitting here with earplugs in and noise-reducing earmuffs from the hardware store over the top so that I don’t hear anything.
I have very little experience being confrontational. And I’m afraid if I bring this up, my roommate would object to my boyfriend staying over ~three (non-consecutive) nights a week (which she has okayed in the past. I asked to make sure.). Are these situations equivalent?
I genuinely like my roommate, her parents are nice, and I understand that lodging in this area would be prohibitively expensive for a stay this long. But this is affecting my physical and mental health. How to I tactfully handle this, recognizing both our needs and without animosity? Is there a way this can be done while preserving our household community?
Before you say, “Just move out,” please note that I am in a rent-controlled unit and moving into a crappy studio would double my rent. I would like to solve this through diplomacy if possible. If I have to, I will suck it up and spend half my take-home pay on mediocre housing that I can have to myself. But that seems like a substantial price to pay to avoid a conversation.
Anonymous because several people IRL are aware of this situation and I would like to keep my account private.
Thanks!
Honestly if your boyfriend stays over three nights every week I don’t think you have any standing here at all.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 11:03 AM on February 28, 2019 [212 favorites]
posted by goodbyewaffles at 11:03 AM on February 28, 2019 [212 favorites]
Three weeks is a long time for a house guest. However, having someone sleep over nearly half-time on a regular basis who isn't contributing to the rent is also a significant request (3 nights a week equals nearly two weeks over a month), one I think many people would not agree to (without a rent contribution). And twice over 5-6 years is fairly restrained. I say this not because I think it's helpful to litigate these disagreements but to try to inform your sense of the equities.
I also don't quite understand how having one additional person over is unbearable for the misophonia when you routinely have an additional person over yourself, right in your space. I would gently suggest that some of this may be an anxiety issue--not to dismiss it, but to raise the possibility of other routes of addressing it.
Probably the best thing to do is to point out that this is a fair amount of disruption of the normal household routine and ask for whatever you think might ameliorate some of the impact. Can the mom make a modest contribution to the month's rent? Can they do a grocery run for you? Can they take over some portion of the communal chores while they're there? If you phrase it not as an attack or accusation, but as a request for some reciprocal accommodation, and your roommate is otherwise a reasonable person, you can probably reach some agreement.
posted by praemunire at 11:04 AM on February 28, 2019 [30 favorites]
I also don't quite understand how having one additional person over is unbearable for the misophonia when you routinely have an additional person over yourself, right in your space. I would gently suggest that some of this may be an anxiety issue--not to dismiss it, but to raise the possibility of other routes of addressing it.
Probably the best thing to do is to point out that this is a fair amount of disruption of the normal household routine and ask for whatever you think might ameliorate some of the impact. Can the mom make a modest contribution to the month's rent? Can they do a grocery run for you? Can they take over some portion of the communal chores while they're there? If you phrase it not as an attack or accusation, but as a request for some reciprocal accommodation, and your roommate is otherwise a reasonable person, you can probably reach some agreement.
posted by praemunire at 11:04 AM on February 28, 2019 [30 favorites]
Probably an unpopular opinion, but I think you're way out of line to object to your roommate's 3-4 week parental visit once every three years, given that you have a boyfriend staying over 3 nights a week, every week. That means your boyfriend is effectively regularly living in your apartment almost half the time (3/7 of the nights). Do you or does he pay extra utilities so your roommates don't have to shoulder the burden? Consecutive or not, that is far more than what averages out to a one week parental visit every year. If I were your roommate, I'd already be feeling like you were taking advantage of having visitors; if you objected to my parents' visit, given the disparity of visitors between us, I'd be pretty upset. I'm not trying to make you feel bad but simply put forward what might be your roommate's perspective, which is that he/she possibly feels entitled to long guest visits, given your behavior.
posted by ClaireBear at 11:04 AM on February 28, 2019 [67 favorites]
posted by ClaireBear at 11:04 AM on February 28, 2019 [67 favorites]
N-thing that honestly, I was with you until you said that your boyfriend stays over 3 nights a week.
In 5-6 years, your roommate has had people over for 8ish weeks. This works out to about 10 days a year. It sounds like your boyfriend is over for at least 10 days a month.
I totally get that you feel inconvenienced and that your daily routine has been disrupted. (House guests drive me bananas!). I think it’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth the cost of moving out to put up with it every couple years.
posted by tinymegalo at 11:10 AM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
In 5-6 years, your roommate has had people over for 8ish weeks. This works out to about 10 days a year. It sounds like your boyfriend is over for at least 10 days a month.
I totally get that you feel inconvenienced and that your daily routine has been disrupted. (House guests drive me bananas!). I think it’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth the cost of moving out to put up with it every couple years.
posted by tinymegalo at 11:10 AM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]
Can you stay with your boyfriend for some time during those three weeks? I don't think you have any negotiating leverage here.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:11 AM on February 28, 2019 [54 favorites]
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:11 AM on February 28, 2019 [54 favorites]
Go to your boyfriend's place for the duration.
posted by bile and syntax at 11:12 AM on February 28, 2019 [21 favorites]
posted by bile and syntax at 11:12 AM on February 28, 2019 [21 favorites]
That's a long visit to be sure, but twice in six years while your boyfriend effectively lives there almost half the time? Sorry, no, I would not bring this up in any way EXCEPT to ask that you're given much more advance notice so that you can plan your time during their visits accordingly (take a trip, stay over at your boyfriend's place, obtain better soundproofing, whatever else might help you be more comfortable).
posted by anderjen at 11:13 AM on February 28, 2019 [19 favorites]
posted by anderjen at 11:13 AM on February 28, 2019 [19 favorites]
No, I don’t think these situations are equivalent. However, I do think it’s rude to tell, not ask, if someone can have an extended guest for three weeks. I also think it was on you to either reinforce or renegotiate the boundary you previously expressed.
What does your third roommate think? And are you willing to give up the amount of time your boyfriend stays over in exchange for her parent spending less time in the apartment?
posted by sm1tten at 11:16 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
What does your third roommate think? And are you willing to give up the amount of time your boyfriend stays over in exchange for her parent spending less time in the apartment?
posted by sm1tten at 11:16 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
I was indignant for you until i got the part where you have a regular overnight guest yourself. If you want to set a rule thats fine, but be prepared to have to change your habits as well, because saying you prefer to limit guests to a week at a time and then having someone over several times a week sends a conflicting message. While they aren't exactly the same, you aren't realistically any more inconvienced by their visitors than they are by yours.
posted by domino at 11:17 AM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by domino at 11:17 AM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
If you can get a big box fan from Target or Home Depot, it will produce a whirring sound loud enough to drown out a lot of incidental noises and somehow warmer and more comforting than a white noise app. I have such a fan because I live in shared housing and get distracted/kept awake really easily.
posted by Frowner at 11:26 AM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 11:26 AM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]
I agree that neither you nor the roommate are doing a good job at boundaries here, but your most pressing problem is that you don't feel well and this is spiking your anxiety.
As a fellow misophonic, I recommend getting your hands on a white noise machine (this is the cheap one I use in my spare bedroom and take to hotels, this is the tiny one we use in our bedroom that is now the same price as the cheap one, but I have to keep it in a bowl to boost the acoustics and the other one has a bigger speaker area), but you can find slightly more expensive ones in the baby section at Target/Walmart, probably Best Buy has at least one as well. You need to put it between you and the source of noise - I have mine behind the TV pointed at the wall next to the door to the hallway, so it doesn't interfere with me hearing the TV or my computer but makes a "screen" from the rest of the house, especially our thin hollow-core doors that are the biggest sound leaks in the house. You could also try it in the hallway right outside your door, which is how I have set them up for privacy in a multi-office therapy environment in the past. Order an extension cord if you need to, for flexibility.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:28 AM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
As a fellow misophonic, I recommend getting your hands on a white noise machine (this is the cheap one I use in my spare bedroom and take to hotels, this is the tiny one we use in our bedroom that is now the same price as the cheap one, but I have to keep it in a bowl to boost the acoustics and the other one has a bigger speaker area), but you can find slightly more expensive ones in the baby section at Target/Walmart, probably Best Buy has at least one as well. You need to put it between you and the source of noise - I have mine behind the TV pointed at the wall next to the door to the hallway, so it doesn't interfere with me hearing the TV or my computer but makes a "screen" from the rest of the house, especially our thin hollow-core doors that are the biggest sound leaks in the house. You could also try it in the hallway right outside your door, which is how I have set them up for privacy in a multi-office therapy environment in the past. Order an extension cord if you need to, for flexibility.
posted by Lyn Never at 11:28 AM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
Yeah - with you having a guest 3 out of 7 nights a week and them asking for a 3 - 4 week family visit once every 3 years... if it was me, I’d just suck it up and try to be accommodating for the visit. Moving seems like a pretty big reaction to the circumstances you describe. It was a good suggestion upthread that if you can spend more time at your boyfriends during the visit, do it and keep the peace.
I hope you find a workable solution.
posted by kabong the wiser at 11:31 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
I hope you find a workable solution.
posted by kabong the wiser at 11:31 AM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
As perhaps work out an agreeable “quiet time”.
And maybe noise canceling headphones.
posted by kabong the wiser at 11:33 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
And maybe noise canceling headphones.
posted by kabong the wiser at 11:33 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I have some concern. OP agreed to rules. While the bf is a frequent visitor, they are abiding by the terms of the agreement if not the spirit while roommate is not abiding by the agreement. Not sure how averaging overnight stays fits into the agreement of extended stays. This is more of a moral or ethical issue then.
If I were you, I would not make a big deal of it, but I would use the sickness to express concern that you not get parents or anyone sick. I would ask that they limit their down time in the apartment. I would even talk to the parents when they arrive and explain the misophonia and ask for their consideration.
posted by AugustWest at 11:41 AM on February 28, 2019
If I were you, I would not make a big deal of it, but I would use the sickness to express concern that you not get parents or anyone sick. I would ask that they limit their down time in the apartment. I would even talk to the parents when they arrive and explain the misophonia and ask for their consideration.
posted by AugustWest at 11:41 AM on February 28, 2019
I have some concern. OP agreed to rules. While the bf is a frequent visitor, they are abiding by the terms of the agreement if not the spirit while roommate is not abiding by the agreement.
I'm not sure this is accurate. OP said "several years ago I told my roommate that I prefer to limit visitors to one week, but this was either forgotten or ignored." That's not a rule - that's a request.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:46 AM on February 28, 2019 [10 favorites]
I'm not sure this is accurate. OP said "several years ago I told my roommate that I prefer to limit visitors to one week, but this was either forgotten or ignored." That's not a rule - that's a request.
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:46 AM on February 28, 2019 [10 favorites]
It is also not clear if one week meant per year, consecutively or per month or whatever. I chose to interpret is as consecutively.
The bottom line is that this is not a clear cut situation with an obvious answer. I think this time some compromise has to be done on both parties parts and then after the parents leave, a clear and enforceable rule should be agreed upon.
posted by AugustWest at 11:50 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
The bottom line is that this is not a clear cut situation with an obvious answer. I think this time some compromise has to be done on both parties parts and then after the parents leave, a clear and enforceable rule should be agreed upon.
posted by AugustWest at 11:50 AM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
Are you thinking ahead for future visits? If so, it sounds like you'll probably have a good deal of time to try looking for a quieter roommate or apartment (always a gamble) or consider moving in with your boyfriend if that makes sense.
I sympathize with how miserable you must feel right now, though having lived with roommates and their SOs, I also agree very much with the general sentiment in this thread. So I think coping strategies for this visit are your best bet right now, especially because it sounds like the visit has already started, which makes it not a decent or realistic time to take a stand on having her leave. Also just on an emotional level, sometimes you (the general you) can get all worked up and stressed about how to handle a difficult conversation in the optimal, most rewarding, and least disastrous way, and in so doing work up a lot of grievance about how bad the current situation is, and it sounds like at least for now you're best off shelving both the conversation and those feelings.
So: in a few days you'll probably be done with the flu. After which hopefully you can spend some time with your bf, with other friends, and possibly even in a hotel or airbnb for a bit. (Expensive, but so is moving.) Even if this can't account for the entire three weeks, it will effectively make the visit much shorter.
I don't know how your misophonia works but for me sometimes it helps more to listen to music or other audio (with effective headphones or earbuds) than to wear earplugs, because that can be much more distracting (in a good way) and do a better job with the sounds that earplugs might not filter out. Also, good music can be a decent way to change my mood. If you prefer earplugs, look into ordering the really heavy-duty ones; there are different gradations and the ones you get at the drugstore might not be enough. Some white noise in addition to the earplugs or music might also help (as in, a fan or an actual white noise machine running in the background).
If you like your roommate and you don't generally mind being social, see if spending some time with her and her mother helps a little - that is, come out to the common areas when they're there rather than hunkering down in your room. Conversation might ultimately be less irritating.
Every if you live alone there is always the chance of noisy neighbors, construction, poor insulation, etc., so while I know it's hard it might also be helpful to reflect on the good sides of your current housing situation, if only to get through this visit more easily.
posted by trig at 11:51 AM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
I sympathize with how miserable you must feel right now, though having lived with roommates and their SOs, I also agree very much with the general sentiment in this thread. So I think coping strategies for this visit are your best bet right now, especially because it sounds like the visit has already started, which makes it not a decent or realistic time to take a stand on having her leave. Also just on an emotional level, sometimes you (the general you) can get all worked up and stressed about how to handle a difficult conversation in the optimal, most rewarding, and least disastrous way, and in so doing work up a lot of grievance about how bad the current situation is, and it sounds like at least for now you're best off shelving both the conversation and those feelings.
So: in a few days you'll probably be done with the flu. After which hopefully you can spend some time with your bf, with other friends, and possibly even in a hotel or airbnb for a bit. (Expensive, but so is moving.) Even if this can't account for the entire three weeks, it will effectively make the visit much shorter.
I don't know how your misophonia works but for me sometimes it helps more to listen to music or other audio (with effective headphones or earbuds) than to wear earplugs, because that can be much more distracting (in a good way) and do a better job with the sounds that earplugs might not filter out. Also, good music can be a decent way to change my mood. If you prefer earplugs, look into ordering the really heavy-duty ones; there are different gradations and the ones you get at the drugstore might not be enough. Some white noise in addition to the earplugs or music might also help (as in, a fan or an actual white noise machine running in the background).
If you like your roommate and you don't generally mind being social, see if spending some time with her and her mother helps a little - that is, come out to the common areas when they're there rather than hunkering down in your room. Conversation might ultimately be less irritating.
Every if you live alone there is always the chance of noisy neighbors, construction, poor insulation, etc., so while I know it's hard it might also be helpful to reflect on the good sides of your current housing situation, if only to get through this visit more easily.
posted by trig at 11:51 AM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
It would possibly be cheaper for you to find accommodation for yourself once every three years, either for the few weeks or even for a weekend in the middle for a break, than move out over this.
I think it's worth talking to your roommate about it - but not in the middle of the flu or a visit. Maybe let them know that it really bothered you and can you negotiate a shorter visit next time.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:15 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
I think it's worth talking to your roommate about it - but not in the middle of the flu or a visit. Maybe let them know that it really bothered you and can you negotiate a shorter visit next time.
posted by warriorqueen at 12:15 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
While I agree that having someone's boyfriend around a lot and having someone's parents around for three weeks are "not the same," the former is AT LEAST as inconvenient as the latter, just in completely different ways. If I had to choose between having a roommate who had parents visit for three weeks every 4 years or so, or a boyfriend who's around three nights a week, every week, guess what I'd pick? If the 3 week visit was even an annual thing, I'd have more sympathy for you, but I just don't think you have grounds to complain here.
posted by cakelite at 12:17 PM on February 28, 2019 [30 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 12:17 PM on February 28, 2019 [30 favorites]
I was really happy when I moved out of shared housing but no sympathy from me I'm afraid. You are imposing your boyfriend on your roommates for 6 months of each year.
You asked how to solve it diplomatically. That's easy, either you move out for the duration, you pay for the parents to stay somewhere else or you say nothing. Raising any form of objection would probably get you a major row.
Could be worse, your roommates could also decide to have a partner stay over for half of each week. Wouldn't that be fun?
posted by epo at 12:18 PM on February 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
You asked how to solve it diplomatically. That's easy, either you move out for the duration, you pay for the parents to stay somewhere else or you say nothing. Raising any form of objection would probably get you a major row.
Could be worse, your roommates could also decide to have a partner stay over for half of each week. Wouldn't that be fun?
posted by epo at 12:18 PM on February 28, 2019 [7 favorites]
I agree that this is worth talking to your roommates about, but be prepared to find out they aren't as happy with your boyfriend staying over as you think they are. You may end up renegotiating that too.
posted by FencingGal at 12:19 PM on February 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
posted by FencingGal at 12:19 PM on February 28, 2019 [12 favorites]
You aren't well and you're anxious, so having company is inducing misery. Make some tea or whatever beverage is pleasant, then head to the library and read or surf the web. Check out some music cds, movies, and/or audiobooks to take home to help you manage the noise. Try really hard to be chill and congratulate yourself on coping. Get some chocolate or something nice.
posted by theora55 at 12:26 PM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 12:26 PM on February 28, 2019 [3 favorites]
I would hate it if my roommate's mom stayed at my house for 3 weeks. I would hate it if my own mom stayed at my house for 3 weeks. I don't think you're unjustified in disliking this situation. But I also think unless you're willing to make the necessary sacrifices to live alone, this is something you have to figure out how to accept.
posted by something something at 12:41 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by something something at 12:41 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I came in expecting to be fully sympathetic towards you, and then got to the bf part of the question. I am admittedly pretty bitter about freeloading boyfriends of roommates past, but I don’t think that’s particularly uncommon.
Are these situations equivalent?
No, your bf is more invasive
Several years ago I told my roommate that I prefer to limit visitors to one week, but this was either forgotten or ignored
You moved your bf in with you half the time which adds up to way more than one week so your roommate probably thought you changed your tune.
And as a counter-experience to one of the other respondents:
familiar-enough presence
translation: is there ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME
probably isn't an added chore to interact with him
It is. It really, really is. It is SO MUCH that it is possible there are times that your roommate might fake talking on the phone while making a quick run to the kitchen to avoid having to interact with him.
he's 100% being entertained by you in your space
This has never been my experience of a roommate’s partner. There is always plenty of couch-lounging and cooking even when the roommate thinks they “basically never do that.”
I’m not sure what the significance is of the fact that your bf’s nights are nonconsecutive other than it means your roommates never get more than one night off from him before he’s back.
Anyway, in short: if you are willing to compromise how much time your bf spends at the apartment, sure, have a conversation with your roommate about limiting the length of visits from out of town guests in the future. If you are not willing to compromise there, then maybe don’t rock the boat, bc your roommate is already being very generous by letting him spend so much time there.
How to I tactfully handle this, recognizing both our needs and without animosity? Is there a way this can be done while preserving our household community?
I realized that I maybe didn’t answer the heart of your question, so if you do want to approach this with your roommate, I would go with something like this:
“Hi Roommate, I wanted to talk about our policy for overnight guests. As nice as your parents are, having strangers in our space for three weeks at a time is a lot to deal with, especially on short notice. My discomfort here has also made me realize that I have maybe been taking advantage of you and Other Roommate with how much Boyfriend is here. Can we sit down and work out an overnight policy that works for all of us?”
Or, on preview, agreeing with others to just get a hotel or airbnb for the parent visits. Sounds like it would probably be cheaper in the long run than the rent increase of living alone.
posted by tan_coul at 12:41 PM on February 28, 2019 [30 favorites]
Are these situations equivalent?
No, your bf is more invasive
Several years ago I told my roommate that I prefer to limit visitors to one week, but this was either forgotten or ignored
You moved your bf in with you half the time which adds up to way more than one week so your roommate probably thought you changed your tune.
And as a counter-experience to one of the other respondents:
familiar-enough presence
translation: is there ALL THE GOD DAMN TIME
probably isn't an added chore to interact with him
It is. It really, really is. It is SO MUCH that it is possible there are times that your roommate might fake talking on the phone while making a quick run to the kitchen to avoid having to interact with him.
he's 100% being entertained by you in your space
This has never been my experience of a roommate’s partner. There is always plenty of couch-lounging and cooking even when the roommate thinks they “basically never do that.”
I’m not sure what the significance is of the fact that your bf’s nights are nonconsecutive other than it means your roommates never get more than one night off from him before he’s back.
Anyway, in short: if you are willing to compromise how much time your bf spends at the apartment, sure, have a conversation with your roommate about limiting the length of visits from out of town guests in the future. If you are not willing to compromise there, then maybe don’t rock the boat, bc your roommate is already being very generous by letting him spend so much time there.
How to I tactfully handle this, recognizing both our needs and without animosity? Is there a way this can be done while preserving our household community?
I realized that I maybe didn’t answer the heart of your question, so if you do want to approach this with your roommate, I would go with something like this:
“Hi Roommate, I wanted to talk about our policy for overnight guests. As nice as your parents are, having strangers in our space for three weeks at a time is a lot to deal with, especially on short notice. My discomfort here has also made me realize that I have maybe been taking advantage of you and Other Roommate with how much Boyfriend is here. Can we sit down and work out an overnight policy that works for all of us?”
Or, on preview, agreeing with others to just get a hotel or airbnb for the parent visits. Sounds like it would probably be cheaper in the long run than the rent increase of living alone.
posted by tan_coul at 12:41 PM on February 28, 2019 [30 favorites]
it probably isn't an added chore to interact with him when he's around
Good heavens. I'm sure the boyfriend is a lovely person, but having someone else's dude in the kitchen when you stumble in in the morning for your yogurt is a burden. Having anyone else at all in the house, even people you personally like and chose to move in with, is often annoying; that's why people get their own space.
posted by praemunire at 12:43 PM on February 28, 2019 [23 favorites]
Good heavens. I'm sure the boyfriend is a lovely person, but having someone else's dude in the kitchen when you stumble in in the morning for your yogurt is a burden. Having anyone else at all in the house, even people you personally like and chose to move in with, is often annoying; that's why people get their own space.
posted by praemunire at 12:43 PM on February 28, 2019 [23 favorites]
I wonder if there are cultural differences at play here. I’ve had friends and roommates who were expected to host and entertain family no matter what, who did not feel able to negotiate the length of stay or the level of hosting they provided - especially if visitors are traveling a significant distance.
In the past when my place was overwhelming due to guests I let them have my room and crashed elsewhere. Not feasible when you are sick or for several weeks, but with luck you might find a house-sitting gig or something?
posted by bunderful at 12:45 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
In the past when my place was overwhelming due to guests I let them have my room and crashed elsewhere. Not feasible when you are sick or for several weeks, but with luck you might find a house-sitting gig or something?
posted by bunderful at 12:45 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
"Maybe my experience with roommates' significant others is unusual or lucky, but I kind of figure that a SO's three-nights-per-week sleepover is like, the cost of doing business when you're youngish and living with roommates."
The point is that both of these scenarios are a reality of living with roommates, especially if the three week visit is as infrequent as the one the asker describes. I actually think having a boyfriend over 3x a week is pretty normal in roommate situations, but it's still annoying. These are quite literally the reasons that most people would prefer to live alone!
posted by cakelite at 1:04 PM on February 28, 2019
The point is that both of these scenarios are a reality of living with roommates, especially if the three week visit is as infrequent as the one the asker describes. I actually think having a boyfriend over 3x a week is pretty normal in roommate situations, but it's still annoying. These are quite literally the reasons that most people would prefer to live alone!
posted by cakelite at 1:04 PM on February 28, 2019
If it's three nights every week, every boyfriend is Bevers.
posted by goodbyewaffles at 1:08 PM on February 28, 2019 [24 favorites]
posted by goodbyewaffles at 1:08 PM on February 28, 2019 [24 favorites]
It would possibly be cheaper for you to find accommodation for yourself once every three years, either for the few weeks or even for a weekend in the middle for a break, than move out over this.
This is a fantastic solution if at all possible, tbh.
Yes, even a quiet and respectful SO staying over that often would bother me, but I might shrug it off as the cost of having a mostly-good roommate otherwise, and I'd probably do the same in your case, OP. Good roommates are hard to come by, perfect roommates are impossible, and if this is your only major sticking point, I'd work pretty hard to compromise every few years.
Is your roommate's family from another country, perhaps? Is that why the visits are long but infrequent?
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:18 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
This is a fantastic solution if at all possible, tbh.
Yes, even a quiet and respectful SO staying over that often would bother me, but I might shrug it off as the cost of having a mostly-good roommate otherwise, and I'd probably do the same in your case, OP. Good roommates are hard to come by, perfect roommates are impossible, and if this is your only major sticking point, I'd work pretty hard to compromise every few years.
Is your roommate's family from another country, perhaps? Is that why the visits are long but infrequent?
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:18 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
Mod note: From the OP:
I am really, really grateful for all of the responses so far. Thank you!posted by restless_nomad (staff) at 1:18 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I realized I didn’t add much detail about my boyfriend’s visits. He arrives, briefly says hi to my roommates, and then we go into my room upstairs, where he remains. He does not use the common areas.
That might not make a difference in folks’ overall assessment of the situation but I wanted to put it out there to clarify. Thanks again
If it's three nights a week, he's a roommate and he really should be paying rent.
He could be the very nicest of people, but he's still an extra person using the limited resources of the household, and one who wasn't chosen by anyone but OP.
If OP makes an issue of the parental visit, she should be prepared to have the boyfriend situation revisited. People can sort out how to accommodate each other in a living situation however they want, but, however it's done, most people are going to expect some parity.
posted by praemunire at 1:20 PM on February 28, 2019 [14 favorites]
He could be the very nicest of people, but he's still an extra person using the limited resources of the household, and one who wasn't chosen by anyone but OP.
If OP makes an issue of the parental visit, she should be prepared to have the boyfriend situation revisited. People can sort out how to accommodate each other in a living situation however they want, but, however it's done, most people are going to expect some parity.
posted by praemunire at 1:20 PM on February 28, 2019 [14 favorites]
Agree with everyone that's saying you have no leverage here. If your roommate's parents are mostly keeping to themselves, and have only visited twice in 5-6 years, while your boyfriend doesn't contribute to rent (and unless he's a vegetable, he's undeniably leaving a footprint) and is there 3x night a week - possibly more in terms of stopping by unless you absolutely don't see him for the rest of the week, then you're being totally unreasonable.
If you have misophonia, perhaps you should not have roommates at all.
posted by Everydayville at 1:23 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
If you have misophonia, perhaps you should not have roommates at all.
posted by Everydayville at 1:23 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
Everyday boyfriend-having doesn't even register on the scale of annoyances
I'd say a majority of people don't feel this way. Having a boyfriend over every other night of the week isn't typical - if they're spending that much time together, they should probably move in, or split the time they spend together between his place and hers.
Besides, what happened to common decency? If her roommates are kind enough to put up with no-rent-paying boyfriend, she can put up with her roommates' parents visiting for three weeks once every three or so years. They're most likely from a different country and don't see their child very often and vice versa. That could also fall under the umbrella of "the cost of doing business when you're youngish and living with roommates."
posted by Everydayville at 1:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [11 favorites]
I'd say a majority of people don't feel this way. Having a boyfriend over every other night of the week isn't typical - if they're spending that much time together, they should probably move in, or split the time they spend together between his place and hers.
Besides, what happened to common decency? If her roommates are kind enough to put up with no-rent-paying boyfriend, she can put up with her roommates' parents visiting for three weeks once every three or so years. They're most likely from a different country and don't see their child very often and vice versa. That could also fall under the umbrella of "the cost of doing business when you're youngish and living with roommates."
posted by Everydayville at 1:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [11 favorites]
He does not use the common areas.
I'm truly not saying you're somehow "in the wrong" for having him over (you got consent!), but, just in the interests of helping you see where your roommate might be coming from, you two never eat? He never goes to get a glass of water? He never sits down in the living room a little while watching TV, or while waiting for you to finish getting ready so you can go? His noise (never listens to music, never watches your own TV, is, um, super-discreet in other ways) never reaches other residents, even though the house apparently is poorly insulated against sound?
Your boyfriend's there; it represents a certain degree of burden on your roommates; you need to be realistic about that. If you treat the parental visit as unacceptable, you're inviting pushback. A general rules renegotiation may not yield the results you desire overall. Only you can decide whether you think that's worth it.
posted by praemunire at 1:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [29 favorites]
I'm truly not saying you're somehow "in the wrong" for having him over (you got consent!), but, just in the interests of helping you see where your roommate might be coming from, you two never eat? He never goes to get a glass of water? He never sits down in the living room a little while watching TV, or while waiting for you to finish getting ready so you can go? His noise (never listens to music, never watches your own TV, is, um, super-discreet in other ways) never reaches other residents, even though the house apparently is poorly insulated against sound?
Your boyfriend's there; it represents a certain degree of burden on your roommates; you need to be realistic about that. If you treat the parental visit as unacceptable, you're inviting pushback. A general rules renegotiation may not yield the results you desire overall. Only you can decide whether you think that's worth it.
posted by praemunire at 1:30 PM on February 28, 2019 [29 favorites]
I don't want to litigate your boyfriend's visits, but I think that your roommate has the right to have her parent visit for a long time, especially if it's so infrequent. Are they on good terms? In other words, will the visit make your roommate and her parent happy to spend time together? Any chance that Mom will cook for everyone, which might also be nice? Perhaps thinking of the nice potential of the visit might help your anxiety a bit?
I'd work in trying to reframe your mindset/anxiety about this very rare imposition, rather than working on your assertiveness. Failing that, I'd look into spending more time at the boyfriend's if things get too much for you at home, or perhaps looking into a long weekend away? Either for you, or your roomie? Maybe suggest some long outings they could go on? (I once spent a month as the houseguest of some very generous friends, and to offset that I made sure to go away for a long weekend and to also very clearly announce the times when I'd be spending 8-12 hours out of the house so they knew when they could have some private time....)
posted by TwoStride at 1:37 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'd work in trying to reframe your mindset/anxiety about this very rare imposition, rather than working on your assertiveness. Failing that, I'd look into spending more time at the boyfriend's if things get too much for you at home, or perhaps looking into a long weekend away? Either for you, or your roomie? Maybe suggest some long outings they could go on? (I once spent a month as the houseguest of some very generous friends, and to offset that I made sure to go away for a long weekend and to also very clearly announce the times when I'd be spending 8-12 hours out of the house so they knew when they could have some private time....)
posted by TwoStride at 1:37 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
Sorry, you're not in the right. Does he ever use the shower? Does he literally never walk out of your room or your private bathroom into the kitchen or living room? If your sound insulation is so bad that you hear everything your roommate and their family do, surely your roommate hears everything you and your boyfriend do.
3 nights a week, every week, for YEARS, with someone who isn't paying into utilities and is just THERE? I would be at least low-level annoyed about this depending on how accurate your portrayal of never uses common space is, and if you mentioned however nicely how you don't want her family to visit I would blow up on you, estimate how many days your boyfriend has been there and say he's not allowed back until my family has been there as many nights.
You have it really good right now about having your boyfriend as a spare roommate, so be aware that if you rock the boat, you might lose that option. That's your choice to make, of course, but I feel that having family visit for a month every few years is more than fair if you have a boyfriend living with you half the time.
posted by jeather at 1:50 PM on February 28, 2019 [22 favorites]
3 nights a week, every week, for YEARS, with someone who isn't paying into utilities and is just THERE? I would be at least low-level annoyed about this depending on how accurate your portrayal of never uses common space is, and if you mentioned however nicely how you don't want her family to visit I would blow up on you, estimate how many days your boyfriend has been there and say he's not allowed back until my family has been there as many nights.
You have it really good right now about having your boyfriend as a spare roommate, so be aware that if you rock the boat, you might lose that option. That's your choice to make, of course, but I feel that having family visit for a month every few years is more than fair if you have a boyfriend living with you half the time.
posted by jeather at 1:50 PM on February 28, 2019 [22 favorites]
Also to add, I am entirely sympathetic, I would hate to have a roommate's parents live with me for a month, and it is only that you have your boyfriend living with you half time that makes along your roommate not to do this unreasonable.
posted by jeather at 3:25 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by jeather at 3:25 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
If your room is so quiet that no one can hear your boyfriend from the moment he creeps in to the moment he creeps out, then it sounds like the sound insulation is not that bad and that you would have a safe refuge in there from your roommate's parents. I am definitely adding another vote for stay at your boyfriends or anywhere else during that time if it's such a problem for you because it sounds like you have incredibly tolerant roommates and a good deal on rent.
posted by bquarters at 3:39 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by bquarters at 3:39 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]
Sorry but if you complain about thin walls but have your boyfriend live with you two weeks out of the month you have zero standing to object to this once in a blue moon visit from their immediate family.
Last time I had a roommate move their boyfriend in half time, I promptly moved out. Nthing what everyone else said - if you bring this up, you are inviting your roommates to tell you how they really feel about your BF.
posted by bradbane at 4:04 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
Last time I had a roommate move their boyfriend in half time, I promptly moved out. Nthing what everyone else said - if you bring this up, you are inviting your roommates to tell you how they really feel about your BF.
posted by bradbane at 4:04 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
As others have said, I think the exchange rate is fair here (parents v routine boyfriend).
So hopefully, the idea that it sounds fair to others is of some comfort--you're not being a doormat.
Practical suggestions seem the way to go: more time with boyfriend, box fan, white noise generator near the door, plan to work in libraries/coffee shops a little during that time (whatever you need to spend time on). Treat yourself to a few outside the house luxuries.
A halfway decent roommate is a pretty good deal overall and in the grand scheme of things I think you're both getting a fair exchange of tolerance.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:25 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
So hopefully, the idea that it sounds fair to others is of some comfort--you're not being a doormat.
Practical suggestions seem the way to go: more time with boyfriend, box fan, white noise generator near the door, plan to work in libraries/coffee shops a little during that time (whatever you need to spend time on). Treat yourself to a few outside the house luxuries.
A halfway decent roommate is a pretty good deal overall and in the grand scheme of things I think you're both getting a fair exchange of tolerance.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:25 PM on February 28, 2019 [2 favorites]
Also, take this one or leave it, but on occasion when I have been faced with a houseguest I simply couldn't abide, I decided to 'treat him like a king' and went waaaaaay out of my way to make him feel welcome. Little things, that made him feel cherished and special, which, being an abrasive sort, he really needed. It helped me to feel like I was less a passive victim of circumstances than a person who had chosen to handle the situation in a particular way.
I know that sounds kind of nuts and even my husband is like 'yeah. okay.' about it, but it did indeed help me.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:27 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I know that sounds kind of nuts and even my husband is like 'yeah. okay.' about it, but it did indeed help me.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:27 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
I also wanted to mention the possible cultural element - in some families, declining to host visiting parents would be seen as an absolute slap in the face, regardless of whether other arrangements like a hotel or AirBnB were offered.
posted by kickingtheground at 6:38 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by kickingtheground at 6:38 PM on February 28, 2019 [4 favorites]
There's a lot we don't know: What do the roommates think of the boyfriend--is he considerate, or is he Bevers? What's the layout of this home?
Even if I thought my roommate's boyfriend was an awesome guy and I enjoyed hanging out with him, I still wouldn't want him to live in my apartment 50% of the time while paying no rent. I didn't sign up to live with the roommate and the boyfriend.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 7:36 PM on February 28, 2019 [8 favorites]
Even if I thought my roommate's boyfriend was an awesome guy and I enjoyed hanging out with him, I still wouldn't want him to live in my apartment 50% of the time while paying no rent. I didn't sign up to live with the roommate and the boyfriend.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 7:36 PM on February 28, 2019 [8 favorites]
I think socially in America, once you get a boyfriend, you're not supposed to live with roommates any more--this kind of thing is exactly why (as far as I can tell with everyone else, anyway) once you get a boyfriend and your lease is up, you need to move in with the boyfriend. Because roommates will get annoyed at that after awhile. So yeah, I nth that you can't argue one thing while you're having the other go on in your life. I hope for your sake that this isn't an issue with anyone you live with for real, but you don't have a leg to stand on if you want to argue this.
BUT: Assuming that roommate with the parents isn't also your landlord and you all have a separate landlord, I hear that landlords Do Not Like It when extra people live in an a place for weeks on end. My apt. management sent out a snitty letter to everyone a few months ago saying that extra people not on the lease are not allowed to live rent-free in the apartments for I think longer than a week. So if you REALLY want to pick a fight, you could squeal to apartment management and have them send an angry letter kicking the parents out. Or the management finds out some other way... Though again, this might back up on you as well, though "three nights over a week" doesn't seem to tick off landlords as much compared to long term guests.
"How to I tactfully handle this, recognizing both our needs and without animosity? Is there a way this can be done while preserving our household community?"
Probably not, to be honest. "Your parents are too noisy for me, but literally everything and everybody is too noisy for me" is a situation that does not sound like it will improve once you get a few less people in the house. If you can't live alone, other humans have to be in the house and you will hear them. And I can't think of a way to say "please kick your parents out" that won't make both roommate and parents super mad at you. Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:55 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
BUT: Assuming that roommate with the parents isn't also your landlord and you all have a separate landlord, I hear that landlords Do Not Like It when extra people live in an a place for weeks on end. My apt. management sent out a snitty letter to everyone a few months ago saying that extra people not on the lease are not allowed to live rent-free in the apartments for I think longer than a week. So if you REALLY want to pick a fight, you could squeal to apartment management and have them send an angry letter kicking the parents out. Or the management finds out some other way... Though again, this might back up on you as well, though "three nights over a week" doesn't seem to tick off landlords as much compared to long term guests.
"How to I tactfully handle this, recognizing both our needs and without animosity? Is there a way this can be done while preserving our household community?"
Probably not, to be honest. "Your parents are too noisy for me, but literally everything and everybody is too noisy for me" is a situation that does not sound like it will improve once you get a few less people in the house. If you can't live alone, other humans have to be in the house and you will hear them. And I can't think of a way to say "please kick your parents out" that won't make both roommate and parents super mad at you. Sorry.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:55 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]
This is a slightly older thread but have you considered white noise machines?
I also use a Bose Mini Soundlink (excellent bass) and put it on a Brown Noise app from my phone. Between this and earplugs I do not hear my roommates talking, banging around, or annoyingly having sex. It’s like I’m in my own private soundproof space.
Earplugs on their own don’t work as well, but combine them with noise machines and you’ll be in a cocoon.
posted by christiehawk at 8:30 PM on March 3, 2019
I also use a Bose Mini Soundlink (excellent bass) and put it on a Brown Noise app from my phone. Between this and earplugs I do not hear my roommates talking, banging around, or annoyingly having sex. It’s like I’m in my own private soundproof space.
Earplugs on their own don’t work as well, but combine them with noise machines and you’ll be in a cocoon.
posted by christiehawk at 8:30 PM on March 3, 2019
If your misophonia is that bad, it makes no sense that you’d invite an additional person into your space (ie your boyfriend) for half the week. So he doesn’t impact it but for some reason other people’s parents absolutely set it off? That’s some very specific misophonia you’ve got there. I mean, you can bring it up with your room mate but don’t be surprised if it starts WW3 - your boyfriend lives there half a year rent free!
If anything, I’d buy her some flowers, thank her for being so considerate about allowing your boyfriend to stay so often and make yourself scarce at his place while they stay so it’s easier on all of you. Maybe leave the parents a hamper with some tourist guides and a basket of local delicacies. When you’re room mates, there’s give and take. Your friend has been giving for a long time, now it’s your turn to step up and return the favour with good grace. This is how you continue to be room mates.
posted by Jubey at 3:09 AM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
If anything, I’d buy her some flowers, thank her for being so considerate about allowing your boyfriend to stay so often and make yourself scarce at his place while they stay so it’s easier on all of you. Maybe leave the parents a hamper with some tourist guides and a basket of local delicacies. When you’re room mates, there’s give and take. Your friend has been giving for a long time, now it’s your turn to step up and return the favour with good grace. This is how you continue to be room mates.
posted by Jubey at 3:09 AM on March 6, 2019 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
But for now... I'd check in with your lease to see what the rules are about guests. Nearly every leave I've had had some rule. If you can say to your housemate, look the lease says 2 weeks... That might help.
Also check with your other housemates about a policy regarding short and long term guests. Should people pay more for water and electricity in these periods?
posted by k8t at 10:59 AM on February 28, 2019