Should I keep trying to have more communication with partner?
February 15, 2019 3:00 PM Subscribe
I've been with my partner about 9 months.. We see each other once a week, stay overnight then often spend the day together. When we're together, I really enjoy his company, he's interesting, kind, funny and thoughtful. In between, he doesn't like to speak on the phone or text or whatsapp. He emails every day, and I reply. Emailing alone doesn't really work for me. My main question is: Is it worth persevering? Tried to speak about it a few times but nothing really changed.
I have a fairly anxious attachment style and I'm trying to ask for what I need and compromise as well but this seems like hard work and I'm getting confused. My partner (he's M and in his 40s and I'm F in my 40s) was seriously unwell until a few years ago, he's now recovered and working again but can get tired. Because of him being tired I've tried to be understanding and not "be demanding"
We spoke about it last year after being together for a few months, and at that time I said that to feel connected to a partner I like to speak on the phone, especially as we see each other once a week only. He sounded open to the idea, but did say he wasn't keen on the phone. I did make the mistake of brining this up on the phone when he was distracted. Things didn't change, I brought it up again about 5 weeks ago.
He said he'd expected me to take the lead from our last conversation, but that he would be willing to have skype calls going forward. He asked that we email to agree times to talk as he didn't want to be unprepared by me calling or for me to get frustrated if we missed each other/one of us was on the train. I said that was making me feel like I had to make an appt to speak to him, but then we talked a bit and he said that if this didn't work then we could try the more ad hoc approach.
The problem is that 3 weeks ago we had a huge row (unrelated to this, it was our first one but pretty big). We spent the last two weeks trying to repair/talk things through (he'd asked for space for a week, then we met and talked). I'd said again that I feel connected by speaking at times and I'd like to see him more than once a week at times, but appreciate we are both busy. He came back and said that it was more than reasonable to ask that, but the more than once a week face to face may be hard as we're both busy (which is true). He also explained that he felt I don't listen to him, I apologised and said I would try to fix this. He had also said that in previous relationships he'd spoken on the phone a lot but the last one was really dysfunctional, so had decided not to do that when we met.
I'm aware he may have his own attachment stuff going on, as both of us had bad upbringings, think it's had a knock-on effect. My therapist told me to work on my attachment issues, then I'd be able to work out what to do.
I didn't bring up the texting or whatsapp lack of communication with him.. the only time we really did this is when he added me when I was abroad for three weeks, then we chatted. But since then he never instigates it, I've tried.
Do I just keep trying to speak on skype and see how things go from here? I'm finding this all a bit difficult, it may be I'm asking too much here, and perhaps I should either accept it or concede we're not a good match, which I'm loathe to do as I like him. But one thing that's been shared in my groups recently was "You ask for something twice, then you stop". I am going round in my head thinking about this, can't think straight.
I have a fairly anxious attachment style and I'm trying to ask for what I need and compromise as well but this seems like hard work and I'm getting confused. My partner (he's M and in his 40s and I'm F in my 40s) was seriously unwell until a few years ago, he's now recovered and working again but can get tired. Because of him being tired I've tried to be understanding and not "be demanding"
We spoke about it last year after being together for a few months, and at that time I said that to feel connected to a partner I like to speak on the phone, especially as we see each other once a week only. He sounded open to the idea, but did say he wasn't keen on the phone. I did make the mistake of brining this up on the phone when he was distracted. Things didn't change, I brought it up again about 5 weeks ago.
He said he'd expected me to take the lead from our last conversation, but that he would be willing to have skype calls going forward. He asked that we email to agree times to talk as he didn't want to be unprepared by me calling or for me to get frustrated if we missed each other/one of us was on the train. I said that was making me feel like I had to make an appt to speak to him, but then we talked a bit and he said that if this didn't work then we could try the more ad hoc approach.
The problem is that 3 weeks ago we had a huge row (unrelated to this, it was our first one but pretty big). We spent the last two weeks trying to repair/talk things through (he'd asked for space for a week, then we met and talked). I'd said again that I feel connected by speaking at times and I'd like to see him more than once a week at times, but appreciate we are both busy. He came back and said that it was more than reasonable to ask that, but the more than once a week face to face may be hard as we're both busy (which is true). He also explained that he felt I don't listen to him, I apologised and said I would try to fix this. He had also said that in previous relationships he'd spoken on the phone a lot but the last one was really dysfunctional, so had decided not to do that when we met.
I'm aware he may have his own attachment stuff going on, as both of us had bad upbringings, think it's had a knock-on effect. My therapist told me to work on my attachment issues, then I'd be able to work out what to do.
I didn't bring up the texting or whatsapp lack of communication with him.. the only time we really did this is when he added me when I was abroad for three weeks, then we chatted. But since then he never instigates it, I've tried.
Do I just keep trying to speak on skype and see how things go from here? I'm finding this all a bit difficult, it may be I'm asking too much here, and perhaps I should either accept it or concede we're not a good match, which I'm loathe to do as I like him. But one thing that's been shared in my groups recently was "You ask for something twice, then you stop". I am going round in my head thinking about this, can't think straight.
It sounds like the unpredictable timing is what's really tripping him up about this. Have you ever tried calling him at a set time on certain days of the week? Like, every Monday and Thursday evening around eight you could call him. That way you don't need to repeatedly schedule anything, since it would just be an expected thing - you'd just let the other know if you can't make the usual call. Since you guys both sound really busy, maybe your lives are too unpredictable for this, but maybe carving out a small amount of time for each other on a regular basis might be an especially good idea.
Some people are just flatly terrible with phones and your partner could very well be one of them. If I were you I would go ahead and try a regular phone call a couple times a week for a few weeks, but keep my expectations for the conversation really low. Have higher expectations for overall communication and connection though, because that's perfectly reasonable. I just would look at trying other things and seeing if they work with the two of you better. Maybe texting more, sending pictures to each other of your days? Email can be really formal so maybe something more frequent but shorter form. A longshot since you're busy but maybe you could play some games online together. There are lots of ways to keep in touch beyond phone calls and email, and maybe what hasn't worked for you and someone else will work for you and this guy. But you do need to be assertive about it, because it's a habit that needs to change for your long term happiness.
posted by Mizu at 3:24 PM on February 15, 2019
Some people are just flatly terrible with phones and your partner could very well be one of them. If I were you I would go ahead and try a regular phone call a couple times a week for a few weeks, but keep my expectations for the conversation really low. Have higher expectations for overall communication and connection though, because that's perfectly reasonable. I just would look at trying other things and seeing if they work with the two of you better. Maybe texting more, sending pictures to each other of your days? Email can be really formal so maybe something more frequent but shorter form. A longshot since you're busy but maybe you could play some games online together. There are lots of ways to keep in touch beyond phone calls and email, and maybe what hasn't worked for you and someone else will work for you and this guy. But you do need to be assertive about it, because it's a habit that needs to change for your long term happiness.
posted by Mizu at 3:24 PM on February 15, 2019
The way he's framing this really makes it sound like he's concerned about low-quality interactions that you might find frustrating or that might cause friction. I think that's something that probably isn't going to change, and if it did change, then you wouldn't like the result. I think this is one of those cases where when someone tells you something about themselves, it works out better for everyone if you just believe them. This is the kind of relationship he wants to have and that's a valid choice for him. Is it the kind of relationship you want to have? That's up to you. If you don't want to give up on the relationship, maybe there is a way for the two of you to work on more frequent in-person meetings.
posted by bleep at 3:28 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by bleep at 3:28 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
What are each of your goals for the future of this relationship?
Do you see this as eventually becoming more than a casual but ongoing thing where you see each other once a week and don't really interact otherwise? Or are you (either of you, both of you) thinking that this will eventually become a relationship where you spend more time together?
Is there a disconnect between how each of you would answer that question?
More to the point, is this fulfilling what you're looking for in an ongoing relationship? What would you do if he said, "No, this is the amount of contact I want to have and am not interested in ever seeing you more or talking more"?
I personally dislike talking on the phone (and would put Skype or FaceTime in the same category, in fact even worse because if I'm not well dressed/groomed or my house is messy I won't want to at all), but I do like texting and other types of not in person interaction with my partner. Also... maybe this isn't something one can assume about other people, but usually if I'm crazy about my partner I want to see them and talk to them as much as possible. My life might preclude more than once a week, but I would at least passionately agree that we should see each other more and the weekly arrangement wasn't sustainable. I would not actively fight interacting with someone I was over the moon about.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 3:50 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
Do you see this as eventually becoming more than a casual but ongoing thing where you see each other once a week and don't really interact otherwise? Or are you (either of you, both of you) thinking that this will eventually become a relationship where you spend more time together?
Is there a disconnect between how each of you would answer that question?
More to the point, is this fulfilling what you're looking for in an ongoing relationship? What would you do if he said, "No, this is the amount of contact I want to have and am not interested in ever seeing you more or talking more"?
I personally dislike talking on the phone (and would put Skype or FaceTime in the same category, in fact even worse because if I'm not well dressed/groomed or my house is messy I won't want to at all), but I do like texting and other types of not in person interaction with my partner. Also... maybe this isn't something one can assume about other people, but usually if I'm crazy about my partner I want to see them and talk to them as much as possible. My life might preclude more than once a week, but I would at least passionately agree that we should see each other more and the weekly arrangement wasn't sustainable. I would not actively fight interacting with someone I was over the moon about.
posted by the milkman, the paper boy at 3:50 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
I am in the same boat, blue_eyes. I have been with my girlfriend for about 7 months and at the beginning she was was always responsive, eager to hang out, and we spoke on the phone when we hadn't seen each other for a few days.
Lately it has been daily texts, but only once a week (or less) actual phone conversations or getting together in person. Like you, this isn't enough for me. I know she is very busy, but I told her a simple "goodnight, I'm going to bed, talk to you later" phone call once or twice a week helps me feel more connected.
She made it clear that she wasn't able (read: willing) to go to that effort, and I need someone who puts forth more of an effort, so I plan on breaking things off this weekend.
I know not everyone feels the same way. Not everyone needs some sort of consistent or constant verbal interaction to keep the spark alive. But I am the type of person who needs it, and the lack of meaningful checking in during the week has effectively killed our relationship.
It sounds like you might be feeling a similar way...
(My problem is compounded by the fact that I quit drinking alcohol about three months ago, so I no longer go hang out at the bar at night to socialize, thus I have a lot more free time. It is easier to make the lonely nights slide by when you drink.)
posted by tacodave at 3:51 PM on February 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
Lately it has been daily texts, but only once a week (or less) actual phone conversations or getting together in person. Like you, this isn't enough for me. I know she is very busy, but I told her a simple "goodnight, I'm going to bed, talk to you later" phone call once or twice a week helps me feel more connected.
She made it clear that she wasn't able (read: willing) to go to that effort, and I need someone who puts forth more of an effort, so I plan on breaking things off this weekend.
I know not everyone feels the same way. Not everyone needs some sort of consistent or constant verbal interaction to keep the spark alive. But I am the type of person who needs it, and the lack of meaningful checking in during the week has effectively killed our relationship.
It sounds like you might be feeling a similar way...
(My problem is compounded by the fact that I quit drinking alcohol about three months ago, so I no longer go hang out at the bar at night to socialize, thus I have a lot more free time. It is easier to make the lonely nights slide by when you drink.)
posted by tacodave at 3:51 PM on February 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
I spent a lot of time thinking about this in a recent relationship: when something is pretty good but you're not getting as much time/energy from the person as you want, do you compromise and accept that (which is hard to do because it's stressful) or is it time to move on?
The thing is, it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job articulating your wants and needs... and your partner seems not willing to compromise to meet them. Having talked on the phone in a not-great relationship seems like a really weird reason not to talk on the phone in future relationships. The phone is just a medium.
I think the bigger question here -- aside from this particular relationship -- is what do you want in a relationship? Do you want someone you see once a week and barely interact with otherwise? Or do you want something that can escalate into something more down the road?
It sounds like your partner has put some pretty big boundaries around his time and availability and has limited where it can go.
The other thing that is important to me: mutuality. If it's casual, and that's what we both want, great! If we see each other infrequently but once of us wants more, that's not so great. I want to be with someone who feels as strongly for me as I do for him, who is two feet in.
Do you feel like he's two feet in? It sounds like you are and he isn't.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:05 PM on February 15, 2019 [6 favorites]
The thing is, it sounds like you're doing a pretty good job articulating your wants and needs... and your partner seems not willing to compromise to meet them. Having talked on the phone in a not-great relationship seems like a really weird reason not to talk on the phone in future relationships. The phone is just a medium.
I think the bigger question here -- aside from this particular relationship -- is what do you want in a relationship? Do you want someone you see once a week and barely interact with otherwise? Or do you want something that can escalate into something more down the road?
It sounds like your partner has put some pretty big boundaries around his time and availability and has limited where it can go.
The other thing that is important to me: mutuality. If it's casual, and that's what we both want, great! If we see each other infrequently but once of us wants more, that's not so great. I want to be with someone who feels as strongly for me as I do for him, who is two feet in.
Do you feel like he's two feet in? It sounds like you are and he isn't.
posted by bluedaisy at 4:05 PM on February 15, 2019 [6 favorites]
Sounds like he's totally getting what he wants from this relationship, and you're totally not getting what you want. Seems like a dealbreaker to me.
Also, is he married, or does he have a girlfriend, or some other situation he's hiding from you? Because he seems to be working quite hard at keeping you in a tiny little box that he controls.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:15 PM on February 15, 2019 [27 favorites]
Also, is he married, or does he have a girlfriend, or some other situation he's hiding from you? Because he seems to be working quite hard at keeping you in a tiny little box that he controls.
posted by BlahLaLa at 4:15 PM on February 15, 2019 [27 favorites]
I think some comments are assuming that you're on a "relationship escalator" that needs to lead to more time/ commitment/ something for the relationship to continue. If that's what you do want, that's cool and you should seek it out either from this partner or others, but remember that it's not automatically necessary for a good, meaningful, ongoing relationship.
Meanwhile, what I see is that you spend 16-24 hours with this person each week and e-mail every single day, and I think that's a lot! Again, wanting more or different communication isn't a bad thing, but don't forget that you ARE getting quite a bit of his life. Make sure you want more because YOU want more and not because you think you SHOULD want more.
(That said, don't try to be understanding/ undemanding if that prevents you from getting what you need... you have needs too!)
Some ideas/ rhetorical questions:
Have you been as creative as possible about finding ways to get together more? Utilizing lunch breaks from work, breakfasts before work, exercising or walking the dog together after work, getting dessert together with the kids if either of you have them,etc.?
It sounds like the phone is a particular hang-up for him, though if it's important to you I would keep on trying; he hasn't said no. It's not 100%clear to me if texting, etc. are things that would be meaningful for you and that you're tried them but he's rejected them too. If you have tried, have you also talked to him about those options and why they're not working? What does he say?
Can you think more on what you want from these communications? To feel heard, to feel connected, to better share your days, to be reassured that he cares, to know what he's doing, to feel gooey from hearing his voice? If you figure that out, does it help identify other ways you can feel connected to him that might work better for you both?
What are his suggestions? Are you doing all the work in figuring this out?
If part of the issue is that you wish you were getting more frequent sex,are there ways to make that less frustrating even if you can't make that happen?
posted by metasarah at 4:15 PM on February 15, 2019
Meanwhile, what I see is that you spend 16-24 hours with this person each week and e-mail every single day, and I think that's a lot! Again, wanting more or different communication isn't a bad thing, but don't forget that you ARE getting quite a bit of his life. Make sure you want more because YOU want more and not because you think you SHOULD want more.
(That said, don't try to be understanding/ undemanding if that prevents you from getting what you need... you have needs too!)
Some ideas/ rhetorical questions:
Have you been as creative as possible about finding ways to get together more? Utilizing lunch breaks from work, breakfasts before work, exercising or walking the dog together after work, getting dessert together with the kids if either of you have them,etc.?
It sounds like the phone is a particular hang-up for him, though if it's important to you I would keep on trying; he hasn't said no. It's not 100%clear to me if texting, etc. are things that would be meaningful for you and that you're tried them but he's rejected them too. If you have tried, have you also talked to him about those options and why they're not working? What does he say?
Can you think more on what you want from these communications? To feel heard, to feel connected, to better share your days, to be reassured that he cares, to know what he's doing, to feel gooey from hearing his voice? If you figure that out, does it help identify other ways you can feel connected to him that might work better for you both?
What are his suggestions? Are you doing all the work in figuring this out?
If part of the issue is that you wish you were getting more frequent sex,are there ways to make that less frustrating even if you can't make that happen?
posted by metasarah at 4:15 PM on February 15, 2019
Response by poster: Hello everyone. Really appreciate the comments. It's all very helpful. I thought about why I want more, and it's the week in between of no "real" contact that's not working for me at the moment. I think perhaps I'll put a time limit on it/have a re-read and think about this over the weekend, the questions and info everyone has posted is really useful. Will probably close off soon. I do want more from the relationship, and perhaps that won't change. He is also very controlling. He nearly died from his illness, and I think that and his upbringing has left him wanting things to be a certain way. Which includes interactions with me (he always wants to plan dates and tells me when he'll contact me). Initially I thought well it's not controlling in an abusive way but it's leaving me feeling constrained.
posted by blue_eyes at 4:45 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by blue_eyes at 4:45 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: (My problem is compounded by the fact that I quit drinking alcohol about three months ago, so I no longer go hang out at the bar at night to socialize, thus I have a lot more free time. It is easier to make the lonely nights slide by when you drink.)
Congrats on quitting! I just wanted to say I hear you tacodave. I gave up drinking 3 years ago. I go to recovery groups which isn't everyone's thing, but one thing someone said to me recently that I'm about to start doing... find one activity you can do with a group every single week. As if you go each week then you get to know everyone, will meet people and it helps with the loneliness. I used to do a lot of writing groups, had stopped that now about to do something else. The lonely nights do go if you find something else.
posted by blue_eyes at 4:48 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
Congrats on quitting! I just wanted to say I hear you tacodave. I gave up drinking 3 years ago. I go to recovery groups which isn't everyone's thing, but one thing someone said to me recently that I'm about to start doing... find one activity you can do with a group every single week. As if you go each week then you get to know everyone, will meet people and it helps with the loneliness. I used to do a lot of writing groups, had stopped that now about to do something else. The lonely nights do go if you find something else.
posted by blue_eyes at 4:48 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
So you definitely do have the option to stop trying and find someone who matches your desired communication-drive better. That is probably the EASIER route, rather than trying to get someone to change. But at the same time he's been agreeable about trying it for you, so maybe you should put in the effort to try it.
I kinda get that you don't like the idea of making an appointment with your significant other to talk to them. It IS a little unromantic. But in a way we all do this with partners.
I like to text my husband a lot, but he works from home half the week and in the office half the week, and I don't hear from him on office days. He also doesn't hear from me much on office days because I know he's busy and has a hard time replying. So we've never had a real discussion where he tells me to only text him on mondays and tuesdays because he's available, but the result is the same.
I essentially have open times where it's good to text and closed times where I know he won't answer. It might help to think of the scheduling of talk-time as actually a pretty normal thing that most people just discover through context instead of a upfront discussion.
I call my mom every day when I walk home from the train and she gets the dog's dinner ready, because it's a good time for both of us! See? Normal.
If we were in a relationship and you wanted this from me, I would also be happy to talk more. But I would expect that you sort of figure it out, because you are the one with the heightened desire for communication. You should to be the one to take the lead here. Schedule the bi-weekly skype. Pick a time when you're both doing something mindless (walking a dog? elliptical? Cleaning? Cooking?) to talk on the phone. You said he emails you. Is he more comfortable with typing on the computer than the phone? I use google hangouts (or whatever it's called now.. gchat?) instead of text as much as I can as I'd much rather type on the computer than on my phone during the day. Maybe you could set something like that up. Pushbullet can answer your texts on your computer as well.
Oh! Also, google has a service called Duo where you can like, leave little video messages for people - kind of like snapchat I guess though I haven't ever used a snapchat, I'm old. But, we use Duo quite a bit as we often travel separately and are super busy at super different times. So you just get a little video message that you can watch whenever you have time, and then send one back when you have a moment. It's really fun, only takes a literal minute to do, and makes me feel very loved and thought about. It gives the other person a visual window into what you're up to and they hear your voice and you can give them some quick updates on your day. It's nice, I think you should try it out.
posted by euphoria066 at 4:50 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
I kinda get that you don't like the idea of making an appointment with your significant other to talk to them. It IS a little unromantic. But in a way we all do this with partners.
I like to text my husband a lot, but he works from home half the week and in the office half the week, and I don't hear from him on office days. He also doesn't hear from me much on office days because I know he's busy and has a hard time replying. So we've never had a real discussion where he tells me to only text him on mondays and tuesdays because he's available, but the result is the same.
I essentially have open times where it's good to text and closed times where I know he won't answer. It might help to think of the scheduling of talk-time as actually a pretty normal thing that most people just discover through context instead of a upfront discussion.
I call my mom every day when I walk home from the train and she gets the dog's dinner ready, because it's a good time for both of us! See? Normal.
If we were in a relationship and you wanted this from me, I would also be happy to talk more. But I would expect that you sort of figure it out, because you are the one with the heightened desire for communication. You should to be the one to take the lead here. Schedule the bi-weekly skype. Pick a time when you're both doing something mindless (walking a dog? elliptical? Cleaning? Cooking?) to talk on the phone. You said he emails you. Is he more comfortable with typing on the computer than the phone? I use google hangouts (or whatever it's called now.. gchat?) instead of text as much as I can as I'd much rather type on the computer than on my phone during the day. Maybe you could set something like that up. Pushbullet can answer your texts on your computer as well.
Oh! Also, google has a service called Duo where you can like, leave little video messages for people - kind of like snapchat I guess though I haven't ever used a snapchat, I'm old. But, we use Duo quite a bit as we often travel separately and are super busy at super different times. So you just get a little video message that you can watch whenever you have time, and then send one back when you have a moment. It's really fun, only takes a literal minute to do, and makes me feel very loved and thought about. It gives the other person a visual window into what you're up to and they hear your voice and you can give them some quick updates on your day. It's nice, I think you should try it out.
posted by euphoria066 at 4:50 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]
he always wants to plan dates and tells me when he'll contact me
Wow, it sounds like he has some pretty strong boundaries around your relationship and when you're allowed to contact him. I would find that very difficult, especially if I felt like he wasn't doing enough to accommodate my needs. (Like, anything?)
You've mentioned a few times that he's this way because of his illness. I spoke with my therapist recently about someone I was dating and a certain behavior I saw that I thought was maybe new in his life, following his divorce. Her take was the behavior I was seeing was not the kind of thing that usually changes that much. Rather, maybe that's just how he is and how he behaves.
Someone was has been ill doesn't get a pass to give you less than you want in a relationship.
Here's the other thing, about attachment: someone who has a secure attachment style should feel good and comfortable to you. They would be someone who would understand that checking in in between dates was a good way to reassure you. In fact, could it be that you're drawn to him because he has an avoidant style? That the push-pull has you on a bit of a roller coaster? I'm presuming you've read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment?
It sounds like you want a relationship where you see the person more often. That's okay! It's fine and healthy. But it sounds like this guy isn't going to give you that. I'm sorry.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:55 PM on February 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
Wow, it sounds like he has some pretty strong boundaries around your relationship and when you're allowed to contact him. I would find that very difficult, especially if I felt like he wasn't doing enough to accommodate my needs. (Like, anything?)
You've mentioned a few times that he's this way because of his illness. I spoke with my therapist recently about someone I was dating and a certain behavior I saw that I thought was maybe new in his life, following his divorce. Her take was the behavior I was seeing was not the kind of thing that usually changes that much. Rather, maybe that's just how he is and how he behaves.
Someone was has been ill doesn't get a pass to give you less than you want in a relationship.
Here's the other thing, about attachment: someone who has a secure attachment style should feel good and comfortable to you. They would be someone who would understand that checking in in between dates was a good way to reassure you. In fact, could it be that you're drawn to him because he has an avoidant style? That the push-pull has you on a bit of a roller coaster? I'm presuming you've read the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment?
It sounds like you want a relationship where you see the person more often. That's okay! It's fine and healthy. But it sounds like this guy isn't going to give you that. I'm sorry.
posted by bluedaisy at 5:55 PM on February 15, 2019 [12 favorites]
You have repeatedly brought up something that is important to you and he doesn’t care enough to make it happen. You’re getting some really strange advice here, listen to BlahLaLa and dump him.
posted by cakelite at 5:57 PM on February 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by cakelite at 5:57 PM on February 15, 2019 [9 favorites]
Imagine this the other way around:
He had repeatedly expressed to you how 6 days of alone time a week was super important to him and to the necessity of him remaining interested in you and the relationship... and then you were just like , "Well... you can have a scheduled alone time on the computer once a week for an hour maybe and the rest you'll spend with me, on the phone with me or texting me and don't be demanding and ask for more alone time because *I'm* happy with things being this way."
You think he'd still be kicking in there 9 months later? Stop bending over backwards all the time for someone who won't lift a finger, literally, for you even once a week.
posted by OnefortheLast at 6:16 PM on February 15, 2019 [6 favorites]
He had repeatedly expressed to you how 6 days of alone time a week was super important to him and to the necessity of him remaining interested in you and the relationship... and then you were just like , "Well... you can have a scheduled alone time on the computer once a week for an hour maybe and the rest you'll spend with me, on the phone with me or texting me and don't be demanding and ask for more alone time because *I'm* happy with things being this way."
You think he'd still be kicking in there 9 months later? Stop bending over backwards all the time for someone who won't lift a finger, literally, for you even once a week.
posted by OnefortheLast at 6:16 PM on February 15, 2019 [6 favorites]
I'm with cakelite and BlahLaLa, it seems like you are making all the sacrifices to accommodate his MO and he is making none to very few to accommodate yours.. if it were me that would lead to a lot of building up of resentments.
As an aside, sometimes I wonder, academically I guess, if advice one gets about this sort of thing on text-based internet forums isn't a bit skewed by virtue of the venue - people here might be more likely to be people who prefer text-based asynchronous interactions. Sometimes I think those those of us on the other side of the street are increasingly rare creatures, particularly in internet land, these days: those of us who hate * planning * a phone call, wish people would randomly call each other like they did in the 90s, wish people would try to make a conscious effort to overcome the idea that their time and schedules are so precious and important that they trump human interaction and connectedness. I think this time in history really gives a bit of a carte blanche to folks who have real-time anxiety to just do absolutely nothing to push themselves to.. stay in touch and take some open-ended time to check in.
Anyway, all that digression is just to say, as you I'm sure know, you are not alone - this need to feel connected, especially to a significant other, but also just to other homo sapiens in general, the desire to hear someone's voice.. it is a basic human need.
posted by elgee at 6:19 PM on February 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
As an aside, sometimes I wonder, academically I guess, if advice one gets about this sort of thing on text-based internet forums isn't a bit skewed by virtue of the venue - people here might be more likely to be people who prefer text-based asynchronous interactions. Sometimes I think those those of us on the other side of the street are increasingly rare creatures, particularly in internet land, these days: those of us who hate * planning * a phone call, wish people would randomly call each other like they did in the 90s, wish people would try to make a conscious effort to overcome the idea that their time and schedules are so precious and important that they trump human interaction and connectedness. I think this time in history really gives a bit of a carte blanche to folks who have real-time anxiety to just do absolutely nothing to push themselves to.. stay in touch and take some open-ended time to check in.
Anyway, all that digression is just to say, as you I'm sure know, you are not alone - this need to feel connected, especially to a significant other, but also just to other homo sapiens in general, the desire to hear someone's voice.. it is a basic human need.
posted by elgee at 6:19 PM on February 15, 2019 [5 favorites]
The fact that he is a controlling person is reason enough to look elsewhere. Also Nthing that he may have another relationship going on.
I was once involved with a guy where I always wanted more contact, but had to make do with the tiny crumbs of interest he gave me. Time wasted, it was not worth it. If someone really wants to be with you, they will make you a priority, not keep you at arm's length.
posted by cats are weird at 6:33 PM on February 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
I was once involved with a guy where I always wanted more contact, but had to make do with the tiny crumbs of interest he gave me. Time wasted, it was not worth it. If someone really wants to be with you, they will make you a priority, not keep you at arm's length.
posted by cats are weird at 6:33 PM on February 15, 2019 [4 favorites]
Which includes interactions with me (he always wants to plan dates and tells me when he'll contact me). Initially I thought well it's not controlling in an abusive way but it's leaving me feeling constrained.
If your gut is calling the word abusive to mind you should listen to it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt before but not so much now.
posted by bleep at 6:56 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
If your gut is calling the word abusive to mind you should listen to it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt before but not so much now.
posted by bleep at 6:56 PM on February 15, 2019 [3 favorites]
It sounds like he is not trying to control you in the classic sense but he really needs a lot of control over the relationship - the frequency and especially the timing and nature of interactions. It sounds like a big deal to him (and he hasn't been willing or able to change just because you requested it) which makes this is fairly ingrained for him and hard to change.
My gut feeling is that if you like the way the relationship is now, there is no reason to do anything. But since you seem to want a higher of connection (and perhaps in growing over time), I would really question whether he is the right match for you.
posted by metahawk at 7:41 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
My gut feeling is that if you like the way the relationship is now, there is no reason to do anything. But since you seem to want a higher of connection (and perhaps in growing over time), I would really question whether he is the right match for you.
posted by metahawk at 7:41 PM on February 15, 2019 [2 favorites]
He had also said that in previous relationships he'd spoken on the phone a lot but the last one was really dysfunctional
If he decides this relationship is dysfunctional, is he going to refuse to email his next partner? This is ridiculous.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:39 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
If he decides this relationship is dysfunctional, is he going to refuse to email his next partner? This is ridiculous.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:39 AM on February 16, 2019 [4 favorites]
He said he'd expected me to take the lead from our last conversation, but that he would be willing to have skype calls going forward.
I didn't bring up the texting or whatsapp lack of communication with him..
I can't quite tell from your account, but it sort of sounds like while you've told him you want to talk on the phone, you're still kinda waiting for him to take a proactive role -- to be initiating calls and texts with you. And he's made it pretty clear that while he's willing to do those things, he's expecting you to take the lead. So why not try that? It might feel awful, as if you have to work really hard to get what you need from him. Or it might be great -- maybe making the initial call is difficult for him, but once you guys are there talking, he'll loosen up.
posted by attentionplease at 7:20 AM on February 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
I didn't bring up the texting or whatsapp lack of communication with him..
I can't quite tell from your account, but it sort of sounds like while you've told him you want to talk on the phone, you're still kinda waiting for him to take a proactive role -- to be initiating calls and texts with you. And he's made it pretty clear that while he's willing to do those things, he's expecting you to take the lead. So why not try that? It might feel awful, as if you have to work really hard to get what you need from him. Or it might be great -- maybe making the initial call is difficult for him, but once you guys are there talking, he'll loosen up.
posted by attentionplease at 7:20 AM on February 16, 2019 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I wanted to say a big thanks to everyone - it's really made me think to see it all laid out. I think this week will be make or break as I need to be in a relationship that will work for both of us. The advice was very helpful - appreciate it.
posted by blue_eyes at 1:13 PM on February 17, 2019
posted by blue_eyes at 1:13 PM on February 17, 2019
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by pinochiette at 3:20 PM on February 15, 2019 [1 favorite]