How do I become less considerate of people?

February 19, 2019 11:49 AM

You read that right. It's not a typo. I'm just very, very exhausted with my fellow human beings and feel like my base personality simply doesn't fit with day to day functioning on this planet. I'm thinking the best way to survive is to be an asshole just like everyone else or live in a bubble, but I'm finding I'm currently unable to do the latter because of full-time employment, and it's just rather difficult to do the former.

My experience with people is that they are dishonest, cheaters, abusive, scammers, and just completely inconsiderate. I don't consider myself to be a saint or the smartest person in the world, but I'm at a loss.

-The owner of an expensive online course refuses to give me a refund after I cite needing the money back for a medical emergency (I did not know about chargebacks at the time and it's too late now).
-I've asked the upstairs neighbors about hearing them be loud above me and quieting down. No change. And I mean like loud, children are running around, things are being dropped on the floor, just zero respect.

When I've stood up for myself and said something, I've been shot down, my words thrown back in my face. Lists have been presented to me in the vain of "how dare you complain about me, here's all these things YOU do wrong that I've conveniently never approached you about until just now."

When everything from "Hey roommate, if the new bathroom night light was bothering you, it would have been great if you had told me instead of me having to find it unplugged for three days straight with no explanation" and "Hey [relative], you could please maybe not scream my name from the other side of the house? It startles me" being met with backlash (snarky replies basically amounting to "I don't care about your feelings"), to the literal selfishness wrapped up in the cause of the recent government shutdown in the States, to all the people who die every day because the super rich are allowed to even be super rich...I just...I just don't actually feel like there is any kindness in the world, and that any attempt to be honest about anything is completely pointless.

I was even encouraged by my broker to lie about my income to make it easier to get a studio apartment in Boston since I keep getting passed over for people who make more than me.

I've had experiences like this over and over and over again. Even with family members who are supposed to "be there for you," who I've since had to cut out for being emotionally abusive. It's making me want to be selfish, to shutdown my own empathy, to be a hermit and limit my interactions with humans and society at large as much as possible.

Meanwhile, I'm the type of person who will try to make sure my headphones aren't loudly leaking music in public spaces, or I'll hold the door for people. I won't cover my nose when I'm walking by smokers because I don't want to obviously offend them, even though the smoke ends up going up my nose anyway (if you've ever tried to hold your breath walking by a smoker, you know that doesn't actually work to avoid the smoke). And if I ever started a blog, I wouldn't dare use those hyper annoying (and sometimes ever assholish) "subscribe to my newsletter!" popups.

I don't think this makes me special. I'm not looking for a congrats. Just an basic expression of decency in return--and that feels like I'm asking for too much.

And those are just the "small" scale things.

Then there's the fact that the world seems to be run by narcissists and money. Customer service replies are always canned. Companies deceive by charging hidden fees or just quietly informing you about auto-renew (or even enabling auto-renew by default at all, which feels wrong to me in a way I can't articulate). Marketing is pretty much just straight up lying to people in exchange for wallet access. Global warming is happening and fuck all is being done about it at a level that would have a real effect. I don't have faith in a single politician, and this was even before the 2016 US Election. Suicide bombers, rapists, sex traffickers, incels, kidnappers, murderers, etc--these people exist. None of this is even the tip of the iceberg.

I'm sick of being considerate. I'm sick of having empathy. I'm sick of being able to somehow actually use basic logic and not be rude.

I don't think I'm a doormat or at a people pleaser level. I don't care when people dislike me or obsess over them to get them to change their mind, at least. But I just...I don't get it. I'm so exhausted by all of this. Why is it so hard for people to have basic consideration of each other? Basic? Why do people feel so driven to purposefully hurt others, to lie, or be so stupid and tone def to completely ignore (and even actively insult) someone when they bring up their needs?

I explained a bit of the above with a coworker, and she said I should keep my kindness and not become bitter. She said there are good people in the world I just have to find them. I don't see how this is possible. I don't see the point.

I've thought about using this as fuel to be mean, but it's very difficult for me to do. Even just deciding to do something like move out of my apartment without giving my entitled roommates any prior notice gives me anxiety. But at the rate I'm going, I just want to live in a bubble and not leave it. Forever.

I just don't understand humans. Help me find a way to care about them less (with more of an answer than just "get over it" and "grow a thicker skin") so I can be less affected when they inevitably act terrible.

And as for therapy: I've tried it. I hated it. Had one try to force meds down my throat after my multiple protests, another just sit in silence and not ask me anything, another who was sarcastic as hell and didn't really listen. Therapists are draining to me, and I can't afford one at the moment now if I wanted one, anyway.

posted by adelaide to Human Relations (13 answers total)

Best answer: I understand your exhaustion, but the idea that the best way to respond to bad stuff in the world is to add to it, is all kinds of wrong. Don’t become an asshole.

Go and start volunteering in a place that has a mission that means something to you, where there are a lot of volunteers, with a wide range of ages and life experiences. You’ll find plenty of people who aren’t assholes (and maybe a few who are, no population of people is perfect) and turn that rage into making the world one small fraction better, rather than worse.
posted by penguin pie at 11:57 AM on February 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Boundaries. From Captain Awkward. Read, internalise, generalise.
posted by ambrosen at 11:58 AM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

You are a walking talking self-fulfilling prophecy. I don’t doubt that you are considerate to your fellow humans in public, but is that because you care about them or because you’re afraid of conflict? Your whole post is dripping with hostility and contempt. Not just toward the targets that deserve it, but toward therapy in general because you’ve had a few bad experiences that you clearly didn’t try to work through?

You seem furious at people in general for not reading your mind or being exactly like you, in most cases for having slightly different approaches to problems than you do. Being an asshole takes many forms.
posted by stoneandstar at 11:59 AM on February 19, 2019 [15 favorites]

Ummm, okay, so I call myself a misanthropist and even I find your rant excessive and biased. There are good people in the world, loads of them. The assholes often get ahead, that is true, and are more noticeable because they're loud and brash and assholes, but I don't even know if they're in the majority.

You just sound super-frustrated (maybe depressed?) and I get that. There is so much to be angry about. But you are not improving the world by being another asshole. Besides, it would probably not make you feel better if you did manage.

[and, upon preview, what the two previous comments said] Boundaries are definitely good. IMO it's totally fine to snap back at someone who treats you like crap, and to tell them to cut it out. But don't dismiss the entire planet. I can assure you there are many, many people who do much more for their fellow creatures than you do. Look to them and emulate them. Don't emulate the assholes, how sad is that!?
posted by ClarissaWAM at 12:03 PM on February 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

go volunteer, you need to get out of your head.
posted by speakeasy at 12:07 PM on February 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

It seems like your actual question is "how can I make it bother me less when other people are assholes?" I mean, I seriously doubt that you really truly want to be more like the people you talk about hating, right?
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:07 PM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

The way I respond to stuff like the things you mention (the online course, the neighbors) is to just go into interactions like this with a knowledge that people suck.

For example, unless it's offered through a university, I tend to assume that online classes are scam-adjacent. And definitely not the kind of things that have a generous refund policy. I've also experienced in the past that even informal in person classes held in a for-profit setting can be weirdly inflexible about stuff like this. So I tend to either try not to take these types of classes, or if I need to, I mentally prepare myself before paying for the class to lose the money or end up in a lot of hassle if something goes wrong. Instead of going in with an open heart, I assume that once the money leaves my account, it is gone. That makes me a little harder, as a person, but it also protects me.

With neighbors, I tend to go in with two pieces of learned wisdom about the world: 1, there will ALWAYS be some conflict between upstairs and downstairs neighbors over noise, and 2, when you have talks with upstairs neighbors about noise, they will probably not be able to change anything. If that stuff ends up not being the case (your upstairs neighbors are very quiet! You ask them to keep it down and they do!), then great! But low expectations will serve you well. You can also try to look for places to live that aren't going to involve upstairs neighbors (being on the top floor, having a different type of housing stock), but, yeah, it's kind of just what it is. This goes for things like people yelling your name, roommate weirdness, etc. as well. You can ask people not to do that stuff, or maybe model a different communication style, but roommates sometimes suck. People sometimes don't behave the way you'd like. It's kind of just what it is.

Maybe my TL;DR is to go into most potential conflicts with "it's kind of just what it is"?

Also, maybe not view the other people in these situations as "bad", but just having their own interests in the situation, trying their best, or things not being within their control for reasons you may not understand? Because with the possible exception of the class, none of the other people in these situations seem evil. Just kind of locked into their current pattern. Which is typically not something you can control in others.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 12:08 PM on February 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

You sound like an HSP to me, Sincerely recommend reading up on it.

First several google results are for... some kind of blood vessel disease? Could you define this acronym?
posted by showbiz_liz at 12:09 PM on February 19, 2019

I believe HSP in this context means Highly Sensitive Person.

I don't think any of your problems would be solved by being less considerate! Like, being an asshole to others doesn't make them be less assholish to you. Sorry!
posted by mskyle at 12:12 PM on February 19, 2019

The thing about being considerate and empathetic is that it's about how you want to relate to the world, not about how others relate to you. It's about who you want to be. Yeah, it kind of sucks when other people aren't considerate or empathetic, but that's on them.


There's a quote out there about anger and resentment. "Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die." It's kinda like that.
posted by vivzan at 12:19 PM on February 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

In at least one of your examples (with the noisy upstairs neighbors), you seem to be interpreting their behavior in the least charitable light. "No respect" is pretty loaded and emotional for something that sounds like everyday hassle. Maybe consider reframing that to be less intense -- thinking of it as an inconvenience rather than a lack of respect for you personally.

Agree with others that becoming more of an asshole yourself is not the answer. You sound depressed.
posted by Bebo at 12:20 PM on February 19, 2019 [2 favorites]

You sound really stressed out, and I sympathize. I sometimes start to hate everyone, too! It is not fun. The spiraling out to the government shutdown, etc. suggests that thinking about your locus of control may be helpful. Focus on the good things you can do for yourself right now so you can feel taken care of and not pissed off at everything. Make yourself a beverage you enjoy. Avoid crowded areas, maybe have your groceries delivered for once. Actually take your breaks at work and go for a walk / read a book. Make a big list of nice things you can do for yourself and do several of them daily for a couple weeks.

About your examples: honestly, you're mostly doing what's easiest for you, and everybody else is doing what's easiest for them. You didn't consider that your roommate might not like the nightlight, you just plugged it in, and then didn't address it with them until you were already mad. The noises you cite from your neighbors aren't controllable things like loud bass speakers. I'm sure your neighbors would probably like their children to be quieter and not to drop things also. The leader of the online course also has bills to pay, and if their policy doesn't let you withdraw for medical reasons, that sucks, but it's a risk you took when you signed up for the course.
posted by momus_window at 12:21 PM on February 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

Speaking from familial observation and from personal experience, I don’t think happiness is accessible to people who keep score about this many things. It’s like that Biblical thing about camels and needles. I don’t say that it’s fair, but I believe it’s how it is.
posted by eirias at 12:23 PM on February 19, 2019 [6 favorites]