What angles am I missing here?
February 2, 2019 4:49 AM Subscribe
Apparently it's not that easy to have it all. Help a not-so-young-anymore woman prioritize career and the other stuff.
I'm a heterosexual woman in my early 30s and I'm single. I've had a few semi-serious relationships over the years, but never been married, engaged, or seriously co-habitated. It is very important to me to have a partner in life, and although I'm not 100% committed to having children (I don't think I would do it alone, for example), it would be a huge emotional loss to never have the option.
Meanwhile, I am also a professional in a very intense industry, and extremely good at my job; probably in the top 1% in my field for my career stage. My career is extremely important to me and a huge part of my identity. I've built to this level living in City "Y" -- a medium size city with a medium amount of industry and other professionals. The small handful of semi-serious relationships I've had in the past few years were men I met through online dating here.
I'm now at a crossroads in my career and have three options that I am seriously struggling to choose among:
1. Option A, in City Z: Any impartial observer would say Option A is the best choice for my career. It will almost definitely open up opportunities for me in the future that would only be achievable through very hard work and luck at the other options. Career-wise, Option A is unquestionably the best move. Unfortunately, City Z is much smaller than my current city, and Option A is sort of "the only game in town" -- I've checked online dating apps there and it seemed very bleak.
2. Option B, in City Y: This is my current city. I could move into a new role where I am now. This would be a step down from Option A, but still OK for my career and likely to still keep most doors open for me down the road. Although City Y is good sized and seems to have a decent amount of single men within an acceptable age range, I feel very stagnant, and (although I know there's no way it's true), I feel like I have dated everyone here already.
3. Option C, in City X: The worst career opportunity of the three. With a lot of hard work and luck I would do fine, but simply not in the same class as either A or B. However, City X is much bigger than City Z or even City Y; it feels like I would be most likely to meet someone there. My extended family is in City X, which would be nice (I haven't lived in the same city as them in a long time), but isn't enough to pull me in by itself.
So in summary, career wise, A > B > C, but location wise, X > Y > Z. I fear that the years are slipping away from me, and if I choose Option A I might look back on it as the moment that I threw away the chance to have the emotional connection and stable partnership I've really longed for in my adult life. On the other hand, I could easily choose Option C and have absolutely nothing to show for it (stay single indefinitely and hamstring my career). Option B sometimes seems like the right compromise, but the feeling of stagnation and disappointment at staying is strong.
I know that strangers on the internet can't make this decision for me with this extremely vague problem representation, nor can you predict where I'll actually meet the right man, but I know this isn't exactly the most original problem ever posed, and I'm hoping you might have ways of reframing this dilemma that will help me figure it out. I'm feeling very stuck. If you've faced a situation like this, how did you decide? Do you regret your decision?
I'm a heterosexual woman in my early 30s and I'm single. I've had a few semi-serious relationships over the years, but never been married, engaged, or seriously co-habitated. It is very important to me to have a partner in life, and although I'm not 100% committed to having children (I don't think I would do it alone, for example), it would be a huge emotional loss to never have the option.
Meanwhile, I am also a professional in a very intense industry, and extremely good at my job; probably in the top 1% in my field for my career stage. My career is extremely important to me and a huge part of my identity. I've built to this level living in City "Y" -- a medium size city with a medium amount of industry and other professionals. The small handful of semi-serious relationships I've had in the past few years were men I met through online dating here.
I'm now at a crossroads in my career and have three options that I am seriously struggling to choose among:
1. Option A, in City Z: Any impartial observer would say Option A is the best choice for my career. It will almost definitely open up opportunities for me in the future that would only be achievable through very hard work and luck at the other options. Career-wise, Option A is unquestionably the best move. Unfortunately, City Z is much smaller than my current city, and Option A is sort of "the only game in town" -- I've checked online dating apps there and it seemed very bleak.
2. Option B, in City Y: This is my current city. I could move into a new role where I am now. This would be a step down from Option A, but still OK for my career and likely to still keep most doors open for me down the road. Although City Y is good sized and seems to have a decent amount of single men within an acceptable age range, I feel very stagnant, and (although I know there's no way it's true), I feel like I have dated everyone here already.
3. Option C, in City X: The worst career opportunity of the three. With a lot of hard work and luck I would do fine, but simply not in the same class as either A or B. However, City X is much bigger than City Z or even City Y; it feels like I would be most likely to meet someone there. My extended family is in City X, which would be nice (I haven't lived in the same city as them in a long time), but isn't enough to pull me in by itself.
So in summary, career wise, A > B > C, but location wise, X > Y > Z. I fear that the years are slipping away from me, and if I choose Option A I might look back on it as the moment that I threw away the chance to have the emotional connection and stable partnership I've really longed for in my adult life. On the other hand, I could easily choose Option C and have absolutely nothing to show for it (stay single indefinitely and hamstring my career). Option B sometimes seems like the right compromise, but the feeling of stagnation and disappointment at staying is strong.
I know that strangers on the internet can't make this decision for me with this extremely vague problem representation, nor can you predict where I'll actually meet the right man, but I know this isn't exactly the most original problem ever posed, and I'm hoping you might have ways of reframing this dilemma that will help me figure it out. I'm feeling very stuck. If you've faced a situation like this, how did you decide? Do you regret your decision?
Well, despite loving many romantic comedies at the cinema, my own love life hasn't been a success, but you are asking for opinions so ... I will relate an anecdote. When someone I know was choosing between Glasgow and London to start her one-person business, she kept weighing up the options and pros and cons of each. Finally she had a phone chat with her mentor. The mentor said it was a no-brainer because when she spoke about London she sounded stressed but when she spoke about Glasgow you could practically hear her beaming smiles down the phone line. In this case, regardless of it being potentially a good compromise, the language you use about option B just sounds very deflated. Career is important to you and you sound excited about the opportunities in A to reach your full potential. If you are also earning more in A you can therefore allocate a bigger budget for a partner search - somewhat superficial things like really nice clothes and professional photos for your dating profile and going to the events you like might put you in contact with someone you like, all those cost money, but that would not be a problem. Also if you tried option A for 2-3 years at the same or better level career-wise as you are now, but struck out on the love front, you would have a better resume for trying the other two options. This makes option C sound the riskiest of all, because your career momentum could go backwards and it would be terribly hard work regaining it even back to the level you are now. If I was answering this questions for my personality, I think the correct answer would be B, but not just sticking with the status quo - making a more strategic attempt at online dating, employing a dating coach etc. However from the way you have framed the question and the importance you place on career identity I think A sounds like the best option for you.
posted by AuroraSky at 5:29 AM on February 2, 2019 [24 favorites]
posted by AuroraSky at 5:29 AM on February 2, 2019 [24 favorites]
So on the one hand you have the known: Option A in City Z, offering you guaranteed fantastic opportunities for your career; and on the other hand you have the unknown: Option C in City X, which you think MAY offer you better possibilities for finding someone, given some luck. But you'll probably be bored and unhappy with your work. Let's not even bother considering Option B. That stagnant feeling is a big no-no.
For me, the bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I would go for Option A, all day every day. Challenge yourself and get in an expansive mindset and you'll be that much more attractive to fabulous people.
And if you don't stumble on true love in city Z? Give it 18 months and then use the swanky CV and that additional experience to look for an even better job in a more diverse dating city.
posted by doornoise at 5:31 AM on February 2, 2019 [50 favorites]
For me, the bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I would go for Option A, all day every day. Challenge yourself and get in an expansive mindset and you'll be that much more attractive to fabulous people.
And if you don't stumble on true love in city Z? Give it 18 months and then use the swanky CV and that additional experience to look for an even better job in a more diverse dating city.
posted by doornoise at 5:31 AM on February 2, 2019 [50 favorites]
What's under your control? Relationships aren't, exactly - but career is. Option A sounds best suited for you. IF you never did find a partner, which is a possibility, better that you have a satisfying career to take pride and identity from than to have traded that off for the very uncertain benefits of a possible partnership that hasn't yet even materialized.
Also, you're leaping to assumptions that A won't bring you the best romantic prospects. That's definitely not something you can tell from a dating app. I've lived in small and big cities and there are often surprises to smaller ones in terms of the quality of the social scene. Consider the fact that in a smaller place people may actually be interacting a lot more in person and just have much less need of depending on dating apps.
A final note, don't assume you to have meet a partner in the city you live in. Do you travel? Have hobbies? Figure out what gets you out into the world. I can think of a lot of people who met a partner while on a long-distance trip, or doing some hobby that brought them together like running or cycling, when they lived in different spots. Or online. People do sometimes relocate and in the age of remote work, it's often on the table.
In short, you've got a really good thing going in your career, and you should follow that. Being less satisfied with your work is not going to make you a better relationship prospect, let alone the issue of finding someone you want to date.
posted by Miko at 6:23 AM on February 2, 2019 [28 favorites]
Also, you're leaping to assumptions that A won't bring you the best romantic prospects. That's definitely not something you can tell from a dating app. I've lived in small and big cities and there are often surprises to smaller ones in terms of the quality of the social scene. Consider the fact that in a smaller place people may actually be interacting a lot more in person and just have much less need of depending on dating apps.
A final note, don't assume you to have meet a partner in the city you live in. Do you travel? Have hobbies? Figure out what gets you out into the world. I can think of a lot of people who met a partner while on a long-distance trip, or doing some hobby that brought them together like running or cycling, when they lived in different spots. Or online. People do sometimes relocate and in the age of remote work, it's often on the table.
In short, you've got a really good thing going in your career, and you should follow that. Being less satisfied with your work is not going to make you a better relationship prospect, let alone the issue of finding someone you want to date.
posted by Miko at 6:23 AM on February 2, 2019 [28 favorites]
I'd say Option A. Your excellent career is a bird you have in the hand. I might advise differently if you knew a great romantic prospect was waiting for you in city X, but all you have there is a larger pool, which doesn't guarantee anything.
Having a career you're great at and established in is a very big deal, and having that established before you have children is a huge boon -- hard to overstate, really. Go, excel at your career. If romance comes (and I agree with whoever said above that a larger pool does NOT AT ALL necessarily make that more likely) then all to the good: you'll be well positioned to have lots of options for how to arrange your life post-marriage. If it doesn't, well, you have a wonderful career and resulting economic/professional status to have lots of options.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:44 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Having a career you're great at and established in is a very big deal, and having that established before you have children is a huge boon -- hard to overstate, really. Go, excel at your career. If romance comes (and I agree with whoever said above that a larger pool does NOT AT ALL necessarily make that more likely) then all to the good: you'll be well positioned to have lots of options for how to arrange your life post-marriage. If it doesn't, well, you have a wonderful career and resulting economic/professional status to have lots of options.
posted by fingersandtoes at 6:44 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Option A! I have to say, I live in a big city and am a woman in my mid-thirties and the dating here is much more terrible than it was in the mid-sized city I lived in for the first half of my 30s, or in the small town where I spent most of my 20s. Bigger cities are just not the best places for dating. Something about the large dating pool makes it harder to find someone. Everyone is a lot flakier and a lot meaner, in my experience. Options B and C both sound like steps backward, the way you are taking about them. Option A will certainly open doors in your life, while options B and C may or may not do so.
posted by sockermom at 6:53 AM on February 2, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by sockermom at 6:53 AM on February 2, 2019 [11 favorites]
Nobody lays upon their death bed wishing they had spent more time at the office, but some people wish they had spent more time with family.
Perhaps some food for thought thought. I’d go for the place that seems the most fun and most sociable for you. It may or may not be city X. But from my perspective, humans are generally social creatures and have been for several millennia; careers are something we invented in the recent past.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:08 AM on February 2, 2019
Perhaps some food for thought thought. I’d go for the place that seems the most fun and most sociable for you. It may or may not be city X. But from my perspective, humans are generally social creatures and have been for several millennia; careers are something we invented in the recent past.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:08 AM on February 2, 2019
Nobody lays upon their death bed wishing they had spent more time at the office...careers are something we invented in the recent past.
I think this might be something that depends upon your field and career. For a lot of people, career is a way to fulfiment and influence on the world, and for a lot of us, many of our closest friends are colleagues. This is certainly true for many academics I know and also for people in my own field (cultural orgs). So career doesn't always fight with personal life - for some, it is a way of having a personal life.
posted by Miko at 7:22 AM on February 2, 2019 [35 favorites]
I think this might be something that depends upon your field and career. For a lot of people, career is a way to fulfiment and influence on the world, and for a lot of us, many of our closest friends are colleagues. This is certainly true for many academics I know and also for people in my own field (cultural orgs). So career doesn't always fight with personal life - for some, it is a way of having a personal life.
posted by Miko at 7:22 AM on February 2, 2019 [35 favorites]
You’re posing this as a choice between career and a relationship, but it’s just a choice for the next step in your career (assuming you actually have a job offer in city Z).
You don’t need a whole city of men, you’re looking for just one. Population isn’t the only determining factor in your odds for finding Mr Perfect. For instance, a city where values/culture most align with yours, or has more access to activities/hobbies you enjoy will give you more chance of finding a suitable partner who shares your interests. And people find their life partners in the most unexpected places, it’s really hard to game it. You could meet him in an airport, on a trip, or at a party visiting a friend in city W. Who knows. After that happens, you might actually end up in a choice between career and relationship and we’ll talk again :)
In the meantime, base your choice on the things that are known. Go to city Z and kick ass.
posted by jshort at 7:34 AM on February 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
You don’t need a whole city of men, you’re looking for just one. Population isn’t the only determining factor in your odds for finding Mr Perfect. For instance, a city where values/culture most align with yours, or has more access to activities/hobbies you enjoy will give you more chance of finding a suitable partner who shares your interests. And people find their life partners in the most unexpected places, it’s really hard to game it. You could meet him in an airport, on a trip, or at a party visiting a friend in city W. Who knows. After that happens, you might actually end up in a choice between career and relationship and we’ll talk again :)
In the meantime, base your choice on the things that are known. Go to city Z and kick ass.
posted by jshort at 7:34 AM on February 2, 2019 [8 favorites]
I want to second the comments above about how dating can perversely be much more difficult in a big city compared to a smaller city or town. I found my husband in an extremely small town (~30000 permanent residents) and have often felt glad that I don't have to date in the big city I live in now. My good friend lived in a much bigger city and had a much tougher time finding someone because people had this idea that the absolute perfect match was out there so they would reject reach other for very superficial things. I felt that smaller towns somehow encouraged one to move beyond superficial things to what is really important for compatability. You really don't need more than one person to love, and you're just as likely to find that person in a small town or a big city.
posted by peacheater at 7:42 AM on February 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by peacheater at 7:42 AM on February 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
A career is generally easier to assess than a relationship. I am quite sorry I ever met the person I married, who has had a very toxic effect on my life, even after many years of divorce.
Research the other work options. What is the work environment like? A good work environment makes a huge difference. Research the other towns, see if they have stuff going on you like.
Do you want to date? Or do you want a long term/ permanent relationship? Consider getting some coaching on finding a relationship and definitely consider online dating. 2nding jshort, You don’t need a whole city of men and salty, the place that seems the most fun and most sociable for you.
I moved to a location I love where career options were pretty terrible 40 years ago, and I would tell young me to go to a location where career options are great. I would tell you to look at these be thinking about the option that sparks joy/ excitement/ fulfillment, because that's worth pursuing, and people who are excited and engaged are very attractive to others and happier.
posted by theora55 at 7:43 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Research the other work options. What is the work environment like? A good work environment makes a huge difference. Research the other towns, see if they have stuff going on you like.
Do you want to date? Or do you want a long term/ permanent relationship? Consider getting some coaching on finding a relationship and definitely consider online dating. 2nding jshort, You don’t need a whole city of men and salty, the place that seems the most fun and most sociable for you.
I moved to a location I love where career options were pretty terrible 40 years ago, and I would tell young me to go to a location where career options are great. I would tell you to look at these be thinking about the option that sparks joy/ excitement/ fulfillment, because that's worth pursuing, and people who are excited and engaged are very attractive to others and happier.
posted by theora55 at 7:43 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
Go for Option A and make a serious attempt to love the city on its own terms. I lived in a tiny city for a while, and though my career ultimately took me elsewhere, I learned how to snowshoe and paint a room, met someone who built nyckelharpor, and figured out what to do with a bushel of bell peppers.
posted by yarntheory at 9:22 AM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by yarntheory at 9:22 AM on February 2, 2019 [3 favorites]
Adding to the vote for Option A, since career success sounds like it is an important part of your happiness, and the happier you are, the more attractive you are to potential dating partners.
The advice to try to really love the new city is sound, too. A smaller place might be an excellent opportunity to broaden your interests and try new things, thus making you happier and allowing you to meet new people.
posted by rpfields at 9:53 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
The advice to try to really love the new city is sound, too. A smaller place might be an excellent opportunity to broaden your interests and try new things, thus making you happier and allowing you to meet new people.
posted by rpfields at 9:53 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
IMPORT THAT HUNK.
I really liked that answer! Not that you would import a hunk but I would definitely recommend enlarging your search in the online dating regardless of which option you end up choosing. It worked for me at 32 years old and I am now married with 2 children (which has brought its own stresses!) but that special someone might be 2 states away or something! I ended up moving to his city but that was a no brainer for me. Look for profiles in cities where you travel often and make contact with people who travel to your region regularly. Even if it doesn't work out with some of them it gives you more options and when you have more options you feel better about stuff and when you feel better about stuff then your confidence rises and when your confidence rises then men just seem to come out of the woodwork everywhere.
posted by catspajammies at 9:56 AM on February 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
I really liked that answer! Not that you would import a hunk but I would definitely recommend enlarging your search in the online dating regardless of which option you end up choosing. It worked for me at 32 years old and I am now married with 2 children (which has brought its own stresses!) but that special someone might be 2 states away or something! I ended up moving to his city but that was a no brainer for me. Look for profiles in cities where you travel often and make contact with people who travel to your region regularly. Even if it doesn't work out with some of them it gives you more options and when you have more options you feel better about stuff and when you feel better about stuff then your confidence rises and when your confidence rises then men just seem to come out of the woodwork everywhere.
posted by catspajammies at 9:56 AM on February 2, 2019 [4 favorites]
Option A, yes yes yes yes yes.
If you're happier and more fulfilled and more YOU, the more attractive you become. You'll be notice and stand out there, and who knows where that someone will pop out from?
A dating app's talent pool doesn't reflect all that much. Dating may actually be worse in a bigger city, where people may be more inclined to give up and move on to the next one.
Go for the sure thing for YOU, and the rest will follow. Somehow.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:30 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
If you're happier and more fulfilled and more YOU, the more attractive you become. You'll be notice and stand out there, and who knows where that someone will pop out from?
A dating app's talent pool doesn't reflect all that much. Dating may actually be worse in a bigger city, where people may be more inclined to give up and move on to the next one.
Go for the sure thing for YOU, and the rest will follow. Somehow.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:30 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Here's what I'd keep in mind: your career status is pretty much eternally elastic and recoverable, from the way you describe it. Your relationship status, given you'd like the option of kids, is less so.
You could recover from a dip in your career, in other words, and return to the path of your professional ambitions (again, so it seems). But you couldn't as easily withhold your investment in finding your life partner for the next few years while preserving the option to do so at a much later time and have the same ambitions for that.
This decision is difficult and only you can make it based on what is really important to you. And I agree with the other points above that this choice , whichever one your make, does not cut off your relationship prospects on the one hand or guarantees your desired result on the other.
In the end, with tough choices, you have to make one, not look back, and then *make* it the right choice.
One other thought:
Imagine yourself in ten years' time and one of these areas of your life (career vs relationship happiness) is a slight disappointment. Neither one a disaster, but one is a little lacking, let's say. Now imagine it the other way. Which situation would you rather have?
posted by Philemon at 10:31 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
You could recover from a dip in your career, in other words, and return to the path of your professional ambitions (again, so it seems). But you couldn't as easily withhold your investment in finding your life partner for the next few years while preserving the option to do so at a much later time and have the same ambitions for that.
This decision is difficult and only you can make it based on what is really important to you. And I agree with the other points above that this choice , whichever one your make, does not cut off your relationship prospects on the one hand or guarantees your desired result on the other.
In the end, with tough choices, you have to make one, not look back, and then *make* it the right choice.
One other thought:
Imagine yourself in ten years' time and one of these areas of your life (career vs relationship happiness) is a slight disappointment. Neither one a disaster, but one is a little lacking, let's say. Now imagine it the other way. Which situation would you rather have?
posted by Philemon at 10:31 AM on February 2, 2019 [1 favorite]
This is a false dichotomy.
It sounds like the solution is Option A in city Z with DATING PLAN 1. The issue is rarely location, but much more frequently the attitudes and prioritizations that people bring into their personal life. So many women I know sound a bit like you (only in this ask! I recognize I don't know you outside of here) in talking extensively about their jobs and their potential cities but not what they're planning to do to make partnership and community their top priority. The only reason to not go for option A is if you can't look at yourself in the mirror honestly and tell yourself that despite taking a more intense position, you will prioritize building a meaningful community/relationship in the new location. This means dating like it's your second job, networking and being proactive about building friendships, organizing community events, taking on emotional labor (yes, sorry, emotional labor. I know it's a dirty phrase around here, but just like you need to put in employment labor to succeed in your career, you need to put in emotional labor to build an emotionally satisfying life). The question isn't what job and what city, it's what else are you planning to do to make finding a real partner happen.
posted by namesarehard at 10:42 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
It sounds like the solution is Option A in city Z with DATING PLAN 1. The issue is rarely location, but much more frequently the attitudes and prioritizations that people bring into their personal life. So many women I know sound a bit like you (only in this ask! I recognize I don't know you outside of here) in talking extensively about their jobs and their potential cities but not what they're planning to do to make partnership and community their top priority. The only reason to not go for option A is if you can't look at yourself in the mirror honestly and tell yourself that despite taking a more intense position, you will prioritize building a meaningful community/relationship in the new location. This means dating like it's your second job, networking and being proactive about building friendships, organizing community events, taking on emotional labor (yes, sorry, emotional labor. I know it's a dirty phrase around here, but just like you need to put in employment labor to succeed in your career, you need to put in emotional labor to build an emotionally satisfying life). The question isn't what job and what city, it's what else are you planning to do to make finding a real partner happen.
posted by namesarehard at 10:42 AM on February 2, 2019 [6 favorites]
Anecdote: my friend met her husband in a tiny town in the Poconos that she only moved to for a job fully expecting to leave for bigger things as soon as she had the experience. She did, but she took the husband back to NYC with her for a job at a major publisher. I doubt they would have found each other as quickly if at all in NYC.
Take Option A. You might be so lucky as to find someone who is happy to be the less career driven half of a partnership and will follow you. Nth getting out to cities U/V/W as often as possible for work or for pleasure and import the hunk, while still diving into small town social life with an open mind.
posted by slow graffiti at 10:51 AM on February 2, 2019
Take Option A. You might be so lucky as to find someone who is happy to be the less career driven half of a partnership and will follow you. Nth getting out to cities U/V/W as often as possible for work or for pleasure and import the hunk, while still diving into small town social life with an open mind.
posted by slow graffiti at 10:51 AM on February 2, 2019
The way you describe the three choices, it's really obvious which one you are drawn to. Option A for sure. It's the only one you sound excited about. You can meet men anywhere, you don't need a "large dating pool" you just need the right person, who may very well be in Option A.
posted by katypickle at 10:53 AM on February 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by katypickle at 10:53 AM on February 2, 2019 [5 favorites]
Option A sounds like clearly the best choice for your career, and if you're top 1% in your field for your age it sounds like your career is something you've really got going for you. I'd double down on that. Money may not buy happiness, but it will buy you out of a lot of misery. And in 2019, there's a lot of misery to be bought off.
Consider also that you're talking about option C as compromising on your career to widen your dating pool, but once you're there you may not actually do that. If you are driven and career-oriented and good at what you do, and it sounds like you are all of these, then you might just pour yourself into your work in a way that makes it very hard to date.
And, finally, while I don't speak for all men interested in women and children, I myself am very attracted to competent women with good careers. It's very comforting to know that my children would not be left destitute if I became unable to work.
I'm a little confused when you say, "Option A is sort of "the only game in town" -- I've checked online dating apps there and it seemed very bleak." I thought option A was an employer. Are you worried that if you get fired from A, you won't be able to find another job?
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 11:56 AM on February 2, 2019
Consider also that you're talking about option C as compromising on your career to widen your dating pool, but once you're there you may not actually do that. If you are driven and career-oriented and good at what you do, and it sounds like you are all of these, then you might just pour yourself into your work in a way that makes it very hard to date.
And, finally, while I don't speak for all men interested in women and children, I myself am very attracted to competent women with good careers. It's very comforting to know that my children would not be left destitute if I became unable to work.
I'm a little confused when you say, "Option A is sort of "the only game in town" -- I've checked online dating apps there and it seemed very bleak." I thought option A was an employer. Are you worried that if you get fired from A, you won't be able to find another job?
posted by meaty shoe puppet at 11:56 AM on February 2, 2019
Choose the city where you can have a fulfilling career and build a life outside of work. By that I don't necessarily mean the city with the largest dating pool, but one that has a vibe you like and an abundance of the things you're interested in exploring.
That said, having it all really only works if you're truly interested in having more than your job in your life. I don't want to make assumptions, but your post mentioned nothing about hobbies or other lifestyle stuff, which makes me wonder if you have any of that going on and if that's an issue that may follow you to other cities. There's nothing wrong with having career success be a large component of happiness for you (it sure is for me), but read what namesarehard said very carefully.
Yes, there are guys out there who are attracted to competent, career-oriented women, but that doesn't mean that they're going to be okay (particularly in the long run) with your life and identity entirely revolving around work. This is even true if you're dating someone from within your field.
posted by blerghamot at 12:44 PM on February 2, 2019
That said, having it all really only works if you're truly interested in having more than your job in your life. I don't want to make assumptions, but your post mentioned nothing about hobbies or other lifestyle stuff, which makes me wonder if you have any of that going on and if that's an issue that may follow you to other cities. There's nothing wrong with having career success be a large component of happiness for you (it sure is for me), but read what namesarehard said very carefully.
Yes, there are guys out there who are attracted to competent, career-oriented women, but that doesn't mean that they're going to be okay (particularly in the long run) with your life and identity entirely revolving around work. This is even true if you're dating someone from within your field.
posted by blerghamot at 12:44 PM on February 2, 2019
Yep, I've moved all over the country (mostly in cities) and my dating success and prospects had nothing to do with the size of the city and more to do with my own attitudes, efforts, and luck. If number and availabity of dates is very important to you and you want to give it extra effort, you could set up dating profiles for each prospective city and see what kind of interest you get from locals in each. Somehow I doubt you'll see much difference in overall quality and abundance.
posted by runcibleshaw at 11:40 PM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by runcibleshaw at 11:40 PM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]
Women should always choose career over men. Financial independence is so incredibly important in a world that tries very hard to keep us financially dependent on men. In this case you’re considering choosing a hypothetical man over a definite positive career move. My vote is option A.
posted by a strong female character at 8:48 AM on February 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
posted by a strong female character at 8:48 AM on February 3, 2019 [5 favorites]
A. Presumably there are married couples in City A - there were plenty of married couples in Small Village Z that I grew up in, so size of conurbation is not the issue here.
You might need to change dating tactics - friends of friends, meeting potential dates via hobbies or at work, etc. Or take a second look at people you wouldn’t swipe if you had other options (not saying you should proceed to date 2 if you aren’t impressed, just that you might need a lower bar for date 1).
posted by tinkletown at 12:16 PM on February 3, 2019
You might need to change dating tactics - friends of friends, meeting potential dates via hobbies or at work, etc. Or take a second look at people you wouldn’t swipe if you had other options (not saying you should proceed to date 2 if you aren’t impressed, just that you might need a lower bar for date 1).
posted by tinkletown at 12:16 PM on February 3, 2019
Unfortunately, City Z is much smaller than my current city, and Option A is sort of "the only game in town" -- I've checked online dating apps there and it seemed very bleak.
It sounds like it's still a city? People manage to meet in small towns. However, you might want to look at the demographics of the area for the overall gender ratio for single people in your age group. If this is a small town, people might be meeting in ways other than dating apps.
One other thing to consider here -- would you be happy living in City Z long term with a partner? A future partner might be attached to living in City Z for the same career reasons you are, or have family in that area.
posted by yohko at 1:16 PM on February 3, 2019
It sounds like it's still a city? People manage to meet in small towns. However, you might want to look at the demographics of the area for the overall gender ratio for single people in your age group. If this is a small town, people might be meeting in ways other than dating apps.
One other thing to consider here -- would you be happy living in City Z long term with a partner? A future partner might be attached to living in City Z for the same career reasons you are, or have family in that area.
posted by yohko at 1:16 PM on February 3, 2019
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For me I'd prioritize the career place. I would be happier with that choice. You might have to enlarge the dating pool? I know many people in happy long distance relationships. Some have become close-distance marriages (import that cool hunk).
I lived in a smallish town notorious for being tough with singles. Met my husband/baby daddy at a party. Ended up connecting at a volunteer event we were both into. I was 28. So - not sure if this helps.
The prospect of family nearby for if/when kids is tempting but if you're not into a solo parenting thing it seems longer odds.
Much luck to you!
posted by PistachioRoux at 5:18 AM on February 2, 2019 [2 favorites]